 Trying us from Delray Beach is the David Feldman show, my Ami correspondent, Bruce Murnoff. Hello, Bruce. Hello, David. We are in rain here. It has been raining for four days in a row. It's, it rains so much. We need it. So it's not like it's a horrible thing. It's like almost pitch black at four o'clock in the afternoon. And the sun doesn't set until like 8 30 here. It's just so dark in the thunder, the booming thunder. And you just want to crawl and take a nap every time that happens. So we are just under lots of rain, but still in great spirits. You're in great spirits. And you're our Miami correspondent. You cover all things Florida. All things Florida. Yes. From Delray Beach. From Delray Beach. Any far way out of the sun. This is like all old people. And you know, you know, falling down and calling 911. And you know, that like the guys at the fire stations here, they wear like track outfits because they have no time to rest. And by the time they get in the community where the 911 call, the person's been dead already hard as a rock. So it's the most idiotic. And they just go back to the station to put the beans on the on the fryer. And then the alarm goes off again, another stiff. And it's, you know, because there's no next place here. It's this is it. So, you know, that's what goes on. And I live across the street from the firehouse. And these guys are, you know, they're, they're, they're moving it. No one sets fires, because no one can even get up to cook anymore. So, you know, it's not a fire. It's just a dead body that's stiff. So do they take it out horizontally? Or do they take it out vertically depends on the archway or the space in the door. And that's that's the whole life down. But yes, when you compare that to South Beach, where you've got 19 year old people doing coke and dancing, it's the complete opposite. But I know it goes on there because I used to I used to live on South Beach. I was there in 06. So I know, big action place. Well, I am going to try to get cousin Ed on the show. And who is cousin Ed cousin Ed is Jeff Ross's cousin because oh, yeah, he's the one that lives in in Kendall. Yes. No, cousin Ed, he used to be on the burn with us. As we speak cousin Ed, I'm going to Ed Larson. I don't know if I met cousin Ed. You know, I know Jeff, he's been so great to me in my career. And I know he has a cousin blanking on his name, but he lives down in Kendall, which is south of Miami. Great guy. Yeah, I just want them to see this because I want you to comment on it. Okay, just sending this to Jeffrey Ross, because cousin Ed, yeah, was hang on, made history, cousin Ed made history. He a Florida mother. Yeah, gave birth to a 13.5 pound baby in Jacksonville, Florida. And I want to find out if that breaks cousin Ed's record. Oh, he was a big, big baby. Yeah. 40% of Florida is going to be underground. Right. When you fly out of Miami airport, you know, when you go to South America or the Caribbean or something, you fly over, I don't know what it's called, but it's so interesting. It's like land that is probably about maybe three feet underwater. So, you know, it's immersed, but it doesn't look like coral or anything. It's like land. And that's Florida, you know, was carved out of swamps. So, yes, with global warming, that can happen. And in, what did you say, 50 years will be 40% of the land will be gone down here. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It depends. If you're holding a real estate on the water, I don't think that's such a good idea. But where I am, this will be, you know, right on the ocean, right where I am. I'm in the middle. So, this will be great for me. I won't be alive, but it would be great for whoever buys this place after me. I'm eight miles from the water. So, with your prediction and your calculations, I will be eight inches from the water. So, how is show business going down there in Florida? This is the summer. So, it's like a vault locked up and then welded. Nothing happens. I've got two weeks. I'm working the Borgata, you know, Richie Minervini, great guy, great comedian. He books the Borgata Hotel. They've got a great comedy room. I'd have to say it's one of the top three comedy clubs left, you know, in the United States. So, I'll be going up there in July and August. I've got a week each month. But other than that, we're doing a benefit next week for a guy on the ship. He runs the comedy clubs on Royal Caribbean cruise lines. Very nice, very talented guy. He didn't start as a comedian. He was just hired to be the, you know, the manager of the comedy club on the ship. Turns out this guy's funnier than like 90% of the comedians that are on the ship. So, he's blossomed into this mini star, great guy, and his home burned down about three months ago. And he didn't have fire insurance. So, they're doing a benefit for him. You know, Phil Tag, don't you? No. All these guys are really good comics. He's a ship guys. We're doing a benefit for him this Friday in Allendale Beach, Florida. So, to get him some money to get him settled. Because his mom was living in the house. She's okay, but he lost his two dogs. So, you know, it's to help help them. And hopefully they'll buy a fire insurance policy for the next time the house goes down. Tell me some good news coming out of Florida. There's lots of good news. If everybody listening to this show is healthy, that's great news. I like to walk. I do a lot of walking here. I do like an hour and a half a day. I think I cover about six miles. So, that's good news. And how are the hair transplants? Oh, the hair transplant. You know, I wanted to go on last night and see all the new things. I had hair transplants in 1991 and then again in 92. They're great. You have the best hair transplants. Thank you. But like the crown of my head, you know, is fairly open now. So, I don't care because like I was telling you before, I don't really chase women anymore. I'm not married. I don't really care about, you know, I mean I care about vanity. I just don't care about having that section of my head covered with hair. But I think about it from time to time because this is a narcissistic show business and overly so. We shouldn't be thinking so much of ourselves, but we do. But they have what's called F-U-E transplants. Now, do you know what that is? Of course I do. It's body hair transplants. It's body hair. And I have a really heavy beard. I have a lot of hair on my chest. But the weird thing about it is just like I think one doctor that does it. Do you know that too? I looked him up. I think there's a guy in Southern California. Is he African American? No, I think he's Arabic. Umar. No, actually, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Doctor Swords Associate