 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Fay show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Fay show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he did it for the benefit of humanity. However, he didn't take into consideration that some day Phil Harris might use it, and almost cause a...but more about that later. First the word from RCA Victor. Your record playing will be easier with RCA Victor's new Victrola Automatic 45 Record Changer. Even a child can load and play this wonderful changer with one hand. And here's why. The RCA Victor Automatic Changer and 45 records were designed for each other. The center spindle is large, so records slip on fast without fumbling. All you do is load on your favorite 45 recordings and flick the switch. You can enjoy over an hour and a half of music on the new RCA Victor Extended Play Records without touching the changer again. RCA Victor's new 45 has the changing mechanism in the spindle, where it should be. It's the world's fastest automatic changer. You can enjoy the advantages of this simple, sure automatic system for as little as $16.75. Eastern list price for RCA Victor's 45 attachment, which can play through any radio phonograph or TV set. Or you can have it in a complete Victrola phonograph, or as a compact radio phonograph combination. Try all of the Victrola 45 phonographs at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. They have the world's easiest playing automatic record changers. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Fay and Phil Harris. For quite some time now, Alice has been after Phil to clean out the desk in the study. But like most men, he keeps putting it off. However, Alice has insisted that he do it today. And as we look in, she's helping him. Honey, why do I have to clean out this desk? I like it the way it is. How can you like it? It's the messiest desk I've ever seen. It hasn't been cleaned out since the day we were married. It's full of junk. It may be junk to you, but not to me. Everything in this desk means something to me. And it's not messy either. I know where everything is. For example, in this pigeonhole, I have a complete collection of imported and domestic champagne carts. And in this pigeonhole, I've got a stack of old paramutual tickets. And in this pigeonhole, I've got a pressed olive from my first martini. What have you got in this pigeonhole? Pigeons. I thought I'd add a no to gaiety to a boring task. I don't think you're kidding. Look, they've built a nest in that hole. No, that's not a nest. Those are blocks of hair that I collected from my former girlfriend. Are they all redheads? All you have here is red hair. No, that clump is all from the same girl. She used to be nuts about me. I saw quite a bit of her, and every time we went out on a date, she gave me a lock of her hair. I wonder what happened to old Mellonhead. Let's start by throwing away all these old papers, huh? Yeah, there's nothing here but bills and old letters and notes. Hey, Alice, what's this piece of paper with the phone number on it? Is there any name on it? No name, just a phone number, TE0480. Whose number is it? Well, how should I know? Well, it's in your handwriting, and it's written on a piece of your green stationery. Alice, what are you hiding from me? What makes you think I'm hiding something? This is a man's phone number if I ever saw it. I tell you, I don't... What do you mean it's a man's phone number? How can you tell? Because if it was a woman's phone number, it would be in my handwriting. I don't think I should have said that. Alice, don't you have any idea whose number this is? No, I don't. It may be a salesman or a new laundry or anything. Just forget it. Oh, I'm not gonna forget it. I gotta find out whose number this is, and there's only one way to find out. I'll call the number right now and see who answers. I wonder what she's keeping from me. I gotta find out or I ain't gonna be able to sleep tonight. T-E-O-4-8-O. This is the operator. What number are you calling, please? T-E-O-4-8-O. Who's calling, please? Phil Harris. Just a moment, sir. Myrtle, get the police quick. Some guy named Phil Harris is calling that gang leader's number. Gang leader? Police. Never mind operator. I got the wrong number. Forget about it. I got it. What would Alice be doing with a gang leader's phone number? Is she leading a double life? Well, Phil, did you call the number? Yes, I did. I called that number and I heard the operator say it's a gang leader's number. Now what would I be doing with a gang leader's number? That's what I want to know. I don't understand this. Phil, give me a little time and maybe I'll remember how I got it. Okay, okay. I'm going to sing a two-minute song and when I'm finished, you better have an answer. Don't let the stars get in your eyes. Don't let the moon break your heart. Love blooms at night. In daylight it dies. Don't let the stars get in your eyes. Don't keep your heart for me for some day. I'll return and you know you're the only one I'll ever love. Too many nights. Too many stars. Too many moons could change your minds. If I'm gone