 I'm so lonely. Anybody else lonely? The other night I was downtown talking to a homeless guy and he was like, well, I'm excited to be here tonight, folks. I'm harder than a vegan scone right now. I'm doing good tonight, you guys. I'm feeling good. I'm wearing my lucky underwear tonight. Yeah, I like to think that they're the ones who found me out there on that sidewalk. Hey, folks, my farts have gotten a lot quieter since I pooped out that whistle. All right, I was late tonight, folks. It took a while to get my guard field nightgown tucked down into my jeans. I also had to get some before photos retaken again. My set tonight is brought to you by Tupperware. Oops, all lids. And by the Kia Soul, the only other car parked at the adult bookstore. It's a beautiful night for comedy, isn't it? Give it up for the River Cargis. I'm with my high school bullies, a wake-up schedule. I'm glad this pandemic is wrapping up, right, folks? Right? Where hocus pocus is sold out at the drive-in. Times are tough for a lot of folks still, right? Times are tough. Not me, though. I'll be OK. I got a whole freezer full of stolen Halloween candy. My nephew's in high school right now. And he was recently forced to transition to online bullying. He's dyslexic, so it's been rough. Times are tough. I'm going to move this out of the way. I like coming up here to Lewiston. I do. I came up here once a couple of years ago. And since then, I've absolutely had to come back as often as I can to see my son. You folks like to have fun? Halloween, I went as the guy whose wallet I found. Hey, guys, according to my Fitbit, I did about three miles worth of scissor kicks last night during my night terrors. A high school teacher once gave me a piece of advice. She said, if you're not a student, then you need to leave. I guess he was like, that was just yesterday. The other day, an attractive young lady asked me if I wanted to go to a movie. And I was like, all right, what movie, what time. And she's like, you pick. And I'm like, you pick. She's like, you pick. And I'm like, you pick. She's like, you pick. And I'm like, you pick. She's like, you pick. And I'm like, you pick. She's like, you pick. And I'm like, you pick. She's like, you pick. And I'm like, you pick. She's like, you pick. She's like, you pick. And I'm like, you pick. She's like, you pick. And I'm like, you pick. She's like, you pick. And I'm like, you pick. And she's like, sir, there are other people waiting in line. The hardest part for me about going to a laser light show is trying to get all my cats to sit still. Is it still bestiality if you're just making out? She was purring the whole time. Hey guys, how many cats is too many cats? How many cats is too many cats? How many cats is too many cats? Is it when all the ones at the bottom are dead? I recently built a time machine for one of my cats. Sent him back in time to try and kill Hitler's cats. Did some research afterwards? Found out Hitler never even had a cat. So the mission accomplished, I guess. That's good to be here. It's $12 beer night tonight. I was recently forced to move out of my apartment in New York City due to unhealthy levels of Cheetos dust. It's not easy living in New York City, folks, especially for me. You know, it's hard to cut a pizza on an air mattress. I lived in Brooklyn for two years. I spent living there with a multi-generational family of fruit flies. You guys, what if it's the other way around? What if my urine smells like the subway? Come on! I think I figure New York City out, folks. I think I get it now. Celebrities are like their dear. The first time you see one, it's pretty cool. After a while, you hit one with your car and you just keep driving. Originally from South Dakota, a place where people get tasered on their birthdays. Anybody ever been to South Dakota? One person? Due to our lax motorcycle helmet loss, South Dakota is a state filled with single mothers and deer. They're not wearing masks back home, but they have been practicing emotional distancing. Don't judge South Dakota, folks. They just passed a law where you cannot smoke in a daycare center unless they put in slot machines. There's not a whole lot going on in South Dakota, folks. You might not believe that, but it's true. There's not a whole lot going on. One time I fell asleep while driving in South Dakota and eventually just ran out of gas. Only time I've ever been in North Dakota. There's not a whole lot going on in North Dakota either, folks. The urinal at Buffalo Wild Wings is the state's tallest waterfall. Our leading cause of death in South Dakota should be heart disease, but instead it's fireworks. We got a real problem with wolf overpopulation happening on our t-shirts. Folks, I grew up in a town of mostly fireworks widows. I'm from a tiny little town. Anybody else from a tiny little town? Yeah, tiny little town, smaller than this. Like, we had a post office, a grocery store, a pizza place, a clothing store, a video store, a tanning salon, a mechanic, a liquor store, and a casino. All in the same gas station. Just a tiny little town. We had a teenage mayor for a while. What are you going to do? He won the arm wrestling contest. Growing up I was a tornado baby. Technically I was born in Gettysburg, South Dakota, but I landed a few towns over. And much like a tornado my real dad wasn't in town for long, but he destroyed a lot of property. You guys, my mom has always told me that out of all of her