 I've had a lot of chance to kind of stop and reflect the last couple of days while I've been in Jersey. It's just beautiful here and a really good place to stop and think. And it's been an interesting year. It's been the first academic year in some time, in maybe three or four years, where I have gone through the whole academic year without a significant period of absence due to illness. And yeah, there have been days that I haven't managed. There's been days when I haven't got out of bed, but I have basically fulfilled my commitments this year, and I feel pretty proud about that. I'm in a slightly strange place in terms of my recovery, where I'm really aware that I'm working really hard at it. I'm also really aware that I might always have to work really hard at it in terms of managing my autism, in terms of managing the difficult thoughts and feelings I maybe always will have around food, and in terms of just staying well, looking after myself. Anxiety and depression are still tricky. I still take quite a lot of medication. And yeah, I guess it's not easy, and I think maybe it looks easy sometimes, but it's not easy. But I'm kind of becoming okay with that. But one of the things that's just happened recently is my psychiatrist has decided that I'm ready for discharge from her and from the eating disorder service. And that might be surprising to some people that I'm still seeing her because I'm apparently pretty well. Certainly not at a kind of weight or any kind of... Yeah, I'm not in a place where you would think I would be under the eating disorder service anymore, bearing in mind rightly or wrongly many of their entry criteria to do with weight and that sort of thing. And I've been a healthy weight now for about two years. So yeah, I've been kind of somewhat in touch with her for a long time. And the reason I haven't been discharged before is partly because I hate endings and I've been really scared because I get ill really quickly. If I have a relapse, I can go from being kind of relatively healthy like really ill in a matter of weeks. And I was really scared about that. And so I've been sort of avoiding having a final conversation with my psychiatrist because I didn't want to fall out of the service. I wanted to know that if stuff went wrong, I had a way back in. Even though I don't want to relapse and I hope I won't, I think things are stable and terrified, like really terrified that if I'm discharged from services that if things went wrong that I couldn't get back in. Because actually before I ended up being hospitalised a couple of years ago then I knew I was getting ill. Like I'd been up and down and up and down and up and down but things were getting worse and I wasn't sure that I could do this and I tried really hard to get help. And I know everyone. Like I know everyone in the eating disorders world and yet I couldn't access help. And I did get help in the end but I was an emergency referral. I went by A&E admitted via my GP because she was so concerned about my physical health. So I ended up on the critical care unit for 10 days before then ending up on an eating disorders unit when we finally found a bed. And because things had got so bad because I wasn't able to access the help I needed when I needed it it just made me scared that what if that happens again basically. What if I can see I might be as healthy a weight as I am right now but really struggling in my head and I might be able to see that things are slipping and because I'm a healthy weight it might not be possible for me to access services. That's basically what I've been scared of. And so my psychiatrist finally got hold of me. It's been a bit awkward because we worked together professionally as well so we're working on this autism and anorexia care pathway and do you know what she's brilliant and the whole team are brilliant and I love working with them and I love working with them in professional capacity but when you've been kind of like no showing and not responding to phone calls and stuff and then you come across someone and you're like wow I feel bad. Anyhow, anyhow. So she did finally get hold of me. We had the conversation and she was brilliant. She was absolutely brilliant and she said I recognise, we recognise as a service that you are someone who when you get ill you relapse really fast and actually an interesting thing there is I... Do you know what there's so much about eating sort of thinking that's so bizarre but I find people find it interesting and it's helpful for me to be honest about it sometimes. When she said to me you know you relapse really fast you lose weight really fast and you get very ill very quickly I couldn't help but feel a little bit proud of that. How messed up is that? Like really how messed up is that? And it's one of the things though it's one of the things that enables me to stay well because my therapist so separate this is my psychologist rather than my psychiatrist the whole team of people have been helping me with this so my psychologist did reassure me when I went on the kind of weight gain journey he did reassure me you know you're really good at losing weight you've proven that to us many times you're really good at losing weight so you know let's try the weight gain thing let's try and get to a healthy weight and you know you can undo that pretty quickly if you choose to and hopefully you won't choose to and hopefully we'll put strategies in place that enable you to stay well