 I came across some pages in my journal that need to be its own video. I've actually torn them out of my journal because of how intent they are. Don't let me try, don't let me try. The last video is me reading my suicide note. So this video is, it explains my trauma, it explains why I have PTSD, it explains some of the most vile acts that a human being can do to another. This video contains talk of sexual assault, rape, general assault, being drugged, alcohol, abuse, suicide. Watch your own portion and please treat people with respect. I'm gonna go ahead and get reading. Hi, if you're reading this then I guess I finally did it. Please don't blame yourself. I made this choice, I made the decision to end my life. I have my own reasons behind this. So I'm writing this note so that you aren't left with unanswered questions. My PTSD. I was diagnosed with PTSD after multiple sessions with a non-NHS conditon substance like Hydra. My flashbacks have been getting worse, sometimes to a point where I can't even move. I've been left dealing with these moments because all anybody ever cared about is the diagnosis of BPD. I see the moments he stepped in front of the train, the moment his body got thrown about the train, the snaps of his bones. I see the aftermath and then everything goes black during the words. This is because of you, followed by smashes and cracks of his body. Like something that put my brain on. The light comes back on and I'm somewhere I don't remember. I don't know how I got that. While I hear a siren or a line in the next thing I know, I'm backing myself, being raped, assaulted and attacked by officers. There's no CCTV laying over and over my head. The single moment, getting punched in the face because I wasn't crying when I was beaten to the ground. Why wouldn't you cry? I was trapped in a room, locked in a bathroom, waiting for you to come back and finish what you started. Pitches that shouldn't have even existed posted for everyone to see. Like he was proud of what you did. Drugged and shoved in a car. I didn't know you or what you wanted when you, when you realised the drug didn't work you panicked. You smashed my head against the wall, knocked me unconscious, left me half dressed in the middle of a street. Drunk high and everything went black. We met a second time. The night after, I took the drugs out of your pocket. I used it all and waited for death. You shoved me against the wall and smashed the glass bottle off my head. Punched me into the men's bathroom and I became your reg doll. But it's just my BPD, right? I can't stand the sight of myself. I can't eat, I can't drink. All these things are around my head. The memories, the experiences, they win. Nobody's ever listened, so hopefully they will now. I'm depressed. I have anxiety. I'm traumatised. Some days are good. Most days are bad. There's more to me than just BPD. That label has ruined me. It's killed me. And there's nothing left for me. What you had to realise is this is, it took a lot of reading that. And it took a lot when I found it to read, so I didn't read how it initially went. I filmed the video earlier, so I can't read that. Now I've read it all now. I'm so unhappy right now. Because all everyone focuses on is the BPD. And BPD really isn't my main issue. My issue is having the episodes of Dissociation where I've had a flashback. I dissociate and I end up, like, 10 miles from where I live, and I don't know how I got there. Truth is my life is very out of control. I am the way I am, as a consequence of the experiences I've had. I didn't just wake up one day and decide, oh, I want to be traumatised today. I didn't wake up one day wanting to go and do drugs. I didn't wake up one day wanting to get thrown in a police lorry. I didn't want any of that. I didn't want to watch someone who I loved, someone who I cared about, kill themselves. I didn't want any of this. And I'm so sick of people saying, oh, well, she's making it up. She's obviously lying. You don't. I keep my past and some of the darkest things that I've been through very private, and no one near a camera. You guys see 10 minutes if that out of a day. You don't know the full story, and you never will. Some things I'm not ready to talk about. There's a whole page of this note that I didn't read out, and that is because of my own protection. If I read it, I know I will end up making an attempt. People don't realise the seriousness of my past. People don't realise how intense things are. People think that they can say and do whatever they want, and have no effect. Then people say, oh, when people try and trigger you, intentionally, unintentionally, my body constitutes my trauma. You know, my trauma is very valid. It's real. It happened. My past is full of trauma. Some traumas I will never talk about. My friends know some of my life that I've never put online. There are some people in this world that I actually do trust. My trust in people has got worse over time, because I've had more and more thrown in my face. So yeah, I'm a secretive. Yes, I hide half my life from you. There are reasons behind that. I don't even know how to end this video. I'm really done. All I want to do is cry.