 Yesterday in a video, I was sharing the different types of romantic encounters men and women are experienced these days in the dating, mating or relating realm. And I thought it'd be a good idea to talk about why men and women choose unhealthy relationships and to dive into what's really the purpose of a relationship. So I wanna share something that I wrote this morning. And that is the purpose of a relationship. I'm talking about romantic relationship, heterosexual relationships is to share the best version, best of yourself, to share the best of yourself, to share the best version of yourself. Life is better with company. And in a moment, we'll talk about the different types of relationships and the different types of romantic encounters experienced today. But the purpose of a relationship is to share the best version of yourself with another. And what's interesting is if a person isn't the best version of themselves, and I don't mean in the outer world, in other words, they have success, they have financial success, they have, they're in good physical condition. Those are the things that we see in the outside world and maybe they're romantic, maybe they're kind, maybe they're generous. More importantly, how is their inner world with respects to a relationship? Because let's face it. The vast majority of human beings in the dating, mating and relating realm for those of us in midlife are rather emotionally stunted. They have weak relationship skills and weak and emotional maturity. So the purpose of a relationship is to share the best version of yourself. And if he's lost, not to suggest you ladies aren't lost, are the two of you willing to do the individual work and come together to grow as a couple? And then I said, is love enough? The deeper purpose of a relationship is to grow as an individual, whether it goes the distance or not. I'm gonna repeat, this is really critically important. The deeper purpose of a relationship is to grow as an individual, whether it goes the distance or not. I think we have this grand expectations that relationships are meant to go the distance till death do us part. And by the way, if you think about it, one person is gonna die before the other. So at some point, one of the couple is going to be alone if they go the distance, okay? And yet we kind of glorify those relationships if they've spent a significant amount of time together. And by the way, we should glorify those relationships. But at the end of the day, one of us is going to die alone in a relationship that goes the distance. So what's happening today to cause people to choose dysfunctional relationships? Well, I think part of it stems right from the early stages of dating. You know, if we're an emotionally stunted, emotionally wounded individual, and by the way, even the best of people are emotionally stunted and emotionally wounded, they might find themselves in the following type of romantic interactions. Now the first is hooking up. Now oftentimes this happens when a man love bombs a woman, when he makes a projection about what he thinks of her, he's in a state of lust or limerence. And by the way, folks, I'm guilty of doing this. I've been in this state. I will tell you that the dopamine rush when you feel a connection to another human being is like the shark's eyes pulled back. You are completely unaware of what you're doing in many cases. And in that, it can be for short-term gain or it could be for long-term gain, you know? And what I mean to say it, it doesn't necessarily mean it's always love bombing is always going to turn into or is about a person's narcissistic traits and their own selfish traits. However, more often than not, that's the case. And in many cases, they're just experiencing a short-term encounter, and I call this hooking up. Now, for some people, they evolve into, they've spent some time together, they like each other and they evolve into a friends with benefits type of arrangement. These are people that genuinely like each other. One person probably likes the other a little bit more, which is why they're willing to acquiesce to a friends with benefits relationship, but it's clearly for the purpose of physical pleasure. And both people can be equal participants in this. And there's nothing wrong with the friends with benefits. I think for some people, this might be a very valid relationship for them because they're not capable of genuinely sharing their life with another human being. So why not have some occasional encounter to feel connected with another human being? I think there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I was made aware of a woman who's in her early sixties today, or I mean, she's in her early sixties. I was made aware of this just recently, but she's very content in a friends with benefits relationship. Even though I think deep down secretly, she would like a significant relationship, but she knows it's not with this man and she struggles meeting a partner that can meet her where she's at. And probably she's not in a great place either. Okay, so that's the friends with benefits dynamic. Then we have to look at situationships. These are undefined relationships where two people are spending time with one another. It's undefined and they're having physical intimacy. And there's a sense of ambiguity. We see a significant percentage of people in this type of environment. In addition, we see another significant percentage of people in casual relationships. This is where there's an agreement of monogamy and agreement of exclusivity. They might even call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. However, there's no real long-term plan and there's really no significant commitment beyond the monogamy and exclusivity. Those are casual relationships. Now serious relationships are the couple of people that actually talk about commitment. And it doesn't necessarily mean