 Section 0 of Memoirs of Miss Sidney Bidoff This LibriVox recording is in the public domain and is read by Rachel Linton in Bristol, UK. Memoirs of Miss Sidney Bidoff by Francis Sheridan Volume 1. Introduction and Note. Inscription The editor of the following sheets takes this opportunity of paying the tribute due to exemplary goodness and distinguished genius when found united in one person by inscribing these memoirs to the author of Clarissa and Sir Charles Granderson. The editor's introduction. I was invited to pass a month last summer in Buckinghamshire by a friend who paid annually a visit to his mother, a lady pretty far advanced in years but extremely cheerful, sensible and well bred. She lived altogether in the country in a good old-fashioned house which was part of her jointure and it was to this hospitable mansion he carried me. The lady received me very politely as her son's friend and I have great reason to be obliged to him for the introduction. My friend and I generally dedicated our evenings to the entertainment of this obliging lady. She loved reading and was a woman of an excellent taste but as her years rendered that employment not so easy to her as it had been her son and myself usually spared her the task and read to her such authors as she chose for her entertainment nor was she so confined to particular studies as not to allow us to vary our subjects as inclination led us. It happened one evening which was on the eve of the day appointed for our departure that we had made choice of the tragedy of Douglas for our entertainment when a neighbouring lady a sensible woman who had drank tea with us desired to make one of our auditors. After the tea table was removed we entered on our task my friend and I read alternately to relieve each other that we might not injure the performance by a wearied or flat delivery. When we had finished the reading of it they each in her turn bestowed high praises on it but the visitor lady said that notwithstanding the pleasure it had afforded her upon the whole she had one great objection to it. We were all impatient to know what it was. I think said she that the moral which it inculcates is a discouraging lesson especially to youth for the blooming hero of this story though adorned with the highest virtues of humanity truth, modesty, gratitude, filial piety, nobleness of mind and valor in the most eminent degree is not only buried in obscurity by a severe destiny till he arrives at manhood but when he emerges into light is suddenly cut off by an untimely death and that at a juncture too when we might morally speaking say his virtues ought to have been rewarded. We each spoke our thoughts on the subject as opinion led us when the old lady drew our attention which she always did whenever she delivered her sentiments. I should think as you do madam said she if there were not too many melancholy precedents to give a sanction to the fable of that tragedy. I do not say but that the poet who is at liberty to dispose as he pleases of the works of his own creation may as well reward and punish according to the measures of justice established in the world it might perhaps make a better impression and indeed afford a more prevalent example to the generality of young people. I say therefore I do not take upon me to support an opposite conduct as the best but surely the poet who prefers that course may be justified in it from every day's experience. If we always saw virtuous people successful in their pursuits and their days crowned with prosperity there would be more force in your objection but the direct contrary is a truth which everybody who has lived but a moderate number of years must have been convinced of from their own observation. Amongst heathens indeed who looked no farther than this life for good and evil and whose only incitement to virtue was the praise of men or what they called glory such morals might be dangerous but surely amongst us Christians they cannot at least ought not to have any ill effect. On the contrary I think it should serve to confirm that great lesson which we are all taught indeed but which we seldom think of reducing to practice namely to use the good things of this life with that indifference which things are neither permanent in their own nature nor of any estimation in the sight of God deserve. On the other hand to consider the evils which befall us as equally temporary and no more dispensed by the great ruler of all things for punishments than the others are for rewards and by thus estimating both to look forward for an equal distribution of justice to that place only where let our station be what it will our lot is to be unchangeable. It is in this light that I was instructed in my early days to consider the various portions that fall to the share of mankind which very often as far as we can see appear extremely partial and no doubt would really be so where they're not an invisible world where the distributions are just and equal. From this reflection I have drawn comfort on many trying incidents of my life but in none more than the unhappy fate of a lady who was my particular friend and who though a woman of most exemplary virtue was through the course of her whole life persecuted by a variety of strange misfortunes. This lady to use your expression madam addressing her friend to all human appearance ought at last to have been rewarded even here but her portion was affliction. What then are we to conclude but that God does not estimate things as we do it is ignorant as well as sinful to arraign his providence. We daily see its dispensations with our own eyes in the various accidents of life why should we not then allow the poet to copy from life and exhibit to our view events the probability of which are founded on general experience. We are indeed so much used to what they call poetical justice that we are disappointed in the catastrophe of a fable if everybody concerned in it be not disposed of according to the sentence of that judge which we have set up in our own breasts. The contrary we know happens in real life let us not then condemn what is drawn from real life. We may wish to see nature copied from her more pleasing works but a martyr expiring in tortures is as just though not as agreeable a representation of her as a hero rewarded with the brightest honours. We agreed with the venerable lady in her observations and her son taking occasion from her mentioning that unfortunate person who was her friend told her he would take it as a particular favor if she would oblige me with a sight of that lady's story. She answered that as we had fixed upon the next day for our departure there would not be time for me to peruse it but she would entrust me with it to town that I might read it at my leisure. It is drawn up said she for the most part by the lady herself and the occasion of its being so was this. She and I had been intimate from our childhood. We were playfellows when young and constant companions as we grew up. We always called each other sister and loved as well as if we'd really stood in that relation to each other. It was our continual practice from children to keep little journals of what daily happened to us. These in all our short absences were a matter of great entertainment to us. We constantly communicated them when we met or if we chance to be separated by any distance we made a mutual exchange by the post of our little diurnal registers. Having made each a solemn promise not to conceal an incident or even a thought of the least moment from the other. And this promise I believe was religiously kept up during a correspondence of many years. I had a brother about three years older than myself a very promising young man. He was an only son and the darling of his parents. When he had finished his studies my father thought of sending him abroad but his fondness for him made him resolve to accompany him himself. A better tutor or a better guide he could not have found for him. My father was then in the prime of life. He had not other children but him and me. My mother as fond of me as he was of his son and perfectly affectionate to my father expressed her wish that we too should be of this party. She said the thought of a young lady under proper conduct might improve as much by seeing foreign courts in the various customs of different nations as a young gentleman's. I was then about 16. My father readily consented as he perfectly loved my mother and we all four set out on our tour together. It was my lot after I'd been some time abroad to marry an English gentleman then resident at Vienna. This occasioned my continuing there some years and it was during that space of time that I had the occurrences of my friend's life from her own hand. As she had kept up to the method we had agreed on of communicating everything that happened even to trivial matters. It generally increased the bulk of the packets I used to receive from her to a prodigious size. These she sent off occasionally at near or more distant periods of time accordingly as I gave her the opportunity by letting her know our motions. I have from those papers selected the most material parts of her