 Chapter 10 Part 3 of the Memoirs of Jacques Casanova, Volume 1, by Jacques-Como Casanova. The Memoirs of Jacques Casanova, Volume 1, by Jacques-Como Casanova, Episode 2, Cleric in Naples, Chapter 10, Part 3. About midnight, as I was ready to go to bed, and just as I was opening my door to take the key from outside, an abbey rushed panting into my room and threw himself on a chair. It was Barbara. I guessed what had taken place, and for seeing all the evil consequences her visit might have for me, deeply annoyed and very anxious, I abraded her for having taken refuge in my room and untreated her to go away. All that I was, knowing that I was only ruining myself without any chance of saving her, I ought to have compelled her to leave my room. I ought to have called for the servants if she had refused to withdraw. But I had not courage enough, or rather, I voluntarily obeyed the decrees of destiny. When she heard my order to go away, she threw herself on her knees, and, melting into tears, she begged, she entreated my pity, whereas the heart of steel, which is not softened by the tears, were the prayers of a pretty and unfortunate woman. I gave way, but I told her that it was ruined for both of us. No one, she replied, has seen me. I am certain, when I entered the mansion and came up to your room, and I consider my visit here a week ago as most fortunate, otherwise I never could have known which washed your room. Alas! How much better if you had never come? But what has become of your lover? The spirit have carried him off, as well as the servant. I will tell you all about it. My lover had informed me that a carriage would wait to-night at the foot of the flight of steps before the church of Trinidad del Monte, and that he would be there himself. I entered his room through the garret window an hour ago. There I put on this disguise, and, accompanied by the servant, proceeded to meet him. The servant walked a few yards before me, and carried a parcel of my things. At the corner of the street, one of the buckles of my shoes being unfastened, I stopped an instant, and the servant went on, thinking that I was following her. She reached the carriage, got into it, and, as I was getting nearer, a light from a lantern disclosed to me some thirties speary. At the same instant, one of them got on the driver's box and drove off at full speed, carrying off the servant, whom they must have mistaken for me, and my lover, who was in the coach, awaiting me. What could I do at such a fearful moment? I could not go back to my father's house, and I followed my first impulse which brought me here. And here I am. You tell me that my presence will cause you ruin. If it is so, tell me what to do. I feel I am dying, but find some expedient that I am ready to do anything, even to lay my life down, rather than be the cause of your ruin. But she wept more bitterly than ever. Her position was so sad, that I thought it worse even than mine, although I could almost fancy I saw ruin before me, despite my innocence. Let me, I said, conduct you to your father. I feel sure of obtaining your pardon. But my proposal only enhanced her fears. I am lost, she exclaimed. I know my father. Ah, Reverend Sir, turn me out into the street, and abandon me to my miserable fate. No doubt I ought to have done so, and I would have done it if the consciousness of what was due to my own interest had been stronger than my feeling of pity. But her tears, I have often said it, and those amongst my readers who have experienced it must be of the same opinion. There is nothing on earth more irresistible than two beautiful eyes shedding tears, when the owner of those eyes is handsome, honest and unhappy. I found myself physically unable to send her away. My poor girl, I said at last, when daylight comes and that will not be long for it is past midnight, what do you intend to do? I must leave the palace, she replied, sobbing. In this disguise no one can recognize me. I will leave Rome, and I will walk straight before me until I fall on the ground, dying with grief and fatigue. With these words she fell on the floor. She was choking. I could see her face turn blue. I was in the greatest distress. I took off her neck-band, and laced her stays under the Abbey's dress. I threw cold water in her face, and I finally succeeded in bringing her back to consciousness. The night was extremely cold, and there was no fire in my room. I advised her to get into my bed, promising to respect her. Alas, reverend sir, pity is the only feeling with which I can now inspire anyone. And, to speak the truth, I was too deeply moved, and, at the same time, too full of anxiety to leave room in me for any desire. Having induced her to go to bed and her extreme weakness preventing her from doing anything for herself, I undressed her and put her to bed, thus proving once more that compassion will silence the most imperious requirements of nature in spite of all the charms which would, under other circumstances, excite to the highest degree the senses of a man. I lay down near her in my clothes, and woke her at daybreak. Her strength was somewhat restored. She dressed herself alone, and I left my room, telling her to keep quiet until my return. I intended to proceed to her father's house and to solicit her pardon, but, having perceived some suspicious-looking man loitering about the palace, I thought it wise to alter my mind and went to a coffee-house. I soon ascertained that a spy was watching my movements at a distance, but I did not appear to notice him, and, having taken some chocolate and stored a few biscuits in my pocket, I returned towards the palace, apparently without any anxiety or hurry, always followed by the same individual. I judged that the Bargellil, having failed in his project, was now reduced to guesswork, and I was strengthened in that view of the case when the gatekeeper of the palace told me, without my asking any question, as I came in, that an arrest had been attempted during the night and had not succeeded. While he was speaking, one of the auditors of the vicar-general called to inquire when he could see the Abbey Gamma. I saw that no time was to be lost, and went up to my room to decide upon what was to be done. I began by making the poor girl eat a couple of biscuits soaked in some cannery wine, and I took her afterwards to the top story of the palace, where, leaving her in a not very decent closet, which was not used by anyone, I told her to wait for me. My servant came soon after, and I ordered him to lock the door of my room as soon as he finished cleaning it, and to bring me the key at the Abbey Gamma's apartment where I was going. I found Gamma in conversation with the auditor sent by the vicar-general. As soon as he had dismissed him, he came to me, and ordered his servant to serve the chocolate. When we were left alone, he gave me an account of his interview with the auditor, who had come to entreat his eminence to give orders to turn out of his palace a person who was supposed to have taken refuge in it about midnight. "'We must wait,' said the Abbey, until the cardinal is visible, but I am quite certain that if anyone has taken refuge here unknown to him, his eminence will compel that person to leave the palace. We then spoke with the weather and other trifles, until my servant brought my key. Judging that I had at least an hour to spare, I presolved myself over a plan which alone could save Barbara from shame and misery. Feeling certain that I was unobserved, I went up to my poor prisoner, and made her write the following words in French. "'I am an honest girl, Monsignor, though I am disguised in the dress of an Abbey. I entreat your eminence to allow me to give my name only to you and in person. I hope that, prompted by the great goodness of your soul, your eminence will save me from dishonour.' I gave her the necessary instructions, as to sending them the note to the cardinal, assuring her that he would have her brought to him as soon as he read it. "'When you are in his presence,' I added, "'throw yourself on your knees, tell him everything without any concealment, except as regards you are having passed a night in my room. You must be sure not to mention that circumstance, for the cardinal must remain in complete ignorance of my knowing anything whatever of this intrigue. Tell him that, seeing your lover carried off, you rushed to his palace and ran upstairs as far as you could go, and that after a most painful night Heaven inspired you with the idea of writing to him to entreat his pity. I feel certain that, one way or the other, his eminence will save you from dishonour, and it certainly is the only chance you have of being united to the man you love so dearly.' She promised to follow my instructions faithfully, and, coming down, I had my hair dressed and went to church, where the cardinal saw me. I then went out and returned only for dinner, during which the only subject of conversation was the adventure of the night. Gamma alone said nothing, and I followed his example, but I understood from all the talk going on round the table that the cardinal had taken my poor Barbara under his protection. That was all I wanted, and thinking that I had nothing more to fear, I congratulated myself, in petto, upon my stratagem, which had, I thought, proved a master stroke. After dinner, finding myself alone with Gamma, I asked him what was the meaning of it all, and this is what he told me. A father, whose name I do not know yet, had requested the assistance of the vicar general to prevent his son from carrying off a young girl, with whom he intended to leave the states of the church. The pair had arranged to meet at midnight in this very square, and the vicar, having previously obtained the consent of our cardinal, as I told you yesterday, gave orders to the bargello to dispose his men in such a way as to catch the young people in the very act of running away and to arrest them. The orders were executed, but the spear he found out when they returned to the bargello, that they had met with only a half success. The woman who got out of the carriage with a young man not belonged to that species likely to be carried off. Soon afterwards a spy informed the bargello that, at the very moment the arrest was executed, he had seen a young abbey run away very rapidly, and take refuge in his palace, and the suspicion immediately arose that it might be the missing young lady in the disguise of an ecclesiastic. The bargello reported to the vicar general the failure of his men, as well as the account given by the spy, and the prelate sharing the suspicion of the police sent to his eminence, our master, requesting him to have the person in question, man or woman, turned out of the palace, unless such persons should happen to be known to his excellency, and therefore above suspicion. Cardinal Accraviva was made acquainted with these circumstances at nine this morning through the auditor you met in my room, and he promised to have the person sent away unless she belonged to his household. According to his promise, the cardinal ordered the palace to be searched, but, in less than a quarter of an hour, the major domo received orders to stop, and the only reason for these new instructions must be this. I am told by the major domo that at nine o'clock exactly, a very handsome young abbey whom he immediately judged to be a girl in disguise, asked him to deliver a note to his eminence, and that the cardinal, after reading it, had desired the sad abbey to be brought to his apartment, which has not left since. As the auditor stopped searching, the palace was given immediately after the introduction of the abbey to the cardinal. It is easy enough to suppose that this ecclesiastic is no other than the young girl missed by the police, who took refuge in the palace, in which she must have passed the whole night. I suppose, said I, that his eminence will give her up to-day, if not to the Bargello, at least to the Vicar-General. No, not even to the Pope himself, answered Gamma, if not yet the right idea of the protection of our cardinal, and that protection is evidently granted to her, since the young person is not only in the palace of his eminence, but also in his own apartment and under his own guardianship. The whole affair being in itself very interesting, my attention could not appear extraordinary to Gamma, however suspicious he might be naturally, and I was certain that he would not have told me anything if he had guessed the share I had taken in the adventure, and the interest I must have felt in it. The next day Gamma came to my room with a radiant countenance, and informed me that the cardinal Vicar