does it. Okay. All right. So now there's two. Yeah. But this guy is Umar. He's got a big website. And it's funny. It's done. It was invented. I don't know if it was invented, but it's done like crazy in Turkey. Did you know that? No, but I will tell you how hair plugs were invented. Okay. Dr. Orentreich, Norman Orentreich. Remember that guy? No. Dr. Norman Orentreich invented hair plugs when he was serving in the Korean War. He saw that the South Koreans developed, this is true, developed a surgical procedure in which they transplanted pubic hair over scars. If somebody had been injured in the leg, they would lift the pubic hair and cover the scar with it. He came back to America and said, wait a second, you can cure this horrible affliction, baldness, baldness by transplanting hair. So the first hair transplants were pubic hair. Did you know that? I did not know that. No, but they never took off that way, which is there's permanent donor hair, obviously abundant donor hair if you were to take it from that area. So I don't know why that didn't take off. So are you considering a body hair transplant? No, because I just don't care anymore. If I wanted to wake up tomorrow and start chasing after women and I cared about how I looked, if I was on television, I would think about it, but I just don't care. I take care of myself, but I don't care about that stuff. When you're 35, you want to hold on to your youth, but you know, just no, but I want to tell you. Hang on for one second. Hold that thought. On the website, because I checked it out, the way they developed body hair transplants, the reason they did it was not to put hair on your head. It was for guys who were insecure that they didn't shave. There were guys, right? I'm looking at this and these guys come to Turkey. Yeah, they in Turkey and Iraq and those countries, if you don't have a hard core Saddam Hussein mustache, you're like an idiot. You're moron, you know, and I mean, I think it's the same with the women there too. They want a mustache talking about. Yeah. You have a real good. Oh, come on, mustache. Come on. These are no, I was kidding about the women. So these are the men that don't have so they were going and getting their armpit hair or their chest hair or even their sideburn hair transferred to their lip. And now they got like a hardcore, you know, a Saddam or whatever Turkey era Dewan mustache. Yeah, that is how it started. Isn't that amazing? It's amazing. And you and I are thinking, are you crazy? It's what's up on top of your head that counts. I know that matters. But that's those societies a mustache is some you know, I guess we can I'm sure the information is available. But that's like a big deal with these people, you know, big mustache. So oh, and you know, do you know what the Yuri flap is? You must know what that is too, right? What is that? Okay, the Yuri flap, and that's spelled why you why you are I, I think it's it was Dr. Yuri. And this did not succeed. This is what I believe the president has is the Yuri flap. And it makes sense Yuri flap. Oh, really? They take the they take the area above your ear. And they cut they like if you were wearing glasses, you know, you, you know, that area where the glasses go. So that whole donor area is taken out in a strip. Okay, then they sew the area back that where the strip was taken. Then they turn it the opposite direction. That's an old old. So I think you're right. He had these they put it two sections, they put it in the front. Then they give it a couple of inches and they put it or centimeters, whatever. And then they put it in the middle. And then you have to keep your hair very long. And you have to hairspray it because if it you know, you will always have those gaps in in between the flips. But it didn't take off. It was like Beverly Hills thing and it was it was popular. And then they went more into the, you know, the hair transplants and then the single hair. You're saying Trump had the Yuri flap. I'm not saying it, but it looks that way. I think you're right. You're the first person who has suggested this and it makes so much sense because he had he would have had it done in the late 80s, mid to late. This thing was only popular for about six years. It was like going to be the next thing. And then for whatever reason, it just wasn't, you know that when they do a scalp reduction, did you ever have that done? I know I know about you got a scalp reduction. I had like three of them, but they don't take right? Yeah, they don't take. So these were along the process of you telling me your audience are guys driving trucks. Do you think they really want to listen to absolutely idiots? Yes. About the hair transfer, they're wearing baseball caps. And we're talking about idiotic with the vanity and we can't have sex even if we tried. And this is what you want to make your whole show about. But that's you. I'll continue. This is, by the way, you're no longer the Miami beach correspondent. You're our transplanted New Yorker, not living in Florida. You're just the guy who's had the transplants. This is all I care about. This is, by the way, this might be this might be the most important public service I've ever provided to my listeners. Oh, this is great. Listen, you got to you got to watch the surgery. You know, we have one of our acts, you know, at Don Casino Productions, David, what's his name? He's not with us anymore. He was a juggler. He left us. But he had, he had, when you say left us, you're in Florida, left on casino productions. He left on casino. He's with another agent, whatever. He's really good at them. David's something rather, he's a juggler. And he's had this hardcore, I believe he had the FUE and he does the commercials for him. So when you go on this guy's website, it's like, Hey, you know, and he's like, real excited, and he's real genuine. And he you can see what the doctor did to him. But yeah, I got a real heavy beard. And that's pretty much unlimited donor. The weird thing about if you get your body hair, if you get your beard hair, your beard only, you have to keep your hair really short, which is really weird, because it won't grow. You know, like when you watch, when you see somebody with a long beard, it takes a long time for it to get to like Santa Claus level. So I think you have to keep it. They show on the video, all these guys have like, almost like Sergeant Carter haircuts from Homer. You know, like maybe in Kyle. Yeah, your, your, your hair. No, that was Binghamton. I forget what was, move it, move it, move it. That was Sergeant Carter. Yeah, so you have to keep your hair shorter. But still, I'd keep my hair short. If I could have full coverage, man, that would be great. But it ain't cheap. And