 It's just this creature that follows you everywhere Makes you feel a bit like you're less alone, but just saps your energy saps your motivation And then once you're down in the guts it'll it'll kick you until you do something stupid Hello everybody from Asperger's Grove. Can I just say you're looking very handsome today, and if you're a girl You're looking very beautiful, and if you're in the middle, you're looking very menutiful So I'm a bit dozy today because basically what happened is I Came back from Thailand, and I was trying to get my prescription, and it's taking a long time Mom won't manage to get it back in my hometown, and then don't know about this earphone And it's literally it's literally not connected at all. And so basically I was supposed to get these tablets and Couldn't get them while I was back home because I had to go to uni and then Obviously I had to be posted to me and every time I went and I didn't check the time to the post office So the first time I went I was late second time. I missed it I managed to get in today, and so I took my tablet this afternoon, which is probably in hindsight Not a good idea because it kind of makes me a bit dopey and sedated. So this video today is gonna be about depression so there are a lot of Misconceptions about what it is like to be depressed. It's not as simple as you have it, and it's bad and you want to get rid of it and it's You know you do everything you can to avoid it There are some pitfalls in actually having depression, especially when you have it at such a young age like myself And I know quite a few other people who have relapses in depression and for many different reasons and sometimes Just by themselves. They just decide to Propagate it and put themselves back in that kind of situation. So many of you might be confused about the title I'm in love with my depression Obviously, I'm not in love with it. I think it's a horrible thing and it's not great But there are many reasons why Someone may be Have attracted to getting them getting back into that mindset. So I'm gonna give you a little bit of an analogy and People most people when they think of depression they think If you're going to put it in terms of a person you'd think a really really rough person who does a lot of drugs and Abuses their family abuses their partners Doesn't doesn't work, you know That kind of stuff if you were to personify what people would think depression is like they would think it is some kind of demon that really anybody can spot and that It's just completely the wrong wrong idea and The fact that this depression demon exists is a myth. In fact, it's more like If you were to give it a personality a person it would be more like Someone that you know some someone that you love a lot that Gives you comfort affirms your beliefs about things But ultimately drives you down a lot of bad pathways and generally makes you feel more negative and worse about life so in that way It's it's it's more of like a comforting thing when you've had it for so long it you could sort of Mix it in with your personality You're not really sure what is your depression and what is your personality anymore? Especially when you've had it for a long time. I keep saying that. I'm sorry a lot of people will feel fake When that when they go of their depressive episode or they're feeling a little bit better So they'll feel like something's off something's wrong. They don't feel like themselves And that's something that it can happen a lot. You can you can feel like a lot of the things that you do you just trying to avoid Expressing how you really feel inside and that can be very painful especially Especially when you're trying to you know overcome it it can be very difficult to Get yourself to get into that mindset and change your way of thinking change your personality Get rid of those depressive symptoms that you have it can be very very hard experience to go through See a depression. It's not great, but I just I wanted to make this video to to highlight that it's not how You think it is if you'd if you never had it before it's not it's not so obvious to us it's if you imagine like an Ex that's abused abused you in the past trying to get back into your life Telling that they love you, you know affirming your sad thoughts and kind of propagating them and making you think about it a bit more telling you that There's negative thoughts that you have in your head are the right thoughts and making you feel good about having the right thoughts and We're really just leading you down the wrong path if you want to actually recover So there are a lot of benefits that I that I found for myself that I find hard to let go of Having been in a depressed mood makes me a lot more thoughtful I think about more ideas. I make more ideas for videos. I'll be able to speak more from the heart. I feel like I More I'm a more emotionally full person when I'm when I'm depressed I feel like it does good for me in terms of interactions with other people That's what I feel obviously, it's not The case because obviously being positive and Influencing people being happy and having be having fun is the best way to you know be around your friends but you feel a bit fake sometimes trying to do that, especially when you're going through an episode and All you really want to do is connect with people and express what you actually feel inside So you can feel closer to people that can be a double-edged sword in a lot of cases when you think about it long-term So I get more productive in writing when I'm depressed more thoughtful I think about more of the stuff that is important to me like my philosophy. I do a lot of work on philosophy and It's it's sort of a a melancholic state melancholic being down and just a bit anodonic which is Not feeling any way of a way and I feel like my The times when I'm depressed It feels more like me and feels more like the clothes that I own It's kind of the attitude that I want to put out because I want people to know that I've gone through all this this horrible stuff and unless I in my head unless and Acting depressed and I'm being a bit Quiet and stuff. It doesn't really It's the main feel good. I want people to to know what's going on inside my head so that You know I can feel close to people I'm sorry. I am repeating myself quite a lot. As I said, I am a bit dosy today I didn't get that that much of a great sleep last night. I've got my tablets today Most of trying this new CBD oil. It's working pretty well for my anxiety so far. I'll do a video on that at some point so yeah writing it increased my Emotional understanding of people I feel a lot more like I help people when I'm depressed I feel like when I'm in a good mood. I'm a bit too confident cocky and I've got quite a big ego. So when I've got some confidence behind me and I feel happy and I don't tend to think about people as much as Think about people's feelings and what I'm doing as much Which I don't like because I like to when I like people to know that I do care And I don't tend to express that a lot unless I'm depressed, which