 Mark Schwab, the host of Think Tech Hawaii's Law Across the Sea program. Today we're going across the sea of life and current events for a special Thanksgiving program. My guest today is Lila Berg. Lila is the owner and principal consultant with Lila Bergen Associates, which focuses on assisting people reach their personal and professional goals. She's also an author, professional speaker, resiliency facilitator, and an educator. And has been active in politics, business, and community organizations. Lila also loves to travel and dance Argentine tango. Lila's uplifting and encouraging responses to the stresses and strains of current events prompted me to ask her to be my guest today for this special Thanksgiving program. Aloha, Lila, good to see you. Aloha, Mark. Thank you for inviting me to be part of this conversation. Yeah, well, I really enjoy reading and hearing from you those quotes and inspiring comments that you make. And you recently sent me the following quote. Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about dancing in the rain. Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about dancing in the rain. What does that mean to you, Lila? Well, as a dancer, it means to enjoy the moment no matter what's happening to be present in the moment. Again, as a dancer to be able to pivot, if something doesn't work out the way you want it to, not to grumble and be frustrated and disappointed, we can feel all those feelings. But perhaps metaphorically, what it really means to me is when changes happen unexpected or even planned changes, and it doesn't work out the way we want it to, the best thing we can do is take a deep breath and look for the positives in that moment. Because I really believe in the philosophy that everything happens for a reason. And if we are centered and if we can breathe through the emotions, we'll find what the gift is in that moment. You know, growing up, many of us were told, don't go out in the rain. You're gonna get wet, you know? And then you'll get a cold. And then you can't go to school. And then, you know, and then, and then, and then. And I love to dance in the rain. And when you come in, you take a hot shower and put on warm clothes, there's a sense of freedom to be able to do what you want to do without hurting or hindering anyone else. And to me, that's what dancing is about, but certainly dancing in the rain. Well, in other words, analogy is dancing and being out there is like life. And sometimes we get caught in rainstorms. There's, or bad things happen. And so you have kind of adopted a philosophy of, well, if those bad things happen, let's keep on moving, let's keep on going. And yeah, but how do you learn to do that? How did you learn to dance in the rain? How do we all learn to dance in the rain? Well, and first let's backtrack a little bit. Bad things don't happen, things happen. That's what life is about, things happen. And we interpret them as bad or good or awesome or lucky. If we're able to take the viewpoint that things are going to happen and begin to trust ourselves that we can handle what happens, then even the worst that could happen, an illness, a death of a loved one, a job taken away from you that you really loved, a divorce, when those things happen, yes, we feel the pain, acknowledge the pain and then know, okay, let's put our feet on the ground and keep moving. And so how did I learn it? It was a process. My parents are not American and they had an amazing life individually and then together how they got to America. So I think I witnessed or I observed how they moved through their tragedies, through their situations. And then along the way being a lifelong learner that I am, number of spiritual practices came into my awareness and supported me strengthening that philosophy. The Greeks call it amorphati, which is to love fate. And loving fate means when something happens, take a deep breath and know that it is actually in our highest interest. And at the moment, the pain we feel is actually to be able to build more compassion for others. So you talked about your parents and I'm wondering, are there other specific events in your personal and professional background that have taught you how to dance in the rain? Are there other specific events that come to mind? And then I hear you saying embrace it in a way. And so sometimes there, so what in your life's journey has allowed you or showed you how to embrace these things? Oh my goodness, like you, we could make a list. My father passing away when I was 19, being in the hospital for 12 weeks on an IV, waiting for my son to be born, a betrayal and a very public divorce, being released from a top position in a national nonprofit because I didn't fit their bottom line. I mean, we can go on and on and list all of the situations that should never have happened to me. I'm a good person, what's my karma about? And somehow along the line there were my friends or something I read. And then this also deep trust in the universe loving me. You know, it sounds a little corny, but I believe that we are all on the planet at this time for the work that we are to do. And I think what really helped me is to become aware of what my why is. My why is to contribute to the world to help make communities stronger and people happier in the way that I do best. And so if I stay