 So today we're gonna begin on page one officially and this is Introduction to Purification. So the way this text is, this is a classical Arabic poem written by Imam al-Malud and what Sheikh Hamza has done is he's translated everything in English so we have the verses of the poem and then there's commentary that he provides. And so inshallah we'll reflect and at any point if you guys have questions or insights or input, feel free, let's keep this like engaging. You know I want it to be a dialogue or discussion. So I'll read from the poem verses, is poem verses one to eight. I begin by starting with the heart of beginnings for it is the highest and noblest of beginnings. Have courtesy with God, the high and the majestic by practicing modesty and humility, dejected out of shame and humility, humbled in awe imploring him by giving up your designs for his, emptied of covetousness for what his servants have, by hastening to fulfill his commands and by being wary of the subtle encroachment of bad manners. If you, the spiritual aspirant, realize your attributes of servitude, you will then be assisted with something of the attributes of the eternally besought. Realize your abject character and impoverishment and you will gain dignity and wealth from the all powerful. There is no salvation like the heart's salvation given that all the limbs and organs respond to its desires. Courtesy, the heart of purification. Imam Maulud begins his Arabic didactic poem with a play on words that is lost in translation. Beginning in Arabic is badu and the word for heart, qalb also means to reverse something. Reversing the letters in the word badu results in the word adab, which is the term for courtesy. And that is where this treaties begins since courtesy is the portal to the purification of the heart. So again, adab, in order to do this process of cleaning the heart of spiritual disease, we have to understand and define what adab is. So now we're gonna begin with that, right? Adab in Arabic holds several meanings. In addition to courtesy, adab, a derivative, or excuse me, adib, a derivative of adab, for example, has come to mean an erudite person, someone who is learned as high manners and courtesy are associated with learning and erudition. However, the idea of courtesy is firmly established at the root of the word adab. Imam Maulud starts his treaties with courtesy since excellent behavior and comportment are the doorkeepers to the science of spiritual purification. One must have courtesy with regard to God, behave properly with respect to his presence if he or she wishes to purify the heart. But how does one achieve this courtesy? Imam Maulud mentions two requisite qualities associated with courtesy, modesty, hayah, and humility, lvud. So in order for us to achieve adab, which is a prerequisite of purification, we have to first achieve the two prerequisites of adab, which are modesty and the humility and modesty. So these three, or these two, work to help us to achieve that state of adab, which is necessary if we're gonna do this proper, right? So now let's talk more in depth about these two words because they're used so often in different ways, but in this context, it's important to understand. Hayah, in Arabic, conveys the meaning of shame, though the root word of hayah is closely associated with life and living. The Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam stated, every religion has a characteristic of that religion. I'm sorry, every, excuse me, every religion has a quality that is characteristic of that religion, and the characteristic of my religion is hayah, an internal sense of shame that includes bashfulness and modesty. As children, many of us have had someone say to us at times, shame on you. Unfortunately, shame has now come to be viewed as a negative word, as if it were a pejorative. Parents are now often advised to never cause a child to feel shame. The current wisdom largely suggests that adults should always make the child feel good, regardless of his or her behavior. However, doing so eventually disables naturally occurring deterrents to misbehavior. So let's unpack that for a little bit because, again, as a teacher who's worked with young children, also as a parent, and someone who's kind of seen the spectrum around child-rearing, parenting, you find, I'm sure many of us, even in our own experiences, right? We've seen the devastating effects of someone who doesn't understand this, right? When you negatively speak to a child, you talk down to them, and you shame them without this context of doing it, again, with the right Nia, right? It's one thing to just want to shame for the sake of whatever the case may be. Sometimes people become, they can't regulate their own emotions, right? So it's like, I'm angry over a situation, and because I don't have the ability to regulate my emotion, I take it out on you, the individual or the child in this case. So parents often do that, educators, teachers do that, adults, grandparents, right? We see, unfortunately, the misuse of this concept of inculcating internal shame, right? And that's where we've gone to this other extreme of now all shame, categorically, is seen as bad. What we're being told here is actually, you have to be careful, because if you disable, at a young age, a child's internal ability to see good and bad, right? To see that the choice that they made or the action that they did has consequences that are negative, and to sit with that emotion of remorse, right? Of guilt, of feeling bad for what they did. If you disable that, then you can create the opposite, or you can create something that's quite negative, right? Which is someone who is deluded, who doesn't see their own, you know, the harm that they inflict on others, who was told maybe by, you know, it's kind of like misapplied compassion, right? Because a parent or an adult who thinks like, no, we should never, ever, you know, discipline a child when they do wrong, and you should never just, it's gonna damage them. That is an extreme view that also has consequences, right? Because you're disabling this important human quality of being able to be self-accountable for yourself. And that's why if you look around, you're seeing this very common in our culture now, right? Where people just don't, where they behave totally in their own self-interests with a very little regard for how it impacts other people, right? Have we not witnessed total entitlement in this culture? And this is one of the things that the US unfortunately is known for by a lot of people outside of the US. They just look at us as a bunch of entitled brats who are always operating for our own self-interest because we were never, you know, this is the nefs, right? And this is why from a spiritual perspective it's important to understand that, you know, that we are triune, right? We have three parts to us. And if we don't know how to control those parts, right? And how to govern ourselves, then we can actually be quite dangerous, right? So you see people just on the road, look at traffic. How many people do you see on a daily that are so entitled? They will drive at ridiculous speeds. Weave in and out, right, of lanes because they have somewhere to be, right? They don't care about the consequence of their actions. Maybe because no one gave them this mechanism to say, wait a second, you know, you can't just do whatever you want, right? That's not how things work. And so if we go with this idea that all shame is bad, right? This is unfortunately the consequences that you can create these types of, you know, situations where people are oblivious to the harm that they inflict on others, or they just simply are apathetic. They really don't care. And that is a byproduct. It's, I mean, it's a spiritual disease, but it comes from, again, this miscategorization of shame as being something like, again, a negative, a pejorative, something all across is bad. No, there is, from our spiritual perspective, human to human shaming, right? There's, of course, boundaries around that. And it should always be done in a healthy, productive, like when you're criticizing, for example, right? There's negative criticism that's just meant to tear someone down. And then there's positive criticism that is important for the individual to hear in order to be better, right? So the parent or the adult's role when they're, you know, using these, you know, certain terms or phrases, or however they're choosing to discipline a child in a