 Brought to you by penguin Things my son needs to know about the world by Frederick Bachman read by sentino Fontana son This book is dedicated to your grandmother because she taught me to love words and to you For all those other reasons To my son. I want to apologize for everything. I'm gonna do over the next 18 or so years For everything. I'll miss everything. I won't understand all the notes about parent-teacher conferences You won't want to show me for all the times I'll embarrass you all the camps and field trips I'll volunteer myself to all the girlfriends or boyfriends You'll never want to bring home for dinner for doing my mom was wrong and dad was right dance around other people For that time when your school invites all the parents to a softball tournament and I take it a bit too seriously For calling your math teacher a frickin flathead for trying to high-five your friends For buying a minivan for wearing shorts For being late the first time you're invited to a real birthday party For being pissed when there are lines for the rides at the amusement park For calling the assistant in a skateboard shop man For not understanding that you would rather do gymnastics than play soccer For all the times I forget to lock the bathroom door. What is seen can't be unseen For the holidays the cowboy hat the real men weigh over 200 pounds t-shirt The speech at your high school graduation party For all the times I get a bit drunk and start telling the joke about the two Irish men in a boat again I really really want to apologize for all those things But when you're the most angry at me I want you to try to remember that to me You'll always be the tiny one-year-old boy standing naked in the hallway with a toothless grin and a cuddly lion clutched to your chest Whenever I'm difficult Whenever I'm embarrassing Unreasonable unfair. I want you to think back to that day That day when you refused to tell me Where the hell you had hidden my damn car keys? And I want you to remember that it was you who started it Your dad what you need to know about motion sensitive bathroom lights so I'm the one who's your dad. I know you've started to understand that now Up until now you've really just sailed through life and let the rest of us do all the hard work But as far as I've been told you're now one and a half and that's the age when you can start learning things tricks That kind of stuff. I'm very positive about that. Let me tell you right now Because I want you to understand that this whole parenthood thing isn't as easy as it looks There's a hell of a lot to keep track of diaper bags car seats nursery rhymes extra socks poop Above all poop There's a lot of poop to keep track of it's nothing personal You can ask any parent with small children that whole first year geez your entire life revolves around poop The presence of poop the absence of poop the discovery of poop the aromatic sensation of poop the waiting for poop Seriously, I can't express how much of your life will be spent waiting for poop once you have children Shall we go? Okay, has it happened yet? Huh? What did you say it hasn't damn it? Okay, okay, okay stay calm No need to panic. What time is it should we wait for it or do we go now and help we make it there before it? Let's risk it Okay, not okay. What if it happens on the way? You're right. Okay quiet so I can think okay But what if we wait here and then nothing happens then what do we do risk it and go anyway? And then if it happens on the way and we're like goddamn son of a bike if we'd just left straight away instead of Arguing about it. We would have made it there before the poop You get it That's what it's like all the time once you've reproduced your entire life revolves around the logistics of poop You start having discussions about it with strangers all matter of factly the consistency the color Sample complete ready to continue