 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. The cigarette that tastes better. It's light up time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light up time. For the taste that you like, light up a lucky strike. Relax. It's light up time. This is Don Wilson, friends, and I certainly agree there's no time like right now to light up a lucky and find out firsthand what real deep down smoking enjoyment is. I mean the enjoyment that comes from better taste because a lucky tastes better every time. And the reasons why are world famous. First of all, LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Tobacco's so fine, so light, so mild, it just naturally tastes better. And then something very important happens to Lucky's fine tobacco. It's toasted. It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that brings Lucky's naturally good tasting tobacco to its peak of flavor, tones it up to make it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. So right now, while the show gets underway, or whenever it's light up time for you, be happy, go lucky, enjoy Lucky Strike, the best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. For the taste that you like, light up a Lucky Strike right now. Light up a Lucky. It's light up time. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly down-well. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny does his last television show of the season. But meanwhile, let's go back to yesterday. It's spring again. And as we take you out to Jack's home in Beverly Hills, we find Rochester up in the attic, busy with the spring cleaning. Well, I got all the magazines stacked up. Now I'll move this box over and... Hello, what's this? I never saw these before. A bundle of Mr. Benny's old love letters. I wonder if I should... No, I'd be a heel if I read them. But nobody would know I'm a heel but me and I ain't gonna tell anybody. I think I'll open this pink one first. Well, look at this. My darling blossom boy. I've been thinking of you all day. I'm still thrilled to the memory of how you said good night to me and crushed me in your powerful arms. Powerful arms. That can't be the boss. I know how excited you must be about having been elected captain of our school football team. But I can't get over your reluctance to talk about it. You're so modest. Modest? That can't be the boss. We sure had fun celebrating your election at the ice cream parlor. And wasn't it lucky I had my purse when you discovered you forgot your money. That's my boy. And another thing. Oh, Rochester, when you finish up here in the attic, what are you doing with those old letters? I'm putting them away. Rochester, have you been reading my old love letters? Oh, no, boss, not me. Well, then put them away and straighten up this pile of books in the corner. Okay, blossom boy. Oh, so you have been reading them. Just one of them, boss. And Eloise. Eloise. Oh, yes. Eloise Stanley. Rochester, you should have seen her. Long, golden curls, big brown eyes, rosy cheeks, dimples. And when she smiled, she was the silliest looking dame you ever saw. Now, come on, let's finish straightening the attic. Put that carton on top of the trunk. Yes, sir. How about putting the... Boss, what are you looking at? This old picture album. Most of them were taken when I was a kid. Oh, yeah. Say, who's that man in this picture here? A relative? No, no, he was my first violin teacher. May he rest in peace. And oh, look, here's a picture of me taking when I was two years old. Look at me lying there in bed hugging that big teddy bear. Yeah. Doggone is almost as big as the one you sleep with now. Not quite. And this is my sister, Florence. Who's that on the other page? Oh, that's my second violin teacher. May he rest in peace. Oh, look, here's a picture of my graduating class in grammar school. Gee, they sure are a nice-looking bunch of kids. Wait a minute, boss, I don't see you. Well, I took the picture. See, I had a little photography business on the side. And look, here's a picture of our house in Waukegan. Sure is a nice place. Who's the man standing out in front? Oh, he's my third violin teacher. Is he resting in peace? I don't know. He ran away and joined the foreign legion. And Rochester, here's the picture of... Well, that must be some of my gang. We're gonna rehearse here today. You want me to come down and take notes? No, no, I think there'll be a lot of changes in the script, so I asked my secretary, Jeanette Eiman, to come over. See you later. Gee, seeing all those pictures reminds me of the very first violin concert I gave before an audience of thousands of people. May they rest in peace. What memory? Coming, coming. Oh, hello, Dennis. What are you giggling about, kid? Well, this morning I went out in my yard and I caught a golfer. Why should I make you laugh? I got him in my shirt and he tickles. Dennis, you got a golfer inside your shirt? No, I just said that for a joke. Why didn't you laugh? A joke? You got no sense of humor at all. Look. No wonder they put your program on Sunday when people are at church. Oh, close the door and come inside. Oh, am I on time for rehearsal? You're the first one here. I asked you to come a little early on purpose. I sent you your new contract, Dennis, last week. Have you signed it? Well, no, it hasn't come back from the doctor yet. The doctor? My mother knows how you like to hide clauses so she's having an x-ray. Oh, your mother. She never satisfied with anything. Oh, you're wrong about that, Mr. Benny. She liked the present I gave her this morning for her birthday. Say, today is her birthday. Uh-huh. Well, what did you receive on my mother's birthday, Dennis? Why should I get presents on your mother's birthday? Oh, it's in our contract. Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, I don't know what to get you for Labor Day. You'll think of something. Sing the song you're going to do on the show. Okay. Ah, no. Look at Mr. Benny. Oh, I was fine, Dennis. It'll probably sound even better, you know. Come in. Oh, hello, Miss Simon. Hello. Well, summer must be around the corner when my little secretary comes to rehearsal in a bare midriff. Well, the weather's kind of warm, and this midriff dress is comfortable. Yeah, but it must be very inconvenient. What do you mean, inconvenient? No place to carry a gopher. Dennis, stop. Now, Miss Simon, you know, I'm not a very strict boss, and I don't care how you dress when you're not working, but I do think those bare midriffs are a little immodest. Immodest? But everybody out here wears them. Not my girlfriend, Gladys. She's too modest to wear them. She's not modest. She just doesn't want to show her tattooing. Dennis. She has more pictures on her than Channel 2. Now be quiet. One little battleship, and everybody makes a big thing out of it. Anyway, Miss Simon, I'm... Excuse me. Hello? Hello, Mr. Kitzel. Hey, what can I do for you? Nothing at all. I just called up to tell you how much I enjoyed your radio program last week. Well, I'm glad you listened to it. I didn't listen. I was there at the show. Oh, that's nice. Where'd you get the tickets? What tickets? I was nonchalantly walking down the street when all of a sudden somebody threw a sack over me, gave me a bump on the head, and the next thing I knew, somebody was whispering in my ear, welcome to CBS. Get away we get a minute. Oh, oh, I see. And you know when the program was over, I went back to see you, but you was already gone. But I did see that other comedian. Which other comedian? Edgar Boingstein. You mean Edgar Bergen. He's very funny. By the way, Mr. Kitzel, I haven't seen you in a long time. Oh, this is because I now have a job as an extra in pictures. I already worked in six westerns. In western pictures? Yeah. They went dirty way. And smile when you say that, partner. You're pretty good. Oh, you should see me on a horse. Oh, can you ride? The best. When I'm on a horse, I'm looking like hop along. Pacity? Whom? Oh, excuse me, Mr. Kitzel. I better hang up. There's someone at the door. You're excused. Goodbye. Goodbye. Now, come on in, Don. I'm glad you brought the sportsman with you. Hi, fellas. Say, come on in, everybody. Say, Don, how come you're dressed that way? Oh, I just came from the golf course, Jack. I played 18 holes this morning. I didn't know you played golf. Yeah, I just took up the game. I take lessons twice a week now. Oh, that's how you're playing? Oh, pretty good. But I'm having a lot of trouble with my tee shots. Well, Don, hitting off the tee is one of the easiest shots in golf. You just remember one thing. Keep your eye on the ball. That's my trouble. I know it's down there, but I'm not sure where. Oh, that could be a problem. What course did you play today? Oh, I was out at your club, Jack Hillcrest, and I was doing all right until I came to that fourth green. You know, the one that's down in a gully. Wait a minute, Don. The fourth green isn't in a gully. It's on top of a hill. Not anymore. Look, Don, if you... Come on. Let's get this rehearsal over with. My gopher's getting hungry. Then, as you said, it was a joke. Now, leave it alone. I think we ought to get started. It's getting late, Jack. Jack? Miss Iman, you called me Jack. What do you want me to call you, blue eyes? Not during business hours. That's for night. Or drive-in movies. Now, come on. Let's all go... Let's all go in the den and rehearse. Pause. You can't rehearse. The script's haven't arrived from the studio yet. That's funny. They always send it to my house so we can... Hey, that must be the script's now. Come in. Hello, hello, hello, everybody. Long time no see. Well, Steve. Hey, kid, this is my publicity man, Steve Bradley. Steve, what brings you around? What's up? Benny, I'm worried. You're a slipping dad. We gotta do something about your publicity. Publicity? Well, at your department. I know. And I've been working like crazy to get a good stunt to land you on the front pages. Benny, I want you to be as well-known as Smog. Smog. What's good about Smog? It's in the public eye. Benny, I'm thinking every minute. Oh, look, Steve. Can't you wait? Can't wait. Can't wait. No time to lose. I thought this was so urgent that when I couldn't reach you by telephone, I sent a message by carrier pigeon. Carrier pigeon? Well, that must have been the pigeon that landed on my window sill. Yeah, yeah. Didn't you see the message tied to its ankle? Message? Rochester! Don't look at me. You ain't the legs. See, I thought the paper on that leg was a panty. Now, Benny, I've been giving this serious thought. We've gotta come up with something for you. Something unusual. Some sort of a stunt. Now, wait a minute, Steve. Wait a minute. I don't want any more of your stunts. Wait a minute, Benny. Wait a minute. Hold it. What? Why didn't I think of this before? What an idea! All right. What is it? Baseball. Huh? Look, some years ago, Bob Hope bought himself the Cleveland Indians. Bing Crosby bought the Pittsburgh Pirates. And today, who is everybody talking about? George Goble. And there you are. Now, Steve, what are you getting at? Benny, you've gotta have a baseball team. Well, look, Steve, I like the idea, but a baseball team is liable to run into a lot of money. Leave it to me, Benny. I'll find you a team that won't cost you much dough. Well, good, good. I'll get you a team that's unknown, but with a proper training and a year or two, you can sell them to somebody else and clear yourself the net profit of a million dollars. All right, Steve. That sounds like a great idea. Go out and get me a baseball team. Leave it to me, Benny. So long, everybody. You know, kids, I think Bradley's got a good idea