 Felly roedden ni i negosio'r platform social media neu ddoedd gyd rwy'n gwneud hynny'n gweld yn gwesto'r gweithredu ac mae ddaf yn gweithio gyflyt o'r cydysgrif iawn a ddylai'r apfer yn fawr gweithredu yno o'u cydysgrif iawn bynnag'r commercials yn fawr. Umar, rwyf yn ei gweithredu'r cyffredin hynny, mae rwy'n edrych i ddiddordeb hynny. A gwrdd, snod o bach o gyrsiau. ac ehwna was ei, dwi'n pwntio dim ffordd wrth gael a hefyd a eu cyffinlog. E'r oed yn ystyried. Ac ydych chi, mae Dedech yn ystafell. Mae eu cyfiad mewn iawn, maen nhw'n gweld y wir ymateb yn cyfnogi o'r eu ffyrdd gyda ei fod yn iawn, yn amser yn rhai drwy'r syniad o'r cyfrifio yn cyfnogi. Mae'r rhaid a erbyn i'n gweld i'r ffrifio yn yr Embrysgwr. A ble mae wedi eich bod ar y cyfrifio, ac mae wedi'i wneud i gyd yn amser hefyd. Ac rwy'n mynd i naddiad. Rwy'n drwsiaid mewn sistanio'n gwy fullad o hyfforddiad. Nid yna dwi'n gallu tro ffroi anglais ac yn fwy o'r tyfford diolch. Dyfforddiad o'n gwy ffordd o'r tyfforddiad. Wydyn nhw'n sefydlu y dyfforddiad newydd. Fy ffordd o'r tyfforddiad, yw eu gweld ar rywm i fyfaf o phobl. Ac rydyn ni wedi rhoi'n cyfrifiad ein paroleu. Mae ddigweld erioedol o'r tyfforddiad brunai. Dwi'n crof дальше ddim fydde. .. ac deall e'n lleol i chi. Yn credu y balau i'r neb yn ysgol. malfunction ond, ac mae'n dweud i newydd .. .. ac hefyd y gallwn cemnodd a'i tyfnodd y lleol hefyd. Mae erioed yn cair i meddwl, James. Fe yma'r cyfarfodaeth yng Nghymru hani'n ffordd... .. yn dda i fynd i'n bion, It makes me feel really emotional, and I kind of push that down, you know, I suppress them with those feelings. Bwma rawn! Today's guests have got my good friend Billy Mewa. How are you, ma brir yn? I'm good, James. Thank you for having me back. Thanks for coming back. The last podcast we've done, I was just starting the game, sittin in a gym, people running behind is. It's still done well. Nearly half a million views. I've interviewed a lot of people, but I've needed over 200 people now. Ac y gallwn yn ei saffynb wrongu. Rwy'n tyfnwys yn ystod yn fyw i'n synrydd. Mae'r presbyn gennym lle yn wg Llywodraeth. Mae'n gwahau a'r gritau i'r wych, yn ei bobl yn ei bwysig i ddyn nhw, erbyn ddyn nhw. Mae'n fyw ddyn nhw. Mae'n credu am y gallwn arlwyntio. Mae'n amser i ddysgu'r gweithio am yr adegau, ond mae'n fyw yn fyw yn ymwysig ar gwybod mafio'i. Ac mae'n eich bws i gyd ymddangos i'r ffordd, Mae'n gobeidio, mae'n gobeidio. Mae'n gwybod i'n gweithio fydd y bodi bodi, mae'r podcaster eich bodi yn gyfodol ni. Fydden nhw'n gweithio'r gweithio'r pethau. Abyddai i'r ffèisio'r camerau sy'n rhoi, mae'r eu cymdeithasau a'r cyflwyno. Mae'r ffaith ddweud o'r bwrth, mae'n ddim ffordd o'r gweithio'r gweithio, dwi'n gweithio'r pheithio'r ffaith, Ie, ond dwi'n cael ei wneud ei wneud. Mae'n cael ei ffordd i'r wneud. Rwy'n gweithio'r perthyn sy'n gweithio aheadrach. Mae'r pwysig yma ar-drae. Mae'r ffwrdd am yna yn ymgyrchol yn gyffredinol. Mae'n gweithio'r ddwy, mae'n gweithio'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio'r ddwy. Rwy'n gweithio'n gweithio'r ddwy. Rwy'n gweithio'n gweithio. Mae'r ddwy wedi bod yn ei gweithio. Felly, mae rydw i'w cwylwch chi, mae rydw i wedi'u gyrddoedd i'w rydw i ni, a rydw i'w cael ei wneud, a rydw i'w cwylwch chi'n gweithio'r ddwybyn. Felly, mae'r cyhoedd iawn, mae'r cyfeilio. Mae'r cyfeilio'r cyfeilio eich cyfrifoedd, mae'r cyfeilio'r cyffredin, mae'r cyffredin a'r cyffredin. A rydw i'n credu holl o'r cyffredin, ond rydw i'n cyfrifio'r cyffredin a'r cyffredin. Ddyw'n credu? Felly na, mae'r hyn oedd y dylai, ond yw'r anhygrif iawn o'r eich llyfr y mynd yma. Felly, fynd eich eich yrhaith o'r drwg, rwy'n fynd i fynd i'ch gael ar y dyma. Felly, rydych yn ymryd o'r review am Amazin, a yn ffosgol, mae rhaid i'r cychwyn i'r pryddio'r prysydd. Felly, mae'n rhai ddefnyddio'r yma. Mae'n gwneud bod eich llyfr wedi'u cychwyn i fynd i'r cychwyn i'r cychwyn i fynd i'r cychwyn i'r cychwyn i'r llyfr. a rwy'n gwybod hefyd i'r rheoli. Ond yn gallu hwnnw, mae'n gallu'n gweithio'r teidbwch, a dyna'r gweithio'n gyfer oedd eich brwyth. Erbyn, mae'n gweithio'r gweithio, gyda'r unrhyw sydd yn targed. Yn y cyfnod, Jo. Efallai y legend. Mae'n amserau gyda'r social media. Mae'r aelod yn gweithio'n gweithio'r ffordd. Ond efallai chi wedi ei oed yn gweithio'n gweithio. ond mae'n gweithio'r fawr, ei bob edrych i fyny, cymysgwch mewn gweithio'n gweithio. E'r cymryd effaith ym Mwneud, ôl dda chi efo. Mae gael eu fan yn gyfannu. Mae'r cyfrifio'n gweithio hyn ychydig, dyna'n iawn, ond mae'n gwneud o'ch gwneudio. Mae'n hollf. Roedd y bydd y bydd dros ei fod i. Mae'n hollf yn molygan! Mae a wneud i chi eich hollu, ond mae'n golygu. Mae mae'n mynd o hyd yn gwneud eu pethau o gwneudio. Yn gym appliances mae'r gwahanol yn ôl. Ble yw'r yn gilydd gyda щоon. Felly mae'n gwneud y tîm, a'n ymgweithio ar gyfer mewn addysg. Mae wedi cynhyrchu hyn o gyllid y tîm, mae'n rhaid o gwneud o'n gweithio ac o'n gweithio. Rwy'n cyfu'r cyfrificio ar fy gaelan sy'n gwneud ac mae'n gweithio'n gweld yn cyfeirio. Mae wedi gweld yn ddod i'r brifwg. Mae'n dweud sy'n gweithio, ac mae gennym. Mae'n ystyried i'r cyffredin am bod yn ôl yn ymweld, ac mae'n ystyried i'r cyffredin. Wrth gwrs, mae'n cyfath o'r cyffredin, ac mae'n cyfan o'r ysgol, ac mae'n cyffredin i'r cyffredin, ac mae'n gwneud bod eu bod yn gael'r cyffredin, ac mae'n amser i ddiweddio, gan ymgyrch yn gwneud pobl fel yma. Felly mae'n rai fod yn gilydd. Mae'n gilydd i'r cyffredin. Mae'n gilydd o'r cyffredin, It's my guilty because my addiction stole a family from me I said. We talked about this on the first one , there was no add in the fact I was struggling through life with a lot of team, i'was ysgol dwi'n latrwg ond. Drugs became more important than my family and shitting there, I've got a brother who's got autism and to be honest I felt embarrassed and ashamed Cyswyddu i'r ffordd o'i bod yn dweud i'r gwasanaeth y ffordd yma, peidio'n rhan o'i gael i'r ffordd. Fodd ydych chi'n gweithio, fe fyddech chi'n gweithio, fe fyddech chi'n gweithio, fe fyddech chi'n gweithio. Fodd roedd yn rhan o'r lle wneud o'r llyfrwyddiadau, fe ddaeth ar y cyflwystiau am y cyfrwyddiadau, I then drank her Lord and it was a smashie ni aw sword me mum. She worked every hour God gave us and provided the best she could. But couldn't the intimacy was quite low. Because the fact that there was a low was just really one of the main's. For years she was just dead. Did you feel ashamed, Bow? I felt embarrassed. I don't know why. I was young. Because you knew you needed your help but you were... Yeah, I had that air of arrogance, you know, a ddewd. We've got an air of arrogance, we think we can live forever. He was just there and I never acknowledged him, you know. And I feel like terrible. I've never said this before in the way I'm going to speak about it because it makes me feel really emotional. And I kind of pushed that down. I suppressed those feelings. I remember shitting. It wasn't long after we'd done a podcast with Giself. It was in 2019, I got out of jail. I was on a tag. I had to live with my mum in a bungalow. On a camp bed. I had nothing. And I was always there because he's my mum's just care there. And he used to shitting next to me. And you know when we're on our phone and you know people roast in it and you buy a more important than your family and you're either like that or you're like someone's posting wherever you don't even know who they are. And my brother's shitting there and asking me questions and he's saying how are you. And he wants to tell me about his day and I'm like I'll come back in a bit later. I'll speak to you soon. I'll see you in a few days. Come back next week. Always dismissing him. And then he sat next to me while I was there and then I said I'll speak to you in a minute and he's just got up and walked off. And that was the moment. I don't know what it was. It was like a moment of clarity. What the fuck am I doing? I'm addicted to this phone and the people that love me, the ones that are shitting next to me. And I put a damn and I went in the kitchen and we had the chat and it was the best conversation I've ever had with them. It was like it was just powerful and I wanted to include them in my life and do things with them and start to see them through a boxing club and I'm facing that name. It's just developed from there to be honest. That shows you how much you've changed in life and shows you how far you've come. Instead of thinking about yourself, try to get the next fix. Try to stay out of prison battling your own demons to then become a different animal. Pure, honest, loyal. And that shows your character over the last two years. We were just fucked like shit. Two years ago, I was just starting my journey. We used to laugh, we used to slaughter everybody. But we always had vision. We always said for day one, get your book out. We'll get the podcast. We'll do this and do that. We're fucking doing it, brother. We are doing it. The videos that you're doing with Joe now no matter if you've never been there at the start. You're making up for lost time now. Same as myself with the kids at the start. I would always pan them off to my mum. I was going through the first three, four, five years of her life. I was still in party mode where I never ever felt like a father. This is the first time the last year, two years. I feel like a father. I feel like I am there. I feel it's not just about me. We're living and learning. You're making an example of people who can change. We'll touch on the prayer before dawn. We touched on it at the first podcast but I think now we can get a bit more intimate by in our room, silence, and go through that kind of period when you got the chair in Thailand. What was that experience, Bill? That was obviously... I was in that change. I wanted to live a better way of living. I've been in that way of life where I've been on the landings, on prisoner use, down in segregation, taking drugs. That was the way of life. Like I said, it was more important than anything that was in front of me. I decided I was going to go to a rehab because I don't know if I remember. I don't know if I've shared this on the first podcast but I remember the most significant moments in my life. I don't know if I've shared this on the first podcast but I remember the most significant moments in my DNA. I was on the prison yard in Bolton, in TMP Liverpool, and we were having a shit-off. It was... It was 2003, and we decided that we're not going back in our shells. I've had enough of using drugs, by the way, right? There's no help at the time. There was no rehabilitation. It was just bang up to your rattle. Get your shit together, get out and start again. I was on that pattern of going back in. I'm on the yard. Next step of show, let's get on the roof. That's a great idea. The first kid that got up was a kid called Dostie. I remember the moment he got on the roof and everyone screamed and yelled and windows were banging. I loved that attention. I wanted a bit of that. So I decided it was my turn to get up. I think it was the third one to climb up. I was thinking it was the oldest as well. I put a bit of weight on, so I had a bit of a fat ass, and I remember halfway up this screw call, Mr Musil shouted, you'll never get up there, you fat ass, and halfway up. I fucking slipped, and I landed on the yard. I fucking landed on my ass, it'd be painful. But you know that shame I'm off the needle I'll get back up. It seemed there's something like an off-sea ratio from the last one. They were up there, they were pulling me up, and I was like, you want to make a show of us? And the minute I got up there and everyone started cheering, I just felt wow, this is it. And then it stopped. And it was about the next guy, and then I thought I was going to fucking jump off. You know, this was it. It was like a moment. It was like a negative way of asking for help. And in reality it did me justice, you know, and I went to this rehab. Got clean. Realised the other problem. I lived a little bit and enjoyed my life. Got a passport. Banked the bank account, all the stuff that you get when people say for granted. I was off on my travels to Thailand, and that was another journey. How was that, John? Did he feel as if you were running away instead of facing the problems? No, I never felt that. I wrote that about my first stories. I never felt that I was running away. I felt I was running just something. I was running away from myself. I was on the run for years and there was no one chasing me. But when I went there, it was like, you know, I'm just a well-class card carrying pleasure seeker. It was a hot country. The people were beautiful. The food was great. The experience was amazing and I fell in love with it. I'd never left Liverpool unless it was on a sweat box going from one prison to another. It's a South East Asia. You know, you go in there. In recovery, but I had, like, on street of addiction. I wasn't aware of my emotional insecurities and the way I'd react instead of responding. So that created a lot of problems with consequences. How was it to adapt to that weather as well and the climate everything to go from England to then Thailand? Well, I got off the plane and I remember it was in November 2005 and it was done by one guy I pulled back then, they've changed it now. I got off the plane and the heat was just tremendous. You can imagine in November back home it was snowing. You know, I've never actually experienced that so I got to get sore for it. I made with this wave of heat and I couldn't believe that it was like November. We jumped in this little soak soak up into Cow's Iron Road and it was hustling and bustling and it was just amazing. The time was quite naive and I felt immediately in love with the country of the city. How long were you there before you got to June? I think it was there almost a year because I spent five years in the country. I went there for three months back in 2005 and came back in 2010 so maybe just over a year. See that experience