 Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, we looked at what is grief, what is bereavement, we looked at the normal stages of grief, what is expected from that. And this next couple of minutes we can, we're just going to look at what are some of the things that we can do. And if there are, you know, kind of specific principles or things that we can look into, that's also something that we can, we can just focus. So before we get into what is it that we can do, just a couple of broad principles that we really need to keep in mind and what as counselors or those who are helping need to focus at. So one is to come, the goal is definitely to help the bereaved to come to a place of awareness or an acceptance that the death has occurred. And this happens like we said through the, through the process. So, ultimately, we are hoping that the person who's morning accepts this reality before, as they are dealing also with the emotional impact of the loss. And the best way to actualize this loss or to come to a place of awareness is to talk about the loss and the road of a counselor here is to be a patient listener and encourage the person to talk about the loss, maybe including certain memories of the past and of the present of the person they've lost. Even bringing the person to a sense of awareness that the death has occurred can actually be achieved through some questions. So when you meet, when you're meeting with them to actually relive what happened. And if you see one of the, one of the, the things that people who, who are bereaved only talk about in those initial few hours, maybe lasting up to the funeral is talking about what happened. Okay. What happened through that period of death, what, you know, and that in itself, a repetition of that as they say it in itself brings them from that place of not being in that preferred reality into a place of an accepting, accepting reality. So maybe questions of how did the funeral go? Or what happened? How did this happen? Where were you when you heard the news? So this is actually helping them to come to a place of building more awareness that the death has occurred. The other thing that another basic principle that we need to remember is to help the bereaved identify and experience those feelings. So there may be many feelings that they, that they may be going through. And it, and often it, it could be intentionally avoided by the bereaved because of the pain that they are going through. So the feelings that we spoke about is anger can be guilt, it can be anxiety, hopelessness, loneliness, these are all problematic for the bereaved individual because at the time of, because in times of the significant loss, the level of this intensity with these emotions are extremely strong. So these need to be properly dealt with and effectively targeted. Guilt sometimes, yes, need to be discussed and also evaluated and maybe even resolved in time. Remember, these are not, you know, like one sitting kind of sessions we're looking at or anxiety also needs to be identified in man. So the role of the counselor is to assist them to explore these feelings in order to resolve and manage and overcome them. So identifying and experience these feelings enables them to feel a sense of release and encourages them to look at other options as well. Okay. What you're also doing, another goal that you're having is to help them live without their loved one. So this actually involves them accommodating the loss by facilitating their ability to live without the person who's passed away and also make those independent decisions. So to assist this, a counselor needs to use a problem solving approach. The counselor will need to help the bereaved identify the problems that has arisen since the loss has occurred. So this again is not immediate at the time as soon as the death has happened, but then maybe a week or so in like, for example, if it is a breadwinner who has passed away, right, working alongside with the bereaved about how they're going to financially stabilize themselves. So here, these decision making techniques are very valuable here. And especially, like we said, when one person is the primary, you know, the breadwinner, and when that person dies, a survivor has to experience has to begin to make those decisions. So here is where the counselor helps to develop those coping skills and decision making skills to enable them to take over the role of that decision maker and minimize that distress. And often, just to have someone actually talk about this and have a plan and, you know, giving them hope that we can that there can be a plan that's that can come up in itself is very helpful. The counselor counselor also needs to help them find the meaning in the death of a loved one. For example, you know, some people who have experienced a loss may set up, you know, maybe an organization or a charity in honor of the one who is diseased or they would want to lobby in for something that has happened. So this helps create a feeling that the death of the loved one was not in vain, especially, you know, when those who've gone through significant struggles and you've seen that in some ways where you've seen bereaved families who've lost people to suicide or maybe young teens to bullying and thereafter suicide or to depression, that is they kind of form a collective group or have a support system. So all of this are maybe finding meaning through the loss, you know, so the counselor helps to facilitate that. So meaning is also found in reassessing that those perceptions, what do they think about the death and also about the loved ones impact on the on their own lives. Kim, you're also helping giving them time to grieve sort of reset grief is a process and it requires time and certain points in time maybe can be very difficult for the survivor. For example, like we said, birthdays or anniversaries or holidays, they have the potential to evoke that experience of that loss and it is the role of the counselor to recognize these critical times and assist them in assist them earlier to to prepare to this. Yeah. Okay, I hope that answered your question. Yeah, so that that helps them to. Sorry, I'm just going to read that out for the benefit of the e-learning