 Today we're gonna talk about why a man might go silent and what you should do when he pulls away. So what is really silence? Silence is really just kind of a disconnect from the relationship is the way I've observed it. I mean, there's a couple of different ways of looking at silence, but I feel like when someone pulls away emotionally, when someone stops communicating to the same degree they did before, there's a disconnect going on within the relationship. Now, I think it's important to recognize the early stages of dating versus kind of more, a little bit more seasoned aspect of dating. And in the early stages of dating, oftentimes both men and women experience lust or limerence. And in addition, there are chemicals being released from our brain into our body that makes us feel good chemicals like oxytocin, chemicals like dopamine, chemicals like testosterone and estrogen and this chemical cocktail is where the term chemistry comes from, where it is chemistry comes from chemicals. So these are chemicals being released in our bodies that make us feel good. So when the early stage of dating when a man is expressing his feelings towards you, oftentimes it's centered on him feeling, what did I write down? How you make him feel versus how he feels about you. I want you to sit with that for a second. How you make him feel or how he feels being with you versus how he feels about you, okay? And this is a critically important thing to distinguish between the two because how many times have you experienced a man that's start, I mean, I've done this myself. I've met a woman, I thought, oh my God, you're the most amazing woman in the planet. I could see myself marrying you. I mean, I see us doing vacations. All of these words that are coming out of our mouths is a projection based on how they feel being with you, okay? How they feel being with you versus how they feel about you. And I really sit with that because how you feel about someone isn't going to be based on the first, let's say 90, the first 90 days of dating. Now I want to really clarify something about dating, okay? Dating is where you're in a process of getting to know each other. You're having experiences with one another to get a sense of who this person is. You're having experiences. And the problem is today, most people are spending more time on these devices communicating with someone and it's not the same as experiencing someone, okay? When, it's interesting. I was listening to Alison Armstrong the other day and she said something very fascinating to me. If you're not familiar with her work, I highly recommend checking out the book, The Queen's Code, The Queen's Code. By the way, there's a link below to get all the books I recommend. I like Alison's work. In fact, I'm going to one of her workshops, Freedom from Being Ordinary. And what I like about her work is she gives some interesting perspective on the differences between men and women. Okay, really quickly, what she was saying though. By the way, for the record, her husband of something like 25 plus years passed away about four years ago. And she has since met a man and she's been in relationship for three years with him. She said something interesting. She says, I'm not devoted to him yet. I'm not devoted to him yet yet. They've been together for three years. Now, she used the term devoted is that, she said devoted is the absence of vetoing something. Okay, at least that was the way I heard it. And I might be screwing this up a little bit. Devoted, like you're no longer voting or you're no longer vetoing. In other words, you've given up, in other words, you're still in your sovereignty as an individual. And when you're devoted to someone, then you're a sovereign individual, but you're also part of a collective we. You're all in for the long run. So she's not there yet. But what she said was, I need to observe, I need to do my due diligence. I need to observe him in enough situations to determine compatibility. Now, I want you to know something, the way I heard it might be different than the way she said it, but my point is, and I'm sure she has genuine, significant care. I'm sure she loves him and all that stuff, but not yet to be 100% all in. I'm gonna speculate she's 95% all in. Okay, but this is just my projection. My point in bringing this up is enough situations to determine compatibility. Now, this is coming back to the early stage of dating and why silence happens and what you need to do about it. I'm a believer that when men in the first 90 days evaluate a partner from a long-term perspective or just a short-term perspective. Now, men who have a short-term mating strategy, they want companionship, they want connection, they want sex, but they don't want commitment or they haven't resigned themselves to being 100% fully committed to someone. Now, this might feel like you're being used by someone. And I'm not suggesting that is their intent, it just happens to be a byproduct of what happens. So in the early stages, if they feel good being with you and it's all about their own feelings, they're very myopic, they're very self-centric, the minute there's a disconnect in the relationship and it's now about your feelings, what happens is when a person has been self-centric and only focused on their own needs, they resist actually being, I was gonna say the word accommodating, but it's not accommodating, inviting in your feelings in the dynamic and this is why a lot of men go silent. They go silent because they're in a state of fear. Now, there can be extenuating circumstances that causes this silence. A lot of times if you're dating in midlife, we're in midlife, a significant percentage of people are divorced and in many cases, they have a contentious divorce, they have a contentious relationship with an ex. Maybe they've got some critical issues and things going on in their professional life, maybe they have health issues going on. That causes them to be myopic to the relationship. In other words, they're only focused on their own needs and the minute your needs arise, they go silent because they're in a state of fear, but quite frankly, they're in a state of chaos before it even happened. When a man or woman is in a state of chaos, emotional chaos, if you will, or physical chaos, what I mean is your physical world, there's the emotional world and then your physical world, if the ground underneath you doesn't feel solid, the minute someone else's feelings require some level of attention, that ground underneath them isn't solid, causes them to retract, pull away, even go silent. These are just some of the common reasons why, as I said before, a contentious relationship with an ex, circumstances in their professional life that may be chaotic, maybe it's issues with their children or a family member or something, when a person's light. Now, by the way, in midlife, you're going to have this, but for the most part, if the ground underneath them isn't solid, it causes them to be more focused on their own needs because they don't have a capacity to focus on someone else's needs. And the reason why this is so confusing in the early stages of dating, you were like, oh my God, this man expressed all these emotions towards me, how he felt being with me, but it wasn't true, was it really truly how he felt about you? See, trust isn't just about fidelity, trust is, do I have this other person's best interest at heart? And sometimes, the best interest is to end a relationship because they're not capable of going all in. See, I think the real challenges today is people are, they're just casually dating, they're dipping their toe in the water. See, I'd rather operate. Your first 90 days is the critical window to evaluate if someone's a really good fit for you. And by the way, if you need some help and support with that, there's a link right