in there in your first book you wrote about dead bodies and people fucking suicide, people having knives. Did you ever get treated for that, like PTSD or any trauma? I spoke about this in the story when I was in Wansway I had this fella with a pony tail shit doing card tricks with me and all this crazy gear and I thought I don't really need this or any kind of therapy. I felt it was like tough a tough upbringing and I could adapt to any situation. I mean have you played the horrors of someone getting stabbed and dying in front of me over and over again in my mind whilst I was banged up over there and I lived in a lot of fear and I'm not ashamed to admit that it was quite scary. You know I was a minority I'm sleeping in shelves with 80 people no one can speak English I can barely speak Thai so I felt really lonely and it was like you can imagine it was the loneliest I'd ever felt full of people and I couldn't communicate I couldn't share about how I was feeling or express anything so far not that experience difficult and what a witness it was quite shocking it was you don't see this on a regular basis in the UK prisons you know I spent a lot of time in the prison established over here growing up in prisons I was educated in prisons and I'm a glamourised in prison by any slater than my imagination it was a consequence of addiction for me. How was that, try to survive in there was there any teams that you'd ever see I don't think... There was plenty of times I remember wanting to buy a pair of lasers off this young Thai guy and he knew what I wanted them for and he said you can't kill yourself in the best way because there was rules every morning there was 10 rules that got shouted over the time I didn't understand what they were saying but I knew none song Sam C was once a 10 none and they come out with it a rule and one of them was that you couldn't commit suicide you couldn't kill yourself that's the truth every night they'd have a 24 hour watch on the shelf so you go to sleep and every hour on the hour they'd be sitting there watching the rest of the day the lights would be on never had the lights off in the shelf they had strobe lights and they were constantly on through the night he'd be scanning the sheer bodies that was in front of him any problems he'd blow a whistle on someone who'd come running some people managed to fall asleep some did in the lives but yeah he was like what happened was if you killed yourself collectively as a shell you'd be punished and the punishment was quite severe I think that was the first time I felt a little bit like not selfless instead of selfish you were with me it was like cos they were kind to me they were offering me food I was just depressed I was just got to a point where I thought I can't fucking cope with this that speaks to no one it stinks, the food is shit no one knows where they are and it was just horrendous watching people getting raped and having to witness that was terrifying it was quite a scary experience James and that hasn't speaking about it now I'm reflecting on there was a few questions that were asked from the first book what happened to the drugs because when I got arrested I had a load of drugs on me with a bit of tablets and I forgot to mention really where they went and for me if I was a reader I'd think you've got a parcel there what's happening to me where's it gone but yeah I think the first book was rushed I had a time the guy who was the publisher in silence Eric Sharon he said I was using drugs I was writing that as well back in the UK so he was going on forever he said look I need to you need to finish it by this day so I've got to fill it in for you there was a bit of a rush on that one so I missed a few things out because you can scrapbo you've had many fights you're a proper fighter do you think you wouldn't have survived if you couldn't fight in a Thai prison I've always been the way it was I didn't have any relationships that were positive I always had reaction shapes I'd react to say I was quite vulnerable and I don't mean when I'm saying I'm vulnerable I'm sensitive I don't mean I'll start reading your poems off the land and sending your flowers I'm sensitive if you're looking at me funny I feel that I think is it because I've said something to him or you don't let on to me I get all this way of thinking so there's the sensitivity I don't understand the language and when he did speak to me he was saying something about me because it was kind of aggressive and it was in rapid sight and I was observing and I was listening and if you spoke to him a bit different than he did speak to me then I knew so I would react and it ends up scrapping with a few people but it would always get better because it would be never on one on to one and I ended up in a few bad states earlier I was bad at a few times so it did give as good as it got but yeah it was a... I was never going to win any wars there James Can they scrap themselves? I wouldn't say they could scrap I mean the tie boxes the tie boxes are tough but I mean tie prisoners they just scrap it'll be like about half a dozen of them on top of one and then anyone's you're not going to win a fight then are you you're getting it with all kinds that kid who's been in Peaky Blinders who you're good friends with has also been on your podcast how's that relationship now? It's all brilliant brilliant he stuck behind me through the tick and tin even when it had been arrested and had been away you know we understood because he's been and lived in my shoes he knows how complex I am or was or can be so he's done it like a character study so he understands the... the way I am it's all fucked up it's all fucked up fucking box of frogs so he's just been an incredible friend and I mean saying that today and he's just like anyone else he's not just because he's on the TV and he's doing a lot of great things he's just a young kid getting through life paying the bills he has the shame to suppose that anyone else does you know when I like that because I've sat down with him and I've had really deep conversations and it's been it's been amazing just to listen to someone else who you feel that you can put on a pedestal you know what I mean and in reality it's just the same as yourself yeah phenomenal actor so when you go out to the Thai prison bowl what was your plans what was the motive to change your life were you still battling him when you got out I was more fucked up I went to Wandsworth and I think it was hanging in I was just hanging on just trying to stay clean just trying to hang in there a little bit of name I managed to not use whilst I was in Wandsworth when I got to Wandsworth it was like a culture shock I've been in Thailand for five years you know obviously the weather was boiling over there and I've come back to the UK March the 31st pride to come back I didn't think I was going to ever get back to the UK especially alive because I believed I believed I'd stay there and I wouldn't get back and I'd end up dead there and there was a bit of me that was going to look you know you need to survive and get through this this is the reality if you don't want to survive it wasn't tough for everyone it was tough for me because I made it tough for me people go yeah I've been there it wasn't that hard washing my socks I never you know I went about it really tough I was involved in drugs in debt always in and out of fights with that kind of lifestyle comes a lot of consequences show the feelings we're going to get out we're going to get out and when the the MC came and said look we're going to get a repatheration for you we're going to get your battery UK I was delighted it was made though and that was happening around March 28 2007 but prior to that there was something called the reds and the yellow kind of process going on Bangkok was on fire there was bombs going off the airport was shattered it was blocked off they kept coming back to me saying look your flight is being delayed you will be going back to the UK and to get these messages from you've got to remember I've got no outside I'm not hearing exactly what's going on outside there's no radios in the shelves the TV's are just tie game shows and we can't understand the way that's getting said on them so I had no idea what was going on no one was coming in and telling me that the city was all on fire and everything I'm just getting sold it's delayed we don't know when something like what the fuck and he didn't really want to tell me what date it was that you go because of the security risk anyway he did come it was on the 31st of March 2007 it was a 12 hour flight and I remember getting on I remember the screw miss the money penny and he said to me what religion are you before he said to me what religion are you he asked me he was telling me about ones word he was talking about the muslin gangs now I've had changed my religion in Thailand to Islam you know my name was use of Muhammad and I did that because I wanted to keep the engine new in my life I was hungry and I remember walking around after paying these debts but I never actually had the money to pay these debts I begged these missionaries to help me so they support me I was going to end up with getting injected with HIV and I didn't fancy having a long death sentence I just didn't fancy fucking dying at all in that way so I got these debts cleared up and I kept walking around in the prison and seeing these muslin guys eating his food and he said you know you can shit with us today and have something to eat and he enjoyed it and he said I'll come back tomorrow when you go to muslin brothers so I said come back and I changed my name to use of Muhammad through a skull cap on and I thought this is shit I'll have my dinner every dinner so I'm here you have to move into my cell so they moved me into the cell for a year so I was reading the can and I enjoyed it it was an experience all the foreigners that were there were judging me and saying you know you're blagging it you're fucking surviving it is what it is I'm trying to get through the best way I can but I learned how to read Arabic and you know Fajar and the shahadir and I learned about the way the Quran meant to recite so I learned a lot about the Islamic religion but I was also asking questions because I was naive and I believed what the papers said and if you say muslims backpacks so I asked what's all this people killing each other and he said they're extremists the fundamentalist he said Islam means peace when I say to you that means peace be with your brother and you're safe so I learned a few things he said people like that they can't really claim to be a religion of peace so it was nice and it kept me safe it kept me alive and when I was on the plane one of the the screw that was talking about what religion it was he was mentioning these muslim gangs in London and I put them down and when he asked me what I was I just said I said no, an atheist I felt embarrassed I felt to be judged instead of just admitting and accepting I didn't want to kind of rock the boat it was just until I got there and when I'm in Wandsworth I felt really guilty about denying this religion that it kept me alive for over a year and I spoke to the in man in Wandsworth prison and I explained my situation and I told him why I denied it and he said look just come to a tumour on a Friday he said I'll have your opened up and it's okay because it didn't enjoy it it kept me granted and I remember on a Friday afternoon when he's opened up it was the same screw that had brought me over right from Thailand and he looked at me dressed in the sharon and he said I just shook his head I just shrugged and smiled and moved on and that was it, I was okay with it you know I knew of Wandsworth when I got out I ended up fucking I just ran a bend I do I'm involved in a recovery programme and there's something that says we short health through religion, psychology and medication so we were seeking help in religion psychology and medication everything but like being a piece with yourself I was looking for a lot of things outside of me to look after me drugs, different drugs I'm on this drug so they'll give me that drug to come off this drug so I never came off anything I'll shit with the psychiatrist and I'll talk about my feelings for fucking years nothing's changing I'll change my religion I went from a Catholic to a Buddhist to a Muslim to a fucking hell I'll be a Hindu I'll be whatever it takes to keep me mad because you know it's on fire my thinking quite volatile and I get forced I come through the back door fucking call me all a swat going that's just all the pain and trauma you've seen you've been through a fucking hell of a life ball a constant battle but for what you're achieving now is unrelivable and that's how I'm proud of you when you talk about people getting injected with HIV what does that mean so what did they do they had these improvised syringes made out of pens these ties so they'd get this and it was white it was white it was pure fucking it was pure pure heroin I'd be smuggled in by prison guards you're not supposed to have money in the prison but there was loads of money getting flashed about Currency was the king's head stamps there was a lot of currency with stamps you could be able to buy your food because if you didn't have money you'd be in prison issue standard shite which was fish head soup and a bowl of sticky rice twice a time it was fucking filth and you'd the smell of it and it would knock you sick I remember the first time I was holding my nose and I was eating a rice and trying to stomach a little bit of this soup and it was just fucking disgusting I had a film of death on it and the flies were all over it you know this is this is horrendous it was horrible you had a little bit of money you could eat well and that's what a strived just to eat well and survive and they were injecting people with so back to with the heroin the monopoly was like there was a lot of Nigerians in