situation, the intention should not obviously be personal, right? The nefs of that adult shouldn't be a factor. It's not about my feelings in this moment. It's about what is in the best interests of the child, right? So when you have that positive intention, and then obviously you have taqwa, right? That's a big factor because you're aware that God is watching and that that child is an amana and you can't just destroy it with your words or your tone or your threats, right? Because you fear the consequence of God in possibly abusing your power, right? If you're having all that awareness, then you will be very careful with how you discipline that child. And even if you leave that child to feel a bit of internal, like I said, shame, internal, not outward, not bad in front of anybody else, not, you know, it's not about you and them. It's about them recognizing that what they did was bad. Then you're helping to cultivate a conscience, right? You're helping to cultivate something very important for them in all aspects of their life. In relationships, they're gonna need to feel what it feels like to make a mistake and how to correct it, right? And that's the other part of it, which, I mean, it's not, I don't think it's mentioned here, but like, you know, when you're in that situation when you're disciplining a child, that you leave them feeling the, you know, feeling that remorse for whatever was done, but also there's a path to fix it, to redress that, right? So it's not just you're bad and I'm gonna label you like these, you know, that's not our way. It's to teach them right and wrong, but how do you fix yourself? How do you address this wrong, right? Because that is ultimately from, you know, from our, again, our, from a spiritual perspective, the way all of us will learn. If Allah swt left us without feeling hope, right, that we could become better, right? Then how many of us would feel like what's the point, right? But it's the fact that time and time again, he's telling us, right? Whether you're reading the Quran or different stories or hadith that no matter where you are, you know, even if your sins reach the foam of the ocean or reach the sky or the hadith of the man, for example, who killed 99 people, I mean, what is, why, think about why, first of all, was that hadith relayed, right? And then preserved for all these centuries, right? There's a reason because Allah wants it to reach those who feel that their sins are so bad, that they've, they're just so corrupt, just such terrible individuals. This is how Shaitan, you know, messes with us. He wears us down by, by, you know, giving us or attributing value to us according to our deeds, right? And so, I think they're going to do that. Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar. So we left off talking about, right, the importance of not seeing all shame as bad, because some shame is actually useful in that it helps us to develop a conscience and we become aware of ourselves and the fact that our actions when they are out of line, that they do require an appropriate response, right? And that can't be developed if you just gloss over everything someone does or says in order to spare them that momentary feeling of discomfort, right? So for young children, it's important that they do feel that momentary discomfort as long as you're not harming them. We don't harm, we don't inflict harm when we shame. It's a matter of teaching. It's a matter of therapy. It's a matter of discipline. So, and then, so he goes on to say here, some anthropologists divide cultures into shame cultures and guilt cultures. According to this perspective, shame is an outward mechanism and guilt is an inward one, which alludes to a human mechanism that produces strong feelings of remorse when someone has done something wrong to the point that he or she needs to rectify the matter. Most primitive cultures are not guilt-based but are shame-based, which is rooted in the fear of bringing shame upon oneself and the larger family. Islam honors the concept of shame and takes it to another level altogether, to a rank in which one feels a sense of shame before God. When a person acknowledges and realizes that God is fully aware of all that one does, says, and thinks, shame is elevated to a higher plane to the unseen world from which there is no cover. At this level, one feels a sense of shame even before the angels. So while Muslims comprise a shame-based culture, this notion transcends feeling shame before one's family, whether one's elders or parents, and admits a mechanism that is not subject to the changing norms of human cultures. So on this point, some of us may come from cultures where we were taught what will the people say? And so, and I think girls, we tend to hear this more. We're more policed sometimes in many of our cultures than the boys are. So if you grew up in a household of total double standards, where your brothers were allowed to do certain things that you weren't, because what you were told was what will people say, right? Although that should not be the conclusion of how we understand shame, it is necessary in that until someone develops that awareness of God, that it can be helpful for children and for adolescents as they're developing to direct them to the social consequences of misbehavior, right? Because it's kind of, again, a way of disciplining that nuts, that if it's not given certain parameters or certain boundaries, that it may harm its children and cause harm to others. So that's why providing that lens of looking at what will people say is temporarily useful in that stage of life, right? But as we evolve and as we grow in our understanding, as we develop our own relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, it has to move beyond the people, right? If you're stuck at the level of what will the people say, the danger of that is that, what happens when there's nobody watching, right? And this is how shaitan can dilute a lot of people. And you have a lot of people who have the problem of duplicity, right? Of having, wearing masks. So in certain spaces, they're one way and then in other spaces, they're a different way because maybe this point of shame around what will people say was all they were really given. And so that can actually grow or lead to many more problems for the individual because then they are under this delusion that as long as nobody else knows or as long as no one else sees, then it's okay. And that's, these are all very, very subconscious, internal conversations that we're having within ourselves because, and who are the operators here, right? Who are the ones that are having these conversations? Well, that's where we have to go back to our own nature. Yes. Yes. Absolutely, no, it's so on point because unfortunately a lot of parents will get stuck on, again, disciplining the child and not really focusing on, does the child really understand, right? The gravity of what they've done or is it just in the moment, you want them to feel so bad for what they did? And we personalize things. Sometimes parents, depending again on our own experiences are on upbringing, because a lot of times we're just repeating what was done to us, right? So learn behaviors and then we repeat those same cycles. But if you were in a household where all of your parents did was have to instill immense fear in you, shame you, discipline, give you a consequence, a punishment, and that was it. And there was no conversation, broader conversation, right? To really help you understand the consequence of that action, right? In a healthy way, then what happens is, like so many children do, when authority is not present, then the mischievous side comes out, right? And I've seen this as a teacher in classroom settings, right? So everybody's on their best behavior because the teacher is in the room, but as soon as this teacher steps out, there's no self-governance happening because the child was not properly taught to have this broader understanding, right? That it's not about just getting in the good favors of the adults around you and just trying to be pretentious, because that's a pretense, right? Of model behavior, like I do everything according to what is expected of me. That's, if that's all it is, and it's just a show, it's a performance, then when the people that you're trying to impress are no longer there, then your real side comes out. That duality is very, very dangerous spiritually, but a lot of people, unfortunately, this is how