 Hey Abbott what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show The Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood But you're listening in laughing pleasure with chuckles with a carload and music by Matty Malek So hold on to your chairs folks for here. They are but Abbott and Lou Costello Being in here singing. I'm gonna sing on a program tonight. What do you know about music? He wouldn't always from a soprano. Is that so you wouldn't see me sliding in a second soprano And besides the new girl wants me to sing on the program. You've got a new girl Yes, every night she knocks on my door throws her arms around me hugs and kisses me and calls me Gregory Peck She called you Gregory Peck Gregory Peck. Why don't you tell her you're not Gregory Peck silly boy What does this girl do Lou? She's a striptease dancer at the Berla show. I wait for her every night outside the stage door Does she meet you? No, but she waves to me from the patrol wagon as it goes by I used to change girls like you and I never got anywhere and one day I decided Life wasn't worth living. I try to shoot myself And somebody stopped me. I try to hang myself and somebody stopped me too bad I try to drown myself and somebody stopped me. Some people never know when the minor owned business Well, I have to say to you Costello is adios Adios. Yes, that's goodbye and spending well Los Angeles traffic, Los Angeles traffic. That's goodbye in any language Hey, wait a minute boys. Here's a serious looking fellow trying to get a word in edgewise Let's see what he has to say the man at distinction by the Boy Scouts of America And my picture is going to be in all the magazines want picture. There it is It's a picture of me leaning up against my scalp master drinking a glass of buttermilk You must be pretty popular with your boy scout true. Yes, sir. I'm the only boy scout in California That's got a hot rod. Yeah, you don't even know what a hot rod is. Oh, yes I do a hot rod is a gelop it. It smokes Mexican cigarettes You running around with a bunch of kids at your age there must be something wrong with you What's the matter with you anyway? Can't figure it out Abbot. I sleep good at night I sleep good in the morning, but during the day. I just seem to twist and turn I want to nobody was associated with you. You haven't got a friend in the world. How can you say that? I'm the most popular guy in my hometown Every one of the 300,000 people in Paterson, New Jersey. Love me. Wait a minute castella 300,000 Paterson only has 140,000 people. When were you there last two years ago? Well people have children, you know Please talk sense. What's that roll of paper you've got in your pocket? That's my Christmas shopping list and you're right on the top. Oh say that's that's wonderful What are you going to get me Lou? I'll get you a handful of nickels and dimes and put them in your mouth What do you want to give me a handful of nickels and dimes to put my mouth? I'd like to hear some change in your conversation Never mind who else is on your list? Well, if my uncle Mike, I don't know what to get him last year I got him a smoking jacket. Did he like it? Oh, sure. Christmas morning. He stuffed it into his pipe Didn't it burn? Yeah, but not as good as tobacco I think I'll get my Aunt May one of those old man river girdles. What's an old man river girdle? It helps you tote that barge and lift that veil I'll either get that or I'll get a book of volume by old Henry. Oh volume? Yeah Oh Henry only wrote short stories How much can you write on a on a wrapper off a candy bar? Well, what is uncle Mike going to get Aunt May Lou? I don't know last year He gave her a fur piece. He shot it under the house Had a white stripe down its back. That was a skunk. Huh? That was a skunk. Why did uncle Mike shoot it? Every shot of he asked himself the same question Wait a minute now after all skunk is pretty expensive your uncle Mike had to buy it He would have to sell his house to pay for it. After he shot it. He had to sell the house anyway My wife my wife was a big cold for Christmas, but mink skins cost $40 a piece Why don't you just buy her one skin and and a sock stretcher? Let's tell her this is that's ridiculous. My wife is one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood Every time I look at her she reminds me of Jane Russell. Me too. Really? What makes her remind you of Jane Russell? She's got leagues like Bob Waterfield My wife puts on an evening gown. She looks like she was poured in it. You're right Abbott she looks like she was poured in it and forgot to say when Is that so? My wife is a picture star a few years ago, you know Her last picture was the great forest fire. She was the siren. I saw that picture. She nearly fell off the truck three times Got to tell her my wife is one of the most popular girls in this town Why I only want her on account of my great romantic