was aware of the ravisher being my friend, and suppose that I was likewise the friend of the girl, as she was the daughter of my French teacher. Everybody, he added, is satisfied that you knew the whole affair, and it is natural to suspect that the poor girl spent the night in your room. I admire your prudent reserve during our conversation of yesterday. You kept so well on your guard that I would have sworn you knew nothing whatever of the affair. And it is the truth, I answered very seriously. I have only learned all the circumstances from you this moment. I know the girl, but I have not seen her for six weeks since I gave up my French lessons. I am much better acquainted with a young man, but he never confided this project to me. However, people may believe whatever they please. You say that it is natural for the girl to have passed the night in my room, but you will not mind my laughing in the face of those who accept their own suppositions as realities. That, my dear friend, said the Abbey, is one of the vices of the Romans, happy those who can afford to laugh at it, but this slander may do you harm even in the mind of our cardinal. As there was no performance at the opera that night, I went to the cardinal's reception. I found no difference towards me, either in the cardinal's menace or in those of any other person, and the martiness was even more gracious than usual. After dinner on the following day, Gamma informed me that the cardinal had sent the young girl to a convent in which she would be well treated at his eminence's expense, and that it was certain that she would leave it only to become the wife of the young doctor. I should be very happy if it should turn out so, I replied, for they are both most estimable people. Two days afterwards I called upon Father Georgie, and he told me, with an air of sorrow, that the great news of the day in Rome was the failure of the attempt to carry off Delaqua's daughter, and that all the honour of the intrigue was given to me, which displaced him much. I told him what I had already told Gamma, and he appeared to believe me, but he added that in Rome people did not want to know things as they truly were, but only as they wished them to be. It is known that you have been in the habit of going every morning to Delaqua's house. It is known that the young men often call on you, that is quite enough. People do not care to know the circumstances which might counteract the slander, but only those likely to give it new force, for slander is vastly relished in the holy city. Your innocence will not prevent the whole adventure being booked to your account, if in forty years' time you were proposed as pope in the conclave. During the following days the fatal adventure began to cause me more annoyance than I could express. For everyone mentioned it to me, and I could see clearly that people pretended to believe what I said only because they did not dare to do otherwise. The marginers told me jeeringly that the Signore de Delaqua had contracted peculiar obligations towards me, but my sorrow was very great when, during the last days of the carnival, I remarked that Cardinal Acoviva's menor had become constrained, although I was the only person who observed the change. The noise made by the affair was, however, beginning to subside when, in the first days of Lent, the cardinal desired me to come to his private room and spoke as follows. The affair of the girl de Delaqua is now over. It is no longer spoken of, but the verdict of the public is that you and I have profited by the clumsiness of the young man who intended to carry her off. In reality I care little for such a verdict, for under similar circumstances I should always act in a similar manner, and I do not wish to know that which no one can compel you to confess, and which, as a man of honour, you must not admit. If you had no previous knowledge of the intrigue, and had actually turned the girl out of your room, supposing she did come to you, you would have been guilty of a wrong and cowardly action, because you would have sealed her misery for the remainder of her days, and it would not have caused you to escape the suspicion of being an accomplice, while at the same time it would have attached to you the odium of desolate treachery. Notwithstanding all I have just said, you can easily imagine that, in spite of my utter contempt for all gossiping fools, I cannot openly defy them. I therefore feel myself compelled to ask you not only to quit my service, but even to leave Rome. I undertake to supply you with an honourable pretext for a departure, so as to ensure you the continuation of the respect which you may have secured through the marks of esteem I have bestowed upon you. I promise you to whisper in the ear of any person you may choose, and even to inform everybody that you are going on an important mission which I have entrusted to you. You have only to name the country where you want to go. I have friends everywhere, and can recommend you to such purpose that you will be sure to find employment. My letters of recommendation will be in my own handwriting, and nobody need know where you are going. Meet me tomorrow at the Villa Negroni, and let me know where my letters are to be addressed. You must be ready to start within a week. Believe me, I am sorry to lose you, but the sacrifice is forced upon me by the most absurd prejudice. Go now, and do not let me witness your grief. He spoke the last words because he saw my eyes filling with tears, and he did not give me time to answer. Before leaving his room I had the strength of mind to compose myself, and I put on such an air of cheerfulness that the epigamma who took me to his room to drink some coffee complimented me upon my happy looks. I am sure, you said, that they are caused by the conversation you have had with his eminence. You are right, but you do not know the sorrow at my heart which I try not to show outwardly. I am afraid of failing in a difficult mission which the Cardinal has entrusted me with this morning. I am compelled to conceal how little confidence I feel in myself in order not to lessen the good opinion his eminence is pleased to entertain of me. If my advice can be of any service to you, pray dispose of me, but you are quite right to show yourself calm and cheerful. Is it any business to transact in Rome? No, it is a journey I shall have to undertake in a week or ten days. Which way? Towards the west. Oh, I am not curious to know. I went out alone and took a walk in a villa pergese where I spent two hours wrapped in dark despair. I liked Rome, I was on the high road to fortune, and suddenly I found myself in the abyss, without knowing where to go, and with all my hopes scattered to the winds. I examined my conduct, I judged myself severely, I could not find myself guilty of any crime save of too much kindness, but I perceived how right the good Father Georgie had been. My duty was not only to take no part in the intrigue of the two lovers, but also to change my French teacher the moment I heard of it, but this was like calling in a doctor after death has struck the patient. Besides, young as I was, having no experience yet of misfortune and still less of the wickedness of society, it was very difficult for me to have that prudence which a man gains only by long intercourse with the world. Where shall I go? This was the question which seemed to me impossible of solution. I thought of it all through the night and through the morning, but I thought in vain. After Rome, I was indifferent where I went to. In the evening, not caring for any supper, I gone to my room. The Abbey Gamma came to me with a request from the Cardinal not to accept any invitation to dinner for the next day as he wanted to speak to me. I therefore waited upon his eminence the next day at the Vida Negroni. He was walking with his secretary whom he dismissed the moment he saw me. As soon as we were alone, I gave him all the particulars of the intrigue of the two lovers, had they expressed in the most vivid manner the sorrow I felt at leaving his service. I have no hope of success, I added, for I am certain that fortune will smile upon me only as long as I am near your eminence. For nearly an hour, I told him all the grief with which my heart was bursting, weeping bitterly. Yet I could not move him from his decision. Kindly, but firmly, he pressed me to tell him to what part of Europe I wanted to go, and despair as much as vexation made me name Constantinople. Constantinople, he exclaimed, moving back a step or two. Yes, Monsignor, Constantinople, I repeated, wiping away my tears. The Prelate, a man of great wit, but a spaniard to the very backbone, after remaining silent a few minutes, said, with a smile, I'm glad you have not chosen Isfahan, as I should have felt rather embarrassed. When do you wish to go? This day weak, as your eminence has ordered me. Do you intend to sail from Naples or from Venice? From Venice. I will give you such a passport as will be needed, for you will find two armies in winter quarters in the Romagna. It strikes me that you may tell everybody that I sent you to Constantinople, for nobody will believe you. This diplomatic suggestion nearly made me smile. The Cardinal told me that I should dine with him, and he left me to join his secretary. When I returned to the palace, thinking of the choice I had made, I said to myself, either I am mad or I am obeying the impulse of a mysterious genius, which sends me to Constantinople to work out my fate. I was only astonished that the Cardinal had so readily accepted my choice. Without any doubt, I thought, he did not wish me to believe that he had boasted of more than he could achieve in telling me that he had friends everywhere. But to whom can he recommend me in Constantinople? I have not the slightest idea, but to Constantinople I must go. I dined alone with his eminence. He made a great show of peculiar kindness, and I of great satisfaction, for my self-pride, stronger even than my sorrow, forbade me to let anyone guess that I was in disgrace. My deepest grief was, however, to leave the marginous with whom I was in love, and from whom I had not obtained any important favor. Two days afterwards, the Cardinal gave me a passport for Venice, and a sealed letter addressed to Osman Bonneval, Pasha of Caramania in Constantinople. There was no need of my saying anything to anyone, but as the Cardinal had not forbidden me to do it, I showed the address on the letter to all my acquaintances. The Chevalier de Letze, the Venetian ambassador, gave me a letter for a wealthy Turk, a very worthy man who had been his friend. Don Gaspar and Father Georgie asked me to write to them, but the Abbey Gamma laughed, and said he was quite sure I was not going to Constantinople. I went to take my farewell of Donna Ticilia, who had just received a letter from Lucretia, imparting the news that she would soon be a mother. I also called upon Angelique and Don Francisco, who had lately been married and had not invited me to the wedding. When I called to take Cardinal Acuavio's final instructions, he gave me a purse containing one hundred ounces, worth seven hundred sequins. I had three hundred more, so that my fortune amounted to one thousand sequins. I kept two hundred, and for the rest I took a letter of exchange upon a raguzan who was established in Ancona. I left Rome in the coach with a lady going to Our Lady of Loreto to fulfill a vow made during a severe illness of her daughter, who accompanied her. The young lady was ugly. My journey was a rather tedious one. End of Chapter 10, Part 3. Chapter 11 of the Memoirs of Jacques Casanova, Volume 1, by Giacomo Casanova. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Reynard. The Memoirs of Jacques Casanova, Volume 1, The Venetian Years, by Giacomo Casanova. Episode 2, Cleric in Naples. Chapter 11. My short, but rather too gay visit to Ancona. Cecilia, Marina. Bellino, the Greek slave of the Lazareto. Bellino discovers himself. I arrived in Ancona on the 25th of February, 1744, and put up at the best inn. Pleased with my room, I told my host to prepare for me a good meat dinner. But he answered that during Lent, all good Catholics eat nothing but fish. The Holy Father has granted me permission to eat meat. Let me see your permission. He gave it to me by word of mouth. Reverend Sir, I am not obliged to believe you. You are a fool. I am masked in my own house, and I beg you will go to some other inn. Such an answer, coupled to a most unexpected notice to quit, threw me into a violent passion. I was swearing, raving, screaming, when suddenly, a grave-looking individual made his appearance in my room, and said to me, Sir, you are wrong in calling for meat. When in Ancona, fish is much better. You are wrong in expecting the landlord to believe you on your bare word. And, if you have obtained the permission from the Pope, you have been wrong in soliciting it at your age. You have been wrong in not asking for such permission in writing. You are wrong in calling the host a fool, because it is a compliment that no man is likely to accept in his own house. And finally, you are wrong in making such an uproar. Far from increasing my bad temper, this individual, who had entered my room only to treat me to a sermon, made me laugh. I willingly plead guilty, Sir, I answered, to all the counts which you allude against me. But it is raining. It is getting late. I am tired and hungry. And therefore you will easily understand that I do not feel disposed to change my quarters. Will you give me some supper as the landlord refuses to do so? No, he replied with great composure, because I am a good Catholic and fast. But I will undertake to make it all right for you with the landlord, who will give you a good supper. Thereupon he went downstairs. And I, comparing my hastiness to his calm, acknowledged the man worthy of teaching me some lessons. He soon came up again, informed me that peace was signed and that I would be served immediately. Will you not take supper with me? No, but I will keep you company. I accepted his offer. And, to learn who he was, I told him my name, giving myself the title of Secretary to Cardinal Acquaviva. My name is Sancio Pico, he said. I am a Castilian, and the Proveditori of the Army of HCM, which is command by Catatagace under the orders of the Generalissimo, the Duke of Modem. My excellent appetite astonished him, and he inquired whether I had dined. No, said I. And I saw his countenance assume an air of satisfaction. Are you not afraid such as supper will hurt? On the contrary, I hope it will do me a great deal of good. Then you have deceived the Pope. No, for I did not tell him that I had no appetite, but only that I liked meat better than fish. If you feel disposed to hear some good music, he said a moment after, follow me to the next room. The Prima Donna of Ancona lives there. The words Prima Donna interested me at once, and I followed him. I saw, sitting before a table, a woman already somewhat advanced in age, with two young girls and two boys. But I looked in vain for the actress, whom Don Sancio Pico at last presented to me in the shape of one of the two boys, who was remarkably handsome, and might have been seventeen. I thought he was a castrato, who, as is the custom in Rome, performed all the parts of a Prima Donna. The mother presented me to her other son, likewise very good-looking, but more manly than the castrato, although younger. His name was Petronio, and, keeping up the transformation of the family, he was the first female dancer at the opera. The eldest girl, who was also introduced to me, was named Cecilia, and studied music. She was twelve years old. The youngest, called Marina, was only eleven, and, like her brother, Petronio, was consecrated to the worship of Terpsichor. Both the girls were very pretty. The family came from Bologna, and lived upon the talent of its members. Chilfinis and Amiability replaced wealth with them. Bellino, such was the name of the castrato, yielding to the entreaties of Don Sancio, rose from the table, went to the harpsichord, and sang with the voice of an angel, and with delightful grace. The Castilian listened, with his eyes closed in an ecstasy of enjoyment. But I, far from closing my eyes, gazed into Bellino's, which seemed to dart amorous lightnings upon me. I could discover in him some of the features of Lucretia and the graceful manner of the Marchioness, and everything betrayed a beautiful woman. For his dress concealed but imperfectly the most splendid bosom. The consequence was that, in spite of his having been introduced as a man, I fancied that the so-called Bellino was a disguised beauty. And my imagination, taking at once the highest flight, I became thoroughly enamoured. We spent two very pleasant hours, and I returned to my room accompanied by the Castilian. I intend to leave very early tomorrow morning, he said, for Cine Gaglia, with the Abbe Vilmakati. But I expect to return for supper the day after tomorrow. I wished him a happy journey, saying that we would most likely meet on the road, as I should probably leave Ancona myself on the same day, after paying a visit to my banker. I went to bed, thinking of Bellino, and of the impression he had made upon me. I was sorry to go away without having proved him that I was not the dupe of his disguise. Accordingly, I was well pleased to see him enter my room in the morning, as soon as I had opened my door. He came to offer me the services of his young brother, Petronio, during my stay in Ancona. Instead of my engaging a valet de place, I willingly agreed to the proposal, and sent Petronio to get coffee for all the family. I asked Bellino to sit on my bed, with the intention of making love to him, and of treating him like a girl. But the two young sisters ran into my room, and disturbed my plans. Yet the trio formed before me a very pleasing sight. They represented natural beauty and artless cheerfulness of three different kinds. Unobtrusive familiarity, theatrical wit, pleasing playfulness, and pretty bolognese manners, which I witnessed for the first time. All this would have sufficed to cheer me if I had been downcast. Cecilia and Marina were two sweet rose buds, which, to bloom in all their beauty, required only the inspiration of love. And they would certainly have had the preference over Bellino, if I had seen him in only the miserable outcast of mankind. Or rather, the pitiful victim of saccadotal cruelty. Four, in spite of their youth, two amiable girls offered on their dawning bosom the precious image of woodmanhood. Petronio came with a coffee, which he poured out, and I sent some to the mother, who never left her room. Petronio was a true male harlot by taste and by profession. The species is not scarce in Italy, where the offence is not regarded with the wild and ferocious intolerance of England and Spain. I had given him one sequin to pay for the coffee and told him to keep the change. And to chew me his gratitude, he gave me a voluptuous kiss with half-open lips, supposing me in a taste which I was very far from entertaining. I disabused him, but he did not seem the least ashamed. I told him to order dinner for six persons, but he remarked that he would not order it only for four, as he had to keep his dear mother company. She always took her dinner in bed. Everyone to his taste, I thought, and I let him do as he pleased. Two minutes after he had gone, the landlord came to my room and said, Reverend Sir, the persons you have invited here have each the appetite of two men at least. I give you notice of it because I must charge accordingly. All right, I replied, but let us have a good dinner. When I was dressed, I thought I ought to pay my compliments to the compliant mother. I went to her room and congratulated her upon her children. She thanked me for the presents I had given to Petronio and began to make me the confident of her distress. The manager of the theatre, she said, is a miser who has given us only fifty Roman crowns for the whole carnival. We have spent them for our living and to return to Bologna. We shall have to walk and beg our way. Her confidence moved my pity. So I took a gold quadruple from my purse and offered it to her. She wept for joy and gratitude. I promise you another gold quadruple, madam, I said, if you will confide in me entirely. Confess that Bellino is a pretty woman in disguise. I can assure you it is not so, although he has the appearance of a woman. Not only the appearance, madam, but the tone, the manners, I am a good judge. Nevertheless, he is a boy, for he has had to be examined before he could sting on the stage here. And who examined him? My Lord Bishop's chaplain. A chaplain? Yes, and you may satisfy yourself by inquiring from him. The only way to clear my doubt would be to examine him myself. You may, if he has no objection, but truly I cannot interfere as I do not know what your interests are. They are quite natural. I returned to my room and sent Petronio for a bottle of Cyprus wine. He brought the wine and seven sequins, the change for the doubloon I had given him. I divided them between Bellino, Cecilia and Marina, and begged the two young girls to leave me alone with their brother. Bellino, I am certain that your natural confirmation is different from mine. My dear, you are a girl. I am a man, but a castrato. I have been examined. Allow me to examine you likewise, and I will give you a doubloon. I cannot, for it is evident that you love me and such love is condemned by religion. You did not raise these objections with the bishop's chaplain. He was an elderly priest, and besides, he only just glanced at me. I will know the truth, said I, extending my hand boldly. But he repulsed me and rose from his chair. His obstinacy vexed me, and I already spent 15 or 16 sequins to satisfy my curiosity. I began my dinner with a very bad humour. But the excellent appetite of my pretty guests brought me round, and I soon thought that, after all, cheerfulness was better than sulking. And I resolved to make up for my disappointment with the two charming sisters, who seemed well disposed to enjoy a frolic. I began by distributing a few innocent kisses, right and left, as I sat between them near a good fire, eating chestnuts, which we wetted with cypress wine. But very soon my greedy hands touched every part which my lips could not kiss, and Cecilia, as well as Marina, delighted in the game. Seeing that Bellino was smiling, I kissed him likewise, and his half-open ruffle attracting my hand. I ventured and went in without resistance. The chisel of Praxitiles had never carved a finer bosom. Oh, this is enough, I exclaimed. I can no longer doubt that you are a beautifully formed woman. It is, he replied, the defect of all castrati. No, it is the perfection of all handsome women. Bellino, believe me, I am enough of a good judge to distinguish between the deformed breast of a castrato and that of a beautiful woman. And your alabaster bosom belongs to a young beauty of seventeen summers. Who does not know that love, inflamed by all that can excite it, never stops in young people until it is satisfied, and that one favour granted kindles the wish for a greater one. I had begun well. I tried to go further, and to smother with burning kisses that which my hand was pressing so ardently. But the false Bellino, as if he had only just been aware of the illicit pleasure I was enjoying, rose and ran away. Anger increased in me the ardour of love and feeling the necessity of calming myself either by satisfying my ardent desires or by evaporating them. I begged Cecilia, Bellino's pupil, to sing a few neapolitan airs. Then went out to call upon the banker, from whom I took a letter of exchange at sight upon Bologna, for the amount I had to receive from him. And on my return, after a light supper with the two young sisters, I prepared to go to bed, having previously instructed Petronio to order a carriage for the morning. I was just locking my door when Cecilia, half undressed, came in to say that Bellino begged me to take him to Rimini, where he was engaged to sing in an opera to be performed after Easter. Go and tell him, my dear little Seraph, that I am ready to do what he wishes, if he will only grant me in your presence what I desire. I want to know for a certainty whether he is a man or a woman. She left me and returned soon, saying that Bellino had gone to bed, but that if I would postpone my departure for one day only, he promised to satisfy me on the morrow. Tell me the truth, Cecilia, and I will give you six sequins. I cannot earn them, for I have never seen him naked, and I cannot swear to his being a girl. But he must be a man, otherwise he would not have been allowed to perform here. Well, I will remain until the day after tomorrow, provided you keep me company tonight. Do you love me very much? Very much indeed, if you show yourself very kind. I will be very kind, for I love you dearly likewise. I will go and tell my mother. Of course you have a lover. I never had one. She left my room, and in a short time came back full of joy, saying that her mother believed me an honest man. She of course meant a generous one. Cecilia locked the door, and throwing herself in my arms covered me with kisses. She was pretty, charming, but I was not in love with her, and I