 What are you doing here? Why aren't you going out to socialize to have one-night stands? To drink yourself to oblivion in obscure bars and pubs whose names you will not remember the next morning Why don't you play video games? For an average of four and a half hours a day latest data Why don't you I don't know watch reruns Stuff yourself with popcorn. Are there's a pandemic out there? That's the reason Well in this case Lovely people. I'm the next best option and today I'm going to discuss two instruments two tools They are very rough and tumble They're very rule-of-thumb Heuristics They are not tested. They're not peer reviewed. They're not vetted But they rely on a database of 1791 people diagnosed by mental health practitioners not by their spouses and angry children Diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and their family members a total of several million data points So using the most rigorous statistical methods, I keep analyzing these database which I've accumulated over the past 23 years And I keep coming up with surprising answers and based on these surprising answers I am now trying to construct a series of tools psychological tests and other tools With internal validation in other words tools that the database itself validates now, of course the database is flawed It is self-selecting. It's not representative It's comprised only of people with not extreme the extreme form of narcissism and They're suffering family members. It's all true, but still it's by far by far the largest corpus the largest body of knowledge about this disorder Just for you to have a basis for comparison The biggest tests ever conducted biggest experiments because studies ever conducted Involved anywhere between 24 and 100 people diagnosed with narcissism That's it So I think I have what to contribute and Today I'm going to discuss two rough Instruments raw instruments that I'm working with which might be of interest definitely of interest to narcissists and Of some interest to people who are forced to leave or collaborate or work with narcissists Looking from the from the outside So the first tool is is what I call the Hertz HERS the heartbreak heartbreak and recovery scale It's actually a tool to gauge Modification you remember modification and if you don't I recommend an advice To search for modification on my channel. By the way, my channel the YouTube channel is searchable There is a magnifying glass symbol and you can click on it and search the channel for relevant Videos you can search by title you can search by keyword and so so there are about four if I recall correctly videos dedicated to modification Now just to remind you what is modification? Modification is a state a state of mind of the narcissist induced By an extreme challenge or injury To his self image the way he sees himself or the way he sees himself as a pronounced component of grandiosity So that is challenge and undermined in a process of modification But there are also other components for example egocintin the narcissist feels good with himself Some narcissists even convince convince themselves. They're good people And so any challenge to the self image and self perception of the narcissist that is sufficiently abrupt sufficiently strong to penetrate his defenses can cause Modification by forcing the narcissist to see himself as other people see him Narciss Dennis is Cannot escape it becomes inescapable cannot escape himself He sees himself as a creep as a monster as an abuser as a bad guy as and he can't cope with it He can't tolerate it. So he decompensates Disintegrates and very often acts out or develops clinical depression etc etc. I discussed all this in the previous videos and to remind you modification is caused by in in most cases In romantic relationships modification is caused by Substituting another man for the narcissist in a new shared fantasy This tends to cause modification and exit from the shared fantasy by the romantic or intimate partner and Shifting all the blame and responsibility to the narcissist, especially if such a shift is merited These are the three components that lead to what we call external Modification on the narcissist and I've designed a tool which could tell the narcissist to what extent he is modified This tool also predicts how long will it take the narcissist to recover From a traumatic breakup or from infidelity by his cherished partner This tool also predicts if the narcissist will be able to remain friends With the cherished partner or will try to hover her or will he go no contact? And finally this tool is useful in predicting Will the nice narcissist try again hovering aforementioned overly will he try again? But seriously will he try to re-establish the shared fantasy? Will he give the intimate partner a second chance at relationship recovery? So the instrument which I again I call call the instrument heartbreak and recovery scale hers The instrument has six questions and each of these questions You know you you need to answer yes or no if it's a no. It's a zero if it's a yes. It's a one So the first question is Did what she or he I'm going to use she but of course it applies also to to male intimate partners of female narcissists So in this case, we are talking about female intimate partners of male narcissists But there is no gender prejudice here. It's simply for convenience sake So the first question is did what she do come as a shock to you? Or was it predictable the culmination of a visible evident process? If the answer is yes, it came as a shock Give yourself one point if the answer is no, I saw it coming give yourself zero Number two question number two. Did she humiliate you in the process? Especially in public and in front of your peers If the answer is yes one if the answer is no zero number three Did you react with anger or even rage that just wouldn't go away even after the event? Yes or no number four Following the events which led to the modification Were you desperate where you in the throes of catastrophizing? Did you say to yourself? I will