with that baseball team. He certainly has, Jack. And look at the commercials you can do. Commercials with baseball? Why, certainly. You've got the quartet right here, and they can take a song and fit it to anything. Don, I'm not sure that... Now, Jack, look, I'll show you. They can even ad-lib one right now. Ad-lib a song about baseball? Sure, sure. Go ahead, fellas, showing. Baseball in the springtime Baseball in the winter When it drizzles Baseball in the summer When it sizzles Lucky's in the summer They're so pleasing We smoke luckies at the ball game Makes a hit that's clean Like lucky It's light up T, it's light up T Baseball idea is going to work out great. It'll give me a lot of publicity. You're right, Jack. After all, baseball's the national sport. Everybody loves it. Don's right, Mr. Benny. You know, yesterday, a bunch of my friends came over to my house and asked me to play baseball. Oh, did you play? Sure, but every time I hit the ball, I broke a window. What? I broke seven windows. Well, kid, maybe when you went outside, you played too close to the house. Oh, Dennis, why can't you? Jack, Jack, look, I haven't been home yet from the golf course, so let's get out of the rehearsal, will ya? Don, we can't. The scripts aren't here yet. Oh, yeah. Well, why don't you call up CBS and see what's wrong? All right, I will. Take me out to the ball game Take me out with the crowd I know a way to save 80 cents I'll drill a hole and I'll look through the fence Dumb, dum, dee-dum, dee-dum Oh, Mabel, what is it, good truth? You get it, will ya? Now, Mabel, it's Mr. Benny. I wonder what Blossom Boy wants now. I'm acting with the Mimeograph Department because they haven't delivered his scripts yet. Script? Pop off as an ad-lib comedian. Yeah. Ad-libber click if he had full teeth. I don't care if he can ad-libber not. I think he's cute. No more times than he has with you. He like you. When we look like we do, we should be happy we got each other. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm expecting Mr. Benny to pop the question any day now. Pop the question? You know what happened. What'd he say? He didn't win the shopping. That's what you mean? You do? I mean, he was kissing me. I saw my reflection in his glasses and I thought my mother was watching us. Operator. Operator, I want the Mimeograph Department. What? Well, when you get them, tell them to send the scripts out to my house. Goodbye. Here's nothing to do, but wait, I guess. We won't be able to rehearse. Hold everything, hold everything. Benny, I'm back. Steve. Yeah, Benny, you won in the baseball team and Bradley didn't let you down. Hey, that's swell. Now, just sign this contract and the team is yours for $1,000. Good, good. There you are. Now, what's the name of the team? The BBBs. BBBs, what's that? Benny's Buxom Bloomer Girls. Bloomer Girls? Certainly, Benny. I can see it now. All over the sporting page. Pictures of Bob Hope and his Indians. Bing Crosby and his pirates. Jack Benny and his bloomers. Steve, you can't do this to me. So long, Benny. See ya. You like that. A girl's team. I got a mind to... Oh, Mr. Benny. Mr. Benny. What? Your slip is showing. Oh, wow. Man, you're a girl's baseball team. Ladies and gentlemen, here's an important message from the United States Forestry Service. Picnic time and camping time have frequently become disaster time. A lighted match or cigarette, carelessly discarded, the burning embers of a campfire often start forest fires that destroy watersheds and burn millions of acres of timber that is vitally needed to build America's strength. When you're in the woods, do your part to prevent forest fires. Be sure every campfire, every match, every cigarette is out. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, Jack will be back in a minute to tell you about his television program, which goes on at 7 p.m. tonight over the CBS television network. But right now, here's a suggestion for you. Light up a lucky. It's light of time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light of time. For the taste that you like. Light up a lucky strike. Relax. It's light of time. That's a grand idea for a pleasant Sunday evening at home or any time at all when you want to enjoy a really great cigarette. Just lean back and light up a lucky because every lucky you light is sure to give you better taste. And here's why. First, luckies are made of fine tobacco. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Light, mild, naturally good tasting tobacco. And then, that tobacco is toasted. It's toasted is the famous lucky strike process that tones up luckies' fine tobacco, brings it to its peak of flavor, makes it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Result? Lucky strike, the best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. So right now, friends, or any time at all when it's light up time for you, be happy. Go lucky. Make your cigarette better tasting lucky strike. For the taste that you like. Light up a lucky strike. Right now. Light up a lucky. It's light of time. Well, Rochester, I gotta rush over to the studio and do my last television show of the season. Yes or no? Say boss, usually on your last show you send out tickets to all your friends. I did this time, Rochester. Every one I know is going to be in that audience, except Mr. Scarlatti. Mr. Scarlatti, who's he? My fourth violin teacher. May he rest in his straight jacket. Anyway, folks, I'll see you in a few minutes on my television show, and next week again on Radio. The Jackman show tonight was written by Milt Josephsburg, John Takkeberry, Al Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Filter smokers, true tobacco taste, real filtration, famous Tarleton quality. They're all yours when you smoke filter tip Tarleton. 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