 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan assay of Jonathan assay calm And I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today our topic the five steps So you can be seen really valuable in his eyes those five steps make you seem really valuable in his eyes Now really quickly if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new content and if any time during this live stream or if you're watching the recording I share something that resonates with you. Please do me a favor and hit that like button as well All right, we're gonna talk about those five steps to become really valuable in his eyes now really quickly first If you're listening to the recording, I'm gonna cover the content first and then I'm gonna open it up for questions So don't worry. We're gonna do the content first and we're gonna open it up to questions And this will probably go for close to an hour for the Q&A All right, so let's talk about those five steps to become valuable in his eyes So let me differentiate first off kind of the difference between people who are emotionally mature Versus those people who are emotionally immature Now I want to be candid with you I personally believe that the vast majority of the population has weak Skills in the sense of emotional maturity. They have weak skills or almost non-existent skills Now that's different than someone who's emotionally unavailable I'm talking about actual skills to talk about their emotions their actual skills to Interact with another human being from a grown-up perspective and when I talk about grown-up I'm not talking about someone who pays their bills on time that shows up at work at time That's diligent in their professional life and that sort of thing I'm talking about their emotional life when it comes Interpersonal relationships and what I mean by that is when we interact with another human being and this is so critically true especially in romantic relationships and I believe that the vast majority of men and women alike have weak Emotional skills, okay, and if you really want to be seen valuable in a person's eyes It starts by being emotionally mature Let me repeat that it starts by being emotionally mature and whether it's the man or woman in relationship the best Relationships are when two grown-ups enter into a relationship and if you follow my work, you know I'm going to talk about books in fact I repeat a lot of the same I share and repeat a lot of the same books because These are foundations. I believe everybody should be reading So I want to start by recommending everybody add this to their bookshelf called how to be an adult Relationship how to be an adult in relationship Because what's happening today is the vast majority of men and women alike are dating like children Because we've adopted this belief that we have you know that chemistry By the way, thanks for the super chat but chemistry leads to relationship success You know and and quite frankly that is the furthest thing from the truth Chemistry is just the icing on the cake to having a successful relationship So if you really want to be seen valuable in someone's eyes, it starts by demonstrating your emotional maturity And there's five areas that I talk about Particularly now let me just say this ladies if you're doing these five things and you're with a man Who doesn't do these five things then you're in a mismatch relationship You're going to be in a relationship So you might be seeing valuable in his eyes, but you're not going to see him valuable in your eyes So what i'm about to share is interchangeable. It's designed for both men and women alike And number one it starts with your actions matching your words your actions matching your words consistently And sadly a lot of human beings Tell white lives they tell and because it's it's sometimes easier to get permission Or excuse me. It's easier to get forgiveness for someone than permission. So we oftentimes many of myself included I've yet to meet a person who hasn't expressed a white lie in their life But what i'm talking about in relationships is that your actions are consistently matching your words If you say you're going to go out with someone you go out with someone If you say you're going to be on time, you know for the date then be on time for the date, okay And this is a judgment I have about women because I know a lot of women oftentimes Are late for a date, but if you're going to stay and you're going to be somewhere out of time then be consistent This is just one example and I know ladies you want the same thing for men because what makes a man In your eyes is someone's whose actions consistently match their words and I'm a big proponent is that while You know While most human beings are flawed and most human beings have issues We can certainly lead by example lead by example. That's what I want to talk about today is leading by example By the way, yoga. I want to thank you for your super chat. I'll answer your questions shortly. Okay Number two and this is critically important. I see so many women That don't do what I'm about to share Is that you have victor consciousness and not victim consciousness Sadly the here in the united states And I can only speak for united states. We are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness I mean people are just they're victims of everything going wrong. There's a victim of In other words, I you know, so few people take personal responsibility for their part in relationship I'll give you an example. I was with the cheater. I was with the liar. I was with a narcissist Taking ownership being that's that's okay. Yes, that's an experience that you have And certainly if you point the finger at someone else being wrong and that you are a victim of their bad behavior That's not that's not victor consciousness victor conscious takes ownership For example, I was