never find someone to replace her Or did you have negative automatic thoughts are always failing my relationships? I'm a monster. I made it happen, etc Did you have all this and this is called internal notification? If you had any of these thoughts give yourself one if you didn't give yourself zero Question number five in the aftermath. Did you experience profound sadness dysphoria? And did nothing give you pleasure? Didn't you find did you couldn't find pleasure in anything? It's called anhedonia if you experience dysphoria or depression and nothing gave you pleasure After the event in the aftermath of the event give yourself one If everything was okay a week or two or three later give yourself zero And finally the last question in the wake of the dissolution of the bond Did you feel excruciating pain? Overwhelming romantic jealousy or pathological envy any of these if the answer is yes one no zero now If you score it in this test two to three It is improbable that you will ever be in touch with that traumatizing person again With the former intimate father If you score it four It usually prefaces predicts and foresees a new phase Of mere friendship or companionship between the two of you But no the no re-establishment no reconstituting the shared fantasy no romance Just transition to another form of relationship And if you scored five or six This usually would lead to frenzied Although doomed attempts to restore the relationship to its former romantic self to reconstitute the shared fantasy And I explained why narcissists try to reconstitute the shared fantasy in another video They're trying to replace external modification with internal modification or another external modification It's the only way they can survive But at any rate this tool gives you From an analysis of our of my database this tool gives you very very accurate prediction The sensitivity is about 98 and the specificity Is well over 95 percent. You know what's prediction is iron clad And I'll summarize it again If you scored two to three You will never be in touch game if you scored four After some time you will make contact you will try to Hoover her But not as a romantic part usually as a friend as a companion friend with benefits If you scored five or six You will be hysterical. You will be in panic. You will be driven. You will be compulsive trying to re-establish the shared fantasy trying to Hoover her to scoop her back to Brainwash her again to addict her to condition her to be again your intimate romantic partner In order to resolve actually the modification Now the second instrument that that I designed I've designed quite a few dozen actually i'm going to introduce them gradually over time The second instrument that I would like to to discuss today is what I call the s1 s2 score S1 is promiscuity and s2 is self-efficacy Now let me explain. What is what is promiscuity and what is self-efficacy? promiscuity Is indiscriminately engaging in sex With partners almost regardless of their qualities trades behaviors and profile Self-efficacy is the ability to induce beneficial outcomes In the environment and in your life through your efforts By exerting yourself by investing by working hard You succeed to obtain results. You succeed to accomplish things the more you succeed The more self-efficacious you are You then have agency over your life So these are the two parameters promiscuity and self-efficacy when I say promiscuity I'm referring to someone and again I'm going to use the female pronoun, but it equally applies to the male pronoun Right now there is there are excellent reasons to believe there are equal numbers of narcissists among men and women as opposed to 20 years ago Narcissism has risen dramatically. This has been a tsunami wave of narcissism among women So I'm going to use the female voice, but it's just for convenience sake supreme obscurity is Sleeping with multiple partners simultaneously Engaging in group sex Engaging in casual sex habitually as a habit or as the main form of sex Serial cheating on a dedicated intimate partner primary in a primary relationship. So for example cheating on your husband group sex with relatives Or sex with relatives including insist sex With age inappropriate partners very old men very young Casual sex with strangers in unusual impersonal settings rape Sexual acts and teasing so teasing as a form of sexual act Sex while drunk or while high or while stoned or while wasted habitually again not as a one one off but as a habit And sexting As as a habit All these things are strong indicators and components ingredients of promiscuity So this is promiscuity I found out found out from analyzing my database that they are five five traits of a potential source of supply Which rendered the source of supply? Irresistible to the narcissist If the potential source of supply has these five traits in varying degrees She becomes a natural a natural As as a source of supply and the narcissist will invest and pursue her and court her much more than others So promiscuity is number one It seems it seems that narcissists react very powerfully to promiscuity number two self-trashing Narcissists are attracted very strongly almost irresistibly to women who self-trash When I say self-trash engage in reckless behaviors self-damaging self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors As a form of self-punishment As a form of self-devaluation self-degradation and self-dispoiling That attracts the narcissist a lot The next thing that seems to be a determinant and a predictor A prognosticator of attraction is disclosure So The more open The future partner about her promiscuity and self-trashing The more the narcissist is going to be attracted irresistibly inexorably And at the same time develop severe abandonment anxiety feel pain feel a lot of pain and react with desperate attempts to re-establish object consistency so If the woman is promiscuous self-trashing and talks openly about it this trifecta is Almost guarantees That the narcissist will gravitate Towards such a partner and will