 Castella where have you been? Look at you. Your clothes are dripping with your shoes. What happened to you? I stopped to get a drink at the faucet outside the street faucet. Yeah, dummy. That's no faucet. That's a fire hydrant fire hydrant Yeah, no wonder I wouldn't have to wait a pomegranate. I got it Gee Gee Gee I gotta get these wet clothes off. Yeah If I Please how many times have I told you when you sneeze sneeze the other way? I don't know any other way Talks sense. Will you do you realize you've probably caught a cold? Do you want the germs to spread? Oh, I don't let them spread. How can you keep germs from spreading? I'll make them wear a girdle. Oh Now that's ridiculous. You've got a cold in your head. How are you going to keep that cold in your head from going down into your chest? I'll tie a knot in my neck Yeah, but what are you talking about? You're not so healthy Oh, I'll have you know my friend that I keep regular hours every night. I go to bed with the chickens How do you all get that little cool? No, no, I'm trying to tell you that I go to bed early and I'm up at the crack of dawn Then I go out and chop wood for breakfast chop wood for breakfast How can you eat that stuff? Listen, Castello, I chop wood for exercise for example every morning I jump out of bed and crawl around the room on all fours. You crawl around on all fours. Yes, that's the athlete me Athlete that's the monkey in you for this. Oh Hey, here's Ken Niles say I'm glad you dropped in Ken take a look at Castello He doesn't feel very well. Oh just let some of the air out of his head. He'll be all right I Know you got a lot of now you got a lot of nerve there now It's to me talking like that well with such a swell head like you got oh, I'll have you know I'm not well headed. Oh, yeah, you're the only guy. I know who gets the mumps of the ears Now take it easy Costello. You're a sick man. Who's a sick man? I'm all right. I just got a Little Good happens bud. Did you hear Costello sneeze? What's wrong with the way a little the way I sneeze but a little thing like that What's wrong with it? Well, if you have to sneeze, why don't you sneeze with your mouth closed? I tried that once a blue out three of my teeth Now wait a minute Costello your sneezing is dangerous I can catch your cold then go home and my beautiful wife will get it in her lovely throat her lovely Yes, Costello. Mrs. Niles has a neck like a swan. Yes, and she's got webbed feet to match I heard that remark You might be interested in knowing that all my friends think I have perfect features. Is that your nose, or are you looking for a personal? Oh stop that don't pay any attention to Costello Mrs. Niles You see he's got a cold and we're trying to help him You know the old saying star the cold now the first thing to do is to put him on a diet no carbohydrates No starches no liquids and no Stalin Think you can stick to that diet Costello sure then what then Kenneth and I'll play First time you're gonna straight it It's almost a wonderful joke Oh My poochie. Oh, no, no, you're my poochie. Oh, no, you're my poochie. If there's a dog catcher in the house, what are you waiting for? Come Kenneth and it's for you Costello. I hope your cold is nothing trivial Well, I don't blame them for going out the only way to avoid the flu is to flee What's that? I mean you've got to flee fool Got a flea flu. What kind of fuck is that? I'm trying to tell you the only way to be free from flu is to flee when flu flies When there's flu everybody please Did you say please certainly I flee you flee he flees she flees what I got a call or flee circuit You don't understand to avoid the flu. You've got to flee. I got a flea get him off of me then No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't I don't mean please like like flies Let the fleas like flies. I don't want to break up no romance But it has nothing to do with fleas and flies I'm trying to tell you to avoid the flu you must flee The only way to be free from flu is to flee when flu flies Oh, you mean that to be free from flu. I got a flea when flu flies and the fleas and flies have got nothing to do with the flu Now you've got it. Now. I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about Well, let me put it this way You're in the house you open the window and a cold germ comes in a cold germ comes in. Yes What would you do? I'd give him a cup of hot tea who wants to serve in Now that's crazy this cold germ a text and immediately starts to Germany before you know it you've got a lot of nasty germs rushing through your system According to my system the Russians are rushing through the Nazi Germans Well, that's true castella, but I'm talking about flu germs do you realize that germs travel with a speed of light now one little sneeze What? There you are there you are the germs are off. They're already chilled. They've already traveled from California to Maine They are now crossing the Atlantic. I didn't even say goodbye to them That's a little right now at this very minute someone in Europe is catching your cold Hello Yeah, what do you mean? He's just needs a now the coffin will come later Ready rich in the orchestra dress