in a relate, you know, I'm making this up right now But you're in a relationship with a person who was verbally abusive for several years Well, you kind of ended that relationship, you know after the third time that they were verbally abusive So the fact that you stayed for two years beyond that I'm using that as an example and I'm not In any way condoning verbally abusive behavior But you stayed So take ownership of that part take ownership. In fact in the dating process one of the things I pay I'm going to tell you ladies. I'm a single man out dating one of the things I'm listening for Is do they take ownership for the reason why the relationship ended or do they point the finger at the guy If they're pointing the finger at the guy that is a humongous turnoff to me because what it tells me is They don't take responsibility for their part whether the guy cheated. He was a liar. He was a narcissist Whatever he was a ghost or all that stuff Take ownership on your part because that's attractive to another human being whether and I again remember I said this was interchangeable. So let me ask you ladies Are you attracted to a man who has victim consciousness or victor consciousness? Please let me know Okay, number three And this is where a lot of couples get hung up on Is they don't know how to do what's called fighting fair fighting fair and what I mean by fighting fair Is that when a relationship is going to have friction? There's going to be disagreements There's going to be friction in every relationship What's most important is do you listen to your partner's point of view? And do you accept their point of view as being true for them? Okay, let me repeat that. Do you accept your partner's point of view as being true for them? It doesn't necessarily mean it's the truth. It's just true for them And an emotionally grown-up person listens to another person's point of view accepts their point of view as being true for them And they also and that your partner does the same for you because when you're having conflict It's not about being right and this is where a lot of men and women get hung up on It's always I have to be right instead of being happy And if you want to be seen incredibly sexy in another person's eye Then be a person that's working on resolving the problem Instead of trying to to to put your stake in the ground and say I'm right. You're wrong If this is resonating with you, please let me know hit that like button because more likes more people get to see this video all right number four and This is this is something I think women do a lot of so I'm just going to be candid with you And this is in the area of empathy empathy, but empathy isn't just I feel your feelings empathy means I care about your feelings and women are actually rather good at this They genuinely care about a man's feelings, but this is where they get tripped up Is empathy is also not at the expense of your own feelings I'm going to repeat that empathy is not at the expense of your own feelings and what a lot of women do Is they put they literally Make the man's feelings the priority in their life And more so they make the man's Feelings about them the priority of their life. In fact here and again, I'll go back to united states We've literally adopted the belief is I need you to love me For me to feel good about myself And the minute you become dependent on so if you're if you care about a man's feelings And then you make his feelings dependent about your feelings that is ridiculously unattractive It is so unattractive and whether a man does and that's basically the the the line between neediness So it's okay. So what's attractive is caring about another person's feelings Not at the compromise of your own feelings. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know hit that like button And number five And this is critically important is transparency If something is material to the relationship Then I believe transparency means you're going to share What's important to the relationship and let's say for example in the early dating stages It might be transparency might be sharing that you've been unfaithful in your previous relationship It might be sharing that you have an std. That's an example of transparency Okay, but I want to go deeper in the transparency. Let's talk about your one month two months three months into the relationship And now you're having doubts about the relationship rather than stuffing it underneath the rug Which most people do and the more you stuff something under the rug the more you stuff something under the rug The the harder it is for two people to connect So if it's material and transparent if it's material to the relationship Then please speak up because your partner will have a better chance of If you're with someone who wants to be in partnership with you you have something to work with to make this relationship shift From a relationship where everything gets swept under the rug versus something that's dealt with Is this sinking in is this resonating with you? Please let me know by hitting that like button so I can see it on the meter there So just to recap and then we're going to take questions in a second The five steps to being seen valuable in any human being's eyes is number one your actions consistently matching your words number two You have victor consciousness and not victim consciousness Number three you learn how to fight fair. It's not about being right. It's about being happy Number four empathy, but empathy isn't just about caring about your partner's feelings It's doing so not at the expense of your own boundaries of your own standards of your own feelings And number five is transparency if it's material to the relationship Then speak up and as I said earlier Men should be doing this just as much as women and when two people are doing this together You're going