 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. The cigarette that tastes better. Light up, Lucky. It's light of time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light of time. For the taste that you like. Light up, Lucky Strike. Relax. It's light of time. This is Don Wilson, friends, and I certainly agree. There's no time like right now to light up a Lucky and find out firsthand what real deep down smoking enjoyment is. I mean the enjoyment that comes from better taste, because a Lucky tastes better every time. And the reasons why are world famous. First of all, L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So fine, so light, so mild, it just naturally tastes better. And then something very important happens to Lucky's fine tobacco. It's toasted. It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that brings Lucky's naturally good tasting tobacco to its peak of flavor. Tones it up to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So right now, while the show gets underway, or whenever it's light of time for you, be happy. Go Lucky. Enjoy Lucky Strike, the best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. For the taste that you like, light up a Lucky Strike. Right now. Light up a Lucky. It's light of time. Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the last Jack Benny show of the month. It's also the last program of the current series. And as a matter of fact, it's the last show of the season. So now I bring you a man I thought wouldn't last, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking. And Don, I know that you're trying to be clever on the final show. But how could you possibly have thought that I wouldn't last? After all, a man my age is just in the prime of life. I guess you're right, Jack. They've been priming you for 20 years. I'm global. Dynamoscope stomach. Now, Don, control yourself. But, you know, you may be right. After all, nobody can last forever. You're sure working on it, Bob. Well, I see we have another candidate for the unemployment insurance. You better watch it, sister. Jack's right, Mary. He deserves a little more respect from us. After all, he's one of the pioneers in the broadcasting business. You're darn right. Why, when I did my first program, there were hardly any radios in the country. And darn few people. Darn few people, darn few people. Plenty of people when I started. They may have had fetters in their hair, but they were people. Mary, if I were Jackie Gleason, you know what I'd say? One of these days. One of these days. Pow back to the May Company. If you were Jackie Gleason, I wouldn't have to go back. Oh, Jack, why are you so touchy? Can't you take a joke? Certainly I can take a joke. But here we're doing our last program of the season and everyone comes in and insults me. I didn't insult you, Mr. Benny. Huh? Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, sir. Well, you see, Mary, Don, Dennis knows how to treat me with respect. Certainly. I feel that when a man keeps you working all these years, he deserves respect. Well, naturally. A man doesn't get to be the star of a radio and television program unless he has ability and talent. Thank you, Dennis. No star can keep a loyal following of fans loving him through all the years unless he's an outstanding personality. Well... Can I go now, Mr. Benny? Why? I can't keep reading this stuff. It's making me sick. Why did I have to let him go on? Why didn't I stop him when I was ahead? I should have stopped him earlier, like in 1946. Oh, well, it's the last show of the season. I won't be seeing him for quite a while. Oh, say that reminds me, Dennis, what are you going to do this summer? Well, Don, I'm going to visit my uncle in Las Vegas. I didn't know you had an uncle in Las Vegas, Dennis. Yes, he's married and has a lovely wife and three slot machines. Oh, gee, Dennis, I envy you going to Las Vegas. I'd like to go there, but it's so expensive. What do you mean expensive? Last time I was there, I got a room for $2 a day. $2? Must have been an awfully small room. Well, yes, it wasn't too large. As a matter of fact, it didn't even have a bath. Jack, do you mean to say that you stayed at a place without a bath? I didn't need one, Don. They cleaned me before I got to my room. You know, that's a funny joke. You may have feathers on it, but it's a joke. Anyway, I'm going back to Las Vegas this summer and stay at the Flamingo Hotel. Say, Mary, what are you going to do this summer when we're off the air? Well, I think I'll just stay around the house, spend all of my time in the backyard in my garden. Well, that should be nice. Here in California, you can grow some wonderful flowers. I'm going to grow vegetables. I got to eat. Say, Mary, that's smart growing your own vegetables. Where'd you get the idea? From the present Jack gave me last Christmas. What'd he give you, Mary? 100 pounds of Vigoro. Crap, yes. You're going just a little too far. That's right, Mary. How can you say such things about a man who's so nice, so generous, so nice, so generous, so nice, so generous, so nice? Dana, turn the page already. For heaven's sakes. Anyway, Dennis, time for you to do your song. And since this is the season's final show... Jack, I think the sound man is trying to get your attention. Yes, he is. What is it, Twombly? Well, this is the last show of the season, and all my relatives is listening in. Well, that's nice. No, it ain't. All they're hearing is people talking. They want to hear sound effects. Look, Twombly. A guy imposes on all his friends and relatives and gets them to listen to this program. Now, what are you here? Yackity, yackity, yackity, yackity. Look, look. You may not know it, but in Canoga Park, I'm a big man. For heaven's sakes, Twombly, there are sound effects at