 and I was holding her under the bath water until she fucking finally let her arms fall by her side and I haven't really seen her since. Welcome to episode number 33. You are listening to the Martin Magdal podcast. It is fully actual and we are eating grass. Cows eat grass. Yeah. And that is, you can expect that type of quality from our shit talk. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That, I, it's so hard to be here. All right, famous birthdays. Kim Kardashian is 38. Wait, what about on this day? On this day in 1867, $50. It was, someone owned 50 bucks. On this day in 1857, $50 man. Was invented. No. $50. That's it. Don't add to it. You can, you can do with that. You can do what you like with that information. Okay. $50. $50. Also, on this day in 1945, on October the 21st, women in France were allowed to vote for the first time. France. He said that weirdly. It's France. It's like, do you say dance or dance? Dance. We're fucking Aussies now. What about if you go disco? Disco dance. Disco dancing. Oh yeah. So there you go. Women, women were allowed to vote in France. Well, on France, first country to do that. Good shit. Imagine a time where women weren't allowed to vote. Like how the fuck that would, that had, that was just normal that women were just considered. Well, I think like if you look at history, it's always been pretty fucked with a lot of things. Still is fucked with a lot of things. It's always going to be fucked with a lot of things now. Everything's perfect. No, no, no. In Portugal, they've passed now censoring the internet from fake news, but the government determines what's fake news. Oh yeah. But in Portugal. In Portugal, you're allowed to have any drug you want. Yeah. They decriminalize and it lowered the people doing drugs. Yeah, of course. But. That should do that internationally. There's still problems. There's no problem. Gotta fix them. Everything's fixed now. You get the hammer, you get the bricks, the concrete, you fix it. Wholesome. Everything's fixed now. All right. Also famous birthdays, Kim Kardashian turns 38 today and her tits turn 43. Her tits were actually first. And then the rest of her grew from the breast tissue. Stem cell research. Yes, exactly. Stem cell research. Look it up if you don't believe me. Fuck off. And go to, go to book, go to book up it. The fucking fuck off, man. Got a book. That's a club. That's a club. Got a book up it. Judge Judy Shindlens, 76. Whoa, she has an agent. I swear we've spoken about her before. I'd love to fucking hit her just to see her reaction. Just a jab. You can't, you can't. She'd lose her shit, I reckon. Dude, she would take you to court. She is in a very fiery old lass. Yeah. I'd love to throw peg human shit at her back. Just to see what she would do. She's walking down the street, walking to work with her suitcase. You run behind her. And as hard as you can, peg a human shit in her back. The center of her spine. See her turn around, realize what it is, and then just see her reaction. I'd pay money to watch that, dude. Yeah, is that, I guess you'd go to jail for that. But it would honestly be worth 30 days in jail. No, I reckon it'd be years because she's got connections as a judge. As first time, oh yeah, we'd probably go to jail for a couple years. Still nearly worth it, nearly worth it. Also, Carrie Fisher, who is an actor, she's famous for Star Wars. She turns Nintendo 64 today. She's 64 years old. Oh, she's dead. 63. Oh, she would have turned 63. Oh, you got that. God, you are a snuggler. Yeah, that's her. And she's 64. And also, Judge Judy, she watches, look, we're not going to do that. Comedy's comedy. Yeah, but if anyone knows her, please throw human shit at her back and film it because I'd love to see that. Please, if anyone does that, we'll give you a shout out. We'll give you a shout out, all right, on all of our social medias, if you throw human shit at Judge Judy, throw a big lump of human shit at her back. Go, spread the word. It needs to happen. Judge Judy's child. Is this defamation? No, because we're not talking ill of her. We're just, we're just hate speech, probably. Is that, that's like, that's like what Hitler did. No, it's comedy. If you know her, throw a human shit at her back. I'm full of power. Everyone go throw a human shit at Judge Judy. Get started, let's back. Spread the word and to spread the shit. Hot sick goop shit. Hot sick ass shit. Slapping on her back. I was happy and, oh, that was it. I was like content with life for a good 30 seconds. All right, that brings us to our next segment, which has been renamed, human shit, to human shit at Judge Judy. And this is a segment where we just answer fan questions that we have had sent in from Instagram. Oh my God. So it's a Q and A. Human shit. Dumbass underscore 106 has asked, if you could pick between sucking Michael's toes or ripping off your toenails, which one would you do? This is for Martian. The sake of his toes. Oh, I'm on ripped off. I don't want my toes looking as long and that fucking shit, dog. Fuck off. It's painful. Yeah, nice. I just stick your toes in my mouth and suck until we both ejaculated. Peeking of pure sex ecstasy. Next question is from t.weez. And he's asked, or she, when are you cunts making a movie? 