they have been raised to think, right? That it's all about just basically towing the line and staying on good behavior as long as the adults or whoever you're trying to impress coworkers. I mean, if you think about how many people slack off at work, right? In professional spaces, you will have people when the supervisors, managers, or if it's that day where the top heads are coming in, you know, everybody's like suddenly, you know, on their whatever devices and they're really into their work and their desks or their cubicles or whatever, just perfect, but when those authority figures aren't there, then what happens, right? That's the true self. Like in the absence of people that you're trying to impress, how are you? That's why a good indicator of where you are spiritually is not how you are in the masjid or at halqa or on hajj or anywhere that you would think, you know, is going to reveal your spirituality. The true self is revealed when you're alone, right? When you are by yourself and nobody is there, how are you behaving? That's why it's so important to again understand that when we're going back to this issue of shame, the conversation has to evolve away from just what are the social consequences of misbehavior. That is very limiting and it actually, as I said, can contribute to other spiritual problems, not only the problem of duplicity of dual natures of having one mask for one, you know, but the other side of it is also another disease which we'll get to soon, ostentation, right? Ria, and that's one of the diseases that we'll cover. This is when you actually are deliberately doing certain things so that people are impressed by you. And it's one of the most common, subtle, and dangerous of the diseases of the heart, like it's actually considered minor shirk because when you are doing things like increasing your spiritual efforts so that people are impressed by you or think that you're more knowledgeable, you know, you kind of, again, in certain spaces you hold yourself in a certain way, but then outside of those spaces you're very different. Those are all indications of spiritual disease, right? Because look at the Prophet's life, you will not find him, he was very consistent, regardless of who he was with, right? It didn't matter whether it was with his family, with his companions, with heads of states, with servants. The Prophet's life was the same and that's because he was more concerned with Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala's opinion of him than trying to either, you know, try to impress people or avoid their judgment, which is what we human beings have to grapple with, especially in today's world when so much of our interaction is through social media, right? Think about how much we are, I mean, how many of you are on social media? Like you actually have a presence, Instagram, Facebook, Snap. How many of you are just not? Like you have no social media presence? That's impressive. Mashallah, may Allah protect you. Because more and more people are, because I mean, COVID aside, but also before COVID, it's just kind of the way the world is going, right? It's like in order, even in professional spaces or relationships, like you're moved, if you've moved away from family or friends, sometimes the only way to stay in touch is through these different mediums, so people have to participate even if they don't want to. But there are, I know people too who've held out, and I'm always impressed by that, mashallah. But if you're on social media, then you can see how this is a concern, isn't it like the presentation that a lot of people have on social media? Have you ever felt a little uncomfortable, maybe like scrolling through someone's page or not even a person, but like just kind of seeing the way that like Muslim be, I should say the culture around certain, like for example, the spaces, right? There's certain, like Muslim Twitter has its own sort of culture versus Muslim Instagram, versus Muslim Facebook, right? But it's kind of similar in the sense that the way that people behave on these spaces seems to be very much focused on image, right? There's a huge concentration on image. TikTok, all of these different spaces, you'll see very polished presentations. Like if you have people who are influencers, right? Even that whole category is you'll see that so much of their focus is on putting an image forward that sells something, that sells an idea that I have either, I'm a model parent, wife, I have a perfect home, like spotless, there's nothing wrong with my life, you know? Or I have an amazing social life. Or I travel and see the best places, right? But there's a lot of focus on look at me and how fabulous my life is and how amazing my life is. That can be spiritually very detrimental because now we're talking about, especially if a big part of your persona is your spiritual, you know, your spirituality. Like that's a very big part of who you are. And then you couple that with this need for validation, for attention, right? You can see where this is going. But this is why we were warned of these things so long ago that you have to be very careful with your intentions and with the way that you interact in public. And this can be one-on-one with, you know, individuals, like in this, you know, onsite, like here as we are, or it could be in spaces like that thousands of, you know, people can access whatever it is. If you're putting yourself out in a public way, be very mindful, right? Of what you're saying, how you're presenting yourself because the danger is again that you could be, you know, you're polluting that intention, that purity of intention that is so essential to everything that we do and say as believers. So that's the danger, the other side of not inculcating a healthy understanding of shame, right? Of not incorporating this lens of looking at, well, your every action, every word, every deed is known to Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta'ala. How do you operate with that knowledge, right? That's the most important central information that should dictate your every action and every word that Allah is watching you at all times. You can never escape Him. But if you don't have that awareness and you're thinking more about Auntie Sonso because she talks a lot and I don't want her to know or, you know, or Uncle Sonso, or whoever it is in the community that you're worried about, then what's gonna happen is again, Shaytan's gonna trap you into this thinking that as long as they don't know, I'm good. But that's not necessarily the case, right? Because when we immerse ourselves in sins, it's a very slippery slope, but it's also very dangerous because you have no idea when the veil will be removed. Allah could very well remove that veil and He has for many people unfortunately throughout history, there's many cautionary tales of veils being removed from people who thought they were getting away with something because nobody knew, but then Allah is the one who knew and He removed the veil and now everybody knows, right? We've seen it in our own time too, unfortunately, with some of these, you know, scandals and things that have happened in our own community. It's been unfortunate, but you have to think about that. SubhanAllah, you know, those people who were doing those things, they thought they were, they had some delusion, something that told them that they were gonna get away with it and Allah decided to remove that for, you know, inshallah, I mean, alhamdulillah, to prevent harm, that's a good thing, but still this idea that we, as human beings, can fall into these traps is really important to understand. So that's why having a healthy understanding of shame and not falling into what the predominant culture tells us is really important. We have our own standards and I think what's happening is sometimes we hear things like in the culture around us and because it's like, it's so commonly, it's so pervasive and it's so widespread, we sometimes may think that that's a better way, right? But in fact, when it comes to things that are very clear cut like this, we shouldn't just, just because it sounds right, like it sounds right to say, you should never shame a child, right? That sounds right, but then if you think about the spiritual consequences that we just laid out, then you realize actually, look at what that philosophy has done, look at what that understanding has done in this culture, right, where you see a lot of entitlement and a lot