focused on that vision of my purpose in the world, it helps me get out of the poor me feeling I have sometimes. And you talk about various occupations, you've been a teacher too. And what have you learned from teaching and what can you pass on? What can you teach about teaching? Well, it's interesting you should ask that because it was never my dream to be a teacher. It was a fallback more or less because I had no major when I was coming out of college. And what I learned about teaching is it is about being real, about being a person engaged with other people. The first year I was teaching back when I came home to Hawaii, I got an unsatisfactory. Now, mind you, I have a college degree, a master's degree in education. And I don't do things haphazardly, but I got an unsatisfactory because the vice principal very astutely knew I was capable of more. And when she gave me that unsatisfactory, we talked about the way in which I was teaching. I had worksheets. I did the class exactly the same as the teacher next to me. And I had to discover my style, my voice and connect with the students. Educate means to draw forth from within, not to load something that's empty. And I think sometimes in the teaching profession, we believe that our students are empty and so we have to fill them. And every child comes into the world and into my classroom with so much to offer, my challenge is to bring it out in them. And then it's like, yeah. And you know, okay, so you had a supervisor that was in a way a mentor. And also that made you become a mentor, but the supervisor was saying, I know there's more. And so it really wasn't, what can I say? It wasn't a setback, it was a message to you. And so that's what you're saying is take these messages and learn from them to improve. Is that right? Am I saying that right? Absolutely. Every situation, every storm has, every cloud has a silver lining, right? We've heard that too, but every situation there's something to learn from. And if we can adopt, accept the philosophy that we're in this world to learn, to heal and to grow, I think it might help us to navigate those times that don't feel so good. And, you know, you've been involved in politics also. How have you, what have you learned from politics about life and dancing in the rain? Well, may I reframe that? I was involved in the political science profession. Okay. I was a legislator, not a politician and then probably therefore not as successful as I might have been had I been a politician. What I learned there is how important it is to tell the truth to yourself first. And in that field that is really occupied by people who I do believe want to do the best for the greater good, the personal challenges of being not enough, not smart enough, not powerful enough come into play. And when people come from the energy of fear, then they're going to be defensive and get angry as opposed to coming from an energy of love where they can be more collaborative. But it starts from within first. And I realized it wasn't the field that I was, that I could shine in. Ah, so you wanted to change. You tried it and it didn't fit. It wasn't where you wanted to dance. Is that right? Is that? I didn't know that right away though. So I was in for three terms and then I was so frustrated by the process. I thought, if I ran for lieutenant governor, maybe then I could bring people together because in that world, title means everything, whether you're chair, this or consultant for this, lobbyist and the blessing of an unanswered prayer was that I wasn't elected. I would have been under house arrest, I'm sure. I had to put in that position. So then I had to step back and I guess the word you might use is recreate. I had to reveal who I am and what my next step was and how I could best contribute. Yourself? Yes. I see. And so what did you do to change? I mean, how did you change your life and what steps have you taken? What steps can everybody take? Well, there are baby steps sometimes and sometimes we take a step back or to the side, we get a little distracted. I don't think I went deliberately into my life saying, I'm gonna change me. It was, who is me? And to become actually more self-reflective so I could find out what gives me joy. Joy is my barometer. When I'm really happy, I know I'm making the right decision. And it's not the superficial kind of relative happiness. It's that absolute happiness inside. From there, I went to be the director of development for Hope Lodge for the American Cancer Society. And like every corporation, like every work situation, you discover after a while how it operates, what the processes are and what the values are. And that I think is what happens to all of us if we're paying attention. We make a change in our life when the values are not coherent. My- So, and I hear you telling people, feel what is joyful, feel what feels right. And that's the dance to take up. That's what you should be dancing. That's the feeling that you should have when you're dancing. If you're not feeling that while you're dancing, you're dancing the wrong dance. Is that, am I saying it right? If you're not feeling that, you're dancing to somebody else's music and you're just doing steps. No, you introduced me very generously as an Argentine tango dancer. I'm a dancer by training. I was a ballet dancer as a child and