 Narcissists use you to regulate their emotions. They use you to control how they feel about themselves. Narcissists are disconnected from their emotions. They don't feel their emotions from within themselves. They feel them as though they are coming from something outside of them. They cannot feel their own feelings. So they project them onto the people around them. They do this to survive emotionally. They cannot survive unless their false self is supported. Their false self must be supported by the people around them. People have to believe and validate their false self. The narcissist abandoned their true self because they believed that it was faulty or defective. They created their false self which is supposed to be perfect. When they experience anger, guilt, fear, shame, vulnerability or selfishness these feelings and qualities are not in agreement with their false image. So they have to project them onto you. However they feel about themselves is how they have to make you feel. Because they cannot own these feelings and qualities that are not in agreement with this false image that they have created. It just becomes a reminder to them that they are not perfect and that their false image isn't real. The narcissist has to believe that they are perfect because the truth is too painful for them to deal with. Although the emotions they feel are just a part of life. And not something that should be suppressed or denied. But the narcissist refuses to let themselves be imperfect. They cannot accept that they make faults or mistakes. They cannot accept that they have flaws or imperfections. They hold themselves to a standard of perfection that they have created in their own minds. And because of this they are incapable of seeing or acknowledging how flawed and imperfect they really are. When the narcissist does something wrong they are fully aware of what they are doing and they may feel guilt or shame. They may feel as though they are a bad person but they cannot accept that as it would mean that they are not perfect. So instead they will accuse you of being a bad person or of doing something wrong even if you haven't done anything. And this may confuse you or make you look at yourself and wonder if you have done something wrong. When really the narcissist is experiencing cognitive dissonance, too conflicting beliefs whether they are starting to question if they are perfect. They are starting to question the authenticity and validity of their false self but the narcissist's emotional survival is dependent on their false self. So to resolve the cognitive dissonance they have to use you to regulate their emotions. Sometimes the narcissist gets angry but they view anger as something that makes them imperfect. Something that is not desirable and that is why no matter how calm or peaceful you may be they will continue to push and provoke you until you finally react. When you react that is when they are able to regulate their emotions. When the narcissist is angry they are fully aware that they are dealing with a situation in the wrong way. They are fully aware that what they are doing is not right but it is not in agreement with a false image that they have created. So they need you to express their feelings. They need to push and provoke you to feel the anger that they feel and that is why they don't stop fighting with you until you finally react. You can try to deal with a situation in a mature and responsible way but they are not going to calm down until you express the emotions that they feel. It is only when you get angry that they will then begin to calm down because you are then taking on their emotions which then resolves the cognitive dissonance of their false image being imperfect. They have transferred their undesirable feelings and qualities onto you and when they see you displaying it for them it tells them that they know the problem. It tells them that you are the one who possesses the undesirable feelings or qualities. That is what is going on in their minds and you can see evidence of this when they provoke you to react they will then point the finger at you and say that you are the problem. They could have been arguing with you for hour after hour but then when you finally react for even a second suddenly you're a bad person. It can be very confusing. It's like they can do whatever they want and still be good people but if you even slip up once after being endlessly provoked now you're the bad person. It's cruel and unfair but this is how narcissists have to see you to protect their false image to protect this distorted view of how they feel about themselves. The narcissists will project their emotions onto you and they will gas like you they will get you to doubt your own memory, perception and sanity until you no longer know what is right or wrong you no longer know what is acceptable you lose the ability to understand what is healthy or functional behaviour they deny your reality they make accusations about you they make you feel as though you don't even know who you are as though they know you better than you know yourself you need to stop the narcissists from using you to regulate their emotions you need to stop them from dumping their undesirable feelings and qualities onto you observe, don't absorb respond but don't react don't expect them to see your point of view don't waste your time explaining you can use logic and reasoning but the narcissist is not going to take any interest in what you are saying they're not concerned with the truth they will do everything they can to avoid reflecting on the truth and reality of the situation because they have to see themselves as being perfect they have to protect their distorted view of themselves in their mind to see the you of them and they don't want to see themselves as being floral and perfect so it's good to have to be you you are good to have to be seen as the problem in this situation it's the only way that they can save themselves the narcissist is not going to cure the truth all they want is someone to regulate their emotions someone to make them feel better about themselves when you try to get them to see your point of view when you try to explain to them it's only going to cause more drama and they are only going to use the opportunity to dump their feelings and qualities onto you validate your own reality they might project their feelings and qualities onto you they might tell you that you're the problem they might tell you that you're a bad person but rather than defending yourself and trying to prove your reality to someone who refuses to see it you can tell them that they are entitled to their view of the situation but you choose to see it differently they want to suck you into another argument so that they can exchange their feelings and qualities with you but instead of doing that you can just identify that they have their perspective and you have yours you do not have to allow their perspective to be your perspective take the focus of the narcissist and put it back in yourself after going through narcissistic abuse you may feel like it is selfish to think of yourself you have been trained to never think of yourself but you need to know who you are you need to know your own feelings you need to know what you value and believe rather than the narcissist dictating to you who you are and how you feel if you don't know who you are it will be much easier for them to mould you into whoever they want you to be and then you will begin to look at yourself in the way that they see you which is never going to be anything good as they need you to regulate their emotions the narcissist sees you as a negative extension of themselves as the carrier of everything they hate in themselves when they feel bad they have to make you feel bad so that they can feel better thank you for watching I hope this video raised it with you please like, comment, share and subscribe click the bell icon to receive notifications for my future videos if you are likely to donate my PayPal link is in the video description coaching enquiries you can email me at narcofocochin.com thank you for watching and I'll talk to you soon