15 hours from now. Yeah, we have, you didn't read my email, did you? Paramount has contacted, you told me. Yeah. Didn't read the email. Well, look, we'll have a movie one day, you know? I don't know when, but we'll probably bloody, couple of years. I'll say a couple of years. We're gonna be a show first. Yeah, we wanna show, and then a movie, and then a, you know. And then we'll die. And then we'll sponsor Holden in the V8s. That's the pinnacle of success. That's what we wanna do with our lives. Sponsor Holden V8 supercars. Bathurst, Peter Brock, crushed it. Isn't he the guy that got killed in cricket? Crushed it. Peter Brock fucking slammed him in the trees. Oh, he died. He's gone, you all right? And Holden sponsored it. We need to do it now. Next question is from Slipknot underscore maggot underscore. What is your favorite video and why? It's a great Instagram video. What's got a movie? What? Movie. No, he wants to know what our favorite video of our videos is. Oh, our favorite, oh fuck, I would never put that together. My favorite video of us is probably the passed out mate compilation. That's every time I watch that, I laugh hard. You laugh, yeah. And that is like overly hard. That is like four years of Michael getting fucking fucked up. So he's so unconscious and me just fucking with him. My favorite is a YouTube video. I think we might have released it on Facebook. If you go to our YouTube, where we did like, we used to go to UQ. We've been banned from all universities in Queensland because of what we've done. Permanently. And hit mighty, it's called the Stalker. The Stalker prank. Exactly, yeah. I forgot that. And I pretend to be obsessed with Michael. So like I go up to like people going, hey, can you just vouch and cover me right now? I'm not meant to be at uni. This guy's crazy. Can you just say I was handing you an assignment and then I was just here for like 10 minutes to hand you this. And then they have to like deal with that and like think of some like fucking way to work with me. And then Marty comes up with his pants up to his fucking tits. So he's tucked his shirt in, his pants up to his tits, he's jolted his hair back. Ah! Ah! He looks insane. And then they have to deal with him. At one point in the scene there's two chicks, he brings up a dead like little baby magpie that we found was like perfect for the scene. Yeah, walked up to Michael and the two chicks with a dead bird in my hand and their faces were so good. Watch the video, find it on our YouTube. Like Stalker prank gone wrong or whatever. Like Marty, Michael, Stalker prank. It is so funny that like, that's my favorite video because Marty's character is so gross and fucked. Yeah, it's perfect example. Even at one point he fucking like, pins me down and tries to bum me. They're not your friends now. Like, oh dude, it's so fucked. We see some fucking awesome knowledge, if a prank say like sick as shit. But now we're banned, now we're banned. Sick as shit. And we do want to start doing them again because fuck we love doing that shit. That was so much fun back in the day. Using the public for entertainment is the best. But we were king of cringe and it was always very awkward. Yeah. Next question. Fucking cunt. This one's from SlipknotMagin. Sophie.cellanas. SlipknotMagin. All right, which is your favorite fiction book and why? I love true stories. I fucking love true stories. I love a good book. In a Blight in the Mart Magic Fireway, Tree gets me off pretty hard. I liked James and the Giant Peach. All Roll Darlin' in Blightin' is like the God. But if you want to read something that's fiction-based, but then became reality, read 1984 by George Orwell. It'll change your life and you'll see the truth. Favorite type of books of more like true stories is literally nearly all I read. Next question! All right, next question's from The Darkness. He says, always turn the lights off. J Grace X, marry me is my question for the book. We get this a lot. What? Marry me, question mark. No. We can't. We're taken, boys. God, my liver hurts. You didn't even have anything. Yeah, last night I fucking wouldn't have been sick. Yeah, he showed me the videos. Yeah, my girlfriend has videos of me dancing naked. Private shows and fuck, they're funny. Bullsack galore. Yeah, so we can't marry Grace. Great question, though, I guess. Well, yeah, I know, I know. We are very, very- Very good. Important, popular, the best. We're high status, high achieving, rich, huge, following, massive, big black cock. Numbers, massive, tumor field testicles. Big numbers, fiction-based, fingers in the bum, where's your flux, what's aspirin? Cascading out of my mouth. Find it, find it, search it. This one's from I Huey. For a while now, I've been noticing