to be seen valuable in each other's eyes And I hope that helped you but those are watching the recording. I covered that now We're going to go into q&a, but before we go into q&a. I have a personal share with you So I I had a post in the community section that I I want to thank everybody for the beautiful comments You share it to me because I went very vulnerable With everyone and I'd like to read it out loud and share some more personal thoughts before we go into the q&a And just as a reminder if you're going to ask a question either purchase a super chat Purchase a super sticker and write your question there or write the word question And then post it because I do miss a lot of the questions So write the word question then post your question, but I want to read this to you It's going to take me about a minute to share But I posted a meme I posted a meme that said I'm afraid of letting you get close enough to notice the cracks in my flawed heart Scared you'll see the things I hate about myself Terrified at the thought of you walking away So I try to keep I try and keep you at a safe distance They say that love is blind, but I just can't take the chance And this is what I'd wrote Why dating feels hard for me Jonathan Asley I said my desire for connection and intimacy budding up against the inner pain I feel This pain causes my behavior to be unpredictable and perceived unkind at times because I'm floating in a sea of uncertainty Therefore there are moments when I wonder if I'm a good dater Sure, I could say it's because I'm a grieving parent Still my pain goes deeper than that because it's a combination of past hurts Fantasy expectations biological drive unhealthy social scripts Which are budding up against my inner value system to be a good person And yes, I'm a grieving parent too One minute. I want to be in a relationship in the next minute. I want to run away My heart yearns for a life partner and yet everyone is a stranger to the inner me It doesn't feel safe to open up because god forbid my humanness comes out making all kinds of mistakes Add to this my professional life as a dating coach and the burden of trying to be perfect is overwhelming It's tiresome like I have to be responsible for everyone else's feelings when I can't tell if they even care about mine Cognitively I know dating is a dance of getting to know someone And until two people know each other Like each other and trust each other. It doesn't feel safe It feels terrifying to open up and yet I want to be held so badly that it hurts So I ask myself. How can I be in the relationship with another if I'm this fucked up? Can anyone relate? I had hundreds of comments from so many of you sharing how you related to this And I want to say thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I I shared this just to demonstrate That the dating process is hard because many of us are budding up against our social script our imprinting our biology and then our woundedness And also adult traumas and our adult traumas can be many from divorce through through job loss through Through physical ailments through the loss of a child like what I experienced and if you're not familiar with who I am And I this is my son Connor who passed away A few years ago and as a parent it's scary sometimes to open up to someone because a lot of people can't understand What this pain feels like And so I'm just saying this out loud There's nothing easy about the dating process. It's not about just sitting back in your feminine energy and everything will magically work out It's going to require heavy lifting and that heavy lifting starts within it starts by being that emotionally mature person I talk about that's why I recommend this book how to be in a grown-up in a relationship It's the reason why I wrote my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway? This was birthed by the loss of my child and I share this with you because self-love is the antidote to inner suffering And it doesn't necessarily mean that we don't have bad days We all have bad days. By the way, there's a link to all my books in the jonathan recommends books there So, um, I want to fix this lighting Um, so there's a link to all my recommended books below in the jonathan recommends Or if you want to get my book self love the book dot com By the way really quickly of my content resonance with you check out the link to a free discovery call Check out my membership called midlife love mastery. All the links are in the description if you want to learn more about working with me All right, let's jump into the questions right now when I see a super chat. So uh from yoga preacher. So bear with me um First off celeste. Thank you so much. Um I want to and yoga preacher writes not to pick on them But I believe the vast majority of men are lacking emotional intelligence Men need healing, but they have to admit that too. We single women are waiting for the healed man So yoga preacher I'm in full agreement men and women Here's the thing yoga teacher Women just are as equally as Have a weak emotional skills as men This isn't just because women might be more emotional doesn't mean that they have Uh, a real control on their emotions. Okay, and I don't control is not the right word Really have the same tools just because you can talk emotionally to your girlfriends Doesn't mean that you're talking on an emotionally healthy level and I say this because Most humans are are are myopic in their in their in the lack of understanding that they're selfish Most humans are actually rather myopic and selfish Women are just as selfish as men in the dating realm. Now. I don't mean it from a Hurting someone else type of thing, but they don't realize that we opt. It's it's very human nature to operate from What's in it for me? Okay That's just the way humans operate It takes a whole another layer of emotional maturity to step into not only It's about my feelings, but my partner's feelings as well And just because women might do that they often do it at their own expense, which makes them emotionally immature Okay, so I'm I'm not by the way. I know it sounds like I'm yelling. I'm just passionate about this piece Is that yes, I'm here to encourage everybody every human being men and women alike To do personal development self-help and spiritual work So they can actually lean into loving on themselves So they can actually become a better partner for another human being and Choose someone who's aligned to who they are and what they want. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know So yoga yes, it is true about men and women too And I'm speaking as a man out in the dating realm I can tell you that 99 out of every hundred women I connect with on a dating app are rather emotionally immature I'm exaggerating that number, but it's just to illustrate a point. Okay men and women alike suffer You know the number one emotional health issue almost everybody is faced with is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable I'm not likeable men and women alike So just because there's this belief just because women buy these books that maybe at a greater number Doesn't make them any better at it unless you've done the work Okay, you can have a book on your nightstand, but if it's never been open it doesn't count Okay, that's just my perception. So I want to thank you so much for posting that question um All right, leaf. I want to say hi diana. I want to say hi. I am amazing I want to say hi attila. I want to say hi kasey. All right Uh yoga says thank you for these videos. Okay diana writes Um, sometimes you have to admit that you have a bad picker when it comes to men in relationships Yes, that's true. We have to take ownership when we make bad choices That's that's victor consciousness and not victim consciousness when we say hey, I take ownership for choosing that person That is actually sexy Okay, when we own our stuff when we own our shit that is a turn on That's what makes us seem valuable in another person's eyes. I hope that's making sense All right, if you have a question post your question and then write the question thereafter Deb, thank you. Definitely victor consciousness. Everyone keeps saying they're victor consciousness One thing I love about okay. Happy. Oh no writes um One thing I love about my significant other is that he will immediately admit if he's wrong about something and will accept the same for me Yes, that's grown-up behavior. That's how two mature grown-up people approach the process In fact in the book eight dates by dr. John and julie gotman Eight dates by dr. John and julie gotman. There's a link in the description below One of the chapters in this book Is centered around hold on. Let me pull it up. Let me pull it up It's called Agree to disagree addressing conflicts agree to disagree now I don't believe in fully agreeing to disagree. I'm a big believer Is that now what I mean to say is? Express your point of view accept your partner's point of view as being true for them Agree with their point of view and they should do the same for you So you can agree to them. It is important Doesn't mean you're gonna have a resolution per se But one argument probably outweighs the other And what grown-up people is they look they look inside and go Oh, I see your point of view. Okay, that makes sense and the other partner goes. I see your point of view Okay, how then can we find our commonality? How can we find common ground? This is why I'm a big believer of reading this book Nonviolent communication by marshall rozenberg if you haven't purchased this book I highly recommend it teaches you how to have grown-up conversations and ladies Few not that many women buy this book as much as men either So I'm here to say when you learn how to communicate better you're going to have better results When there's friction and there's conflict. So I hope that sinks in All right, so thanks so much for your question. Happy yona Patricia writes tell the truth regardless of consequences Here's the thing about truth I get if it's material to the relationship I think it's very important to share All right, it's but in my book It's the chapter one is speak your truth do it with kindness Okay, I'm going to say if you're going to share a truth do it in a kind loving way Okay, all right. Let's see if you have a question um All right Oh yoga says thank you for my letter. Thank you so much. I really appreciate everyone being allowing me to share I just wanted to say out loud what I was Experiencing in that post and I hope you found value in it. And if it related to you, I really appreciate that Happy onus says how can I how can I ways to be more transparent with an anxious attachment? I'm often afraid that if I rock the boat Will make me too much too much to deal with my significant other is quiet quite serious about being open with them so Divorces site one of the things that most divorce site is the stuffing under the rug of our feelings Okay, stuffing under the rug our feelings So as I said before if it's material to the relationship material to the relationship And you speak your truth with kindness There's a chapter also another chapter in my book called if it's sincere and from the heart You can never say the wrong thing right person if it's sincere and from the heart You can never say the wrong thing to the right person The wrong person if you're by the way ladies if you're in a relationship where you're walking on egg shells to express yourself You're most likely not in the right relationship. I'm gonna repeat that if you're walking on egg shells And you're afraid to speak up then you're most likely not in the right relationship because let me tell you something When a guy really likes a woman