students. So Samuel said, so the the next thing that a counselor can do is also, you know, have I lost my am I am I audible? I think I lost everyone for a moment. I'm in between. Yes, but now. Yeah, you can. Okay, I think for the last we heard was for the benefit of the e-learning students and then. Oh, okay. All right. Okay, so I just for, okay, I just wanted to make that make the comment that Samuel had put up. He said, I had always wondered why people started these organizations and charities in the name of the deceased. And he's written now it makes sense. So it is to find meaning. Okay, another thing that counselors can do is to examine, you know, as people go through grief is to examine what can be people's defenses and coping styles. So your goal also is to find out how are they coping. And because this helps to identify what kind of functional coping strategies or good productive coping strategies they are using to dealing with the loss or if there is anything that is a dysfunction and anything that is destructive. For example, one common ineffective way is to get into substance abuse, you know, to maybe take on to alcohol or take on to drugs. And the counselor will have to look out for these ineffective coping mechanisms, because, you know, substance abuse, particularly alcohol, or any kind of stuff substances that you take can actually intensify the experience of grief and depression. And thereby it kind of impairs that process of bereavement also. So the counselor, what as a counselor you can do is to help highlight these coping strategies that are employed and encourage the survivors to evaluate the effectiveness and together, that is you as a counselor as well as them, explore new or better ways of coping that the client that the person can actually employ. Okay, so looking in for coping strategies is very important. And the last part, which is also important to understand is to know when is it that the normal grieving process is moving into something that is pathological or moving into something that is not normal. So if you identify the existence of some kind of an extended pathology or extended disease factor that's triggered by the loss, it is suitable that you as a counselor make an appropriate referral. Now, what do I mean by this? So we say that grief is normal when a person is grieving for the initial six to nine months post the incident of loss, six to nine months is seen as a normal time of grieving. Anything beyond that, and especially when it comes with symptoms of dysfunction, that is they're not able to get back to their normal sense of functioning. They're not able to find any hope to move on. There is significant feelings of helplessness, death wishes, suicidal ideations, intense loneliness, complete withdrawal. The depression is becoming more clinical in nature is where you would classify that as pathological. So they may for people who continue this kind of a nature of grieving may require a specific intervention and it may be beyond the scope of point is where referrals need to be made so that you also understand whatever boundaries of training and expertise that you have and see that a little more. So these are in broad what counselors do. Now what I'm taking you all into the next section is something anybody can do. This is not specifically what a counselor should be doing. It's something that anyone in a position of care or a position of ministry can do. One is yes, they needing your presence. As believers we are called to comfort and encourage and be at somebody's side. So being there has the greatest calming effect or the thought of being one with their loss and their comfort. So your presence is an important factor. So however much it is possible it is always recommended that you are there in presence. Because it's often like I had earlier the first thing that I said was we may tend to withdraw because of the emotions that's rising up within us but when we strike this at a balance what they may be going through is far more significant than your inability and your presence in itself. So just helping us you'll see just your presence with absolute maybe just silence is more than sufficient to help them go through their loss. What else do they need? They need your sensitivity to be able to help to accept whatever place of feelings or emotions that they are at you know wherever if when we look at that process they may be at a place of anger, they may be at a place of denial, they may be bargaining all of that but just being sensitive to that process and recognizing that it's okay that they are struggling in that area. So you know in your notes it's kind of given simple forms it says if someone is struggling says something like I can't do this anymore avoid comments like oh yes you can or don't talk like that you're going to be okay. So what it says is what you're doing is to pushing away what is actually important in their place of healing. What you need to do is to help them to accept that those feelings are numb and you are there to support and listen and take those emotions very seriously. Your all that you're called to do is to be there as a source of comfort and not feeling pressured to make it all right for them by minimizing the pain or the suffering that they are going through. The third one is practical assistance like I was like we had brought about the case earlier it is just knowing of just being there practically to help maybe it's making a couple of meals for them maybe it's some form of childcare it's maybe a hospital visits or finishing certain needed bank you know legal documental work so knowing what care can be done can actually bring about a great sense of relief and help to people who are in bereavement. Okay how do you help what are the other ways some practical ways to help is one yes to be able to go to visit those who are bereaved they need to see and feel that they aren't alone and this is not just during funeral and the days summing to that but even at a later point of time to be able to keep in touch to stay in contact and if they were to shun you like not shun but if they were to express that they needed space not taking it personally but giving them a place of understanding to help them know that you are there