history and connected them so as to make one continued narrative. There were long intervals of time between many of the most important incidents of her life but as the passages which intervened were either foreign to the main scope of her story or too trivial to be recorded in copying her papers they were omitted. I have myself prefixed to her story a very brief account of the lady's family thus much sir added the good lady I thought necessary to premise to you for your better understanding her history which I have never yet shown to anyone but my son. When I took my leave she put the manuscript into my hands with a charge to be careful of it. We returned to town and in less three weeks I had the mortification to hear that this respectable old lady by whom I had been entertained with so much friendship and politeness was dead. Her son my friend was on this occasion obliged to go down into Buckinghamshire. It was some months before I saw him again as he had a good deal of family business to settle. When he came back to London I offered to return him the manuscript which he'd quite forgotten. He told me as he had all the original papers that copy was at my service. I then expressed my wish that it were made public. To this he at first objected as he said there were several persons living related to the parties concerned in some of the principal events of the story who might take umbridge at it. I told him that this might easily be obviated by changing the names of both persons and places which I would undertake to do throughout the whole and I was afterwards so urgent with him to comply with my request that he at last yielded. With his consent therefore I give it to the world just as I received it without any alteration accepting the proposed one of a change of names. Memoirs of Miss Sidney Bidolf, editor's note. Mrs. Catherine Sidney Bidolf was the daughter of Sir Robert Bidolf of Wiltshire. Her father died when she was very young and of ten children none survived him but this lady and his eldest son afterwards Sir George Bidolf. The family estate was not very considerable and Miss Bidolf's portion was but four thousand pounds. A fortune however at that time not quite contemptible it was in the beginning of Queen Anne's reign. Lady Bidolf was a woman of plain sense but exemplary piety the strictness of her notions highly commendable in themselves now and then gave a tincture of severity to her actions though she was everywhere esteemed a truly good woman. She had educated her daughter who was one of the greatest beauties of her time in the strictest principles of virtue from which she never deviated through the course of an innocent though unhappy life. Sir George Bidolf was nine or ten years older than his sister he was a man of good understanding moral as to his general conduct but void of any of those refined sentiments which constitute what is called delicacy. Pride is sometimes accounted laudable that which Sir George possessed for he had pride was not of this kind. He was a weekly constitution and had been ordered by the physicians to spar for the recovery of a lingering disorder which he had laboured under for some time. It was just on his return to England that the busy scene of his sister's life opened an intimate friend of hers of her own sex to whom she revealed all the secrets of her heart happened at this juncture to go abroad and it was for her perusal only the following journal was intended that friend has carefully preserved it as she thinks it may serve for an example to prove that neither prudence foresight nor even the best disposition that the human heart is capable of are of themselves sufficient to defend us against the inevitable ills that sometimes are allotted even to the best. The race is not to the swift nor the battle to the strong. End of section 0. Section 1 of Memoirs of Miss Sydney Bidoff this LibriVox recording is in the public domain Memoirs of Miss Sydney Bidoff by Francis Sheridan volume 1 the journal April the 2nd 1703 my dear and ever beloved Cecilia is now on her way to Harwich how in sippid will this task of recording all the little incidents of the day now appear to me when you my sister friend of my heart are no longer near me how many tedious months will it be before I again embrace you how many days of impatience must I suffer before I can even hear from you or communicate to you the actions the words the thoughts of your Sydney but let me not grow plaintive the style my friend hates I should be ungrateful if I indulged it to the best of mothers who to gratify and amuse me on this first occasion of sorrow which I ever experienced has been induced to quit her beloved retirement and come on purpose to London to rouse up my spirits and as she expresses herself to keep me from the sin of murmuring a vaunt then complainings let me rest assured that my Cecilia is happy in her pursuits and let me resolve on making myself so in mine April the 3rd we have had a letter from my brother George he is landed and we expect him hourly in town as our house is large enough I hope he will consent to take up his abode with us while we stay in London my mother intends to request it of him she says it will be for the reputation of a gay young man to live in a sober family I know not how sir George may relish the prospect as our hours are not likely to correspond with those which I suppose he has been used to since he has been absent from us but perhaps he may not refuse the compliment sir George is not averse to economy how kind how indulgent is this worthy parent of mine she will not suffer me to stay at home with her nay scarce allows me time for my journal Sydney I won't have you stay within I won't have you right I won't have you think I will make a rake of you you shall go to the play tonight and I am almost tempted to go with you myself though I have not been at once since your father's death these were her kind expressions to me just now I am indeed indebted to her tenderness when she relaxes so much of her usual strictness as ever to think of such a thing April the 5th my brother returned to us this day thank God in perfect health never was there such an alteration seen in a man he's grown fat and looks quite robust he dropped in upon us just as we sat down to dinner what a clutter has his arrival made my mother was so rejoiced and so thankful and so full of praises and asked so many questions that George could hardly find words enough to answer the over flowings of her kind inquisitiveness which lasted all the time of dinner when the cloth was removed my mother proposed his taking up his abode with us you see said she your sister and I have got here into a large house there is full room enough in it for you and your servants and as I think in such a town as this it would be a reputable place for you to live in I should be glad of your company provided you do not encroach upon my rules by unseasonable hours or receiving visits from such as I may not approve of the acquaintance of your sister I was afraid Sir George would relish the terms as perhaps some of his acquaintance though far from faulty ones might fall within my mother's predicament but I was mistaken he accepted of the invitation after making some slight apologies about the inconvenience of having so many servants this however was soon got over to say the truth I am very glad that my brother has consented to be our guests as I hope by his means our circle of acquaintance will be a good deal enlarged there is no pleasure in society without a proper mixture of well-bred sensible people of both sexes and I have hitherto been chiefly confined to those of my own I asked Sir George jacuzzi what he had brought me home he answered perhaps a good husband my mother catched up the word what do you mean son I mean madam that there is come over with me a gentleman with whom I became acquainted in Germany and whom of all the men I ever knew I should wish to have for a brother if Sydney should fortunately be born under the influence of uncommonly good stars it may happen to be brought about I can tell you applying himself to me he is pre-possessed in your favor already I have shown him some of your letters and he thinks you a good sensible girl I told him you were very well in your person and that you have had an excellent education I hope so said my mother looking pleased and what have you to tell us of this wonderful man that so much surpasses everybody why madam for your part of his character he is the best behave young man I ever saw I never knew anybody equal to him for sobriety nor so entirely free from all the other vices of youth as I lived in the same house with him for some months I had frequent opportunities of making my observations I have known him to avoid many irregularities but never saw him guilty of one an admirable character indeed said my mother so I thought too but I wanted to know a little more of him now Sydney for your share in the description I must tell you he is most exquisitely handsome and extremely sensible good sense to be sure is requisite said my mother but as for beauty it is but a fading flower at best and in a man not at all necessary