 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. We're going to talk avoidant men, emotionally unavailable men, and how to get them open up. Real quickly, if you're new to my channel, please hit the subscribe button and the bell button so you can get new videos or get notified of new videos. I shoot about three to four videos a week, so I'd really like to have you join and please tell all your friends. Okay, let's talk about emotionally unavailable or avoidant men. If you're not familiar with love attachment, I highly recommend you checking out a book called Attached, attached by Amir Levine. Amir Levine, you can see it right there. In this, it talks about how we bond with our parents or those who raise us in early childhood. It talks about the three different types of attachment styles. It's anxious, avoidant, and secure. Anxious, avoidant, and secure. Anxious people are very needy. They're constantly chasing love. They're chasing love. They're chasing love. I need you for me to feel good. It's always anxious. They're always calling. If you're five minutes late from calling, they're texting, what's going on? That's that anxious personality. A secure person is relatively calm in relationship, but what most women experience is what's called an avoidant man. That's a person that's afraid of love because there's a fear of connection because in his childhood, there wasn't that kind of nurturing going on in those early stages of being in the crib. He or she, actually, this is true of men and women, had to self-soothe, had to self-take care of himself, and eventually it reached a point where that child could only trust himself or herself. And so what happens is they oftentimes turn into avoidant in relationship. And we also call that emotionally unavailable. So today, I'm going to talk about the five steps to get a guy to open up if he's emotionally unavailable or avoidant. Now, step number one is understanding this behavior. One of the reasons why I highly recommend getting this book, when you understand why this person is afraid of intimacy, and you can lean into this and understand their behavior, you're much better prepared because oftentimes women as well as men can be very confrontational they're they're they're expecting something from the other person. They're constantly confronting them, confronting them, confronting them. And by doing so, all you do is push that person further and further and further further away. Okay, so to really help someone get to open up, you have to understand who they are. And if you're not familiar with the book's website, you can go to the website, attach the book, and you can do the love attachment test for yourself. And if you're in relationship with a man, I highly encourage you to have him do the test as well. Because maybe by doing this test, now here's the challenge with doing the test online. A lot of times people project who they are when they answer the questions. So there's kind of a false positive that happens. So oftentimes people click all the buttons that seem secure when they are actually either avoidant or anxious. But at least it's a good starting point to check it out. Okay, number two to help a guy open up is is understanding his love language understanding his love language. If you're not familiar with the book, the five love languages, or let's do the five love languages. Here is a copy of the book, the five love languages. And this is the singles edition, the singles edition. But Gary Chapman talks about the five love languages, which are words of affirmation. But if you're a Leo like me, it's words of adoration. And number two is quality time. Number three is physical touch. Number four is acts of service. And number five is small gifts like this. glasses. When and by the way, you can go to the website, the five love languages and do the test for yourself if you're not familiar with it. But I highly recommend if you're in relationship with a man, have him do the test. Look at if he's going to have a chance to have intimacy with you, then you should ask for something in return. And that might be doing the five love languages test. So that's my recommendation for you. But when you understand what language he speaks from what love language he's speaking from, it's a lot easier to help him open up by speaking in his love language. And when you introduce your love language to him, it begins to get him to open up as well. Okay, so definitely check into the five love languages if you already haven't. And I highly recommend diving deep into the book. Okay, the third way to get a guy to open up is to lead by example, lead by example. Now, what I mean is, is I talk about emotional maturity a lot in my videos. And so for those who aren't familiar, I shot a video on this about emotional maturity. In fact, I talk about a lot. But if you're going to lead by example, then I want to give you five additional steps to think of when it comes to emotional maturity. And step one, number one, is your actions match your words. To help a man open up your actions have to match your words just like his actions has to match his words. But but if you're inconsistent in your words and your actions, the person isn't going to feel safe. Just like if he's inconsistent with his words and actions, you're not going to feel safe. So it's important to begin that practice of being an integrity. And if you're not familiar with the book of the four agreements, I highly recommend you check it out. You can see I'm a plethora of books today. I'd have to reach over where's my four agreements? Is it here? No, it's not. Okay. Number two, in emotional maturity is that you take personal responsibility for your choices. You take personal responsibility for your choices. One of the ways to feel safe in relationship is not to approach a relationship from victim consciousness as if everything is someone else's fault. Many people, I mean, we are suckling on the nipple of victimhood here in