the prison they were selling the heroin and there was also the site mafia they were dealing with the samurai gangs they called tattooed from head to toe quite dangerous very small but like packs of them they didn't care they had no value of life so what had happened is if you didn't have your money to pay that debt I've seen it they've stuck sylindges full of blood in other people and it was horrible and I remember seeing this little Malaysian kid he was always in debt and he got him with the back of the billets and that was it he just depunctured them full of holes and he was like you know what you just know that's it he's dead whether it's then or in a few years that's fucking scary that's scary I don't know you know that's all about the story James I've shared this a few times you know yours were the first podcast I've ever been on I've been on a few since and I've repeated my story over and over again I've wrote about it a million times I've sat in conventions and sort of about it people find it quite intriguing and interesting human history, survival stories people are like they love listening to that kind of stuff I don't know why but it becomes like you're conditioned to just talk about it and it becomes normalised so when I say to someone he started himself in the neck right and it was blood everywhere he ran in the guards office don't know why, what was going on he started himself in the neck and he came out and took himself hostage he had the blades which flowed it was blood pumping from everywhere he was known to have HIV all the guards with the stands are back they were terrified as everyone was scattering and the first thought in my mind was while everyone was distracted the queue was a little bit low so it wasn't like wow look at this cos it's seen it that many times and when you sell people that story they go what the fuck, what's wrong with you I don't know it was over and over and over again it was a daily thing I was just more concerned about getting a decent cup of coffee almost a little bit of drama and I think that's what life's all about people love drama, people love like soxic platforms getting back to it I want to inspire positivity I've been living it I've lived in that way that soxic way of living and all that drama and trying to get attention all the emotional vampires jumping on it because they love it and there's not enough love and there's not enough positivity out there and I hope that me and my brother can provide that because I've lived that negative way of living it's very immature that's a grow up pretty quick and I think you will grow up with your she shit like that you know that's tiresome though all the negativity and all the bullshit I've been doing this for a year and not once have I broke not once have I shouting out and screaming for me it's embarrassing I'm trying to make changes every guest I have on no matter who it is there's always something you can pick up on there's always mental health getting spoke about everybody battles in their own way their own demons we deal with them separately some people dealing with them by whatever it is they do but for me it's all about trying to be show compassion show a bit of love but listen we're still fucking animals we'll take no shit but lives can't be good if you want it to be good I'm just trying to create something constantly working constantly pushing the boundaries constantly raising the bar it's difficult that life ain't easy but it's not supposed to be easy but as human beings we can strive towards greatness we can strive towards better all the negative bullshit I do not deal with for me I don't want to get involved in any negativity it always comes your way you always be tested but for me listen I prove by my actions I'm not one of these guys who's constantly my job is to talk but I don't constantly talking bullshit bullshit like I'm working hard same as yourself I just want a better life not just for ourselves for our family and you see the bad eggs everywhere and it happens but there's also good eggs as well there's also good people trying to make a change try to better themselves and that's very important in life is to learn from the people who are actually doing it too many people have got platforms now they will just talk shit bo just talking absolute garbage in it people can buy into the bullshit drama sales it's us at times I say fuck the followers he's getting and he's just like chatting loads of shit and I don't feel I'd like to do something like that just to gain that kind of following because the following that you're getting is probably toxic as well and that you enjoy that stuff so I avoid that and there's never been a negative comment on a post I've shared with my brother and Twitter is quite critical you know yourself it's ruthless because I believe that he's dead in a sense and he's not scripted he shares it with us it's beautiful I was with him last night after I left the events and I don't know he's just I just love the bones of him I'll be shitting in the car with him and he'll just randomly say I love you and he'll go down I'll go yeah do you lad he's still quite guarded now and I feel like he's amazing woman by the way she's beautiful and she's a great woman and when she hugs me I feel like I wanna rescape I feel like I'm I don't know what is it I think it's the years and years of drama and loathing, rejection and make ups and break ups and shake ups all the shit that goes with life and the feelings that I've gone through Allwn lose the end of dish now. Hear e am oe'r stage i my life where I feel a little bit more grounded on four years in recovery I haven't so so used a drogo drink in all that time. I was still on a tag, I was on a tag when you don't have podcast with me. Still in your mum. I was still in me mum was on a tag. I feel really embarrassed and ashamed of the shit that I'd done. But then I kind of understood that I'd done these things because it was driven by a substance. And which shall declare a clarity of mind, I wouldn't have done it. So I had to stop beating myself up. Big John said that last night, you know, you shut the door in the past, we moved forward. And that was something that stuck out of his little chat last night and I thought, wow. Yeah, Big John Fiori, we were at a live audience last night with Big John. And what a man, I don't know if you're a lot of people you're up there with. Big John, I always give you support, I always give you love ball. And again, that man as well, he's bad, he just stays in his little hut, he says, and just does his own thing, he sounds like a big superstar on the planet. And they're just so humble and you become very close. It's weird that when you talk about the struggles, when you start changing, when you come off the drink, the drugs, when I've started making all the wee changes, the conscience that you get because you get clarity of the pain and misery you've caused. And that's the difficult thing because then that ship which makes you want to turn back and go back on the gear, once you start battling through it, things start changing, new opportunities arise. This is why I always say, you just keep going ball, consistency, consistency. Look at the doors that are opening for me now, three years deep. It's not a six month one year plan, it's a two years, three years. Then yourself you'll be doing live audiences everywhere with different people, you just keep building a brand and then doors open like the guests and calibre. I guess I can get them, I was unbelievable for where I've started, to what I'm achieving now. This is why it's important for people listening, consistency is key. Everybody starts, nobody finishes ball. We never finish the race completely anyway because we're all going to fucking die, but it's to finish strong and get as close to happiness as possible. Which is a hard thing to do because we don't really know what happiness is to a certain degree because we always want more of it. When I'm happy ball, something will come into my mind and I think, why are you happy? Look what you've done in the past. Sabotage. Yeah, and then I start feeling sad again, then I feel normal because my life's been just a chaos. Do you know what I think, when we're talking and we're doing podcasts and we're interviewing guests and like yourself, I feel it's nice to identify like yourself with their experience as well. So do you feel it done on her own? You know I'll sit there and I'll just want to see how I'm like yourself. We haven't come in with a list of questions. I don't think that's authentic. You're sitting there going, okay, so what happened to you Bill, what happened to you? So I've never done that. I've never really done any research. I don't watch podcasts to be honest that I'm not really a big fan of watching them. I don't know why, I've watched a few. I've watched a few of yours and Joe Rogan. But I've not really, I can get really critical you see. So I avoid it. I avoid it and I'm right in my proper fucking judgemental looking bastard, not a meaner. Sometimes I play a private judge, but you know, I'm like what the fuck is that? And I know that's just the toxic kind of like the way I can manipulate myself into pulling someone else down because I feel shit at that moment about myself. So I want to elevate myself and I think that's fucking James English and this and that and I can get quite envious. And the reality of it is I know I'm in a shit place then. I've done that. I've got that guest and he's got that guest and then people go to me. I found him and I thought, he's a fucking fast after market this country. This is me, right? And then I go, he's got my bill, it's a business. It is what it is. And I remember speaking to Rodri and he was like, oh no Bill, I've just spoken to James the week before. I don't the fuck did he even know about you? You know, so it's a, but I forget that you've been in this, you know, and I'll say this hour, hour is James, you know. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have probably, well I wouldn't have because it wasn't really that keen on doing podcasts. I didn't understand it. I didn't think it was IT. Well, I'm off. Be better is all he has it. Thanks by the way, Michelle. Doing a great job. And it got to a point where I was telling my story and I was getting asked that many times to go on podcast. I was like, through Jody. And I don't great numbers for animals, over two million. And I'll tell you something now, why it went well, right? Because I'd never aided through Jody, right? I'd never aided his shelf. I'd never aided his shoe, Jody. I went on your shelf. I was a bit like, whoa, what the fuck's this? I went on Brian's fucking great fella, Brian. And I never knew who he was. He'd asked me like two years before. And I said to him, is there any money in it? I said, you're going to pay me. He went, no, it'll expose your platform. And I went, what the fuck platform? I haven't got a platform. Fucking on the gear here. You know what the fuck? Help me out. And he said I was about a pound out and I just swept him. And then a couple of years later, he said, what's going on? I said, Jody, you're on your own now, Bill. Strike well, you're on your own sort. You're just being on James' show. I said to him, I'll come on then. No, like I'm doing him a favor. I didn't know any of his background. I went on there and I was like fucking in London to pay for me to go off. That's a bit welcome. I've a smart little area dish in there, you know what I mean? Nice little tap of paddy's go. I sat in there, proper like rig out on that. I didn't feel intimidated because Lawrence was there. And Lawrence was a nice kid, you know what I mean? So it was a bit of a like joke and cheese, the big fella and the sort of like the posh kid. Good cut, bad cut. Yeah, it was a, I don't know, it was just, it was in my element then. I was quite, I kind of felt a bit confident about delivering like the topic that I knew that was good at talking about because of the experience there. So yeah, coming back to that kind of stuff. I got to a stage where I got fed up with it on my shelf. Like, you know, I don't mind this because we can talk about this second story. And which, you know, to write a second book, write it, to have two bios on a lifetime, it's quite an achievement, especially a movie. And I feel that I've succeeded a lot, but there's a part of me that's never enough. It's never enough. Now this story, you know, you think the first one's tough. You know, this one's just as fucking bad, you know. And a lot of people who I know have been on the same journey, you know, it's, it's, it's, yeah. So I mean, it's me saying it for the way it was like James. Your podcast, bro. Oh, the podcast. Yeah. So stars of one with the all-in-one. And someone said, he's got a name called the all-in-one. Fuck, I'm not assed. It's fucking my fucking all-in-one with me. Never mind him or them. You know, I'm not trying to fucking place your ass up. So I've got on it. I've got, use me first guest. To be fair, it was me brother Joe. Right. Joe. You were me first guest. So out to Joe. Big shout out to Joe, yeah. And then you sell James a name. It's got big numbers. And I want to shout out to the kid, Alastair, who passed away. You met him. Man. Quite a, feel quite saddened to, you know, with Alastair Robinson. He, you know. Do you know what would dedicate this podcast with to him? I'll put a photo up at the start of it. And would dedicate it to him. He was, he was looking forward to meeting you. And we'd done a podcast in his apartments in Liverpool. One camera. One camera, yeah. And he ended up killing himself about six weeks ago. And he's only 33. And that's mental health and addiction. The kid was there. And he helped me out. And he appreciated all his support. Although he was a box of frogs. And he was a nice man. So yeah, this is for Alastair. And ever since, you know, I've committed myself to doing a podcast once a week. And what's his hat? Yeah. Fucking hell