 Yeah, but what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure Chuckles with a carload and music by Matty Malnick. So hold on to your chairs folks for here. They are what Abbott and Lou Costello Why are you late again? Why am I late again? Yes? Well, I've been helping my uncle Tom's Zizamas in his butcher shop in Baltimore. He's having a sale on lamb chops for four dollars a pound Wait a minute. He sells lamb chops for four dollars a pound. What does he pay for them wholesale? About six cents a piece Then what makes the lamb chops so high? It's some little paper panties the garment workers union. Don't pay don't work for nothing You know That's talk sense. What why are you limping? Well, when I was coming to the studio tonight a big dog in a parking lot bit me on the lake I still have it out that dog might have rabies. Oh, gee. I hope he does. He'll name one after me Stop yet dummy was that was it ever anybody in your family that wasn't an idiot Lou? Oh, sure my great-grandfather when George Washington crossed the dollar where my great-grandfather Valley Forge Costello was the first man to jump out of the boat. He was yes, but Washington made him get back in The boat and go across anyway What makes you look so tired didn't didn't you get any sleep? Oh, I know it's all off loud last night I kept waking myself up. Well, if you snorts a lot why why didn't you do something about it? I did I moved to another room When I dreamed about Merlin all night long by the way, how are you how are you getting along with Merlin? We're hitting it off pretty good. You are yep. I keep putting my head on her shoulder and she keeps hitting it off Costella Why don't you go back with the rest of the baboon okay any message get him out of here What are you yelling about boy we having trouble what do you mean my uncle Mike and my Aunt May they bought a houseboat on Lake Ourhead and they moved in Monday, and now Aunt May is missing what happened Last night. She forgot and went down in a cellar for a jar of preserves Haven't been there any signs of her at all only one clue this morning. Her apron came out of the water faucet and Pismo Beach Oh, it's too bad. That's too bad cost. Oh, you know, you know my uncle was lost to sea He went down with the ship. We felt terrible about it I know how you feel at it. My great-grandfather went down with his schooner. He did After three beers, he couldn't stand on his feet I'm talking about ships at sea. Have you ever been to sea? Oh sure. I go to sea every Saturday night You go to see every Saturday night. Yeah, I have a burler short the Burbank. I go to sea. I Thought so your coward you'd be afraid to go out in the ocean in a boat. How did you call me a coward? I haven't got a cowardly bone in my body. You haven't no, but there's some flesh. I'm not sure of Yeah, the whole family are cowers Castella. I don't think any of them have ever went to sea Oh, no, my brother Pat was in the Navy him and five other sailors were shipped on a desert island There was only one girl on the island my brother married her one night. He killed her He shot her strangler beat her he poisoned her and then he threw her in the ocean, but I could have been worse They could yeah, she could have married the wrong guy Did any of you the rest of your family ever go to see Lou my whole family was sailors my uncle Tom Used to be on a tanker. Where's he now on a bender I Talk sense now take take me I love the sea the sea the sea is in my blood Lou sailboats sea boats tugboats They're all in my blood. What everybody's got boats in a blood boats in their blood. And you ever heard of blood vessels, but And I should be working with a girl instead of you I work with a clever girl once I remember she wanted me for her husband. Yes I remember to her husband wanted you for target practice Anyway, I'm not like you you've got your eyes on every girl you see I have not got my eyes on every girl I see you haven't no only those I can't get my hands on I The problem with you Lou is that you're not serious about women No, and I'll never get serious about women never never. Well, I may get married and have eight or nine children But that's as far as it'll go Costello without a doubt you have the lowest IQ of any man in California. I know it Abbott, but I try not to act conceded right I Tell her why don't you find a girl and get married? I found a new girl last week I'd call her my little pale face. Is she an Indian? No, then why do you call her pale face? She's got a face like a pale All that stock sense well, what is the girl's right name? Amber Amber was she named after the book? No, she was born on a way to the hospital between a red and green light That's the one you can't get a girl. You're too fat Why don't you go to a Turkish bath and get some of that weight off I spend all afternoon in a Turkish bath across from the studio I put a quarter in a slot and hopped in all right That's not a Turkish bath That's a laundry mat. That's the laundry mat where women rent machines to wash their clothes I wondered why the manager came around and made me hang a towel over that little glass window Someone say what a bundle You should keep in shape Lou wrap that you'll come can we yeah Why don't you be maybe I'll be like me get in shape get exercise years ago I I started planning. I planted things in my backyard and it's kept me young What did you plant your birth certificate? Cassella you are knitted, you know absolutely nothing that is not so I was one of the smartest boys in my school When I was in the fifth grade, I said a record you did yes. I was the only kid in the fifth grade That was old enough to vote Always bragging about your school days. I'm the smart one of this team And I remember when I started in high school or I wasn't like the rest of those 15 and 16 year old boys Oh, you were 37 Hello boys, well look castello. It's our seeing star Marilyn Williams Marilyn you're late tonight. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh boy I was home listening to the shortwave radio from England. My favorite British program was on it's called the Solitary bovine attendant and his horse pound sterling the solitary bovine attendant and his horse pound sterling Yes, that's right. You know over here. It's called the Lone Ranger in silver I get it I listen to one of those programs every day. It's called strike the Jonathan receptacle Like the Jonathan receptacle. Yeah hit the jackpot It was in parenthesis My favorite British program on the wireless is called the she's the condensers She's the condensers. Yes, stop the music Clever and all that rotting Boys you talk like a couple of typical Britishers Castello, have you spent much time in England? No, I haven't been in English since my great-grandmother died I went to London a barrier. You buried your great-grandmother in London. Had to did you know? Oh Hello, you are so clever. Good. Hello. Hey, you're making a big hit with the Castello. So go ahead and ask her for a date Hey Marilyn, how about you and I going to a nightclub after the program a what a nightclub? What's that? Well in Hollywood a nightclub is a place that's got what it takes to take what you've got You go out with you and when we get home on my front porch Suppose I were to throw my arms around you and hold you real tight and then start to kiss you like this What would you do as soon as I see the script I'll let you know You asked Marilyn to go out with you. Yes Costello Why don't you take me out to some swanky place where we can dine and dance? I would I wouldn't know I Wouldn't Merlin, but I couldn't go to a place like that. I haven't got a decent suit to my name Oh, no because that I can straighten that out alone. You want my suit just a minute. What are I just a minute? Do you think I'd wear one of your old suits? Do you you think for one minute that look I sell it would wear second-hand clothing on his back? Do you think I'd stoop so low as to close myself in one of your castaway suits? Yes, well don't stand here. Don't help me put it on the halfway mark in tonight's lap race time for an intermission Costello, let's turn on the spotlight. Let's turn it on on our singing gal from England Oh, that's great for us, and it's great for everybody listening. Here. She is folks Marilyn Williams with Maddie Malmick's music We'll get the stars out of the blue I wouldn't do Costello, where were you last night? I called your house and I went for a drive drive You should see the car I'm driving out the motor is in the back the clutch and a brake pedals are on the right Handside and the steering wheel is on the back seat. Hey, say, how can I get a car like that easy? Just run into a sunset bus? Now you'll have to get a new car. I already bought one at it It's got two search lights two sets of seat covers bumper cars three heaters twin radios and fog lights Well, never mind that. How's the motor? I didn't take the motor. No dealer is gonna stick me with express accessories Is it a good car? Oh, you couldn't get a better car for ten thousand dollars. What are the cost you ten thousand dollars? Let's get on with your detective story. What case have you picked for Sam shovel tonight? It's one of my most interesting cases I call it the case of the grocer who fell in the wet concrete while building his new store or he's stone cold dead in the market All right, let's get on with it I'm Sam shovel private detective I've enough all night working on a case as I sit here in my little office. I'm tired. I start to do I'm taking a cat nap It's a miserable night It's raining a regular California rain out here it rains the hard way the hard way Up just listen to that rain Coming down in buckets Outside there's a heavy Los Angeles fog I can't wait for the fog to lift you get such a beautiful view of the smog When the smog clears away you can see the rain When it stops raining you get a beautiful view of the La Brea topics That's when you start praying for more smog I Walked to the window. I can see the mechanics in the garage across the street working on my car They're tuning up my motor Well, it's time to get back to work on my desk is a file. I'm one of my famous cases Willy the burglar. It was a cracker jack thief. He died broke there ain't much money in stealing cracker jacks And there's another case the case of a murderer AC McGurk I put him in an electric chair myself I strapped a C McGurk in a chair and turned on the current But it didn't kill him. I found out why he was AC and the curtain was DC Suddenly I remember I've got to make a phone call. I Have a party line. I think I'll switch on my police radio 15 gangsters are holding up a bank with machine guns It's a good thing it wasn't parked near a fire hydrant they'd have called out the National Guard They got a fine police department here one of the best is my pal lieutenant Abbott at the homicides squad I'll never forget the time chief wanted to make a mounted policeman of Abbott a mounted policeman He wanted to stuff him with cotton and hang him over the fireplace Lieutenant Abbott used to be a hotel house detective they fired