a man is not the worst for it however cried my brother no my mother answered provided it does not make him vain and too fond of the admiration of giddy girls that I will be sworn is not the case of my friend answered to George I believe nobody with such a person as his if they can be such another would be so little vein of it nay I have heard him declare that even in a woman he would give the preference to sense and virtue good young man cried my mother I should like to be acquainted with him so should I whispered I to my own heart well brother said I you have drawn a good picture but to make it complete you must throw in generosity valor sweetness of temper and a great deal of money fine my dear said my good literal parent the great deal is not necessary a very moderate fortune with such a man is sufficient the good qualities you require in the finishing my peace answered my brother he possesses in an eminent degree will that satisfy you as for his fortune there perhaps a difficulty may step in what is state madam to my mother do you think my sister's fortune may entitle her to dear brother I cried pray do not speak in that bargaining way my mother answered him very gravely your father you know left her but four thousand pounds it is in my power to add a little to it if she marries to please me great matters we have no right to expect but a very good girl as my daughter is I think deserve something more than a bear equivalent the equality said my brother with a demure look I fear is out of all proportion here for the gentleman I speak of has but six thousand pounds a year he burst out a laughing it was not good-natured and I was vexed at his joke my poor mother dropped her countenance I look silly as if I'd been disappointed but I said nothing then he is above our reach Sidney answered my mother I made no reply have a good heart said cried my brother if my non-parail likes you when he sees you I felt myself hurt and grow red and without a compliment sister seeing me look mortified I think he will fortune will be no objection I have already told him the utmost extent of your expectations he would hardly let me mention the subject he has a mind for my sister and if he finds personal accomplishments answer a brother's perhaps partial description it will be your own fault if you have not the prettiest fellow in England for your husband my mother resumed her pleased countenance where is he let us see him I forced a smile though I did not feel myself quite satisfied we're parted on the road my brother answered he has gone to Bath for a few weeks he has sent his servants in his baggage to town before him and has commissioned me to take a house for him in St James's Square or some of the adjacent streets so that we shall have him in our neighborhood my mother inquired on what account he went to Bath so George said he complained of a weakness in one of his wrists which was the consequence of a fever that had seized him on his journey on their return to England it seems he had finished his travels on which he'd been absent near five years when my brother and he met in Germany the liking he took to Sir George protracted his stay and he resolved not to quit him while his health obliged him to continue abroad they took a trip to Paris together and returned home by Holland the name of this piece of perfection is Falkland Orlando Falkland what a pretty name Orlando is my mother says it is romantic and wonders how sober people can give their children such names now I am dying with curiosity to see this man a few weeks at Bath what business had he to go to Bath to lead first settled his household in London his wrist might have grown well without the pump I'm afraid he's gone to Bath only to show himself and that he will be snapped up before he comes to town I wish that George kept the account of him to himself till he returned to London again April the 7th we have settled to George's economy within doors my mother has been very busy all day and fixing trunks port mantos and boxes in their proper places and in appropriating the rooms for his men which he is taking care should be as remote from those of our servants as the house will admit she says she knows our own domestics to be orderly and regular but she cannot answer for what other peoples may be I begin to recover my spirits my brother's arrival has given new life to the family my mother thinks that in his company with a lady or two there will be no impropriety in suffering me to go at least half a dozen times into public during the season even without the sanction of her presence how kind how considerate is this dear mother I find this was one amongst others of her principal reasons for wishing Sir George to be with us as it will save her from the necessity of going to public diversions which otherwise she would have done rather than have me debarred the pleasure of partaking of them through the want of a proper protector every day lays me under fresh obligations to her April the 20th my brother has had another letter from Mr. Falkland he has been but a fortnight at Bath and already has found benefit from the use of the pump I wish his wrist was quite well I never was so impatient to see anybody but Sydney have a care this heart has never yet been touched this man is represented as a dangerous object what an ill-fated girl should I be if I should fall in love with him and he should happen not to like me should happen what a vain expression was that I would not for all the world anyone should see it but my Cecilia well if he should not like me what then why I will not like him I have a heart not very susceptible of what we young women call love and in all likelihood I should be as indifferent towards him as he may be towards me indeed I think I ought to resolve on not liking him for not withstanding those fine outlines of a character which my brother gave him in the presence of my mother I have since drawn out of Sir George who is always talking of him some father particulars which do not please me so well for I think he is made up of contra rioties nature says Sir George never formed a temper so gentle so humane so benevolent as his yet when provoked no temper is more furious you would imagine him so humble that he thinks everyone superior to himself yet through this disguise have I discovered at certain times a pride which makes him look down on all mankind with a disposition formed to relish and a heart attached to the domestic pleasures of life he is of so enterprising a temper that dangers and difficulties rather encouraged than disheartened him in the pursuit of a favorite point his ideas of love honor generosity and gratitude are so refined that no hero in romance ever went beyond him of this I was convinced from many little incidents which occurred in the course of my acquaintance with him the modesty and affability of his deportment makes everybody fancy when he is in company with them that he is delighted with their conversation nay he often affects to be improved and informed yet there is a slight turn to ridicule in him which though without the least tincture of ill nature makes him see and represent things in a light the very opposite of that in which you fancy to saw them with the nicest discernment where he permits his judgment alone to determine let passion interfere and a child can impose on him though as I have already told you he is very handsome he affects to despise beauty in his own sex yet it is easy to perceive by the nice care he takes in his dress though the farthest in the world from a fob that he does not altogether disregard it in his own person are not these faults yes surely they are yet Sir George protests he has none or at least says if there be such they are not so overbalanced by his good qualities that unless it my you sister flattering creature though that is seldom his failing I don't know the woman that deserves him I did not thank him for the compliment he paid me at the expense of the rest of our poor sex May the fifth a month this past since my brother arrived and mr. Falkland does not yet talk of coming to town if Sir George had drawn half such a flattering picture of me to him as he has done of him to me his curiosity would have brought him here sooner my mother has mentioned him several times and asked when he's to be in town my brother has taken a very handsome house for him in the square we are all in expectation of this blazing stars making its appearance in London if he stays much longer my patience will be so tired that I shall not give a pinch of snuff to see him end of section one section two of memoirs of Miss Sydney bid off this LibriVox recording is in the public domain memoirs of Miss Sydney bid off by Francis Sheridan volume one continued May the 19th six weeks and no news of mr. Falkland's coming I'll positively give him but another week I begin to think myself affronted by his stay May the 23rd now now my Cecilia I can gratify your curiosity at full he is come at last mr. Falkland I mean Orlando is calm we had a message from him this morning to inquire after all our healths he has just arrived at his house in the square so George flew to him