 A very good evening to you friends back at home and thank you so much for joining us here at 2254. This is the news highlights and my name is Elisabeth Nguena. So our conversation today is going to be all about breakups, bad breakups for that matter. We're going to look at how we can turn, how we can make a breakup to be a stepping stone to growth or to the next levels of our lives as opposed to allowing it to destroy us, allowing it to give up in life or make bad decisions. So for that discussion with me in the studio, I have a very fiery woman who first has us taking the topic and you're going to be getting her insights on the same. So remember you can follow this conversation on our social media pages at 2254, I try to find a channel that is on Twitter and at Nguena underscore Lizzie on Twitter as well. So at this point I'll give you a chance to introduce yourself. Good evening viewers, my name is Angela Couture. I'm an inspirational speaker and a transformational coach. Okay well thank you so much. Angela, it's always a pleasure having you here at the studio. Thank you. Yeah and thank you for coming. So without, you know, let's just get to the topic. I understand the breakups cause a lot of damage to an individual. So how much, to what extent does it affect someone psychologically, emotionally and socially? I would say that breakups in most cases don't just affect the person alone. It affects, like you say, socially. So the society, the people that maybe they mingle with or do even business with. So it is something that in most cases it affects the person plus the people who are around that person. And I would say it can affect you mostly emotionally and mentally. But some of the breakups can even affect you financially. In cases where you lose money in the cost of a breakup or you end up getting sick and having to go to hospital. So there's a lot of loss that can happen. And so when someone has experienced the breakup, first of all let us look at, I usually, my friends tell me and I've also gone through a heartbreak. And there's that point where you just wonder how am I going to get through this? Like what would you tell a person who is going through that stage where you, yeah. Speaking from experience and even having interacted with many other people. And having even looked at my story even much deeper. Because I was in a marriage that, I can say marriage in courts because it was in a marriage that was, we were in the same level of communication because I was communicating openly and honestly. But he was communicating openly but not honestly. So we ended up breaking up and it was really messy because it affected me so much including my children. Also children are also involved in this breakup. There is no way you can say that you went through a heartbreak and it did not affect your children if you have children. Well no, I just imagine it's much messier when children are involved. You know, you're just not caring for your emotional needs. Now you have added other people who are affected emotionally. Yeah, and even in other cases, when we are in a relationship, many people out there, our friends and our families, if we are in a relationship that is not good for us, they always see and they always tell us. So the breakup will also affect them in the kind of, let's say the way you relate with them. They will keep on telling you, we told you so and nobody likes being told that. Oh yeah, it can make you withdraw at your worst point. Yes, it can make you even withdraw more. And you end up even losing friends and even some of the family members don't look at you the same way. Okay, and so now yeah, my point was at that point, how can you tell a person, how will they deal with this? Like I usually imagine the first, like one week, two weeks, it's different for everyone. But that period of time after it just happened, what can you tell a person to help them overcome it and feel that it's not the end of the world? The first thing that I think people should do is to acknowledge that yes, it has happened. Come to terms with it and accept that it's true, it has happened. Sometimes people cling so much into the relationship that has already ended. Instead of looking at it like, yes, it has already ended and I need to flip the next page of my story because we are here to write stories or maybe God is using us to write stories. And know that story has ended or that page has ended. So you need to flip your page and start writing a new story. So first accept that it has happened, acknowledge. Then now start looking deeper into yourself and ask yourself, what did I do to contribute to this breakup? Because if you do not take responsibility for things that happened to you and nothing happens to us without us contributing to it. So if you do not take responsibility for that, then you end up even start blaming other people, the person who has hurt you and even other people who are around you. You can tell me, those who didn't tell you that it was wrong, why didn't you guys tell me that you should have done this and that? Instead of taking that responsibility and acknowledging yes, it is my responsibility to take care of myself and not to allow people to treat me the way they did. Well, we have common way millennials approach breakups. So most of the time when someone has broken up with a partner, you'll find them mostly talking about talking ill of their person and their family. You'll find them, you know, they just want to sleep around with other people, they fake healing. Like, you know, you get someone it's just a few days after and they are like, I am 100% okay. I'm ready to get into the game. Or you find others who go, who find refuge in drug abuse and alcohol. So what would you comment first on your state of mind? And then, yeah, these coping mechanisms really? Yeah, some people range so much and they even end up abusing. And many times you find that it's like these people are not really moving on. They are not able to even start moving on. So it is important to just know what happened and start moving. Start doing something about it. Don't just stick into that hurting position. Acknowledge, accept and start doing something about it. Be yourself deeper. And what is, for these people, I would generally assume this is an emotionally healthy person. We usually not deal with it like this. So by default this is an emotionally ill person or unhealthy person. Emotional intelligence is quite a bit low. So you should work on your emotions, your anger, and know that you can hardly make the right decisions or even have the right thoughts when you are angry. Yeah, so what you are saying is the first thing is to look inwards. Before I even consider why we broke up, I first consider the anger and what is going on from within. Yeah, you have to look at yourself from a pin and look for the solutions from inside you. The solutions will only come from you. You are the only person who can change your life or take care of yourself. Okay, so talk about coping mechanisms that cause harm to the person who is going through the breakup. I would say staying alone because that's a moment of stress. And many times when we are stressed, you feel that I want to stay alone. I also want to be out with people. But when you are doing that, you