too long, don't forget where you belong. When the stars come out, remember you were mine. Don't let the stars get in your eyes. Don't let the moon break your heart. Love blooms at night. Don't let the stars get in your eyes. Don't keep your heart for me for some day. I'll return and you know you're the only one I'll ever love. Too many miles. Too many days. Too many nights to be alone. Oh, please keep your heart while we're apart. Don't linger in the moonlight when I'm gone. Don't let the stars get in your eyes. Don't let the moon break your heart. Don't keep your heart for me for some day. I'll return and you know you're the only one I'll ever love. I sing and couldn't have been that bad. Come in. You Phil Harris? Yeah. Did you make a phone call to this number, TE0480? Well, uh, yeah. You're under arrest. All right, Joe. Put the cuffs on him. Now, wait a minute. Take them city hall slave bracelets off of me. What am I under arrest for? This phone number belongs to notorious gang leader and if you call it, you must be one of the gang. Oh, officer, you're making a mistake. You don't want to arrest me. You want to arrest my wife. It's her number. All right, Joe, you keep an eye on this one. I'll go find his wife. How did you explain to the place that... Oh, no. They've got handcuffs on him. Lady, do you know anything about this phone number? Well, yes, but... That's all I want to know. Get another pair of handcuffs for her, Joe. Don't bother, Joe. She can have mine. Here, honey, be my guest. Just a minute, officer. What's this all about? We're trying to find a certain gang leader whose mob has been robbing banks all over town. What does he look like? It's not a man. It's a woman. She's a little old lady with gray hair. She walks with a limp. Well, you can see my wife ain't the one. She ain't got no limp. Go ahead. Walk for the man, honey. Get up now. I'm dead. Now, we know she's not the old lady, but if she's got this phone number, she might be one of the gang. Come on, Joe. Let's take her down to headquarters for questioning. Now, look, officer, I don't remember where I got the phone number and I don't know anything about an old lady gang leader. After all, officer, I'm Alice Faye. Alice Faye? Did you hear that, Joe? This is Alice Faye. Joe don't talk much, does he? Joe, take the handcuffs off this guy. I'm sorry, Miss Faye, we made a mistake. We won't bother you anymore. But if you happen to remember where you got that phone number, get in touch with us right away. And don't try to call that number again because we trace every call that's made to it. Don't worry. We'll never call that number again. Oh, by the way, keep this whole thing quiet. We're about to arrest this old lady. We don't want any leaks. We don't want any leaks. We're about to arrest this old lady. We don't want any leaks until we round up the rest of the gang. So long, folks. So long, officer. Goodbye, Joe. Nice fellow, that Joe. Wasn't much to look at, but nice. Oh, honey, do you realize we almost got arrested? Now, where did you get that phone number? I don't know, Phil. Let me see that piece of paper again. It's on my green stationery, all right, but wait a minute. This isn't my handwriting. It just looks like it. Well, honey, you've got to remember who gave you this phone number. Now, whoever it must be is working for this old lady. He's one of the gang, and when we find out who it is, it's our duty to turn him over to the police because you come in. You can't. Hi, Curly. Hello, Alice. Oh, hello, Elliot. Hey, Alice, did you find a phone number that I wrote on a piece of your green stationery? We're listening to Dragnet on the radio. Elliot, is this the number you're looking for? Yeah, that's it. I must have left it on your desk. Alice, do you think... Why not? With him, anything is possible. Elliot, now, I want to ask you something, and I want a straight answer. This phone number that you wrote down, did you ever call it before? Sure, I call it nearly every night. Every? Elliot, tell me. Whose phone number is this? My mother's. When you turn off that radio, it's making me jumpy. Every time I say something, da-da-dum-dum. What's going on here? Elliot, how long have you known your mother? Well, we first met in the hospital. What were you there for? I don't remember, but I was told I was being born at the time. What's the matter, Curly? Don't you feel well? No, not too well, not too well. Look, pal, I never met your mother. What does she look like? She's nice-looking, old lady with gray hair. Now I want you to think carefully about this one. Now, this is an important question. How does your mother walk? Like Charlie Chaplin. Mom gets a little hokey once in a while. What kind of question is that? Elliot, it's no time to be funny. Now, this is an important thing, and I gotta know. How does your mother walk? She puts one foot forward, then her other foot forward, and then her other foot forward. No wonder she limps. She's got three legs. How'd you know my mom limps? Oh, somebody told us. Elliot, Elliot, how does your mother make a living? What does she do with herself nights? Oh, various things. Some nights she plays basketball with the Phillips Oilers. She's the jump center. Other nights, she's the night watchman at the Republic Garbage Disposal Place. All right. Then one night a week, she drives an oil truck over the ridge route to Oakland. No hands. Stop giving us them stupid answers. And stop giving me them stupid questions. Now, this is an important question. How does your mother walk? Stop giving me them stupid answers. And stop giving me them stupid questions. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to call my mother. May I? Not on my phone. I like that. With all her money, she's too cheap to let me use her phone. Look, I'll pay you for it. I'll give you the nickel. It costs ten cents. But I'm still not going to let you use it. All right. Then I'll get down the corner drug store. Yeah, I think it's better that way. Now, look, Elliot, when you call your mother, don't talk too long. Hang up fast. What's the matter with you people? When you talk, you think the police were tapping my mother's phone because she was a crook. Oh, I've got to get out of this house. I'll see you later. Well, do you suppose there's a mistake someplace? The police don't make no mistakes. They know who the phone number belongs to and Elliot admits it's his mother. She fits the description. Well, obviously Elliot doesn't know anything about this. Phil, do you think we ought to call the police and turn her in? No, no, no, honey. I can't squeal on Elliot's little old mother. Well, then what are you going to do? I don't know. I've got to have time to think. Well, look, honey, would it help you to think better if I were to sing to you? No, but you're going to do it anyway, so go ahead. But don't sing too loud. It's liable to bring Joe and that other cop back. Oh, we've got a barrel of money Maybe we're ragged and funny But we'll travel along Singing a song side by side Don't know what's coming tomorrow Maybe it's trouble and sorrow But we'll travel the road Sharing our love side by side Through all kinds of weather What if the sky should fall Just as long as we're together It doesn't matter at all When they've all had their quarrels and parted We'll be the same as we started Just to travel along And singing a song we'll be side by side Side by side, side by side We'll keep on walking together And life will be a ball Let everyone, everyone join together Side by side, come on load Same as we started Think of anything, did you decide what to do? No, honey, I don't know what to do. I can't turn Elliot's mother in. Well, don't you think you ought to tell Elliot about it? How do you tell your best friend that his mother is a three-legged bank robber? Poor Elliot, I feel so bad for him. Don't you realize he's like a brother to me. It's going to be an awful blow when they arrest his mother. Oh, I guess I'm an old softy, but it's enough to make a man cry. Oh, Alex, I can't go in there and tell it. Now, what's wrong with the Tennessee Keer Jake today? Oh, Julius, I'm so unhappy. What's the matter, Camille? I ain't seen you cry like this and you're still exploded. I got a good reason to cry again. That was two years ago. I got a friend whose mother is... Mr. Harris, please, you gotta stop crying. I can't stand to see you cry. You can't? No, we're all in tears running down your wrinkles and make sure kisser look like a field irrigation ditch. Don't look like irrigation ditches. Blooded rice patties? Julius, please, I'm not in a mood for this. An awful thing happened today and I'm terribly worried about it. Well, don't brood about it. Be philosophical like little orphan Annie. After all, in every life, the little rain must fall. But remember, every cloud has a silver lining and soon the sun will come voice them through and shower you with its golden radiance. I didn't get that that was going to come bustin' me. Run that through once more. And don't shove it so hard. Just let it go through on its own, will you? Remember, every cloud has a silver lining and soon the sun will come voice them through and shower you with its golden radiance. All right, kid. All right. Should all sit here and fret, grab your coat, and get your hat, and eat your worries on the doorstep, just to lick your feet to the sunny side of the screen Will you shut up? It was little Julius Abruzio, contestant number seven. The applause meter showed absolutely nothing. Never mind. Never mind, Bill. What are we going to do about Elliott's mother? What about his mother? I've been trying to tell you, Harry. I just found out a shocking thing. Mr. Lewis' mother is the leader of a gang of bank robbers. Missed me that the mother of Mr. Lewis is a crook? Yeah. It figures. It does not figure. The poor old lady probably doesn't know what she's doing. Well, I'm sure she don't like to live a grocery store and she seems like a nice old lady. Then we got to help her. We got to go over and talk to her. You can count on me. I'm with you. Well, thanks, kid. It's nice to know that you has with me's. Bill, maybe you ought to talk to Elliott first. No, honey. I don't want him to know about this. We'll just go over and talk to his