mate, it's not easy. Shitting up on me all, yourself, you know, turning up at someone's house. And it's been, it's been like, I've enjoyed it. Sometimes you sit there, you know. What the fuck am I going to say here? How's this going to go? And there has been a odd one or two where it's like you, you fucking pull a nail stand and get, you know, a conversation out of someone. And I can understand because if you're not used to being behind the camera, it can be quite difficult, you know. So hi. I mean, I'm not that fucking vain. But yeah, I've enjoyed the, well, I've enjoyed the journey so far. You know, that's some great guests. There's some of the comments, nice one for all the comments. You know, all of yous that say, you know, how many of these have you robbed off James now? And I don't know, probably about half a dozen. You know, it's not about, and have you ever watched the ones that we've both done? They're different. They're different spells on them and, you know. But this is, it's only interviewers, like I will help out anybody. Yeah. If somebody sees a guest or a light cam, can I have it? There's their details. It's exposure for them. They've been good enough to come on my show that it's not about it's competition, this and that. Everybody's on their little journey. These are ferry possessions for people. So a guest that I've had on and you have on, it's different audiences as well and people can pick up different things. Like, nobody's in competition with me. I do my own thing. I work hard to be where I am. Like, I'm not interested in the bullshit bull, the drama. People can say what they want. I don't retaliate. I just work hard in life. If you've got enemies or you want to hurt your enemies, kill them with success, bull. Go and prepare yourself for an amazing life because that hurts people more. And I'm just not interested. I just want to stay hardworking, provide for my family. I'm creating a big platform and getting great guests. I'm making money. I'm travelling all over. I'm succeeding. I don't need to get involved in the bullshit. And that's the shame, James. I feel like I'm not going to have a platform for people to put people down. It's not a aim. No, I'll never have a guest on. And if they've got a bit of beef with someone, I'll say, look, you've got a bit of beef. I haven't. It's your, let's move on. It's all about you and it's all about the individual because it's not fair. You know, they're not here to defend themselves. I avoid. Right, and I've had a few guests on which can be controversial. And I haven't put them up yet. Probably put them up by the time. Yeah, well, by the time this is on, it'll be up a name. I've always, you know, I keep it simple. You know, talk about you. It's your experience, your journey. And that's it. It's great. And it's been going well and started off with with fucking no subscribers. Literally, well, October, I think I've reached almost 17,000 subscribers in six, seven months, which is incredible for me. I believe, I kind of pace of eight, you know, and a lot of people have helped and retweeted and supported and for all those that I've subscribed and commented, I appreciate it. And I feel that it is because the comments underneath are like, you know, you're really helping me. You're talking about the diction, you're talking about Mel and Aldi. There's a lot. I'm fucking experienced to me. I've got a lot of lived experience. You know, I'm still here. I'm still clean. I've been through a lot of shit. I've had cancer stage three at being in prisons and it's been fucking really tough. You know, I've had relationship breakups while I ended up on the heroin and crack cocaine. You know, I've been in institutions. And I think, you know what, fucking hell, why are you still here? Why are you still here? And I think there's a reason, right? I've never had kids. You know, I've never had kids. It was like a shit. I'm living on a fucking, on a camp-bed. With two bishons. Mi ma e fosbind a jo. And my fucking life is like, what the fuck? I've just got through stage three cancer and got out of a prison where I had a girlfriend at the time that had did you on me. Which is difficult. And I stayed clean, by the way. I was in prison and I was in recovery. And this is where I wrote that second book. And this is a big observation on the prison establishments that are currently going on to day. And this is, there's a big, big, big chapter on how that is now. You know what I mean? Which is important. The spice epidemic. You know what I'm saying? This book sort of explores me childhood a lot more, you know, goals and what stuff. This, what stuff growing up. Well growing up and feeling, feeling less than. Feeling rejected. Screaming out for a bit of love from me dad. Getting beat up by someone who I thought was Biero. And I loved. But still getting beat up and telling them I loved them. You know what that's? That's like, you know, I'm getting battered. You know, telling your dad that you're loving. It's, it's, it's, it's, it was fucking having to write that stuff changing and having to watch me mum. You know, grow old before my eyes. You know, I've been. See, this is what. This, this story is about like travelling. Going about your life self-censored. Not thinking about anyone. Like me brother Joe. He's in the way. Me mum's me mum and that's it. See if you're granted. Me brother's his sister's. I can't be arsed with them. It's just me and me against the world. And then it stops. And then you're in front of your family and you think 15 years have gone by. And you really say you go and look at your family. You go, they've all aged. You know, your mum's fucking elders wrinkles there. And it's so sad to him. It's an experience that. So when I'm writing this, this, this second story, I'm talking, I'm going right through my childhood and going right through growing up. You know, and the reasons why I'm so complex. And there's a contributing factor to an individual's behaviour, you know. I'm aware now that I wasn't given any guidance. Or any, there was no divine intervention where she wanted to be stepping in. I was just left to be on devices, you know. So yeah, there's a lot in that story that I felt that helped me heal. Now, you know, now I've got a family. You know, I've got a little boy. I feel like, wow, that's, that's the arm. I've been diagnosed with cancer. That's all that I couldn't have kids. Now I've been with, this talks about being with three women that I thought had loved, that have all aborted pregnancies. But she broke me out, James. I mean, I'm so terrible from like when I was, from the 20s up until like my late 30s. And the relationships had, I'd see there was a lot of mistrust with women. You know, they aborted pregnancies and I couldn't trust them and then I met this girl and she became pregnant. And I was shocked to see the least because I didn't think he had anything in the bank because of the cancer. And we had this beautiful baby boy which is just fucking all these gorgeous, obviously takes after me. I mean, I know he has his gorgeous and I've been with him every single day and just watching him grow and I think this is the right time. I would never have been a dad. I could never be a brother. I could never be a son. You know, I could never be a partner. You know, drugs were robbing me show. I was plowing misery into myself for decades. Now I'm granted and for a family in a house and you know, I'm doing a lot of things that I benefit in myself and the community which is important. You know, I think it's a community and family values now and my mum phones me up for a bit of advice and I was with her last night and you know, spend more time with me brother than I do. And he's my hero. People say you're his. He's not, he inspires me to stay, to be a better person. James, he does, you know what I'm saying. I'm walking out. He's just an absolutely beautiful, amazing soul. And I don't know why I didn't see that years ago. I was blocked. I was, you know, for anyone out there who's got a family and you know, they are important. Don't dismiss them. It's the ones that love you, the ones that are sitting next to you. Not the ones that are in fucking some of the parts of the country smiling on Facebook. Yeah, it's difficult. It's a block bullet. If you're taking drink drugs, if you're taking all the bullshit of the day, you can't see the great things that you have around you because all you're constantly thinking of is your next fix. How can I like to get out of the house to go to the pub the extra day to stay out for three days to get money to? You just become a pure liar. You become a fraud and you become a failure and what happens is that then boils anger because you know what you're doing is wrong. How hard is it both to be in the abusive relationship with your father, the volatile relationship, to then having your son, to then want to be the best father you can be, to try and not make the same mistakes as your dad? Oh, definitely. I look at my little boy and I think, how could anybody harm a child or aim? I just put my archwells with love and pride and I just, you can do anything. He's just, I feel like a nature to him. I can teach him, I can allow him to have choices and not tell him what he's going to be doing in life. My dad said, you're going to be a boxer. I didn't want to fucking be a boxer. I wasn't going to be in the army. You know, and I thought, you know, my dad used me as a punchbag and I became a boxer and I felt it was pretty good, and when I got a bit of attention from girls, I thought I didn't need my dad's attention. I didn't need his love. You know, I was looking for self-esteem in other places and I found that the people are army and they say don't eat bad company crops got good character and I felt like I was a good kid. I felt really believed I was a good kid. I was a good kid and look at me moment, what's here, cry and think, you know, I'll never be like my dad because I know he's a hit you. And she looked at me and says, you know, you're going to be a good boy. But I became like him in other ways. You know, I was a bully, I was violent, I was a fucking mess, you know. I'll take responsibility for my actions James. I'll take responsibility. I'm accountable for the shit that I test out so what I do today is like, I was a drag to society, I was a drain on the fucking life. And I think today I feel as if give them back a little bit, it's important. I was speaking to a friend of ours, Michael Emmett. Yeah, yeah. Lovely, what a lovely man. For the chocolate now. Right, we've had some great chats and these are the people that I like around me I like to have an army. No, these fucking social media, fucking gangsters and dramas and all that. The shit that go come on, stop it. Get your fucking shit together. It's like, how old are you? What are you doing? What's your agenda? Do you need to be like so fucking shuffle with like low shelf esteem that much that you need to validate yourself with likes and comments and followers. Right, if you want to follow me, follow me, nice one. If you don't then, you know, the nice one and it's not gonna cause me any problems because you've never been in me life anyway and the people that do, I really appreciate it. It's nice to be supported in a nice positive way and I know that there's a lot of people out there that do support me and I know that there'll be comments from you know, people who don't know me and like big John said last night, we love those thralls, we care about them as well. I like that what he said, we care about those thralls. I don't know what a fucking thrall is, right? I don't know what a thrall is. I just, I think I grew up with a few people in the mean and ask you but I don't know what one is and you know, I think it's somebody commenting trying to inflame a bit of shit. I'm not asked, it's like, I'll just go, thanks for watching. Yeah, the thing with me about, I've got over 400 videos on my channel. Every single one makes me money. If people mention me, it draws traffic towards my channel. I make money, I sleep, I make money. I'm a different fucking level. I ain't got time to retali. I ain't got time to talk shit. I'm a positive man, try to make positive changes but I still will always stand my ground like but I've got too much going good for my life. Why? Because I create that. There's thousands, billions of things you can grab onto and talk shit. Billions. I want to talk about the billions of stuff that's going good in the world but where are you in? You do. People throw your past up in your fucking face. Ah mate, as if you're thinking, I'm fucking, I don't hide, I don't deny. I've seen it, I've seen it. You know what I mean, it's embarrassing. I've seen it James and it's like, like it's like, all right yeah, so he's done this and he's done that. And I'm like, it's like, look shut it's all on that past, right? If it was continuing to be doing stuff like that today, currently, presently, then yeah, fair, comment, judge me, tell me if I come to both. If I'm not, if I just squeeze, will you? Then again, I don't even need one off you. I'm all right. You know, and I know that you look, you did and I looked at the last podcast that said Billy Moore gangster. I'm not a gangster, I've never had been, by the way. I was on the receiving end, receiving end of like addiction but I know tagline cell and that's my biggest struggle at the moment to tagline. What do I put on? Of course it's hard. You know, because if you look on a YouTube video, showing that grip sheet is the tagline, you know, and then you could watch and go, what the fuck? He's not a fucking gangster. I'm not, by the way, but I could have been. I wouldn't want to bend in on me, social media gangster, but I've got no, I think it's important just to, just to build people up James, it really is. It's to build people up. We live, you know, like it's too short, we're here for a few short seconds, we're blessed. I don't think I've got any time for fucking all that shit. Nah, it's too, it's