 So that's not repressing the feeling. I'm not pretending. I'm not sitting there going. I'm not angry. No. No, I'm not angry at all Right, and we've all met those people. So no, I I could be furious, but I don't have to get mad at you I don't have to tell you that I'm angry what I have to do is do and say the things that will change the trajectory of the way That we're moving What's up everybody and welcome to the show today? We drop great content each and every week and we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to Do that, you're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends Well, I think another big challenge in this and we can go back to your Ali on's example Obviously, that's a massive turnaround and there's gonna be a lot of issues causing emotional reactions in that leader and part of being an ally is managing your own emotions and Compartmentalizing that and I think that's really where the rubber meets the road between a critic and an ally And we've all been there where our emotions are getting the best of us So what recommendations do you have when you're in those really high pressure situations? I mean even the example with your wife Maybe you had a difficult client who wasn't handling the coaching well And he was peppering you with emails and that emotion is now carried over into this conversation with your wife We could see how that has an impact So do you have any exercises that our listeners can use to help manage those emotions to more effectively become that ally? Yeah, I I think it's a great question It's a deep question and the answer is you know, there's a whole camp that says repress your feelings I'm not part of that camp. There's a whole camp that says express everything that you're feeling I'm not a part of that camp, right? Like I think both of those are are are dysfunctional in their own particular ways So what I'm part of the camp that says feel everything be willing to feel everything Recognize that you are bigger than any one emotion. So be willing to feel all of that energy Become comfortable and experienced feeling lots of this kind of energy in this emotion And in a way in which it doesn't overwhelm you Right and then make choices and then from that place make choices I could be furious at you and I could feel all of that fury and Then breathe and say okay So what's what's needed now like what will be helpful in this situation probably screaming at you wouldn't But what would be helpful like what you know like what would be appropriate and useful and help us to move towards an outcome That I want so that's not repressing the feeling. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting there going I'm not angry. No, no, I'm not angry at all, right? And we've all met those people so no I I could be furious, but I don't have to get mad at you I don't have to tell you that I'm angry what I have to do is do and say the things that will change the trajectory of the way that we're moving and By the way an exercise that could be helpful if it's hard in that moment is Go into a room and we could all do this now that we're you know at home and zoom Go into the room and hit on your bed as hard as you can and scream and scream and scream As loud as you can put your face in a pillow and scream and move some of that energy That is building in your body. That's a little hard to contain. It's physical energy in your body You know I run a leadership intensive this leadership program and and it's you know It's interesting it was literally ranked the number one leadership program in the world by global gurus You know over Harvard's program and Duke's program and and it's all about emotional courage And so what I the reason I find that funny is because you know H and I write for HBR And I know but all these programs are like we're gonna give you a ton of knowledge That's gonna help you and I'm in my leadership program. I'm like I'm not gonna give you any knowledge Like I'm gonna not I'm gonna share as little you will hear me lecture as little as possible But I'm gonna give you a ton of experiences That allow you to feel a ton of stuff That is gonna grow your capacity to feel which will then grow your capacity to act and the most effective people in the world Have a bias towards action and you're gonna be able to act effectively So I don't care if you know more when you leave this intensive I do care that you can do more when you leave the intensive and that's all about having it So for me when I when someone you know someone said to me recently I don't want to hurt you and my answer was Hurt me like that's okay. I could be hurt like it's okay for you to hurt me I don't I don't need to live a life in which I don't get hurt I'll be responsible for that if you're hurting me too much. I might tell you to go away Right, but it's okay We're gonna hurt each other in this world and so to be able to not let that overwhelm us But to actually be able to engage in conversation around it feels like it's the most important thing We drop great content each and every week and we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that You're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends all of that knowledge in the world is not helpful if it doesn't inspire action and Even if we have a desired outcome We know just because it's an outcome as humans We're not gonna move towards it unless we see some positive payoff some carrot that's gonna excite us So let's talk a bit about the opportunity and how we in that third step can elucidate an opportunity that gets the team Excited that gets the person we're working with on board with this change that we both need it's a great question and and you know once we've done the Critic to ally and once we've done what is the outcome and then we're still faced with a problem, right? The problem still exists this person who's disruptive in the team is still there, you know The phone beeping every three minutes is still there and so and and the question isn't so how do we solve for that? The question and this was the hardest chapter to write and the longest chapter in the book Because it you know when howie and I were working it was sort of unpacking trying to unpack what I do and you know How he would say well, so what's your technique? I'm like This is what I do like here's what give me an example Here's what it would be and it was it was sort of hard and we came up with you know a number of six or seven things The cover eighty ninety percent of the situations. So one of them is What is if someone's behaving badly one of the questions that we ask is what is good About their bad behavior Not good about them. We're not saying. Oh, they can't all be bad, you know, like what is the good stuff? No, what we're saying is you've got this outcome, right? You want to you want to a high-performing team and and you've got this person who's disruptive and You know forcing us to talk about stuff We don't want to talk about and I understand how that behavior is disruptive How can that behavior be helpful to you in getting to a high-performing team? Right and that conversation becomes really interesting and in the end that conversation is well, you know We're a bunch of lamps like we were we care so much about politeness and and peace and This thing that we're frustrated with that will never contradict each other and so we actually need someone We need Her boldness and she could probably use some of our civility and if we can combine her boldness with our civility We will be an unbeatable team. Well now we're caught now. We found an opportunity. That's kind of exciting I mean, I don't even know this person and I'm kind of excited to work on that problem Which says, you know, we could be an unbeatable team if we just you know up each of our games both in civility and boldness We could be really effective. We have to have that conversation, you know another common opportunity is Oftentimes there is a problem and I'm scared. I'm scared of having a conversation I'm scared and always if there is an opportunity to do something I haven't done before That's always an opportunity. There's another opportunity. Let's go back to the example of of texting You know, the the opportunity is to connect is to feel feel connection like that's right That's the outcome. The outcome we're going for is to feel connection. We both want that and so There's a way in which perhaps that phone first of all putting away the phone is an opportunity to actively Show commitment to the connection right actively show commitment to the connection you go like, yeah I'm gonna put it away But there's another thing which actually could end up being kind of a fun funny thing And I actually haven't tried this but maybe we should do this Which is leave the phone there and actually turn it on and then every time it beeps Let that be a reminder to go. Are we really connected? Are we connecting? You know like are we really is there something we could say and and they're like it's it's almost You know it almost becomes a joke, but it becomes a joke that actually deepens our connection Now we've got this like little private joke now We're gonna be in a group of people and their phones gonna ring and we're gonna look at each other, right? And we're gonna use it as an example. Okay, so it's about creatively finding where the problem isn't just a problem But it's also an opportunity