 No you go baby, please go. Welcome back to Life Lessons in Film, today we'll be making sense of life through 500 days of summer. Which I've seen a million times, oh my gosh, I'm so tired, I'm always tired. If I wanted to do this summer, maybe I should let you, because you've seen it more. Okay, so it's two people, it is not a love story, as they point out, but it's two people, one is in love with the... they get into a relationship, but one person is hoping for a romantic relationship, the other person feels a draw towards this other person, the guy. So summer doesn't believe in romantic relationships, nor is she interested in pursuing one with Tom. With Tom, yeah. And she makes that clear to Tom, but Tom hopes that with time as their relationship progresses, she's going to settle into it being romantic, because he has these deep feelings for her, and they have a really strong connection, they like a lot of things, and they're both very fun, quirky, goofy people, same taste and they're very jovial. Very jovial. I would say, there we go, that's better. It's a powerful feeling when it just seems like everything you are and do and feel and think about clicks with the other person, it's very easy for that to just feel like this is it. That's what I've been waiting for, this is Kismet. The whole time Tom is trying to get Summer to see that this relationship is truly magnificent and is worthy of getting an official status into a relationship, a romantic relationship, and Summer persists, you know, that's not what I want. And she says this throughout the relationship and he continues to be hurt by it and is trying very hard to just look at it platonically, oh, this is just casual, but then he's like, yeah, she's in my bed, how's that casual, you know? Yeah, so that's basically the relationship, and yeah, no, you go baby, please go. Well, yeah, I guess a lot of the movie for me is miscommunication or not communicating, you know, you can kind of see it from both sides, but that's because they're not, a lot of it, they're just like, no, I'm good, I'm fine, or what's on your mind, are you sure? It's a lot of that movie is neither of them really knowing what to say or how to properly say it to the other person, what they're going through, what they, again, what their intentions were, because yeah, Tom brings up a good point, is this casual? But in her mind casual is, well, yeah, it's casual sex or casual hooking up and we could be kind of friends with benefits or it's kind of depending on, you know, just spur of the moment. Yeah, okay, I guess we're back at your place, you know, and he's thinking that's not, you know, this is a relationship thing, this is what you do, but it's perspective. As much as she says it a couple of times to Tom, that I just want, we're friends and that's it, and that's all I can ever give you, I cannot give you anymore. I guess the reason I'm thinking this is because I know the kind of person I am is I do tend to think for other people and what it is that they're going to be experiencing based on my actions. And so if I were in summer shoes, I would have said, I would have said to Tom, look, this is, I've been, I've keep saying that I just want to be friends with you. I see that you are, you have feelings, romantic feelings for me. I know for me that that's never going to change, but at the same time, and I would like for us to continue as we are, this friends with benefits situation that we have, but at the same time, I'm concerned about whether or not it would be good for you. It would be good for me because it serves what I, my needs, but I can see that it's not serving your needs. And so I want to know. I want to hear it from you that you are okay with the possibility because here you are, seeming like you want this to progress into a romantic relationship. I want to know for sure, just to clear my own conscious that you are okay with what I want. Even if, even though you know that you would prefer for us to have a romantic relationship, are you okay with us with the possibility that it's never going to happen? And then if he wasn't okay, then I would leave because I don't want to be engaging with someone in a way that I know that would ultimately hurt them. So that's me. Each time I watched the movie, I find myself oscillating between whether or not she was in the wrong or if she was in the right, like she had, because she was honest throughout. I think, again, if I were her, I would have done things differently, but at the same time, because both of them don't are, I feel like both of them were wrong in the sense of walking on eggshells around each other. She says that I don't want to be friends. But then she never really qualifies that. I mean, she says that I just, we're just friends, but she never really qualifies that. And I say that because at the end of the day, friendship is, is platonic. She doesn't even say we're friends with benefits. You know, so she doesn't qualify this unique kind of friendship that is had, that is outside the realm of what we know to be friendship as it is defined. So in that way, she's in clear and that's not fair. It's murky and she doesn't seem to realize that because he spends the whole time agonizing over with his friends and they can't really make sense of it because it is a bit confusing where she'll kind of come up to him sometimes out of nowhere, give him a kiss or then kind of seem like, are we hooking up or, you know, what's going on? Which is stuff that, that feels more of relationshipy. And the other time she'll do things that are very much just a friend's thing. So she was making it murky. And because it's from his perspective, mainly you're also not only you're rooting for him. So I think it, they kind of put that misplaced hope in you as well as the same as, as he's going through the same misplaced hope that he's going through. So that's, I think also why it seems like she's being unfair or at times not cool murky and then you have to remember, oh, no, it's more, we're kind of getting it from his perspective where you want them to work out, you know. On his end, he's also not making himself clear about what he wants. And I think the reason is because of what the sister says, he's worried that if he does tell her what he wants, what she, what he wants from the relationship, then she may decide, okay, I'm going to end this. So it's, so she's afraid, I think he is afraid