directly and said he would bring him without ceremony to take a family dinner my mother bid him do so and she held a quarter of an hour's conference with her cook she's always elegant and exact at her table but we were more than ordinarily so today my brother brought mr. Falkland a little before dinner time and presented him to my mother and me with that kind of freedom that almost looked as if he were already one of the family we had both been pre-possessed highly in favor of his figure a circumstance that seldom is of advantage to persons on their first appearance but here it had not that effect so George did not overrate the personal accomplishments of his friend now you'll expect I should describe him to you perhaps and paint this romantic hero in the glowing colors of romantic exaggeration but I'll disappoint you and tell you that he is neither like an adonis nor an Apollo that he has no higher synthine curls flowing down his back no eyes like sons whose brightness and majesty struck the beholder's dumb nor in short no rays of divinity about him yet he is the handsomest mortal man that I ever saw I will not say that his voice is harmony itself and that all the loves and graces for why should not there be male as well as female graces attend on his motions that Minerva presides over his lips and every feature has its attendant cupid but I will acknowledge that his voice in speaking is inexpressibly pleasing you know how I admire an agreeable voice and his air and motions are easy gentle and graceful his conversation sensible and polite and without the least affectation that thing which all others would to me destroy the charms of an angel in short without hyperbole that he is what everyone must allow a perfectly handsome and accomplished young man I never saw my mother appear so pleased with anyone the polite freedom of his address the attention and deference he seemed to pay to her sentiments delighted her beyond expression I bore no great part in the conversation but was not however quite overlooked by Mr. Falkland he referred to me in discourse now and then and seemed pleased with me at least I fancied so my brother endeavoured to draw me out as he said afterwards the intention was kind but poor Sir George is not delicate enough in these matters I should have done better if he'd left me alone I thought of the conversations we had so often had about Mr. Falkland and could not help considering myself like a piece of goods that was to be shown to the best advantage to a purchaser this reflection through a sort of constraint over my behavior that fall as I was I had not courage enough to shake off and did not acquit myself at all to my own mind I had not withstanding the good fortune to please my mother infinitely she told me after our visitor was gone that my behavior had been strictly proper and blames Sir George for his want to engage me too often in conversation you may assure yourself son she said that a man of Mr. Falkland's understanding will not like a young lady the worse for her silence she spoke enough to show that it was not for want of knowing what to say that she held her tongue the man who does not reckon a modest reserve among the chief recommendations of a woman should be no husband for Sydney I am sure when I married Sir Robert he had never heard me speak 20 sentences Sir George agreed with her as to the propriety of her observation in regard to a modest reserve but said people nowadays did not carry their ideas of it quite so far as they did when his father's courtship began with her and added that a young lady might speak with as much modesty as she could hold her tongue I did not interfere in the debate only said I was very glad to have my mother's approbation of my conduct this put an end to the argument and my mother launched out in high inconions on Mr. Falkland she said upon her truth he was the finest young man she ever saw in every respect so modest so well bred so very entertaining and so unassuming with all his fine accomplishments she was quite astonished and owned she almost spared a finding a young gentleman of the present mode of education so very unexceptionable in his behavior if his morals answer to his outward deportment there she stopped or rather Sir George interrupted her I hope you'll believe madam that my knowledge of mankind is not so circumscribed but that I can distinguish between a real and an assumed character and I will venture to assert that in the whole circle of my acquaintance I do not know one so unobjectionable even in your strict sense of the word morals as Mr. Falkland well said my mother I have the pleasure to observe to you and I think I am seldom mistaken in my judgment that Mr. Falkland is at least as well pleased with Sydney as we are with him what say you daughter I what say you sister cried Sir George I think madam that Mr. Falkland is an accomplished gentleman and and that you could be content to look no farther if matters are brought to bear a Sydney I need not tell you who speech this was brother that is going a little too far for the first time of my seeing him a great deal too far my mother said let us first know Mr. Falkland's mind from him before we say a word more of the matter Sir George told us that Mr. Falkland at going away had requested he would suck with him at his own house as he said he had a few visits of form to pay and should be at home early in the evening May the 24th my mother and I were in bed before my brother came in last night though he keeps very good hours in general when we met this morning at breakfast I saw by Sir George's face that he was brimful of something Falkland don't like you Sydney said he abruptly how can you or I help that brother cried I coloring though to tell you the truth I did not believe him for I knew if it had been so he would not have come out with it so bluntly but my mother who always takes every word she hears literally took him up short if he does not sir it is not polite and you to tell your sister so I hope Sydney may be liked by as good a man as Mr. Falkland and up she tossed her dear honest head Sir George burst out a laughing my mother looked angry she was afraid her sagacity would be called in question after what she had pronounced the evening before I looked silly but pretended to smile Sir George was clown enough to laugh on at last to my mother but my dear madam can you believe me serious in what I said have you so good an opinion of my veracity also ill one of my breeding as to suppose I would shock my sister by such a rude declaration if I meant anything by it but a joke indeed Sydney looking half smiling at me I would not be as much in love with our sovereign Lady the Queen as poor Falkland is with you for my whole estate this put me a great deal more out of countenance than what he'd said at first now brother now you are too extravagant the other way my mother looked surprised but recovered her good humor presently dear George there is a no knowing when you are in earnest and when not but as Sydney says now you are rather too extravagant you might say so to Falkland answered my brother if you were to hear him I could get nothing from him the whole night but your praises I thought said my pleased mother he had not disliked the girl now you see son her silence did her no harm and she smiled tenderly at me come said Sir George things are mighty well on all sides Falkland has begged of me that I would use my interest with you mother whom he thinks one of the best of women that he may be permitted in form to make his address to miss bid off my interest he knows he has and I hope madam he will also have your approbation he desired me to explain my newtly to you every circumstance of his fortune what his estate is I have told you and his family is of known distinction he begged I would not mention Sydney's fortune and said that if upon a father acquaintance he should have the happiness to be acceptable to my sister he should insist upon leaving the appointment of her settlement to lady bid off and myself I told him I would lay this proposal before you and could for his present comfort inform him that as I believed my sister had no prepossessions in favor of anyone else I was sure if he met with your concurrence hers would follow of course a very discreet answer said my mother just such a one as I would have dictated to you if I had been at your elbow I believe we may venture to suppose that Sydney has no prepossessions and as this is as handsome an offer as can possibly be made I have no objections if you have none my dear to admit Mr. Falkland upon the terms he proposes what answer ought I have made Cecilia why to be sure just the one I did make I have no prepossessions madam looking down and blushing till it actually painted me for I was really startled my Cecilian knows I am not approved my dear cried my mother and took me by the hand poor Sydney said Sir George how you are to be pitied Mr. Falkland purposes waiting on you in the afternoon if he is not for bid and he looks so teasingly sly that my mother bid him leave off his pranks the day is over Mr. Falkland spent the evening with us no other company but our own family