there has to be an end destination, but they're more serious it's about talking about commitment, whether it's living together or getting married. They have discussions on this. And just keep in mind, there's nothing wrong with not getting married. There's nothing wrong with living with a person. It's just another form of relationship. So now we have to kind of unravel the particulars of why this happens. See, I think a significant percentage of people find themselves in an attachment to another human being. In fact, Buddha says that suffering comes from attachments, okay? And I believe once we interact with another human being, we become attached. So this is why some people subconsciously seek what's known as transactional relationships, transactional relationships. This is where there's a, you give me something in exchange for I give you something. You give me something for exchange of I give you something. In fact, there's a whole narrative out there talking about traditional relationships where the man is the provider protector and the woman gives house cleaning duties, cooking duties and sex for the man. So I give you a roof over your head and what you have to give me is to cook, clean and give me sex when I desire. There's a whole community out there that is pitching this over and over and over again. And quite frankly, there's nothing wrong with that agreement. I mean, from my perspective, people can choose what they want. Except for today, women aren't dependent upon men. The problem with that dynamic, particularly because it's financially related is survival is based on our ability to pay our rent, to pay our food, to pay our electricity, to pay our bills. So when you're in a one-up, one-down situation where the person financially can do what they want whenever they want, that subordinate position. And even if it feels like it's a mutual exchange, can turn into a calamity at some point in the future. So we see this significantly with transactional type relationships. Now, the vast majority of humans are experiencing conditional relationships. I need you to be a certain way so I can be in this relationship or I can feel loved. That's right. I think this is predominantly because most humans are unaware of two primary reasons why they enter into a relationship. And I'm gonna dive into this right now. The two primary reasons why they enter into a relationship coming back to what I said, attachment, is that they're unaware that love attachment is a serious emotional condition. That's right, love attachment is a serious emotional condition. So let me explain this for a moment. I'm gonna pull up two books, okay? The first book is attached by Amira Levine and Rachel Heller. By the way, there's other books on attachment. I want everyone to pause the video right now and write down love attachment styles, okay? Now there's three primary and then there's subcategories when each. There's anxious, avoidant, and secure. Anxious, avoidant, and secure. Now while in the book, they talk about secure represents 50%, I don't agree with the assessment in the book and let me explain why. Now what is secure? You feel a sense of safety in the relationship, emotional safety. You feel a sense of feeling secure with this other person. Well, from my experience, most single people actively dating don't feel secure. They don't. And even those married couples that are in relationship, if we kind of consider that 50% of marriages end in divorce, I'm sure 50% don't feel secure. And if second and third marriages end at 60 or 70 or 80%, then I'm sure those people didn't feel secure. And then this whole single population is chaotic. So again, I don't agree with the assessment, but what it's important to know is, if you are an anxious love attachment style, what that typically means is in your early childhood upbringing, you experienced a parent who withheld love in some way, shape, or form, either intentionally or unintentionally. In most cases, it's an unintentional withholding of love. Or it could even be a momentary withholding of love. And the anxious child is so want to feel love that they chase the parent to give them love. They scream, they're like waving their hands, I'm talking about subconsciously speaking, because they need that love. And so they have a pattern in their adult life to become needy, they become anxious, they create anxiety within themselves. And that's a place of healing. Remember I said earlier in the beginning of this broadcast that healing is the primary purpose for entering into relationships. So the anxious person needs to trust that the person they're with isn't going to abandon them emotionally speaking. Now the irony is anxious people tend to attract avoidant people. Now avoidant people or children were honestly not allowed to be their authentic self. And they were oftentimes stuffed with their emotions through emotional abuse, verbal abuse, even physical abuse. And by the way, that's not to suggest anxious didn't experience the same thing. So what happens is they have this sense of desiring freedom and they're oftentimes stifled in their ability to emotionally express themselves. So what's interesting is they choose anxious people, anxious choose avoidant people. Now why does this happen? I believe it's because those individuals are thirsty to heal themselves. Again, as I said in the beginning of this broadcast, I believe the purpose of a relationship is to grow as an individual, whether the relationship goes the distance or not. It's kind of one of the reasons why I wrote my book What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Open Spiritual Work. Why I'm bringing this up is there's an irony. I wrote a book about something that I so need healing within myself on a variety of different ways. And for as much personal development work I've done to this point, there's still a tremendous amount of healing