him because he was too noisy He's got a glass eye and every time he put up the keyhole it would rattle Hello, Sam Joe, it's my pal lieutenant Abbott Abbott, I haven't seen you for days. Where have you been on the trail of verlo gang at Burt Well gang that tough gang what a time I had capturing them. I nailed one of them in New Orleans I nailed another one in Chicago. I nailed another one in Boston. Lieutenant Abbott never carries a gun just a hammer and nails Sam shovel you've known me for years you've got to admit one thing they don't come any tougher than lieutenant Abbott I had to admit he was right lieutenant Abbott is plenty tough He's got muscles of steel and iron fist and he smokes nickel cigars Sam Being a cop is no better roses Remember before I was a detective how I used to pound the beat Lieutenant Abbott used to pound the beat the hard way the hard way he pounded it with his head That's when they made him a detective Now he's the most famous gum shoe on the force every place he gets every place he goes he gets gum on his shoes I should have went with him. I got stuck myself Our things at headquarters lieutenant Abbott well I'm a little trouble to him as a guy trying to get revenge on the police force Who is it the guy that runs the fruit stand on the corner every time he passes the station. He swipes a policeman Now I got a new case on my hands I got to find out who smugglin jokes for Abbott in the description Then there's something I've got to tell you it's something that is an encumbrance to my equanimity or Equin to my equanimity What are you trying to tell me lieutenant? Well, Sam, I don't know how to say this you didn't know how to say the last line either Why you concern gosh dang being busted can found it and an Abbott has a foul mouth But that's understandable. He's got a nose like a chicken to Sam I'm gonna give it to you straight your brother's a crook Your brother is the leader of one of the toughest mobs in this town. Okay, lieutenant Ten Jack King Queen ace. What are you talking about? I'm giving it to you straight. That's the biggest rate you can get This is this is serious Sam your brother's a crook you've got to do something I've tried to do something I used to say to him Joe go straight Joe get out of the racket Joe Joe you're gonna get in trouble But Joe he wouldn't listen why his name is Pat Three times I tried to put my brother Pat on the right track, but he wouldn't let me when I the train was always coming Sam your brother Pat is a thief yes He's been stealing ever since he was a kid even in school. He'd steal paper from the supply closet He stole so much paper that when the teacher wanted to give an examination she had to bring the class over to our house Sam she left three kids after school. They've been with us ever since I Know you're a brave man, and you're on the side of the law right lieutenant That's why I came here Sam. I know the headquarters of your brother's mob. I want you to come with me Sam You you are going to arrest your own brother Lieutenant you mean you want me to arrest my own brother a little sad music, please I said sad that's pitiful With the trumpet player, please help out Maddie Malek That's enough try using two lips now All right, lieutenant you want me to arrest my own brother my little baby brother The little brother that laid in the same crib with me my little brother that shared his candy with me when we were kids My brother my own flesh and blood My own brother Sam There's a thousand dollars reward for him. Let's go get the rat We're almost to your brother's mob. Hi, man. I don't have it what sound man has another block to go Sam Why don't you get inside the car you'd be more comfortable? I'm okay. Lieutenant. I'm riding on the running board This car has no running board now. He tells me Sam shovel this is the place for going in and arrest your brother We get inside Identify your brother point them out to me. Come on Lieutenant that's him over there behind the desk the one with the ladder sticking out of his head Why does he have a ladder sticking out of his head? Well, he's really my step-brother What are you two months doing in here? I'll Just a minute. Well, if it ain't me brother meet kid brother Sam Pat shovel my own flesh and blood. Well, how to say 15 That was swell mable tanks. I'll be back at 8 30. Hey Wait a minute. Who was that dame? Oh just one of the gals of my mob. She's our morale builder every 15 minutes She goes around kissing all the boys in the mob. You mean you have girls in this mob or lots of them Look to that door over there See them gorgeous red heads all ten of them there when the gang gets true at a job the girls sit in the fellas laps They stroke their brows. They make love to them. They sued their noise. All right, Sam shovel tell you brother why we're here Brother Pat. Yes, butter Sam. What do you want to say? Could you use two more guys in your mob? There's a curtain call coming up folks, but first you'll be interested in hearing this What are you going to do tonight? I think I'll sneak over to the play team and get me a girl girls girls girls That's all you think of well a man is entitled a life liberty in the pursuit of women No, but you mean the pursuit of happiness you chase what you like and I'll chase what I like Listen each Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show produced a transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanda and featuring Marilyn Williams and Maddie Malnick in his orchestra Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station