children I was the easiest one to give birth to. Because that was back when you could still smoke in an Arby's. She didn't even have to clock out. My older brother was actually born via water birth, or whatever that blue liquid is they put in the bottom of porta potties. Calm down folks, he's doing okay. My older brother was actually the first person in our family to go to college. He went to community college. He majored in sports medicine. He got a job right away, so we did a frisbee course. I was a poor kid. Anybody else grow up poor? Sucks growing up poor, right? You grow up poor if you've ever walked down the ladder of your bunk bed to your parents having sex. My last family reunion was also a custodial staff photo. Sucks growing up poor. My parents used to hide us in the trunk of their car and sneak us into the drive-in movies. At least that's where it sounded like we were at anyways. Sucks growing up poor. Growing up I attended Gettysburg Elementary School in Gettysburg, South Dakota which Playboy magazine called one of the top party elementary schools in the United States. I was a chubby kid. I've been chubby my whole life. In junior high I was grounded for a month because my mom found a stack of menus under my bed. Boobs in the fourth grade. At first only the older boys noticed. In school I was grown up, I was bullied by a younger kid which was hard for me, especially after I graduated. We had the weekends but it just wasn't the same. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up. I spent a lot of time in my room fucking my t-shirt. I had to get out of South Dakota, you guys. I'd let things cool off after I'd won that knife at the fair. I had to get out of my hometown. You can only watch your weed dealer become your stepdad so many times. So I'm following these teenagers on TikTok into the park the other night. Some of you folks are Generation Z which means that your dad's never came back one night after going out to buy a pack of pooping carts. I was young once. I went to college. I attended the University of South Dakota which is considered to be one of the colleges in that strip mall. It took me six years to graduate from college. I could have done it in four but I was finishing up some Napster downloads. I recently celebrated my 43rd birthday, folks. Thank you. I got my government-issued Steely Dance Grazed Hit CD in the mail. I had a pretty good birthday this year. I wasn't sure if Tomino's would even deliver it to a porta-potty. Do I have any regrets in life now that it's kind of wrapping up? Sure I do. I probably should have never tied my car keys to that bird. I'm going to need a ride home. I'm 43 and for those of you with social media that means I'm interested but not going. I'm surviving though, you know? You folks surviving? I've been trying to find the right time to bring up my atheism in these drive-through orders. I'm 43. I've just been slowly paying off my student lunch debt from elementary school. I got a weird life, you know? I got a real weird life. I don't have any kids but I am going to my weed dealer's high school graduation. We're all real proud of you, Derek. Let me know when you get into pharmacy school. I'm 43. The only time I ever feel like an adult is when I'm buying weed with a debit card. Yeah. I don't know if you folks have noticed but since the pandemic I've been cutting my own hair and sometimes right before I do it I like to sit on my hand for half an hour. That way it feels like somebody else is doing it. Anyway folks, speaking of masturbation the other night I fell asleep while masturbating. Almost drove into that ditch. It's not funny that I've been my third DWM one. One more thing I'm going to make it so the car won't start while somewhere in boxing gloves. I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea by the family across the street. Pretty liberal person, you know? I had voted for Obama a third time but they hadn't caught me. My mom calls me every day and she didn't used to but now she works for Wells Fargo. I don't have a lot of goals in life folks. Maybe just to live like halfway between a Wendy's and a hospital. You know, I'm getting old and I'm not as old as some of you but I'm feeling old already. I'm starting to look like a guy who doesn't normally get a lot of trick-or-treaters. It's weird getting old. Last summer I brought a camping chair to see the wood chain clamp so I'd say I'm middle aged. It's weird getting old like my butt still hurts from the last orgy. Four hours I sat there and watched. Get likes a real mystery, isn't it folks? Yeah, it is. Like when you got older you got to start solving your own mysteries. I'm working on a couple of mysteries right now. Like, why does the clock on my stove always say it's 4.50 all the time? Why is it always so goddamn hot in my apartment? It's weird getting old like yeah, it's weird. It's weird getting old like my balls are getting all tangled up like a pair of ear buds. Sometimes I like to sit on the toilet backwards so I don't have to hold my iPad. It's weird to think that one day I'm going to be an old man out in the yard shooting pizza delivery drones out of the sky. That's if I make it that long. You know, I'm not a healthy person. I'm not. I once had a Serbian dry cleaner described by Underwear as war torn. He comes out from the back like he's showing me my air filter out of Jeffy Loom. Healthy folks. Doc says I got to quit eating so much ice cream. Says