I myself sexually budding towards cows. What a strange question. I see cows. When I see a nice-looking cow, I start to get those impulses, similar to what I've heard Marty talk about. However, I get incredibly timid and nervous and can't speak. I need help and advice in approaching cows because I'd love to enter into this new chapter of my life and exploring who I truly am. So I guess this guy just wants advice, Marty, on how you make your first move on something you know everything about. So, you know, the nerves, I never really had that. It sounds to me like you're respecting the cows too much. You want them to like you, you know that you don't want to say or do. You need to, as quickly as you can, remove all respect from the beast, separate what you want to its feelings because the two cannot exist together. Figure out what you want to do and then buck and hone in on that and don't think about anything else. And then there will be no such thing as approaching the cow or how to talk to them. You just do it. You just do what you want as hard and as fast as you want and you're not worried about it. You're not worried about its feelings. You just get it. You get what you want and you fucking take it. Take it, Sly. Oh, dude, I got away with pissing. You fucking dog. No. I got away with pissing in a bucket again. You owe us a perfect question to do it because you were so passionate. You couldn't hear, you know, microphones that dribbling on the bucket. No, you blacked out for a bit, didn't you? Yes. All right, next question. Whoa, that was highly fucked up. If you are ever involved in like a murder case as a suspect, they're going to use that and go to this footage to show this footage to a jury. You are fucked. All right, next question is from Tyson, underscore Bowen, underscore 06. What is your most accomplished thing in life besides being the best? Aside from all of the followers, aside from our huge bulging bank accounts, aside from our good looks, I wish, our incredible personalities and aside from our hilariousness and aside from being the best, my biggest accomplishment would be taking down a 1.3 ton kilogram heifer with nothing but my left arm. That's not even your dominant arm. No, I had an injury. Couldn't use my right arm. There's a big heifer. Fast. And there were steep incline hills. Had to chase it for 15, maybe 25 minutes. And I had to grab a hold of it. Used nothing but my left arm and wrangled it to the ground and yeah, anyway. Mine's probably, we got to, you always want to get to a point in your life where you can say, you're top 10 at something. Cause I wanted to be top 10 or number one in the world at tennis. It didn't happen. It's too hard. Alcohol comes about, you get distracted with girls and parties happen and then you get the way we did. But there was a point in me and Marty's life where we were tennis coaches and we didn't care about anything but playing, well I didn't care about anything but playing video games. And Marty would sleep over my house cause he didn't have a license and I'd have to drive him to work in the morning. We've told, have we told them about this? Yeah, probably. We won't let him hear it again. We got to number nine in the world at Worms Armageddon too. A tactical chess sort of like tactical game like chess in a way. Know your turns but know when to do the certain weapons and the shots you got to make. I would execute him. Marty would tell me and fucking talk to the people that we versed. Yeah, we got to number nine in the world at something. No one can say they're top 10. I'm pretty proud of that. Even though that's fucking, that's sort of just as bad as putting your life earnings into a. We've done well. We've done well, but there's far more achievements to come. So we're not happy. We're not happy yet. So. Strive for more, always. Be better. Hashtag be better and bender. All right, next question's from Trenticals underscore 87. Hey guys, these are my questions from last week. Don't know if you had used them or not cheers. Long time listener, first time, bevine molester. Can you guys give me any suggestions on how to approach my first sexual experience with a plump, this is perfect, plump heifer. Any pointers would be much appreciated. Yours truly, Trenticals underscore 87. You legends are gods among mere mortals. If you had 10 commandments, what would they be? So we as your humble followers can please and abide by you. Lots of lava hugs and kisses. So 10, 10 commandments. And you already gave your advice on the cows. So 10 commandments in life is number one. You go, then I'll go. Number one. Number one would be never, ever break eye contact with someone with red hair. All right, next. Number two is finger it out. Number three would be never finish a sandwich while in the presence of someone with red hair. Number four is don't spend too much money on a car. Number five would be watch all of the Fast and Furious movies and then uppercut yourself. Number, what are we up to? Six. Six is