but the options there if you kind of want or need to take it and actually that was one of the things knowing that I could change the clock back I could lose the weight again I could get ill again was one of the things sorry I'm a big ant calling over me was one of the things that enabled me to get well because I knew it wasn't irreversible which is a bit perverse I guess but anyway yeah when she told me yes we know that you get ill fast it made me feel good in a really strange way I don't know yeah I need to make me think more on that anyhow anyhow so she recognised that and we put a really clear strategy in place for how I would get referred back in if I found that I was beginning to struggle and we talked a lot about my early warning signs and at what point I would seek help and how and what the avenues in would be and she was really reassuring that they would be there if I needed them because actually you know cynically I've been expensive to them and I would be far more expensive to them if I fully relapsed again and take up a bed for ages and take up lots of their time rather than having you know an hour of her or a little bit of contact with the eating disorder service in order to get me back on track I think the other thing is that probably she feels quite confident in my recovery now and she's really kind to me she's lovely she loves to climb as well and she always asks me how my climbing is going and she's she you know you kind of feel like she's she's proud that I've got hobbies now and I'm enjoying life and having a family time and things are good and she does seem to take genuine pleasure in that which is nice and I think she probably thinks that I'm going to be fine which in a way makes it easier to make the offer of we're here if you need us but for me it was deeply reassuring so anyway yeah so the long and short of this was I just kind of yeah endings I find endings really hard my therapist also I stopped seeing him now like nearly a year ago it was last summer but I never stopped seeing him I just didn't go for an appointment one time knowing he's a private therapist so I can you know go and see him anytime I want to which is you know I'm incredibly privileged I do get that but we decided to take a little break you know we'd only see each other first I went from twice a week to just once every week to once every couple of weeks to once a month and then it became convenient actually the therapy I didn't need to be going I thought I'd always be wanting to go I found it incredibly helpful and had a really good bond with my therapist and I thought that I would probably see him forever but it became convenient and to me that was a really healthy sign that there are other things I'd rather be doing and I'm managing okay and I could touch in with him if I needed to and I know he's there if things get hard but so far I haven't needed to so yeah so I didn't do endings with him either and I know that's wrong and all my you know people in my network who are therapists or counsellors will talk about the importance of endings preparing for them and that kind of thing and I'd be really interested to learn more about how this process worked for others but yeah I basically yeah found that too hard and so I kind of feel like it's not ended it's still there if I need it and that for me is quite important because actually I feel like I'm well things are good most days they're not other days and that's fine and I'm pretty well I think I'm as well as I might ever get and I think that there's not a magic one this isn't going to suddenly get easier and there might be difficult times and I yeah I'm kind of accepting of that that this is you know going to be a lifelong journey some days it's going to be a battle and that actually I need to know that there are avenues of support there if I need them and yeah I'd love to hear other people's kind of thoughts on this is it really weird that I yeah kind of found it hard to end and was scared of leaving the service because so many people who've been on a similar journey people who I have been in recovery with who I've attended like eating disorders units with and stuff like they've really celebrated leaving like and I've taken great joy in their photos of you know this is me leaving the eating disorders unit for the last time and I've never done that because I've never quite been able to say goodbye and I don't know if that's healthy or not I don't know if that's me protecting myself for the future and recognizing I need to be vigilant forever because not doing that before was one of the things that allowed the anorexia to take grip or is it unhealthy is it that for me the eating disorder is on some level such a huge part of how I self-identify that I just can't quite let it go I don't know yeah I don't know anyway I don't have answers this is a general rambling wonderingment I'd be really interested to know your thoughts your views your experiences this or other similar things yeah and enjoy the view I've got to go back now to my hotel and pack my room up and go home I'm incredibly excited to see the children and Tom and stuff but I'm going to be so sad to leave Jersey I just love it here and it's been so good for me just to kind of stop I took an extra day to stop reflect relax enjoy the sunshine and take a really nice long walk this morning and I feel so so much better for it I highly recommend downtime self-care it's important it's important okay take care goodbye