 I get asked a lot about student samples. Can you show me a student sample? Can you show me an amazing one? And while I can, a lot of times students are kind of seeing the back end of a ton of work, right? It's like an iceberg. They're only seeing the kind of top half that you see or top kind of little nugget that you see above the water and you don't see all the work that came below it. So I'm weary of showing or sharing personal statement on samples without context without the work. So stick around and we're going to kind of talk through some context while I share some samples. Thank you for joining me on my channel for the best personal statement coaching. Definitely subscribe and hit the bell. My name is Dr. Josie with Write Your Acceptance. After teaching at the university level, college writing, political science, writing, technical writing in the writing centers and working with so many students on personal statements, it is my privilege to share this information until with you. So definitely stick around and let's get to it. Honestly, I'm lucky to work with so many students every cycle. And so at this point I've seen a few kind of types of samples, especially at the kind of rough cut beginning version of the personal statement. And so it is something that I tell my students all the time. Definitely you want to come back to this and come back to this. This is not something you want to just kind of like, you know, hammer out at the end and think that the first version is going to be that final version. I hope it's not. So definitely give yourself time. But I've seen these kind of different types that I want to go through because I want to share the evolution of some of these so that then you can start thinking about how to adequately adapt it to your personal statement. So type one is answering why I want to go into medicine. And I know this makes no sense. That is the actual prompt. But students actually answer the question in a very intellectual kind of telling way. I want to become a physician because I am good with people because I care about my community because since all of these telling phrases, I am this, I kind of, you know, value that. But it doesn't show me that it doesn't show me moments where you kind of show yourself in action showing the values and traits that you kind of prioritize and hold so dear that you think have been central to your journey to medicine. And so a lot of students kind of start writing the essay as if they're just kind of talking about telling me about why they want to be a doctor and I want them to show me in key moments and then reflect on the images and analyze so that we can kind of share with the reader how that experience or experiences have been kind of formative in their journey. So here's an example. For me, medicine is the only path I have wanted to become a doctor since I can remember and focus my undergraduate career on excelling in my courses, assuming leadership roles with numerous student organizations and volunteering in my community. My experiences shadowing a primary physician and a dermatologist have taught me the importance of individualized patient care since every patient's needs are different. However, volunteering at a mobile medical clinic after the hurricane helped me realize how truly committed I am to the field. So basically the student shared everything they wanted to share in this one short paragraph and it's because they only kind of focused on telling me what they kind of, you know, it's like this speed, speed round tour of a house or a campus, right? So it's like, and then this was, and this, and this, and this, but they don't really kind of pause there and let us sit with the moment and the experience and why it was so formative in their journey to medicine. So this type is the kind of rush telling version, right? And so you want to kind of slow it down. And in this, basically, I, when I started working with this student, I was like, okay, so you know what your entire essay is going to be on basically because you have all of the content that you can possibly and maybe even more in this one paragraph. And then we went from there. So how do you start fleshing this out developing these kind of pointers? You want to have these kind of storytelling moments. This is in creative writing piece, but you want to have creative elements. So you want to have a camera over your shoulder moments and it's just a few sentences just enough to get us into the moment so that we can have some sensorial description, right? See, hear, touch, taste, whenever appropriate moments. That's that raw data, the raw information that puts us in the scene in action with you or watching you in action. And then we can reflect on why this mobile health clinic after the hurricane was such a kind of foundational moment in your journey. So what was it about talking to 54 year old Sylvia? Or what was it about 72 year old Frank who really kind of helped clarify your position in medicine, your place aspirationally in medicine? So how do you doctor this essay? First, we're finding redundancies and potential for stories. And so I will show this with you. The blue is redundant, but would be better told with a quick anecdote, right? Of their first memory of wanting to become a doctor or scrapped this altogether. The green that is highlighted is also a throwaway sentence in that you do not want to narrate your resume or transcript. That's another, I think, maybe a whole other video we'll talk about. But yeah, you want to capture moments in your personal statement that aren't in other aspects of your candidacy, right? So if I can see it in your transcript, I don't need it in your personal statement. If I can kind of, you know, see it rough cut in your resume, I don't really need this here. I need the more kind of personal moments in your journey captured here. And so the green is a throwaway sentence, right? This definitely has potential because the purple I would say is interesting, but I would love to see it as an example, right? And so the next step right now, I would say stop writing and start brainstorming examples and stories and anecdotes that you can kind of fill in so that I can start seeing you in action. And