 وقال الله تعالى في كتابه العزيز بداعوذ بالله من الشيطانة ووجين بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم وينتع الله رسوله وقولاك مع الذي يعمل الله عليه من النبيين وصدقين والشهداء والصالحين وحسنه أولئك رفقا وقال النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم ما كان منكم مستندن فالنستندن ما قدمات وكما قال النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم وكالصالحين وخيرين وخيرين one of the natural features of every human being and the root letters of uns uns which means to seek compassion to seek a sense of love to seek relevance where a human being is seeking this throughout his life from every juncture of his life as a child as he grows older when he becomes a young adult when he becomes an adult and so on and so forth and in this journey or on this journey this ends this human being is seeking to be relevant by following those who he thinks or who she thinks to be able to allow them to be successful in their fields my dear friends the first question that we ask ourselves is who are we supposed to be following and what are the conditions that they must fulfill and they must have within themselves to be worthy of us seeing for worthy of us seeing them to be those that we can follow those that we can emulate those that we can bring into our lives in our children's lives in our family's lives one is to follow someone because they're an athlete so you also want to be an athlete we can accept that another is to follow someone because they are Allah has given them a mastery in a certain field of maybe a specific niche of work if it's management, if it's marketing, if it's IT we will also accept that the other is to implement someone's lifestyle into our life it's based upon a niche but because we actually wish to earn and to abide and to approve those characteristics in our own lives so it's not a niche that we're following we're following that lifestyle we're following that mentality, we're following that perspective we're following that pedagogy and methodology of living but your friends the condition that the Prophet ﷺ gave us that if we wish to follow someone as all human beings need to do speaks about following people and living our lives like other people who have already come before us that these are people referring to the Prophet ﷺ and the companions that lived their life in which Allah has guided them so as human beings we always seek to follow people he then says follow these people because they've already made it and the Prophet ﷺ he creates a template that if we wish to follow someone they must fit this criteria not in the niche of our life not in us being physicians or us being engineers or us being students in a certain skill set but in us being human beings and us being family members and us being husbands and wives and children and parents and us hoping to implement a lifestyle into our life but your friends if we think about it before coming to the Prophet ﷺ there was no community that was drowning in the ditches of depression and failure and crisis and chaos more so than the community that was present before the coming of our حبيب ﷺ the norm of that community was equivalent if not worse than the norm that we see today that every vice that could have been thought of was not only present was popular in their community but also in their elders a lack of chastity a lack of loyalty bearing their own daughters alive and when the Romans and the Persians would be told why don't you march upon the people of the Hijaz as you have conquered the rest of the world why ignore these people they would respond by saying these are people not worth ruling they're just not worth it they'll exhaust our resources and give us nothing in return we'd rather just ignore them but in the span of 40 to 50 years the same people that the world saw not worthy of being ruled became the rulers of the world what changed it wasn't their literacy levels it wasn't their socio-economical abilities in their backgrounds changing it wasn't their lineage is changing what changed is that they were given a system and a concept to follow which brought the best out of them which allowed them to be not only civil but conducive to the growth of the people around them they allowed themselves to be used to benefit people and this is what some says if you want to follow someone the person must have this condition if we wish to follow someone's lifestyle an online personality that becomes famous for this or that speaks about this topic speaks about relationships if you want to follow someone not just listen but listening is also interesting the moment you give your ear to someone you've given your heart and brain to them because now they start planting seeds in your mind even the people that we listen to we have to be wary of it this is what some says become a scholar if you can't become a scholar become a student of knowledge and if you're unable to become a student of knowledge become someone who loves the people of knowledge and he says if you cannot become someone who loves the people of knowledge be a person who listens to the people of knowledge meaning just listening is a part of the merit of this individual just listening creates a sense of benefit for this person this is why when the Quran is being said so even the people that we're listening to the people that we tune into the people that we choose to bring into our homes and our living rooms be it male or female that person is speaking from a lens that they have created because every system in this world every institution in this world the moment they initiate their institutions they redefine the definitions of words because those definitions benefit their missions those definitions benefit their systems those definitions benefit their visions those definitions benefit their visions similar to that was a coming of our حبيب in Islam that the Prophet redefined the definitions of words what it meant to be a person what it meant to be even honorable and humiliated what it meant to be victorious or what it meant to be in loss that victory is not for a person who is departed in this world victory is for a person who is departed by the angels the moment they leave this world that the world may see people to be in a loss but that's not a loss for them because Allah