 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. The all enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Roos and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Once upon a time, this was the newest car on the road. But that was long ago, and today it sounds pretty old-fashioned when you compare it with a modern car. Yes, a lot of things that once were new are now considered old-fashioned. For example, remember when folks talk about their television set like this? Yep, got me a brand new TV set, and it's a big one. It's got a 12-inch screen. Yes, times have certainly changed. Today, folks know their small screen set is old-fashioned, and that's why they're moving up to big-screen RCA Victor television. Now, hold on, sonny. What's the matter, dad? When you start talking about big-screen television, you're talking about the thing I love, big money. Well, dad, I think you'll be happy to know you're wrong. Huh? You can enjoy 21, 24, 27-inch TV at the lowest prices in RCA Victor history. The lowest, huh? That's right. And with these lowest prices, RCA Victor brings you such exclusive advances as the magic monitor, golden throat fidelity sound, automatic tuning, and... Keep talking, you got me hypnotized. And remember, a factory service contract for expert installation and maintenance is available in almost all TV areas, only to RCA Victor television owners. That settles it. I'm going to see my RCA Victor dealer tomorrow. Do that. And you'll see why more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. As you all know, the 20th of June is Father's Day. But unfortunately, Phil Harris won't be home that day. Because, well, he figured that since Father's Day is the day when dad gets to do as he pleases, he decided he's going to go fishing. It's a little bit early, but he's already getting his equipment together. Hey, Elliott, this closet is kind of dark. Now, I know where most of my fishing gear is, so I'll hand it out to you, and we'll check it out as I give it to you, okay? Yeah, you want to be sure you got everything. I'll just stack it out here in the hall. Okay, here we go. One pair of fishing boots. One pair of fishing boots. One fly rod. One fly rod. One bottle of bourbon. One bottle of bourbon. One pair of wool socks. One pair of wool socks. One cure for rattlesnake bite. One bottle of bourbon. One chose of bourbon. Hey kirl, you're going first cabin. This is some of your fine old deluxe bourbon. Yeah. I might get bit by a fine old deluxe rattlesnake bite. Those horrible accidents happen, you know. If you're lucky. No, I gotta take my hat off to you. Hey. How you like to .... Look what I found back here in the closet. How about that? Where is it? You saw the sheet music that I've been looking for for ages. All that old song. Hey, this goes back to the days even before I played at the Ambassador Hotel. Before the coconut grove, Curly? Yeah, yeah. Let me see that song copy on the top then. Look at this song here. In this picture you're wearing a cowboy hat. Yeah, yeah. You know, I never did let it get around much. I used to do the Western song, you know. And this one right here, partner, was one of the biggest hits. It's called Come Home, Nelly, and Be My Bride. It's cold in the stable since my pinto died. It was Irving Berlin's first attempt at serious music. Well, hand me the rest of that stuff, Curly. I'll put them all together. Okay. Hey, we'll hit him in a minute. Here's a few more. Who's your little hoses? So long. Oh, long. There was a dandy. Listen to this one. Hello, Central. Give me no man's land. I want to talk to my daddy because I forgot to say goodbye to him when he left the house with his knapsack and Teddy Roosevelt, where the end of the trail meets the great divide. And you can have him. I don't want him. He's too fat for me. I was only eight years old when I first sang that song. How old were you when you finished? All right. You know, that's always been the trouble with you, Elliot. You ain't got no sentiment. Oh, yes, I have. Yeah, here's the song. It really does something to me. Remember this one, Curly? What's the name of it? 12th Street Rag. It's a two-step. Yeah, all right, all right. The hit song from the Cain Mutant. I said, all right. Humphrey Bogart sings it while he's dancing with Admiral Nimitz. Will you quit? I said, all right. Now, there ain't this rich. What's the matter? Well, I'm trying to tell you, my very best fishing reel is missing. That's what happens when you let women fool around with your fishing stuff. Just like last year, when I went up to the high sea areas and I let Alice pack for me. When I got up there, she sent me a telegram that said, Dear Phil, you're always so afraid that somebody will get into your tackle box. I put a brand new Yale lock on it, and you'll find the key pinned to your extra suit of underwear. I know what happened. I'll bet she forgot to send the underwear. No, she sent them. They were locked inside the tackle box. You finding everything, fellas? Yeah, yeah, honey. Oh, I'm sorry. Here's a fishing reel. Hey, Elliot. Yeah, okay. One fishing reel. One fishing reel. One tent pole. One tent pole. One poison oak remedy. One bottle of bourbon. Wait a minute, Phil. Wait a minute. Answer me truthfully. Does that stuff really cure a poison oak? No, it doesn't cure you. It just makes you kind of glad you got it. Hey, girl, what are these boxes back here in the corner of the closet? I don't know. Hey, yeah. Alice, what are these cardboard boxes? No, Phil. Don't open those. What do you mean, don't open them? I want to see. What are these things that... Wait a minute. A flannel night shirt, a heating pad, and a pink bed jacket. Oh, Phil, you've spoiled everything. Those were your presents for Father's Day. For Father's Day? For me? That's right. Gee, Curly, you'll love that heating pad. One of the new ones with the thermostat. Look, you can set it for warm, very warm, hot, very hot, sizzling, medium rare, and who wants an outside cut? All right, all right. Alice, these... Gee whiz. These Father's Day presents are for an old man. A pink