 J. E. L. L. Oh! The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston and Phil Harris and his orchestra. The orchestra opens the program with Don't Cry, Sweetheart, Don't Cry. With the start of the new year, the makers of Jell-O want to thank all of you for your splendid support during the past year. And we're going to continue to do our very best to deserve it during the coming year. We also want to start our new year with a special welcome to our many new listeners in Canada. We're very proud that 24 Canadian stations are being outed tonight, which will bring this program to thousands of listeners who have not been able to hear it before. So for our old audience as well as our new, we're making two new year's resolutions. The first, to bring you the best programs we can. The second, to help you serve the best desserts we can. And you'll find that Jell-O will help you in a big way. Jell-O is so inexpensive and so quick and easy to prepare, and it tastes just grand. So here's to more delicious desserts all through 1938 with Jell-O. Don't Cry played by the orchestra. Now, ladies and gentlemen, 1938 is with us. And who do you think is standing here at the microphone waiting to greet you one and all? Is it Fred Allen? No. Is it Ginger Rogers? No. Is it Clark Gable? No. Is it Jack Benny? No. I mean, yes. Jell-O again, this is me talking. Thank you. Well done for a minute there. You had me guessing. And now, folks, before we start the ball rolling, I want to wish you all a happy new year. And you two, Don, I hope you have health, wealth, and prosperity. Well, thank you, Jack. And I hope that 1938 will bring you a lot of happiness too. I hope so, Don. And incidentally, I'm going to start the new year off with a clean slate and pay up all of my old debts. Here's that quarter I borrowed from you last June when I wanted a cigar. You remember that, Don? Oh, yes, Jack. Yes, thanks. Now, how about that $10 I loaned you yesterday at the racetrack? Well, that's this year, Don. You'll have to wait until 1939 for that. But don't worry about it, kid. Well, I'll try it out, too, Jack. And by the way, what kind of a time did you have New Year's Eve? Did you step out and have any fun? Well, Don, I hate to say this, but I spent the most miserable evening I can ever remember. Oh. Oh, it was horrible. And it was all Phil Harris' fault. Is Phil here yet? Not yet, Jack. What happened? Well, I didn't have anything special to do New Year's Eve. So Phil called me up and asked me to go out on a blind date. I should have had my head examined. A blind date, huh? Yeah, Phil had two girls. His was beautiful. But I wish you could have seen the one he picked for me. She was the homeliest dame I've ever seen. She looked like a smudge pot with rouge. Really, it was awful. Gee, where's Jack? Was she really that bad? Bad. That's the only time I ever saw a human Mickey Finn. I tell you, Don, if that girl gets love letters, Dracula writes them. Yes, sir. Well, who is she, Jack? What's her name? Michael Schmutz. You know, it was the Dolores that fooled me. But really, Don, I can't describe that face of hers. And I sent her orchids, too. Gee, where's, didn't that help? Only the florists. And you know what was so embarrassing, Don? She insisted, she insisted that we go to the coconut grove of all places. Mary was there, and Andy Devine, too. I knew everybody in the room. What did they do? Did they snub you or anything? They got pretty annoying when people would slap me on the back and say, ha, ha, ha, hello, Jack. Believe me, I'm cured of blind dates from now on. Oh, hello, Mary. Happy New Year. Thanks, Jack. Who was that orangutan you were out with the other night? You see, Don, you see, was I exaggerating? Mary Jack was just telling me about that blind date he had on New Year's Eve. No kidding, Mary. Wasn't that the homeliest girl you've ever seen me out with? No. She was, too. You've never seen me with anyone worse than that. Well, at least her mustache was cute. There wasn't a mustache. He was drinking cocoa all night. Cocoa, say, that's a fine drink to buy a girl on New Year's Eve. Well, I was trying to make her fall asleep so I could sneak out. You seem to be having a good time, Mary. Who was that fellow you were with? Oh, a little jockey. I met a Santa Anita. She had the best-looking bow legs. Oh, a little jockey. Was he a good dancer, Mary? Yes, but he must have thought I was a horse. Why? Every time the music started, he wanted to dance piggyback. Oh, that must have been uncomfortable. Well, I didn't mind that so much, but I got pretty tired of that bit in my mouth. Oh, well, he didn't mean anything. At least he took