 She's a regular contributor to out and around Huffington Post and lesbian.com where she writes from the crossroads of parenthood Suburbia and Les Burbia. They just made that up. Please welcome Cheryl Dumas-Nell. I moved out of San Francisco 14 years ago to the suburbs to shack up with my wife and When you do that when you move to the suburbs from San Francisco You have to turn in your queer credibility card at the westernmost point of the Bay Bridge It was a sad adjustment for me But we were able to come back into town a lot and bask in queer culture Until we had two kids and now my life revolves around about five mile radius from my house most days So it's a real treat to be here And queer literature really has become so much more important to me now probably than it ever has been in my life because When I'm waiting for my car to be washed or I'm waiting in the lobby of The dojo or I'm waiting in the lobby of the place for my kids to take music lessons Or I'm waiting waiting waiting in all these places. I can open a book like Valencia or like Cha-ching and It's like putting on an oxygen mask So thank you supporters of queer literature and makers of queer literature who are here tonight because it's really making a difference I'm sure and not just my life And many people's lives who are in far more dire Situations than mine being in the suburbs 35 miles away from San Francisco So I am going to read Well the creek in the house I Am going to read from my memoir You know, I mean the only lesbian cred I have It's the WC The only lesbian cred I have is that I drive a Subaru with like athletic equipment in the back But it's my kids athletic equipment. So it just it doesn't even count. I Am the official scorekeeper for the little league team though. So that's kind of cool I'm gonna read from a time when I was trying to become a parent from the memoir that Michelle mentioned love song for baby X and I'm gonna read from the end. We're gonna enter the story when I'm in hour 24 of labor with my first son trying to be born The first 24 hours weren't that bad really and then he got super serious about showing up And that's where this chapter starts. I'll mention two names one is Tracy and that's my wife and the other is Tina And she's the doula who we hired to help us during the birth Crescendo Red stop lights green go lights flashing orange construction barricade lights reflected off the black asphalt our darkened windshield White lights flickering like fireflies in the trees as Tracy drove stop go stop go stop go taking back streets to the hospital Three blocks away from our destination my contractions shifted from the slicing pain of cervix dilation To the downward pressure of a waterfall the undeniable urge to push Not wanting to flip Tracy's panic switch. I kept this information to myself When Tracy parked the car curbside I opened my door swung my feet out onto the sidewalk and stood up just in time for my water to break Soaking my clothes splashing onto the concrete Sluicing into the gutter chased by a contraction that ran through me like a river urgent to flush that baby out out Out I raised one finger in the air and said I'm pushing then fell into Tracy's body Wrapping my arms around her neck boring my head into her shoulder bearing down into the pressure riding that river I couldn't not push. I became part of this force like a god hand pressing down on the baby fighting to set him free and Then Tina's car pulled up behind ours Tracy yelled over my head She's pushing Tina ran to the ER to get the wheelchair, but the contraction was ending So I stood up straight and told Tracy. It's okay. Let's go in We made it five steps toward the automatic doors be took for the next contraction Thundered in tens of thousands of pounds of water crashing through me rushing down to get this baby out out out as that contraction ended Tina arrived with an ER attendant Offering me a wheelchair with a wire mesh seat that looked like a medieval torture device. No way I shook my head. I'm walking in Then I told my ghost-faced wife. I'm okay. Let's go But someone lowered my body back into that seat and off we rolled each rattle and bumps stabbing through me as I closed My eyes and whispered to our baby hang in there little guy. It's gonna be okay, and We were okay better than okay Maybe this was a gift of having three miscarriages a gift of having spent months fearing I would never get to this place when active labor finally charged up. It was like a blessing a privilege I had earned over the past two years. I'd had so many dreams about labor About showing up at the hospital months too early only to be sent home About rushing into the maternity warn certain my baby was coming then finding out. I wasn't actually pregnant at all About watching my friend give birth while I stood by stroking my own empty belly Those dreams had ended in a disappointment so thick it tasted like dirt But now that birth was finally taking my body over for real I praised every single contraction that brought our baby forward. I was never not even once not even for a second afraid I Wasn't oblivious though to the fact that others were scared when my wheelchair sped into labor and delivery Tina called out to the nurses at the reception desk. She's pushing and all hell broke loose Someone yelled room three take her to room three a flurry of pastel colored scrubs blurred around me as they wheeled me into the room Nurses rushed to prepare the space throwing open curtains slamming drawers ripping open glove packs tearing down bed sheets After 24 plus hours laboring in meditative privacy at home this sudden burst of anxiety It was the last thing I wanted So I stood up out of my wheelchair raised my hands in the air and said in my calmest possible voice Well, everyone please slow down Please and they did Somehow bone deep I knew we would have enough time Knew that we were going to be just fine birth had finally arrived and all I had to do was follow her lead Which I did over and over again as each contraction consumed me I lost my conscious self to a frenzied dance with the birth beast lost all contact with my Surroundings with Tracy holding my hand with Tina standing guard with the nurses doing their nursing things Then the contraction eased smitting spitting me back into the room bug-eyed and endorphin high Giddily chattering to Tracy may I have some ice chips, please. Oh good. I said, please. I'm so glad I'm still polite I didn't want to be one of those mean cussing laboring women ice chips. Thanks Tina shook her head smiling and orphans are a good thing Aren't they I chirped before the ice could melt in my mouth another contraction hit like a badly timed wave Okay, baby. Here comes another one. I said then I spit out the ice and I was gone toppled like a wiped out surfer clawing for air Jump cuts That's how my memory of birth plays 30 second fragments of bell bright clarity spliced by tornado blurs The clarity of those moments between contractions still stuns me that I could recite my medical record number by rote That I could go toe-to-toe with a by-the-books nurse quoting midwifery guru I know may gaskin to convince her not to stick an IV in my arm That I could talk to my baby as I watched a mirror in a mirror the crown of his beat-red head Retreating behind the closing eyelid of my vagina that I could say wrong way kiddo wrong way and clench my muscles to push him back Where he had been then laugh as the next contraction sucked me into its rip side Though the contractions loosened my grip on everything else that communication with baby boy never wavered and fear never showed up Not even when I heard the words heart rate Dropping then saw in that mirror the midwife tickling babies partially exposed scalp Then heard the amplified rhythm of his heartbeat rev back up. Don't worry. I told Tracy. I've read about this It's normal then back to baby. You're doing great little guy. You're doing just fine now here comes another one and then I threw my head back and roared as the next wave Barreled through with each contraction that birth force grew stronger pulling me into its vortex each time And just when I thought it would swallow me when I thought that I would disappear into its black hole for good I heard the midwife's voice break through whoa, whoa stop pushing But I couldn't pull back the forward motion that power raging through so much larger than me No matter seconds later. I heard a call take him take him and my hands reached blindly out Hooking under two oil slick bird wings his two slippery arms, and then it happened I pulled him on to my chest our purple and screaming baby our naked and flailing baby Our baby with the skin pinking up like a sunrise Erasing the night as his body curled into mine and his mouth broke open into a wounded animals Howl and then I started laughing Watching this squirming newborn wild with hunger presses mouth into my flesh work his lips against my ribs Already rooting for milk and then Tracy started laughing and then the entire birth team started laughing and then I was crying saying I can't believe you're here. He's here. I can't believe you're here While a nurse tucked warmed blankets around his body tending him in the heat rising off my skin I lifted baby boy toward my breast. Let me help you as his mouth sealed around my nipple His cloudy eyes opened and looked into mine. You're here. I whispered. I grabbed Tracy's hand, babe He's here Thank you Cheryl do miss nil. Thank you so much for coming all the way out from Walnut Creek. Thank you