and maybe reaching out to them a couple of weeks later to just find out how they are how they are doing. Okay the next is yes to be swift to hear slow to speak slow to react towards and things that may be said that is un-christian okay often saying nothing is the best thing to do okay saying nothing rather than saying wrong things like I think Rupa was saying they are an angel right now or you know God takes away only those he loves I mean those things are extremely insensitive things to say or the work of the person has been finished right now you know you should be happy that you had such a lovely person in your life all of this are unhelpful and sometimes whatever we say can create a greater sense of bitterness or despair or anger so just keeping in mind that it's best not to just say anything or even if you do just being able to reflect what is happening like for example this is this can be so sudden and really shocking and unbelievable it just seems so unbelievable so they begin to see that you have understood what they are going through right and so it also matters what kind of a stage they are in like you would have noticed some people in those who are bereaved can actually just be in such a state of shock they're so numb that they are not able to move and to you know to being in a place to getting them to do something may not be needed but just support and helping them through that phase of shock okay is what is is best needed okay just being a good listener being there not to solve the problem but just being there in silence is all that is also expected not do not try to explain everything sometimes the opinions can bring a lot more of pain and sorrow and you know it can bring about a lot of guilt so the the opinions that you may have can cause more anguish especially when they may ask you difficult questions you know why did this happen did my like I think Rupa was asking right the other thing is it because somebody sinned um I think the best thing to at that point of to say is yes it's hard to understand all of this and trying to grapple it all at this point of time can be extremely overwhelming best in anything at this point in time but just to um stand along with them and maybe even see you know even I'm like Rupa said I'm I'm not able to understand either I can't grapple this entire thing myself and but then I'm here with you here with you as we try and figure this out over time to come so that's more important to giving them that sense of understanding okay um often words is something that may not express as much but just a loving hug a handshake or a touch is something that is most helpful okay just just so that again you're showing your presence over there okay avoid yeah I think avoid saying I know how you feel because often that isn't that isn't very true because you can only you can only hear about what they are going through but do not understand the depth of it okay and in fact this is something that we are told in counseling never to make that statement of I know how you feel or you know I understand what it is that you're going through um you're you're not able to understand you're you're only able to be able to reflect that this is probably what you may be going through and I'm not able to completely grasp the entire gamut of emotions that one may be going through yeah um the next one is not to rush them to get better or to play down that grief but to give it but helping them do it in the process that is comfortable for them in whatever you know how much ever times they may actually want to talk about the bereave you permit that giving them that that place of helping them take it at the pace that that they are in like like for example not to really rushing them being patient with the process of mourning and so so it is it's important to not bring in statements like are you all aren't you over with this yet you know it's it's been such a long time you should move on you should get over it you should be in a place of functionality okay uh that the the place of trauma can only heal um in time okay and uh to understand that for to to understand or to think that their expectations for them to move back into how they were is something uh that we got to be careful about as we stated that they may never feel that they are the same person like what they were because of the kind of loss that they have gone through and lastly it is to continue to minister to to visit as as and when needed and to ensure that you keep confidence often um you know there may be many things that erupt in a mourner's life about the person who has passed especially if the relationship has been difficult and just a place for them to really talk about their anger their guilt or whatever regrets they have it is to find a safe space that they can do that and giving them the confidence that one is there to help them through that process okay all right um i think i'm i'm open for questions i'm i've completed that you know this unit uh any specific questions that y'all would like to look into nobody yes yes kennedy go ahead thank you very much what i wanted to just to get some guidance on like in where we come from during bereavement there's a lot of fisting a lot of so that actually people celebrate that and uh it becomes a time hard just the way mention that we are insensitive but things will become insensitive so at times it's touching and it's of course you are bereaved on one end people are celebrating people are fisting how do you advise on that feasting is it people are feasting is that what you said uh okay feast that is that is on a funeral is that what it is actually upon receiving the bad news it's like people celebrate that people celebrate it okay okay and uh can so can you tell me is that a cultural practice yes but it's nice being it's it's being taken over it's not particularly limited to one culture but saying it's being practiced across the border because people go online people will come make parties like people just start patting okay um i actually uh because i i think we've noticed that in in some cultures here does anyone have any insights on that i'm not too sure if i if i do understand what a cultural no pastor yes shei i use my grandmother as an example back