that's why my poops are cold. You know, all the warning signs have been there for me for quite some time. You know, you shouldn't have to resharpen a pizza cutter. I shouldn't take more than three flushes for one pea, right? I am not healthy, folks. Can I be honest with you, folks? Can I be real with you for a second? Technically, I've never twerked before. But I have been out in the woods without any toilet paper. I lost my cell phone the other day. Has that ever happened to you, folks? You ever lose your cell phone? Sucks, doesn't it? Got up and started looking for mine. Fell up from underneath my muffin top. Good news is I also found my old phone. That explains why I was tethered to the wall by that cord for so many years. Folks, I recently caught a glimpse of my penis in some surveillance video. That thing's been lost in the cushions for years. I am not healthy. Yeah. You ever sit on a toilet seat so long you start pooping out the food you brought to the bathroom with you? I am not healthy. Last night I took a dump so big after I finished it looked up out of the toilet to see how big I was. Believe it or not, I've actually recently lost a pretty significant amount of weight, I'd say. Due to a fish dig recall I chose to ignore it. You know, I don't need to be skinny or anything. It'd just be nice to be naked without my dog barking at me. Her eyes are going bad, so she thinks I'm the portal to another dimension. Like I said, I like coming up here to Maine. It takes about three hours for me to get here from where I live in Massachusetts. Well, not Keltney hour. It takes when they stop me at the border to check me for ticks. I'm married. My wife's here tonight. My wife is also from the Midwest. She's from the paved part of Nebraska. She and I live here in New England now, and we got married for warmth. My wife's a healthy person. She's a vegetarian, but that hasn't stopped her from killing a deer every year with her minivan. Normally she and I don't eat at the same restaurants. We don't, you know. But when we do, she'll usually order a salad, I'll get whatever wins me a t-shirt. My wife's a healthy person, so she's basically pooping out hiking snacks. She always wants me to go jogging with her. I'm like, how about you just go jogging, and I'll follow you in the car. I'm like, how we met? My wife is way out of my league. Anybody else have a spouse? Way out of their league? Two people. My league, like... And I know this, because no one's ever come up to me and asked, is this girl bothering you? My wife's a teacher, and I'm a comedian, and it's not easy, you know, two people living on a teacher's salary. My wife's a teacher at a pretty prestigious college, so every day she makes me drop her off about two blocks from there. My wife's the breadwinner in our relationship. Like, she makes all the money, right honey? I want to establish that relationship. She's a breadwinner, she makes all the money, and it's great. It really is great, like, if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have the place we have, or the car we have, or the life we have, really. But if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have all these burn CDs. She and I have been together for 18 years now, and, yeah, that's a long time. The other day I bit her, it was just a warning, but she was sort of giving me to take a bath. She loves me the way 18 years she's been cutting the poop out of my fur. Wife or partner wants you to fuck them with a fruit or a vegetable. Don't just get whatever's on sale. Whenever I'm going down on my wife, obviously it's always my goal to try and get her to look up from her phone. She's getting real good at cunnilingus. She's getting real good at candy crush. 18 years is a long time to be with one person. Like, at this point, her vagina's like a vending machine that won't take my dollar. Bros often we have sex in a long time. At this point, for us, heaven's sex is a lot like trying to move a large piano into a small house. It's going to be a lot easier if I just pay two high school kids to do it. Thank you guys for being nice to me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Thanks guys. Albert, what's up guys? I'm feeling good. Spring is here. I haven't had a sip of booze in three months, you guys. I have been stoned the entire time. It's fucking baked out of my mind right now. I bear with me. What's up guys? I'm trying to get a little bit healthier than I am right now and that I have been. It's tough, it's frustrating, especially when you're a bigger guy like me. I hate talking about getting in shape with people that are already in shape that try to give you advice. They don't know what it's like to be as big as I am. They think, oh yeah, I've just got to lose. I've just got to lose about five pounds. And I'll be right summertime. I'll say, good job man. Hell yeah, if I lose five pounds, I look like I play professional darts. I look like I'm really good at aesthetic skill. I find some forms of exercise that I can do to guide my size. I actually, I get a little bit of a jump start on feeling good last year. I took my bicycle out every now and then. I rode my bike everywhere. I lived down in Portland. I got the Eastern Trail down there, rode that a lot, but by the end of the summer I got a little bit bored with it. So I decided to spice things up. The end of the summer it was fall, the leaves were starting to change. Crisp, beautiful fall air. That's why