 Pretty little black skin girl, pretty little diamond ring, carry me on beauty, carry me on beauty. Hey Gems, welcome back to my channel. So if you watched my previous video about my pregnancy update, then you are most likely expecting to see this video of me talking more about what I experienced or what I am experiencing with prenatal depression. I was supposed to film this video yesterday because I filmed like four different videos yesterday and you know I was just in the mood and my spirits was much higher than today but I still want to get this out. So as I mentioned in my previous video, I was diagnosed with prenatal depression. I didn't even know that existed, I didn't know it was a thing. The only reason I ended up doing some research to figure out what was going on with me is because I knew what I was feeling was different than what I felt during my first pregnancy. So even though when I was pregnant with my son, I was sick and you know still going to work and you know I had a lot going on. I didn't feel so low. I didn't have problems thinking positive. I not once rushed through my pregnancy saying things like I can't wait for this to be over or I can't wait to be finished being pregnant. Like I never rushed through my pregnancy. I always embraced every moment of it. However with this pregnancy in the beginning, it was really hard for me to do that and I couldn't pinpoint why and then with me feeling like that, I felt guilty, would just add it to it and this continued for a while and I kind of just kept signing it off as oh you're pregnant, it's just hormones, you're fine. But I just kept telling myself like but I didn't feel like this before like this is something isn't right like I shouldn't feel this down. I literally went through this in silence with myself like I didn't tell my fiancé, I didn't tell any family members, I didn't tell anybody exactly what I was feeling because I thought it would come off as me complaining and I was not trying to complain at all. However just deep down that intuition, that gut feeling, I just knew it wasn't normal like normal in terms of what I'm feeling isn't just the pregnancy hormonal symptoms. It's something deeper. So that's when I went and I did some research. I think I googled like is it possible to be depressed while pregnant. I googled something like that and then the term perinatal slash prenatal depression came up. Now I didn't know like something like that exists, I'm only aware of postpartum depression which actually happens after you have the baby. So I was kind of shocked yet relieved that this was a thing. I was relieved because at least now I knew what was going on and now I can implement things to feel better. Before I just felt like I was going crazy because I couldn't pinpoint what it was. I couldn't verbally explain to anybody what I was feeling and what I was going through. So I felt so alone, I felt so down. I was just literally at one of the lowest of lows in my life and I know that sounds bad. I know that sounds bad but like that's literally just how I felt at the time. Perinatal depression occurs during or after pregnancy. So that's the complete term perinatal depression that is broken up into while you're pregnant and then after you have the baby. So while you're pregnant it's called prenatal depression and then after you have the baby it's called postpartum depression. When I found this out I started doing more research. I went to YouTube looking up videos to see if anybody was sharing their story. I found a few videos, not much, but I found a handful of videos. I watched some of them and I was like okay this makes sense now. It was finally like making sense to me and I was able to just wrap my head around everything. So that helped a lot in itself just finding out what was really going on with myself. So perinatal depression is basically a mood disorder that can affect women during pregnancy or after childbirth. So for me it's during my pregnancy and there's not just one thing that triggers it. You can't just pinpoint the cause and just feel like voila it's fixed. It could be a combination of things that trigger your perinatal depression and every woman may experience different symptoms. Some of the symptoms that I was feeling was just feeling very, I remember feeling very guilty, very overwhelmed, tired and fatigued and I know tiredness and fatigue comes along with regular pregnancy but this was different. I couldn't sleep at night at all. For weeks I was not getting sleep. I literally would go to bed and I'm just laying there trying to go to sleep and I cannot sleep. I remember one night that I actually just never went to sleep. My eyes were open, I saw the sun come up, like I didn't get any sleep at all. I was having trouble concentrating and getting things done that I would normally do, whether it was making my products, even recording a video, doing yoga. Everything that I knew that I loved doing and would do on a daily basis, I was having a hard time bringing myself to do it and with that I felt like I wasn't getting anything accomplished within which then added to my me feeling down because I felt like I was just helpless, hopeless. It was just a lot of negative thoughts and energy and I hated it. I wish that it was as simple as me just