too consuming, both. She want my mate said to me right, she want my mate said to me, this is a bit of advice, she want said to me, she said, Billy, you either get busy living or you get busy dying. You've got a choice. And that's what I do when busying and I am too busy to be depressed or too busy to, I'm always active. I'm in the gym regularly, you know, I'm fucking with my brother and with my family and with my partner, with my baby, you know, I do what I need to do. I just keep busy, but I do have my struggles. I can't fucking concentrate on anything. You know, otherwise I'm trying to lie there, watch, I think I'll watch something tonight. And I'll probably watch about five different episodes of something before I make a decision on what I want to watch. I'll start something, like I'll get about 15 minutes and go on, this is shit. I'll start something else and then I'll come back to that. So I know me my concentration levels are on fire and then I'll be on my phone. Right? I'm going to make that phone tonight mate. Looking at, like, who's message or what the YouTube comments are or how many likes or how many followers. And I'll do that and I can't help myself. It's like, what's wrong with you? You know, how many subs this week and they're, I had so many, like I've lost one. I've lost one. I've lost one. I've lost one. I've lost one. I've lost one. It's gone. Don't think you're good enough anymore. This is a business. Yeah, it is. This is just a business. What a life fucking mad, aren't you? It's just a business, like I bring guests in because it creates views. The more views it creates, people talking, the more people talk, then the more things that come with it, the more doors that open, the more money that comes with it. It's just a business. Can I ask you the question? Yeah, of course you can. Right. What do you think of the Scousers? Because you've had a few experiences with Scousers, haven't you? I fucking love the Scousers, Bill. This is my second time, like I was in Runcon last night. Yeah. Couldn't it be more loved? It's only Sony Marell, please. Tony Marell, shout out to Tony. Great guy, like the Scousers are 100%. They're all majority. A fucking sound. Everybody that's came across, I've came across are amazing. They're loyal, they're solid and they're all sound. Love the Scousers, my second time, like I genuinely do that. They're fucking nuts. Love a pool in Glasgow. We are fucking nuts. These are all, every Scouser I've had on is a fucking nut. But people love the Scousers. The Glasgow Scousers are the same. It's like, there's a brotherhood there, there's a connection there. I don't know what the connection is, but there is a strong connection and a strong bond. Like, I think it's just... It's the shame with me and the kids from Glasgow. I've got a few friends, George Nelson in there. You know, he's in my story and I remember him coming down with a guy. It's a vision. Me and he's had in my house the kids from Glasgow and I wrote about it and it was quite sad because I had to wake up and see him there and spend £8,000 with the police while he was lying there. It was horrible. It was an all of that experience. This is stuff that... This is trauma. You know, finding people dead in your bed with friends that have overdosed on drugs. You know, having to see them in that state. You know, so... I'm the same. I love Glasgow. I've really been any fader in Glasgow. I mean, I've enjoyed Meri-Ail and Porcel and a few friends around the area. Yeah, a few friends around the area. But yeah, it's... I think it's... You know, it's like... Like Liverpool have got a... Like Zaron Schmidt. You know, he's been a really big help to me over the past. He's... The guy who's done a few podcasts with me is very popular. Funny man. Shes rawwyr eish. He was supposed to do it in his gym unfortunately to the bullet. You know, it's... It's a... We will do it again. We will. But a... Yeah, he's... He's helped me out a lot more than me. So your relationship with your dad, Bo, did you ever get any peace with that before he died? I did. I did, yeah. My dad, he died of cancer in 2013 and for the past... for the last 10 years of his life, you know, I spent sitting in his little flat with him but not speaking. Quite well really. Used to go to his flat once a week and just sit there and he'd sit there. He was off the aisle but he was there. He never addressed his problems. He was one of those. I'm off it and that's it. I've still got the shit going on on my address, innit? I was already in recovery then. I was addressing my... like my demons and he wasn't. And I just sit there and he... We just... I remember all the resentments he had so was him. And hated and loving. All the mixed feelings that were going on. And I was in a treatment centre and when I came home for a weekend leave from Bristol, I wanted to see me that because he had all his feelings. I hadn't seen him for a long time. And he was living in the social bar this stage. It was the middle of winter. I had my niece with me, Megan. I was holding her hand and he was snowing. And I went to this place where he was and I was nervous. You know, this is the first time that I was going to speak to me dad. You know, after all, the shit that had happened as a kid. And I looked at the door walked in and there he was with a little flat cap on. And he was really intimidating me dad. Like he was a big man when I was a kid. And he was quite scary and he'd only have to look at me and I'd shit myself. You know, I was frightened in him. I looked... I had eyes locked. It was weird, you know James. I had eyes locked for that brief moment. And I saw all the pain. All the loss. And all that sadness in his eyes. And I felt it in it. There's lump coming up in me. It was weird. It was just like E knew and I knew that we were both eating but we couldn't really speak a barri. And then he looked away and I looked away. And I went... Got to get off now dad. Take care. That was all that was said. And I walked out had my niece with me. She was five years old and the tears were well on my eyes. And you know, I blinked and he started to come in his hand and she looked at me. And she said, you're okay? And I remember it. She was quite intelligent for a five-year-old. Do you know what I mean? She went, she squeezed me under it. You're going to be okay, you know? And I was... This is from a little five-year-old girl who could see the pain and the heartache it was going through. But I also felt me dad. That moment I forgave him. I forgave him. There was forgiveness. It just came over me. It was like... I've seen all his pain. I've seen the years of trauma he's been through. And he had that empathy and that compassion that I don't understand them. And forgiveness. And he held his hand when he passed away in hospital. And it was the first time he said I love you. It was the first time he said it and he meant it. And I was like, he just took this mask off and he went and said, I love you. And we were all... We were all in. We were all shablins with the... My sister was and she was in prison. You know, this is the fucking family I've got. And we felt... I don't know if anyone else has experienced anything like this, but the moment he passed there was a chill in the room. Everyone felt it. Something was gone, something left. And I felt it. It was like, whoa, fuck it all. You know, when it was 28 minutes past seven in the morning because I looked at the clock and that was the moment he'd gone. But yeah, something, something. It was like... And all my sisters and my brothers that were there were shopping and crying and screaming. But prior to that they were all holding it together. But I had processed it. I had kind of started dealing with it on a daily basis, knowing and expecting. And they were like, wow, you feel it, wow, you feel it. But I dealt with it in my way. So when they were all like in a ball of tears and I was there to stand something all looking. I'm looking off the tears now. You know, I'm going to speak to these now. How are you feeling? Not about me. Not about how I was. It wasn't about how I felt. I've lost my head. Not about how I felt. But how's my mum? How's she feeling? How's she going to cope? What can I do for her? Look at my little brother who used to go there. I had joys to go to my dad every Friday for his fish and chips. Right? And he used to go there. And that was religiously. And that's been taken away from me. How's he going to cope? How's he going to live with that? I didn't think about me. It was like when I was diagnosed with cancer. The first thing I thought about was, am I going to explain this to my mum? How's she going to... It wasn't like, oh fuck me, me, me. You know, I'm a pure victim. Boom. How's my mum? It's strange how you can be selfless and get rid of that self-sensitiveness. And I think that's a gift. It's like humility. No one can give you humility. It's got to arrive from within. It's like Oscar Wilde's when Oscar Wilde said he knows about it. It's like, it's going to be humble. I'm humble. I'm going to be humble. I'm going to leave humble. Fuck off. It's like it's got to come from within. You've got to feel it. You've got to experience it. You've got to... You know, I like what Big John said last night about all these millionaires. He said, I'm not interested. You know, in the elite and all, I can't, that class act, first class, second class. This is where you're going. We're real people. I'm not going to stand on people to get to another place, James. I'm not going to put you down just for a pound note. I'm fucking that ass. If someone can send me a message and goes, you know what? I love what you said. I'm going to change my life. I'm looking at a new direction. I'll bring people... I've had messages, right? James English podcast on emails from guys and kids and Blackpool sent me a message. This is fucking years ago that we've done this. I've just watched that James English podcast. I can identify a lot with it. Right, Bill? I'm struggling. I said, look, send me your number. And I rang him. I said, fuck it, how do you rang me? Well, why wouldn't I made? I don't know why. It's not as if people must think that you're in the house and you're dead busy. Sometimes you're fucking screwing. You've got bugs in your hand. There's fucking nothing going on. I'll ring you. I'm not that important. So I'll ring and I said, look, if there's anything I can do, I will. And I've spoken to someone and said, look, and you reach out to these kids in Blackpool. I was like, that's where he is. I don't know anyone here, but I know people up there. That's the one, James. That's what it's about. It is. I try and reply to all messages, but the messages are going through the roof now. I'll send a voice note. I'll do the same phone, drop the message. This is why these podcasts are so special, because anybody that's listening, maybe for the first time, that you aren't alone, no matter what you're battling, no matter what you're doing, whether you're overeating, under eating, not training hard, or no visualisation, and an abusive relationship, you're battling with addiction, mental health. You ain't alone. Everybody's on their own journey, their own battlefield, their own fucking, they're in the trenches. We're all in them together. Like, we all breathe the same air. We're all fucking on the same land. Like, we're just divided so much and we're so confused and that's okay, but just sit down. If you're battling just now, just take a step back, sit down, and look at the bigger picture. Things will be okay if you believe it, don't. And all people say that it's okay, not to be okay, of course, but it's not okay to live there. You don't need to live in that fucking, with those demons, those pain, reach out for help. Phone a professional, like, phone the NHS, let there's so many good people, phone that friend, drop that message and say, look, you're struggling. People are all over it just now on social media for you. I actually just put a line out to that and say, look, I'm struggling today. Is there any help? I guarantee you have hundreds of messages with people from support, with support for you. And I think we've got luxury problems at the best of times. You know, like, might like you said, like food, that's a big one for me. You know what I mean? I train, like, an avenger, and I love going on a train. We've done it for years, but I'm getting a little bit older and the sugar sticks to my eyes a bit more under me. So, you know, I'm on these intermittent fasting diets and I've lost a stone on the nation. Sometimes I'll look at myself like, oh, you're fucking far past it. This is what goes through my head. You know, you need to breathe in, you know, get me on the good side. You know what I mean? Me, it looks like a fucking medicine ball. Like, I'm just focusing on everything. I've been the same, but I've been folding my hands. When you fold your hands, you can hold on your tits and you can see the biceps. Well, I was doing it last night at a big John Shurey. But when you go... I always do that. And everybody, you know, when you got that box, I don't know why. Why do we do that? Fucking stupid first. I always do that. I don't know what to say. I don't... But if it don't, that's all my hands in my pocket. That's just feel like I'm fucking... I don't know, it's even a pair of socks with flip flops. But, yeah. You know, we've got luxury problems. The biggest, you know, a problem I've got to tell you. And most people have his food. Right? You put down a fucking nation, you pick up that. You know, but yeah, I'm loving, I'm loving my life. And it's, you know, I'm getting old now. I'm not ready. I'm not out there looking for fucking straightners like some of these on the podcast that you see, you know, like meeting the ministries and having fucking something to stop it. No, I'm not. It's... It's a drama. We are a fucking nation of like fucking drama queens, aren't we? Yeah. You know? But that's what the sale is. The crime and