mother and try to make her see the light. Come on, mister! Phil and Judith have been gone for two hours. I wonder how they're doing with Elliott's mother. Maybe she shot them in their poor bodies of... Well, maybe that's Phil. Come in. Hi, Alice. Oh. Oh, it's you, Elliott. Where's Curly? Well, uh... Well, he... He went over to your mother's house. My mother's house? Mm-hmm. What for? Elliott, come here, dear. Hmm? There's something... Something you should know. And now that... Now that Phil isn't here, I'm gonna tell you. You see, Elliott... Say no more, darling. I've known for a long time that you love me madly. Huh? I've seen it in your eyes, and although it's bigger than the both of us, we must fight it. Elliott! No, don't touch me. You must try to forget me for Curly's sake. Go away someplace. Join the foreign legion. You may give me a farewell kiss on the hand. One finger at a time. And no nibbling. That's not what I'm trying to tell you. This is serious. Elliott, we just found out that your mother is a bank robber. Well, bully for none. She wasn't doing too well as a crooked jockey. Oh, no, Elliott. Elliott, stop joking. Then you stop making nasty cracks about my mother. She's a sweet old lady, and I ain't gonna let nobody call her a bank robber. Elliott, she only seems to be a sweet old lady. You see, Phil dialed that number you left here, and the police came over and told us it's the number of a notorious woman bank robber. My mother's number? Yes. T-E-O-4-8-O. T-E? Alice, you got the right number, but the wrong exchange. My mother's exchange isn't T-E. It's T-I. Is that show on all afternoon? Elliott, do you mean we dialed the wrong number? I could have sworn it was T-E. I always make my eyes like an E. Oh, this is awful. Your mother's not a bank robber, but Phil and Julius are over there talking to her as if she were. They're trying to make her go straight and keep her out of the hands of the police. Alice, this is the funniest thing I ever heard. I could just see Curly over there talking to my mother like she was a bank robber. Hey, Alice. Alice, we're... Oh, there you are. Look, we just went over and saw Elliott's mother and... Oh, Elliott, you're here. Yeah, Curly. Alice told me what you found out about my mother. How is machine gun Molly? Oh, she's safe now, Elliott. Julius and I took care of that. See, we figured the only way to keep her out of the hands of the police was to get her out of the country. Out of the country? Curly, you mean... Right now she's in the back of Julius' truck on her way to T-1. Well, we'll be back in just a moment. Whatever your home decorating scheme, there's a new RCA Victor television set designed to fit it perfectly. Because for 53, RCA Victor brings you television that's 42 ways handsomer, a choice of 42 different combinations, styles, and finishes. The greatest selection in RCA Victor history. You'll find many beautiful sets styled to complement modern or traditional furniture. A good example is the clean-cut handsome table model Curby, RCA Victor's lowest priced 21-inch television. But new RCA Victor TV brings you more than beauty. It brings you the new automatic magic monitor circuit system, new long-distance reception, and an improved deep-image picture tube. Yet prices still start as low as $199.95. Choose the perfect set for your home at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. And for expert installation and service, buy an RCA Victor factory service contract. Another reason why every year more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. This is Phil again. Folks, next week I'm making a personal appearance at the San Francisco automobile show from March 21st through March 29th. And we have a great show, including the sportsman quartet, Barbara Perry, the Stuart Morgan dancers, the Honey Brothers, and Walter Scharf and his 30-piece orchestra. And don't forget, that's March 21st through March 29th. And I hope that all of my friends in the Bay Area will drop in and say hello, and we'll promise you an hour of wonderful entertainment. And here's something else that'll be of interest to all of you people. On March 19th, the Motion Picture Academy Awards will be brought into your homes on NBC, radio, and television through the courtesy of RCA Victor. So don't forget to tune in to the Academy Awards on March 19th. Thanks and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribe were Paula Victor and Jack Prussian. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Hey, Curly, what's that record you've been carrying around all day? Oh, Elliot, I'm modest. I'd rather not say. Okay. Wait a minute. Since you insist, it just happens by mere chance to be my latest RCA Victor recording. On this 45-extended play record, I sing four of my grandest hits. The preacher and the bear. Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette. Is it true what they say about Dixie and... Okay, okay. Let me hear them. Not for free, not on your life. You can get my new RCA Victor 45-extended play record album with four big hits for only $1.40 at any record dealers. Next here, Theatre Guild on the Air over NBC.