was not able to say to her as to Lucretia, you have made me so happy. But she said it herself, and I did not feel much flattered, although I pretended to believe her. When I woke up in the morning, I gave her a tender salutation, and presenting her with three doubloons, which must have particularly delighted the mother. I sent her away without losing my time in promising everlasting constancy. A promise as absurd as it is trifling, and which the most virtuous man ought never to make even to the most beautiful of women. After breakfast, I sent for mine host, and ordered an excellent supper for five persons. Feeling certain that Don Sancio, whom I expected in the evening, would not refuse to honor me by accepting my invitation. And with the idea, I made up my mind to go without my dinner. The Bolognese family did not require to imitate my diet to ensure a good appetite for the evening. I then summoned Bellino to my room, and claimed the performance of his promise. But he laughed, remarked that the day was not past yet, and said that he was certain of travelling with me. I fairly warn you that you cannot accompany me unless I am fully satisfied. Well, I will satisfy you. Shall we go and take a walk together? Willingly, I will dress myself. While I was waiting for him, Marina came in with a dejected countenance, inquiring how she had deserved my contempt. Cecilia has passed the night with you. Bellino will go with you tomorrow. I am the most unfortunate of us all. Do you want money? No, for I love you. But, Marinetta, you are too young. I am much stronger than my sister. Perhaps you have a lover. Oh, no? Very well. We can try this evening. Good! Then I will tell Mother to prepare clean sheets for tomorrow morning. Otherwise everybody here would know that I slept with you. I could not help admiring the fruits of a theatrical education, and was much amused. Bellino came back. We went out together and we took our walk towards the harbour. There were several vessels at anchor, and among them a Venetian ship and a Turkish tartan. We went on board the first, which we visited with interest. But, not seeing anyone of my acquaintance, we rode towards the Turkish tartan, where the most romantic surprise awaited me. The first person I met on board was the beautiful Greek woman I had left in Ancona seven months before, when I went away from the Lazareto. She was seated near the old captain, of whom I inquired, without appearing to notice his handsome slave, whether he had any fine goods to sell. He took us to his cabin, but as I cast a glance towards the charming Greek, she expressed by her looks all her delight at such an unexpected meeting. I pretended not to be pleased with the goods shown by the Turk. And, under the impulse of inspiration, I told him that I would willingly buy something pretty, which would take the fancy of his better half. He smiled, and the Greek slave having whispered a few words to him, he left the cabin. The moment he was out of sight, this new aspasia threw herself in my arms, saying, Now is your time! I would not be found wanting and courage, and taking the most convenient position in such a place, I did to her in one instant that which her old master had not done in five years. I had not yet reached the goal of my wishes. When, the unfortunate girl, hearing her master, tore herself from my arms with a deep sigh, and placing herself cunningly in front of me, gave me time to repair the disorder of my dress, which might have cost me my life, or at least all I possessed to compromise the affair. In that curious situation, I was highly amused at the surprise of Bellino, who stood there trembling like an aspen leaf. The trifles chosen by the handsome slave cost me only thirty sequins. Spolates, she said to me in her own language, and the Turk telling her that she ought to kiss me, she covered her face with her hands and ran away. I left the ship more sad than pleased, for I regretted that, in spite of her courage, she should have enjoyed only an incomplete pleasure. As soon as we were in our rowboat, Bellino, who had recovered from his fright, told me that had just made him acquainted with the phenomenon, the reality of which he could not admit, and which gave him a very strange idea of my nature. That, as far as the Greek girl was concerned, he could not make her out. Unless I should assure him that every woman in her country was like her, how unhappy they must be, he added. Do you think, I asked, that cockettes are happier? No, but I think that when a woman yields to love, she should not be conquered before she had fought with her own desires. She should not give way to the first impulse of a lustful desire, and abandon herself to the first man who takes her fancy, like an animal, the slave of sense. You must confess that the Greek woman has given you an evident proof that you had taken her fancy, but that she has, at the same time, given you a proof not less certain of her beastly lust, and of an effantry which exposed her to the shame of being repulsed. For she could not possibly know whether you would feel as well disposed for her as she felt for you. She is very handsome, and it all turned out well, but the adventure has thrown me into a whirlpool of agitation, which I cannot yet control. I might easily have put a stop to Bellino's perplexity, and rectified the mistake he was laboring under. But such a confession would not have ministered to my self-love, and I held my peace. Four, if Bellino happened to be a girl, as I suspected, I wanted her to be convinced that I attached, after all, but very little importance to the great affair, and that it was not worthwhile employing cunning expedience to obtain it. We returned to the inn, and, towards evening, hearing Don Sancio's travelling carriage roll into the yard, I hastened to meet him, and told him that I hoped he would excuse me if I had felt certain that he would not refuse me the honour of his company to supper with Bellino. He thanked me politely for the pleasure I was so delicately offering him, and accepted my invitation. The most exquisite dishes, the most delicious wines of Spain, and, more than everything else, the cheerfulness and the charming voices of Bellino and of Cecilia gave the Castilian five delightful hours. He left me at midnight, saying that he could not declare himself thoroughly pleased unless I promised to supper with him the next evening with the same guests. It would compel me to postpone my departure for another day, but I accepted. As soon as Don Sancio had gone, I called upon Bellino to fulfil his promise, but he answered that Marinetta was waiting for me, and that, as I was not going away, the next day, he would find an opportunity of satisfying my doubts. And, wishing me a good night, he left the room. Marinetta, as cheerful as a lark, ran to lock the door, and came back to me, her eyes beaming with ardour. She was more form than Cecilia, although one year younger, and seemed anxious to convince me of her superiority. But, thinking that the fatigue of the preceding night might have exhausted my strength, she unfolded all the amorous ideas of her mind, explained at length all she knew of the great mystery she was going to enact with me, and of all the contrivances she had had recourse to in order to acquire her imperfect knowledge. The whole interladed with the foolish talk natural of her age. I made out that she was afraid of my not finding her a maiden, and of my reproaching her about it. Her anxiety pleased me, and I gave her a new confidence by telling her that nature had refused to many young girls what is called maidenhood, and that only a fool could be angry with a girl for such a reason. My science gave her courage and confidence, and I was compelled to acknowledge that she was very superior to her sister. I am delighted you find me so, she said. We must not sleep at all throughout the night. Sleep, my darling, will prove our friend, and our strength renewed by repose will reward you in the morning for what you may suppose lost time. And truly, after a quiet sleep, the morning was for her a succession of fresh triumphs, and I crowned her happiness by sending her away with three doubloons, which she took to her mother, and which gave the good woman an insatiable desire to contract new obligations towards providence. I went out to get some money from the banker, as I did not know what might happen during my journey. I had enjoyed myself, but I had spent too much. Yet there was Bellino, who, if a girl, was not to find me less generous than I had been with the two younger sisters. It was to be decided during the day, and I fancied that I was sure of the result. There are some persons who pretend that life is only a succession of misfortunes, which is as much as to say that life itself is a misfortune. But if life is a misfortune, death must be exactly the reverse, and therefore death must be happiness, since death is the very reverse of life. That deduction may appear too finely drawn, but those who say that life is a succession of misfortunes are certainly either ill or poor. For, if they enjoyed good health, if they had cheerfulness in their heart, and money in their purse, if they had for their enjoyment a Cecilia, a Marinetta, and even a more lovely beauty and perspective, they would soon entertain a very different opinion of life. I hold them to be a race of pessimists, recruited amongst beggarly philosophers and Knaevish atribilius theologians. If pleasure does exist, and if life is necessary to enjoy pleasure, then life is happiness. There are misfortunes, as I know by experience, but the very existence of such misfortunes proves that the sum total of happiness is greater. Because a few thorns are to be found in a basket full of roses, is the existence of those beautiful flowers to be denied? No. It is a slander to deny that life is happiness. When I am in a dark room, it pleases me greatly to see through a window an immense horizon before me. As supper time was drawing near, I went to Don Sancio, whom I found in magnificently furnished apartments. The table was loaded with silver plate and his servants were in livery. He was alone, but all the guests arrived soon after me. Cecilia, Marina and Bellino, who, either by caprice or from taste, was dressed as a woman. The two young sisters, prettily arranged, looked charming. But Bellino, in his female costume, so completely threw them into the shade that my last doubt vanished. Are you satisfied, I said to Don Sancio, that Bellino is a woman? Woman or man, what do I care? I think he is a very pretty castrato, and I have seen many as good-looking as he is. But are you sure he is a castrato? Valgamae dios! answered the grave Castilian. I have not the slightest wish to ascertain the truth. O, how widely different our thoughts were! I admired in him the wisdom of which I was so much in need, and did not venture upon any more in discreet questions. During the supper, however, my greedy eyes could not leave that charming being. My vicious nature caused me to feel intense voluptuousness in believing him to be of that sex to which I wanted him to belong. Don Sancio's supper was excellent, and, as a matter of course, superior to mine. Otherwise the pride of the Castilian would have felt humbled. As a general rule, men are not satisfied with what is good. They want the best. Or, to speak more to the point, the most. He gave us white truffles, several sorts of shellfish, the best fish of the Adriatic, dry champagne, Peralta, sherry, and Pedroximines wines. After that supper, worthy of Lucilus, Bellino sang with a voice of such beauty that it deprived us of the small amount of reason left in us by the excellent wine. His movements, the expression of his looks, his gait, his walk, his countenance, his voice, and above all, my own instinct, which told me that I could not possibly feel for a castrato what I felt for Bellino, confirmed me in my hopes. Yet it was necessary that my eyes should ascertain the truth. After many compliments and a thousand thanks, we took leave of the grand Spaniard, and went to my room, where the mystery was at last to be unraveled. I called upon Bellino to keep his word, or I threatened to leave him alone the next morning at daybreak. I took him by the hand, and we seated ourselves near the fire. I dismissed Cecilia and Marina, and I said to him, Bellino, everything must have an end. You have promised. It will soon be over. If you are what you represent yourself to be, I will let you go back to your own room. If you are what I believe you to be, and if you consent to remain with me tonight, I will give you 100 sequins, and we will start together tomorrow