ability. You've got romantic ability Slightly when I put my arms around a girl and kiss her her eyes closed and she faints that away Abbott I used to be able to do the same thing on a lately garlic doesn't agree with me I tell me castella, how's your romance coming with that rich girl from Pasadena? Ah, she wasn't serious Abbott. I found out it was nothing but puppy love on her part When did she break the engagement? When she found out I wasn't a puppy All right, you should you should have you should have hung on to her castella her family were very wealthy Their home has 20 bathrooms Their home has 20 bathrooms. That's right. No wonder they call them the filthy rich You know, she was a nice girl Abbott, but there was only one thing wrong with her She had a million dollar smile. Well, what's wrong with that? She'd only smile at guys that had a million dollars Well, now that you've broken off with her, why don't you make a play for my younger sister babe Your sister babe don't tell me she's out here in california now sure She's always wanted to come out here to to the west where men are men and women are women Yes, out here in the west where men are men and women are women and now your sister babe has to come out here and confuse the whole thing Castella my sister babe may be fat, but remember she's a slick chick She's slick. All right the last time I had a date with her I've been over to kiss her good night and her hair slid off Are you trying to insinuate that my sister babe is bald? I wouldn't say that Abbott She's got one of those new sunny tough hairdos sunny tough hairdos. Yeah, it's sunny down the middle and there's a tough funny side Stella now it's Abbott's nephew folks now. What do you want Norman? Well, I'm on the committee for the Rose Bowl parade and we want you to ride on one of those big rose covered floats on New Year's Day Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah, but I've got to tell you something There's one restriction. You can't tell any of the jokes you're telling radio while you're riding on the float And why not we want the people to smell the roses That did it I can't stand this any longer every week the same thing now wait a minute and he gets money for it. What are you going to do? Huh, what are you gonna do? What am I gonna do? Norman this studio wasn't big enough for the two of us now here You take this gun and I'll take this gun and we'll shoot at each other until one of us is dead Okay, you want to bet a quarter I win better court what for I just thought you might want to make it exciting Why don't you go over to the Raleigh cigarette program and have your head moisturized Now get out of here Yeah, how did you get that guy a job to keep him out of here? He just comes in here for laughs. He's got a job. He's a salesman. Are you kidding? That guy couldn't sell anything right now. He's working the drugstore and they're having a one-cent sale. What you selling pennies pennies Oh Kokomonga 32 Pomona 31 San Fernando above 32 Riverside 28 Wait a minute. Costella. What are you doing? I figured as long as they ain't getting any less I just might as well read the frost warnings Ah, that's not that's not it didn't take After all Costella, this is Christmas time. Don't you feel the spirit of Christmas? Yes, I guess you're right. But I feel like helping everybody I've got nothing but good in my heart See that old man over there the one with the beard and the patches on his pants. I'll show you I got the spirit of Christmas. I'm going over there and help that old man out. That's the spirit Costella. Hi, buddy Could I talk you for a minute? Oh? Well, I I I don't want to be forward and this being Christmas, you know, I'm lucas tell the actor I thought that maybe you did Sort of well, here's a dime get lost That's the paul of 32 ventura 29 Hello, boys. Hey, look Costella is our secretary. Villavan All right, I called you last night villa and you weren't home No, I was over at Costella's house practicing love scenes with him You were practicing love scenes with Costella. Uh-huh. He's so he's so short He doesn't even come up to your shoulders. How can he how can you make love to you? Well, I stand him on a box put my arms around him tight Kick the box out from under him and I've gone in track Oh, hi 29 La hala 31 Well, I'll leave you to cheerio so long pip pip and heli lamar Pip pip Yeah, that's three pips Where you going Costella? I gotta go home now. I'll take care of my brother pat You know, he's in that awkward age, you know awkward age He's too young to leave home alone and too old to trust with babysitters Oh, why waste your time with your brother pat? Why don't you take Viola to the movie? Oh, no, I'm not going to go to the movies with Costello after what happened the last time What happened? Viola and I were holding hands Well, we had to let go because we were tripping too many people. You were