 By transcription Me I'm Jane Stacy her that's Irma Peterson The only girl in the world who is so stupid. She thinks a monsoon is a French gentleman I'm not kidding Look at her smiling and waving that box of ends. What's the idea? Oh, I'm happy. I don't get it Well when a dog is happy he waves his tail. I haven't got a tail. So I'm waving my end Well friends, you'll be happy too when you see how quickly ends chlorophyll tablets stop triple O Yes ends E N N DS stop orders of body orders of breath odor offense Stop all three all at the same time. Keep you fresh as a daisy all day all over It's amazing But one or two tiny ends tablets daily are all you need to stop triple O And now ends America's most popular chlorophyll tablets are proud to present your favorite comedy show Created by Cy Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Louis Jane in my friend Irma What's this now? I can't use the title my day. So I think I'll call it my 25 hours 25 hours. Yes, remember this is leap year. The days are longer Irma Peterson, what are you raving about? He didn't you know I'm writing a column. Oh sure and I'm wrestling gorgeous George at the Yankee Stadium Miss Irma Peterson we have your note in which you state that our paper the West Side Shopper lacks appeal for women We would welcome any contribution our readers can make be it a sentence a paragraph a column or look what it says here Naturally as far as payment is concerned You must understand it will be great where right there. Irma says as far as payment is concerned. It will be gratis Means for nothing You mean they won't pay me for the column Well Irma this newspaper is given away for nothing and with a column by you and it they may find it hard to get that price I'm not gonna let you discourage me. I've already written my first column, and I think it's pretty good Why don't you look at it? Oh? I think I went through something like this when you wrote your memoirs. Let me see my 25 hours by Irma Peterson I Got up bright and early this morning Why don't you just make it early? Cold shower then for breakfast. I had orange juice toast eggs newspaper and coffee newspaper your doctor prescribed roughage You don't think it's good so far. Well, let me put it this way honey. You say this this column is going to the newspaper Yes, well as you know Newspapers are made from wood pulp and wood pulp is made out of trees, and now I know why all the willows are weeping Why don't you read on all right? I will Maybe there's a trace of oxygen somewhere in this carbon monoxide. Let me see Beauty hints girls to have a lovely figure do as I do bend down and touch your toes ten times If you have extra long toes stand back a little as this is cheating To have beautiful hair wash your head with beer Keep your mouth closed during the treatment. This may prove to be habit for me I Girls under 21 must be accompanied to the beauty saloon by their parents Well, honey, the West Side Shopper is slipped under doors. Would you like to see every house around here with a barbed wire fence around it? You just saying that because I wrote the column you wouldn't say that if Eleanor Roosevelt wrote it Cookie if Mrs. Roosevelt wrote that column the Republicans wouldn't even have to campaign this year Now please stop comparing yourself with that wonderful woman. She's a humanitarian She's doing great work for the United Nations, and she knows all the outstanding personalities of the world No personalities to see what I wrote here under social items amber lip scott well-known girl Sandhog was trapped under the Hudson River for three hours She was rescued by Freddie Fulton prominent frogmen, and they have been jumping around together ever since This is Walter Winchell with a gun, please come in Hi, Mrs. O'Reilly girls, wait. Can you hear the news now wait? Don't say anything until I get my pencil pencil Oh, sure. I'm doing a column for the West Side Shopper Oh, I read that paper every day. Where's your column going to be here? I'm a pager. They have second-hand bargains It is not I'm going to alternate with the obituary column and when nobody dies. They're gonna use my stuff Hey Maybe we got to go around poisoning people Janie you're being cruel again. I'm sorry. Well, she has nothing to lose Personally, I think it's a lot of fun writing about who was seen with whom what was seen where and why When my late husband officer Clancy was caught in me. Our names was always in the column. Not really It always said what handsome officer was seen with which With which yes, and they always made the same type of graphic layer. Oh, they spelled it WITC Mr. Riley my calm is gonna contain beauty hits you always say you have a lot of beauty secrets Would you give me some? Oh, I'd be glad to dearie now a lot of girls have red hair like mine And they want to keep it naturally red. So all you do is take the juice of three tomatoes Yes, chop up two beets and a half a cup of ketchup and a dash of paprika and just rub it into the scalp It's simple and the whole thing costs about 35 cents. Is that a la carte or on the dinner? Yes Well, what is it? Mrs. O'Reilly, did you ever hear about the