is which is a sad thing I think also when I'm depressed It's absolutely my energy and my motivation to do stuff the best way to describe Describe the relationship I have with it is just Sort of dependence on being in that state in my early childhood experience I think I started developing depression around 13 or 14. It got steadily worse And it sort of peaked when I was about 15 16 17 for a long time and that depression was Something that I felt like I needed to overcome So I was a lot more although my motivation was taxed by the depression I felt like I felt more like I've achieved something something something good every time I went to a sports session Every time I finished paper. I felt I felt like I was battling something. I Was battling something really really strong and really powerful and when I'm in a good mood I don't feel like I'm You know doing that. Well, I feel like I can do more. I Should do more. So now when I'm all positive and confident I can get my work done, but I don't feel that much of an urge to try and battle What's inside me in order to make myself feel like I'm in control. So I usually don't do as much which is Really strange. Obviously when I'm really depressed and I'm really anxious Nothing's gonna happen. That's just a complete bad state, but I'm talking about my you know Moderate depression, which is like medium kind of level. That's the time where I Feel a bit more motivated to do stuff I just want to highlight that although I am talking about some of the Benefits of it and they're not benefits the benefits the depression It's completely bizarre. It's it's not a case of that's the reality I probably do a lot better when I'm not depressed I probably a lot more focused and I probably better at writing as well. Yeah, but it makes me feel like I feel like I am and it gives me more of a With my writing it puts me in that state where I'll be more likely to try and express my emotions through words and art music and that's one of the things to see Because especially when you're in a good mood, you just want to relax and you want to enjoy time with friends and stuff and it's Yeah, one of the things that's really dependent on my mood is how many people the people that I have around me My mood is really low at the start of the day as soon as I start talking to people after about an hour or two And it really boosts my mood and it really makes me feel, you know, not lonely and I feel confident. I feel happy Obviously, I can't always do that and it can be quite I've got social anxiety. So it's It'd be quite hard sometimes to to get myself to talk and stuff I can I can definitely easily go in and have a brief chat with somebody but Using all my skills that I've learned with that. I had to learn from my autism my body language facial expressions tone of voice You know, just just smiling all that kind of stuff. It can be quite taxing and I'm a lot better now It's it's not that bad. I can definitely do it every day, but It's just one of the little little things that you can That I deliberate about a little bit in my head. Another thing is that obviously with my my massive ego I that I have I'm not gonna lie. I do have a big one. I have a big ego and I'm trying to tame it But when I'm when I'm depressed, I feel like I'm working harder than people and I'm doing better because of my illness and It's kind of it's amplifying the the strain that I have to do normal things and In that way, I feel like I'm better than people which is complete rubbish I May be putting in more effort Because of that is but it's still it's still not a great mentality to have about it and it is something that I have to try and you know me myself Understand and make myself understand that although I may feel like that is it's not actually the reality another way of thinking about it is if If you think about like the matrix or something being depressed puts you in some sort of different for me, I experience moods and I experience my moods as like different sort of realities like my I feel like I'm in a different Dimension when I'm depressed and when I'm when I'm happy. I'm in a different dimension in the real in the real world and and sometimes I can feel like the dimension that I'm in is the depressed state that's the the the true state the true state of me is living in life is in that weird and depression world that weird depression reality and it's sometimes When I think about it when I'm happy it can put me in a bad mood because I want to get back to that real Experience real world kind of situation. I really hope I'm making sense to you guys. I'm I'm trying my best to wear this as much as I can I'm filming on my my iPad right now So I don't have a script up or anything So all of this is coming free flow and I'm gonna have to cut it a little bit or it's gonna be a bit and choppy and all over the place Probably probably still gonna be like that So in conclusion, I just the whole video was to highlight that, you know depression isn't all it seems It can be quite alluring to people who have experienced it for quite a while it can feel more comfortable more right and Like settling settling into the arms of someone who's abusive to you just because you know that you love them and stuff It's sort of that Situation and mindset that can keep a lot of people in this state and once once you realize that This is the kind of thing that we're dealing with not dealing with some demon that's outright and right in front of you and It's just this creature that follows you everywhere Makes you feel a bit like you're less alone But just saps your energy saps your motivation and then once you're down in the guts It'll it'll kick you until you do something stupid. So it's been a bit of a deep video today I hope you managed to follow it. I'm not saying because of your mental Capabilities, I'm talking about my mental capabilities because I can't seem to talk coherently today Anyway, I hope you got the message So if you liked the video make sure to give it a like and I think I might be I think I might remove these These bits at the end. It's a bit annoying isn't it? You obviously know what to do You've been on YouTube for a while Most of you let's give it a like give it a subscribe drop a comment if you've got any experiences to share I love to hear about your experiences Let's get a community going here guys, let's get everybody Putting their ideas their experiences into the comments into this community that I'm trying to build and And then we can offer a bit more support to each other and maybe feel a little bit less alone in this It's big wide world So this has been me Thomas Henley from Asperger's Grove Make sure you let me know what type of videos you want me to put out in the future If you've got any ideas for video titles something that you really really want to see let me know and I'll get right on it Thank you very much for watching, and I'll see you handsome beautiful Han beautiful got it right this time in the next video. Goodbye. See you later. See you later All right, I've got some work done now. Where's the sun gone?