 have a feeling it's a girl maybe I'd like to have a daughter a little girl who's not just a part of me but who's been a part of me a little girl who if I look in her eyes I'll know she's happy or nervous or excited and I'd want her to be honest yes honest more honest than I've ever been able to be with my a ma I mean maybe I could have told a ma about me and Omar that I never stopped seeing him even though they told me not to and that for years I've been sneaking off to plant parenthood on my own sometimes I'd have birth control pills sometimes I've run out but Omar always promised he'd be careful and he was till the one time he wasn't but if I was honest with the ma maybe I wouldn't have to make this decision alone do I have this baby or do I close off this tiny door of life leave Omar and go off to college in the fall Bianca Emma snaps pulling me out of the storm in my head she frowns at me as we walk up to my Thea's door her usual disappointed stare why on earth does that dress fit you tight we just bought it it's true the dress we bought just months ago already looks like it's about to rip around my bust I grown at a ma I'm already not looking forward to the party my family's throwing for my high school graduation I'm not like a ma or pa who light up a room they walk who light up a room with their dynamic personalities I just want to be left alone alone in the corner with my cake my cousins do most of talking for me anyway besides I've had a dizzy puking feeling haunting me since yesterday as if reading me pockets in I'm a more dehala our Bianca does beautiful and it's her special day let's enjoy the party but I'm not has to have the last word we hope please we've been through this I've told her to lay off the sodas Paul smiles his buffer smile at me while I glare at a mouse back I don't know why she's always bugging me about my weight when is she ever been a size two we let ourselves into my Tia's house and crowd into the kitchen where Tia's and primas are snacking on chips pouring snow pouring sodas and greet everyone with kisses on the cheeks como estas felicidades here comes a graduate my Tia's grabbed me by the chin what a pretty face you have got a tambonita my tears can't just say I'm pretty because I'm chubby so of course I'm the niece with a pretty face off to college my Tia Julia gashes the first one in the family where you're gonna be Micha a doctor or lawyer I don't know yet I'm just a liberal studies major for now a little kid what does that mean it means she doesn't know what the hell she's gonna do yet a mob butts in it means she's got four years to waste our money while she figures out her life 10 bucks she'll be back after graduation waiting tables at Applebee's Julia glances awkwardly between us it doesn't matter what you do Micha all of us will be at that graduation in Los Angeles you hear thank you Tia why do I have to be the first one in the family to make everyone proud at the last party my Theo Jose who used to carve wood sculpture said I've always been good with my hands it must run in the family you know Micha you should be a surgeon and my Tia Martina said that no I should be a journalist because she once wrote an article for her school newspaper she thought was very good I don't want everyone to count on me to be what they never became I'm terrible under pressure and the queen of disappointment I untangle myself from the not of the us and younger primals playing cops and cholos shooting water guns at each other and go to my cousin's room inside Melly's on her bed rolling a joint and you send his breastfeeding max I try not to stare but damn it looks painful Bianca oh my god you should wear dresses all the time you look so pretty you son you says truth is Omar doesn't want me wearing dresses and makeup giving other guys reason to check me out in fact the only time he's ever let me let me make any major decision is now about the baby whatever you want to do Bianca he said in turn very quiet it was the first time I'd ever seen fear in his eyes so are you excited about college I guess are you and Omar gonna break up of course they're gonna break up Melly answers for me you think that boy's gonna wait around for her I mean no offense none taken I think of Omar my silent and stoic Omar Lord knows how someone as beautiful as him chose someone as ordinary as plain yogurt like me except that I was the only double D virgin at school and he knew I'd be loyal which I've been for the last three years and still am and there is stop loving him and there is stop being loyal it's just a mom made me fill out college applications and when actually got accepted some to Cal State LA the thought of leaving her sounded nice and well maybe a tiny part of me wanted to get out of here too I mean I love Omar he's my first everything but he never lets me do anything I pass up every high school party to wait by the phone Friday night for his calls I thought I'm missing much but at least I could say I did something so I could say I'll bet it sucked but no be a good girl Bianca everyone just wants me to be a good girl and follow rules Omar's rules Amaz rules everyone's but my own Melly finishes a joint she's rolling and tucks it in her bra I always go with her and take one tiny hit enough to make me feel like I just did ten jumping jacks but not enough to make my eyes red and close stink come on Bianca I shake the head no I'm okay you sure y'all right she says looking closer at me but she can't see me on the inside my gurgling tummy my swollen breast my head a mess over this decision I gotta make I want so badly to tell my cousins they both been in my place before but what if I have the abortion will they judge me the way I've judged them how can Melly give up her own daughter and why would you send a get herself pregnant just to keep her man I judge my cousins all the time but at the same time I wouldn't be doing what they never did have an abortion if I do get one what will they say about me you sure you're cool Melly tries again yeah I try my best to smile Amaz been weird and smelling my hair lately I spend the rest of the afternoon miserable as ever barely able to eat because my stomach so upset while you're saying it shows me a hundred different photos on her phone of Max that pretty much all look the same if I have the baby will I lose myself in my baby to become one with my daughter and forget that I ever had a different dream once or that I had sadness like yes I know or would I just turn bitter like a mom eventually it's time for cake everyone pushes me and Mauro in front of a big cake our frosted names under the huge congrats even though I'm not sure how I feel about sharing my day with a preschool graduate for a second all of us just stare at it there aren't any candles since it's not a birthday no singing not a manganita's moment felicidades the older Theo shout congratulations the younger cousins boom then Theo Jose raises the soda and says to the future doctor and the applause is contagious all of a sudden I catch a smell a bad one next to me Daniels pouring hot sauce on his macaroni salad I actually love the a Martina salad but today the eggs smell rotten drench in a creamy glob of male and are those pickles congratulations he shouts showing me his half chewed food my head starts spinning everyone's faces swirling together like tie-dye and my stomach boils like a volcano about to erupt and I suddenly have no control of my body turning inside out I push out of the crowd to the lawn as pukes shoots up my belly pulses in my throat fills up my mouth and cheeks but I can't I can't let it out not here not now everyone my parents my ideas my cousins will ask me are you drunk or pregnant I bite my lips down tight together and I swallow all of it back down get possible someone gasp she's choking quick the doctor needs a doctor I turn around everyone's eyes a blinking question I see him on pause concern faces yesenia melly with their raised eyebrows my tears all staring at me and the men drinking beer are you okay the question echoes and I smile I laugh yeah I accidentally swallow my gum and almost choked they buy it conversation start up again and little squares of cake are cut and passed around just as I'm about to blend back in the crowd I see a ma staring at me it's not her usual look of disapproval it's a look like she actually sees what's going on in my head and I'm so confused I am so alone I'm so mad at Omar who could only say whatever you want to do Bianca it's your choice that for just a second I let the shattered look I let her see the shattered look in my eyes of how terrified I am that my body is uncontrollably growing and growing and growing something else inside me melly hands me the piece of cake with my name on it and I break my gaze from a ma and snap out of my spell back to reality maybe a man I had some type of connection once when I was still part of her when she gave up her own dream let the city and move back home to have me but that was a long time ago and I've been nothing but a disappointment to her since so no she doesn't get my truth and she doesn't get to tell me what to do now this is my decision and I'm going to do what I choose and right now I'm going to eat my cake and gets it this disgusting taste of vomit out of my mouth thank you