my mother likes him better even than before thy mother disingenuous girl why does thou not speak thy own sentiments there is an apostrophe for thy use my Cecilia well then my sentiments you shall have you have an undoubted right to know them on all subjects but particularly on this interesting one I do think Mr. Falkland the most amiable of men and if my heart were happily for me it is not very susceptible of tender impressions I really believe I should in time be absolutely in love with him this confession will not satisfy you maybe it is not enough yet in truth Cecilia it is all that at present I can afford you the thoughts of the awkward figure I should make in the evening visit sat heavy on my spirits all day can you conceive anything more distressing than the situation of a poor girl receiving the visit of a man who for the first time comes professedly as her admirer I had conceived a frightful idea of such an interview having formed my notions of it only from romances where set speeches of an L long are made by the lover and answers of a proportionate size are returned informed by the lady but Mr. Falkland soon delivered me from my anxiety his easy but incomparably polite and sensible freedom of address quickly made me lose my ridiculous fears he made no other use of his visit than to recommend himself more strongly to our esteem by such means as proved how well he deserved it if he was particular to me either in his looks or manner it was under the regulation of such a nice decorum that I who supposed I must have sunk with downright confusion was hardly disconcerted during the whole visit June the 10th I do really think my good mother grows so fond of Mr. Falkland that if he goes on at this rate he will get the start even of Sir George in her affections Mr. Falkland said so and so Mr. Falkland is of opinion and I am sure you will allow Mr. Falkland to be a good judge of such and such things to say the truth the man improves upon you every hour you know him and yet I have discovered in him some of those little and they are but little alloys to his many good qualities which Sir George at first told me of the interest I may one day have in him makes me a closer observer than I should otherwise be there is that sly turn to ridicule which my brother mentioned yet to do him justice he never employs it but where it is deserved and then too with so much vivacity and good humour that one cannot be angry with him we had a good deal of company at dinner with us today amongst the rest young seers who has just returned from his travels as he calls it you remember he went away a good humid inoffensive quiet fool he has brought no one ingredient of that character back with him but the last for such a stiff conceited overbearing talkative impertinent coxcomb does not exist his mother who poor woman you know originally made a simpleton of the boy contributes now all in her power to finish the fob and she carries him about with her everywhere for a show we were assembled in the drawing room before dinner in burst for it was not a common entry master seers and his mama the cub handing in the old lady so stiff and so awkward and so ungraceful and so very unlike mr falcon that I pitied the poor thing who thought everybody would admire him as much as his mother did after he had been presented to the ladies for it was the first time we had seen him since he came home he took a turn or two about the room to exhibit his person then applying himself to a picture which hung over the door a fine landscape of claude lorraine which mr falcon himself had brought over and given to sir george he asked my brother in a tone scarce articulate whether we had any painters in england my mother who by chance heard him and by greater chance understood him answered before sir george had time painter sir yes sure and some very good ones too why you cannot have forgot that it is not much above a year since you went abroad for you must know he'd been recalled upon the death of an uncle who had left him his estate I observed mr falcon constrained a very sly laugh on account both of the manner of my mother's taking his question and her innocently undesigned reprimand seers pretended not to hear her but looked through his fingers as if to throw the picture into perspective that is a pretty good piece said he for a copy oh cried his mother there is no pleasing you people who have been abroad are such connoisseurs in painting nobody made any immediate answer mr falcon stepped up to mr seers and with such a roguish humility in his countenance that you would have sworn he was a very ignoramus said are you of opinion sir that that picture is nothing but a copy nothing more take my word for it sir when I was at Rome there was a Dutchman there who made it his business to take copies of copies which he dispersed and had people to sell for him in different parts at pretty good prices and they did mighty well for very few people know a picture and I'll answer for it there are not many masters of eminence but what have a hundred originals palmed upon them more than ever they painted in their lives mr falcon then proceeded to ask him abundance of questions which anyone who did not know him well would have thought he proposed for no other end but a desire of information and the poor cox coom seers plumed himself upon displaying so much traveled knowledge to a wondering ignorant Englishman who'd never been out of his own country the company were divided into little chatting parties as is usual when people are whiling away a half hour before dinner mrs seers my mother and I were sitting together on a couch near enough to hear the conversation that passed between the two gentlemen at least as much as was not sunk in the affected half pronounced sentences of mr seers his mother to whom he was the principal object of attention in the company seemed mightily pleased at the opportunity her son had from the inquisitiveness of mr falcon whom she did not know of showing his taste in the polite arts and often looked about to observe if anybody else attended to them my mother dear literal woman as I often call her to you took everything seriously and whispered to me how pretty that is Sydney how condescending in mr falcon you see he does not make a parade of his own knowledge in these matters but is pleased to reap the benefit of other people's I who saw the latent roguery could hardly contain myself indeed I was amazed at mr falcon's grave inquisitive face and was very glad my mother did not find him out seers elated with having shone so conspicuously for he observed that both my mother and I attended to his discourse proceeded to show away with an immensity of vanity and frothy chat beginning every new piece of history with when I was at Rome or when I was at Paris at last luckily for him speaking of an incident which made a good deal of noise and happened at the first mention place in which two English gentlemen had been concerned he said it was about 11 months ago just before he left Rome my mother who had heard mr falcon relate the same story but with some very different circumstances immediately said mr falcon have I not heard you speak of that you were at Rome yourself when the affair happened and if I be not mistaken it was through your interest with the cardinal of blank that the business was made up if a specter had appeared to poor seers he could not have looked more aghast he dropped his visage halfway down his breast and for the first time speaking very plain and very loud too with a stare of astonishment in Rome sir I was there for a little time sir answered mr falcon with real modesty for he pitied the mortified buzzard and I know the story was represented as you have told it the circumstances differed in a few particulars but the facts were nearly as you have related them how obligingly did he reconcile the out of countenance seers to himself and to the company were you lull abroad pray sir said the coxcomb about five years sir answered mr falcon but I perceive by the conversation I have had the honor of holding with you today that many accurate and curious observations escaped me which you made in a much shorter space of time for the communication of which I think myself extremely obliged to you whether the poor soul thought him serious as my mother did I cannot tell he made him a bow however for the compliment but was so lowered that he did not say a word more of Rome or Paris for the rest of the day and in this we had a double advantage for as he had nothing else to talk of his mouth was effectually stopped except when mr falcon out of compassion asked him as he often did such questions as he thought he could answer without exposing his ignorance for he was contented to have enjoyed it in their teta tent and was far from wishing the company to be witnesses of it I think such a bag of tell may give you some idea of this man's turn I told it to sir George he laughed heartily and said it was so like him my brother loves even his faults though he will not allow me to call them by that name end of section two section three of memoirs of miss Sydney bidolph this libra vox recording is in the