then went into competitive ballroom dancing. And when I found a tango, and it was just something to do visiting Buenos Aires, it was the hardest thing because it was improvisational. There's only four steps in Argentine tango. Forward, back, around, into the side and stop. And there's no, unless I'm performing on stage, there's no routine. It's a conversation with your partner. It was so hard because I was into pleasing the situation. Did I look good as a dancer? Does the man wanna dance with me again? Was I following the mute? Was I doing it right? And that old conditioning of being perfect and following the rules and doing what other people tell you to do is actually what instigated my book because I realized that I was under so many shoulds that weren't mine. You shouldn't dance in the rain because you'll get wet. And so your book kind of focused on how to find your own dance steps. Is that right? To hear the music that you wanted to hear or to play the music and dance the dance you wanted to dance? Yes, and it was about hearing my own music because dancing tango, I have, there's a music playing. There's my partner moving and inviting me to move, but there's also me. If I understand what he wants to do, I can respond, but I can also stand still if I don't understand. And that freedom to move in the way that I feel is ponno, that I feel is right for me was so challenging because I was schooled and grew up in a society that says you're supposed to behave a certain way. Right, and you're supposed to please certain people, perhaps. Yeah. Definitely. Let me ask you. Now, with your background in politics and your background in business and other organizations in life, and I read your Facebook comments because we're Facebook friends. I really like them and you get a lot of good responses from people now, but there are also our times on Facebook when people are negative and antagonistic. Let's get some practical advice. How do you deal with that? How would you tell people, they have a Facebook friend and they're on the opposite ends of politics and the current situation and people are worried about wearing a mask or not wearing a mask in COVID and the economy's down? What do you, how do you tell people to deal with that? I guess my first question would be, why is it triggering you? Why is somebody else's comment getting you animated? Especially if it's Facebook and it's in writing. It's not like we're looking at each other at dinner. And then I would ask because I get triggered too. It's human when someone counters what I believe. My next question would be, okay, so is this battle worth it? What is, not only what is triggering me, but why do I have to be right? Everyone has their right to an opinion. They do not have a right to hurt people. That's a universal truth, but they have a right to what they believe in. And if someone becomes really, really antagonistic on your page, you also have the right to either delete their comment or unfriend them. And it doesn't mean you hate the person. It means you just don't want this in your life. I think many of us, especially growing up in Hawaii, were roomed to be nice people and kind and not hurt anybody. And so growing up like that, I wouldn't say very much because my mother told me, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Well, I'm not the kind of child that is really good. It was really good being quiet, but I tried. But what happened was I stuffed it all inside myself. And then it would come out when it's least expected or it came out in an illness. So the comment to someone on Facebook or I guess the guidance might be, what's triggering you and is it really worth going back and forth? And the third consideration is the person who is antagonistic or hostile, how sad for them that that is the only avenue that they may have to show that they have an opinion or that they're intelligent. And so if we can build compassion for that person, it will neutralize our own animation. Okay, so I see where you're saying, don't let it change the music in your own mind. Don't let that dominate you, but play the music that you want to dance to as you go forward. Don't let someone else's tune throw you off. And so you got to maybe depart from that, not let those things control you. Definitely not control us, but also be mindful and reflective when you do get triggered. And then be thoughtful of that person and allow that person just to pass. Allow that person to dance off in their own dance. Yes, you know, when I was teaching or facilitating trainings in companies on communications, building relationships, one of the phrases that I would use is thank you for sharing. And if I could just digress a little, it was fabulous. There was a very large man in the audience and he says to me, hey, I cannot say that. I said, okay, what could you say? You know what I'm driving at? And he goes, thanks. I'm saying, you know, so whatever language we speak, we could just, it's like doing Aikido. It's like doing martial arts. Bruce Lee did not grab somebody by his gi and throw him on the ground, right? Jet Lee, Bruce Lee, they wait, the person comes at them and they move to the side, have a motion with their hand or their foot or something. That actually causes the other person to fall themselves. So it's not an aggressive act. It's a defensive posture