and a guy really really really likes a woman You can make tons of mistakes and it's okay and there's no by the way There's no such thing as a mistake But what I mean to say is you can stick your foot in your mouth and that's okay So long as it's coming from a sincere heart centered space if it's coming from fear if it's coming from Unhealthy ego you can absolutely sabotage relationship But usually if that's happening It's probably because you're not in the right space to be in a relationship because again if you speak from the heart And the person runs away. They weren't your guy. Does that make sense? I hope so happy happy yona All right, if you have a question post the word question Or buy a super sticker in a super chat Um yoga writes look at the churches 99 of women. I go to omega institute Or or cap allure the largest yoga retreat camp in the country or the healers attend all the women. All right, so I understand that yoga tends to be more of a female oriented type of Place to go for spiritual healing, but there's all kinds of other places So for example, I did what was known as the hoffman institute the hoffman institute This is a deep dive in your childhood wounds and traumas And I went to a eight-day retreat and guess what? There was 21 men and 19 women at the retreat 21 men and 19 women at the retreat and by the way They're not seg they don't set this up by gender I've been to more I went to an abraham hicks um Workshop and I I can guarantee you that well over 50 percent of the people there were men Okay, so I can understand that maybe that particular place might get yourself more to women because there's a yoga component to it All right, but there are plenty of other workshops if you go to a tony robbins workshops Significantly a number of men these other retreats. So here's the thing Men and women are doing the work Okay, they but here's what a lot of people do they go to these places for a quick fix What they're not doing is the consistent work It's a daily practice a personal development self-help and spiritual work And that's what I want to encourage everyone to do on a regular basis. Okay all right Um men never go to the doctors, uh, you know, I mean again, we can parse things out But I'm just telling you from my experience as a man There's just as many we you know emotionally weak skilled women as there are men Uh, I am amazing says question. How do you let a man gently? How do you let a man gently? When you know, it's not a good fit. I'm assuming you say how do you let a man down gently if you know, it's not a good fit great question Um, you send him a text message saying it's over. I'm just kidding. By the way My mug says let that shit go. I'm drinking coffee today. It's not happy hour yet I mean, well, it is happy hour, but I'm not I'm not partaking in any alcohol I will be doing an edible later and smoking a joint when I'm that's for me to help me go to sleep Hmm How do you let someone down easily gently? I think you know quite frankly if a relationship is over But I recommend is using what's known as the orio cookie the orio cookie the orio cookie means you start with something sweet You give the filling and then you end with something sweet. It might be hey tim Um, you know, I just want to say how much I've appreciated. Um, Uh, I appreciate you. Uh, you've been a fantastic person in my life And there's something I have to share with you. I've reached a point of recognizing that we are not in alignment on our relationship I think we're in two different places in our lives and Um, as much as I like you and I care for you and I know you like and care for me This doesn't work for me And so I'm moving on and I I want to make this transition as easy as possible for both of us Um, I think you're a wonderful human being. I want to wish you all the best, but this is where I'm at Okay That's how I would do it. Okay now I had I had a conversation like this with a woman who I basically said I wasn't feeling it And I was being I wanted to be transparent. I said I wasn't having I wasn't this was after about nine dates nine or ten dates I just realized I just wasn't feeling Real love for her. I was actually after our first couple dates. I started to go backward But I I wasn't 100 sure But I felt like I could start feeling our differences I started to move the other direction and that's what I simply told her. I said, I think you're a wonderful person I'm just not feeling it and I don't want to be unfair to you by continuing if I'm not feeling What I should be feeling at this point And that is not the word love but feeling a greater sense of like And it was a hard pill for her to swallow But you know what I think we have to just be grown up about this again be grown up about it It's not a you can't hurt someone else's feelings Only a person can make up a story that hurts their feelings She might make up a she might have made up a story was I ended it with her So she might say something's wrong with her and her feelings get hurt But that's on her because unless you have to call a doctor an attorney or a policeman I'll repeat that unless you have to talk to a doctor You have to call a doctor attorney or policeman. You can't really hurt someone So just be open and transparent only they can then feel hurt based on how they perceive the events But unless you smack them upside the head you can't hurt them I mean, I guess we can be verbally abusive, but quite frankly this goes back to boundaries and remember I said Have healthy boundaries in your life. Is this sinking in? I hope so All right. Do we have any more questions? Again, write the word question or buy a super sticker So Casey says, how do you ask the ask wait? How do you Ask the right questions to know if a guy is ready for a relationship. So Casey, that's a great question I'm going to tilt my screen a little bit here So one of the