the end of the show. Yeah, but all you got is ordinary ones, like a knock on the door, a telephone rings. I want something complicated that'll let me show my artistry. But look. I like them dramatic shows. Can't you do a show like A Tale of Two Cities? This is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever did before. Goodbye. That's the guillotine. Twombly, we're doing a radio show, and you'll come in with your sound effects only when you hear your cue. So just keep quiet and listen. Ah, yes, sir. Now, where were we? Oh, yes, come on, Dennis. Let's hear your songs. Really a wonderful arrangement the orchestra had for Dennis' number. Thanks. I also want to thank you for the discipline you brought to the band. I've noticed during the last few weeks, right up to tonight's final program, the boys have been behaving much better. And they all... What was that? Remly fell off his stool. Couldn't quite make it to the end of the season. Well, isn't anybody going to pick him up? No, Jack. We usually let him lie there during the summer. The rest does him good. Well, okay, let him stay there, but I want him up when we go back on the air next fall, you see. And, Melon, rub a little cheese on his face so the mice will keep him shaved. Imagine Remly falling off his stool like that. To the rest of the world, it might have been Remly who fell, but in Canoga Park, they know it was me. Not from that reading, they didn't. Now look, Kwamli, this is your last warning. I don't want any more talk from you. You're a sound man, so all we want out of you are sound effects when we give you the cue. Uh, yes, sir. Tell me, Melon. Melon, what are the other boys in the band going to do this summer? Most of them are taking summer jobs, all except Bagby. He's going on a pleasure cruise to Hawaii. Well, Charlie's going to take an expensive vacation like that. Isn't he going to work at all? What does he have to work for? He hasn't even spent half the money he got from that Brinks job in Boston. Melon, how can you say a thing like that about Bagby on the air? Even in jest, now the police will come and get him. And what are you bowing for? Right now they're applauding in Canoga Park. Look, I don't want any more of your silly talking sound effects. You just give us the sound effects on the right cue and that's all. Uh, yes, sir. Say, Jack. Yes, Melon. Since this is our last program, the boys in the band chipped in and bought you a little gift. And they selected Sammy the drummer to make the presentation. Come over here, Sammy. Okay, Melon. Mr. Benny, on behalf of all the boys in the band, it gives me great pleasure to present you with this token of our esteem. Well, thanks, Sammy. Thanks a lot, fellas. Let me see what it is. Oh, isn't that nice? It has my initials on it, too. Yeah. Just what I've always wanted. A monogrammed ice cube. Gee, thanks, fellas. And remember, at the start of next season, don't call me. I'll call you. Just wait. I think we better get on with the program. I want to leave early so I can get a quick start. Who can that be? Come in. Hello, Mr. Benny. Why, Mr. Kidzall? Mr. Benny, pardon my intrusion, but I just dropped in to say goodbye. Well, that was very nice. Wait a minute. How'd you know I was going away? At least I was ignorant, but I know I'm going away. Oh, really? Where? I'm going to Europe to visit my relations. Oh, that's wonderful. What country do they live in? Ireland. Gosh, Mr. Kidzall, I never knew you were of Irish descent. Just on my mother's side. Full bloody time now. And then from there, I'm going for a full week to Paris. Paris? This is in France. I know, I know. Tell me, Mr. Kidzall, while you're there, are you going to see some of those Paris nightclub shows? I'm planning to go every single night. Every night, but the whole show is in French. You won't understand a thing. Mr. Benny, I'm going for looking, not listening. You know, this I understand in any language. I know. And then, while I'm over there, and since it'll be summer, I think I'll swim the English Channel. Swim the English Channel? That's right. But Mr. Kidzall, you can't try a swim like that on the spur of the moment. You've got to train and train and train. And cook. Now, swambley, cut that out. Come on, Dad. Option like that, and I'll have you fired. And I don't care how strong your union is. I'm sorry I lost my temper, Mr. Kidzall, but this has been going on all day. You get your right. I was just leaving anyway. Oh, well, goodbye, and bon voyage. Thank you. Micky, good-bye, boy. I was a man of fire, and he came from County Court. They read anything they want. Now, kids, as I was telling you, I want to get an early start on my vacation trip, so I'm going to... Oh, wait a minute, Jack. Wait a minute, hold it, hold it. Oh, what is it, Don? Well, before you leave, I want you to hear the commercial. The sportsman and I are prepared for the last show. Is it a good one, Don? Yes, it's the boys farewell to you because they're going to Europe. Oh, to Europe like Mr. Kidzall. All right, fellas, let's hear the song. Oh, lucky is made of that fine white tobacco. Oh, I say, oh, the chappie, you'd make me bloom and happy if you'd spare a lucky strike a what. And every Frenchman would like to have a carton of those better-tasting lucky strikes. Viva la lucky! You can try. He keeps you smiling. It's the toasted cigarettes. That's right, Governor. Don, I must compliment you and the boys on that commercial. It was really swell. Well, thanks very much, Jack. I'm glad you liked it. Yeah, but don't you think it would have been even better if I had accompanied the boys on my violin? No. Don, why not? Well, Jack, I don't like you playing your violin during the commercial because we sell cigarettes. What's that got to do with it? People can't smoke