we live in Maine. By the end of the summer, before I went out on a nice 15 mile bike ride, three grams of magic mushrooms, you guys. And then I waited. I waited a half an hour because you're supposed to wait at least a half an hour after eating before doing any physical activity. So I waited and then I got on my bike. I took off. I started pedaling down the Eastern Trail and it was a beautiful day. Perfect, perfect fall day. Just looking around. I was like, wow, I can't believe I live here. This is great. I love Maine. This is awesome. I don't even care if I start tripping. This is perfect. And as soon as I had that thought, you guys, as soon as I had that thought, a single leaf floated by. And as it floated by, it looked over at me and said, see you next year, Mike. I hope so. I love riding my bike, you guys. I ride my bike everywhere. I used to live in a big, I used to live way out in Chicago. I'd ride my bike doing from work. But then I had to stop. There was one day I was riding my bike. I actually got hit by a guy driving his truck. I was going across this weird intersection. This guy just comes out of nowhere. I'm going straight. He's taking a turn. I don't know if he didn't see me or not. I'm pretty big, you know. And I slammed right in the front of his truck. My bike goes flying across the five-way intersection. I could see everyone just going, ooh. Nobody gets out to help. I'm just like, oh, man. And I hear, not even the guy that hit me. The guy that hit me. I just hear him in his truck going, fuck. So I just kind of popped up. You got me good though, man. The guy pulls up next to me in his truck, rolls his window down. He goes, are you all right? I said, I think so. He goes, all right, man. All right, good luck. And he drives away. Drive good luck. That's the best you could do. It was good luck. I'm standing in the middle of the street just like, you don't see me. What? You're driving off right now? I couldn't believe it. I was pissed. I was furious. I was like, did anybody get a plate number? Everyone has already moved on with their day. They're driving off. And I thought, man, maybe that guy was just at the end of his rope. You know, who knows what kind of stuff he had been dealing with, where he was going. You know, I thought about that. I was like, you know, I think I can forgive him. I hope you guys could. Maybe we're not all perfect. I know I'm not perfect. There was one time, back when I was living in Chicago, I was driving to work. Came across this weird five-way intersection. And this guy came out of nowhere on a bike. And I was going straight. He was turning. No, he was going straight. I was making a turn. And I fucking hit this guy head on and his bike goes flying across the five-way intersection. And I could see everybody in their cars like, ooh. No one's getting out to help. And I'm like, pop this up. It's like, it's all right. I said, you all right, man? And the guy goes, I think so. And I didn't know what to do. I panicked. I said, all right, man. I'm glad you're okay. Good luck. And I drove away. I looked in my rear view mirror. The guy's gone. Nothing like, nothing like it being a crime in front of an audience. I don't care. You guys, Chicago cops, it happened about 10 years ago. They never found me. Chicago cops. They never realized two times when I was living in Chicago and neither time that the cops were no help at all. They show up. They just walk in. Oh, yeah, you know, same. Yeah, okay. Yeah, you know, I've been working. Yeah, I've been working this area for about 15 years. It's been happening the whole time. It's all right, man. You keep up the good work. You appreciate that. So, yeah, I moved back to Maine. I'm much happier in Maine. I've been living in Maine. Most of my life, I grew up in Maine around all these salt of the earth mayors. My great-uncle, Dick. My great-uncle, Dick, he had seen it all, done it all. World War II survivor. Pearl Harbor survivor. He witnessed Pearl Harbor. It was crazy. The guy rest his soul. He's no longer with us, but he's got a lot of life lessons. He's one of those guys. He's one of those old mayors that's always on to something. He's got his answer for everything. You know, he had a leaky roof that he never fixed. And I used to always give him ships. Dick, you've got to fix your roof. This is leaking every time. I don't know. It only leaks when it's raining. I guess you're right. I tried to give him a cinnamon raisin bagel one time for breakfast. He looked at it and took one bite. He's Christ. He's donating too damn good, aren't he? No, Dick, it's just bread and raisins. There's only a little bit of cinnamon in those. But my uncle Dick was great. He took me up to camp up in Harlem, Maine every summer, every summer. In the summer that I turned 18, it was incredible. He took me. He called me up. He called me. I was like, Mike, what are you doing this weekend? Bring some of your buddies up to camp. We'll have a great weekend. I was like, hell yeah. So I rounded up some friends. We went up to camp. My uncle Dick's already there, sitting on the porch. Oh Christ, you boys are just in time for the sunset. Come on in, grab a beer and have a seat. And we're like, oh, do you have beer? He goes, no. He said, well, Dick, I'm only 18. I can't buy beer. He goes, what? You're 18? You're old enough to fight for your country? I agree, Uncle Dick. But unfortunately, the cashier at the store does not. He says, well, I'm going