things in my private coaching practice is I teach women how to debt for emotional maturity I put together a program check out the link to a free discovery call with me But how to determine someone is ready for a relationship? Some of it you have to observe their you know are do their actions match their words Do they have victor consciousness? Do they have victim consciousness? Do they do they act like they have to be right or they're looking to be happy? These are just a couple things But for the most part Ultimately, it starts by asking a very simple question. Everybody write this down. This is critical write this down Ask everybody before the penis ever gets to go inside the vagina Ask him. What does commitment look like for you? And how do you know how will you know you're ready for commitment? bump bump bump What does commitment look like for you and how will you know when you're ready for commitment? This is a very ninja level advanced question to ask someone I'm going to guarantee that nine out of ten guys are deers in the headlight They don't know how to answer this question because they haven't given thought to it So here's what you tell a guy write an essay Describing what it means to you if you want to if this is before you know, in other words, you put it out there And if you want to have sex with me, you got to answer these questions now I'm being tongue-in-cheek here But my point is start asking deeper questions in the dating process. You don't need to ask, you know You know had what was I I was reading some Coaches or someone's documents that are like, how do you how will you feel about your life five years an hour? What was the most important accomplishment in your life? All right, great. Those are good questions to get to know someone. I'm Let's cut to the fucking chase How intentional are you in this process or are you just Casually fucking around because most people are just winging it This is what most people do they wing it Instead of being intentional Have a list of 30 questions real deep questions at You know what? I think the dating process should be an interrogation. Okay, not an interview I think it should be an interrogation Now i'm saying this with a smile on my face and what I mean to say by an interrogation I mean ask really good questions instead of just Well, I'll just sit back and my feminine energy because the guy is supposed to be chivalrous and he's supposed to claim me And that's what men are supposed to do. They'll just claim that feminine energy woman No, that's not how it works. You sitting back in your feminine energy is all that is is you're sitting back in your feminine energy okay What really matters most is having grown-up adult conversations And so when you two people like each other if a guy likes you and you say to him, hey tim I like you and there's and I think if we're going to explore a relationship. I want us to read this book together Are you open to doing that and actually reading it in if i'm good this book eight dates by dr john and julie gotman or talking about the five love languages? Oh my god, you should be doing the five love language test if you begin dating a god Look at if you got to a third date and you're getting fourth and the fifth date Then introduce this work. It will only scare the wrong guy away Bump bump bump only the wrong guy gets scared away an emotionally immature guy gets scared away A person who's emotionally ready Because look at most of you have been indoctrinated by this stupid book called the rules It's all reverse psychology bullshit reverse psychology bullshit and it's the reverse psychology bullshit That's causing many of you to have a frustrated dating life Now part of it is because as I said before we might be budding up against our wounds and it's very natural to feel afraid That's why it feels hard. I shared from my heart Everybody what I was feeling and part of it was because it was sparked by the loss of my son But i'm also here aware of it and i'm not afraid to tell someone these things start opening up You only scare the wrong person Not the right person I hope that helps Um And I hope that helps you kc. All right Let's see again if you have a question post the word question so I can find it Bianca writes When is it a good time frame to be intimate with a man when you really like and you know, he will not ghost you Okay, what's a good time frame? I think everybody should have sex on the first date. Ah, I'm just kidding. Okay So i'm a guy. That's the way a guy would think right Um, so when is the time to be intimate? I have a simple acronym to help all of you. It's called cares C a r e s cares, okay So the c stands for first and foremost do not have sex with someone unless you feel comfortable The a stands be aware of the consequences and what I mean to say is if you attach to someone very quickly Then be aware of that. You could be attached to someone that you don't know very well The r stands for learn his real intentions his real intentions. This is why asking what does commitment look like for you So when someone says i'm just looking for a casual relationship Well, then ask yourself is that an alignment where you're at because casual relationships rarely go I mean they sometimes go the distance, but it's rare So learn the person's real intentions The e stands for if you're going to have regular sex with someone be monogamous and exclusive with one another And the s in cares stands for safety. That's both, you know, uh, whether it's wearing a condom Whether it's the pill whether it's being safe on your physical body as well as emotional safety cares And when you feel comfortable with all of that, that's a good time to have sex That's my opinion anyway. I hope that answer your question Bianca all right Diana writes what if a man you like pushes you to have sex earlier than you feel ready then stops