up an old paper alone Oh The birds are singing For me and my gal Everybody didn't know it To a when we're going And for weeks they've been so This is the inside They're congregating Me and my The thousands waiting for me and my And sometimes I'm gonna build a little home for two for three or four Or more They're congregating For me and my The thousands waiting for me and my And sometimes I'm gonna build a little home For three or four or maybe more Now stop that screaming castello you want me just pull that cord by the bed. Oh, I did what happened my pajamas fell down What are you talking about didn't I didn't I put some cracked ice on your head? Yeah, but you didn't have to wait till you got the ice on my head before you cracked it However for the last time I'm telling you what am I doing in bed? Well, it's part of the health building cause I got from professor Hercules Starting tomorrow morning. You're going to get out of bed at five o'clock Then at five ten second bed and all no no at five ten you jump into a nice cold shower And I whistle hey you don't whistle. I gotta whistle. Why? Well, there's no luck on a bachelor's door Oh Look pay attention at five ten you jump into the shower. Can't you just feel the ice cold water running down your back? Then at five twenty back in bed with a hot water bottle Listen at five twenty you take a bouncing horseback ride Five for he back in bed face down Then at six o'clock an hour of wrestling seven o'clock two hours of handball Nine o'clock. He walked 30 miles with a heavy pack on your back and 12 to one you climb a mountain 12 to one I don't make it Oh you idiot You never listen to me. Just wait till you see Hercules exercise has given him Bulging biceps rippling muscles a massive chest. He's the strongest man in the world the mighty Hercules Come in I am the mighty Hercules Honest, I am honest See castel take a look at hercules get a load of that muscle what muscle the last time I saw a muscle like that was on a sparrow's ankle You know, I could chalk his head and use them for a pool cue Bad castel Well, he reminds me of a radio program. I heard one man's payment Mr. Kistello as I analyze your case my treatment for you should not be pissed down Let me show you what my course can do for you hand me the telephone book and I will tear it. Are you ready? And now the second page Hello, Kurtleys, what's so great about that? I can vent bars with my bare hand Castella now, don't be silly. You're talking to the mighty Hercules. Yeah, mr. Kistello. I'm a master muscle You're a mess of something brother Now while I'm on a subject you ain't seen nothing yet just feel my muscle Where is it? All I can feel is one little corpuscle. Yeah, but ain't it got a hot head Look at it for the last time I tell you there's nothing wrong with now you've got to get me out of this bed now Give me a lift. All right What was that Come in Good evening gentlemen, I'm Peter Laurie Oh, mr. Kistello, I've come here to offer you the services of my sanitarium. I understand your health is run down Now wait a minute lorry. Who told you all this? Oh, nobody you see I get messages through my brain My mind is like an open door What are you there from the knob? Quiet castella let me handle this mr. Laurie you say you have a private sanitarium Oh, yes, and it's just a place for mr. Kistello It is out in the woods in a very lonely spot Where you can get away from it all far far away I don't want to get that far away Let me close to the town now Get a lot of people around me too Please When you were around I gotta have noise But please mr. Kistello, you're scaring me I'm scaring you That's so there's no sense in shouting That's right, mr. Kistello. Let us speak low. I don't want to speak low. I always talk loud Happy new year. No, not everybody Here's some John child Thomas Just a minute please That's that's enough that's enough hey, they like it. Yeah, never mind Look, pay no attention to this bright Never mind pay no attention to him mr. Laurie I'll bring castello out to your sanitarium tonight. Oh, yes, please and it's midnight. I hope when the moon is down No tomorrow when the sun is up When you like brother like to like we're gonna turn on a search like a silly you're acting like an idiot Yes, mr. Kistello. I've had thousands of patients at my sanitarium and I've never had one of them complained You know what that proves don't you? Yes, sir dead men sell no sales Connie hain sings the new hip tune I couldn't sleep awake last night I couldn't sleep awake last night Because I thought my heart would break the whole night I knew that you'd be sorry and I'm sorry too I didn't have my favorite dream The one Which I hold you tight I had to call you up this morning To see if everything was still all right This morning So that couldn't sleep awake last night It's a whole new time. I had to call you up this morning To see if everything was still All right And I'll back you have it in costello who are enroute to peter lorry sanitarium the time is midnight Well costello We'll be at peter lorry sanitarium in a minute. He's a great dr. Costello He'll see that you get some rest in peace. That's what bothers me. I don't