the United States. And so people complain, complain, complain, and they're pointing the finger at everyone else. And they're not looking at the three fingers pointing back at them. When you begin to take personal responsibility for your choices, and you act like a victor, instead of a victim, that helps a person feel safe. And then they open up to you in relationship. Number three of emotional maturity is learning how to fight fair, learning how to fight fair. And what I mean is good conflict resolution skills. Fighting fair means you're going to if you're going, you know, let's face it, relationships are going to have friction at times, you're going to have friction. And to be able to coincide like this, you're going to have to learn if you're not already doing so and I'm sure you are is being able to listen to your partners. If there's a disagreement, listen to the partner and accept what they're saying is true for them. And recognize that two people can agree to disagree. But listen to your partner and accept what they say and say, Hey, I understand that's your point of view. Let me share my point of view. And there could be two differences and it's okay for that. When you approach it from a non confrontational way, a conflict, that allows us to feel so much safer, those who are avoidant personality types or love attachment types makes feel so much safer. And if you're not familiar with the book, non violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg, that is a perfect example of how to lean into that to better communication and learning how to fight fair. Okay, number four on the list of emotional maturity is empathy. In other words, feeling your partner's feelings accepting and appreciating their feelings. And I know, ladies, you're good at this. So that's okay. I mean, you guys have that one down for the most part. But it's, it's not just feeling his feelings, but accepting his feelings, accepting his feelings as as the way he interprets his feelings. It's not about disagreeing what he feels it's understanding accepting his feelings. And that's true empathy. And the fifth for emotional maturity is transparency. And transparency basically means when someone asks you about something you open up transparency means you share your feelings, you don't hold them in. You don't. Now I'm not saying you vomit your feelings either. And there's going to be times when you can't either answer someone's question. But for the most part you're leaning into being open and receptive to love. And you're being open and receptive to giving love. And that's true tense transparency. So when you lead by example, if your guy is avoidant by doing these five things for emotional maturity, it makes him feel safe to open up to you as well. Okay, number four, when it comes to getting a guy open up is begin making small requests of your needs, wants and desires. Small requests for your needs, wants and desires. You have to understand for an avoidant person, it's a challenge for that person to lean into his feelings or her feelings. It doesn't matter man or woman. So instead of making major requests in the relationship, make small requests. Because I want you to think of an avoidant like I want you to think of if you're an anxious and he's an avoidant, he's here and you're here. And that space in between is oftentimes called drama. I want you to think about that that space in between is drama because you're asking him to come up here. And what I'm asking you to do is make small requests for him to come here and you bring it down here. When it comes to your needs, wants and desires. Now, let me just say this is within reason. If you're in relationship with someone who's completely avoid it, an unable to open his feelings, none of this is going to work, okay? If he's absolutely stuck, then maybe if you're not happy in the relationship, you may want to consider moving on. But not every man is stuck. Not everyone is the extreme whether man or woman. So these are just some small examples. And the fifth example or step to help a man be get open up and open up is to be patient and accepting. It's going to take time for this person to open up. It's going to be little by little. It's like planting a seed and then watering that seed little by little. It's going to take time to get to help to for that person to feel safe. Because here's the reality. There's no such thing as emotionally unavailable people. It's just people that don't have the tools. Every man is capable of sharing his emotions. Even the most stifled person is capable of it. And what they most deeply desire is to feel safe. And so when you lead by example, when you make smaller requests, when you accept him, when you understand and speak his love language and and and understand his personality type or his love attachment type, you're much closer to helping him open up. And let me just say this before I wrap up this video. This is the exact same everything he should be doing the same for you. This is a two way street, okay? It's not a one way street. It's a two way street. How should I do the streets? Okay, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this video. Please post a comment below if this resonated with you. If you have something to say, please write it down. Let's get the comments going. Also, if you'd like to get some additional help and you're a woman seeking that fantastic fabulous relationship, then schedule a one on one call with me. There's a link here below or check out my book What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, which is right here. And there's also a free gift for you. And I got a fantastic group called Midlife Love Mastery. And for simply $20 a month, you can have access to a library of content that I've created. Okay, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do, giving you a big gigantic job. Then bear a hug if I have your consent. Aw, thank you. Wishing you a wonderful day. Thanks so much. Bye-bye now.