public domain memoirs of miss Sydney bidolph by Francis Sheridan volume one continued July the fourth you are unkind Cecilia and do not do justice to my sincerity when you say you are sure I am in love with mr falcon if I were can you conceive it possible that I would deny it to you ah my sister must I suspect you of wanting candor by your making a charge of disingenuity against your friend indeed Cecilia if I am in love with him I do not yet know it myself I will repeat it to you I think him the most amiable of men and should certainly give him the preference if I were left a free choice over all the rest of his sex at least all that I've ever seen though possibly there may be handsome or wiser better men but they have not fallen within my observation I am not however so pre-possessed in his favor as to suppose my phoenix and if any unforeseen event were to prevent my being his I'm sure I should bear it and behave very handsomely and yet perhaps this may be only bragging like a coward because I think a very short time will put it out of the power of fortune to divide us yet certain as the event of our marriage appears to me at the present I shall endeavor to keep a sort of guard over my wishes and will not give my heart leave to center all its happiness in him and therefore I cannot rank myself among the first-rate lovers who have neither eyes nor ears nor sensations but for one object this Mr. Falkland says is his case in regard to me but I think we women should not love at such a rate till duty makes the passion a virtue and till that becomes my case I am so much a philosopher in love that I am determined not to let it absorb any of the other cordial affections which I owe to my relations and my friends I think we ought always to form some laws to ourselves for the regulation of our conduct without this what an impertinent dream must be the life of almost every young person of our sex you my dear though with an uncommon understanding of your own have always been entirely conducted by your wise parents and in this I make it my boast to have followed your example I have been accustomed from my infancy to pay an implicit obedience to the best of mothers the conforming to this never yet cost me an uneasy minute and I'm sure never will July the fifth a little incident happened today which pleased my mother wonderfully she had been at mourning prayers as you know is her daily custom when returning home in her chair one of the men happened to slip his foot and fell down just before Mr. Falkland's house he was so much hurt that he could go no further and the footman immediately opening the chair told her she had better step into Mr. Falkland's till he called another or got a man to assist in carrying her home one of Mr. Falkland's servants happened to be standing at the door so that without any previous notice she was immediately conducted into a parlour where Mr. Falkland was sitting at breakfast she found with him two pretty little children at his knee to one of whom he had given some cake and the elder of the two a boy of about five years old he was gravely lecturing though with great gentleness by having told a lie my mother asked him with some surprise whose children these were he smiled and told her they were his coachmen's and then ordered the footman to carry them down bidding the little boy to be sure to remember what he had said to him my mother inquired if he permitted them to be in the house he said he did and that he had been induced to it from the distress he had seen their poor father in a few days before he is an honest careful fellow continued Mr. Falkland and has lived in my family from a boy he was married to a good sort of a body who took great care of these children and helped to maintain them decently by her work the poor woman died in child bed last week and the person who attended her in her illness for she had no servant took that opportunity of robbing the lodging and after plundering the poor creature of everything that was worth carrying away locked up these two children which you saw with me and the newborn infant with the corpse of their mother the poor little wretches continued in that dismal situation all night having cried themselves to sleep without being heard though there were some other people in the house the morning following i happened to make an early visit in the neighborhood of this distressed little family and my coachman who was a very affectionate husband and father took that opportunity of calling on his wife whom he had not been able to see for three days the cries of his children now awake and almost starved obliged him hastily to break open the door of the room where the poor fellow was shocked with the dismal spectacle of his wife's motionless corpse in bed the infant almost expiring at her side and the other two poor little famished creatures calling to their dead mother for bread the sight almost deprived the man of his senses he snatched up his two eldest children in his arms and ran raving to the house where i was tearing his hair like a madman he told me his mournful story with which i was so affected that i ordered one of my footmen to carry the two children home to my house directly and desired their father to look out for somebody to take care of the young one which he soon did the poor honest fellow was delighted when he came home to find his two children well and merry for they were sensible of no want but their food but his grief returned on him with great violence at the thought of his being obliged to put them into the hands of people who he said he was sure would not be so kind to them as their own poor mother had been and my man told me he did nothing but kiss them and cry over them the whole day to make his mind easy at once i let him know they should remain here under his own eye till they were old enough to be put to school and accordingly directed my housekeeper to see that they were taken care of which has made their father very happy the little rogues have found their way up to me and i love sometimes to hear them prattle but this morning the eldest having told me a lie of his brother i was checking him for it when you came in my mother who was so pleased with mr falclan's conduct in this little history that she repeated it to me word for word as soon as she came home and concluded with observing how good a creature mr falclan must be who in so tender a manner interested him in his poor servant's misfortune most young men said she would have thought they had done enough in giving the servant money to have provided for his children as well as he could it is in such trifles as these that we often discover the excellence of the heart you will suppose my dear that i am not displeased at any circumstance that can raise mr falclan's character in my pious mother's esteem i heard the story with great pleasure but not making any comments on it sir george who was present at the relation said well sydney you're either very affected or the greatest stoic in the world why any other girl would be enraptured at such a proof of the honest tenderness of that heart which she knows she possesses entirely and on which the whole of her future happiness depends i am very sensible of mr falclan's worth brother i replied and i can feel without being transported i will be hanged said sir george if i think you love falclan at least not half so well as he deserves and i dare swear you have not been honest enough to tell him yet whether you do or not it is time enough for that i replied if mr falclan and i should be married i hope i shall give him no cause to complain of my want of affection if you should be married said my brother i know of no possible ifs unless they have your own making i know of none either answered my mother yet i think sydney is in the right to be doubtful about all human events many things added she gravely for she has a great veneration for old sayings fall out between the cup and the lip i think mother said sir george bluntly you were disappointed in your first love i've heard you speak of it but i forget the circumstances as i'd never heard my mother make any mention of this particular i begged she would oblige me with relating it when i was about one and twenty daughter said she a match was concluded by my father between me and a very fine gentleman i loved him and as i suppose all young women do in the like circumstances believed myself equally beloved by him the courtship had been of a year standing for you must know i was not very easily won everything was settled and the day appointed for our marriage arrived when instead of the bridegroom whom we every minute expected there came a letter from him directed to me the contents were that having formally been engaged to a young lady by the most solemn vows he had unfortunately for them both forgot them all on seeing me and had broke through every obligation divine and human to obtain me he entreated mine and my family's pardon in the most pathetic manner for having engaged our esteem so far as to consent to a union of which he found himself unworthy and which it was impossible for him to accomplish fore said he the roles i have