you out and bought you a nice dinner. Yeah, but when he said, let's put on the feed bag, he wasn't fooling. Well, I can see I wasn't the only one who had trouble. Hello, fellas. Hiya, Jack-o-boy. Happy New Year. Keep it. The fine thing you pulled on me New Year's Eve, Phil, Dolores. Are you still beefing about that girl? I ain't writing poetry about her. What a gals. She only had one tooth. What are you talking about? She had a lot of teeth. Oh, yeah? Where were they? On her charm bracelet. Well, if her wrist ever smiles, it'll be a big help to her. And listen, fellas, as long as you invited me, why didn't you let me go out with a good-looking girl? Now, wait a minute. We matched pennies for her, didn't we? No kidding, Jack. Did you really match pennies for Phil's girl? Yes, but even Lincoln was against me that night. Not yet. And not only that, after sticking me with Dolores, why did you make me pay the check? Well, I figured as long as you were stuck that for, you might as well go the whole way. Yeah. Now, just leave me out of those little parties you framed. And now that you're here, my little chum, how about playing a number? I'd be glad to. Thanks. Say, Jack. What? I was just thinking. Dolores would be a nice girl to take to the beach. Why should I take her to the beach? You could cover up with sand. Oh, don't rub it in. Play Phil. You're a little bit late there. You shouldn't start the new year that way. Well, I got here in time to sing my song, didn't I? Yes, but suppose we had moved the song up early around the program. Then Phil could sing it. I know. It's suppose Phil wasn't here. Then you could sing it. That's right. I could. Boy, wouldn't that be awful? Oh, I don't know. I sang a little bit last week and it wasn't so bad. There were no complaints. You did not. Phil and I sang last week and so did Kenny. Well, I... I was there in Murray's Rage. You didn't even open your mouth. Well, I... You had no more to do with that song than Donald Duck. Well, I... What apology? Now, wait a minute. At my party when we all did that group song and the second chorus, I sang a line and so did Andy Devine. Which one was Andy? Oh, well, I'm sorry I brought me up. Anyway, I was talking to Kenny. I started to ask you what kind of a time you had New Year's Eve, Kenny. What did you do? Well, Phil Harris called me up and wanted me to go out on a blind date with some girl called Dolores, but I wouldn't fall for that. Oh, I see. Gosh, I'm not that dumb. Hmm. Anyway, Phil told me he'd get some other guy. He did, Kenny. He did. I was the guy that got hooked. You should have seen her, Kenny. You don't know how lucky you were. What did she look like, Jack? Well, maybe I was too critical. I don't know. She did have a rather nice figure and the cutest way of fixing her hair was combed down over her face. Wasn't it, Mary? Huh? Yeah, but not far enough. I guess I was expecting too much. So what did you do, Kenny? Just stay home New Year's Eve? No, I had a swell time. I went out with my girl and her boyfriend. Oh. Oh, well, three some. You always do that, Kenny. What's the idea? Well, she's trying to make up her mind which one of us she's in love with. Well, I can understand that. She wants to be sure before she takes that final step. How do you stand, Kenny? Oh, I don't think she likes either of us as much as the fellow she's engaged to. Oh, still another one. Say, you've got quite a few rivals on your hands. The way to the fleet comes in. Mary. Well, Kenny, I hope you're the lucky man. You're a nice kid and you deserve it. And now, folks. Happy New Year, everybody. Hiya, Buck! Say, Andy, I didn't think you were going to drop up here tonight. Well, Buck, I've been all around town looking for Paul. He ain't been home since New Year's Eve. Have you seen him? No, I haven't, Andy. I haven't. He called Ma up about two o'clock this morning and said he was flying to Reno to get a divorce. A divorce? What did your Ma say? She said it was darn bad weather for flying. Oh, your Paul probably had one drink too many. He doesn't want a divorce. Well, he better go through with it. Ma just put her wedding ring in the bull's nose. How does the bull feel about it? Oh, he's taking the cow to Niagara Falls. Well, that's quite a romance, your Paul started, some mix-up, huh? Say, Buck, I meant to tell you, I saw you the other night at the cook in that grove. Yes, I saw you too, Andy, but I didn't get a chance to talk to you, you know? That was a nice gal you were with. Yeah. Well, what are you laughing at? What's funny about it? Don't follow me out, you brunger. Well, it's a long story and I'm not going to all through that. Hey, Kenny, you