little boy who held his finger in the hole in the dyke? Yes, you better send for him the pipe and my room is leaking I Know I've already sent for the plumber Erma darling. Have you written any of your column yet? Yes, I read most of it to Jane now. I wrote this under cooking it cooking hints. Yes To all housewives many of you have trouble stuffing the turkey because it is so dark inside the bird We suggest you pull the turkey inside out stuff it on the outside then shove it back into place again Wait a minute wait a minute did I hear I You are writing a column all professor tell her she's not cut out for it. She thinks I'm against her Well, why should we criticize her? She might have fun writing choice bits of gossip about the people in the neighborhood Such as Well cute little things like when professor Kripotkin is near Kathleen O'Reilly the air is full of electricity Why do you say it's electricity is it because you are built like a turbine or? Because that face of yours is enough to shock anybody Now wait a minute you left over from a dog dinner Don't go telling anybody to put my name in any paper with yours Mrs. O'Reilly my mother thinks I was killed by a truck Why should I make her miserable? You wouldn't be making such a fuss if it wasn't the truth and remember the truth never hurts It doesn't so how come you wear so many girdles Stop at the to you. I won't print a word about either of you in my column now listen There's a little object lesson for you sweetie Not only can you break up people's lives by what you print in the paper, but you can be sued. Don't you forget that? Yes, if you print anything that's untrue, that's libel. Go on Jane finish your sentence. That's libel to what? No, honey. No libel is slander in the written form. I don't understand. Let me explain Now if I should say that Mrs. O'Reilly is 90 years old. This is slander. I should say so But if I print that she's 90 years old, this is libel Indeed, however if I add them both together and say she's a hundred and eighty This is neither slander nor libel. This is historical fact Oh, I'm getting right after him and I must you print anything about me print me through age 39 Or libel, honey, that's neither that's hallucination Yes, just a minute. It's for you. We're my thanks genius my editor mr. Fletcher Yes, mr. Fletcher. I'm getting my column ready. Oh, that's too bad Why don't you call the zoo the zoo? What are you talking about? He says they have a dead lion at the office, but that's deadline Me the phone will you hello? Yes, mr. Fletcher. Yes, I know she misunderstood you I'm her roommate Jane Stacy, and I see You say it's very nice of her to volunteer to do this column for nothing. I'm sure you'll get your money's worth I mean, I mean, of course, she'll have it by tomorrow. Yes, I see Choice bits of neighborhood gossip. Yes. All right, mr. Fletcher. I'll tell her bye He wants a column by tomorrow. Why can't I turn in the one I already wrote? Why Irma on the masthead of the west side shopper is a small picture of Washington crossing the Delaware Do you want him to jump into the water? Well, right a new one honey Fletcher wants neighborhood gossip just go to all the places you know and find out what's new All right, I'll go to Schultz the butcher mr. Wong the laundry man Then I'll visit Hogan's fish market and I'll hang around spikes pool room for a couple of hours Jane what is it? Are you sure mrs. Roosevelt started this way? Oh get out of here Oh Guard against triple. Oh Yes, guard against triple. Oh odor of breath odor of body odor offense If you've been using old-fashioned body deodorants mouthwash his toothpaste or deodorant soap to avoid offending now He is an easier quicker much more effective way to keep fresh as a daisy all over all day long Take ends today chase triple. Oh away Yes, one or two tiny ends chlorophyll tablets protect you against triple O Against all three odor offenses no muss no fuss stop triple O in minutes prove it with a famous ends test Rub an onion slice in your hand now take an ends chlorophyll tablet moisten and rub it on the same spot The odors gone that's how ends work where odors begin inside your body to stop triple O And remember ends contain 100 milligrams a fully effective dose of daritol chlorophyll Don't expect such lasting protection from cheaper chewing gum and candy substitutes which contain so little chlorophyll Take ends today chase triple O away Insist on ends called ends because they end your worries about triple O. That's E N N DS ends chlorophyll tablets Say safe is any garden vegetable pleasant tasting trial size ends only 49 cents at drug counters everywhere Larger sizes even more economical Beware Ed Sullivan watch out Sidney Skolski look for a new job Louis sobo save your money boys You're in a lot of trouble today Irma Peterson begins her new column for the West Side shopper How yeah, there she is at the kitchen table assorting her first scoops Hermitage getting good. Oh, yes every items the Jones baby has measles and mr. Klotz the baker was the first to notice it So I'm writing it in newspaper style Newspaper style. Yes Klotz spots tops dots Klotz