that is on my path. And a relationship is a great container for this. A relationship is a great container for this because it allows us to butt up against our triggers, those things that cause us to not feel safe in relationship. Now, there's another unique aspect of why people choose relationships. And even though the title is Why Do Men Choose Unhealthy Relationships? It's really why men and women choose unhealthy relationships is I believe we are trying to heal from our childhood, particularly our relationship with our parents and something known as the Amago. The Amago, that's I, M, A, G, O. If you wanna learn more about it, I'd read the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. Okay, now why does it important to understand this? I invite you all to look back to your first relationship you ever had, your second relationship you ever had and maybe the third relationship you ever had. And I'm talking about relationships that lasted one year or longer. The average person who meets, who hits midlife will have had at least three relationships that lasted one year or longer. Now our first relationship in my case was my marriage. And I was so naive when going in that I wasn't even aware that I needed healing in that point in my life. And I chose someone similar to my mother in some way, shape or form. What happens with the Amago is we're healing a peace within our parental upbringing. Now let me give you an example of this. Ladies, have you ever been in relationship with someone who's like your father? Maybe emotionally distant, maybe emotionally constipated. Maybe they abandoned you. Have you ever experienced that? Or maybe you experienced someone like your mother. Maybe your mother was very submissive. Maybe your mother was a people pleaser, a doormat. And so you've choose either you become that person. So what happens is you become the person like your parents or you choose someone like your parent because in that relationship there's an invitation to heal deeper within oneself. So what's the purpose of knowing all this? Well, I think we have to let go of the attachment to forever, happily ever after. I think it's time, I'm gonna start talking about this more frequently is letting go of the attachment to the forever after. What if each relationship in your life is an opportunity to grow as an individual? I know in my own relationship I'm butting up against my stuff. It's an opportunity to grow for me as a person. It's an opportunity for her to grow as a person. You know, we can't expect our partner to fill our own individual needs. This is where conditional relationship comes in. I need you to say these things or do these things so I feel good about myself. Sadly, we're suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. And then we fall into this terrible trap. As I said before, is love enough? Love is absolutely the most pinnacle part of this experience we call life, okay? But this isn't about love. This is about the journey of life is learning to love ourselves, the best relationship you're ever gonna have starts with the relationship you have with yourself. And as I said in the beginning of this broadcast, the purpose of relationship is to share the best version of yourself, the best version of yourself. So if men enter into a relationship, not emotionally the best version of themselves and if women enter into relationships, not the best version of themselves. And yet here's the fantasy. Everybody is delusional that they show up as the best version of themselves. Myself included. I really, I'm gonna share this with you. I think we have this delusion. There's this something the Course in Miracles talks about called specialness. We think we're the unicorn. Every human being on some level thinks they're different than everyone else. Actually probably doormat people, people that self-crucify. So there's this kind of person that crucifies themselves. They don't think they're worthy. So in all fairness, those are crucifying themselves on the cross for not being worthy. Then there's the entitled people. They're so delusional. They believe that they're so special that they deserve the best on the planet. Have any of you watched the Housewives series? And that's a classic example in my opinion that there's an entitled group of people. And yet even those people individually are so deeply wounded, so deeply wounded that it's the material things that cause them to seek. Their relationships are transactional and conditional. And no wonder they have dysfunctional relationships. So if we let go of the delusion that it's not about going the distance with a partner, it's not about them feeling the, I need you to complete me. I invite you all to look at relationships as a container to maybe grow as your individual self. And maybe through these experiences, you will find the joy you're looking for. And guess what? All the work you do in this lifetime, guess what? We get to practice it in our next lifetime. And guess what? We get to do it better the next lifetime if you believe in that sort of thing, which I do. And some of you might think I'm crazy. And that's okay too. All right, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post a comment below. I'd like to get a lot of comments going on this particular video. I'd like to hear, please share this video with friends. Please like this video. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel. And if you need some support, reach out to me. Go to my website, jonathanasley.com and either click the group coaching button to join my fantastic group or schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrock of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera. Please excuse those armpit stains and give you a hug of love. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give either of them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now, bye-bye.