the gray again has great potential, but I want to see it. Show me a moment where you are in action, right? Running triage, taking vitals, hide and wait, where you are connecting with a patient. So kind of that has a ton of potential. And it could be a paragraph long, but I need the content of kind of an example story. And then I would say from once you decide on the stories you're going to capitalize on, you want to reflect on what they taught you. Ideally, each kind of story is a different notch in your journey to medicine, right? And so then they all have a slightly different lesson that complements or builds your kind of persona within your journey, right? That that is kind of teaching you different dimensions of the field and different dimensions of who you are and how you see yourself within medicine. So you want to kind of not only have stories and very, very short and brief, just enough, right? But then you also want to reflect on, give your insight into your journey to medicine. So give your perspective and that's going to be most kind of compelling. So now number two is really thinking about the type of structure that a body paragraph should have. So great. Now you know what stories you want to tell. Now you know the difference between showing and telling. And so how do I structure those body paragraphs where I'm kind of dedicating a story? So let's look at a kind of rough cut and well, I would do what the student did basically. Okay. So here we go. I decided to pursue a career in medicine when I walked into the OR at Northwestern Memorial. Approaching the 76-year-old patient, I held her hand as the anesthesiologist prepped her for surgery. Before she succumbed to the mask, the woman gripped me closer. Estaré contigo. I assured her I would be by her side the entire procedure. So the gray is the kind of an okay topic sentence I would try and not all of them, but I would try and kind of gesture to the lesson that you are going to then kind of wrap up or talk about, reflect upon toward the end of the paragraph. So that may be something that can kind of really ground the purpose of this paragraph. So something like walking into the OR at Northwestern Memorial, I never expected to sidestep the scalpel for an emotional exchange with the patient. Right away, I took off kind of, for me, unnecessary words. I decided to pursue a career medicine when I walked into, right? I decided to pursue a career medicine, a ton of words. And you're going to say that in different places at different times, right? So maybe not the necessary moment here in a body paragraph. So I go straight into the action, walking into the OR Northwestern Memorial, right? And so then the second half, it doesn't say I learned the lesson up, it could, but I wouldn't do that for everybody paragraph. So I wanted to show you kind of what I would say is a creatively harder or more challenging topic sentence, just because it give it gestures to a lesson that then you can talk about later, but through images, right? I never expected to sidestep the scalpel for an emotional exchange. So like this person is going to be completely in awe at the fact that they're in the OR, but they were more in tune with the patient's kind of emotional weight and toll than the kind of mesmerizing newness of the experience, right? That is kind of strategically why I think maybe adding a little bit more would be interesting. So the green is your story, right? And look how brief it is. I don't think it really needs a lot more. I like that the student brought in kind of a snippet of Spanish. If you do speak multiple languages, whatever that is, this is a nice way of kind of saying I am diverse without saying I'm diverse, right? Or if you have taken a couple of professionals of Spanish, right? Kind of within the medical context, even if your Spanish is rough, even, you know, if your French is rough, whatever other language, if you've been able to kind of use that tool to connect with a patient to put someone at ease, it's a very interesting way of showing kind of your comprehension of your competency, not just say that, right? And what I would do, what I would consider is not directly translating it right after, but just contextually translating it. So the next line really says what the Spanish phrases say. So in case the, you know, AdCom reader does not speak that language, they won't miss a beat, right? So that's something of interest. And so then ultimately, I think that what's missing in this paragraph is that reflection. So why was this moment so interesting, so valuable? What did you learn about yourself? What insight did you gain into the field of medicine? So give me that kind of reflection toward the end that really kind of tells me why this is such an important foundational moment in your experience, in your journey. So this is from a previous student and so to give you kind of some context, what they did, when they start with the reflection, they talk about how their connection actually forged not in the OR, but before when she was taking, when the student was starting to help take their intake, intake information. So they go into how they really made a point to, to help the mother and daughter, the mom is the one that is the patient feel at ease with kind of their overwhelming situation. And so they connected from where they like the respective home countries. And then they had this kind of wonderful connection that then allowed her to be by her side and offer some comfort just moments before the operation. And yeah, and ultimately what that taught you. So I would end with a line or two about why this has been valuable to you. If it's something that is, you know, part of your journey. Thank you so much for watching. I have a free 15 minute strategy call. If you are writing your personal statement or starting to write your personal statement and want to chat with me and chat details on how I work with students, how I can help you strategize your essay, all that good stuff. So it is in the description below, but it's also on my channel banner if you want to grab it there. If you found this helpful, give us a like and share with your pre-med friends. Thanks so much for watching. Come back. Thanks. Bye.