flicking the switch and turning it off but no matter what I did it just would not go away. The feeling of just feeling so down and sad, it just didn't go away no matter what I did. I am trying to hold it together y'all. I also had trouble eating. I had no appetite after a while. When I first found out I was pregnant those first two weeks after, I was eating a lot but once this feeling kicked in, like I couldn't eat, I didn't have an appetite, I would literally try and force myself to eat just so that I know I'm providing my baby with nutrients because the thing is that while feeling like this and while going through this, I felt so guilty. I felt guilty because I had a Sunday I needed to take care of that needed my attention and I just didn't have the energy to do the things I would normally do so I just, I kind of just wanted to pass the time away. I would wake up in the morning just waiting for nighttime to come just so that the day would be over. And that's no way to live y'all like that is, that is depression. That is depression, okay? And I've never experienced that to that extent before, never in my life. So perinatal depression can be very mild or it could be very severe. I would not consider my case severe because I've never had thoughts of harming myself or my unborn baby. So I wouldn't say I had a severe case, but I do know that what I was feeling was not normal for just pregnancy. It was something deeper. I just want, I was just so concerned the whole time about my unborn child and my son. I just felt like with me feeling like that I'm passing a lot of negative energy to my baby. I felt like maybe I wasn't providing my baby with the nutrients it needed. Even though I was taking like my prenatal and all of drinking my teas and stuff, like being that I didn't have an appetite and all of that, like I just felt like I was doing my body and my baby of his service. And that added to the sadness that added to me feeling down. And then on the other hand, I'm already a mother, so I need to take care of my son. And I felt so overwhelmed during the day because there were days that I'm home alone with my son and I'm literally just crying all day. I'm literally just crying all day and I'm trying to keep him busy and keep him occupied so that he's not just watching me cry all day. And that was hard within itself because even though I didn't want to cry and I wanted to stop crying, it's like I just couldn't turn it off, it just kept coming. It came to the point where like I had to talk to my fiance and tell him like a few days out of the week you're going to have to just take him with you. That's what it came down to. So you know, eventually like I said when I figured out what was going on with me, we implemented certain things so that I can feel better. Before I get to that, like I am going to insert a clip here of a video I recorded back in April. I think it was like April 17th or something of just one of those days I was having. I don't think I recorded it with intentions of uploading it or doing anything, but I was literally scrolling through my phone yesterday and saw it and was like, I rewatched it and all of those thoughts and feelings came back and I was like, this would give it a better breakdown or better insight of what I was feeling in that moment. So I'm going to insert that video here. I'm really having a rough day. I think I literally spent my whole day crying so far. Don't mind how I look, but it's pregnancy. But it's being very, very funny. I'm finding it to be more challenging than my previous pregnancy with Josiah. I don't know, but I didn't come to this conclusion today, but when I did come to it, I was pregnant. Yeah, this pregnancy was a surprise and everything and I had no plans on being pregnant right now, but I pulled past the end of the day to be a baby as a lesson. It's not like I didn't want more children. So like I accepted it, but I am having a hard time on a daily basis with all these symptoms and it's driving me crazy. Like I literally some days feel like I'm just depressed and I can't do anything about it. And with that, I'm like constantly worried about the baby and you know, if he or she is getting everything it needs, I'm not doing anything to affect the growth and development. Because right now I struggle with appetite. I'm throwing up a lot. Sometimes I have to make myself throw up just to feel better. It's a lot. It's hard, especially days when, you know, it's just me and Josiah home, which is most of the time right now is really hard on me. And this morning I just I felt so overwhelmed, so emotional. So just defeated that I just couldn't help but to cry. And I cried and I cried. I cried on and off all day. I'm outside now feeling Josiah because he woke up from his nap. Even before that, like I was inside putting Josiah down for his nap. He would not go to sleep. No matter what I did, he would just cry. And he usually don't do that. Like he would go to sleep and he knows time for a nap. But today he just gave me a hard time and I just sat there and cried with him. I sat there and cried with him because I just I was so tired. It's just this pregnancy is just so different. I'm spitting again. I'm walking around with the most of my part is the slash mucus. That's like literally opposite. And