so the kids don't go to college. I have no kids. There's no one to go to college. That's what I said. You're not going to college kids. Daddy needs hair. And, you know, with our personalities, we could snore the guy into having us do his commercial. So I once had that with my guy in Beverly Hills. I actually talked myself out of it. He was going to give me free surgery if I would do a infomercial for him. And I actually, like, talked myself out of it. I was being obnoxious and saying, I don't know if I want to do this because of my image. And I don't know if I want people to know I had. And he goes, then don't have it. And they hung up on me. And that was the end of that. But what an idiot I was, you know, we sometimes we get so insecure. And then we think we're like geniuses, and we really shoot ourselves in the foot. So, okay, go back to the it's called FUE. It's FUE, I believe. What does it stand for? Sorry, it doesn't matter. I don't know. I went to the website. I don't know. But it's something. I went to Dr. Umar, you M a R in Long Beach. He's the guy. And I went to his site. And then I read the studies. It's very esoteric, very few people are stupid enough and insecure enough to get this procedure. What I've read, they are finding that when you transplant, say, pubic hair or chest hair to the top of the head, they have found that it grows like regular hair. Oh, okay. I think something happens. It doesn't make sense. They say the DNA gets altered in some way, and it's longer, and not as curly. If I don't care if it looked like Larry from the Three Stooges, as long as I had full cover, I don't care about what direction it's growing, as long as it's growing, you know. Okay, so when you're, let's spray it or glue it or glue it. All right. So let me ask you a question. Let's see how sick you are. Okay. When you're in the shower. Yeah. And you're looking at your pubes. Yeah. Do you shampoo them, condition them, and comb them, and imagine what they would look like on top of your head? I do it. Again, I don't do that stuff anymore because it doesn't hold an importance in my life. But did you ever look at your pubic hair? 24-7. To imagine what it would look like? No, no. I have enough on, again, I have a heavy beard. This would go no further than my beard or maybe some area from the chest. I got the donor. I got no problem with that. They can take from the beard, right? Oh yeah, they take from the beard. Are you going to look like Edward J. Olmos afterwards? Well, that's the whole thing. That's the thing. The surgery is so minute. They're taking one follicle out at a time. So they show the people, they show the videos. They're showing it during this surgery while they're taking it out. And there's like little dots of blood. Not every removal causes blood. So it's speckled with blood, which heals in a couple of days. But yeah, you'll have no, if you decide you want to dress up and be a Macy's Santa Claus, it's not going to happen. You're going to be all patchy and have no facial hair in most of your area, which I don't really care about. But yeah, but I worry that you would have dots, maybe a few scars, maybe some pigmentation problems. And that's probably something you have to see how that happened. You have to look at someone that's had that after a few years and really see, you know, I mean, if you look, face looks like a strawberry. Is that worth it? You know, if it's all dotted with scars, tiny little scars, but I don't know. Now women will say they don't care about penis size, although they like girth. And they'll also say they don't care for man as bald. But then you get a couple of drinks into them and they do care about hair. They like thick, girthy, long hair and they like a big penis. Or are they just trying to keep men confused to get even with us for what we do to them? I think it's a little bit of all. It's what is it called natural selection where women have a, you know, they're just drawn to certain things, your condition. Listen, when people, men used to wear wigs just in the United States. So I don't know how, I don't know why they did that. I don't know if that was for vanity because that's what women wanted. I did. You ever think about that? I never, because they weren't in any way like real or anything. They just wore them for, I don't know, why did they wear them? I guess that's the subject of Google. I can't answer any questions. Why, you mean politicians and George Washington, why they wore wigs? Yeah, they wore wigs. You wore wigs. So I guess being bald had its downside back then too. But the judges, in order to be a barrister in England, you had to wear a wig. I think they just discontinued that practice. They did discontinue it. And I don't know why that is either. I don't think that's about baldness. I think that's just a, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe it's like a hair hat. Maybe it's a hair hat or a pro-flattering. Yeah. I mean, it's like a, it's to cover their head for judicial reasons. And while you're at it, you know, make it look like maybe make it lambs wool or something because don't they have a lot of lamb in the Great Britain? I don't know. I have to look it up. I mean, the pope, the pope wears a yarmulke. Maybe it's a real, you know, maybe it's saying that when you're swearing on a Bible promising to tell the whole truth, maybe it's like a religious thing. You know, while we're on idiotic information. This is the most important conversation. Well, I want to tell you about lamb. Do you know a lamb is a baby? Right? You know that, right? Okay. It's, I think it's a sheep. So it's when you have lamb chops and things like that, you're having it from a baby lamb. But when a lamb grows up, it's called mutton. You've heard that expression before. An adult sheep is mutton. That's the beef. I didn't know that. So in America, how come when you go to the supermarket, you don't see mutton. You see lamb. And how come you don't see mutton? Do you know the answer? I do know the answer. Yeah. I just wanted to know if you knew. I would suspect then people would figure out that when they're eating lamb chops, they're pro-choice. Oh, there's no need to go on. You guessed it. So the British, No kidding. What if we get nuts with these crazy answers? No, mutton, as it gets older, stinks when you cook it. And yet the English eat it all the time. But in America, it stinks up your house. And there's a story. I forget where I read this. I think I read it in this book about whatever, gulags. But they were talking about the president was hosting somebody in 1925 in the White House and to make them feel at home. I guess they were serving the English ambassador or something. They had the chef cook mutton. And the