 One thing that I don't share with my partner is that I have a pretty huge big sizable crush on one of their friends. He's literally seen me give birth, but for some reason I just don't feel comfortable with him hearing me fart. Sample off my plate. I went my bookcase on his pillow. It's how terrified and scared I was every single day for a year that he would leave me. That I have an interest in BDSM. Hey there, lovers and friends. If you've yet to guess by now, today we're going through the things that people do not tell each other in romantic relationships. I'm going to break it down into the top five categories. And then I'm going to give you a tactic should you want to overcome that secrecy barrier and get to a place of full disclosure in partnership. Now bear in mind, I do think that there is a push and pull, a middle ground, a gray area when it comes to being honest with our romantic partners. As I like to say, honesty to a healthy relationship is not what a bat is to baseball. It's what a putter is to golf. Meaning that you use it once in a while strategically and when you get into the green area. Get at the bottom of the bowl. Before we dive into this one, I want to tell you guys about the sponsor of this video, Audible. This is legit a dream partnership for me because I have been a fan and a member of Audible for four years and I want you to consider joining me. This video is sponsored by Audible, the only service that gives members access to the world's largest selection of audiobooks. If you like audio, you're going to love Audible. So why not give them a try for free? Audible has a 30 day trial where you will get your first audiobook plus two Audible Originals at no cost. Audible Originals are exclusive titles that range from literature, journalism, fitness and more. This year, I want you to challenge your intimate self to be more confident, educated and edgy. Let me help you by listening to my audiobook, The Game of Desire, read by me. Visit Audible.com slash Shambutti to start listening now or if you are in the US, you can text Shambutti to the phone number 500-500. Again, that's Audible.com slash Shambutti or text Shambutti to 500-500. Alright, so in no particular order, here are five common secrets you're going to find in romantic relationships. Number one, your significant other is probably not going to share with you which of your friends or family members that they have a crush on. More than likely, a tiny little crush. And there's a good reason why they shouldn't share this with you because it's not really based on anything substantial. For example, do you know what the number one determinant is as to if people are going to find each other sexually attractive? No, it's not opposites attracting and no, it's not birds of a feather flocking together. It's proximity. Sexual bonds are created through shared environments, meaning the more time that you spend around someone, the more that you're likely to start to see attractive qualities within them. There's also the additional forbidden fruit essence of a friend or family member that makes them a little bit more appealing through danger, just because our brains like to walk on the wild side. So that essentially means that in a different environment, they probably wouldn't find your mom or your bestie that good looking. Tammy met Justin because Justin was dating Tammy's own daughter, Summer. Your romantic partner is not likely to share with you their greatest fears about you or about life in general. Now I promise you, no matter how confident someone may appear underneath it all, we all have some fear that we are not likable, not lovable, abnormal, a pervert, a freak, or just generally somebody who is not meant to be all of the exceptional things that we want ourselves to be. And as think if you could start to really see and understand that, you can deal with your partner's abnormalities and isms in a lot more compassionate of a way. We do this for children once again, right? When children have really big emotional outbursts, instead of looking at them like they are a bad person or getting distracted by that outburst, we'll start to actually look for what the root cause is. As we get older, our root causes become a lot more complex. No longer is it that we're just hungry or tired or we just need a hug. Sometimes it's years of built up fears that I'm not enough. I'm not good enough. Nobody will want to stay with me. But nonetheless, when you can discover those root fears, it allows you to be so much more of a compassionate partner. So I actually think this is one of those secrets that you really should try to get to the root of. And in order to do that, you have to make sure that when your partner tells you shocking, crazy, abnormal things about themselves, you don't have a big reaction. And furthermore, when you hear other people share big parts about themselves, you also don't have a judgmental reaction because they compartmentalize that as, well, I can't share my truth with them. Now, a big thing that I did in 2018, which I think really transitioned how people interacted with me, is I threw out words like, that's crazy, that's stupid, that's weird. And I substituted that with that's fascinating. Simply put, that's fascinating. I haven't heard of it before. I haven't experienced it personally. Maybe I have experienced it personally, but I felt I was alone in that. Let me actually examine more through fascination rather than judgment. I think if you start to take that tone overall in your relationship, that those walls will slowly begin to come down. On the flip side of fears is fantasy. And what they both have in common is that you're not likely to share your fantasies with your partner either. In particular, your sexual fantasies. And I think we can thank for that. The society that we lives in that has this ideal or paints this picture, that normal people think, act, engage and partake in sex in a very specific way. But I've actually never met somebody before who has the normal sex life or normal sexual thoughts. Most of us have fantasies that exist beyond what we actually want to happen to us, beyond what is actually possible for us. And that is all very healthy. Our