yes, it is a pregnancy symptom. I even looked it up because I was like, how do I get rid of this? I'm like sick. I might do apricot. Just during pregnancy, your body produces more mucus. Mucus and that could that could end up in your throat as well. I was congested, literally always hocking up trying to get rid of the mucus. And it's like you walk and more calm. Like it's like a never ending cycle. The only time I and whenever I swallow is like a ball just in my throat. And that makes me gag, which then makes me vomit. I just sometimes feel defeated. And I'm not going to say every day is absolutely the worst. But this pregnancy as a whole so far is actually very difficult for me. I feel like it's harder than what to say because what to say. Even though I have a mucus in my throat, it wasn't this severe and it didn't last so long. I just decided to get some fresh air, try and clear my mind and be strong enough to take care of my child. Literally that's all my energy goes into right now is taking care of your child. I'm just going to end this video. Just wanted to vent a little bit. That's quite frankly like when I talk to people about what I'm feeling. Yeah, they're there to listen, but like nobody really understands what I'm feeling. Yeah, I have friends that have baby, but when I talk about my symptom, they're like that didn't happen to me. So I just feel like nobody really understands and it makes me feel alone in that sense. But it is what it is. The only thing that's really keeping me through this pregnancy is knowing the joy I'm going to feel. When I get to hold my baby for the first time, but everything else was just like I'm literally taking it one day at a time. And when I wake up, it's like I'm counting down the hours to like go to sleep again just to that time as fast as possible. It's not a good way to live and I'm just hoping that I'm not passing no negative energy to my baby, but it's really hard for me right now. Either shortly before or shortly after that video is when I knew I just needed more help. I even recorded that video. How I even found out that what I was going through was prenatal depression. Like I said, I went and Google something and it came up. So after that, I called my midwife and I explained to her how I was feeling and that, you know, this is different than my first pregnancy and I'm concerned or whatever. So she did an evaluation with me, asking me certain questions and giving me a scale to choose from. And at the end of it, she was like, well, you're definitely depressed. At that point, she gave me certain tips and tricks of things to implement on a daily basis to help me feel better. For one, going outside more, getting fresh air, getting more sunlight, exercising, what else? Making sure my vitamin D levels were up because before I found out I was pregnant, my vitamin D level was very low, which is not surprising because ever since I started working from home, I didn't really have a reason to go out. So that's just less sun I was getting. There would be days that I wouldn't even leave my house at all in terms of just walking outside. So my vitamin D levels were not where they should be at all. So that's another thing she told me I should do is try and get my vitamin D levels up. What else? She said ask for help. Like don't be afraid to verbally ask for help. And that's one thing I wasn't doing. I wasn't expressing that, yo, I really need help right now. And I was just keeping everything in and I was making things worse. So after I spoke to my midwife, I of course spoke to my fiancee. I try and broke down to him what I was feeling, what I was going through. That's when we implemented certain things. I can taking my son with him a few days out of the week, me getting more fresh air and going outside more and trying to be active, even if it's just taking a walk around my community. So I started doing those things and within a couple of weeks, I started to have way more good days than bad days. However, I knew that's not all I needed. I knew I also needed just more help on a daily basis. So that is when I asked my mom, like, you think it would be possible for one of my sisters to come up. And although she wanted to send them, and mind you at this point, I didn't tell my mother what I was going through. I didn't tell anybody except for my fiancee yet that I was experiencing the prenatal depression. So I asked her without her even knowing why. And although she wanted to send them or they wanted to come, it just wasn't realistic or ideal for them to come. Because like I said, they all do work. And I wouldn't be able to pay them while they're up there. And if they're not working, they don't get paid and they have their own responsibilities. So my mother, she suggested that maybe we ask my fiancee's sister to come down, even though she's still in high school, you know, at that time school was, I think school was out because of the whole virus thing. And it's not like she like had a job or something. So she was like, maybe ask her instead, since, you know, she already lives in the States. And maybe that would be easier. So I told my fiance to call his mother and ask him. And I honestly don't know how that conversation went. But for whatever reason, she said that his sister couldn't come. And she