White House is enclosed. The kitchen is an enclosed area. And they said it stunk up the White House for like weeks. They couldn't get the smell out of the White House. So that's why I know that. How many may have just driven their trucks into ditches because of this idiotic conversation that we're having? Right into the Texaco station listening to this. Maybe if you change the feed, that's what they say. Sometimes when you change what you feed the mutton, it doesn't smell that bad. I don't know. But if you want mutton in the United States, you have to make a special phone call. You have to order it. And it comes all, I think comes all wrapped up and everything because they don't even want to, I don't believe the butcher wants to even keep it in the showcase or anything. It's just one of these weird things. Because we eat veal, which is a baby cow. And then we eat regular cow when they get to be mature. But mutton is the sheep is the weird thing like that. And we got to that because we're talking about wool about the barristers in England wearing the wigs. So we went all over the place. Yeah. If I could dye wool and transplant it to the top of your head, would it be acceptable to you? Yeah, but that's not possible. How about this? How about if people could transplant? How about if I could accept somebody's transplant like somebody else's hair? Okay, I don't buy into that. See, this is really important to me. I have been told, this is what I'm told. In order to get hair transplants, the donor has to come from you. You have to be your own donor. Or your identical twin. And I said to the dermatologist, I said, so when I need my liver transplant, because I've become an alcoholic because I'm bald, so I'm drinking myself to death. And now I need a liver transplant. The only person who can donate a liver to me is me or my identical twin. You're lying to me. Well, a hair transplant is considered a skin graft. So it has to be treated in that department. So burn victims. Wait a second. I think people can give each other skin. What about skin? If you find the right match, you can get skin from somebody. Listen, if that were true, I would be in contact with Florida State Penitentiary. And I'd find some guy with thick, thick hair, and I'd make a deal. I'd get him more money on his canteen card to give me about four inches for the crown. I'm down with that. I can't argue with you. Why are we supposed to accept this? Why do we accept this? Because you want to mess around in surgery and then get an infection and die because you had to have two inches of your head with hair on it because you had to have two inches on it because you feel insecure talking to somebody at a bar? Come on. But if it was possible, I'd be the first one at Bank of America withdrawing some money. Not only that, I'd get a blonde guy. I have dark brown hair. I'd go to a blonde guy and I'd have like a section of my hair blonde. I'd go, I'd get a redheaded guy. I wouldn't really care. As long as I got coverage, that's all that matters. But, you know, it just doesn't work that way. Can you imagine if you could do that? Some guy, some hen pecked husband who doesn't care about anything anymore. And you see these guys. You see guys with full movie star mop of hair and they're doing them no good. The wife is for shtunkin' a kid or loser. The last thing you're thinking about is the only one is like a piece of cake. They're miserable people. But God gave them this hair that if they washed it with bar soap, it would still look phenomenal, you know? And these guys, they go to the grave with the beautiful hair and I sit there at three in the morning taking Ambien and watching FUE transplant. They're like, I'm a client. I'm like, hey, this is the greatest thing in the world. And that's my life. You got bald gradually. It wasn't like you woke up, right? When did you forget your first hair transplants? When did you need them? I got them in 91, 92. So by then you were already a player. Big player. And you've always been a great dresser. Thank you. And you're tall, so nobody's going to see the back of your head unless you're in prison trying to get those donors. Trying to get the donors. Hey, I don't really care that you killed six people. That's water under the bridge. Here's what I need. I need three inches. Take it from the sides. Who really cares? Give me three inches. Give me a blonde and I want to talk to Rusty over there with the red hair. And with Rusty, I want eight inches from the back of him and you call me tricholor. You know, like tricholor pasta. I don't care. As long as I have a full head of hair. Is there anybody you've met in Hollywood who has the worst toupee? You don't have to mention the name. Oh, of course. When we know him, you can't mention it. I'll tell you this. What do we know? He wears a toupee and he wears a baseball cap on the toupee. Like if you're bald and you want to go out with the baseball cap, then just wear the baseball cap because you're getting the coverage. But this guy has to put the wig on. Nice guy. But he puts the wig, like hair people like you and me. Larry David is also a hair guy. He knows the nonsense. He knows the BSers and all that stuff. But so we can always tell somebody wearing a wig. But when you're wearing the baseball cap on the wig, like to protect your hair from the sun, which it just doesn't. That is the most infuriating thing. So yes, that was one of the worst wigs. How unforgivable is it to have a toupee? This is what I'll tell you. This is what I learned. When I was getting my transplants, there was a period where I had to wear a wig because I was doing TV and I was bloody and they were. Anyway, so for about a little period, I was wearing a toupee. Here's one of the things that I found. On TV, the toupee was great. I loved it. Sure. But then you go out in public, it doesn't fly. And what it's doing is this. You throw yourselves on the mercy of strangers. You throw your, it's a compact with society, which is I'm telling a lie. You know I'm telling a lie. It's not a white lie. It's a brownish gray lie. And because you're civil and kind, you're not gonna call me on this lie. What you do is you lie and you force people to be complicit in your lie. That's why people get so angry at somebody with a bad toupee. Are there ever people who wear a toupee and it doesn't make you angry? And the answer is yes. If you can have a toupee, but if it's a good toupee, we can still know it's a toupee, but it's a good toupee so you don't get angry. It's the bad toupees that piss people off, right? Yes and yes. Because you're making me feel, you're making me feel stupid. You think I'm stupid that I don't know it's a toupee. Or you're making me complicit in this lie and