make sure you can watch the fucking Marvel films as long as you're under 12. If you watch them above 12, you're fucked. Number seven would be wipe your ass. Number eight is listen, listen to things. Number nine is breastfeed as long as you can. If we have any babies listening to this, breastfeed until you're 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 if you can, suck on your mum's tits for as long as you can. Hmm, it helps. It helps. Trust me. And number 10 is instead of finger it out, figure it out. Byron.Joseph with double H at the end. When will you introduce us to Marty's cow-eye? Oh, look, I don't have a wife that's a cow. I have lots of cow mistresses, but I would never, ever. So you know, being a relationship with one, they are merely tools for my sexual ecstasy. They are just huge lumps of flesh where I inject my seed into, that is all I am. There is never an emotional connection. It is always just fiery hate. Mixed with aggressive lust bombs. That was pretty good, that is. That was a clap, that one, that was fucking on point. Holy shit. All right, this one's from official underscore Declan underscore, your name's too long. And he's asked, you smoke bongs with you instead of why OU. And yeah, yeah, we do smoke weed. I don't have a bong, but I just put it in my hand and then put the lighter under my hand and heats it up. And then I inhale it as it melts. I don't smoke, I don't even smoke anymore really. I might have it at a party now. I used to smoke every day back in the day. Now I don't like it as much. Coward. I push it out. Fucking coward. If you go back to some fucking podcast, number six or seven or some shit. My whole surprise didn't say a word. I can't fucking deal with it now. I just go into my own head and I think about that impending thought of we're gonna die. We're gonna die one day and that's scary. I just wanna be immortal. Does that mean what? No, immortal is immortal. I wanna be like huge tumor next to your spine inoperable, inoperable. What is your favorite podcast so far? Which one should we go back and watch or listen to? This one's from Matt Brown, four ones. Just one, one, one, one, four times. Matt Brown, one, one, one, one. And this is from our producer. He's actually an employee at a large company and they make big blocks of concrete. Sell it to people and fish. He was in as a guest on our podcast, number 30. So large quantities of concrete and the company that he works. My favorite is podcast number 17 because it's the only one I've really listened back when I've had the time to listen on a long journey by myself and I pissed myself laughing the whole time. Yeah, that was a rip at that one. But also the podcast with the cat prank call. Yeah, I think we lost it and then we redid it but if you go on Spotify, there's two podcasts that you can't watch on YouTube that you can listen to on Spotify. I don't know which ones they are, maybe three and six. Because I had footage lost when my phone was stolen by a Balinese bitch. I think it might have been a man. It was a man. A man can be a bitch. That brings us to the end of Carla Macala. It brings us to our next segment, of course, which has been renamed to and during this segment we basically just talk about an old story. It's happened to us. We were out drinking. This is 10 years ago. We're trying to be very careful not to incriminate ourselves too much. Those are we fucked shit up. We did some damage. We don't do this We did this so you kids don't do it and we've learned from our lessons. Yeah, we're not scientists We're not promoting vandalism We're just telling you an old story that we did and it didn't help us in any way shape or form So don't do it unless you want to start a podcast. Hmm. You want to talk about something then? Yeah, do it So we'd finish drinking will smash Sloppy fucking 18 at this point Brains aren't developed yet. We didn't know what to do. It was probably half society's fault. I'm gonna play him Yeah, it was it was definitely not our fault, but this is what we we it was the getting in to We had no intention of doing this, but there's these poles that you can climb up And it's like a 10 meter wall, right? It's literally like a 10 meter wall and then the school this is this School is on a clip on a like a cliff thing, right? And there's a pipe a pipe a drain pipe that goes all the way to the top of the wall So just we wanted to see how high we could get we had no intention Yeah, it started off as a challenge. They shouldn't provide challenges like that, but they shouldn't have obstacles Fun obstacles like this. We were being like athletic. We're being ninja shits Anyway, we get to like we're like 10 meters if we fell we would have broken something or maybe even die I would have sued if we did that. Yeah, but so anyway, we climbed up the poles and we we and we get to the top somehow and The reward at the very top the wheel it was like with the pole was like the drain pot was like bending backwards Snap that would have been