spots tops dots Honey, why don't you jump out that window land on that cab so you can write wax back smack hack What other items did you pick up? Well, I thought I'd write something about the big fire this morning Well, now you're talking a five alarm fire. That's news. What did you write? There was a fire in 74th Street. I watched it from the restaurant across the way their prices are very reasonable Hashes only 35 cents Is that all you wrote well, that's all I ate I Am a Peterson for some crazy reason I told mr. Fletcher of the West Side shopper that you'd have a column ready by six o'clock if this is all the stuff You've collected I better call him right now tell him to pad the obituary column with undertaker jokes. Oh, no, Jane Please don't I'm going out for more news and I won't have as much trouble now. What do you mean? Well, people didn't believe I was a real newspaper one, but now I have a press card. You have a press card. Let me see Press 50 Irma, this is 52. No, Jane. This used to say pants press 50 cents. I tore off the pants Mister is open. Mr. Krauss and he's all tied up. There's a handkerchief stuffed in his mouth Mr. Krauss, Mr. Krauss, I'm now a reporter with the West Side Shopper anything you The West Side Shopper and I need some gossip The Gressenbees The Gressenbees? Shit, it's lovely Okay, Calla Ann Bookham Sergeant, this is not justice I did not pick that man's pocket And how come you had his wallet? With the bus lights suddenly and the wallet just flew out of his pocket Oh sure And while I was stooping down to pick it up his gold watch was right in my hand Must have been a pretty rough trip We'll see that you get a smoother one on the way to sing things Sergeant, would you write to the wooden up there and ask him to assign me to the laundry? I'd like to be near my mother Hey, come away Calla Ann Oh no Irma Peterson, you lost again Well, we'll have one of the boys take you home No, Sergeant, I'm not lost I'm doing a column for the West Side Shopper on local gossip Now you're all I'm right Sergeant, here are the witnesses in that accident Yeah, but that truck was coming Well, hello Irma Sergeant, that truck was making your left hand turn It was making a right hand turn Now how would you know you were flightin' with the truck driver You started to wink at him Your false eyelashes got stuck together You couldn't even see what street you were on Oh wait a minute, I demand my rights Oh, El Shaker Have been free What's the charge, officer? Stolen car I didn't steal it Fell asleep in the back seat Oh yeah? How come? Well, I was tired after walkin' around all day lookin' for a job You lookin' for a job? Make the charge stealin' a car in perjury Take him away No, no, no my El Oh hell, I gotta talk to you please, officer All right, lady, you can get in the cell with him I'll give you five minutes Shaker, I didn't do it, you got to believe me Why are you lookin' at me like that? El, I'm a columnist and I'ma spend all the gossip in the neighborhood Well, but do you have to print that I was arrested for car theft? Oh, what could I print? Well, couldn't you write that, um They had a contest here to see who had the prettiest hands And mine was so beautiful, they insisted on takin' my fingerprints No, El, on the top of our newspaper it says A pluribus annum That's French for the truth or nothing but the truth Chicken, if you put my name in your column, we're through Aha! Okay, time's up Come on, sister Come here, Ima, we are waiting for you Don't cry, darling, we know what a choice you have to make I know what it is to be torn between love and duty Mrs. Arale, I don't know who tore you But whoever zipped you up didn't offer you Ima, darling, Ima, here in America We have something that's called freedom of the press But freedom of the press is not meant the freedom to print everything we want to But rather the freedom to print that which is true This is something you cannot forget Even though it may mean hurting someone you love I understand Oh, I remember one night I had a battle with my late husband, Clancy Oh, it was a beaut We destroyed more crockery than the San Francisco earthquake Where the police come with a reporter So I told the reporter that Clancy and me was just dancing the rumba Did the reporter swallow that? No, because the reporter said it was the first time he'd seen the rumba danced Where the woman kept her foot on her partner's face And you too, Ima, must learn to recognize the truth Well, I've made up my mind, I'm going to print the truth about Al Even though I know it'll make me an old maid Forget Al, just as long as what you do is accredited journalism Well, maybe I don't need Al, but on cold nights it's going to take an awful lot of newspapers to keep me warm Come on, honey, come on, cheer up, this is your big day What time does your paper come out? In a couple of hours You satisfied with the column you turned in? I didn't get the chance to read it Well, I may have misspelled a couple of words How many Ks in success? No, Mr. Fletcher, no, this is Miss Stacy Tell her Ima what? You took the item about Al out of her column because the man who stole it