it's dishonest. That's why people get so angry at bad toupees. I worked with an act, again, nameless. And his hair was really good. I said to myself, this has got to be a toupee, but it's so great. It can't, it's not. But I'm going, of course it is. I'm going, but it's so good. I don't see a line across, I don't see any of the demarcations, nothing. And then we were walking outside in the daylight and he had one errant. He had a red thread in it. Like when they were putting this thing together, whether we were ever using like paintbrush hair or whatever, one of them fell into number seven red dye and it's not like any color a human being can grow. It was like literally tomato red and it was just no one cut it off at the factory. And I said, it's a wig and that's it. I felt a lot better back then. Oh, you weren't sure until you saw the errant hair. I'm telling you, I wasn't, I just said, this is one of the best and then there's the red thread. And I went, that's it. Couldn't fool me. Couldn't fool Sherlock. He figured it out. It took a few days and then I felt good. It was like taking, you know, like plucking ear hair or something. You just have that good feeling when you've plucked it and that was it. But one thing, David, we're hair conscious because we've lost our hair, but the average person who hasn't lost their hair and women, they're not plagued with these issues. When a woman is out in public, you think that as soon as you walk into a room, they're looking at your hair and thinking, oh, he doesn't have hair, he's wearing a bad wig. Everybody has their own life going on in their own inner conversation and it's not, this guy's wearing a wig. It's like, I wonder if my husband's going to be coming after me with a Louisville slugger when I come home later. These, they've got other things on their mind than whether you're wearing a wig or not. I worked with Joan Rivers. Yes. She walks into the room and it's like a statue, a living breathing statue. She had had so much plastic surgery. I understood why they called it plastic surgery. She looked literally plastic. She looked like somebody had dipped her entire body in paraffin and there was some melting going on, but I could not take my eyes off her. I was riveted and I kept thinking of Michael Jackson. I thought, okay, I understand this. I feel invisible. Nobody ever pays attention to me. If I spent $15,000 on plastic surgery and was turned into a freak, people would stare at me all the time. And I realized that Joan knew that she had a lot of plastic surgery, that it was evident that she had a plastic surgeon who was on call 24 hours a day. Yeah. That she didn't look normal. I always say that Beverly Hills, when you walk around Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive. Right. You know how Mongolians have a certain look, the phrenology, the face. Exactly. Yes, yes. If you look at the women and the guys in Beverly Hills, you would think you had come to another country and this is how they look because they're all. It depends what surgeon. Each surgeon has a signature. So yes, it's same thing here in Florida and Aventura. When you see the women, they all look like their sisters, but they're not sisters. They just all go to the same doctor. So if you go to Dr. A, he gives you the Asian look in the eye. You go to the next guy. He gives you the Ukrainian look. So they all have the, but they all look like sisters because there's just so much you can do when you're tightening and working with the skin like that. And I work. I think Joan and I think Michael Jackson until his nose fell off. I think they looked in the mirror and they said, okay, like it's like me and my hair transplants. I say, all right, I'm going out in public. Most people know these are hair transplants, but I'm okay with it because I think this is. Of course. It's better than, it's better than the option, the other option. Right. And I, and it helps me understand Caitlyn Jenner. Like Caitlyn Jenner. That's a rough one. Caitlyn Jenner. Yeah. Like Joan Rivers. Yeah. Like me and my hair plugs, knows that everybody knows what's going on, but I feel better looking this way. I worked with Joan Rivers in 1986 on her show. I collect war memorabilia. I don't know if you know that about me. I know, I know about this stuff. And I did her show and I went to sit on the panel and while they went to commercial, I was looking at her face and I looked at her skin. And her skin looked like a World War I German pickle halb helmet. Pickle halb helmet. They were not steel helmets. That was, they developed those later in the war. This is the leather, tanned leather. It's dipped in like whatever chemicals you have to dip it in to make the leather hard. And it had the, the lineage in it and the creases. And I said, if I had a horse hair brush, I could buff her face and make it shine even more. All she was missing was the pickle halb sticking at the top of her head. But she looked, but she looked good on television. The option, the alternative was to look like an old yenta and to be, you know, disgusting looking. So she chose option B where from a distance, she looked like a movie star. She looked great. She had a, she had the Bob, she had everything done properly, but up close is when, you know, what do they call that up? The details are in the, whatever that is. God is in the details. Yet when you look at something up close, you know, you see the flaws. I was working with Billy Reback in 1984. That's a guy who could, There's a lot of hair. His body hair could cover. I was gonna make a bad taste joke. He's as hairy as Robin Williams. Robin Williams was that hairy too, but Robin had brown, light brown hair. Billy has dark, dark brown hair. But yeah, those are, those are, those are freaks, those kind of guys. They have hair on their back. They have it on. We talked about this. He has a head asner. Second knuckle. Yeah. Yeah. I'm looking at my knuckle. I would have hair on my second knuckle, but I drag my knuckles when I walk because I'm a caveman. But so we're working on a project in 1984. And he got hired to write jokes for Bruce Jenner at some kind of speech. And he came back and he was like, he, you know, he's a very aggressive and Billy has a lot of piss and vinegar in him, angry guy. And he was like, he just was like, I got it. I saw the weirdest thing today. And he go, what? He goes, I worked. I was writing jokes for Bruce Jenner. And I, he wears makeup and he paints. He has like nail polish on his fingers. I go, come on, knock it off. Let's get to work. He goes, no, he had makeup on like rouge and lipstick, but lightly. And he had his nails done. I went, great, God bless. You know, and that was it. But I remember him telling me that and