 Dr. Garber, you're here at the Kids First annual meeting giving a presentation, and the theme of the presentation is keeping kids out of the middle. Tell us about that a little bit. Good morning. I'm thrilled to be here with Kids First. It's a wonderful organization promoting the needs of children whose families are in transition. We're here today to talk about how parents who are in conflict and chaos can serve the needs of their children. And when parents are going through those transitions, families going through the transitions, what kind of effects can they have on children? Unfortunately, the outcome can be catastrophic for children over the course of a lifetime. It's important to be aware that when children are triangulated into that is pulled into the midst of adult conflict and chaos, they can end up feeling that it's their fault. They engage in a lot of self-blaming behavior. They become angry, depressed. They can as a result have school failures, get involved in drugs and alcohol, teenage pregnancies, all sorts of nasty outcomes. We can't guarantee that those things won't happen, and they certainly don't happen in every instance. But the best course of development allows a child to remain a child as long as possible to feel held and safe and confident and secure no matter the nature of the adult relationship. So these changes and these impacts can affect a child for years, not just during that period during the conflict? For a lifetime. In fact, we often see that children who grow up in the midst of chaos and conflict go on to recreate those relationships as adults. And what are some of the signs that parents can look for to see that their child may be having these problems during these transitions? Parents should be alert to their children's behavior at all times, regardless of what's going on in the home or the school or the larger environment. Just in general, we live in very conflicted and chaotic times. Children often react to the nature of their environment. I would have parents watch for changes in the child's characteristic behavior, changes in sleeping, eating, toileting, getting along with others, compliance with authority. Those sorts of changes don't necessarily mean that adult conflict is having its trickle down destructive effect, but it means that something's going on for the child. The easier thing to watch for is what the parents themselves are doing. Parents who pull children into their conflict, who turn to their child in place of turning to an appropriate adult peer. Those are the beginning signs and symptoms that the child can be hurt. Often children in these situations are forced to take on other roles in the relationship with their parents. Talk about that a little bit. You're exactly right and it can be a very destructive process. Children feel good when they're prematurely promoted into the role of an adult's helper or ally. Children even feel good when they're forced to become a parents caregiver, him or herself. Those things can communicate to the child in the short term. Mommy loves me, daddy values me, that sort of thing, but it deprives the child of the opportunity to remain a child, to enjoy the opportunity to discover friends and relationships, to learn ABC 123. All those necessary foundational steps can be compromised in the process. When parents are going through these transitions, what are the essentials that they should do themselves for good coparenting? The answers are complex, but to boil it down, let me suggest a handful of relatively clear things that parents can do. Number one, I want co-parents, regardless of the quality of their adult relationship, to communicate together proactively and to put the child's needs first. That is one of the first things to go when co-parents become highly conflicted, when emotion corrupts their ability to focus on child's needs. I want those same co-parents also to be able to maintain coparenting consistency. When children go back and forth between two or more homes, and they experience very different expectations, boundaries, limits, privileges and such between those two homes, that can be a very confusing and disruptive experience for the child. Finally, I want the parents to be able to compromise in the child's best interests. So we're talking about communication, consistency and compromise as the basic elements of serving the child's needs. Parents always say that they love their children, they want to put them first, but they put them into these situations where the child is torn between parents. Why did they do that? Well, it's easy to understand that when you lose the person that has been your emotional foundation, you turn to the next best thing. An immature and angry and emotionally distraught parent who loses a partner upon whom they've depended for years and years, and about whom they've promised to love, honor and cherish for, until death do us part, sees Billy, Sally, Susie, the child sitting there in the couch next to them and easily turns to that child and says, now you're the man of the house, Billy, that sort of thing. That's not the way we want children to be raised. We want to give children the opportunity to remain children as long as possible without being forced into adulthood or pulled into their adult's conflict. What resources should parents reach out for to help them through this process? At the most general level, it's important that parents find other appropriate adults to turn to to support them so that they can make healthy decisions and so their emotional gas tanks can be filled and thereby they can fill their child's emotional gas tanks. So turning to a therapist, to a clergy person, to a dear friend, a neighbor, that sort of thing. But here in the Freeport area and throughout Maine, Kids First offers terrific programs for adults and for children alike.