in 1999 when she passed on uh at the age of 70 so uh we did the wake keep with the the church service she was buried then after that followed the reception which was more like a celebration in week um everybody was not mourning everybody was laughing dancing eating so yeah depending on the age in most african cultures depending on the age the person passes on there tends to be if the person left the earth maybe um at a very old age yes there will be celebrations even though yes people wouldn't mourn um but if it's a young person who died in their prime um very very rare would you see any reception done or celebration it's usually a very sad one you know so it's just depending on the age um for most african countries i start to be corrected but that's the extent of my knowledge and and so what do you what do you i mean i think we have a few of you representing that culture so what do you see is the idea behind that and this is not just among christians right this is across cultures right yes across cultures yeah christians and non christians yeah exactly um but apart from so what is this is behind that sorry what generally is the intention behind that or the cultural practice behind that yeah just like celebrating the life the person left so oh it's the life of the person yeah and then also just to entertain those who have left their homes particularly some people leave from far away just to come and um come and reach the the barrier you know so you just want to entertain them but majorly it's to celebrate the life that they have lived yeah and this is something that's organized by the bereaved family that's correct yes the bereaved family organizes it yes it's difficult i must do it it's not something easily done you know but yeah i witnessed both sides of my family so at the young age when they planned and all that so um yeah it's not as easy as as we see but but eventually they just get over it you know and yeah that's it so is it an expectation that it needs to be done yes yes when the person older so from the ages of maybe 70 and above you know there's an expectation that oh we have to do a big reception a reception depending on the size most times is always big right so but if it's someone who left that they are praying uh no it's there's no reception even if there's going to be anything to give anyone it just be taken away because it's a sad as a sad thing to have someone who would have lived longer you know pass on so but if the person's older there's usually like a reception to celebrate the life of celebration okay anyone else has an insight i think i have three hands here anyone has an insight on what kennedy and shei bought up you could bring that up uh yeah either abney kennedy christopher any of you yeah i can just add over here yeah community that i i belong to um i wouldn't call it a celebration what they would do is um they would you know organize some kind of food for you know people who attend um you know during the summer service and also people who are you know kind of who who go to the cemetery and um that would be you know across uh you know people who attend that you know those those uh those events uh but in the you know in a more kind of a closed group of people who are actually you know they make it family members um and usually it's actually main dominant there will be a you know a session of um you know where people meet at at the house or at the home of you know the person who has um who has passed away and typically they would also be um and at least the community that i have to be there would be our courts out there so just to sort of use the tension people will you know kind of just get a little more relaxed and uh you know there'll be sharing of some some of some of the um you know what is actually uh you know when there'll be some stories talked about you know the person who has passed away and everything but it's it's not it's not actually a celebration it's more of a gathering of close members of the family okay apni you had something to add or kennedy one of the apni apni you could go and then yes yes i belong to rajasthan mam so there is a culture there in christians basically where when someone passes away so from the time we get the news the there is you know no cooking in the house they don't burn the flame that is a culture so the entire community the church community will carry food for them for the relatives everyone who's visiting for three days like the third day and the third afternoon they arrange for a big feast kind of food they prepare uh non veg gravy and you know they have some tradition of some kind of bhajiyas and all and i don't have been out like 25 years but when i go there i find it very interesting to see how you know they then they have this food where they culminate and they say now the cooking will start in the family so what happens is those who are grieving don't have to worry to feed the people who are visiting so the food comes from the community everyone serves that cooked food they bring into fence they feed and then they go away so for almost like two days so the third day it says like they will burn the flame now they will start after that uh evening they start cooking in the family uh so until funeral and until the relatives leave the family is not supposed to cook basically so this cooking is done outside the house and after that they start cooking in the house so this is how and then they have a condolence meeting on the third evening after that when everyone leaves then the family starts cooking for themselves and you know managing with the food so this is the culture in rajasthan in our office yeah there are so many adaptations can't hear you ma'am can't hear me now now the voice am i audible no you're better now yeah so i said the yeah the adaptations you know how culture adapts and copes with with loss is um is very different because here in south in south india especially among one community you will find um as they're taking the cops to the to the burial ground you have a whole band in front of the hearse and they are dancing and singing and half of them are under the influence of alcohol they'll be dancing singing throwing flowers and you know just making a mayhem and this is the middle