done the woman whose youth i seduced rise to my imagination with so much horror that for the empire of the world i would not complete my guilt by devoting that hand to another to which she only has a right he enlarged greatly on the sufferings of his heart in the struggle between his love for me and his duty to the person who had his first vows and whom he declared his infidelity had almost brought to the grave he claimed my pity both on his own and her account and repeatedly entreated my forgiveness of his fault the whole letter which was very long was so expressive of a mind overwhelmed with despair that i was exceedingly shocked at the reading of it what could i say the plea he offered for his seemingly strange conduct was too just to admit of any objections i own the disappointment afflicted me but i bore it with a becoming resolution my family were at first exceedingly exasperated against my doubly unfaithful lover but upon inquiring into the facts they found the truth to be as he had represented it the conclusion was that upon the very day on which he was to have been married to me and on which he had written that gloomy letter he was seized with a melancholy which increasing on him daily soon after ended in absolute madness and he was confined for the remainder of his life the young lady lived but a short time after the melancholy fate of her lover and died as it was said of a broken heart it was a great comfort to me to reflect that my fate disposed otherwise of me than to this unhappy gentleman for i'm very sure had these fatal events happened in consequence of my marriage with him that i should never have survived it this extraordinary anecdote of my mother's life which i had never had a hint of before she could not speak of it without great emotion very much affected me sir george said the story was more tragical than he had apprehended and told my mother that was an accident which fell out between the cup and the lip with a vengeance my mother continued thoughtful for a good while and i was sorry that the memory of this melancholy story had been revived but sir george talked and laughed us both into spirits again july the sixth this mr falcon is a princely man he has sent me such a set of jewels my mother says they're too fine for a private gentleman but george tells her they are not a bit too fine for mr falcon's wife and only suitable to his fortune you know i have but few of my own these only which were my mother's when she was a maiden the greatest part of hers and by much the finest were presented to her by my father but those she reserves for sir george against the time of his marriage as a present for his lady for they are family jewels july the eighth my probation is over my cecilia the formidable question has been put to me and i have answered it i marry say you but how in the negative to be sure my dear no no my cecilia a valuable sure what an affected cold word that is a lovely and most worthy man with six thousand pounds a year is a prize that a country girl must not expect to draw every day mr falcon in loverlike phrase demanded from me the time of his destined happiness i referred him to my mother she good and delicate as she is referred him to sir george george blurted out some sudden day that startled us both when mr falcon reported it to us i stammered out something my mother hesitated sir george came in and blundered at us all so i think we compounded for the time and amongst us fixed upon this day month and full soon enough says my cecilia you have known the man but about six weeks and surely a month is as little time as you can take in preparing finales true my girl true but it is all george's doings indeed my cecilia without affectation i had much rather have had a longer day though i think i know the man as well in those six weeks as if i've been acquainted with him so many years for he has spent most of his hours with us every day during that time and my mother says he is one of those in whom there is no guile sir george is downright insolent he declares i am not sensible of my own happiness and that i deserve to be married to some little petty wilcher squire he so peaks himself upon making this match there's no bearing him he has taken all matters of settlement upon himself and insists on my mother's not interposing she acquiesces but charges my brother not to let mr falkland's generosity carry him too far and bids him remember what is due to his friend as well as to his sister july the 10th i really begin to be hurried my mother you know is exactly punctilious in everything such a quantity of things are bought and such a quantity to be bought that there is no end of journeys into the city then milliners and man tier makers one would think i was going to pass the remainder of my life in a remote country where there was no kind of manufacturers or artificers to become at and that i was providing clothing for half a century july the 12th i have much upon my hands and sir george is so impatient and troublesome that i believe i must employ a secretary to give you a minute detail of all our property for i shall not have patience to do it myself end of section three section four of memoirs of miss sydney bidolph this libra vox recording is in the public domain memoirs of miss sydney bidolph by francis sheredon volume one continued july the 13th sir george has often told me that he knows of no fault mr falkland has but a violence of tempo when provoked i saw an instance of it today which i was sorry for and the more so as i was in some measure accessory to it mr falkland my brother a lady of our acquaintance and myself took a ride in hide park this morning we were to dine at kensington where my mother was to meet us at the house of the lady a relation of mr falklands who was with us we rode into the stable yard of her house in order to alight my horse which happened to be a young one that sir george had newly bought saw some object that made him shy of advancing and he turned suddenly about a footman of mr falklands who'd chance to stand just behind me very imprudently though i'm sure without design of harm gave him a stroke with his whip which made the animal plunge and throw me as i had not time to recover my seat from the first short turn he made i luckily received not the least hurt and was on my feet in an instant but mr falkland who had leapt off his horse even before i fell was so enraged at the fellow that he gave him two or three sound lashes with his whip across the shoulders which fell on him as quick as lightning i am inclined to think the servant was not sober for he had the insolence to lay hold of his master's whip and muttered an oath or two mr falklands attention being quickly turned to me he took no farther notice of the man we went into the house and after i had assured them all that i was not in the least hurt i begged of mr falkland to forgive the footman who had undecidedly caused the accident he made a thousand apologies for having let his anger so far transport him as to chastise his servant in a manner he was not used to but the peril he put you into madam addressing himself to me made me forget myself i repeated i hope so you have forgiven him i wish my dear miss bidolph said he that the fellow were guilty of no other fault than this that i might show you my readiness to obey you but he's such an intolerable sort that there is no keeping him with safety i have forgiven him several idle things but as i had determined to part with him before this happened i hope you will be so good as not to insist on my retaining him i could not intercede for the foolish fellow after this so said no more this little incident convinces me that mr falkland is of too warmer temper yet i am not alarmed at the discovery you know i am the very reverse and i hope in time by gentle methods in some measure to subdue it in mr falkland his own good sense and good nature must incline him to wish it corrected my brother says he has often lamented this vice of his nature to him and said he had taken infinite pains to get the better of it and had so far succeeded that he seldom was surprised by it but on very sudden and extraordinary occasions such as i suppose he looked upon this to be which i have related we passed the day delightfully at kensington and did not return to town till late i think i've got cold as we walked a long time in the garden july the 14th i have got an ugly sore throat my mother insists on my being let blood i'm afraid of alarming her by complaining i had very little rest all night mr falkland came early this morning to inquire after my health my mother told him i was not well how tenderly dejected were his looks when i came into the room sir george made him stay to breakfast he scarce tasted anything he was quite cast down my brother rallied him i thought it unseasonable on the chance he had the day before of losing his wife mr falkland answered i wish i'd followed the first motion of my thoughts and discharged that wicked fellow a month ago sir george said as it happened there had been no harm done but he thought mr falkland would do well to dismiss such an incident rogue from his service he has