calling you when you nicely refuse Well, so, you know So what's your point with that question? Yeah, so that's that happens. Okay, you're not ready and he moves on Okay, so what's the real question? I'm challenging you on this because what really matters most is you can judge his behavior Someone who tries to have sex with you doesn't accomplishment We could judge that behavior or what we can say is what did I learn from this experience? What did I learn about myself from this experience? Maybe you learned that you have healthy boundaries And that's a good thing. What are you grateful for from this experience? That's what I'd rather focus on than what's wrong with the not that you said this, but what's wrong with the person Rather focus on what did I learn about myself? What am I most grateful for? That's a more healthy way approach it because that's how a grown-up approaches it Because the victim consciousness points the finger at the other person and makes them out to be wrong And this is where a lot of women I'm going to say this a lot of women are swimming in victim consciousness It's one of the reasons why they're unattractive in our eyes and I'm not saying every woman I'm saying a lot of women. Okay all right Adrienne says I finally got into your feed live feed. Thank you so much. Kathy gave me a super sticker. Thank you so much Kathy Guru says block him dump him. Kathy writes Question I'm very fortunate to have found someone who is ready for commitment But his kids fear that I'm after his wealth. How do I respond to this in a healthy way? A prep So first off, how are you aware that his kids feel this way? Is he the one telling you what his kids feel? Now I can understand why a lot of children will feel that way a lot of people In their second or third marriage get married to someone else And they you know and what happens is that wealth goes to the next person, you know that they marry So a lot of children are concerned about that. I think what's most important is have healthy dialogue It might be something that could if you're going to get that serious in a relationship Maybe a prenup should be discussed Maybe having a meet with an attorney would be a good idea. Those are a couple things you can do But to help alleviate the kids I think what's most important is to talk to your partner as to why his kids are actually feeling this way And how old are these children? Are we talking about six years old or are we talking about 25 year old? And I'm a big proponent that if someone has children that they should create a trust I created a trust for my son that so matter whoever I end up You know meeting in my life and marrying I've set up a trust for my son already And I'm not going to break that trust for anyone else in my life because I designed to give that to him So what I would recommend is your partner create a trust for your children To know what they're going to get and anything that happens if and when that person gets married They can make a choice that that's at least my suggestion. Okay. Hope that helps Kathy Um, I hear static as well. You hear static. Okay. Sorry about that. Um, I don't understand what's causing the static I I don't have anything going on. I'm really sorry about that. Okay, please fix your audio. There's static um I don't know what's going on did it just start the static did it just happen And someone put right and let you know, are you still hearing static? If we are we might have to stop at this point um Okay, total chill girl writes. What about a man who tells you that he wants you to chase him? Um, so I like this question total chill. Um, so there's still static. I'm really sorry. I have no idea what's causing the static um Let me check Okay, testing one two. Oh, okay. So let me go back to total chill What about a man who tells you he wants you to chase him? So what he's really saying is what that man is saying and I can relate to that is I want a woman who makes an investment into the relationship Commensure it to the relation the investment. I'm making a relationship and I don't mean financial investment I mean in the investment of making effort So if he texts you a cute message then the next time you cute text him a cute message If he says something endearing then you say something endearing what he's really saying is he wants you to meet him So he knows you care about him. It's not chasing It's he wants to know that you care about him and maybe there's some sort of avoidant behavior going on within you I'm not saying that's what it is. That's what it could possibly be All right, um says static since the beginning and some lagging. Okay. I am so sorry about that It looks everything looks fine on my screen um Well, you know what if we're having problems and I'm gonna log off for today I'm really sorry. I don't know what's happening. That's causing all the static everything. Uh, I'll see if I can't have it fixed It's uh, probably I'm gonna have to use a different browser next time So maybe this is a good time to wrap up for today Um, everybody, I'm sorry for the static. I'm sorry about the fuzziness. This is just part of technology Um, everyone from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for allowing me to share with you today This brings me a lot of joy to be able to come to your home or your your car or your smartphone and share my My perspective. I hope you have I hope you get value from this I'll definitely work on trying to fix the microphone going forward. So we're gonna wrap up today I hope you again found value in this and I'm gonna sign up as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic job Then bear a hug of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear and give them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love in our lives I want to thank you a bunch and wishing you a super duper wonderful day. Bye. Bye now