sexual fantasies is supposed to be an uninhibited place that is an expression of a lot of parts of ourselves. Our subconscious, our deepest fears, our deepest aspirations, all combined into one. Because sex is supposed to be that freeing truly carnal human moment. And as a result, I think all of our humanities tend to show up in it. And that is not cause for pause or fear. It can be a great opportunity for examination. Now, if you want to get to a place where your partner can freely express their sexual fantasies with you, you got to give a little to get a little. You got to share some of your innermost thoughts and ideals around sexuality and how you picture that playing out in an exaggerated world in hopes that your partner feels comfortable to go ahead and do the same with you. Now, an activity that I think is really cool for this is story building, mutual story building. So you'll start off by setting the scene and saying, you and me are in a tropical forest and we only have leaves on go. Then your partner says and we have leaves on and then a gorilla approaches us and the gorilla is rock. You see where I'm going with this, but your partner can build on this together. And that way you're both participating in the fantasy. You're both creating this together. So no one feels like they are sharing vulnerable things about themselves that make them again at risk for being unlovable. Your romantic partner is not likely to share what is ghostable about you. In other words, what are some of your less than redeeming qualities? The unfortunate part though about this is that we actually do tend to share what we don't like about our partner's characters, but most of the time it happens in the midst of an argument. And there is never a worse time to try to tell someone constructive information than when their emotions are running extremely high. But we have to find ways. I think this is one of the ones that we do have to overcome. The gift to me of having a romantic partner tell you about the not so flattering parts of yourself is that they see you in your duality. So even though you tend to get very neurotic and type A in stressful situations, they also know that that type A-ness and neuroticism is the reason why you keep a very clean home and you never run behind on payments. So they can see the good with the bad and start to look at you in more of a full picture and be like, I'm not asking you to throw this part of your personality out. I'm saying that here is the sunny side. Let's keep that. But the shadowy side, let's start to work on other alternative ways together that we can fix that part. I think one of the greatest gifts of romantic partnership is life partnership and being able to work actively on each other to bring out the best in ourselves. So if you have something about your romantic partner that you know is ghostable, that you know might be stopping them from achieving their goals or from having smoother friendships or smoother relationships, I urge you, find a calm, constructive, loving way to bring that up with them. To me, one of the greatest honors and benefits of romantic relationships is being close enough with someone to both influence them and to give them insight on some of their blind spots. The best thing you can do for your partner if you know what their ghostable qualities are is not just to point it out to them, but to offer a plan of action or some solutions. And of course we should ultimately always be trying to do this for ourselves because as I say, you got to strive while you're alive and change is a constant. So might as well get on the front end of that go cart and push it where you want to go and to help you push yourself and your partnerships to the limit in 2020. I want to once again remind you that Audible is an incredible service that can help you do just that. With the new year comes new challenges to better yourself and what better way than to start off with Audible's 2020 challenge to current and new members. Finish three audiobooks by March 3 and get a $20 Amazon credit. Audible will keep track of your progress for you. All you have to do is listen to three audiobooks by March 3 then claim your credit. With Audible, listening to new content is easy and your audiobooks are yours to keep. Even if you cancel your membership, didn't like your audiobook? Exchange it and discover new titles to listen to. Visit audible.com slash shambudy to start listening now or if you're in the U.S. you can text shambudy to the number 500 500. Again, that's audible.com slash shambudy or text shambudy to 500 500. The final secret that your romantic partner is likely keeping from you is their honest opinion on your sexual performance. Now I actually asked this question on Twitter and a lot of you have the damn nerve to lie and say that you are 100% honest. But sometimes in sex you just want to feel like you're enough, like you're perfect in the moment. Now a good partner will help you work on your flaws without actually pointing them out. They'll start to drop little hints here and there or they'll guide you towards more positive behaviors or skill sets. But they're never going to outright say you actually suck at doing that sucking thing or you're not as endowed as I let on or I would actually prefer if this lasted a lot less longer than it currently does. I think the best sexual partners keep a couple secrets back. There are some things that you can say to your partner that you can never return. If you make negative comments about the way that a person would evolve a taste or smell, it's very hard to come back from that. If you make a comment about the size of a person with a penis is penis, it's very difficult to come back from that. So I would say that it's good to exaggerate the highs and to find creative ways to work on the lows when it comes to the bedroom. But I want to hear from you. Are there any things that I said that you completely disagree with because you share all of it with your partner? Are there some tools or strategies to being more honest that you want to share with people in the comments section? And finally, keep it real. What's one thing that you're definitely not going to tell your romantic partner?