morning. You must go alone and forgive me if I cannot fulfil my promise. I am what I told you, and I can neither reconcile myself to the idea of exposing my shame before you, nor lay myself open to the terrible consequences of what might follow the solution of your doubts. There can be no consequences. Since there will be an end to it, at the moment I have assured myself that you are unfortunate enough to be what you say. And without ever mentioning the circumstances again, I promise to take you with me tomorrow and to leave you at Rimini. No, my mind is made up. I cannot satisfy your curiosity. Driven to madness by his words, I was very near using violence, but, subduing my angry feelings, I endeavored to succeed by gentle means, and by going straight to the spot where the mystery could be solved. I was very near it, when his hand opposed a very strong resistance. I repeated my efforts, but Bellino, rising suddenly, repulsed me, and I found myself undone. After a few moments of calm, thinking I should take him by surprise, I extended my hand, but I drew back terrified, for I fancied that I had recognized in him a man, and a degraded man, contemptible less on account of his degradation than for the want of feeling that I could read on his countenance. Disgusted, confused, and almost blushing for myself, I sent him away. His sisters came to my room, but I dismissed them, sending word to their brother that he might go with me without any fear of further indiscretion on my part. Yet, in spite of the conviction I thought I had acquired, Bellino, even such as I believe him to be, filled my thoughts. I could not make it out. Early the next morning, I left Ancona with him, distracted by the tears of the two charming sisters, and loaded with the blessings of the mother, who, with beads in her hand, mumbled her Paternoster and repeated her constant theme, Dio Providera. The trust, placed in providence, by most of those persons who earn their living by some profession forbidden by the religion, neither absurd nor false nor deceitful. It is real, and even godly, for it flows from an excellent source. Whatever may be the ways of providence, human beings must always acknowledge it in its action, and those who call upon providence independently of all external consideration must, at the bottom, be worthy, although guilty of transgressing its laws. Polcro Laverne D'Amighi Falere D'Ajusto Santocque Videri Noctem Pacatis Et Fraudu Bith Objike Nubem Such was the way in which, in the days of Horace, robbers addressed their goddess. And I recollect a Jesuit who told me once that Horace would not have known his own language. If he had said, D'Ajusto Santocque But there were ignorant men, even amongst the Jesuits, and robbers most likely have but little respect for the rules of grammar. The next morning I started with Bellino, who, believing me to be undeceived, could suppose that I would not show any more curiosity about him, but who had not been a quarter of an hour together when he found out his mistake. For I could not let my looks fall upon his splendid eyes, without feeling in me a fire which the sight of a man could not have ignited. I told him that all his features were those of woman, that I wanted the testimony of my eyes before I could feel perfectly satisfied. Because the protuberance I had felt in a certain place might be only a freak of nature. Should it be the case, I added. I should have no difficulty in passing over a deformity which, in reality, is only laughable. Bellino, the impression you produce upon me, this sort of magnetism, your bosom worthy of Venus herself, which you have once abandoned to my eager hand, the sound of your voice, every movement of yours assure me that you do not belong to my sex. Let me see for myself, and, if my conjectures are right, depend upon my faithful love. If, on the contrary, I find that I have been mistaken, you can rely upon my friendship. If you refuse me, I shall be compelled to believe that you are cruelly enjoying my misery, and that you have learned in the most accursed school that the best way of preventing a young man from curing himself from that amorous passion is to excite it constantly. But you must agree with me that, to put such tyranny in practice, it is necessary to hate the person it is practised upon. And if that be so, I ought to call upon my reason to give me the strength necessary to hate you likewise. I went on speaking for a long time. Bellino did not answer, but he seemed deeply moved. At last I told him that, in the fearful state to which I was reduced by his resistance, I should be compelled to treat him without any regard for his feelings, and find out the truth by force. He answered with much warmth and dignity, recollect that you are not my master, that I am in your hands because I had faith in your promise, and that, if you use violence, you will be guilty of murder. Order the postillian to stop. I will get out of the carriage, and you may rely upon my not complaining of your treatment. Those few words were followed by a torrent of tears, a sight which I never could resist. I felt myself moved in the most inmost recesses of my soul, and I almost thought that I had been wrong. I say almost, because, had I been convinced of it, I would have thrown myself at his feet in treating pardon. But, not feeling myself competent to stand in judgment in my own cause, I satisfied myself by remaining dull and silent, and I never uttered one word until we were only half a mile from Sinningaglia, where I intended to take supper and to remain for the night. Having fought long enough with my own feelings, I said to him, we might have spent a little time in Rimini, like good friends, if you had felt any friendship for me. For, with a little kind compliance, you could have easily cured me of my passion. It would not cure you, answered Bellino courageously, but with a sweetness of tone which surprised me. No. You would not be cured, whether you found me to be a man or woman, for you are in love with me independently of my sex, and the certainty you would acquire would make you furious. In such a state, should you find me inexorable, you would very likely give way to excesses which would afterwards cause you deep sorrow. You expect to make me admit that you are right, but you are completely mistaken, for I feel that I should remain perfectly calm, and that by complying with my wishes you would gain my friendship. I tell you again that you would become furious. Bellino, that which has made me furious, is the sight of your charms, either too real or too completely deceiving, the power of which you cannot affect to ignore. You have not been afraid to ignite my amorous fury. How can you expect me to believe you now, when you pretend to fear it, and when I am only asking you to let me touch a thing, which, if it be as you say, will only disgust me. Ah, disgust you. I am quite certain of the contrary. Listen to me. Were I a girl, I feel I could not resist loving you, but being a man is my duty not to grant what you desire, for your passion, now very natural, would then become monstrous. Your ardent nature would be stronger than your reason, and your reason itself would easily come to the assistance of your senses and of your nature. That violent clearing up of the mystery where you to obtain it would leave you deprived of all control over yourself. Disappointed in not finding what you had expected, you would satisfy your passion upon that which you would find, and the result would, of course, be an abomination. How can you, intelligent as you are, flatter yourself that, finding me to be a man, you could all at once cease to love me? Were the charms which you now see in me cease to exist then? Perhaps their power would, on the contrary, be enhanced, and your passion becoming brutal would lead you to take any means your imagination suggested to gratify it. You would persuade yourself that you might change me into a woman, or, what is worse, that you might change yourself into one. Your passion would invent a thousand softisms to justify your love, decorated with a fine appellation of friendship, and you would not fail to allege hundreds of similarly disgusting cases in order to excuse your conduct. You would certainly never find me compliant. And how am I to know that you would not threaten me with death? Nothing of the sort would happen, Bellino, I answered, rather tired of the length of his argument. Positively nothing, and I am sure that you are exaggerating your fears. Yet I am bound to tell you that, even if all you say should happen, it seems to me that to allow what can strictly be considered only as a temporary fit of insanity would prove a less evil than to render incurable a disease of the mind which reason would soon cut short. Thus does a poor philosopher reason when he takes it into his head to argue at those periods during which a passion raging in his soul makes all its faculties wander. To reason well we must be under the sway neither of love nor of anger, for those two passions have one thing in common, which is that in their excess they lower us to the condition of brutes, acting only under the influence of their predominating instinct. And, unfortunately, we are never more disposed to argue than when we feel ourselves under the influence of either of those two powerful human passions. We arrived at Sinningaglia late at night, and I went to the best inn and, after choosing a comfortable room, ordered supper. As there was but one bed in the room, I asked Bellino, in as calm a tone as I could assume, whether he would have a fire lighted in another chamber. And my surprise may be imagined when he answered quietly that he had no objection to sleep in the same bed with me. Such an answer, however unexpected, was necessary to dispel the angry feelings under which I was laboring. I guessed that I was near the denouement of the romance, but I was very far from congratulating myself. For I did not know whether the denouement would prove agreeable or not. I felt, however, a real satisfaction at having conquered, and was sure of my self-control. In case the senses, my natural instinct led me astray. But, if I found myself in the right, I thought I could expect the most precious favours. We sat down to supper opposite each other, and during the meal, his words, his countenance, the expression of his beautiful eyes, his sweet and voluptuous smile, everything seemed to announce that he had had enough of playing a part which must have proved as painful to him as to me. A weight was lifted off my mind, and I managed to shorten the supper as much as possible. As soon as we had left the table, my amiable companion called for a night-lamp, undressed himself and went to bed. I was not long in following him, and the reader will soon know the nature of a denouement so long and so ardently desired. In the meantime, I begged to wish him as happy a night as the one which was then awaiting me. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Memoirs of Jacques Casanova, Volume 1, The Venetian Years, by Jacques Casanova. Episode 2. Cleric in Naples, Chapter 12. Bellino's History. I am put under arrest. I run away against my will. I turn to Rimini and my arrival in Bologna. Dear reader, I set enough at the end of the last chapter to make you guess what happened, but no language would be powerful enough to make you realize all the voluptuousness which that charming being had in store for me. She came close to me the moment I was in bed. Without uttering one word, our lips met, and I found myself in the ecstasy of enjoyment before I had had time to seek for it. After so complete a victory, what would my eyes and my fingers have gained from investigations which could not give me more certainty than I had already obtained? I could not take my gaze off that beautiful face which was all aflame with the ardour of love. After a moment of quiet rapture, a spark lighted up in our veins a fresh conflagration which we drowned in a sea of new delights. Bellino felt bound to make me forget my sufferings and to reward me by an ardour equal to the fire kindled by her charms. The happiness I gave her increased mine twofold, for it has always been my weakness to compose the four fifths of my enjoyment from the sum total of the happiness which I gave the charming being from whom I derived it. But such a feeling must necessarily cause hatred for old age which can still receive pleasure but can no longer give enjoyment to another, and youth runs away from old age because it is its most cruel enemy. An interval of repose became necessary in consequence of the activity of our enjoyment. Our senses were not tired out but they required the rest which renews their sensitiveness and restores the buoyancy necessary to active service. Bellino was the first to break our silence. Dearest, she said, are you satisfied now? Have you found me truly loving? Truly loving? Ah, traitorous as you are. Do you then confess that I was not mistaken when I guessed that you were a charming woman? And if you truly loved me, tell me how you could contrive to defer your happiness and mine so long. But is it quite certain that I did not make a mistake? I am yours all over. See for yourself. Oh, what delightful survey! What charming beauties! What an ocean of enjoyment! But I could not find any trace of the protuberance which had so much terrified and disgusted me. What has become, I said, of that dreadful monstrosity? Listen to me, she replied, and I will tell you everything. My name is Thérèse. My father, a poor clerk in the Institute of Bologna, had let an apartment in his house to the celebrated Salim Berri, a castrato, and a delightful musician. He was young and handsome. He became attached to me, and I felt flattered by his affection, and by the praise he lavished upon me. I was only twelve years of age. He proposed to teach me music, and finding that I had a fine voice, he cultivated it carefully, and in less than a year I could accompany myself on the harpsichord. His reward was that which his love for me induced him to ask, and I granted the reward without feeling any humiliation, for I worshipped him. Of course, men like yourself are much above men of his species, but Salim Berri was an exception. His beauty, his manners, his talent, and the rare qualities of his soul made him superior in my eyes to all the men I had seen until then. He was modest and reserved, rich and generous, and I doubt whether he could have found a woman able to resist him, yet I never heard him boast of having seduced any. The mutilation practised upon his body had made him a monster, but he was an angel by his rare qualities and endowments. Salim Berri was at that time educating a boy of the same age as myself, who was in Rimini with a music teacher. The father of the boy, who was poor and had a large family, seeing himself near death, had thought of having his unfortunate son maimed, so that he should become the support of his brothers with his voice. The name of the boy was Bellino, the good woman whom you have just seen in Ancona was his mother, and everybody believes that she is mine. I had belonged to Salim Berri for about a year, when he announced to me one day, weeping bitterly, that he was compelled to leave me to go to Rome, but he promised to see me again. The news threw me into despair. He had arranged everything for the continuation of my musical education, but as he was preparing himself for his departure, my father died very suddenly, after a short illness, and I was left an orphan. Salim Berri had not courage enough to resist my tears in my entreaties. He made up his mind to take me to Rimini, and to place me in the same house where his young protege was educated. We reached Rimini, and put up in an inn. After a short rest, Salim Berri left me to call upon the teacher of music, and to make all necessary arrangements respecting me with him. But he soon returned, looking sad and unhappy. Bellino had died the day before her. As he was thinking of the grief which the loss of the young man would cause his mother, he was struck with the idea of bringing me back to Bologna, under the name of Bellino, where he could arrange for my board with the mother of the deceased Bellino, who, being very poor, would find it to her advantage to keep the secret. I will give her, he said, everything necessary for the completion of your musical education, and in four years I will take you to Dresden. He was in the service of the Elector of Saxony, King of Poland, not as a girl, but as a castrato. There we will live together without giving anyone cause for scandal, and you will remain with me and minister to my happiness until I die. All we have to do is represent you as Bellino, and it is very easy, as nobody knows you in Bologna. Bellino's mother will alone know the secret. Her other children have seen their brother only when he was very young, and can have no suspicion. But if you love me, you must renounce your sex, lose even the remembrance of it, and leave immediately for Bologna, dressed as a boy, and under the name of Bellino. You must be very careful lest anyone should find out that you are a girl. You must sleep alone, dress yourself in private, and when your bosom is formed, it will only be thought of deformity not uncommon amongst castrati. Besides, before leaving you, I will give you a small instrument, and teach how to fix it in such a manner that, if you had at any time to submit to an examination, you would easily be mistaken for a man. If you accept my plan, I feel certain that we can live together in Dresden without losing the good graces of the queen, who is very religious. Tell me now whether you will accept my proposal. He could not entertain any doubt of my consent, for I adored him. As soon as he had made a boy of me, we left Rimini for Bologna, where we arrived late in the evening. A little gold made everything right with Bellino's mother. I gave her the name of mother, and she kissed me, calling me her dear son. Salimberi left us, and returned a short time afterwards with the instrument which would complete my transformation. I did not me in the presence of my new mother how to fix it with some tragocanth gum, and I found myself exactly like my friend. I would have laughed at it, had not my heart been deeply grieved at the departure of my beloved Salimberi, for he bade me farewell as soon as the curious operation was completed. People laugh at forebodings. I do not believe in them myself, but the foreboding of evil which almost broke my heart as he gave me his farewell kiss, deceived me. I felt the cold shivering of death run through me. I felt I was looking at him for the last time, and I fainted away. Alas, my fears proved only too prophetic. Salimberi died a year ago in the Tyrell, in the prime of life, with the calmness of a true philosopher. His death compelled me to earn my living with the assistance of my musical talent. My mother advised me to continue to give myself out as a castrato in the hope of being able to take me to Rome. I agreed to do so, for I did not feel sufficient energy to decide upon any other plan. In the meantime she accepted an offer for the Angona Theatre, and Petronio took the part of first female dancer. In this way we played the comedy of the world turned upside down. After Salimberi, you are the only man I have known, and, if you like, you can restore me to my original state in the name of Bellino, which I hate since the death of my protector, and which begins to inconvenience me. I have only appeared at two theatres, and each time I have been compelled to submit to the scandalous, degrading examination, because everywhere I am thought to have too much the appearance of a girl, and I am admitted only after the shameful test has brought conviction. Until now, fortunately, I have had to deal only with old priests who, in their good faith, have been satisfied with a very slight examination and have made a favourable report to the bishop. But I might fall into the hands of some young abbey, and the test would then become a more severe one. Besides I find myself exposed to the daily persecution of two sorts of beings, those who, like you, cannot and will not believe me to be a man, and those who, for the satisfaction of their disgusting propensities, are delighted at my being so, or find it advantageous to suppose me so. The last particularly annoy me. Their tastes are so infamous, their habits so low, that I fear I shall murder one of them someday when I can no longer control the rage in which their obscene language throws me. Out of pity my beloved angel be generous, and if you love me, oh, free me from this state of shame and degradation. Take me with you. I do not ask to become your wife, that would be too much happiness. I will only be your friend, as I would have been Salimberi's. My heart is pure and innocent. I feel that I can remain faithful to my lover throughout my whole life. Do not abandon me. The love I have for you is sincere. My affection for Salimberi was innocent. It was born of my inexperience and of my gratitude. And it is only with you that I have felt myself truly a woman. Her emotion and inexpressible charm which seemed to flow from her lips and to enforce conviction made me shed tears of love and sympathy. I blended my tears with those falling from her beautiful eyes and deeply moved. I promised not to abandon her and to make her the share of my fate. Interested in the history as singular as extraordinary that she had just narrated and having seen nothing in it that did not bear the stamp of truth, I felt really disposed to make her happy. But I could not believe that I had inspired her with a very deep passion during my short stay in Ancona. Many circumstances of which might, on the contrary, have had an opposite effect upon her heart. If you loved me truly, I said, how could you let me sleep with your sisters out of spite at your resistance? Alas, dearest, think of our great poverty and how difficult it was for me to discover myself. I loved you. But was it not natural that I should suppose your inclination for me only a passing caprice? When I saw you go so easily from Cecilia to Marinetta I thought that you would treat me in the same manner as soon as your desires were satisfied. I was likewise confirmed in my opinion of your want of constancy and of the little importance you attached to the delicacy of the sentiments of love when I witnessed what you did on board the Turkish vessel without being hindered by my presence. Had you loved me I thought my being present would have made you uncomfortable. I feared to be soon despised and God knows how much I suffered. You have insulted me, darling, in many different ways but my heart pleaded in your favour because I knew you were excited, angry and thirsting for revenge. Did you not threaten me this very day in your carriage? I confess you greatly frightened me but do not fancy that I gave myself to you out of fear. No, I had made up my mind to be yours from the moment you sent me word by Cecilia that you would take me to Rimini and your control over your own feelings that you confirmed me in my resolution for I thought I could trust myself to your honour, to your delicacy. Throw up, I said, the engagement you have in Rimini. Let us proceed on our journey and, after remaining a couple of days in Bologna, you will go with me to Venice dressed as a woman and with another name I would challenge the manager here to find you out. I accept your will shall always be my law. I am my own mistress and myself to you without any reserve or restriction. My heart belongs to you and I trust to keep yours. Man has in himself a moral force of action which always makes him overstep the line on which he is standing. I had obtained everything. I wanted more. Show me, I said, how you were when I mistook you for a man. She got out of bed, opened her trunk, opened the instrument and fixed it with the gun. I was compelled to admire the ingenuity of the contrivance. My curiosity was satisfied and I passed her most delightful night in her arms. When I woke up in the morning I admired her lovely face while she was sleeping. All I knew of her came back to my mind the words which had been spoken by her bewitching mouth, her rare talent, her curiosity and her misfortunes, the heaviest of which must have been the false character she had been compelled to assume and which exposed her to humiliation and shame. Everything strengthened my resolution to make her the companion of my destiny, whatever it might be or to follow her fate for our positions were very nearly the same and wishing truly to attach myself seriously to that interesting being I determined to give to our union the sanction of religion and of law and to take her legally for my wife. Such a step as I then thought could but strengthen our love, increase our mutual esteem and ensure the approbation of society which could not accept our union unless it was sanctioned in the usual manner. The talents of Therese precluded the fear of our being ever in want of the necessaries of life and although I did not know in what way my own talents might be made available I had faith in myself. Our love might have been lessened. She would have enjoyed two great advantages over me and my self-dignity would have too deeply suffered if I had allowed