is saying وَلَاَتَقُولُ لِمَنْ يُقْطَدُ فِي سَرْبِي لَلَهِ أَمْوَاتَ that's a victory for them not for us but for them it's a victory حديبي was a victory for the Prophet he redefined the meaning of poverty when he would ask people what does poverty mean they would say that person has no money poverty is a person or is a person who impoverishes a person who comes on the day of judgment expecting that there is a lot of reward that is held for them but slowly but surely because they back bit they lie, they slander all of their good deeds go to someone else similarly he redefined he redefined the meaning of masculinity he redefined the meaning of what relationships should look like prior to coming prior to the coming of our حبي what the relationships were like and after his teachings is a night and day difference it's a night and day difference because they followed the construct that he set in the lifestyle that he set where he was able to become the قدوة the world model for all of those companions it wasn't some online person who simply has a number of views that speaks about how you should treat your husband or wife but rather we turn towards those who have already left this world because they left with إيمان we look at how Allah we look at how their endings work we look at how they live their lives and for that purpose we have the Prophet we have Sahabahs we have our Salaf the person may say but not as relevant and the answer to that would be being irrelevant is is a form of subjectivity of yours that's your subjectivity that they're not relevant because there's no way in the world that the Prophet Sunnah is not relevant today there's no way in the world that the Prophet Sahabah's lives are not relevant today if they were not to be relevant they would not be they would not have been preserved that the way they are it's the lens that we wear the lens of the world that have been given to us so the people that dictate how we treat the loved ones around us cannot be people who don't love us those people have to be individuals who also love us we would never take advice from someone in a day-to-day situation that doesn't know us that doesn't love us so how is it so that we allow people who are simply personalities in different places of this world to dictate how we treat people in the Qaim رحم الله he says if you want to take advice from someone they must possess at least 3 qualities 3 qualities the first one is that they have to be a nausah meaning that they have a sense of love for you they actually have genuine love for this person number 2 meaning that they don't have an incentive there's no angle for them that if you do this or do that their system benefits or the construct that they stand for it's inflated there's no benefit number 2 this person is متجرغ they have experience in that field and number 3 that the person could be very well experienced the person may even love us but the fact of the matter is that if this person doesn't have the God consciousness of Allah SWT they will give us or they will advise us with solutions that will earn the displeasure of Allah SWT so who do we follow we follow a system which saved our societies 1440 years ago which was the coming of the Prophet SAW what she taught us what it meant to be a man from both scopes and what masculinity meant from both scopes and I'll share a few narrations they will hopefully draw an image for us to understand what it meant to be this individual or this personality and all these beautiful narrations where the Prophet SAW taught us how to live like humans and by extension how to live like males and females and the whole idea of always thinking that our religion is irrelevant and that our concepts are strange because of the times that we live in it's also it's also a push from from شيطان himself because when people start saying things like your systems are strange and what you abide by as a female is strange or what you find to be relevant as a husband or wife is strange and we agree with him that's saying that what our Prophet gave us is strange or what our religion gave us was strange and the simple answer that I would ask for all of us to remember is we can only agree upon the definition of what strange is if we're able to agree upon what the meaning of normal is if we live in a time where faster than the involvement of our industries technology everything around us that is evolving and changing faster than that there is an involvement a continuous morphing of concepts and things are normal that which was normal 5 years ago is not normal today and that which is normal today will not be normal in a few years how quickly the world is evolving or depreciating but the fact of the matter doesn't change that if they say that our system is strange we ask them about whose definition of what normal is we can only agree upon the fact that we're strange if we agree to your definition of what normal is in the reality of our time that every single person is a stranger to someone else the definition of what normal is every person is a stranger to this person's concept to this person's Islam to this person's theology or methodology that's the reality of our life so if we rather be stranger to their systems and be normal in the systems of Allah SWT and the Prophet SAW so he gave us a system that will be relevant till the end of time because Allah had told us follow that system whosoever follows that system not a system that is only for prayer not a religion that came down to simply teach us how to fast or how to give zakat our religion was 20% of our religion is following the masjid 80% of it is found within the homes and our businesses and we choose to abide by the 20% hardly and the 80% becomes something that we say is a culture that it's a part of our culture to respond to our spouses like this it's a part of our culture it's a part of our culture not to make sure that we eat before our father eats that is not a culture thing that is a purely that's a concept that purely comes from our religion that teaches us etiquettes there is no culture that is worth standing for if that culture removes the construct of etiquettes if someone tells us that we're not supposed to be kind to our parents or to our spouses or to whoever our loved ones are because that just looks