of behavior that shows very little self-accountability. So is it really wise? No, contextualize it to what does our tradition say? Our tradition says everything within limits, but in order to have a healthy understanding, the most important factor is Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And that's why even when I do parenting classes, I always try to focus on the parenting, on the parent and myself included, slowly kind of removing, withdrawing ourselves from the, as a focal point of our children, right? So it's normal when you're a parent to expect the child to be, you know, follow the lines, be obedient, listen, because I said so, right? Again, based on the model of parenting you ascribe to, that may be the way that you try to get to your child. Don't do it, or, you know, we're gonna get mad, Baba's gonna get mad, Dad's gonna get mad, or you're using basically these terms to try to get through to the child. But at a certain point, you have to know the wisdom of removing yourself from the equation. Good, in disciplinary times, but also in positive times. And what I mean by that is like, even when you're happy with the child, not focusing too much on yourself, right? Like, oh, I'm so proud of you, when you're, you know, look at you, you've made, or like, if you're giving them a gift, for example, you know, to kind of spotlight yourself, right? Creates this understanding where the child just sees you pleasing you or not wanting to displease you as being their ultimate objective. But if you can slowly with retreat and then remind them of Allah, right? As you're praising them or as you're disciplining them, you're going to help them to cultivate an awareness of God that when you're not there, it will hopefully kick in. That mechanism will kick in. So later in their teen years, for example, when they have the first opportunity to, I mean, this is very real phenomenon, unfortunately nowadays, the younger and younger, it's happening, but children who get a device for the first time. You know, if you've spent a lot of time helping them to understand that Allah's with you at all times, he can see you and you wanna really be protective of yourself like our teachers, you know, have taught us like in their own parenting style to tell the children like to guard your heart, you know, protect your heart, protect your eyes to constantly infuse these ideas from a very early age. So the child realizes because Allah, you wanna make Allah happy. He gave you the blessing of eyesight. He gave you the blessing of hearing. So reminding Allah always, always infusing his remembrance in your guidance, right? So that when that child gets the opportunity for the first time to see something haram or like, you know, it happens. Their friends are sending them things. They may land on a page that's inappropriate that maybe that voice that you've helped to awaken within them, right? Stir something in their heart where they look away, they turn it off and then they come and tell you. And that's why when it comes to this relationship it's so important like with my own children, for example, very early on I taught them, tell me the truth. It's going to be much better for you than to deceive, to be deceptive. Like if you think you're gonna get in the worst trouble possible, I'd rather you tell me the full truth and you'll be rewarded for that than you lying or distorting, you know, like you break something. Sometimes children, they don't wanna get in trouble. It's natural, they're scared. But if you teach them early on to have open communication, right? And what happens is when they're in those situations later on, hopefully all of those things that you've taught them will kick in and they'll remember, I should tell my mom the truth, right? So Alhamdulillah, like, you know, I have two boys, been telling that for the very day one and they to this day, Alhamdulillah wa shukla ma'ala protected, but they will come and report to me if they do something wrong because they understand that I'm not going to shame them. I'm not going to, you know, use, weaponize that information against them and make them feel horrible. But actually, just as we are taught, right? When we make mistakes as adults, Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la tells us to come back to me, right? Toba, the concept of Toba is constantly reinforced because he doesn't want us to feel what shaytan would want us to think which is I'm doomed, right? I'm done for, I'm horrible, Allah will never look at me with love again. That's what shaytan fills our minds with, but Allah's constantly telling us, no matter how many mistakes you make, keep coming back, right? If I wanted to create everyone, you know, perfect worshipers that never made mistakes, he would have done that, but he didn't. He made us with the ability to make, you know, to return to him. And so these are the ideas that he's constantly reminding us of, but we can do something similar in terms of how we talk to one another, creating safe spaces, right? When you create a safe space for family, for children, for friends, for your spouse if you're married, what you're saying is I'd rather you be honest and have open communication than be deceptive and think that there's, you know, no other recourse because that's, again, just gonna, things will break down at that point, but if there's honesty and you create those healthy spaces, then inshallah you can work through whatever it is. So we can do that in so many different areas with friendships, with marriages, with children, but all of it comes down to, do we understand this concept well? That first of all, we all make mistakes, all of us, and when a person makes a mistake, whatever their age, whatever the case may be, that we should show compassion. This is the prophetic way and that's why the Prophet Sallam received people of all different, I mean, there's so many stories where he would bring people into a state of calm and inner peace even though they felt that shame, right? Because his way, he's the universal prophet of Rahmah, like he's teaching people to be compassionate, so we have to learn that. But again, this mechanism is really important to inculcate at an early age in order to have it in adulthood, which we all need it, of course. So Imam Mollud also mentions that one should have Dhul, right? Which literally means being lowly abject or humbled. The Quran mentions that people who incur the anger of God have this state of humiliation thrust upon them. This humility or humbleness assumed before God is required for courtesy. Interestingly, the word Munkasiran is translated as dejected, though it literally means broken. It conveys a sense of being humbled in the majestic presence of God. It refers to the awesome realization that each of us at every moment lives and acts before the august presence of the creator of the heavens and the earth, the one God besides whom there is no power or might in all the universe. When we seriously reflect on God's perfect watch over His creation and the countless blessings He sends down and then consider the kind of deeds we bring before Him, what can we possibly feel except humility and shame? These strong feelings should lead us to implore God to change our state, make our desires consonant with His pleasure, giving up our designs for God's designs. This is pure courtesy with respect to God, a requisite for spiritual purification. The Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said, none of you fully believes until his desires are in accordance with what I have brought. Being aligned and at peace with the teachings of the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, which embody the legacy of the prophetic teachings of Noah, Abraham, Moses, and Jesus, Alaihi Wasallam, entails striving to free oneself of greed and refusing the ethic of doing something for an ulterior motive that is essentially selfish and dissonant with the teachings of God's prophets, Alaihi Wasallam, a person should not seek anything from God's servants. If one wants anything, one should seek it from God, the sovereign of the heavens and the earth. The basic rule is to ask God and then work. That is one should utilize the means, asbab, that one must use in order to achieve something in this world. Imam al-Malud then says that one should hasten to fulfill God's command and be wary of the subtle encroachment of bad manners, namely, faults that one is unaware of. Hadith states, one of you will say a word