to take care of this right now. Without really saying a word. He gets in his truck and drives off. He sticks his head off the window. He goes, what do you boys drink for beer anyway? And we're just like, I'll put like, put like. We'll see if we can do a little bit better than that. About 10 minutes later, he comes back with 230 racks of old Milwaukee. Want any chance? Let me drink all night, you guys. We drank and drank and drank until finally we all passed out. In the next morning, I woke up to the sound and smell of somebody cooking bacon. And it was the first time in my life of the smell of bacon. Just man, you want to puke? And I went downstairs. My Uncle Dick's in the middle of the kitchen. Oh, I don't know about you, Mike, but I slept right. No, Dick, all I want to do is throw up right now when I can. Just leave me alone. Just let me have my morning. I'm going to fit you up right now. He runs off into the kitchen, grabs all kinds of stuff by ear, rustling around. That's a good one. That's a good one. He comes back with a single egg, a glass, a bottle of vinegar, some salt and some pepper. I'm going to terrify you guys. Little by little, he starts mixing it together. He takes the egg, sprinkles it in, a little salt, a little pepper, about a quarter cup on that again. You can eyeball it. It's exactly what he did. Am I supposed to drink this? If you want to feel better. When I drink it down, feel worse. I run out of the camp as fast as I can where the water meets the land and everything that I need in my entire life. Just came up with one of the most beautiful euphoric feelings that I've ever felt. It was like my Uncle Dick. It was like my Uncle Dick had fed me backwards ayahuasca, you guys. It was a beautiful moment and I woke up about 20 minutes later. The sun was rising and I looked around. It was actually a dragonfly hatching right next to me. I couldn't believe it. It's a beautiful miracle of life. I don't know if you guys know what dragonflies are. They're B-52 flies. And after his wings, half-curse wings dried off, he took off. Hell yeah, man. In a low-hanging tree branch, after the dragonfly took off, a bird wept off the branch and swooped in and snatched the dragonfly out of mid-air. I couldn't believe it. I was like, what the fuck is that? I guess I've been watching the entire time on the front porch just chimed in under his breath. Yeah, life is short. Life is short, you guys. But it's spring. It's spring. We're all feeling good. Hopefully getting over COVID. Life is short, but life is pretty fucking beautiful, you guys. Hope you agree and hope you have a good night. Thank you. Why do you think Tiana posted that? Because she's upset. But honestly, I'm not about to step down as diversity club president just because she's black. No, you're right. I wouldn't do that either. That's not fair to you. You've put so much work in. Honestly, I'm not even going to open her DM. I'm just not here for the drama. Hey, do you mind if I bother you for a sec just to sign a petition for me? Sorry, but we're running into our movie. Are you not aware that the world is on fire? Excuse me? Look around you. The smoke is everywhere. The kids are dying in the streets and mothers are burying their children far too early. And what are you doing? No offense, dude, but you don't know anything about me. Let me guess. You're woke, right? I'm not going to let someone like you talk to me like that. You have a good night. Thanks for choosing Cineworld. Enjoy your movie. Welcome to Cineworld where we make your cinematic dreams come true. What have we seen today, ladies? We have two tickets to Nightmare. Nightmare, taking a little ride on the wild side. I haven't seen it myself yet, but all my friends tell me that it really takes you for a trip. Let me get those seats for you. We're really excited. Cool. So I'm going to give you the best seats in the house. You're going to have the optimal view. You'll be able to have your full engaging Cineworld experience. So your tickets, you're going to be in Cineworld right behind you over here. Before you go, it's because I'm feeling kind of generous. I'm going to give you a large round of horn. Here you go. Enjoy your movie. Thank you. Hey, Carly, I wasn't rude back there, was I? To the guy outside? No, he was a jerk. It's just that I'm tired of being discriminated against based on how I look. Like, what more is there for me to do? Stace, I wouldn't even worry about it. Honestly, you're like the most woke person I know. That guy's probably not even from around here. Uh, excuse me, those are our seats. Not to be that guy, but this theater is literally empty. You can sit anywhere. Sit next to me. Okay, but we paid for our seats. I get that. I paid my money too, but what's the big deal? Just sit with me. We'll watch it together. Do I need to talk to your manager? Ah, cool. Chill. I'll move. Enjoy your movie. Oh my God. I completely forgot to ask for butter on my popcorn. It's no biggie. You'll be fine. I need butter. You know this. I'll be quick. Don't leave me alone with that guy. Hurry up! I know you. I've seen you before. The complacent savior fuses to acknowledge the cries of the listening. But you close your eyes. Choosing to advocate for freedom with your family is not your problem. It's a nightmare. It's a racism. We'll be okay. We'll be okay. There's a lot more in store for you. I know that your friend isn't coming back, so I figured I'll keep you company.