drama. There is. I picked Choose True Crime as well because people are interested in the story, but I don't glorify anyone. Well, it's just an interesting story. We always touch on the victims. There's always people who still suffer from it. But it's just a platform for people to talk. No bullshit, no drama. Don't get involved. Like people watching. Just follow the people who are putting what they see in the action. This is important. Not just screaming and shouting. Just follow the leaders. Follow the people. Yeah, but you've got to see it now. Sometimes you've got to be careful as well. And I've always said this because, you know, you can shout out to someone for a bit of help and they'll do it for a bouquet of flowers. You know, they'll do it for an agenda. You know, look what I'm doing. Right, self-seeking. You know, and it's, someone always said to me, said, Billy, if you're going to do something, do it and don't tell them no one about it. Right, but we're fucking, we like to blow our own trumpet sometimes. Don't know what I mean. It's the... Constantly. It is, look what I've done. And I've learnt over the years not to do that. I start to cringe when I tell people what I've done. I'll tell people what I do with my brother because I'm raising awareness around others. And when my brother's gone, he's 43 and he doesn't look it. He's innocent, he's just the most. He's got the best smile. Right on the planet and I'll give him that. Right, but I am an handsome bastard. I said that to me last night and he said, oh, I said, what a lovely lad. I said, I'm an handsome philharan. I went, yeah, you wish. You look like you love crime, but you know what I mean? And that's the band that we can have. It's vocabulary. If you see him James, and I think I'm sure you'll have a few times, his vocab is quite limited. Right, it's like, bye, shh, I'm good. So that's it, it's on. Like, I'm trying, and what I'm trying to do is trying to allow it to expand on that. Oh, you're feeling fantastic. You're feeling amazing. You feel sad. You know, it's okay. You know, but he's the better than the bad news. You know, we sit there and go, guess who's that? I go, fucking hell lad, flow phone book. Am I with you? Because that's all you come out with. I think he's dead this time. So he's just like, it's just, I don't know, he's just fucking great. You know, I love him and I don't say it a lot me, but yeah, I do, I care for you. Yeah, he doesn't even want to do you, so he won't even hear this. What about the big scene when you got stage three bow? Yeah, as you can see there. Right. It was not Lodzkins Llancaw Llyfoma stage three. I was going out on a date with this girl. I can't even remember who she was now. It was just, I was in that way. I was in a relationship break up when I met this other girl and I tried to play the field a little bit. And I had this lump. So it was a valisi there, like that. Made me go to the doctors because I said, oh, fucking hell, this is a lump here. Because I come out of nowhere. And I was looking in the mirror shaving. It was fucking massive. They thought it was a blow cut. And he said, I'll work its way out with him in three months. I said, okay, yeah, I feel a bit of relief here. Then I booked a flight to Thailand to be on the film set of a prayer before dawn because they were filming in 2016. Got some answers there. I put a pay for everything, little bags and everything with this lump thing. You know, it'll work its way out. It's a blood clot. Get to the airport and see if you can go in. You will try and learn more and accept you. I was like, what do you mean? He says, have you ever been in trouble there? I went, no. I said, it's way light. I went and said, no. He said, have you ever had an overstay? I said, well, yeah. How long? I said, five years. It was over there. I said, look, you can't go in. You won't tell us why, but you can't go in. So it was a bit disbonded, and I went back home. But when I got home, because I was planning to go there for three months, I had a 12-week plan in Thailand. Goes on was a letter off the NHS. We needed to speak to you immediately. Get yourself down to Brograin Hospital. I went down. He wanted to take a biopsy. He took a biopsy. I went later. He said, come back. I said, the doctor, the oncologist at the time, he was dealing with it. Wasn't available. I had to go to a funeral that morning. I was in a suit, waiting for the oncologist. There's the report. And he actually told me over the phone, because he couldn't get back. He said, you know, he's sitting down. I was like, well, canal, canal. It's a sherry, it's there's not a man. He said, it's cancerous. There's anomalies in your blood. We need to get you into surgery immediately. Can you come in on Wednesday? It was on Monday. I was like, well, canal, yeah. Wow. I'll tell you about this now, right? So, go to this funeral. I'm standing and I'm morbid now. I'm sitting and he makes funals. John's dad's passed away. I'm sitting next to this kid called Wayne. I'm sitting to Wayne. I said, you know why, dad? Why don't you come to my funeral in a mancini? You know, all these things up. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, because my head was like, I was going really, I went and I said, right, I've seen, seen coffins going past me. I'm thinking that's going to be me. It's just the four process I was going through. You know, I'm going to tell my mum what's going on. I fucking accepted it pretty quickly. Here, by the way, I thought I did anyway. So, yeah. Where was I? Coffins. Yeah, we showed. Yeah, but I was. I went to this. I went, I had, look, see because of addiction, right? I've had a lot of, like, I was injecting a lot as I was a kid, you know what I mean? So my veins were all fucked. Now, I've had to, I've had to have surgery, right, on my neck. Right, and he couldn't, he couldn't find, he couldn't find a vein to a fucking put me to keep, put me to sleep. It was horrible, this right? So he had to numb me, and he was leaning on my chest and cut me right open. It was the most horrifying experience you could ever have is having surgery wide awake on your throat and feeling all the yanking and pulling and gritting me teeth and there was tears in my eyes. And I didn't, didn't say a word. I had this nurse holding my hand for over an hour. And at the end of it, she was, oh my God, you were so brave. She's looking at me later. I was like, fucking hell, yeah. I wanted to scream, right? I was like, I really wanted to scream. And yeah, because it was like, it was an emergency they needed to do. And he said, look, if we put it off, we had to do a pick line through your chest. It'll take a week, it'll take 10 come you do it. Will numb me. See the consequences of drug addiction can't have fucking drew me, me. A lot of things, really. And come back after the surgery and said, look, we need to put you on chemo, chop chemo right now. That was like, that was horrendous because it started to lose me here. I went from 16 stone to nine stone. I was on medication. Now you give me drugs, like I say, a breakout in a lazy reaction. I don't break out lumps and bumps, I break out and coughs pain, misery, loss. All that shit. This is what it is. That's what happens. I have an allergic reaction to drugs. So they give me medication, shelf-medicate. Take two every four hours. All right, yeah. Every four hours became every two hours. And then I'll take four and then six and then I'll take a packet of seven. This is the way I was miminising and justifying and explaining it to myself and manipulating myself. You know, and I knew I was on that road to fucking Jesus Christ there. And then it was like thousands of pounds, by the way, because they give me a pay off for this film. I mean, I'll give you loads of cash, yeah. Big bag of it, by the way. You've got cancer, you've got a fucking drug problem. Here's some money, so what's it at? You live on your own, you get all friends left, yeah. You know, you're in loads of fucking feelings, you know, will you? The fuck it's came in. Every fiber in my body was screaming, going used. You're gonna die anyway. Spence, every penny I asked. Right to James, every fucking penny. I think it both are all ex, because me mate said they don't lose the money and all that, they don't lose the value. It's a shame on me, isn't it? So yeah, I spent everything on drugs. Lost my job, lost my house, lost my car. The girlfriend that was with kinda left me. Well, to see cancer, you fucking did. You know what I mean, she left me. I'm standing right, I'm standing on the red carpet in Cannes Film Festival, right, by the way. In a truck she's out, that had been bought for me by this film company, fucking big Hugo Bosch one. It was, you know, thousands of people clapping and cheering me on. It's, you know, I was mashing it with drugs. I'm standing on that red carpet on a Saturday night, right, in Cannes Film Festival. Two and a half thousand people in the cinema. On a Monday morning, I'm trying to scrape a tenant together in the same truck she's out, in a crack down in brick road in Liverpool. That's how, that's where it took me. See, bang from that. You know, you've got the likes of fucking Clint Eastwood. He was doing all the sharing me, yeah. People were like, oh, fucking great movie. I was like, fucking great movie. It's traumatic. I watched that. People say, oh, you're in prison. I wasn't, I was in fucking Cannes. I watched it in Cannes. It was, it was there. But I was using as well, and I was adding it. Obviously, I thought everyone fucking didn't know. I was blaming her on the cancer as well. I was on the CBD oil, I started growing fucking Cannes. Cannabis farms in my house. This is fucking the story. I mean, on YouTube didn't sell anyone. I couldn't afford the CBD oil, you know, the proper THC stuff. So I set up Cannabis farms in my house on my own. I went on YouTube, bought all the Cannet A and B and the combine stuff and the tents, the gorilla tents, the lot, ba, ba, ba. I started growing this alien OG, the coast of the cheese. I'm doing it really well, fucking hell. It was a connoisseur, it was good. I mean, a really great plant going on. I ended up smoking it. Didn't make any oil. Just chandelon on it. Smoked about 25 ounces of fucking green. But yeah, and you know, I ended up back in prison. You know, and that was, and that's what happens when I pick up drugs. When I picked up drugs today, James wouldn't have a wallet and his watch would be gone. This is what goes, I'll be tying you up. This is the things that go through my mind. I'm fucking terrible. You know, I become someone else. I become a monster. There's a question. No, do you ever think you were a monster? Yes, I was. I was horrible. And I don't know who that person is. I've really done James. It just comes from nowhere. I'm really grateful, like someone said to me, look, Bill, I'm not the man I could be. I'm not the man I should be. I'm not the man I want to be, but I thank God I'm not the man I used to be. Now, that's what I feel. I'm grateful that I'm not the man I used to be because I wouldn't be there for my shadow. I wouldn't be there for me, brother. You know, I wouldn't be there. If I were out again, I'd be game over. You know, I'm 48. You know, I am. It's about taking responsibilities, which is a hard part because it's easy to escape. Now, if you're drinking, taking drugs, the 100% fax is you are a loser. You are a loser. You can't handle real life. You can't handle society. You're hiding. You're masking. And it is difficult because we don't see it. I took all those drugs that I spoke to you when you were cleaning. You were telling me to stop. I'd have told you to fuck off because I thought I knew everything. But when you start becoming clean, when you actually go to a GA meeting or an AA or an NA and see that you're not alone, it's so scary to give through those doors and go into a meeting. When I went through the first GA meeting, but I was like, I was thinking, look at the fucking state of all these people. Look at the state of them. Because I was a good-looking bastard, so I was for my looks that I didn't have addictions because I could still wing it. You know what I mean? But then I used to look at them and go, look at the state of them. And then they started telling me, I used to steal from your mum or your family, your shoplifting, a selling drugs to fix the addictions. You're thinking, I'm just like these people. These are my brothers and sisters. I was just all the same. You could get away with your looks. That's the same. Because you had a few bears like that by ours. You know, you were quite good-looking. And you think, you know what? You know, the more you use and the lifestyle that you're living in, the more they're going to fade, and you're no longer going to get by on that. So you look at your stock to where you're at. You're not some bastard. My mate said to me last night, he said, fucking hell, he said, why does James look like Matt and Sheen? Tony Quigley, you know? How come he looks like Matt and Sheen? I laughed. And it's great to hear the comments that you say, oh, look at her, see the look at her. Why do you ask? Come on. Why do you think it's such a bad rep though? Is your teeth not supposed to be fucking white? Like, like, he's a natural. Like, I've got the Conversant Bonding. No, it's just the first two. Are they black or are they techie? No, they're real. It's only the first, a Conversant Bonding, the first two. Just to pull it all out. But even if it was, you think, fuck me. Like, people's teeth really get a bad rep. There's like being darned to, obviously the two teeth are fucking popping. We've done a podcast and it's just, like, people get so annoyed at other people and you're thinking, I'll still look at people when I think, fuck me. They look as if I've got a good life. Now, we part of Envy and this. Envy and jelly, she kicks in, you think. And then I'm thinking, stop being that old way of thinking. James, stop being a prick. Just do you. People