here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you and there's a link below as well. See, my whole area of expertise is centered around vetting the other person, particularly in the area of mutual compatibility and more importantly, emotional maturity. Emotional maturity and the capacity to go all in. Now, I've said this before, I say it again, I really do believe a significant percentage of the population in midlife is rather wounded. They have traumas, both micro and small and big traumas, that cause them to operate from a place of fear. I know after my divorce, 15 years ago, I was an emotional train wreck. I was operating from a place of fear. And what was interesting is I could share all my experiences with women and it felt like, oh my God, it's music to my ears. This man is being emotional with me. No, you were my therapist in those moments. Female, it's much easier for a man to speak to a woman about his problems because we have a difficulty sharing this with the male friends in our lives. So what happens is many people bond through their traumas but that doesn't necessarily mean that person is emotionally stable to take on your emotional needs at the same time. See, and this is why I'm so anti texting relationships. I can't believe how many of you have relationships where you spend most of your time on the telephone or text, but Jonathan, we're in a long distance. We have nothing else to do. Folks, just like Allison was saying, until you've experienced enough situations with a person, those situations look like social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, being in enough different situations to evaluate this person. I had a friend once date a man who was very rude every time he was with her friends. And he wasn't rude to her when they were together but he was rather, you know, he was rather, the rudeness was more of a dismissive nature. And she realized later that that was a clue but she painted that red flag as green because there were these other good things going on because their relationship was originally built on that chemical attraction, that cocktail of oxytocin and dopamine and testosterone and estrogen, just to name a few. See, when a man truly loves you, serotonin is being released in his brain and your feelings are on par with his feelings, your best interests are in his best interests. So what can you do when a man pulls away? I think first and foremost is to recognize that he is not intentionally doing anything to you. Do not make up a story about what's happening. The story can become this, you know, quantum loop going on inside your head that is either justifying or rationalizing what's going on. I think you can take a step back and go, okay, I'm gonna take a step back. Let me really evaluate our relationship. Let me evaluate our relationship. Let me evaluate who this person really is. And maybe it would be best to seek help of a coach like myself. I get women calling me all the time wanting me to get inside the guy's head on their back just to offer some perspective. But my point is, is take a step back and evaluate this relationship outside of the chemical cocktail. Now, that's incredibly hard. More importantly, what's hard is evaluating the relationship once you've given your heart to somebody. Folks, it's amazing how we individuals will, as I said before, take a red flag and paint it green or accept behavior because there's something really good going on. It's kind of human nature to double down on what is good versus really identifying what is really missing in this relationship and having real, radically honest conversations. One of the things I talk about, that 90 day window in the early stage of dating, that's the time to be radically honest with one another, lay your cards on the table and establish the rules of engagement. Folks, you know, I've said this before, I've said it again. I think it's critically important to do your due diligence, to do your vetting. And that means, listen, I know I've said it tongue in cheek, but you're basically the early stage of dating is a vetting process. I've jokingly said it's an interrogation. But Jonathan, all the other dating coaches say, don't interview someone. Well, you know what? If you were gonna partner with someone, if you were, let's say, an accountant or a lawyer or a doctor and you're gonna partner with another person, you're gonna wanna do your due diligence. And particularly before you're physically intimate with someone, folks, most of you know my dating vows. If you're not familiar with it, there's a link right there to the dating vows. But before you give your heart to someone, before you're physically intimate, maybe having a deeper conversation like the following would be a benefit, okay? I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious within the next three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together. I agree not to actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down our dating profiles if that's how you met. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting or disappearing. And I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which looks like this. By the way, there's a link to get my dating vows. Why is this so important? It's about having a conversation. This helps avoid pulling away. Now, 90% of guys will reject this. But what does that say about them if they reject? By the way, please forgive my yelling. I'm just incredibly passionate right now. What does it say about a guy who'll wanna sleep with you without any real, possibly sleep with you without any real agreements between the two of you? You know, an emotional grownup man will appreciate this. I get calls from prospective clients and clients all the time, Jonathan, I use the dating vowel and the guy appreciated it. Folks, there are good men out there. There are good men out there. I want you to start saying, it's raining good men, it's raining good men, it's raining good men. And yet at the same time, there are emotionally wounded people, both men and women alike, emotionally broken people, people who have significant traumas and have done little to heal them. And so usually silence comes from a wound that hasn't been healed from someone. And because it hasn't been healed, they don't have the capacity to take on your emotional. They lack the capacity to take on your emotional needs because they're struggling with their own needs. This doesn't make them bad people, it just makes them human. And so it's a better way to ask deep questions. So what are my last bit of notes I said here? Bear with me a second. Lastly, I want to say this, coming back to the interrogation. You have to be your own matchmaker going forward, okay? However you meet men, however you, if you're men watching, however you meet women, you have to become your own matchmaker because you can't count on anyone else to have your back. It starts with having your own back and it starts by doing due diligence. And if someone goes silent, redirect that energy into yourself, be introspective and then find ways to nurture yourself. But the same time I invite you to do this, get on the phone and talk with them, share your feelings. That's the best way to build connection with someone is to share your feelings with another human being. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If you're a member of my group called Midlife Love Mastery, please tell your friends about the group. Send them to my website, jonathanasley.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. If you want to connect with me, there's links below there as well. I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrick of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone. A pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more fluff in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.