weird in our culture we say that's not a culture that we want to live by because etiquettes are something which is innate within human beings only our systems of our societies have stripped us of these normal etiquettes but nonetheless the Prophet ﷺ taught us the most relevant concepts for the masjid for our homes, for our families for males and females a man who ran the kingdom in the domain of this Islamic empire the level of love that he had for the people that were close to him we oftentimes find ourselves to be people who are kind to those who are strangers to us because there's a benefit for us when was the last time we were able to cultivate a relationship in which we were not the beneficiary the other person was the beneficiary when was the last time even in today's time even our handshakes are calculated I will meet this person because there's a benefit for me where as the Prophet ﷺ taught us that the greatest level of character is when people interact with others to benefit them they're always looking to see how can I benefit this person not how can I take benefit from them in today's time in our relationships we're always trying to be equal where we're always trying to be equal we always want to make sure that the benefit that we're receiving is justified the benefit that we're giving is justified by the benefits that we're receiving and every person husband and wife specifically because of the topic and the theme that we have we're always trying to figure out I'm doing too much now but that person is doing too less she's doing too much but here friends Allah gave us this concept called إحسان the definition of إحسان in English is excellence or you could say the pursuit of perfection to make something as nearly perfect or excellent as you possibly can the definition of إحسان in our tradition for the beautiful hadith where he asked the Prophet what does إحسان mean many of you may have heard the hadith of the Prophet ﷺ and it's a worship of Allah if you cannot see him then he can see you but here friends إحسان is the the epitome of a person's worship that's the highest they can get they can't get higher than إحسان this definition of إحسان however is confined to areas of worship this definition of إحسان has no presence in how we treat and deal with each other this definition of إحسان is how we pray how we recite Qur'an how we fast how we give charity that do all of these deeds with this mentality so the question is what is إحسان when it comes to our our responsible relationships our families our children what is إحسان in that in this Imam Ghazali Imam Ghazali says إحسان for relationships تسأل that a person that is a محسن in a relationship will always give more than that which they were asked for they will always be giving more they will always be doing more they will always be doing more than what they're expected to do that's a محسن they're not taking off boxes they're trying to grow a relationship so they're always doing more يسوه بلسلام إحسان is in different in the surah yusuf in seven different areas الله سبحانه وتعالى identifies him to be a محسن and the reason for that is because he's always doing more than what people ask him to do they ask him about can you tell us what this dream means that these seven cows that were fat were eaten by seven skinny cows he could have simply given them the dream interpretation that's a محسن that a person who always does more than what they're expected to do and a person who always takes less they take less than what they deserve they deserve this much but they're okay with this not in the form of oppression not in the form of our rights being taken from us but in the sense of just showing love to one another no relationship will continue if everyone only does what they're supposed to do no institution will grow if the people of that institution only come nine to five clock in and clock out meaning they only do what they're responsible to do that's what the expectation is institutions, corporations businesses and families they grow because each person is fighting to do more than the other person that's what a محسن is there's no such thing as مكافة لا تكونوا إماعة if a person says don't be a person who's always trying to be equal who's always trying to just make sure that they're in the same scale as a person across the board from them rather he says be a person أساءوا إليك أحسنة أحسنة إليهم that when someone does wrong to you you go back and do good to them these narrations that come about doing good to people are primarily found in the chapters of Hadi that discuss the matters of the family the matters of the home not matters outside the home so bring it back to how the Prophet dealt with these things this is the mentality the mentality was to be a محسن the mentality was to always do more the mentality was to always be the hand that benefits not the hand that receives أليا العليا خير من يدر سفلة the hand that is above is always going to be better than the hand that is below we live in a capitalistic society and to such an extent that we always want to be a consumer we always want to be a beneficiary so he sets the tone mentality is be a محسن to always want to benefit people always try to benefit people is the best of our ability and then I'll give a few stories when the Prophet shows this level of softness and in some stories where he shows the level of sternness as the mad in his relationships and one narration that comes is in his home and I shall be the Lord and the Prophet get into a real argument the Prophet got into arguments the Prophet disagreed with his wives and his wives disagreed with him these were moments that took place in the best households and it takes place in all of the households that we see in our families it's a part of the relationship it's not about if we are good it's about what we do afterwards as the Prophet teaches us it's interesting a sign of a person who has strong faith and a level of emotional intelligence and maturity is that their responses are not dictated by their emotions their responses are not dictated by their emotions their responses are dictated by their ethics and principles that regardless of what has happened to me today I come back home from work after a long day and I've been I've been real when I've lost this and that