myself to be supported by her earnings only. It might, after a time, have altered the nature of our feelings. My wife, no longer thinking herself under any obligation to me might have fancied herself the protecting instead of the protected party and I felt that my love would soon have turned into utter contempt if it had been my misfortune to find her harboring such thoughts. Although I trusted it would not be so I wanted, before taking the important step of marriage, to probe her heart and I resolved to try an experiment which would at once enable me to judge the real feelings of her inmost soul. As soon as she was awake I spoke to her thus. Dearest Therese all you have told me leaves me no doubt of your love for me and the consciousness you feel in my heart enhances my love for you to such degree that I am ready to do everything to convince you that you were not mistaken in thinking that you had entirely conquered me. I wish to prove to you that I am worthy of the noble confidence you have reposed in me by trusting you with equal sincerity. Our hearts must be on a footing of perfect equality. I know you, my dearest Therese but you do not know me yet. I can read in your eyes and it proves our great love but that feeling places me too much below you and I do not wish you to have so great an advantage over me. I feel certain that my confidence is not necessary to your love that you only care to be mine that your only wish is to possess my heart and I admire you, my Therese but I should feel humiliated if I found myself either too much above or too much below you. You have entrusted your secrets to me now listen to mine but before I begin promise me that when you know everything that concerns me you will tell me candidly if any change has taken place either in your feelings or in your hopes. I promise it faithfully I promise not to conceal anything from you but be upright enough not to tell me anything that is not perfectly true for I warn you that it would be useless. If you tried any artifice in order to find me less worthy of you than I am in reality seated and lowering yourself in my estimation I should be very sorry to see you guilty of any cunning towards me have no more suspicion of me than I have of you tell me the whole truth here it is you suppose me wealthy and I am not so as soon as what there is now in my purse is spent I shall have nothing left you may fancy that I was born a patrician but my social condition is really inferior to your own I have no lucrative talent no profession nothing to give me the assurance that I am able to earn my living I have neither relatives nor friends nor claims upon anyone and I have no serious plan or purpose before me all I possess is youth health courage, some intelligence honor, honesty and some tincture of letters my greatest treasure consists in being my own master highly independent and not afraid of misfortune with all that I am naturally inclined to extravagance lovely terra as you have my portrait what is your answer in the first place dearest let me assure you that I believe every word you have just uttered as I would believe in the gospel in the second allow me to tell you that several times in Ancona I have judged you such as you have just described yourself far from being displeased at such a knowledge of your nature I was only afraid of some illusion on my part for I could hope to win you if you were what I thought you to be in one word dear one if it is true that you are poor and a very bad-handed economy allow me to tell you that I feel delighted because if you love me you will not refuse a present from me or despise me for offering it the present consists of myself such as I am and with all my faculties I give myself to you without any condition with no restriction I am yours I will take care of you for the future think only of your love for me but love me exclusively from this moment I am no longer bellino let us go to Venice where my talent will keep us both comfortably if you wish to go anywhere else let us go where you please I must go to Constantinople then let us proceed to Constantinople if you are afraid to lose me through want of constancy marry me and your right over me will be strengthened by law I should not love you better than I do now but I should be happy to be your wife it is my intention to marry you and I am delighted that we agree in that respect the day after tomorrow in Bologna you shall be made my legal wife before the altar of God what do you hear in the presence of love I want you to be mine I want to be yours I want us to be united by the most holy ties I am the happiest of women we have nothing to do in Rimini suppose we do not get up we can have our dinner in bed and go away tomorrow well rested after our fatigues we left Rimini the next day and stayed for breakfast at Pesaro as we were getting into the carriage at that place an officer accompanied by two soldiers presented himself inquired for our names and demanded our passports Bellino had one and gave it but I looked in vain for mine I could not find it the officer, a corporal orders the pastilian to wait and goes to make his report half an hour afterwards he returns, gives Bellino his passport saying that he can continue his journey to report me to the commanding officer and I follow him what have you done with your passport inquires that officer I have lost it a passport is not so easily lost well, I have lost mine you cannot proceed any further I come from Rome and I am going to Constantinople bearing a letter from Cardinal Acquaviva here is the letter stamped with his seal all I can do for you is send you to Monsignor de Gajes I found the famous general standing surrounded by his staff I told him all I had already explained to the officer and begged him to let me continue my journey the only favour I can grant you is to put you under arrest till you receive another passport from Rome delivered under the same name as the one you have given here to lose a passport is a misfortune which befalls only a thoughtless giddy man and the Cardinal will for the future know better than to put his confidence in a giddy fellow like you with these words he gave orders to take me to the guard house at St. Mary's gate outside the city as soon as I should have written to the Cardinal for a new passport his orders were executed I was brought back to the inn where I wrote my letter and I sent it by express to his eminence at the time direct to the war-office then I embraced Therese who was weeping and telling her to go to Rimini and to wait there for my return I made her take one hundred sequins she wished to remain in Pesaro but I would not hear of it I had my trunk brought out I saw Therese go away from the inn and was taken to the place appointed by the general it is undoubtedly under such circumstances that the most determined optimist finds himself at a loss but an easy stoicism can blunt the too-sharp edge of misfortune my greatest sorrow was the heart-grief of Therese who seeing me torn from her arms at the very moment of our union was suffocated by the tears which she tried to repress she would not have left me if I had not made her understand that she could not remain in Pesaro and if I had not promised to join her within ten days never to be part of again but fate had decided otherwise when we reached the gate the officer confined me immediately in the guard house and I sat down on my trunk the officer was a taciturn Spaniard who did not even condescend to honour even an answer when I told him that I had money and would like to have someone wait on me I had to pass the night on a little straw and without food in the midst of the Spanish soldiers it was the second night of the sort that my destiny had condemned me to immediately after two delightful nights my good angel doubtless found some pleasure in bringing such conjunctions before my mind for the benefit of my instruction at all events teaching is of that description have an infallible effect upon natures of a peculiar stamp if you should wish to close the lips of a logician calling himself a philosopher who dares to argue that in this life grief overbalances pleasure ask him whether he would accept a life entirely without sorrow and happiness be certain that he will not answer you or he will shuffle because if he says no he proves that he likes life such as it is and if he likes it he must find it agreeable which is an utter impossibility if life is painful should he, on the contrary answer in the affirmative he would declare himself a fool for it would be as much as to say that he can conceive pleasure arising from indifference which is absurd nonsense suffering is inherent in human nature but we never suffer without entertaining the hope of recovery or at least very seldom without such hope and hope itself is a pleasure if it happens sometimes that man suffers without any expectation of a cure he necessarily finds pleasure in the complete certainty of the end of his life for the worst in all cases must be either asleep arising from extreme dejection during which we have the constellation of happy dreams or the loss of all sensitiveness but when we are happy our happiness is never disturbed by the thought that it will be followed by grief therefore pleasure during its active period is always complete without alloy grief is always soothed by hope I suppose you, dear reader at the age of twenty and devoting yourself to the task of making a man of yourself by furnishing your mind with all the knowledge necessary to render you a useful being through the activity of your brain someone comes in and tells you why bring you thirty years of existence it is the immutable decree of fate fifteen consecutive years must be happy and fifteen years unhappy you are at liberty to choose the half by which you wish to begin confess it candidly, dear reader you will not require much more consideration to decide and you will certainly begin by the unhappy series of years because you will feel that the expectation of fifteen delightful years cannot fail to brace you up with the courage necessary to bear the unfortunate years you have to go through and we can even surmise with every probability of being right that the certainty of future happiness will soothe to considerable extent the misery of the first period you have already guessed, I have no doubt the purpose of this lengthy argument the sagacious man, believe me can never be utterly miserable and I most willingly agree with my friend Horace who says that, on the contrary he is always happy but pray where is the man who is always suffering from a room the fact is that the fearful night I passed in the guardhouse of St. Mary resulted for me in a slight loss and in a great gain the small loss was to be away from my dear Therese but being certain of seeing her within ten days the misfortune was not very great as to the gain it was an experience, the true school of man I gained a complete system against thoughtlessness a system of foresight you may safely bet a hundred to one that a young man who has once lost his purse or his passport will not lose either a second time each of those misfortunes has befallen me once only and I might have been very often the victim of them if experience had not taught me how much they were to be dreaded a thoughtless fellow is a man who has not yet found the word dread in the dictionary of his life the officer who relieved my cross-grained Castilian on the following day seemed of a different nature altogether his prepossessing countenance pleased me much he was a Frenchman and I must say that I have always liked the French and never the Spaniards there is in the manners of the first something so engaging, so obliging that you feel attracted towards them as towards a friend whilst an air of unbecoming haughtiness gives to the second a dark, forbidding countenance which certainly does not prepossess in their favour yet I have often been duped by Frenchmen and never by Spaniards a proof that we ought to mistrust our tastes the new officer approaching me very politely said to me to what chance, Reverend Sir am I indebted for the honour of having you in my custody ah here was a way of speaking which restored to my lungs all their elasticity I gave him all the particulars of my misfortune and he found the mishap very amusing but a man disposed to laugh at my disappointment could not be disagreeable to me for it proved that the turn of his mind had more than one point of resemblance with mine he gave me at once a soldier to serve me and I had very quickly a bed, a table, and a few chairs he was kind enough to have my bed placed in his own room and I felt very grateful to