try to acquire her to make her his to possess her And to convert her and transform her Into his partner his intimate partner in the shared fantasy The next two components Are diametrically opposed to the first three in many ways first of all The level of organization of the personality A high level of organization The higher the level of organization of personality The more the narcissist is attracted Now it usually doesn't go together A high level of organization of personality sits Seats ill doesn't doesn't usually go with self-trashing or promiscuity Women who self-trash and are promiscuous and especially if they're proud of it Are usually women with very low self-esteem Label moods and dysregulated emotions This is for example a typical profile of a woman with borderline A personality disorder or even histrionic personality disorder hyper dysregulated emotionality but If the narcissist finds this unicorn A promiscuous self-trashing woman Whose personality is highly organized and they do exist by the way Whose personality is highly organized That renders her as I just said a unicorn and finally self-efficacy A high self-efficacy is again very attractive to the narcissist Something that draws him in In a way that he cannot resist does not want to resist Put the five together promiscuity self-trashing full proud disclosure High organizational personality and high self-efficacy And you get the ideal profile Over-partner in the shared fantasy of course the narcissist never finds this profile in its totality He compromises he finds three out of five elements. It's good enough finds four wonderful But if he finds five, this is going to be the woman of his life Why is that? Can we try to understand the psychodynamic background to this bizarre compulsion of traits and behaviors? Well, first of all You do remember that narcissists are subject to Madonna whore A Madonna whore complex. They divide all women into Madonna's Asexual Madonna's Sexless Madonna's Saints women with whom They can develop a business Establish a family do many things together be great companions, but no sex They will not have sex with them because sex is defiling Self is despoiling self is degrading and you don't do it. You don't do this to a saint or to a Madonna Or to your truly intimate partner in life So there's Madonna and then there's whore whore all the other women the women who are legitimate sex sex objects The women who can be subjected to sadistic dismantling Dispoiling degrading demeaning debasing Uh by the narcissist the only type of sex he knows kinky But with humiliation with a pronounced element of humiliating the woman and the they're all these other women So the promiscuity and self-trashing elements that we mentioned before and especially if the woman is proud of these things They indicate their strong indicators of a whore Of of exactly the type of woman Who would constitute a legitimate sex object in the narcissist mind? It's like a red light goes on. Wow a siren. Yeah, she is the one she is the prostitute. She is the The woman who would allow me who would let me You know do anything to her She will not resist or object Or reject me never mind what I do to her never mind how I humiliate her never mind How I despoil her cause of pain et cetera et cetera the sadistic element and And so these are the indicators of this and then the personality organization And the self-efficacy They are hallmarks of a mother Mothers are highly organized Well supposed to be highly organized. They are highly self-efficacious. They obtain results. They accomplish things They are the safe base of the child. The child feels that the the mother is a pillar She's a foundation. She's stable. She's always there. She's safe. She's she she's protective So a high personality organization high self-efficacy are motherlike elements Saint-like elements So the Madonna horror complex causes the narcissist to look for the impossible a woman who on one hand Is a playmate A playmate in the whorish sense in the sexual sense promiscuous self-trashing open to submissiveness open to sadism open to kink open to humiliation And on the other hand he wants in the same woman woman to have strong personality traits entrepreneurship go-getter daredevil Self-efficacious gets what she wants goes for it as a high personality organization stable strong cool-headed, etc And he wants this combination now Believe it or not, this combination does exist And the narcissist spends most of his life looking for exactly this kind of woman and when he finds her His infatuation is limitless Is limitless and the subsequent shared fantasy is Full substitute for reality. He then totally migrates from reality into the shared fantasy and And when he's inevitably Mortified because this kind of woman is likely to cheat on him Likely to betray him and likely to finally discard him and abandon him having realized who he is so The end of such a shared fantasy is a massive usually not always A massive modification and remember modification is caused by When the woman migrates to another shared fantasy with another man Exiting the shared fantasy with the narcissist, but she must also Blame the narcissist for her transition Blame him for her cheating for her abandonment for dumping him Transfer all the responsibility to him Make him feel bad about himself If she only does the first two if she transitions to a shared fantasy With another man and exits the fantasy with the narcissist But takes responsibility Blame guilt and shame upon herself Exempting the narcissist Exonerating the narcissist. There will not be modification So these are two tools that narcissists can, you know Use at their leisure and pleasure Nothing much to do during this pandemic and I hope They will derive some insights although that's a very tall order When it comes to narcissists I The next video I'm going to make Is in response to a series of questions I've received about how I'm coping during this pandemic What's my what's my inner landscape? How do I feel? And so So stay with us for the next episode