saved me that trouble said mr falkland he has dismissed himself but he took care first to rob me to rob you we all repeated in the same breath yes said mr falkland i told him after i got home that he was to deliver up such things as he had in his charge to my own man as i meant to discharge him in the morning he made me no reply for he was a sullen fellow but when the family were asleep he contrived to pick the lock of a bureau in my dressing room where i sometimes keep money i believe what induced him to it was his having seen me yesterday morning when i was going to ride a precaution which i generally use put my pocketbook into this place and i suppose he concluded there were banknotes in it for he took that i presume without staying to examine it and all the money he could find besides and very cleverly made his escape out of a back window which was found open this morning my mother lectured mr falkland a little for suffering a servant whose fidelity was not sure of to see where he deposited his money which she said might prove a temptation to one who was not so ill inclined as this man mr falkland acknowledged it was careless of him but said in his justification he had been accustomed to very honest people about him which rendered him less suspicious he appeared so anxious and unhappy about my indisposition that i effected to make as light of it as possible though indeed i find myself very much out of order with what a kind sorrow did he observe my looks sighs now and then stole from him as his eyes were fixed on my face i am obliged to him yet i think i should not be as much concerned for him if he were ill here is a whole cargo of silks and laces just sent him to me hey ho i can't look at them i am not well and i have such a gauntlet to run of visiting and racketing that the thought makes me sicker july the 27th after a fortnight's a dreadful fortnight's intermission i reassume my pen i have often told you cecilia i was not born to be happy oh i prophesied when i said so though i knew not why i said it i will try to recollect all the circumstances of this miserable interval and relate them as well as i can the last line in my journal which i've not yet ventured to send you as you'll stay at paris is so uncertain informs you that i was ill i was let blood but my disorder increased and i was in a high fever before next morning i remember what my reflections were and i'm sure my apprehensions of death were not on my own account afflicting but grievously so the thoughts of what those should feel whom i was to leave behind my mother and mr falkland i believe chiefly engaged my mind but i did not long continue capable of reflection the violence of my disorder deprived me of my senses on the fourth day and they tell me i raved of mr falkland i remember nothing but that in my intervals of reason i always saw my poor mother in tears by my bedside i was in the utmost danger but it pleased god to restore me to the ardent prayers of my dear parent in about 10 days i began to show some symptoms of amendment and inquired how mr falkland did my mother answered he is well my dear and gone out of town but i believe we'll return in a day or two gone out of town said i and leave me dying indeed that was not kind of mr falkland and i should tell him so my mother was sitting on the bedside and had hold of my hand my brother was standing with his back to the fireplace i observed them looked at one another but neither made me any answer praise a george i cried would you serve the woman so whom you were so near making your wife my brother was going to reply but my mother frowned at him he looked displeased and went out of the room dear madam said i there is something the matter with mr falkland don't keep me in suspense i know there is something which you and my brother would conceal from me is mr falkland sick not that i know of i assure you answered my mother he was well yesterday for we had a message from him to inquire after your health as we have had every day for he is but at richmond and you know if he were in town he would receive no other satisfaction than hearing from you as you were too ill to admit of any visits my mother rang the bell immediately and asked me to take something i saw she wanted to turn the conversation my maid ellen came into the room and i asked no more questions my mother stayed with me till it was time for her to go to rest but avoided mentioning mr falkland's name or giving me any opportunity of doing it for she tenderly conjured me to keep myself quite composed and not to talk the doctor assured her this night that he thought me out of danger and she retired with looks of cordial delight she was no sooner gone than i called ellen to my bedside and charged her to tell me all she knew concerning mr falkland the poor girl looked concerned and seemed to study for an answer lord bless me madame what should i know of him more than my lady has told you when did you see him said i not for several days she answered where is he at richmond i heard sir george say but i suppose he will come to town as soon as he hears you're well enough to receive him i catch hold of her hand ellen i know there is something relative to mr falkland which you all want to hide from me don't attempt to deceive me you may be sure whatever it be i must soon be informed of it in the meanwhile my doubts make me very unhappy the good-natured girl's trouble and confusion increased as i spoke my dear madame she replied when you're better my lady will tell you all no no ellen i must know it now tell me this minute or you must never expect to see me better under such uncertainty what is the all the frightful all that i am to be told how you shocked me with that little word i know nothing madame answered ellen but what i gathered from sir george's loud angry talk with my lady and i should be undone if her ladyship were to know i mentioned it to you i assured her my mother should not know it why then madame speaking lower i am afraid that mr falkland as misbehaved or has been belied to my lady she stopped at this how how cried i eagerly what has she heard of him something of another courtship she replied that i hope it is all false you trifle with me speak out and say all you know the poor creature started at my impatience i know no more madame than what i heard my lady say to sir george i had rather sydney were in her grave than married to him sir george said but why will you not let mr falkland justify himself madame justify himself my lady answered what can he say is it not playing that he's false to another woman they talked lower but at last sir george raised his voice and said he would give half his estate to have the villain punished and this madame i overheard by mere accident sir george was going abroad his linen was lying ready for him in his dressing room and his man desired me to put a stitch in one of his master's point ruffles which was a little ripped in the gathering i'd come up the back stairs into the dressing room just as my lady who was with sir george in the bedchamber said the words i first repeated and while i stood doing the ruffle i heard the rest there was a great deal more said but i could not distinguish anything besides except a word here and there which sir george seemed to speak in a very angry tone this was the second day of your illness mr falkland had been here in the morning to inquire how you did my lady saw him and i thought they parted very friendly i met mr falkland coming downstairs he looked full of grief my lady stood at the dining room door and wished him a good morning about an hour after came a letter directed to you it was brought by a porter who said it required no answer as you were too ill to read it i gave it to my lady and it was soon after this that i heard the conversation between sir george and her ladyship mr falkland came again in the evening sir george was not at home but my lady had him above an hour in the drawing room and the footman who let him out said he looked as if he were in sad trouble he has never been here since but sends constantly every day to know how you do my lady ordered me if any letters came for you to deliver them to her and has there any come to me no madam word was always sent to mr falkland of your being so ill that to be sure he thought it would be vain for him to write to you this was all i could gather from the maid what a night did i pass i scarce closed my eyes ellen lay in a field bed by me she had watched several nights and i obliged her now to undress and go into bed she slept soundly how i envied her tranquility if i forgot myself for a few minutes my slumbers were distracted and i started at the recollection of what i'd already heard and the dread of what i had still to hear mr falkland absenting himself from the house so long my mother wishing me in the grave rather than be his wife my brother denouncing vengeance on the villain these were the terrible ideas that haunted me till morning what can he have done i cried aloud several times i summoned to my aid all the fortitude i was mistress of and resolved not to sink under the calamity be it of what nature it would end of section four