want a rest in peace quiet Listen a friend of mine was just about to die and dr. lorry pulled him over the hump, which way? Well here it is Peter lorry sanitarium 1313 graves in road. What an address Look at the sign on the gate deliver all bodies in the rear Now I now stop complaining. Look how quiet and peaceful it is out here That's the first robin I've heard this spring Oh, shut up quite a part wasn't it? You know Lou This is the kind of a place I've always wanted to visit. Look at that green stuff clean to the gate that green stuff Now don't be such a coward go ahead up to the door and knock. Oh, do you think i'm a coward? Okay, yeah, but i'll prove you that i'm i'll prove you i'm a hero i'll be brave I'll show you what i'm made of i'll knock on the door i'll go in there But before I do it is just one thing i want you to do for me. What's that? Fuck me out of it Now none of that go ahead knock on the door don't be afraid why peter lorry may not even be at home He's home. All right. How do you know? I see a straight jacket hanging on the lion That's the law once and for all will you please knock on the door? Okay? All right, how do you do gentlemen? If you ring now? I'm not I thought I heard you whistle Let me have your hat, please Don't you want the coat too? No just a hat Just a hat Who are you? I'm a skull. I'm just going out for a walk Come on have it that's all let's get quiet here comes peter lorry Ah, good evening gentlemen. Welcome to my tenetary. Now come mr. Castello. Let me take you over here Go to the fire. Come on. No pushing lorry push oven. Hey, have it help me now. Come on. Come on. Castello castello Now nothing of the guy. What's the matter with you? Yes, I mean, you know harm it's called out tonight You must be killed. I mean sure I heard you the first time for that Get what i'm calling brother Please do not excite yourself mr. Castello. All I want you to do is to take a pill. I'm not taking no pills I'm taking a powder now Come on. Have it. Wait a minute castello If you want to hear your call you've got to listen to dr. Lorry Have it. I'm not sick. All I did was let out a little A little A sneeze you see you must not minimize your illness here take this little blue pill I ain't taking no pill. You heard the man take the blue pill. Oh, you always went out. Okay. Oh Very good. Now take this red pill. What's the red pill for? Oh, that's in case the blue pill was poisoned Get away with those pills mr. Lorry. Were you just a minute? Be calm I don't want to relax. I want to jump. Come on everybody get up. Yes, you see doctor. You see doctor sounds like i'm alone You see doctor, I told you that castello was in bad shape what he really needs is some exercise Oh splendid. Let's go out and play some golf golf at midnight Oh, yes, who last night I played a playing game with my friend francis team Now there's a gruesome to some It was a very interesting game francis team made a hole in one so I buried him in it You know, I I play a very hot game hot game you probably play in the lower hatties Oh Doctor Excuse me, please. That's one of my patients. Oh doctor. I just killed my keeper. I just killed my keeper Why did you kill him? He killed me first? Hey, haven't I thought I wasn't kidding. I was a body behind a couch. Is he dead? I can't tell his head is missing Take a cello look the body is getting up He's coming towards me Listen, mister You're dead, ain't you? Yes. I am dead Then why aren't you laying down if you must know the floor is too cold That's the last straw. I'm getting out of here now. Stop worrying. There's nothing wrong with this place What was that what a clock let's go Oh Mr. Costello, I think you're running a temperature. I must call my assistant Who's your assistant Dracula? Oh, no, no, I'm mad at him. I caught him stealing from my blood bank Dr. Laurie the operating table is already what what operating table you ain't operating on me. I'm not hungry You're not hungry. You heard me. I don't want any cold cuts. Oh, I must I must insist mr. Costello my diagnosis shows that the sneeze caused your cold Which caused poison to run through your system. This has affected your appendix and your appendix must come out Hurry money operating table boys The first guy that touches me gets the fact Now that's no way to talk You must follow your doctor's advice. Have you ever expected it? Well, okay, then lorry I'll let you take out my appendix on one condition good You got to take it out from the back from the back From the bag. That's right. But why of course? I got a battleship tattooed on my stomach And he is liable to sink it And now here's avid and costello over the final word Thanks, Ken. Well, Pina Laurie. It's certainly was nice to have you with us tonight Yes Thank you, mr. Costello. I hope you didn't mind coming to my senatorium. You should come again sometime. I will I'm visitor's day Oh another thing mr. Costello You should take care of your cold. You see flu flies and in order to be free from flu. You must flee when flu flies Say it again lorry. All right. I will uh, I mean without the script I'll get out of here. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Night, mom