of of a main road that you know and it's a very slow process because you have a band right in front and all of this goes goes on with the family or the hearse behind so yes different kind of cultures are are are are amazing to see yes kennedy i think you i don't think i answered your question but i think it's a good way to just understand this yes okay okay thank you maybe this just could be a side question as i know we have a structural difference what i want to just to inquire as a side question i see in most burials or in most this briefing session people tend to dress in black or this is a particular kind of color what's the need for what's the idea behind it okay i think that again it's just probably i mean there is no the it's black black black is generally black is the color of morning and i think that's why some cultures do it but then from from the time i remember in the kind of community i've been built up coming from earlier it always used to be white but now i do a lot of people dress black i think generally to show a sense of morning yeah i think that's that's probably why i don't know if there's anything else that has and anyone else would like to contribute please feel free to unmute and talk shei you had a thought or you had something to say i have a question but yes i'm in line with the idea of the color it shows one is sad morning breathing breathing lost one so that's the color my question basically is just to get your view on what i observed so there was a lady who lost her husband due to an illness so the husband was buried yes and then there was a service for thanksgiving just to thank god for the life of the person who had left who had passed on now the lady because i was just reflecting on all your teaching and i was asking myself if this was the right action so the lady was told to or rather the whole family including the lady the wife of this man who had passed on was called out to you know just dance and basically a time of thanksgiving for the family members and we could see that she was still grieving right and and even though she tried dancing you know trying to just show that she um at least he's in heaven and all that but we could see she was still grieving but the man of god compels her then you know to dance well while the husband was alive he was one who used to dance during church service and compelled her to dance you know like he did um i understood both sides of what he was doing i mean one side of what he was in and another side my i was like i think we shouldn't have forced her i understood that he was trying to encourage her right to let go of the sorrow and all that but i think based on what you've taught maybe my question is at that moment should we have you know compelled her you know to show that she was even though she was mourning but thankful that he lived a christian life and he's with jesus christ and we should just burst out in praise is she's just burst out in praise without feeling sorrowful or should we just have allowed her express the way she wanted to you know praise god at that moment that's just my kind of question i'm i'm trying to yeah shei i i agreed which should be the latter that you permit each one to express their grief in the way that they feel most comfortable in so um i actually it is quite interesting to see when people in funeral services loved loved ones of those who breathe the way that they respond in fact just recently i was seeing a video of one woman who um you know just believed that there can be resurrection at that time and so then she it was a wife she gathered people there to pray alongside with her to raise the dead man to raise her dead husband and comes to a place of you know saying that uh you know she's willing to let go and this is all in forum being recorded but then i think it's important for people to allow them to grieve the way that they see best so they may be depending on the kind of people that they are like you said you know the the minister here had asked her to her to dance she's probably someone who's a quiet personality maybe would just like to shed tears and in the within the four walls of her room and you know to be to be to give people the space to do it in the way that that seems most helpful for them and i think that's important and that we should be sensitive about that and not push them into something um that is expected rightly to get thank you pastor for that clarification thank you thank you yeah anybody else samuel did you have a question you had quickly unmuted did you have a question or an option okay all right okay great okay so um yeah i think we'll we'll close our session here just uh just a reminder i will be uploading the assessment today the second grade the second assessment you have a week to complete it um and please ensure that you complete it for your final um this this goes into your final grading so also for the e-learning students that it also would be uploaded to ensure that you completed before the 29th of april so that it reflects in your certificate as well right close with the word of prayer and may i request uh any one of our students to kindly do so anybody could close with the word of prayer kennedy would you like to close with the word of prayer please yeah yeah no it's okay thank you for having me father thank you for this course thank you everybody who's attended and just thank you for giving us opportunity to come in your presence of free land more about counseling it's not by our own knowledge over that's through your guidance might be that you're able to understand everything i commit everybody as we as we come from ends of this course that we're going to implement whatever we learned it's my prayer my humble prayer is over i feel open and feel open our minds give a display of knowledge and here's to our father as we as we go to other various courses where we are and you know i mean straight follow the hope i commit everybody into by hand in the mighty name of your son he gave us christ amen amen thank you kennedy so we will meet next next week that's our last class so please do ensure that you're coming next week okay god bless we meet next week again thank you thank you ma'am thank you ma'am thank you god bless thank you ma'am