and give it no consideration, though it will drag the person who uttered it through hellfire for 70 years. People often become so disconnected from prophetic teachings that they unwittingly inflict great harm upon themselves. It is comparable to a heedless person who finds himself in diplomatic circles laden with protocol, yet he makes horrendous breaches of protocol without realizing it. With regard to God, the matter is obviously much more serious as one's soul may be harmed by one's own breaches. In this case, the protocol involves knowledge of God and what he has enjoyed and prescribed. So this is really important and I hope it's clear what is being said here. Again, in order for us to really embark on this journey of self purification, we have got to have adab with God. If we want to have adab with God, we have to understand healthy sense of internal shame and also have the humility to see ourselves in this abject low light. In this way of seeing like I'm always deficient, but yet God is so great, right? I'm always short. I'm distracted in my prayers. I lose my temper. I'm impatient. I don't have good adab. I forget things all the time. I miss the mark, but God is so generous that he continues to guide me. This is the greatest gift. Seriously, think about the world right now and how many people have no guidance. They're walking around in shells just empty because they weren't raised with purpose and this is why a lot of people are struggling because they don't have purpose. If you look at the modern world, it's so sad because at least, yes, with all the other problems in the world that existed before modern times, there are always problems, but I think one of the things that we can appreciate about pre-modern people is that they believed in God and they had a drive, they had a purpose. They woke up feeling like life had meaning, but when you have all of these ideas, right? These very secular ideas, these very ideas that are totally divorced from faith and tradition, these post-modern ideas of just basically rejecting that there's objective truth, that life is meaningless, there's a lot of cynicism, a lot of just empty, like what's the meaning of it all? These are the kinds of ideas that a lot of our fellow human beings are raised in because the cultures that they are raised in have lost faith and you find it more and more, right? Look at Europe, look at, even here in the US, I mean there's Pew studies that show like levels of religiosity have plummeted in just the past few decades, it's so sad and that's why, I remember I did a panel here at the MCC with Rabbi and a priest, I believe, or a pastor and we were talking about like engagement from the community and they were both just saying that it's so hard to keep their doors open because the people that come to their congregations, both the Rabbi and the pastor were like, in the 50, 60 above, like the boomer generation, have very few young people, families are basically non-existent, so their congregants are of a, it's kind of like a dying breed. So when we were telling them, I mean I was like, please don't, don't give us dying, but we were telling them about how, masha'Allah, we have youth programs and we have, and this was before COVID, like we had thousands of people coming for salat al-Juma, I mean it gets really packed here. They were both stunned, they were shocked, like really? Like you guys have that many people and we're like, yeah, we have a lot of our congregants or young families, like young couples, they couldn't believe it because church doors were being closed, I'm sure you've seen, right? How many, they're not an operation anymore because people have left faith. This is a very common problem now in many different parts of the world, so what that, you know, unfortunately has done is it's created this world of nihilists or nihilists who are just, life has no meaning, and you raise families like that and then imagine living in the world without thinking that there's more beyond this world, like that's actually really tragic to me, right? It's tragic to think that there are people out there who just think this is it and then we die and that's it, we just become worm food and there's nothing more, but alhamdulillah we have guidance and we have a medicine that a cure all, right? A panacea that helps us to be able to cope with not just everything that's going on right now, but also loss, like people, I mean, you'll see it in your own life, you're going to go through challenges, it's part and parcel of being in this dunya, you're gonna lose people, you know, you're gonna go through personal challenges of your own, struggles, internal, financial, relationship, there's gonna be things, health issues that come up, but what having deen does is it gives you alhamdulillah something, it's like, it's stabilizing, right? Because when everything seems shaken and like turbulent, you just remember that this is temporal, it's ephemeral and Allah's in control and it's all gonna be over and then there's more and that more is what I'm planning for, right? And that solid belief is what helps us to carry through. So alhamdulillah, being in a state of total gratitude to Allah, for the blessings of guidance, for all the blessings that we have, but realizing that even though we're short and we fail and we falter, that he still continues to pour into us his generosity, you know, I remember, I don't know, maybe 10, 15 years ago, things that, you know, when you're young, it's like until you experience certain things, it doesn't hit you. But how many of us take, for example, our health for granted, you know? Just if you've ever been knocked out or like had a cast or back problems, right? If you've ever experienced like something where your mobility was affected, how much more appreciative of your mobility were you, right? Like when you come out of that situation, you've healed and you're like, oh my God. I remember I had chronic back pain a few years ago and there was one time where I had pulled my back and I was out for three weeks. Like, it was such a difficult struggle. Oh my gosh, I couldn't sit. The back, it was so bad that I was basically on my back for three weeks and imagine you still have to function. You know, I still had to, you know, like how do you use the restroom? How do you do certain things? It was so difficult and I honestly wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to walk or sit up again because the pain was so excruciating. Alhamdulillah, Allah is so kind because he helped me heal from that, right? When I came out of that, oh my God, did I look at like my mobility in such a different way? Because you know, to have, it's one thing to kind of, oh, my back hurts, but to not be able to even sit up was really, really very, very difficult. So you see people going through health issues. That's why that, I don't know if it's a hadith or a saying, I think it might be a hadith, that health is a crown that only the sick can see, right? Like we're all wearing crowns when we're in good health but the people who really appreciate that crown are those that are looking at you like, wow, do you even know what you have? And I remember one of my very close friends, may Allah bless her, she got a terrible reaction to something and awakened this triggered and autoimmune response that just devastated her and really caused wreak havoc on her whole body but she was prevented and to this day, she can't make sajda. But I remember when she told us that, I just cried. And if I think about it, I'll get emotional because she just said like, what I wouldn't do to make a sajda again. And how many of us are like chickens just rushing through the sajda because we don't realize there are people who are so, like they wish they could just do that action again. It was removed from them, they're withheld from it but we have it. So this is what this abject state looks like. It's fully becoming aware of the fact that God has given us so much and we're unworthy of it but he's so generous and then what that does is it makes you feel so indebted and so in love with him, right? Because you're aware and you're counting all the blessings he's given you, despite your deficiency. So what it does is it makes you just feel so like connected in such a deep way that you seek out opportunities to gain his pleasure. And that's how we then move into this concept of having other with God, right? Because once you get to that point of I feel bad when I make mistakes and