confessed Isn't that wonderful? Now I still have the man I love and Ima's success What? Or Ima, Ima, hold the success story What, Mr. Fletcher? You're afraid you'll be sued by Mr. Schultz? Just a minute Ima, what did you write about Schultz the butcher? Well, he just got married, so I asked him how he met his wife Yes He said he was standing on the corner when the heavy-set woman came toward him He looked at her, it was pure fate You know what you wrote? But he was standing on the corner when this heavy-set woman came toward him He looked at her, it was pure fat Back to Ima and Jane in a moment But first, remember that scientific odor test that proved end-stop, triple O Stop odors of breath, odors of body and odor offense For over eight out of ten people Well, these amazing results were substantiated the other day At the annual meeting of a national scientific group A leading medical authority stated And for our test, I selected the chlorophyll tablets known as ends Our tests included executives, office workers and factory workers too General odor of body and breath were most successfully treated Yes, after hundreds and hundreds of examinations Science proved ends effective Just one or two tiny ends chlorophyll tablets daily Actually do stop, triple O Because ends contain 100 milligrams A fully effective dose of daritol chlorophyll Beware of cheaper chewing gum and candy substitutes That contain so little chlorophyll Or that do not state their chlorophyll content on the label Ends work inside your body where odors start Keep you fresh as a daisy all over all day long Ends stop, triple O Stop all three odor offenses Give more complete, more lasting protection Than any old-fashioned body deodorant So, mouthwash or toothpaste can possibly give you Insist on ends to stop, triple O Pleasant tasting ends are easy to use too And safe, safe is any garden vegetable That's ENNDS ends chlorophyll tablets Trial size only, 49 cents at drug counters everywhere Larger sizes, even more economical This column came out in the paper I don't think it was read by many people Because the obituary column is back this week I don't know, maybe there's something about the way she writes Makes you wish you were dead But Irma doesn't care, she has her alagant Keep her warm, there they are on the couch Listen You know, chicken wickens, when we get married We'll have a four room house, a living room, a kitchen A bedroom and a nursery A nursery, oh that's wonderful I always wanted a place to grow plants I grow plants too That's right, bloom an idiot Name of variety, my friend Irma Here's an important message for my friend Irma In the person of Marie Wilson From Basil O'Connor, president of the National Foundation For Infantile Paralysis Mr. O'Connor In this year when we are still reeling From the staggering blows of recent polio epidemics We've known that only extraordinary measures Only greater giving to the march of dimes Could put the fight against this disease On its feet I have many thoughts about what you have done For this humanitarian cause Miss Wilson By your offer of your secretarial services To the highest march of dimes bidder You've made a most unusual contribution It's resulted in a gift of $5,000 To the march of dimes Through the Fort Worth, Texas chapter Of the National Foundation And above all I think it's been a lot of fun For everybody So may I just say Miss Wilson A very simple and a very sincere thank you To you and your colleagues Of the CBS radio program My friend Irma I think you know though That the real thank you comes Not only from me and the National Foundation But from the children The victims of infantile paralysis Who will be helped toward recovery By what you have done And so for them Thank you Miss Marie Wilson Thank you Mr. O'Connor I was real happy to have the opportunity To help with the wonderful work Done by the march of dimes Yeah I hope everybody will continue To give their whole hearted support To this very great cause My friend Irma is a Psy Howard Production and is directed by Park Levy who writes a script with Stanley Adams Pat Burton is associate producer Marie Wilson is starred as Irma And Kathy Lewis is Jane A part of Al was played by John Brown Hans Conrad was heard as Professor Kropotkin Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly Music was under the direction of Lud Bluskin Tired looking eyes can ruin your appearance Make you look unattractive dull So don't take chances When eyes are red weary from lack of sleep Glare driving, get eye gene Two soothing drops in each eye Float away that tired eye feeling at once Eye gene is like a prescription Contains lexitol Acts as a tonic for the eyes Gentle too, get eye gene E-Y-E-G-E-N-E Tonight use it daily for bright attractive eyes Trial size only 25 cents Larger sizes even more economical Eye gene at drug counters everywhere Be with us next Sunday at this time When ends America's most popular chlorophyll Tablets again bring you My friend Irma Paul Caruso speaking Now stay tuned for our Miss Brooke Starring Dee Vardy On most of the same CBS stations My friend Irma was transcribed This is the CBS Radio Network