are always going to judge people. People are always going to make assumptions. Everybody's got a platform where they can talk. And that's on, is OK. But what kind of message are you producing? Yeah. And it's difficult. So when you started, when you beat cancer, was that when your life started to change for the better, Bill? Well, it's, it's she, I like her shadow. Spence everything I had. And I was, I was in a young college just, it was February the 8th, 2017, right, on the aim. The young college just sat there and I thought this is it. I'm ready for my image. I spent everything by this time. My car was on its way out. And my house was gone. You know, I was getting on. I was just a shell of a man. And I was thinking, I rubbed my hands going, well, all right, Bill, you know, you're going to go. You know, you've had all the key moves done now. This is the answer they've got for you. You know, it's over. So I was just accept it. And he, he had a good time. He was convincing himself. And he was going to say, I'm glad to say, Mr Moore. You know, you're going to be well. You're going to be fine. You've played it. You've played it. You know, you're going to say, you're going to say, Mr Moore. I've been here all my life. I've been here all my life. I've been here all my life. I've been here all my life. I've been here all my life. I've been here all my life. I've been here all my life. But anyway, I ended up in prison tonight because he had the consequences that I ended up in prison. But I went to prison clean in recovery. I was five months clean by the stage. Difficult. The most hardest thing of ever experience. So I was standing in a crown court in recovery. Free from addiction. Expecting a prison sentence. And then getting it. And then going in to a prison. Right? I think I'm fucking... I've been here every time. I've been under the influence. I've been a lunatic. I've been on a block. I've been fighting as soon as I got in. I'm frightened here. Right? I'm frightened because it's a different world now. It is a different world. And I've gone in. And I've gone in like thinking... I've got a bit of charge on me by this time. I was like 16 stone eight. And I'm thinking, what the fuck am I going to copie? All the drug and juice paranoia that you're walking past. And if anyone looks at me, and I'm looking at them, the first thing that gets said is like, you're fucking looking at her. So there's a reaction slides away and then you're on the floor rolling or someone's getting cut up. So I kept looking at the fucking floor. It was hard. But I learned pretty quick. People were okay. You know, I got a good job mentor and other inmates. So all the newcomers that came in to walk in prison in Liverpool had to sit there and share a little bit of my experience and tell them about the zoos in the downtown. And a few of them are really grateful for that because they've been in touch with me since. And it was the first time that I went through the process of like going from a T-special into a Cat T and then into a Cat T which was Four and Cross with Big John Mudge and getting released from an open prison. That was... And having the opportunity to sit there and write a journal about the visibility of what was going on. This is like actual factual information. There's a few you've mentioned that Miss Tate is one of the disclosers in there. She's lovely. She's in the story and she can validate everything that was in it about what it's seeing and what it's witnessing. I was trying to help other inmates in recovery. You were struggling because what they do in prison now was they put them on methadone. Now they stuck on methadone and then they get out on methadone. Now they're not breaking a cycle. So they're back into the back of addiction. Now the nice guidelines in the UK say, well we don't want to reduce them from methadone or take them off it because if they get out and then they use a substance and then they overdose then we feel responsible. You know because we're keeping away maintaining them and fuck off. You're not giving someone a fighting chance. You're controlling people. You know drugs are coming in on a spice and all that's coming in now and people are using that and dying. You know humiliating themselves, selling themselves. You know how fucking people trying to sell me roasties and fucking chicken wings for a fucking, for a bit of dish. It's what selling your soul, your way of saying everything. And families getting a death suicide rates massive. People living in these glass shells. Well glass, I mean pure perspection. Runes with it you just done under 24 hour ops cutting themselves up. No one could smoke anywhere. You know taking away people's cigarettes as well. The stress levels are high. It's just it's all wrote a lot about it and you know I was up against brick walls. You know I was actually my shell got raised a few times. I was I had the category D status taken off me while I was in a cat C prison which means I couldn't go to the cat C because I was under a security and suspicion that I was dealing drugs. I had nothing to do with this. They said I was taking people into a room and cultivating gang culture. Now it wasn't, it was like it was a room full of fucking lunatics trying to get the shit together. The shit in there going oh fuck it up. Fath o'n ofer ish out there you know. I can't live like that. And I had the opportunity to speak to people and help them out. But then fucking glasses and little fucking shit bags before I'm not in the box saying they're cultivating gang culture. You know so I was getting Michelle was getting shaped late at night. Two in the morning bang at the door to go in. More. Cameraday Cameraday trots in your face. Fucking shit taking to another room. I'm getting shit up. This is the first time right James? And I swear on my marj life here and I don't say this slightly like I was doing the right thing. Right I was doing all the things that you should be doing positive. And I was up against this so forth. You know you do the right thing and you can't fucking win. Yeah but when you do the right thing right at the start the devil always chaps the door though because of the misery and pain you've caused it's just a little bit. Yeah so a bit of cameraday. Yeah. Yeah so no one's going to believe your ad you come on this stuff you're a fucking formal. Well you know. But yeah so I manage not to react. I manage not to react. I go through that sentence. I fucking hate it every day of it. You know first it was you know you go in there it's what I believe then it becomes one cool bill. And then you go back in it's pops. It's like you're not getting any younger. Now for anyone who's got a who's tingill of a career in crime it's be prepared for like a lot a lot you know and a lot of isolation and mental fucking unstable well-being. What happened here? You're both. That got bit off by some kid years ago over Easter eggs. I'm a prison out of prison. No I'm out of prison. I was 16 years old. I can't even remember what kind of Easter eggs do I? I was a kid. You must have been fucking gold Easter eggs man. I remember it well and I was tripping as well on an MBS. And I remember the kid he was soloed with me he was the cockaday of school and you know everyone was scared of him and I fronted it and I would fuck that and I was like I'll have a straight in it with you. And he had me in a grip there and I pulled the line and it come off. He ran off. I had to stitch back on it. It looked like a fucking quaver after six weeks it was fucked. But that affected me self-esteem if I felt so interactive. I haven't got the best looks anyway. I must show some of my shows into them as I've gone older. But I felt so clear on women and you know it was very rare back then. Just because you had the better top of your ears off. Yeah. I felt it too. Yeah but I had to plaster on it for two years. Hadn't it? No cos it was just it was just so insecure within myself. And I thought you know just it just did it. So that had an impact on me. Then I got slashed in prison. Then I've ended up coming off a motorbike in Thailand where the chassis landed on me chest. Written me in chestings where I was open. I've had three surgical operations on me stomach. Wow so I was in prison. I've been stabbed by someone. Someone's brother that we know. I've been fucking shot at. I thought fucking hell. You know what else? You know it's just it's just I've been battered. I mean fucking hell I've had me punched in a few times. I've got scars everywhere. It's just like what I'm saying is it's not a glamourous way of living. It's not something I'd glorify. It was you know I'm lucky to have survived all that. And I do wish people all the best. And I wish people would come to like common ground. And I just like just understand look this is it is one. Like people just wanted him kind of like. If people are looking asking you to retweet stuff or people are saying look. Can you share that or I've got a platform. Just help them. If you can you know what I mean. If you don't want it then just don't try and embarrass them. You know and humiliate them because you feel like you're elevated on these high platforms. I don't I don't agree with all that stuff you know James. I think we should all come together and not stand on each other. Just like okay look let's cross this bridge together. Now I've always shared this and I remember a story which was quite significant in my recovery. It was the early days and it was James. It was about this addict right and he's walking. He's lost. He can't get away from addiction. And he's trapped in this hole that he can't get out of. And he's just walking around in circles just screaming for help. And it's off the walks bike. Might tell us a prescription throws it down to him you know. He's asking for help and this is where he gets a prescription. It's off the walks off. A psychiatrist walks by stands there speaks to him for an hour. Now this addict is screaming for help and he just gets a little chat for him. Has a little chat and then gets off. And then another addict walks by and he's this guy in the old shouting right. And he looks down and says I'm gonna be down with you now. Jumping the old with him. He went what the fuck have you done now? He said we're both stuck. We're both trapped. He said no follow me and no way out. And this is what it is. It's about the predecessors. People who have been here before can show you the way out. Look all the talk and all the fucking this and that. Look I've been here come on. Come with me. I've been on that journey. And that not the love that we can offer people. And then a bit of kindness. It doesn't go it doesn't go along with me mate. And I can sit here and I can sit here James. I feel jealous of this and I feel it. I do them feelings come. I go fucking him. Who does he think he is? And you know I can't escape that. And I give myself enough time you know. Like me mate Aaron right. I wanted to do this podcast in his gym. And I feel guilty about it because we couldn't do it. Because it was it was just the logistics were difficult. You know and I felt fucking hell. Because I overthink. You know I'm a bit of an overthinker I think. How are you going to think about that? That's it. You know and it's not. It's it's it's we are you know. There's a consequence of being clean for me. And it's it's fucking air in my mind. It's it's me yet. You know it's it's not as you know. But we all think like that. But we all get sensitive as well. And that's just life. Like because of the background we come from. A bit of abandonment issues. The battle with addictions. It must fuck with your brain. Do you know what I mean? The trauma. Everything that you go through it does affect you. Do you know what I mean? Like I'm the same. What was the first like what was the first experience taking smack bro? The first experience it was vomiting. It was it was vomiting. And I took it because I met this girl. I was 16 years old. 17. Not even 17. Not even such in 17. And then and I remember saying to me you know. Do you want to go with this? I went to the spliff. I was like I was just hanging around with anyone. You know and she went to me. I said I want a spliff and she went. Just make sure you know me this. Oh yeah it was it. You know and I'm fucking thinking with downstairs. And I went and I had a couple of lines with her. And I just had this immediate like one feeling. It was tingling. And I was just vomiting. But then I went back for more. You know and I got addicted pretty quick. I was yeah so I was 16 when I was using Erwin. And then it was back then. It was it was everywhere in Erwin was Erwin. You know you couldn't fucking piss for a week. You know it was not like it is today. It's just fucking. It's the end of this fucking jam and babypanda came in. Then fucking Manitol you know where they just started chopping her open. It was you. Yeah it just started to go shit. But yeah it was my first experience. It was it was it was your nose here and you know. Yeah. Have you had it before? Never smart no. Oh it's alright you know you want to get on it. I'll get about drop topgers now. You'll lose those teeth if you do. No yeah it was jam. I think it was the drug of the day. I suppose if it was today it'd probably be on the spot. If it lived in a village it'd probably be the village drunk. This is it's it builds in me you know to change the way. I do believe that. I was conditioned and the contributing factors started when I was a child. ond mae'n bwysig o'r gael. Mae'r byw'r amser yn fwy i ychwanegol eich cyfrifio'r gael! Mae'n ganddo i'r bwymddiadau. Mae'n dweud, mae'n dweud i'r chymdech chi. Yn ymlaen, mae wedi'i gyrfa yn ei dweud, mae'n adnod ychydig o'r gweithio ymlaen. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio. Mae'n gweithio ychydig, mae'n gweithio a'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio ychydig o'r gweithio. y G meetings, I think, look at this, don't you think? It was because I didn't want to look at myself, bow, I didn't want to look at me as if I had all these problems. And then when you start peeling that onion back. So what was your life then, so, you know, the charlie? Cos I know what it's like on the crack and all the mean. Every weekend. I mean, I started on the charlie then it was straight a fucking crack, so, yeah. But it's just a simle. I was too proud because that's all I wanted to do. Was you all manageable? Was you all manageable as I wanted to make money and shag birds, if I knew I went down the crack route or the smack route, that would have all disappeared. I still hung on to my looks because I was a posing bastard. I used to wear these suits because I could go for a sunbed and I get a great tan. I had the yellowness, the pale-ness because I still had a bit of sharpness about me. But when the charlie comes and it make your tongue ousies at the weekend, it's not just a couple of gramm here and there, it's fucking. It's party mode three, four days. But then the valium started creeping in. Two valium to get asleep. Then it was five and six. Then it was a joints. Then it was a fucking gambling mixed in. It was just a cocktail, a fucking misery. But I always thought, I always looked down at other people because I thought, look at yourself, look at the state of your cancer. I'm still better looking than them. That's what I judged my addiction on. As long as I was still better looking than them, as long as I looked sharp, but when the curtains are closed, well, it's within here that is the pain and misery. Your mum must be proud, Bill. My mum is, yeah, she's proud, you know. I was, yeah, she is, she is, and I love my mum. I really, really do it to him. She's my rock, and she has been for years, and she doesn't really know that, and I don't really tell her. But I remember, like, when I was in that cell, and I was desperate, and I was in armly leads on an eight-man unlock. I was on a come down from a prison brief, and I felt really, like, important because there was loads of screws opening me up and shutting the door. But when that cell door got shut, I'd feel really lonely, and the kid next door to me killed himself, and the kid on the left and the right, they both dropped themselves. They had this pact that I wasn't aware of. 15 minutes before, that's me, did they have a light? I never had, I did have one, but I couldn't get a tomb, couldn't get the cleaner tomb. And there was loads of, I haven't had a light, there was loads of commotion. Cell doors were getting opened up. Man, my flap was opening constantly. I found out these two had killed themselves. The screws were being overly nice. It's one of my ass bad, they did your cup of tea, okay? Well, can't handle it, you know, it was a shock. And I remember, like, phoning me mum, they gave me a phone call, and I had to spoke to my mum for a while, for a long time. I didn't think she cared. And it was all he had left, and these two big screws were standing, they matched me to the phone, and, like, they're small compared to these two. Imagine, big mask on, another mask, the ad case. Felly my mum, and when she answered, all right mum, how are you? And she was, like, overjoyed to hear me voicing, where are you, what's going on? And I never expected that. I expected, like, what the fuck did it? I don't believe in you. Cos I can, I'm used to that. You know, there's a thin line between anger and vulnerability for me. I can deal with the anger, easy. But when she was, like, she was just, like, I had a different response from her, really. I knew she started to come up, really. I knew she wanted to change. I knew there's, like, this is the change in me. Cos I started having these feelings a lot. And she's again in my eyes, couldn't blink, because if I did, they'd be coming down my face. And I thought I was having my diesel, judge me these two fucking cunts, blah, blah, blah. And I couldn't say it on. I never, I couldn't utter a sentence back to her. She just knew. What does it do? She went, Sean, you need help. She was last for it. That's all I could most of it. And I put the phones on. She went, she just said, I know you're eating. I know you, she's just new. Went, bah, mass, bah, it was the most. That was, like, the green mile going back that cell, because I couldn't. Cos I was there, I couldn't see, it was blurry. There's all shots, boom, sobbing. I sat on that bed and I thought, I need to change, I need to change. And what was going through my mind was, ask for help, ask for help. Now I'd never asked for help. Right, I was too proud. My way of asking for help was climbing on roofs, causing destruction and mayhem and fighting, and all in a negative way. So I decided to put pen to paper and write. And the only person I could write to was the probation officer, because they did not want anyone else to ask. They were willing to help, they were overly keen, come out to see me, we can help you get you into every app. So I thanked my mother, because she started me on that journey of, that process of healing. And it took a long time, I had, like, my journey hasn't been straight, it's been, with the zigzag, I've relapsed, I've had to become aware, I've had to have a rigorous application to meet recovery again. So I've had the options, I haven't. But every time it's strengthened, you know, it's become stronger and stronger. And as you put that on to me, Mum, saying, you know, just ask for help. And I believe that if you do ask for help, and you're genuine, you shouldn't say it with it, there's people out there that will support you. But there's also people who, if I ask them, they want you to help them, right? I won't meet you halfway, and the motive's a different show. And because I know that, because that's me, you're fucking honest. And you know what, like, I'll take advantage of anything, I'll take advantage of your good needs, you know, I can turn a waterway or something like that, I'm going to, you know, you know, me ma, just to say to me, you could blag the niggas off of none, you know, usually they've been an actor, you know, and I used to fall, I used to think, I was Mr Ben, I could, you know, I could put anything, you know, like a chameleon, I could adapt to any situation. And it was pretty good growing up at the, I adapted, you know, you could put me in prison, bam, I'm going to adapt, I'm going to adapt, I'm going to adapt, it's hard, it's hard, it is. You know, and I'm not going to say, oh, it's the hardest thing on the planet. There's some times, and I've written about this, there's some times where I've compared Thai jails, and there's a lot of reflection of Thai prisons and English prisons, there's a lot of times before, I'd rather be in a Thai jail than I would in an English prison, in some experiences, you know, because at least in a Thai prison, you open up at seven, and you bang it up at seven, you're out on the compound, right? There's a massive compound about it. In the UK, you can be banged up at seven and not get out at all. You know what I mean? It's only for an hour, or even not even an hour's exercise. You don't even get exercise, now you just get like a fucking hour's social on the land, which is a shower and a phone call. You've got phones in the past now. I even smuggled the phone into that prison. And most people who have phones in prisons, phone, you'd have them for different motives, I just wanted to phone my sponsor. He was like my mentor, so to speak. So he carried me in my recovery. And I remember sitting in the big boss chair, cos I didn't notice, he dampened me to jail for over 10 years. More, sit in that chair, mate. I had this little fucking phone up my ass. My dad is fucking shitting myself on that thing and I'm like, oh, what have I done here? Cos I'm here and you get three months extra in the prison, I don't want any more extra. And I sat in that chair and peep! I was like, oh fuck, it jumped out like so on a bit me. Ni allsgrifent, you're having time, yeah. I went, I went, what happened, what? I went, sit back down in there. I was like, I'm shitting down now. I said, please, please, please, please, don't go off. It never went off. Don't know why. I don't know why people can ask me or not, but it never went off the second time. And I'm in a shell. Do you think that was a test from them? That was a maybe a retest from them, to maybe admit it. It could possibly write. But what's happening? I went to the cell, I've got this phone, I've got no charger. Most of us have got it as a SIM card that I had to put in that morning and didn't even know the number. Right, so the phone was dead. And then, what the fucking useless this? And then this kid came, his name was Carl Crank. That was his name, this is the crankscone on your pad. And he was an electrician. He was in for something, first time, a nice kid. And he says it all up, and she has the phone and everything, with the number. Yeah, so, yeah, it was happening to us. Go forward for the future, Bill. You've released two books, created a film, you've got a beautiful son, beautiful Mrs Michelle, your brother's amazing Joe, you're doing well, you're flying high, your podcast is picking up, you're doing well, you've spoke to some great people. Where do you go now, brother? It's your turn of time. And he says, I always shy at the end of my podcast, and he pales o wisdom, because I'll pull something from someone, and I think you either get busy living or you get busy dying, you know, and that's something I'd say, you know, you've got one life, living. I'm trying, I'm just, I don't know, just enjoy what you've got, you know. To me going forward, now I'm involved in something called Weapons Down, Gloves Up with Sonny Bell, he's involved, he's on board, and it's about intervention in schools and boxing, academies, and helping kids who have been troubled. So that's just where it is going forward, trying to help the youth in our communities be aware of knife crime, gun crime, gun culture, image orientation, grooming, county lines. It's something, lived X, it's something that I know about, and if I can help someone, I've meant a lot of addiction, prison for canal, you're the best person to ask. You know, I've been on the receiver end, and I'm hoping to, and I know you get, all these reform fucking criminals you've got to have on James, bloody hell mate, you know what I mean, you think they changed and you want to fucking, look, I have, I have, and I've been doing it in the past four years, right? So yeah, fucking saying that, records off of you when I start jumping on that bandwag and getting the cue with your fucking comments, because it, people do change. Of course. People do change, right? There is people out there that do agree, you know, I'm not going to disagree, to get a platform because they can't fucking graph no more, right? With all on their ass, and there's no, you know, and they're still, they've got no integrity and the values and the models are all over the graph. The compass is all skew if. Yeah, yeah, there is. Not this fucking kid, you know what I mean? I'm representing Liverpool in the podcast area, I'm enjoying it. Thanks for all your support. Thanks for having me on. If you buy the book, shout out if you don't shout. Keep it simple. We're promoting a bit, what working people get. That's big bow. You can get it in Waterstones and you can also get it on Amazon. It's in audio and it's read by a great friend of mine who's an actor called Stephen Walters. He was a Brookside, Fifty First, Eighth, great kid. I was glad that we had him narrating the book because he's a scouser. I've had the book narrated before by a kid from London with a scouser accent and it didn't manage. You can get it on Amazon and all those platforms and pretty sure of it. It's released on air back at the moment. I think it comes out in paperback. I don't know whether it's next year or the end of this year, but yeah, it's available. Last question, brother, just for anybody that's battling mental health just now. What advice would you give for them? Pick up the phone, speak to someone, email someone if you can't, you know you haven't got the courage. It's important not to be on your own in the sherry. I'll say this James, because when I was suffering and I was struggling, I had so many people at the forum, what did they do? I had a sherry of friends that passed me on to someone else because I'd been an adult. That's what happened. The more you talk about it, the more it becomes a solution and not a problem. Because if you keep it in, you know, some people are going, fucking sick of the sardia bill, you know what I mean? But I'm getting sick of the fucking sardia in the end. It's the point where I think, fuck it, it's not even that bad. So yeah, I'd say yeah, just reach out, pick up the phone, speak to someone. The usual, you know, I haven't got no pale zoos dim in that area. I just know that, like if I was struggling, I'd speak to someone. I was at James, my ex-kettles here lad, and you'd probably go, yeah, shows man, speak to someone else. And I've had some sards of rank, some man, and they have an answer. But you know what I'll do, I'll bring someone else. Because if you don't bring it again, because what we can do is you go, he's not answering, he fucking knows it's amazing. That's where the mental health takes it. He's not answering it because he knows I'm fucking out of it. And then I used to have calls of it in his feeling and then believe in it. And then I wouldn't bring someone else up because I feel, and then I've done a few sards and he hasn't answered it. That's it. It's a fucking conspiracy now. Fucking you all. They're all shit now. They're all there now. No, but it says, I have faith in someone that I'll believe in you. And someone will, you know. That's it mate. I can go on forever. Bow, listen. Love you bro. You're doing amazing. I'm proud of you. Keep going and look forward to seeing what you do for the future. That's free next year. Sad. Love you bro. Share and comment your thoughts on this week's podcast. Thank you.