without being defensive. Now, we mentioned earlier that you wrote a book Leaving the Gilded Cage to try to show people how to leave their own self-imposed social imprisonment and live their own life. And that's kind of what we've been talking about. Now, you wrote a second book that's coming out soon called Arriving with Open Wings. What's that about? Well, after we leave the cage, which means basically that we've become aware of our programs and our tapes that run us, we are often, I was, very excited about going into the world in a different way. And as soon as something happened, disappointment, a little failure and incomplete success, I went right back into my old pattern of blaming the other person or getting down on myself. And what we really need to be doing, and the book is about striving with each disappointment, each change to trust ourselves more, acknowledge our feelings and go with an open heart into situations. Our heart, not our human heart, but our soul's heart will, our intuition will never lead us astray. Our mind gets involved. And the mind is run by the ego. It's not a bad thing. It was there for a purpose. That gilded cage that we were in was the safety of what the ego used to tell us. Don't play in the rain. Don't dance in the rain. Don't go out in the rain because you're gonna get sick. And then the little, the deeper soul inside goes, yeah, but it's so much fun. And again, joy becomes the barometer. So arriving with open wings is to be mindful and aware that things are gonna happen. And we can move through them. And we will move through them even more gracefully if we're paying attention. And I wonder, does growing up in Hawaii have any effect on all of that to you? Or is there some relationship between, you talked about Hawaii and maybe the feelings that we have about not being naughty or not saying things bad about people. How does that fit in here? Oh, it definitely shapes one because there are tribal beliefs, cultural beliefs, familial beliefs. And I think growing up also as the child of immigrants, if you will, we were, my brother and I were expected to be citizens of the world. And so my father traveled with us a lot every summer. And learning other languages, knowing about other people built a better understanding of humanity, I think, for me. And so when we talk about growing and changing, it really depends on the extent of our own willingness to self-reflect and to take a look at ourselves and see what works, what doesn't work. Okay, now, we have talked about learning to dance to the tune that makes us joyful. We're coming up on Thanksgiving. And that's kind of why I wanted to do this program. What are you thankful for during these crazy times? I mean, we are going through stressful strain of COVID and bad economy and the political dissension. What do you look for and what are you thankful for during these crazy times? Well, the first thing I'm thankful for is that you're doing this program when you're asking me today, not eight months ago. Because I was in major resistance and fear, like everyone else. What I'm most thankful for, of course, is my son. My heart would have stopped beating years ago, if not for him. I'm thankful for everyone like yourself who's engaged in facilitating and assisting people to think about what they think about and to really come from what the Buddhists call their Buddha nature. Compassion, forgiveness, love, and to trust themselves. We've been so taught not to love ourselves. That's an educational phenomenon in the Western world. And if we can come to the place where we're just grateful for everything, I'm so happy when it rains because that means I don't have to water my yard. I'm really, really happy when my dog comes and sits next to me. So finding something, and I have a gratitude journal, every night I write down three things that I'm grateful for. Sometimes it's just I'm really grateful that the mailman came and didn't bring me a bill. The small things that matter that add up sometimes are what's important. And we have just about a minute left in that time. I mean, are those your words of advice for people as they deal with life now and into the future? Is that kind of where you're coming from? Is that what you'd tell them or what would you tell them? Let me ask you that question. I guess three things to wrap it up. One, to love yourself first and find that self-compassion. Look at all of the things that you have gone through in your life and you're still here. The second thing would be to be mindful of what we say, what we do, how we interact with people. And if there is a situation that is not comfortable, that is not within your music repertoire, to be willing to let it go. And the third thing is as we let things go, let them go without anger, without fear. And to know that the next thing is coming around the corner and let's be curious about it. So I'm curious what my next role is in the world. Well, Lila, thank you so much for being my guest today on this program and we're right before Thanksgiving. I think it's a good time for us all to reflect and to all of us thinking about dancing in the rain. And I appreciate your time, Lila Berg, Aloha. And I look forward to watching you dance in the rain and I will try to learn how to dance in the rain also. Just come out and play, that's all. Aloha. Aloha.