I put it, you know, how you put it in the file cabinet in the back of your head. And then, you know, 32 years later, whatever, it's like, holy mackerel, you know, he was right. But Chris Jenner never knew. Who's that? That's the wife. The wife. I guess the wife had to know. Of course she had to know. I don't know. I don't watch TV, those reality shows. So I don't know the ins and outs of that stuff. I don't know if you're being facetious, but this woman had to know it because she doesn't see anything. It doesn't say in the card. She had kids with him, right? Doesn't she have biological children with him? And OJ kids, right? And OJ. The word is kids with OJ, too. Well, some people think. Oh, that kind of thing. All right. You know, Jerry Lewis has a daughter. Did you know this? No, he has a lady. Yeah. And what is her name? Barbara. I know that was his wife's name. This girl's name anyway. Oh, well, from the new, from the door. Yeah, the new from the new wife. No, no, no, no, no. This is again, and it depends what source you go on on Google. I don't want to get sued by the Jerry Lewis people. OK, so let's leave it be then. But look it up. But she looks just like him. I mean, she has she makes the funny face. And it's she looks more like him than the boys do. Anyway, can you imagine having Jerry Lewis for a father? I don't see that. You know, I used to not wasn't crazy about his films. But when I saw that documentary on him on Cinemax, remember, they did about eight years ago. I didn't realize this guy is is like a massive genius. Yeah, I guess it can be a pain in the ass and stuff. But oh my, he invented video, the video assist. He invented, you know, video playback. He and he he's like in the middle of doing like drooling, you know, water out of his nose. And then he just goes, stop. I need you to put a 25 lens and a 16. And I need you to go 18.3 inches away from it. It's phenomenal. He demands a genius. Yeah, he was. And he was an 18 year old superstar. And there's a lot, a lot to say about that, you know. And yeah, even his mental illness is genius. Even his mental illness is genius. But yes, if I wasn't in show business, I guess it would be OK if I wanted to be in show business. It could be difficult. This is what I want you to do. Yeah. Joan Rivers had a daytime talk show in the late 60s. I think it was called That Show. OK. Go to YouTube. I'll link to it on my website. Jerry Lewis is on the show with a shrink who has the worst comb-over in the history of comb-overs. Sure. The subject of the show was, is it OK to hit your child? And Jerry launches into a story about hitting his kid. It is the most disturbing thing I've seen. In what way? He did hit his kid? Oh yeah. He says, you have to hit your kid. It's an act of love. I had a son, Gary, who had misbehaved. I said to him, go up to your room and I'm going to hit you. And then I made him wait an hour because I know that waiting to be beaten sometimes is far worse than the actual beating. This is what he said. In about 1969 on The Joan Rivers Show, then I stood over the bed. I took off my belt and I explained what I was going to do to him. And by the way, that's Jerry's theory of comedy. Tell the people what you're going to do, do it, and then tell them what you just did. That's his theory of comedy. I'm being serious. They said, Jerry, what's your theory of comedy? I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to do it. And then I'm going to tell you what I just did. And so he's holding a belt about to whip his kid. And he says, I'm about to whip you. I'm going to whip you because you disobeyed me. And then he whips him. And then after, he says, then I tell him what I did and why I did it. He says, this is the great part. He says, after I whip him, I say, you should feel bad. You should feel the physical pain and the emotional pain because this is what you made me do. I don't feel the physical pain that you're feeling, but right now I'm feeling the emotional pain of having to do this to you. And for that reason, it's unforgivable that I had to hit you. And so you should feel emotional pain for yourself and for me because you inflicted emotional pain because I had to hit you. And he's being serious. Yeah. And I thought, wow. Wow. My kid stops talking to me if I roll a red light. But it's different now. And you know, back then, you know, I don't have children. I don't, I think the longest relationship I had with a woman was like six weeks and I could be exaggerating that by five. So I just not want to ask these questions, you know, but you know, it's, I was not hit. I was slapped a couple of times and I, you know, I didn't hold anything against my parents. I certainly deserved whatever I was slapped for. But well, there was the generation that we came from, they were ambivalent about the hitting and the whipping and the screaming and the yelling and the doing the bad so you could do the good. Right. But now we know that you can't hit a kid. I mean, I would never even think. Yeah. I mean, I'm at a loss for words because I don't have an opinion on this because I haven't been there. You know, if you're with children and I just don't have no opinion, can't help you in that department. But if you're looking to link something up, link Telethon. I did already. Oh, we talked about this. Yes. And by the way, everybody went there and thank you for it. You remember Ralph, don't you? Did you know Ralph Cardin now? Remember when Rick Corso was doing that show Vega Rama? Weren't you hanging around us then coming and watching that show or not? No, everybody was in that. No. So Ralph was a character. Ralph is that guy in the documentary that was Jerry's assistant. He was like Jerry's driver. And you know, he has a very funny look to him. He's a bald guy, Ralph Cardinale from Worcester. And Ralph used to tell me, you know, I work for Jerry Lewis. And I go, yeah, sure. And then I see this documentary and he was like his right hand guy. He really was. Max Alexander may he rest in peace was good. Yes. Well, Max Alexander was very, very, very tight with him. Yeah. I mean, incredibly tight. How about how about all those ice cream sandwiches? I just rule the thumb, you know, I guess from what my mother drummed into my head that if you eat more than two ice cream sandwiches, you're going to die of cancer in 12 minutes. He eats like 32 ice cream sandwiches in like two hours. Jerry Lewis plays every rule of thumb in that. And he washes it down with red wine. Do you remember that? It's unbelievable. Who drinks red wine with an ice cream sandwich? You know, you can have chocolate. I once had chocolate with red wine and it was surprisingly incredible. It was like a really cool thing, but an ice cream sandwich, the