of the consequences of him, of being honest, because, you know, at the end of the day, given that she doesn't want a romantic relationship, if she, if he comes in and says, I want this, I want us to be a girlfriend and boyfriend. I want us to go, you know, heavy. He's, I think is worried that then it's going to stop, he might, she might put a stop to it when she realized, okay, there's a lot of at stake here. This person is hoping for this. I don't want to give him that. And so I'm going to stop. And so he obviously is enjoying this relationship that they have, whatever it is, both of them are enjoying this relationship, whatever it is that they have. So I think in that way, they kind of, who, whether she's wrong or he's wrong, I think it kind of balances itself out where in the end, because they're not doing these important things. Then they're both at fault for the relationship. There's no one, there's no villain, basically. Again, you assume people's thought processes like yours, because we want to believe that you can also understand people that you end up spending a lot of time with, and you want to be able to do that without communicating certain things. You feel like you just shouldn't have to get clarification on that. You should just be able to know. So when, when he says near the end, after she's gotten married, and he's, I'll never understand someone who says, don't believe in love, don't believe in fate or relationships, then you get married. But he was saying, well, why did you dance with me at our friend's wedding when this guy was already in your life? This guy, she ended up marrying at the end. She's like, I just want to do it. Yeah, he's, you know, because in his mind, that's just not something that would ever make sense to him. If you weren't romantically involved or, and he's like, you just do stuff, don't you? Just do what you want. Yeah. So he's still not really understanding her thought process, which is just different from his. That's all it is. I understood his frustration because obviously he's on the receiving end of this. But at the same time, I'm like, yeah, well, both of you are doing what you want, you know, at the end of the day. And that's what people do, isn't it? I do believe that Tom was in love with her. And I believe that Summer truly cared for Tom. And I think Tom made her happy, you know, and she would say, I like you. And I like that she did that, right? Because she was making sure not to, to say things like, I love you. Yeah, she never did. She never did. And I think with Summer, she is very honest with herself. I definitely believe that you can have an affinity for someone, a very, very deep one, and you could enjoy this person's company so much and love them platonically, truly. And I think that was the case with Summer. And you see that after the breakup, how much she longs for them to reconnect with friends. She says things like, I hope this means we can still be friends. Yeah. People look at that and like, oh no, you're putting, she's putting you in the friends zone, you know? People look at those kinds of things negatively, but it doesn't necessarily mean like, I don't know, obviously the conception of a friends zone is negative, is negative. But it's not really a negative thing for someone who wants to be in love with them. Yeah. And even then, I think we really kind of need to reconfigure our way of internalizing when someone says, can we just be friends? Because friendship is also very, very important. And those two people, I think they did have a very good friendship. Outside of the romantic relationship, they had a very good friendship. And Summer enjoyed that very much. Summer knows what she wants, right? And she knows that there's something missing that doesn't allow her to get to the point of feeling romantically towards Tom. She can't know what it, she doesn't necessarily know what it is. She can't actually name it, but that's just the reality. She just knows innately that this person does not complete me in the way that I need to. As much as the person fulfills me, and that's very possible. As much as I enjoy his company, I enjoy the intimacy, the physical intimacy. But I know that long term, this is not someone that I could completely, I could say that I'm gonna settle with as a romantic partner, you know? And I think that that's okay. I think that was going, what was going on with Summer. And I don't think that she's a bad person for that. Yeah. And you know, I think why the friend zone is seen as such a shameful need to avoid kind of situation I think is because what is the friend zone? Rejection for the one person. Rejection is one of the hardest things for people to deal with. Rejection, abandonment, the sense of fear of loneliness, I suppose. So that's, yeah. And also just the selfish aspect of wanting something, and the other person being like, no, not going to get to you. Yeah. The thing that you want. So that's why people just find it. But you're right, it also shouldn't be, it's, I think, a bit immature that people kind of have this, they want to put the shame on people like, oh, you got friendzoned, you know, you should feel bad. That's that then you make people want to do anything possible to avoid that, which is exactly. Yeah. It's interesting because, yeah, like Summer, oh my gosh, this whole movie, right? I'm like up and down, up and down with her. But in the end, I remember they meet at the park and she's like, I was hoping to see you here. Yeah. And she's like, it's one of my favorite places since you introduced me to it. And you can really tell that she misses him. Yeah. And cares about him. And I felt so bad because she was even afraid to approach him because she knows that this person is so angry with her. And, but she just wants his friendship. Yeah. That's a good point. I think the first time I did feel like she was more in the wrong. But if she was someone who was a, I feel like I want to say fly by night. I'm not sure if that's the, someone who's very whimsical will drop someone when it's not serving them anyway. You know that kind of thing that will just kind of use people in that way. But if she was like that, actually, she wouldn't then try, every time they bumped into each other on the train, she wanted to get coffee with them. And then at the end, which is great, where they're at the park, she also wouldn't be trying to reconnect with them and