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Wake up, guys! The Avengers is out! It's got your favorite stars plus Scarlett Johansson, and they're playing all of your favorite superheroes. It's your dream come true! My dream come true? The Golden Girls team up with Meryl Streep and the cast of Smash to fight Ahmadinejad and the woman who invented Spanx. But we're not in my dream, are we? Nope, I'm wide awake, and I'm miserable (Bryan sings the word "miserable").
Yup, The Avengers seems like a surefire hit. But we've thought this way about other superhero movies before, and it's backfired. Hi Ryan Reynolds! Bye Blake Lively! So here's the 5 worst superhero movies ever made and the mistakes we can learn from them.
#5. Catwoman Before Catwoman came out, we were all like, oh, we know who you are! We know your story, we get you, and we like you. You're a cautionary tale about a woman who can't keep a man because she doesn't like getting Brazilian waxes. But then Catwoman came out and we were like, "who the fuck are you? What the fuck is this? Oh oh wait. My bad, all is forgiven." In Catwoman, Halle Berry proves once again that she is completely deaf to jokes. But this mess isn't just her fault. It was directed by Pitof __. That's it, just Pitof. Pitof made some terrible decisions including giving Halle Berry a male stunt double. But at least Halle Berry landed on her feet, Pitof went on to direct a made for TV movie named "Fire and Ice" under a pseudonym.
#4. The Fantastic Four. The lesson is simple: Jessica Alba cannot save the world.
#3. Superman IV: Quest for Peace If you're gonna make a superhero movie, you need special effects. Which means you need a lot of money. And "Superman IV: Quest for Peace" ran out of money halfway through production. Another huge mistake? Christopher Reeve got to have story input in this film, which is why Superman's main agenda in this movie is doing away with nuclear weapons. Guys, we can't trust actors with story input. Imagine if Sean Penn made Tree of Life be about Haiti instead of about - whatever it's about. Is that movie about Microsoft screen savers?
#2. SuperGirl In 1984, Hollywood thought to itself, "You know what? Women need a superhero too. Enough with this double-standard! Women are not treated fairly in this industry!" Hahaha! Just kidding. Hollywood has never thought that. Instead, in an effort to cash in on the Superman success, they made a super-crappy movie about Superman's female cousin who comes to Earth to save her planet made of cellophane. But the major conflict in this movie is SuperGirl fighting a witch played by Faye Dunaway. And they're fighting over a guy who does landscape architecture. Seriously! So like a woman. At least now our eyes have been opened, and things have changed around here for the better. Just ask Sean Young.
#1. Batman and Robin. "Batman and Robin" is what happens when a franchise abandons everything to appear on Dancing with the Stars. It looks terrible - seriously, was this entire movie shot inside an abandoned Planet Hollywood? The dialogue is terrible. Guess how many times Mr. Freeze tells Batman to "chill"? I don't know and you don't either because nobody can watch this movie. And it's acted terribly. I know what you're thinking - "Oh, you think Chris O'Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Alicia Silverstone are bad actors?! What are you, normal?" Plus, cinema's most complex superhero is played by George Clooney - aka Papa Smirk. Batman's inner life in this movie is like, "Hey baby, swingin' party. Have you seen my weapons? They are far out. Come over and check 'em out sometime. No? I saw my parents get killed right in front of me. So, I'm sensitive. And extremely fuckable." In "Batman and Robin," Batman is like Mae West with a buzz cut and rubber nipples. Lesson: Take it seriously.
So consider this a warning, new Spider-Man and new Catwoman. You've got some very tiny shoes to fill.