are welcoming depression. So I wouldn't encourage anyone to be alone in many of the times. Seek help also. Seek help with the people that you love or even a counselor. Because any trauma, this is like trauma. Any trauma that we go through, we have to seek help. We have to talk to people about it. Yes, yes. Because if you do not deal with the pain, somehow it will come and bite you. Pain that is not dealt with never goes away. So you have to have a way of dealing with that pain. Another way that people do... And on that, can you expand on ways you can give people ideas on ways of coping with it? I would say love yourself. Love yourself first. And know that I am my own rescue. No one can rescue me. And if you do not love yourself, no one will come and love you. So love yourself first. That is the first step. Then after that, maybe now, of course, love doesn't stop, but you have to now keep on... You talk to people like I said, people who can help you. Then I would say, yeah, get out there and put yourself out there. This person is not the end of your story. Put yourself out there for other people to love you. Open yourself up. But even before that, you have to work on yourself. Because earlier I said that you need to look at what you did to cause all that, to cause those issues. What was your responsibility to that problem? Okay, well, Angela, hold that thought. Hold that thought. Let's first of all take a very short break. But don't go too far because you're coming back to hear more on breakups and Angela will be telling us more about her story. Y254, imagine. Welcome back. This is the Y254 News Highlights. And in case you're just joining us, our conversation is about how we can turn breakups or how we can make breakups a stepping stone to make sure that they do not break us. Instead, they steer us to be stronger. And so Angela has been telling us and sharing with us about her story. And at this point, I would want you to tell us how you dealt with your situation or how you dealt with your breakup. I would say my situation was a bit unique because I was cohabiting, I would say, a man who was a foreigner. And it was a relationship that was fast emotionally, I would say I was emotionally abused and financially abused as well. So now I had to deal with both those kind of things because this person had, I had invested in his business and it did not work. The business wasn't really a truthful, he wasn't truthful to me. And it was also emotionally abusive because he was promiscuous and he was also, he never used to speak the truth about the things that he was doing. In short, he screamed at all areas that produced insecurities in you or that would have been insecure in you. He screamed at all those areas, like financially destroyed you, maybe financially or affected you emotionally. Then there was also the weight of having a child before I met him. So even the child was also in the mix of all this breakup. So that's why I say mine could have been a bit unique from other breakups. And initially I was in denial. That's why I'm telling people do not be in denial. Don't say that it can't happen to me or no, I know this person. The way you knew that person just take their wrongs and understand them and see and accept that it has been done to you. So because I was in denial it took me so long for me to accept that this person is not good for me until a time when now a lady called me from the other end while he had already left. He had left me actually pregnant and he left me broke. At that time I wouldn't say we were not in good times, but we were still talking because I thought we were still in our relationship. And a year down the line after he left someone called me, a lady called me from his country and she told me that they've been married for 10 years and this guy has been lying to me and all that and his family has been lying to me. So it was now like a trauma after trauma because he had left already. And one year down the line you're still not seeing the weight and the heaviness of the situation. Yeah, and even in between the time he left and the time I knew about that there was a lot of lies because initially we had agreed he comes back, he never came. We agreed again, we relocate to where he is and he never actualized that. So there was a lot of lies and a lot of I would say I was really cornered to a place where I didn't even understand. So now after being in that denial and then now this lady calls me and tells me I was broken, totally broken and broke. So broken, broken, I didn't know what to do. I had a child who is there, two children actually because he had left me pregnant. So I was still in denial for some time but I had good friends so I reached out. So it is very important to reach out to people that really care. So I reached out to my friends, my family and they helped me. One of the friends gave me some work and I managed to make some money and I got a small house that I had to move to. So right now as you tell the story it's a story of victory, it's something you went through, conquered and came right on the other side, even better would you imagine? Yes, yes, I came out stronger, I am a better person. I'm proud of myself for what I've achieved. I had to even work on my children in a way that they would also take it positively and mostly the first born because he was big enough to understand. So even him, I've become a better parent with him because we have a better relationship now because of being able to open up with him. Yes, since Angela time is not on our side trust me this conversation should take an hour or more so give us a final comment on the whole situation on this topic of breakups and advice you can give to many young people out there because I believe we have so many ladies so many young ladies and young men out there who are affected by the same and especially we have touched on the person being a foreigner very many people want that for themselves so give us your insight and advice to young people out there. I would say first of all before you get into a relationship make sure that you have worked on yourself work on yourself so that even when a breakup comes you know that you can handle it so work on yourself so much that you are aware of who you are your emotions are balanced that you can handle anything that happens to you and don't take a breakup like the end of the world every end is a new beginning so don't look at it like a point of despair if you do then you'll remain there while the world is already revolving everyone has moved on and you're still there so make sure that you do not get stuck there. Okay well thank you so much Angela for that discussion and actually for opening up and telling us about yourself so breakups are hard to deal with but when it happens to you please do not stay back reach out to someone, talk to someone look for people who can encourage you and help and lift you up to be better because as we have had it's possible to turn a very painful and bad situation into something golden and to make milestones of growth in your life that's all we had for you today and in case you missed this conversation or you would want to revisit it to our YouTube page that is at Y244 channel we will get the videos of this and much more there thank you, goodnight