actually suggested that I send my son to them. I just remember hearing him on the phone saying, I doubt it, but I'll ask her. I don't know the details of the conversation, but I remember hearing that part. So when he got off the phone, he asked me. And I immediately broke down. I broke down because I was already feeling how I was feeling. And it wasn't that I was trying to get rid of my son. Like he is what was keeping me going. He was what was getting me through the day. So for somebody to want to take that away from me, I felt like my world was just crumbling. And I was like, no, he can't go. No, he can't go. I didn't even say why. I just said, no, he can't go. At that point, my fiance got a little frustrated with me because he's like, so why can't he go? Like at least explain to me why. But at that point I was already in tears. I couldn't verbally explain myself. I was just crying and saying, no, he can't go. No, he can't go. After I calmed down, I was able to verbally explain to him like why I don't want him to go. And he was like, okay, I understand. But you need help. So what is the other solution? And I just remember crying and crying and like feeling so hopeless because yes, I need help, but I don't want to send him away. Like he's still young. And not only did I need him there with me because that boy, he is what was literally getting me through the day. He does certain things that just made me laugh randomly or put a smile on my face. Like there was no way I could send him away or there was no way that I could be away from him during this time, even though I was going through a hard time. So that was the day that I called my mother, crying, bawling my eyes out, begging, asking for someone to please come get me. Please come help me, whatever. And that's when my mother was like, okay, I'm going to come for you. I can't stay up there, but I'm going to come up and then travel back down with you so that you have help and don't have to travel by yourself. I was, I felt so defeated that even though I didn't want to have my son away from his father either, because him and his father is like this, I just, I felt so defeated that I said, okay, come for me, please. Okay. And two days, it took like two days and she brought her plane ticket. Couple of days after that, we both bought our plane ticket to fly back down to the Virgin Islands. During that span of time of waiting to leave Florida to come here, I just continued to try and have more good days than bad, which did actually happen. I still implemented the certain things like, you know, getting more fresh air, getting more sun, making sure I take, making sure I maintain my vitamin D levels and all of that. I continued doing those things and it did help, but ultimately I needed help with my son more and when my mom came up, it just, it was even a bigger relief off of me because, you know, she would take over, she would take over sometimes and just, you know, deal with him. He loves to read and he'll bring you one book and when you finish that one book, best believe he's bringing you seven more books on his show. So stuff like that. She would be the one reading book after book to him, kind of just keeping him busy because he's young. He was also doing this toddler regression thing where he was just so attached to me that he always wanted me to lift him up and comfort him and he would be cranky and whiny. And so just like how I was going to change this, he was as well because it's a new journey for all of us. He knew something was different with me. He knew something was going on with me and he didn't know how to handle it either. So I tried not to be too hard on him either. So it was just a lot of different components. I'm losing my sunlight. I need to hurry up. It was just a lot of different components. So it's kind of hard to just say one thing helped me. It was just a combination of things that helped me. And now being back home in the Virgin Islands has been even better because I'm getting way more sun. I'm outside so much more. I'm able to go to the beach, which is literally my happy place. And I just feel overall so much better. So, so, so much better. I've only had, I would say, three down days since I've been here. And I've been here going on a month so far. So that's just such a huge improvement in itself. Today my spirits wasn't as high as they were yesterday, but it's not to the point where I feel just overwhelmed and low and can't get anything done and crying and all of that. I'm not, I'm not at that today. But in total, I think I had like three days that I just, you know, would break down crying and I didn't know why exactly. And I would just go outside and sit in the sun and breathe and just kind of focus my, turn my attention inwards and just focus on me. And that helps. It really does. I still find it hard to kind of be productive sometimes. And I, I'm always like meant to be fighting with myself, trying to convince myself that it's okay to just take this downtime and focus on me and relax and take care of myself. But there's a lot that I also have going on. It's life. And regardless of that part of my pregnancy, it's literally, it's been a, it has literally been a blessing to me because it's opened up my eyes in so many different ways. And I feel blessed