be like, are we cool? Because like, you know, I still, you're a good person. And you know, she wouldn't do that if she was just using him or whatever, right? Yeah. And sometimes it's hard to explain yourself to people. You know, like even if, with friendships, let's never mind a romantic relationships. Sometimes you meet people and they are so drawn to you. And you are maybe someone who's really good at interacting with different people from different walks of life. Maybe you're someone who's so good at tapping into people's emotions and people opening up to you. And they just, you just have this thing about you that's absolutely magnetizing. And that person that you're meeting and interacting with, they are so drawn to you and they feel like this communication was absolutely fantastic. They want to hang out with you forever. They want you guys to be friends, but you don't want to be because they weren't reciprocating. They weren't reciprocating because they aren't like you. So this person, in their mind, you had this fantastic, incredible interaction. But for you, you were just really working. You weren't really getting anything in return. But if you met someone who was exactly like you, then that, that meeting, that moment that you met, you'd feel like, oh my god, I want to interact with this person. And that happens a lot. Or like, you know, you have friends, you socialize with friends. It's just, but then realistically, you sit down and you realize, okay, at the end of the day, I think these are just my drinking buddies, my Friday night buddies. That's it. Because there's so many things about you that they don't know, that you don't share, that you don't feel comfortable to share with them. And so I think that's where that's how we should look at it when you're watching this movie. Because yeah, you can, you can be in a relationship with someone and maybe even love them, but not feel completely fulfilled by them, enough to say, I want to settle down with this, with you. And I think with Summer, she knew that for herself. She knew that, yes, she probably loved Tom and didn't want to say love, because then it would play into what his, his fantasy of what they could be. But and so that's why she was so hard-fast on, like, I like to make sure that he knows, like, this is not going to go anywhere. But I think that she loved him, but knew that it wasn't going to go anywhere. She couldn't settle around him in the way that she wants for herself. Yeah, like, well, she ultimately learns that, right? Because in the, before she meets the husband, she truly thought that no way, love does not exist. You know, and I think that most likely people have experienced that too. And it's, it's well done in that, uh, I think, I know for me, probably a lot of people have been in both positions. I've been in Tom's position a couple times where I thought, oh man, like, it just seems like, you know, we're the exact same person. And then you get these ideas of maybe this could be really great. It could be really, and they just totally think, oh yeah, that's cool that, you know, we both happen to know the same whatever. And it's just, it's nothing more than that. You think, oh, this is worth pursuing. This could be something really magical, you know, or this is one in a lifetime thing, or whatever. And then I've been on Summer's End too, where you were surprised when someone, you're like, oh, really? Because I was, I was, sorry, I do not think, you spend a lot of time thinking about that, that memory or that, that time we did the thing, because I haven't thought about it since. Yeah. So I've been on, been on both sides. Yeah, me too. So the human brain is, yeah. Yeah, I've also been on the side where I had a friend and she introduced me as her best friend. And I was taken aback when she said that. Honestly, I was like, I'm her best friend. This is how I gauge whether or not a relationship, platonic or otherwise, for me, can ever become a solid relationship that I want to last forever, to be honest, is that, whether or not I'm able to be myself with the person completely, if I find that I'm kind of restricting myself as I interact or holding back the kind of information that I'm sharing, censoring myself and a lot of things that I do, if I find that I'm doing that, then I'm not going to, then I know that this is not the right thing, the right relationship for me. Yeah, it's a hard people's emotions, people's feelings of saying, I don't think we're as close as you think we are. Yeah. That's always going to, you know, that's not hard to say to someone or to really, you know, without being able to be totally honest about it, taking emotions out of it, you can't really. Yeah. To be like, it seems like you need me more than, or vice versa, or like, you know, how do you see that? Because I see it this way. Yeah. That's tough for anybody to do. Yeah. Everybody deserves to service their own personal needs. Summer does, and sometimes it hurts people when you do do that. But at the same time, long-term, I think it would hurt both of them. Yeah. Thomas' agency, it's on him to realize that, again, his expectations were different. So it's not really on her. He can, he can get upset with her. He can, you know, feel like she's, she's in the wrong. She's a bad person. Look what she's doing to me. But that's not taking ownership of what he's doing to cause his pain. Exactly. Yeah. So no villains here. No villains. Just two people. A lot of times there aren't any villains. Yeah, there are no villains, just lessons. Just lessons. Honestly. Yeah. There are only villains if there are lessons left unlearned. Great movie. I know a lot to chew on. And yeah, let us know what you think. Yeah, what do you think? I think moral of the story for yourself. You know, if someone that you loved and you wanted them to love you in the same way that you love, that you love them doesn't give you the same back. Don't be upset with a person. Don't, don't villainize the person, especially when they're honest with you. It's okay. You can love and not be loved. It happens. You think you found the one and then you don't want to have to go back into the searching. That's what you got to do sometimes. And then you'll find someone that wants to be with you in the exact same way. Yeah. And that's, that'll be, that's, that's worth it. So that's about it. That's about it. Till next time. Bye. That's a wrap.