tripping people Yeah, she was sitting across the aisle from me Uh, now do you see why I won't go to the movies with him? You don't have to go with me Viola. I can get plenty of girls only tonight coming down here and Sharon says hi Lou When did you ever meet and Sharon? I've seen her so many times on a screen. She thinks she knows me Are you kidding? You don't you don't know anybody in pictures. I don't know. Here comes Alan Ladd. I'll show you who my pals are Hi, Alan. Hi, Mac Mac Mac I thought it was your pal. Ah, he's why didn't call you Mac. He's a little nearsighted. He thought I was Fred McMurray Costello and remember if you want to you can come over to my house tonight Oh, yeah, Costello. That was nice of Viola to invite you over for dinner Yes, but I ain't gonna go to her house anymore for dinner. She's too wishy-washy wishy-washy Yes, every time we get through with dinner. She always says I wishy you'd watchy that this is It's time to change the subject for just about 60 seconds Gentlemen, here's our new singer. Howe winters. Let's give howe a nice big hand. Nice big hand for howe winters I think of you And darling, I think of you Day in and day off. I needn't tell you how my day begins When I awake I awaken with a tangle one possibility and you That possibility of me I meet you and to me the day is far Ocean's wrong somebody drink water now before I eat and I don't like it Why not I've been drinking for 20 minutes if I take another swallow up bust My cousin my cousin. He's a doctor. Dr. Vincent Varelo Is he a good doctor? Good. He's the greatest doctor in cuckamonga the most skillful doctor in cuckamonga There's no better doctor in cuckamonga. What makes you so sure. He's the only doctor in cuckamonga Yeah, I mean, why do you go all the way to cuckamonga? There's a doctor right in your block Yeah, but he's a baby doctor. I ain't got no confidence in him. Why not very few babies make good doctors Forget about it. Have you heard any more from our sponsors about how they like our your sam shovel detective stories? Indeed, I have here's a letter from one of them that came this morning I'll read it dear little custodial since I heard you were going to continue your sam shovel detective series I have decided to take the old picture off our bottles and replace it with your picture For as long as you do your sam shovel series every bottle of our product will have your picture on the label What product do they make iodine? I thought so what is your sam shovel detective mystery for the night? One of my minor cases have it. I call it the case of the babysitter who was fired because he neglected his work Or it was time for a change Well, let's get on with the case Makers of pismo coco the coco that won't keep you awake unless you drink it Present your favorite radio mystery sam shovel private detective But first a word about our product friends When you drink coco before you go to bed do you toss and turn try a cup of pismo coco tonight No more tossing no more turning you'll just lie there dead Pismo coco comes in the regular style for those who make it in a pot It also comes vacuum packed for those who make it in a vacuum cleaner Drink pismo coco and know know when you drink pismo coco. What a good cup tastes like They compared to the coco the cup will taste wonderful And now let's listen to what people all over the country are saying about pismo coco. That's coco. That's coco That's coco. That's coco overseas. They served it to the jacks Coco brings you the further adventures of sam shovel private detective. Yes. I'm sam shovel sam shovel private detective I've had a tough day. I'm sitting here in my little office dosing. I'm sleepy Suddenly I see a dunhill a k woody a corn cob a briar I'm having pipe dreams The telephone company was here this morning and put in a phone. I look at my new phone number elephant 6 6 8 8 Hmm must be on a trunk line I just finished listening to my favorite radio giveaway show It's the only real giveaway show in the air If you guessed the answer they give away the show I see the mailman shadow on the window in my office door. He's bringing my mail He delivers the mail the hard way The hard way he crawls through the mail slot and drags the mail in after him I noticed my new map has arrived in the mail It's got the boundaries of all the states marked on it. I studied the map There's the ohio state line. There's the indiana line There's you all That must be the mason dixon line I love the south I'll never forget how I trail shot gun jake through the south He thought he was a smart guy, but I fixed his wagon I grabbed him in a land and fixed his wagon and chattanooga. I fixed his wagon in birmingham. I fixed his wagon I made a lot of money on a case He gave me five dollars every time I fixed his wagon Here's a letter from a crook in switzerland Asian prison at the yodel yodel That's swiss for sing-sing I