that I am able to come to this realization and growth during this pregnancy. That's a whole other topic in itself really, but I've really improved and grew since I found out I'm pregnant. And I think that was the universe way of pushing me beyond what I thought I can do and can be, if that makes sense. So yeah, all in all, I do feel better, but I wanted to film this video so that other women knew that they're not alone at all. And I want to build a community with women, like-minded women, like-minded mothers, like-minded parents period, that we're all going through a journey of growth and improvement because it's very easy to be surrounded by people and still feel alone. And when you know that there's others out there that may be experiencing some of the same things you are, it makes it just a little bit easier. One thing that all of this has taught me as well is how to let go. And by let go, I mean of let go of expectations, let go of ideas and people and thoughts that may no longer serve you. And there's a lot of that that has been going on. In fact, the few people that I did reach out to and tell them what I was experiencing, I feel like they didn't even take me serious. They weren't there for me the way I thought they would be. The two people that was really there for me in terms of people that I consider my friend or sister or somebody close to me, I didn't expect them to be that. And the people that I expected to be that was not that. So it just, it just allowed me to let go of expectations, let go of what I think people should do or think people should treat, or how I think people should treat me and all of that. And I'm so much more at peace. This has nothing to do with no one but me, okay? So like, I don't want anyone to like act like I'm doing shade or anything. It has nothing to do with that. I'm just saying that I've come to realizations that helped me feel better during this process. And I'm content with that and I'm okay with that. Everybody have their own lives and have their own things they're going through. And I can't expect people to drop what they're doing and what they're going through to come to my aid. And at the time I did, because I've done the same for them in the past or know that I would have done the same for them. But it is what it is, man. I could say that some of the things that I think triggered the depression is not just the surprise of the pregnancy because like I said, I do want more children. Well, I did want more children so the pregnancy I was able to still embrace. I think it was more so that I came into 2020 with all these plans and ideas. And I had decided that oh, I'm going to focus on my business and grow my business and expand and launch new products and do this. I signed up for literally so many events from January up until like September. And I was only able to do like two of them. The virus kind of canceled the rest, which was to me just everything kind of came together because even the stuff that I should have been doing, I didn't have to not do it because of my pregnancy. It was more so the whole COVID-19 thing that kind of shut that down. So it just gave me more room to focus on myself and focus on my growth and think about the things that I really want to do and what is really important to me and how I really want to live my life. And oh, I'm saying I'm the lack. But that was helpful. It really gave me time to turn my attention inward literally and focus on myself. And I think I'm in such a much better place now, mentally, spiritually, definitely, and emotionally. So I can't say that those changes are just the one thing that caused my depression. Another thing that really weighed heavy on me is the fact that when I found out I was pregnant again, I felt so guilty because I felt like I was cutting my son's time short. I felt like I was doing him a disservice. And I know it sounds crazy, but this is just how I felt at the time. I felt like I was doing him a disservice by bringing another baby on board and he's only one because now I have to share my attention and I have to split everything. And I felt like, what if I can't, you know? So these were all these thoughts going in my head. And at the same time I was potty training him. Getting pregnant made me have to wean him much quicker than I had planned to. What else? Because my breast was so sore. I did continue to nurse him even after I found out I was pregnant, but that only lasted a few weeks because my breasts and nipples were so sore that it was so painful to continue nursing him. And that was a journey in itself, just trying to wean him and get him on 100% solids. So all of these changes were just happening so rapidly that it just made me feel too overwhelmed. Anyways, my son is now home. I hope you guys enjoyed this. I hope that you were able to take something of value from it and that even if this isn't something that you've experienced yourself, it just opened your mind up to some of the things that women go through when they're pregnant and maybe gives you an idea of how to help them, you know? But I hope you enjoyed this video. I wish you all love, light and prosperity and you guys will see me in my next one. Peace. This is proof, figure, and it's magic and everything you do is in our nerves, proof, figure.