better sing your song before Andy gets hysterical again. Okay, Jack. Sing, Kenny. You know, Andy, I've never seen you around with Miss America. I don't know. The sun is a blazes and down with its feet into beside me and the loans are to guide me and the loans are to guide me from the wide open spaces on those rolling plains. Song by Kenny Baker, a young tenor who was starting out the new year in Fine Petals. And now, folks... Well, Jack, what about all those distinguished guest stars you were going to introduce? Oh, yes, John, and I forgot all about them, but I'll get around to it soon. You better hurry up, one of them walked out. Let them go, what's the difference? Sure, what do you care? Certainly, why should I worry? Wait until you look for your overcoat. Oh, oh, oh! I had my lunch in the inside pocket there. Anyway, before I introduce these stars, I have a big surprise for you fellas. I mean the members of our cast, so listen carefully. Next Sunday night, we are going to do our broadcast from San Francisco. San Francisco? Gee, they didn't know it. Yes, and we're all going up there. We have a lot of friends up north, and we're sure to have a swell time. Say, Jack, I know a couple of cute babies up there you and I can step out with. Oh, no, Phil, I'll do all right. I can find my own dates in San Francisco. Can't I marry? You couldn't find a date in a fruit salad. That's so. Well, just for that, don't ask me to take you out any place while we're up there. Things get that bad, living since slipping. A fine remark to make. Now, is everything clear, fellas? We'll all be up in San Francisco next Sunday. And now, folks... Oh, darn these interruptions. Answer the phone, Mary. Hello? This is Rochester. I'd like to talk to Mr. Benny. Okay. Jack, it's your butler. Oh, hello. What is it, Rochester? What time are we leaving for San Francisco? Well, we're going to drive up bright and early tomorrow morning. We'll leave about 5 a.m. If you want me to go, you better make that 7. Listen, you'll go when I go. And we're going to drive up there in my Maxwell. So put on that chauffeur's uniform I bought you. You mean those gloves? Yes. Now, how are you coming along with the packing? Fine. I put it in your sport coat, your brown suit, and your gray suit. That's good. Now, pack my blue suit, too. Oh, you don't want that. I said pack it. All right, but I'm going to have trouble getting it off your father. Oh, yes, I forgot about that. Well, all right, Rochester. I'll see you later. Say, were there any calls? Yes, some girl by the name of Dolores keeps calling up here in five minutes. But I don't think it's for you. Why not? She keeps asking for lovey-dovey. That's me. I mean tell her I've gone out of town, will you? Now, finish packing, and I'll see you later. Goodbye, Rochester. Toodaloo. Well, I guess that settles that. Oh, Don, how about our guest stars? Are they still here? Yeah, but a couple of them are sound asleep. Well, wake them up, Phil. We'll call on them right after the next number. From Baves and Arms, played by Phil Harrison as Orchard. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we are finally going to present the guest stars you have been waiting for. Each one has a distinct message for you and you and you. Say, Buck, I think I better run along. I gotta find Paul. Oh, stick around, and he'll show up. Okay, but I'm getting worried. Don't worry. Now, folks, as you all know, one of the most interesting subjects under discussion in 1937 was the preparation for that famous picture Gone with the Wind, which up to the present time has not been completely cast. So tonight, we have with us the only woman in the city of Los Angeles who has not been tested for the part of Scarlett O'Hara, Miss Goldie Sponge. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Sponge. Now, Miss Sponge, tell me, are you a native of Los Angeles? I mean, where is your hometown? You mean, where was I born? What was that? I say, you mean, where was I born? Born? Oh, born, yes, born. Were you born in Los Angeles? No. Then, where were you born? In Pasadena. Oh, Pasadena, I see. Now, tell us, Miss Sponge, how does it happen that you were not tested for the part of... How is it that you weren't tested for the part of Scarlett O'Hara? Well, in the first place, I'm a lurzy actress. That, I can see. Were there any other reasons why you didn't get that opportunity? Yes, they didn't like my irk scent. I see. Is there any other reason? Ain't that a nurse? I think it is. Well, thank you, Miss Sponge. You may go now. Hey, where's that five berks? Oh, yes, yeah, here you are. Thanks, jerk. Ladies and gentlemen, with our first outstanding personality, Mary, is our second guest star ready? Yours. That's good. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Say, berks! Yes, Andy? I'm kind of worried. I better go out and look for Paul. Oh, take it easy, Andy. Where could you look for him? Do you think he might be in the police station? Not unless they got a floor show. Oh, well, don't worry. He'll get home. And now, ladies and gentlemen, our... Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? Are you looking for a distinguished personality tonight? Why, yes, I am. Well, if you need a bum, let me know. Goodbye. Well, I must keep him in mind. And now, folks... Well, Jack, put my guest star on next. Well, he's been waiting so long. Sure, Don, I'll be glad to. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce our next personality. A man who ate more jello in the year 1937 than anyone else on the North American continent. This man is 52 years old and has been eating jello for 48 consecutive years and feels as young today as he did in his youth. None other than Mr. J. Rutherford Munch. Mr. Munch. Now, Mr. Munch was my statement correct. Haven't you been eating jello for the past 48 years? Yes, I have, Mr. Benny. And you feel that our product has always been tempting and delicious? I consider jello singularly distinct as to flavor and superlative as to quality. Well, thank you. And what is your occupation, Mr. Munch? I'm a truck driver. Oh. I see, uh... Married, I presume. Oh, yes, yes. And I have three lovely children. That's fine. Thank you, Mr. Munch, for this grand testimony. And what did I promise you for coming up here tonight? A lullipurp. Well, here it is. Goodbye. Good burp. Dear gentlemen, for our big surprise of the evening, a sensational scoop. As you all know, one of the outstanding events of 1937 was that historical flight of those three daring Russian aviators who, in one heroic effort, flew nonstop from Russia to California, a distance of 6,200 miles. What a thrilling adventure. What an amazing feat. What a contribution to the advancement of aviation. Am I right, folks? The world will never forget those men. So tonight, ladies and gentlemen, since we are unable to have these three Russian flyers here in person, we have instead the three Croxmere sisters who will sing, Swing is here to stay. Sing it, boys. Swing is here to sway. You can deny it. So choose your partner and then. And you'll find there's rhythm in romance. It's here to sway. That's enough, girls. That's enough. You can go back to Russia. That's plenty, girls. That's enough. That's enough. I just wanted to know that our audience knew that we deliver the goods. Thank you, girls. Ah, folks, what a flight. What daring. What courage. What baloney. Quiet. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our last and most illustrious guest star of the evening, we have with us a man who, on New Year's Eve, was thrown out of more nightclubs than any one in the state of California. Mr. Pardon me, what's your name, sir? He's called me Playboy Divine. Divine? Why, Paul, I've been looking for you. Hello, Andy. Happy New Year. Well, I'll be drug girl. Play, bells. I can play. Here is a delicious new dessert to start the New Year right, one that you'll want to serve often. It's Jell-O Cherry Pie, one of the most unusual and delicious of pies. Beautiful crimson cherry Jell-O molded in a firm, crisply baked pie shell. And here's what you do. Dissolve one package of cherry Jell-O and chill until slightly thickened. Then fold in two and a half cups of canned red cherries, drained and sweetened. Turn the mixture into a cold, baked pie shell and chill until firm. If you like, you may cover your pie with a topping of fluffy whipped cream. And there you have a pie that the whole family will enjoy and that's so easy to make. For anybody, can make a Jell-O Cherry Pie and be sure of delicious results. Just be absolutely sure that you use genuine Jell-O. For only Jell-O brings you that luscious extra-rich fruit flavor. So ask your grocer for genuine Jell-O tomorrow. Last number of the 14th program of the New Jell-O series and we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time, broadcasting from San Francisco, California. And I'd like to welcome, ladies and gentlemen, those 24 Canadian stations that have been added to our network tonight. Happy New Year to you. Are you still with us? Mary, say hello to our 24 new stations. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. That's enough, that's enough. Good night. Good night. All that appears on the Jell-O program is courtesy of Mervyn and Roy Productions. This is a national broadcasting company.