alcohol with the sour with the, you know, the, what is it? The, you know, what happened? Fermentation hits the ice cream. I can only imagine what was going on in his stomach, but that's what he eats during that documentary. Wow. And you see him go from, you know, very serious. And then he walks in on the rehearsals of, I think it was Anna Maria, Albergatti and the, the sisters, the Maguire sisters. And he just like in, in, in a half of a millisecond, he goes from like, you know, like a serious guy. And he just goes me and it, you're laughing. He's, he can turn it on like a spigot. It's incredible how gifted that is to be able to do that. Wow. Who is the funniest person you've met in your life? Jackie Mason. That's the meanest person you've met in your life, the funniest. Mark Goldstein. You remember Goldstein? No. Improv. He, on stage, he wasn't that funny, but off stage, he could do impressions. He, he had a brilliant mind for, he was just the greatest. He, and he was full, so angry. It was so funny. But Jackie Mason off stage is also very funny. Like, like drop dead fun, because there's no difference really, because he's never, he never goes beyond any dimension. He's the same person on stage as he is off stage. And it's, it's just watching. I do agree or you don't agree. I agree. I have trouble with Jackie because he's not a nice guy. Horrible. He's a horrible guy. But I spent many, many years with him. And I was the brunt of a lot of his, not, not towards the end. He kind of stopped with the, you know, putting me down and things like that. But, yeah, he's a very mean, mean person, but, you know, can't have everything. I had a couple of experiences with him. I respect him. I think as a, as a clown, he's both a, a comic and a clown. I, he is the, he's the whole thing. If most comics are like, let's say a six cylinder engine. I'm a four cylinder engine, but if most comics are a six cylinder engine and you, you can put people like Jackie Mason, he's a 12 cylinder engine. You know, when you break it down, he likes George Carlin. That's one of his inspirations, surprisingly. Jackie Mason? Yeah. And I think if you boil it down, George Carlin produced something in the order of, let's say 40 plus hours of stand up, would you, would you agree to that? Yeah. And it's, I think even more, but I'm giving, I'm giving a minimum of 40 hours of stand up. Well, Jackie Mason is on that order. I mean, how many guys, I mean, even my idol, I won't mention his name now, because I don't want to have to put him down because he's my idol, but put him in with those. But even my idol petered out after probably about eight, eight, maybe about four great hours and he's produced maybe 25 hours, but they're not as good. But Jackie Mason is good today, even though physically he's an older man. And I don't think he can, you know, have the energy, but he's still producing. And so was Carlin till the day they, till the day he passed away. But that's, that's heavy horse. When's the last time you saw Jackie? I had a, again, I got great story. I have stories that'll bend you down, but I can't tell them now because. Did you hang out with him at Wolfies? A lot. Yeah. Everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. And there was a period where I could not go to a delicatessen without running into Jackie. Well, he lives in them. That's why, you know, because his life, he has maybe the most perfect, I used to idolize Woody Allen. I wanted his kind of a life. But then when I met Jackie, I wanted his life more. He literally lives in the heart of Manhattan and he just wakes up, rolls out of bed, and he's in the heart of Manhattan. So he doesn't have to take even a taxi. He doesn't even have to take a rickshaw to get where he needs to be. He just falls into the busiest place on earth. Let's just say the busiest place in the United States. And then he just goes from one restaurant to another. And because he's so famous and he lives off of the adulation of people, he uses the energy that people give him to whatever fits the moment he's in. Like, I guess if he's feeling particularly low, he'll let somebody hang out with him for about 20 minutes and suck that adulation until he gets tired of him. And then he just literally will walk away from the person without a goodbye or anything. It's almost as if that person is a plant, not a human being, but just a plant like a cactus and they cut it in half to drink the water out of it and then they discarded it. And then he'll walk to another situation and wherever he goes, he's instantly recognized and it's a great life. I mean, if you're into superficiality, which is my middle name, it's great. And then if you get tired, let's say you just want to go to the bathroom and veg. You just walk five more blocks back to your apartment. You're in the privacy of your world and your bathroom and you're, you know, whatever you want to do with yourself. And then you just get back in the elevator and the door opens up and you're back in that amazing, you know, everything's always at a 10 as from zero to 10, we're always in a 10. Pretty amazing wildlife. It's a wildlife. I started, I'm just thinking out loud here. Maybe I'm sharing too much about myself. But when I first became a comic, I wanted that life. I didn't think I was ever going to have kids that I didn't, I never thought a woman would love me. I thought, you know what? I'll just become funny, famous, and there'll be a superficial woman who will put up with me for a few weeks and then I'll be so famous. I can find another one and then I'll be successful. And then what happened was I never became famous, but I met this amazing woman and we had kids and I had what I never thought I was going to have, which is, you know, a house with kids and dogs and friends and family. But on the back of my mind, I kept thinking, you know, there's this Jackie Mason orgy out there that I'm missing. I'm missing out on that orgy that had I not given it all up for this, I could have Jackie Mason's life. And then I'd catch myself and what do you think? You know, obviously this is better than Jackie Mason. Now I'm back to square one. If that's what you want to tell yourself that I'm okay. But that you had me there. You had me hanging on every word because that's exactly what I wanted until I realized I couldn't get it. But whatever I've got now is still great. But yes, that's always what I wanted the most superfeit. All I wanted was to just be able to walk around and have people go, that's that funny guy. You know, this is the tremendous insecurity that comedians have. This is not a normal occupation. This is the result of severe mental illness. Do you know where stand up, I think originated from in my own? I