when they're holding their noses. Well, another witticism from my chubby little chum. I suppose you thought that was funny, too, eh, Don? Yes, I did, Jack. Well, Don, at this point, I think it's only fair to remind you of that old Chinese proverb, which goes, and I quote, When employee make joke about employer, then he soon find out that er, fire, em. So watch it, kiddo. Dennis. Dennis, what are you laughing at? I just got it. People can't smoke when they're holding their noses. Dennis, you're an idiot. Only on my father's side. Full-blooded, I'm not. Everybody keep quiet. I want to call up and have my car sent around to the front of the studio so I can get right home. Say, Mabel, what is it, Gertrude? Mr. Benny's line is flashing. Yes, Mr. Benny. Yeah, I'll tell him. Goodbye. So what does he want? He wants I should call the parking lot to let them know he's leaving soon so they can get his car ready. Well, ain't he an eager beaver? What's he in such a hurry about to get his car? He always does that. It takes 15 minutes to get the boiler hot. Why does he drive around in such an old jalopy? Well, that's because he's so sentimental. Oh, he loves the car. And I loves money. Hiding all the time. Hasn't he heard that famous expression, you can't take it with you? He's had it all right. But he thinks he's worked out a system to get around it. Taylor is so pockets in his skin. He's a kid, Jack, about being cheap. But I happen to know he has a generous side too. Well, make sure you say that. Well, the other night we were having dinner at the sportsman's lodge. And you know how most people only leave 10% of the bill for a tip? Uh-huh. Well, Jack insisted I leave 15. The parking lot is busy. I'll keep trying and tell him you want the car. He'll be ready by the time you are. Oh, thanks a lot. Thanks a lot, Gertrude. Well, kids, the program is nearly over. And it looks like we've come to the end of another season. At a time like this... Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is... What is it, Rochester? Nothing important. I just want you to know that I've done... Good, you put in all that stuff from my medicine chest? Yes, sir. I packed your nerve tonic, stomach tonic, liver tonic, blood tonic. Tonic tonic? What have I got that for? In case any of the other tonics feel run down, that's what they do. Rochester, did you pack my new gray suit? No, sir, it's dirty. I'm going to send it to the cleaners. But I want to wear it tomorrow in Las Vegas. But, boss, that gray suit doesn't give enough contrast with your golden... But, Rochester, what can I do? I don't have any other new suit. I know, but you've got other locks. These are your two-tone spike shoes. I don't want any spike shoes. I'm not going to play golf in Las Vegas. I know, but if you win some, you'll want to get out fast. I didn't think of that. Pack the brown one. It looks awful. Rochester, I'll have you know that bag is genuine cowhide. Oh, boss, this is cowhide. Well, only on its mother's side. Full-blooded, it's not. Rochester, I hope you memorize that nightclub act I taught you. As your agent, I've arranged for an audition for you at the Flamingo. And I think I can get you booked in there. I know, and I appreciate it. Only... Only what? Well, I read that contract I've got with you. What about it? Ain't I supposed to get the 90 percent? I'm putting the rest of that money away for you to use as a nest egg. Well, push the hen off! Stop worrying about it. You'll get everything that's coming to you. Now I'll be back as soon as the program's over and we'll leave right after dinner. Okay. Goodbye. Goodbye. Jack will be back in just a minute, but right now, here's a suggestion for you. It's light up time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light up time. For the taste that you like. Light up a lucky strike. Relax. It's... That's a grand idea for a pleasant Sunday evening at home. Or any time at all when you want to enjoy a really great cigarette. Just lean back and light up a lucky. Because every lucky you light is sure to give you better taste. And here's why. First, luckies are made of fine tobacco. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Light, mild, naturally good tasting tobacco. And then that tobacco is toasted. It's toasted is the famous lucky strike process that tones up luckies' fine tobacco, brings it to its peak of flavor, makes it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So, right now, friends, or any time at all when it's light up time for you, make it a lucky, the best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. Light up a lucky. It's light up time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light up time. For the taste that you like. Light up a lucky strike. Right now. Light up a lucky. It's light up time. Ladies and gentlemen, although this is called the Jack Benny program, I'd like to say that its success is due to the competent people I have working with me. My wonderful cast. The great supporting players I have. My producer. My engineer. My sound man. My capable writers. My fine musicians. How can you read that stuff? Doesn't it make you sick? Good night, folks. See you in the fall. And produced and transpired by Hilliard Marks. Filter smokers. Here's the true tobacco taste you've been looking for. Filter Tip Tarleton gives you all the full, rich flavor of Tarleton's famous quality tobacco. And real filtration, too. Filter Tip Tarleton incorporates activated charcoal, renowned for its unusual powers of selective filtration and used far and wide to purify the air we breathe, the water and beverages we drink. Look for the red, white and blue stripes on the package. They identify Filter Tip Tarleton, the best in filtered smoking. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.