it. That's not good by Marty and Michael. We'll land it on our backs Cackling as we fell. Yeah, skulls would have exploded on the pavement and we would have been free My question in my mind. Anyway, we made it to the top and we were like, oh, this is so funny And and now we're in a school all of a sudden all over in a school and Then we start, you know, we start it's it's like what 2 a.m.. I thought and we start exploring We start walking around like I'm not used to being in a school, especially 18 or 19 And you know, it started simple We just threw a few things into the pool maybe pissed in the pool smashed a window or two through some shit You know just innocent little things nothing no permanent damage, but then we saw a cherry picker It's like half under construction this school at the time Yeah, there was just some construction work going on and they had a cherry picker Which is a machine where it raises you up if you want to get higher to like and high fucking platform and wouldn't you know the Fucking keys are left in the cherry picker. So what of course of course we're going to get into the cherry picker And you know, we're drunk. It's hard to steer. We're a laugh and having a good time And we drive the fucking thing into the pool. Yeah, cuz it's right near the pool So what do you expect to like what don't drive it in the pool because we weren't initially going to drive it into the pool We were like climbing on the on the cherry picker bit, but then we found out there was the key still in it And then I drove it or we drove it together in To the pool because it wasn't our cherry picker and Yeah, and all our pool so yeah You know the pool is a bit of a mess But and then we just we climbed onto the roof and it's a tiled roof We one of the buildings we made a scale that got on top and we were just lobbing a tile off every now and then Just throwing it underneath. So there's a few broken tiles and you know, we sat there for For hours for for hours sun almost the sun was rising So we've analyzed and then we're sitting in our vandalism and then we we saw Some people coming up the driveway, you know, cuz it's early morning now. And so we thought oh, we'd better leave Yeah, cuz I guess they were doing construction on the school at the time So we sort of thought Fuck they're probably gonna come and this is when the Sun's starting to rise. So that's when Construction workers, I guess come to their work zone to work on their project And then once we saw that we snuck down out of the roof and Yeah, we went home and we went home and we fell asleep and honestly didn't think that much of it Didn't think that was a big deal And then we woke up the next day and realized that we were you know, we were there for a long a sickeningly long time And we were so worried about it CTV footage and fuck it. It was but we survived. Yeah How do you like how do you make Listeners think that we did the right thing there. Well, as I said, we did it so you don't do it and we were we We would do it again No, I probably I'd be too scared and they've got more cameras these days. This is ten years back We would do it. We're what we're trying to say is We would do it again. I don't think I would I'd feel really bad But it was because the obstacle of what we did and we put our lives on the line We could have died and then we got there and there was these fucking toys to play with That we wanted to mix them together have imagine having a pool and a cherry picker Why not combine them and have fun? Oh, we would do it again I wouldn't mighty would but if he convinced me and I was drunk enough. I'd do it again. Sorry Sorry about that Yeah, I guess yeah, I guess that's pretty bad. Yeah, we wouldn't do it again But you know, we were young dumb silly and and and boys will be boys and all that Broke a fair bit of shit whatever now we move forward and remember never ever give in Always be there and never worry about it never give up or give in always to the nth degree give out though Space it out. Push it around organize it and don't forget to push it. Push it to the heart Push it to the hardcore. Yeah Remember. Yeah, I remember that Space it out evenly and don't question things. Just be be book give up But don't give in be book and organize Bitch give up and give in then be be an organized bitch that gives up book work figure it out It out figure it out finger it out be organized finger it figure it out That we don't mean any of that obviously that was all a test So yeah, you guys put it together and come up with your own fucking puzzle the next segment has been renamed to And this is a segment where we just read news headlines we haven't done this one for a while We read news headlines when we comment on them. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So this one is a news headline from the independent and I Is hits quite close to home this should help us get verified on on Instagram because it's a process cows found mutilated with sex organs removed and blood drained prompt alien and cult Theories yeah, well, they've been doing this for years, but I got news for your theorists out there. It was It was me Cats out of the bag there Aliens aren't real. It was me. I did it. All right. I fucking mutilated those five cows and removed this God damn it. He caught me Oh I just saw piss spray everywhere next story is from the Daily Mail and they have said man 63 who danced naked through a McDonald's and tried to have sex with a railing is arrested for trespassing he's obviously on some good drugs legend and we've all fucked a railing in our time haven't we why is he charged with trespassing whoa yeah you got a look at him he looks like a rail fucker he looks like a rail fucker he tempted to have sex with a railing we must be on drugs surely like what wonder what type of drugs make you want to just fuck a railing I saw that guy run around naked through McDonald's fucking rails I would be thoroughly entertained I'd be clapping yeah yeah I would have a clap I can encourage it as long as they weren't kids there next story is from CBS News and they have said a walrus defending her cubs sank a Russian Navy boat in the Arctic Ocean well so she attacked a Navy boat and sunk the thing and Russian Navy boats must be shit the walrus can bring it down how do they expect to be part of a war participating bringing down other ships the fucking walrus can take it down because walruses are war that's unbelievable what a piece of shit boat Russia get your shit together otherwise we're going to war with you we're fucking coming for you fucking Russian dogs we are fucking coming for you just this is parody slapstick com this is a direct threat to you put we are fucking coming for you Russian scum that's all Marty I'm one for you a walrus we just get a few walruses and we'll beat their army I think apparently according to CBS which we can definitely trust kids all right that is the end of the new segment which brings us to our final segments which has not been renamed oh this is good this one's gonna be good we're doing a prank call that we love doing so Michael's written down some phrases and he will say it into the microphone I will be on the phone to Domino's they of course won't be able to hear Michael what he's the phrases that he's saying into the microphone but I will I will be able to hear them because I've got the fucking headphones on so I will then have to insert the phrase that he says into a sentence while ordering food let's see if we can get get it watch it watch this what's the first one box rot feet box rot feet to try and get through all of these without them hanging out it's like 20 hey mate can I just place a pickup order please can I get a box rot feet just a large meatlovers pizza please I'll just hang on is just someone setting fire to an orphanage what's the the thick crust or what's what's that one cool meeting with a family yeah right yeah hang on I'm just mating with a family member I'm just gonna see what they want and a Hawaiian please a Hawaiian pizza on and that's on a on a thin crust there's a child with a priest do you guys have any sight yeah like what what are this I'm allowing myself to hurt oh well I'm I'm allowing myself to hurt here so I'll get a garlic bread and there's some pain in my family so I'll get some little chicken bites is that what you guys is that what they're called I hate myself and for the drinks do you got what drinks do you guys have Stephen Hawkins was lazy I'll get some seven up and I'll just get that a 1.25 and I'm a fisted a cow I am a fisted a cow I just fisted a cow I'll get another bottle of Pepsi please sorry I'm just juggling there's like people showing me what they want slit clip fish be slit clip fish bit I don't think they have that man do you guys have any fish pizzas no no yeah no no fish pizzas vegetarian you guys are vegetarian hey ripped my breasts so I'll get a vegetarian pizza on a thick crust as well please yeah relaxing next to my the thick one sorry I'm just relaxing next to my dead wife just trying to see what she wants painted my back home painted my back with cum do you guys have like chips as well like you guys do hot chips milk to drag and using can I get some some some chips as well please and I've milked a dragon using my back split autism I've spilt autism all of my salad you guys do salads stand up stand up and shit also I've got a swollen testicles and large ball of rats skulls again I'll set the fire to an orphanage again I will set fire to an orphanage rocks but feet yes please yeah rocks but rocks box rot feet as a child with a priest allowing myself yeah sure it's zero zero zero he knew straight away he went along with it man I was hard dude yeah difficult but I did I got through all of them hanging up and then I just got lazy at the end and just said them yeah yeah he didn't even go to what he wanted you to do I'm not sure but I'm gonna shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up where the best best best best best the best