decided to read the rest of my mail Here's a letter. I don't understand Dear sam shovel We're sick of you button in our business If the virilla gang don't kill you will kill you Sign the merry gang P.S. If you're already dead, please disregard this note That sounds like a threatening letter. I better make sure i'm on I open the drawer of my desk to check on my gun It's a colt Here's a postcard for my bookmaker. He wants me to send him a dollar for a football pool I don't think i'll do it It's a waste of time building a pool for a football It's about time for my pal lutz and an avid at the homicide squad to show up avid is a fine cop avid the chief wants to put him on the headquarter squad No wonder avid is the only cop on a force that's got a head the size of a quarter I've hung out with lieutenant avid so much. We've become known as sidekicks. It's not because we're so friendly It's just that every time we meet we kick each other on the side Suddenly I hear footsteps outside my door Hello sam shovel glad you shut up lieutenant avid. How about paying me to fight? I'll let you owe me April showers They come my way Every time I ask for money. He gives me a song and dance Have you been lieutenant avid? I just arrested a guy for changing a tire. You can't arrest a man for changing a tire from my car to his Lieutenant avid also changed it you from my punchline to his punchline Sam this office is filthy. Why don't you get some cleaning equipment clean up the dirt? I've got plenty of cleaning equipment. I got vacuum cleaners mops brooms and scrubbing brushes Why don't you use them? Can't find them. They're under the dirt We are at a space for the detective business What an office it's ankle deep in dirt Why don't you open the window? The only window in the place is in my kitchen. It well open it What let the sun come in and kill my mushroom bed? As I said this I heard a creepy sound in a hole outside. I turn and look Lieutenant avid nice and quick somebody's coming hide behind that marvel slob a slab. Sam Sam you were right There's someone at the door the door slowly opens Get it open while I'm still young enough to read the next line Standing in the doorway was the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen. She spoke Oh, Monsieur Sam Chauvel. I have here that you are a great detective, no? That I am. I look at this lovely creature. She was wearing a low cut evening gown Sam Chauvel, will you help me out? Lady, don't you think you're out far enough already? Sam Chauvel, who is your so charming friend? This is lieutenant avid of the homicide squad Ah, the famous brave lieutenant avid. Lieutenant, I am in great danger. You can help me, n'est-ce pas? May we, maemzelle? Oh, I don't think I could do that I couldn't do that I couldn't do that. What's she saying avid? Maybe I could Chauvel, you are so brave. The terrible Count Boris is after me. Tell me, what would you do if you were in my shoes? I'd probably fall flat on my push Countess, you shouldn't drag Sam Chauvel into this case. Here we go again. Count Boris is a vicious man. He might kill Sam besides you have no money to pay the fee Oh, it is true. I have no money, but Sam, I can pay you with kisses. Kisses are not legal tender They may not be legal, but I'll bet they're tender Sam, you are so wonderful. I'm going to give you a kiss that will melt your heart Sam Sam, say something Does anybody want to buy 10 cents worth of liquid hot? He's looking for me. He's always seeking me. For five years I've been hiding from him. Quick, Sam Where can I hide? Here, hide under the desk. I've been looking for her for five years. Jessica, come out, Countess Borden. I have found you and you know what that means What are you going to do to her Count Boris? Nothing, only now it's my turn to hide. She's got to find me Get him out of here, will you? That is usually, but before I go, we'd like you to ponder this I would like to say that the part of Sam Chauvel in tonight's show was played by Luke Costella And I, but Abbott, do not necessarily agree with anything he says Thank you, Abbott, and I want to say that the part of Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad is played by But Abbott, and if there was any resemblance between Abbott and any living person, there would be better off dead Thank you, and now let's give a bow to our orchestra leader, Maddie Malnick, and to our singer Hal Winters And I'd like to give credit to our writing staff, which is headed by the former with Paul Collins, Pat Costello, Martin Raghway, and Leonard Stern And let's not forget our capable producer, Charles Vander And let's not forget to say good night Good night, folks Good night to everybody in Tennessee, good night! Listen, it's Thursday night, and it's time for another great Abbott and Costello show, The Noose Transcribe in Hollywood Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station