think I've read this. I think did we talk about this? Maybe. Doesn't matter. It was a book written by, you know, Dennis Prager. You know who he is, right? And this guy Talushkin. I think they wrote a book about. Rabbi Talushkin. I have that book. Yeah. So they, I think it's where I read it. But when Jewish people lived in the pale of settlement, which was areas of Russia, Poland, Romania, so whatever those places like Czechoslovakia, all that Ukraine, they lived apart from the non-Jewish people. So on a, you know, whatever night of the week it was, they didn't go into town, you know, to mingle with the other, with the regular people. They stayed in their own little small villages. So they're standing or sitting around and one guy goes, Irving, you got that violin, get up and play. It's Irving plays a song. And then they go, Carol, sing that song with Irving playing this violin. And then they go, Moish, you know, do the impression. You do the, of the Cossack that comes in and rapes your wife all the time. And he gets up and he does an impression. Boy, I know the joke. I have to, but you? Right. So that's how it started. Then I read a book about, and I wish I had the guy's name because it's such a great book about the gulag and how. Solzhenitsyn. No, well Solzhenitsyn, yeah, he did the gulag archipelago. But this was a book written to Menken. It was written about 15 years ago. And I listened to the author on radio and I got the book. It's about the, but the story is about 500 Americans. Did you know that 500 Americans emigrated to the Soviet Union in the 1930s? Did you know that? No, nobody knows this because we were in the middle of a depression. And the Soviet Union, people, a lot of people in America thought that was the next wave. You know, Mussolini in the 20s was I think voted man of the year. So a lot of a lot of socialism was creeping its way into America. So this was a bunch of people. A lot of them were Jewish. Other people were like from Wisconsin. They were factory workers. They were all basically were communists. And they were Russians. Yeah. Wisconsin as well. And they moved to Russia. And and so we've never had emigration. I think now they say that people are emigrating more than ever, but this was the biggest emigration period in the history of the United States. And they went there and everything was like really cool. I think this was 31, 32. And they were had baseball. And they were the whole idea was how they had these baseball leagues. And they would play baseball in the Soviet Union. And people would come and watch. And then after two years, it was really just Stalin's way of toying with these people. And then he confiscated their passports and most of them all wound up in the gulag. They were just and then they couldn't come back to America. And these people, I think about 10 of them got back in the 1950s after Stalin died. And they shut down the gulags to tell their story. But that all the reason I bring this up is they were talking about life in the gulag. And people were, it was horrible. They say the gulags were worse than the concentration camps in Germany during World War Two in late, yeah, in World War Two. So they were talking about how you would just get bread. And when they give you your meal, the real hardcore people in the gulag would beat you up just to take your bread. So you would just die. You know, you would just, you would just be beaten to a pulp. So they would beat you with their bread. Yeah, yeah. That's how bad it was. It was just so bad. So anyway, the only reason I get is they're talking about this one guy. He had all his teeth knocked out of his mouth, but he didn't die. He was skinny. He was like six feet one. And he was real skinny. And he should have been beaten to death. But what he could do was he could do impressions. He was one of the Americans. So they would say, I think his name was like, let's say Levinsky. They'd go, Levinsky, do guard Igor when he's pissed off. And he would get up and he would do, and he made all these thugs in the gulag. His fellow prisoners laugh. So then what they did was they protected him and they beat up other people to get their bread to give to this guy Levinsky. And it's just one of those weird, weird stories. These are just things I pick up and read. So it was basically a dinner show. A dinner show? You betcha. That's what I used to say about El Pollo. You remember El Pollo local? I loved it. I loved El Pollo. It was my favorite place on Sunset and La Brea. And my joke was, you eat your chicken. They arrest people out in front. They ruin the show. That was one, but I can't do that joke anymore. That was one of my best, that was a great joke. Well, this was fantastic. Thank you. We didn't tell any stories today. Well, you know, you've got me, I didn't understand the concept of your show and you've explained it to me. It's like an all night chat. So there is no reason to hammer, hammer anything. And we still made each other laugh and we talked about crazy stuff that people don't normally talk about. So yeah, I'm in the groove. Anytime you need me. How do people reach you, by the way? You can get me on Facebook. And my email address is brucevodkaatyahoo.com. That's B-R-U-C-E-V-O-D-K-A at yahoo.com. Vodka because Smirnoff vodka. There you go. That's right. One day we're going to spend an hour you telling the story of being the greeter at Rich Jenny's Wake. Oh, you know, I'm still so tight with the family. I have to think about that one because I don't ever want them to hear it because it's getting a laughter at the expense of a funeral. But it has nothing to do with the, you know, it just, it's just me. But yeah, we'll figure something out. But that's, you know, we lost the weirdest. Boy, did that have to cast the characters at that funeral. Yeah. It was 10 years ago. Yeah. Well, I, you know, I talked to them every day. I was just with his brother as my dear friend and he's in a plane right now going back to Brooklyn. He comes down here and does some business. But yes, they will never get over it, unfortunately. It's just a terrible tragedy. And he was one of the, he was, you know, Jackie Mason was a big fan of Rich. You know, he said that guy is as good of a writer as I am. You know, no question. He was right. You know, yeah. And he was somebody who just kept turning it out and turning it out. He could, he had, what did he have about six between Showtime and HBO, about six specials, five, six specials, and one better than the, one better than the other. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and he had an arsenal. He reminded me of Robin. Well, I don't want to say anything. Let's just leave it at that. Okay. Talk to you next week, sir. Thank you, David.