then I realize my own lowliness now how can I gain the pleasure of Allah? I need to have adab with Allah. So how can I do that? And that's why this analogy of not being aware of yourself or not having this realization is like someone being thrown into a formal environment, like the analogy was given it's comparable to a heedless person who finds himself in diplomatic circles. So if you find a person who is thrown into a meeting with the president and congressman, right? And if you've watched any films or anything that kind of show how aristocratic people or people in high political office behave, right? They conduct themselves a certain way. There's etiquettes. Even if certain cultures have very specific etiquettes of how you sit, how you eat, you have to dress a certain way, right? But imagine a person who's thrown into that with no idea that there's a protocol, right? That there's protocols, which are codes of conduct. They're just kind of thrown into that environment. How are they gonna walk around? Are they gonna fit in? Or are they gonna obviously look like they don't belong there? Most of us, because we don't know the adab with God, that's how we are. We're kind of like, you know, walking around like that person totally doesn't, because we're not paying attention to, or we're not asking the right questions. Like what are the protocols? What does God expect from me? How should I behave? And that's what purification of the heart teaches you, right? It teaches you to take a very deep look into understanding your own weaknesses, shortcomings, and aligning them with what God expects of you, and ridding yourself of those things where you're not aligned in those diseases. So, alhamdulillah, we'll stop here because there's a lot more in this section and we can continue, inshallah, next time. But are there any questions or anything anybody wants to share, any comments? Anything? Any reflections? Yes? Yes, alhamdulillah. Oh man, I can't tell you how many cases I've been involved in with that. It really hurts my heart to hear those things, but I know that they exist, and that's a form of spiritual abuse. So, we should know, and if anybody's ever had experience where it was, whether it was a parent or an Islamic school teacher or a grandparent who's ever used religion to shame you and been really cruel or physically harmed you as a child, that person was really out of line, and that is a form of spiritual abuse, and they certainly were not speaking on any level of authority from the deen. No matter how many Quranic verses they taught you, or tried to force down onto you, it's, they don't know what they're talking about. And we have to really, you know, because these are very traumatic experiences. I once had a young girl, and this was after a talk I gave, very, I mean, it always sits with me because I think about where she is now. But she came up to me after a talk, and she was like, I need to speak to you. And I said, okay, so we kind of huddled a little bit, you know, away from the crowd. And I don't know if she was speaking on her own behalf or her friend. You know, sometimes people will come and say, I have a friend, but you don't know. But she said that one of her friends had been cutting, self-harming. And then, you know, as I probed further, she said that it was because her mother, from a very young age, used to abuse her. And it was unfortunately, because of, you know, her mother had very high expectations of her children, I guess, when it came to memorizing the Quran. And so whenever this little, some of the stories are just like, I mean, I was really shocked when she told me this. But she said, yeah, ever since she was three years old, her mother would basically beat her if she made mistakes with the Quran. And she would even run after her in the house with like a knife. And so I'm just standing there like, I cannot believe that, you know, someone could do that. You're like, this is the book of Allah, Subhanahu wa ta'ala. This is the most merciful of the merciful. We start with Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim. And you're gonna, because of a child, a three-year-old, there's no accountability on a three-year-old to memorize the Quran, right? But this poor girl was so worried because she said that her friend was suicidal. And I mean, it was a very complicated story. And I tried to give her the help that she needed. But I just, it's always stayed with me like, how could someone do that? But then you realize, as we mentioned, a lot of these things are learned behaviors. So the cycle of abuse and violence, usually it's learned, right? So somewhere that woman, and we're not, you know, excusing it because of that. It's just a fact. Somewhere, maybe she was given the same discipline, you know? And if you look at, unfortunately, some of our schools back home, how many of us have heard the horror stories, right? Of how they discipline, you know, using actual physical punishment. This is totally haram. You cannot do that. You can't hurt children. So these types of things we have to be clear about. And we don't, you know, make excuses for that kind of behavior. It's totally unacceptable. Children have to be very, we have to be very delicate with how we treat them. But we also have to know that children are like, you know, they're nufus, the nufs. They're little nufus that kind of like, you know, how our, like Imam al-Ghazali and our other great scholars described, it's like a wild animal that has to be tamed, right? So the discipline, the tarbiyah, is the taming process. But even that is done with compassion. It's not done with force and abuse, right? You can tame an animal. You know, when I was expecting my first son, I used to watch a lot of animal play, and I love animals. But I remember watching, you know, these trainers, whether it was with dogs or others, and you would take the wildest, most, you know, virile, or is that the right word? What is it when they're very, feral, sorry, not virile. Feral, like animal, that's wild and what have you. And you just give them the proper trainer who knows how to break the fear in that animal. Because, you know, a lot of times they're victims of abuse too. That's why, like, you know, dogs or cats, when you see them really like hissing or barking, don't presume that that's a natural disposition. Dogs are like man's best friend. They're amazing, you know, animals, are amazing. Cats as well, but when you see that sign, they were likely abused. But when you put a person, I mean, an animal like that with a trainer who understands how to reach the animal, what can happen? I just saw a recent little video on an animal like that. It was a cat where it was the same situation, completely, you know, destroyed by some human and made to be very, very skittish and just not very, you know, like approachable, but give it some time, love, and then you see a total transformation. Children are the same. You have to tame that inner beast within them. Yes? Mashallah, that's a very good question. I'll just kind of paraphrase it for those who are watching online. So the question was about how to teach our teenagers modesty when they're seeing other Muslims also behave immodestly without allowing them or without, you know, leading them to be judgmental, right, so to be more mindful of themselves but also deal with these types of, you know, inconsistencies, right, because it doesn't make sense. So it's a very good question. I think, you know, these conversations have to start very early. Sometimes, you know, we wait, it's not that we're doing it intentionally, but kind of like when problems arise, then we address these bigger conversations, right? But if you, I mean, from a general sense, I would just say for parents who are sending their kids to public schools, for example, or even Islamic schools, some of these things, let's be real, are happening even in Islamic schools. If you're going to send your children to environments where they're going to be exposed to certain things, then the preparation for those types of things have to happen before they see it, right? It's not just, oh, now that you've seen it, let's address it. So that would be a general advice, but once they've seen it, and then going back, and that's why I think, you know, having conversations around human nature, which are very like equalizing, it allows, when we talk about the nature of human behavior and how throughout history, you will find very similar, like history repeats