him for that delicate attention he gave me an invitation to share his dinner and proposed a game of piquet afterwards but from the very beginning he saw that I was no match for him he told me so and he warned me that the officer who would relieve him the next day was a better player even than he was himself I lost three or four ducats he advised me to abstain from playing on the following day and I followed his advice he told me also that he would have company to supper and that there would be a game of pharaoh but that the banker being a Greek and a crafty player I ought not to play I thought his advice very considerate particularly when I saw that all the punters lost and that the Greek very calm in the midst of the insulting treatment of those he had duped was pocketing his money after handing a share to the officer who had taken an interest in the bank the name of the banker was Don Pepe Il Cadetto and by his accent I knew he was an eapollitan I communicated my discovery to the officer asking him why he had told me the man was a Greek he explained to me the meaning of the word Greek applied to a gambler and the lesson which followed his explanation proved very useful to me in after years during the five following days my life was uniform and rather dull but on the sixth day the same French officer was on guard and I was very glad to see him he told me with a hearty laugh that he was delighted to find me still in the guard house and I accepted the compliment for what it was worth in the evening we had the same bank at pharaoh with the same result as the first time a violent blow from the stick of one of the punters upon the back of the banker of which the Greek stoically feigned to take no notice I saw the same man again nine years afterwards in Vienna captain in the service of Maria Teresa he then called himself Da Fliesso ten years later I found him a conal and some time after worth a million but the last time I saw him some thirteen or fourteen years ago he was a galley slave handsome but rather a singular thing in spite of his beauty he had a gallows look I have seen others with the same stamp Calliostro for instance and another who has not yet been sent to the galleys but who cannot fail to pay them a visit should the reader feel any curiosity about it I can whisper the name in his ear towards the ninth or tenth day everyone in the army knew and liked me and I was expecting the passport which could not be delayed much longer I was almost free and I would often walk about even out of sight of the sentinel they were quite right not to fear my running away and I should have been wrong if I had thought of escaping but the most singular adventure of my life happened to me then and most unexpectedly it was about six in the morning I was taking a walk within one hundred yards of the sentinel when an officer arrived and alighted from his horse through the bridle on the neck of his steed and walked off admiring the docility of the horse standing there like a faithful servant to whom his master has given orders to wait for him I got up to him and without any purpose I get hold of the bridle put my foot in the stirrup and find myself in this saddle I was on horseback for the first time in my life I do not know whether I touched the horse with my cane or with my heels but suddenly the animals start to full speed my right foot having slipped out of the stirrup I press against the horse with my heels and feeling the pressure it gallops faster and faster for I did not know how to check it at the last advanced post the sentinels call out to me to stop but I cannot obey the order and the horse carrying me away faster than ever I hear the whizzing of a few musket balls the natural consequence of my involuntary disobedience at last when I reach the first advanced picket of the Austrians the horse is stopped and I get off his back thanking God an officer of the Hussars asks where I am running so fast and my tongue, quicker than my thought answers without any privity on my part that I can render no account but to Prince Lopkovitz commander in chief of the army whose headquarters were at Rimini hearing my answer the officer gave orders for two Hussars to get on horseback a fresh one is given me and I am taken at full gallop to Rimini where the officer on guard has me escorted Prince Lopkovitz I find his highness alone and I tell him candidly what has just happened to me my story makes him laugh although he observes that it is hardly credible I ought he says to put you under arrest but I am willing to save you that unpleasantness with that he called one of his officers and ordered him to escort me through the Chezena gate then you can go wherever you please he added turning round to me but take care not to again enter the lines of my army without a passport or you might fare badly I asked him to let me have the horse again but he answered that the animal did not belong to me I forgot to ask him to send me back to the place I had come from and I regretted it but after all perhaps I did for the best the officer who accompanied me asked me as we were passing a coffee house whether I would like to take some chocolate and we went in at that moment I saw Petrounio going by and availing myself of a moment when the officer was talking to someone I told him not to appear to be acquainted with me but to tell me where he lived when we had taken our chocolate the officer paid and we went out along the road we kept up the conversation he told me his name I gave him mine and I explained how I found myself in Dreamini he asked me whether I had not remained some time in Ancona he answered in the affirmative and he smiled and said I could get a passport in Bologna returned to Dreamini and to Bezarro without any fear and recover my trunk by paying the officer for the horse he had lost we reached the gate he wished me a pleasant journey and we parted company I found myself free with golden jewels but without my trunk Therese was in Dreamini and I could not enter that city I made up my mind to go to Bologna as quickly as possible in order to get a passport to Bezarro where I should find my passport from Rome for I could not make up my mind to lose my trunk and I did not want to be separated from Therese until the end of her engagement with the manager of the Dreamini Theatre it was raining I had silk stockings on and I longed for a carriage I took shelter under the portal of a church and turned my fine overcoat inside out so as not to look like an abbey at that moment a peasant happened to come along and I asked him if a carriage could be had I have one sir, he said but I live half a league from here go and get it I will wait for you here while I was waiting for the return of the peasant with his vehicle some forty mules laden with provisions came along the road towards Dreamini it was still raining fast and the mules passing close by me I placed my hand mechanically upon the neck of one of them and following the slow pace of the animals I re-entered Dreamini without the slightest notice being taken of me even by the drivers of the mules I gave some money to the first street urchin I met and he took me to Therese's house with my hair fastened under a nightcap my hat pulled down over my face and my fine cane concealed under my coat I did not look a very elegant figure I inquired for Bellino's mother and the mistress of the house took me to a room where I found all the family and Therese in a woman's dress I had reckoned upon surprising them but Petronio had told them of our meeting and they were expecting me I gave a full account of my adventures but Therese frightened at the danger that threatened me and in spite of her love told me that it was absolutely necessary for me to go to Bologna as I had been advised by Monsignor Weiss, the officer I know him, she said and he is a worthy man but he comes here every evening and you must conceal yourself it was only eight o'clock in the morning we had the whole day before us and everyone promised to be discreet I allayed Therese's anxiety by telling her that I could easily contrive to leave the city without being observed Therese took me to her own room where she told me that she had met the manager of the theatre on her arrival in Rimini and that he had taken her at once to the apartments engaged to the family she had informed him that she was a woman and that she had made up her mind not to appear as a castrato anymore he had expressed himself delighted with such news because women could appear on the stage at Rimini which was not under the same leg as Ancona she added that her engagement would be at an end by the first of May and that she would meet me wherever it would be agreeable to me to wait for her as soon as I can get a passport I said there is nothing to hinder me from remaining near you until the end of your engagement but as Monsignor Weiss calls upon you tell me whether you have informed him of my having spent a few days in Ancona I did and I even told him that you had been arrested because you had lost your passport I understood why the officer had smiled as he was talking with me after my conversation with Therese I received the compliments of the mother and of the young sisters who appeared to me less cheerful and less free than they had been in Ancona they felt that Bellino transformed into Therese was too formidable a rival I listened patiently to all the complaints of the mother who maintained that in giving up the character of Castrato Therese had been a dear to fortune because she might have earned a thousand sequins a year in Rome in Rome my good woman I said the false Bellino would have been found out and Therese would have been consigned to a miserable convent for which she was never made notwithstanding the danger of my position I spent the whole of the day alone with my beloved mistress and it seemed that every moment I gave her fresh beauties and increased my love at eight o'clock in the evening hearing someone coming in she left me and I remained in the dark but in such a position that I could see everything and hear every word the baron vice came in and Therese gave him her hand with the grace of a pretty woman and the dignity of a princess the first thing he told her was the news about me she appeared to be pleased and listened with well-famed indifference and advised me to return with a passport he spent an hour with her and I was thoroughly well pleased with her manners and behaviour which had been such as to leave me no room for the slightest feeling of jealousy Marina lighted him out and Therese returned to me we had a joyous supper together and as we were getting ready to go to bed Petronio came to inform me that ten mule tears would start for Cesena two hours before daybreak and that he was sure I could leave the city with them and meet them a quarter of an hour before their departure and treat them to something to drink I was of the same opinion and made up my mind to make the attempt I asked Petronio to sit up and to wake me in good time it proved an unnecessary precaution for I was ready before the time and left Therese satisfied with my love without any doubt of my constancy but rather anxious as to my success in attempting to leave Rimini she had sixty sequins which she wanted to force back upon me but I asked her what opinion she would have of me if I accepted them and we said no more about it I went to the stable and having treated one of the mule tears to some drink I told him that I would willingly ride one of his mules as far as Saranjan you are welcome to the ride said the good fellow that I would advise you not to get on the mule till we are outside the city and to pass through the gate on foot as if you were one of the drivers it was exactly what I wanted Petronio accompanied me as far as the gate where I gave him a substantial proof of my gratitude I got out of the city without the slightest difficulty and left the mule tears at Saranjan whence I posted to Bologna I found out that I could not obtain a passport for the simple reason that the authorities of the city persisted that it was not necessary but I knew better and it was not for me to tell them why I resolved to write to the French officer who had treated me so well at the guard house I begged him to inquire at the war-office whether my passport had arrived from Rome and, if so, to forward it to me I also asked him to find out the owner of the horse who had run away with me offering to pay for it I made up my mind to wait for Therese in Bologna and I informed her of my decision in treating her to write very often the reader will soon know the new resolution I took on the very same day End of Chapter 12