itself, human beings are very predictable, right? A lot of these things are not new, it's just that they, we have different contexts, right? But it's not like being shameless, or being maybe overly sexual, or whatever the case may be, is something that is a new phenomenon. It was done differently, more discreetly maybe in previous times, but the fact remains that human beings have weaknesses, right? And so when you approach these topics in a way of, how did Allah SWT create us, that we are created with, that's why I like looking at, for example, like the great philosophers, Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, they kind of give us a comprehensive view, right, of the human being, and of course our own, Imam al-Khazali and others who used and incorporated similar ideas, but like understanding the triune nature of the human being, that like I have these conversations, I'm reading currently, for example, with my boys, I'm reading from, you know, Plato, the Republic, because Socratic way of teaching is really good way of teaching children, right? To ask questions, to kind of get their minds thinking, and sometimes we think like, oh little kids, they can't get this stuff, but that's not true, they actually can learn very well if you kind of trigger their own internal like inquisition, like, you know, like think about this on a deep level. So anyway, we're talking about these ideas, and so in part of the Republic, Plato talks about, you know, the, what he defines as the human, and then the beast and the pig, right? Or the pig and the dog. But there's, this represents, these are the three ways that the triune nature of the human being is presented. So we have the intellect, right? The akal that we're taught, which is what should govern our behavior. Then we also have our appetitive soul, right? Our concupiscent soul, which is where our nefs, where our appetites, our base appetites reside. And then we have our irascible soul, or the beast, right? The dog, which represents our emotions. So when you help children understand that we all, every single person, even mom, or sorry, mama and baba, and grandma and grand, everybody, we all have these three parts of us. And how do they work, right? Appetites, for example, are essential. We need to eat, we need to drink, we need to sleep, and we procreate, right? For the purpose of, you know, maintaining our, it's an impulse for the race, right? The human race. We have to procreate in order to have children. So that's a natural desire that human beings have given us. And we can go into extremes in our appetites. So when you kind of have a conversation like this where it's more philosophical, as opposed to, like, you know, kind of getting into specifics about students on their campus, and like just kind of talk about it as a general. Like this is all human nature. And then go into, again, more descriptions like emotions, right? We have emotions for a reason. They're useful, but they can also be weaponized. Like anger. Anger is a very useful emotion, but if you don't know how to control anger, right? Then it's kind of like having a wild dog on the loose without a leash. You need to be able to control those emotions. That's where self-regulation is important. And then how are, who's governing? If you're, if you know that you have three aspects to you but you don't know how to govern yourself, then maybe, and there are people nowadays, think about it, how many people are being led by their appetites, right? How many people are being led by their emotions? We have a society that's run amuck with emotions. There's so many emotions. Everybody's triggered. Everybody's angry all the time, right? How many people are angry and you're just like, like what? It's so irrational, but they're in a heightened state of emotion because they haven't been taught that your emotions are useful but they're also dangerous if you, if they're controlling you, right? You shouldn't let emotions control you. You shouldn't let your appetites control you. The aqal has to, the reason has to be governing. It's like the driver, you know, who's driving the vehicle of your body. If you allow your base desires to drive you, like so many people, you will find yourself harming yourself. So when it comes to inappropriate behavior and modest behavior, that is, it could be both. It could be both the emotions, right? And the appetites governing. And what does that do? How many people have gotten themselves in really horrible situations because they let their emotions lead or their desires lead? So you have unwanted pregnancies, you have heartache. I mean, how many young people do, have we known in our life who suffered immense heartache because their emotions led them down a path to have a relationship they weren't ready to have, right? That was not gonna be something long lasting. And we know from, with girls especially, we attach more, we get more, you know, connected. It's not just a physical thing. So when we can approach these topics from this type of a lens that just speaks to human nature and the dangers of human nature, when it's not, you know, given, when we don't have these understandings clear, then the child can, you're reaching their intellect. You know what I mean? And that's, I think, a much better approach as a parent. I mean, I always try to reach my children's intellect when I'm trying to teach them something because if I'm speaking from emotion and fear and anger and a feeling of how could you betray me, that's not gonna reach them because remember teens, and this is just FYI, we all I'm sure remember are going through this ourselves, there's a point when adolescents, they switch their loyalty. Their loyalty goes to their peer group, right? And parents have to kind of deal with that, like wow, all my life I've served you and taken care of you and now just because you're friends as something, you know, my opinion doesn't matter, yeah. It's natural because why? They have to start to individuate from you and in order for them to do that, which is a natural occurrence in adolescence, they have to start to form their own ideas independent of you. So in fact, sometimes they will deliberately go against you because what you're saying doesn't fit what they want to explore or maybe what everybody else is doing, peer pressure, all that stuff is real. So just to, because it's an impulse, they'll just go against you. Whereas if you try to approach their intellect and really speak to them about what would be the benefit of having a boyfriend? Like that's a kind of, again, a Socratic method of inquiry. Like why would you want a boyfriend at 12, 13, 14? What would be the benefit? Help them to come to their own conclusions. Oh, you know, it'd be nice to have someone, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so what if that boyfriend wants to pressure you into doing certain things that you're not ready to do? How would you handle that situation? You know, like let them explore the concept that they're kind of grappling with in a way that is not just fear-based where it's like, no, no, no, it's wrong don't even think about it, shut it down. But actually help them to see that there's more harm in what they're being drawn to. Yeah, that's something that we have to be very clear about. Like, Allah is so forgiving and so raheem that if that friend makes toba, inshallah, they won't be punished. But not to ever make the opposite statement that says, yes, absolutely, they're going to hell. Because you just don't know the toba of a person who, you know, especially in that age where they're so fragile and they're learning, like adolescence is a very complicated time. I work with teens, I know what, from the conversations I've had, it's just so difficult and we have to be compassionate. But when they're asking questions like that, they're literally, it's a test, right? It's a test to see, basically, are you going to, you know, is there, and unfortunately, especially if they're being influenced from other groups that tell them, we're all inclusive and compassionate and love and there's nothing wrong. You know, they may be looking to see if you're going to be offering them something that doesn't quite fit that, right? So you wanna be very careful not to fall into those types of situations where you may inadvertently confirm something that isn't really true because we can't judge anybody. We can say what's haram and what's not permissible, but we can never say that a person will be punished because we simply don't know. So when they ask very direct questions like that, be very clear that nobody can say if someone's gonna be punished or not. What we can tell you is it's displeasing to Allah, but Allah's also so merciful. And if a person makes a sincere toba, inshallah, it can be wiped away as if it never happened. And that's the kind of compassion that you wanna reach them with. But I think, sorry, I give you a very long answer, but the reason why is because these conversations can't be just had quickly and just, try to quickly resolve it. You have to actually approach it in this way of, I need to reach the intellect inside this teenager because they are intellectual beings, right? And they're being sold on an idea by the popular culture that tells them, especially young girls, that your value is only good as far as how sexually attractive you are or what you can offer in that way. So there's this hypervigilance on being alluring and it's seductive and attractive. And we have to break down all of those narratives for them and help them to see why they're so destructive and to look like, for example, I mean one of the things that when I talk to teens, like I talk about like who are some famous singers, right? And so they'll, I mean now I haven't met with them in a while, but like conversations before, they would mention certain people like Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, right? Demi Lovato, these are singers we all know. So then you say, what's their relationship like, history like? If you know anything about any of these three, you know that they have a streak. They're like serial, you know, in terms of their relationship history, it's known about them, right? But what are the majority of their songs? Heartbreak and love, are those authorities that you would wanna listen to when it comes to the realm of relationships? Like really, think about it. If a person doesn't have a good track record in the art of love, right? And their every song is about being miserable and being heartbroken and hating on their exes. Why are we holding them up and then aspiring to, you know, to looking at them like, oh my God, they're so cool. They're so, it's such a like a Psyops, like a psychological thing that we're all being, you know, tricked into thinking, so these are the types of intellectual sort of approaches to conversations that we, if you have with teens, especially as a parent, you're gonna get garner more respect from them if you try to speak intellectually to them as opposed to being emotional, using threatening language, being angry, don't do that, please. Cause that's literally handing them to their peer group and saying, shut down conversation with mom and dad, never approach them again. So creating those safe spaces is let's talk, let's unpack this, let's think about this. And then also there is a time as a parent, I'm gonna have to do it too, I have a 13 year old now, where we have to hand the baton off to a mentor that we can enlist that will have, be able to have these conversations. Cause I can't tell you how many parents have come up to me and said, oh my God, if you said this to my child, you know, they would take it, but for me, and it's true, I will literally say verbatim what their parents have said and they'll take it for me, but not their parents. So that may be another easy approach is just to get a good mentor who's a few years older to have these conversations with her so that she can see that this isn't just mom trying to clamp down and control you. This is wisdom that will benefit you. Like when I talk to teens, I talk about like, or women in general, like we should know about female sexual power. Like it's something that we should understand because when you understand that, then you realize that it's a responsibility. It's a power that we've been given. And if you wield it without awareness of that power, then you cause a lot of harm. But the approaching topics like that, instead of just shaming women and saying, why are you wearing makeup? Why are you dressing like that? It doesn't go anywhere. It's just, it's not a helpful way to approach those topics. So I hope that was clear. Any other questions, ladies? Yes. Yeah, right. Now everything you said was on point. And I think I would just, I would say part of, what we have to remember as adults is that teen culture is so different. Like for boys, for example, I'm sure if anybody has sons, you know like in boy culture, there's so much competition. They're really trying to establish like, kind of an authority, right? Like who's gonna be the alpha? Who presents that way? So there is a lot of competitiveness. So that's why you see a lot of bullying and like kind of trash talking in boy culture, right? With girls, it's also about, there is a sort of competitive edge. So sometimes the impulse to want to judge is very strong. And they're looking to judge. So when you tell them don't judge, it's kind of like, okay, because it makes them feel good better in themselves when they can find something to look at another person who maybe they feel threatened by. Maybe that, maybe there's a girl who's prettier or who has something to offer that I don't. But if I can find a reason to judge her, oh, look at her, she's not modest, right? So this is all part of again the, I mean, these are very, very spiritual realities that have to be addressed when we talk about like diseases of the heart. Like, you know, that's why this text, I always say like, this should be done so much earlier than what we're offering now. We approach this as adults. I think like seriously elementary is where we should start because if a child understands like envy, right? From a very young age, and you're constantly reinforcing envy, then when they're in this age where envy becomes very like prominent in their heart because they're trying to figure themselves out and then they see others and it's kind of like a popularity thing. You know, like who's getting more attention? Who all the adults like, who the boys like, right? There's too much of that pressure, but maybe if they've had this education about, you know what, this is all signs of envy and you have those stories or stories that we can share with them about, you know, the dangers of being envious. Like all of those things can help them to navigate those experiences, but if we're not sharing those things, you know, or just kind of trying to approach it, like I said from a very emotional place, like, oh, you shouldn't do this or you shouldn't do that or we say, I just feel like the conversations have to be deep and that's why when our children enter the age of adolescence, we have to make time for them. Like don't wait for just problems to address them. Take them out, like literally take your daughters and sons on dates, go to a restaurant, have a really, like a nice drive and have really deep conversations with them. That is gonna make a much more bigger impact than you just waiting for them to come to you and complain to you about a situation and then in the moment you give them a few words. That is not as the same, right? So I feel like making the time to really have experiences with your children while you're infusing these teachings is going to actually get through to them and stick much better than just, like I said, kind of giving a band-aid solution because, you know, a problem arises and I just want a parent right now. That's the parenting hat. But we need to befriend our adolescents and befriending them requires spending time with them and having really deep conversations and appealing to their intellect. Really important. But thank you for that. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah wa iyaki, masha'Allah. All right, we have, I'm so sorry, gone over time so we'll end in dua, insha'Allah. Bismillahir rahmanir rahim wa al-asr. Inna l-insana la fi khusr illa alladina amanu wa amir al-salihaati wa tawasub al-haqi wa tawasub al-sabir, subhanakullahi wabih. Alhamdulillah, shadu an la ilaha illa anta. Nasdaq firuq wa natyubu ilayk. Allahumma salli wa sallim wa bariqa ala Sayyidina wa Maulana wa Habibirah Muhammad. Salli allahu alaihi wa sallim wa alaihi wa sahli wa sallim tasliman katheera. Alhamdulillah, jazaq mula khil in everyone. Thank you very much. Insha'Allah, we'll see you next week for, I'm sorry, not next week, next month. Next month insha'Allah, last Thursday of every month. All right, insha'Allah, thank you. Thank you. Alaykum as-salam.