bed jacket. Oh, but, honey, little Alice and Phyllis bought them. You know how kids are. They think everybody's old. Well, they think that Jane Russell is on her last legs. Well, if they think those are her last ones, I hope they kept the blueprints. Look, I'm not satisfied with that explanation, Alice. All right, so it'll soon be Father's Day and I'm a father, but I am not old. I am practically a rosy cheek boy. And for your information, I still can't buy the lady's home journal without a note from my mother. And every time I walk into the feed store, Mr. Quinzer turns the calendar to the wall. And another thing, just... Oh, Phyll, come on. Well, I may have a few tiny little lines in my face. Sure, I got a few, but I got them just because I'm always laughing. They're laughing... Anybody home? I brought them back. Where'd you come from? Where'd I come from? Oh, now there's a brilliant question. Here I stand with a whole salami in one hand, a cabbage under each arm. Mr. Harris is a little annoyed because the children got him this pink bed jacket for Father's Day. They got him one reason upset. I just got one with tassels. Well, now you're talking. You put them groceries in the kitchen and get out of here. I got all this fishing stuff to pack in my car for my trip over Father's. Hey, wait a minute. Oh, gee, whiz, that reminds me. I haven't bought anything for my father. That's right, you haven't, Phil. Look, I got to go downtown before I leave and get him something. I wonder what he'd like. Curly, your dad has quite a sweet tooth. Why don't you buy him a nice big box of candy? Yeah, yeah, candy's not a bad idea at that. Nice big box ought to make him kind of happy. Of course, I'll never be able to make Dad really happy. What do you mean? Well, Dad always wanted the daughter. Well, that's easy. When you take the candy over to him, why don't you wear the bed jacket? Say, kid, why don't you go into the third street tunnel and close the door? Uh-uh, they gave you for Father's Day. What are you talking about? Well, Mr. Lewis was going to get down on my company and buy you, uh-oh. Gee, was it supposed to be a surprise, Miss Faye? Yes, it was, Julius. Yeah, guess I put my foot into it that time, didn't I? Well, that's the end of my story. As the baby bear said when it sat down on the cake of ice, my tail is sold. So, uh, so that's how everything stands, huh? Mr. Lewis, uh, what did you get me for Father's Day? I would indeed be glad to show you your Father's Day gift, Curly, but I haven't bought it yet. I was figuring on sort of wandering down this afternoon and sort of looking around. Fine, fine, fine, because I think I'll go down and exchange the bed jacket. So, I think I'll just sort of wander down with you. Shall we go? Why don't we go walking tonight while the moon is shining? Be lovely light, you can tell at a glance. It's a night for romance. The night is long, skies are clear, and if you want to go walking, dear, it's delightful, it's delicious, it's lovely. I understand the reason why you're sentimental, because so am I. It's delightful, it's delicious, it's lovely. You can tell at a glance what a swell night this is for romance. You can hear the mother later murmuring more. Let yourself go, so please be sweet, my chickadee. And when I kiss you, just say to me, it's delightful, it's delicious, it's delectable, it's delirious, it's dilemma, it's delivered, it's delightful, it's de-lovely. It's delightful, it's delicious, it's delectable, it's delirious, and the night is young, the skies are clear, and if you want to go walking, dear, it's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely. I understand the reason why you're sentimental, because so am I. It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely. You can tell at a glance what a swell night this is for romance. You can hear the mother later murmuring more. Let yourself go, so please be sweet, my chickadee, and when I kiss you, just say to me, it's delightful, it's delicious, it's delectable, it's delirious, it's dilemma, it's deliver, it's deluxe, it's de-lovely. There you go, shopping. Look at the crowd in this store. Look, Elliot, do me a favor, don't get lost with it or not. Just stick with me for a few minutes until I exchange this pink fed jacket. You know, I'm, I'm kind of ashamed, you know, grown man. I'm embarrassed, you know, walking and exchanging a bed jacket, so, look, just stay with me, will you, and give me a little courage? You go ahead, Curly, I'm with you all the way. How do you do it? May I help you, sir? Oh, I see you have something to exchange. What is it? Uh, can't you change it without looking at it? Well, of course not. What is it? Well, it's, it's like, well, it's, uh, well, it's kind of a sort of, Curly, take my thumb out of your mouth and tell the lady. Well, this thing I brought back is... Oh, well, I'll just unwrap it. Well, it's a lovely pink bed jacket. Yeah, yeah, that's what it is. You see, uh, my two little girls bought it for their mother for a present. You see, uh, their mother is, is their mother and, and I'm the father and, and, and the mother's my wife. Well, nothing like knowing where you stand. Now, just, uh, what was wrong with the bed jacket? Well, that's, oh yeah, uh, it's the wrong size. It's too small. Too small? You mean to say that your wife is bigger than a size 48? She's pretty husky gal, all right. Well, I've never heard of a woman this big. What does she do for a living? Do? Uh, she works at the yellow cab company. When the cabs come in, she turns them upside down and shakes them to see if there's any loose change in the seats. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Thanks, Ellen. Now, how about giving me a credit slip, lady? I got, I got to do some more shopping. Yeah, well, very well. Here you are, sir. Thank you, man. Hey, you got rid of the pink bed jacket. Look, I got $14 in credit to spend on my old man. Hey, incidentally, Elliott, shall we go over now and pick out the present Alice gave you the money to buy something for me for, for Father's Day? No, no, that wouldn't be fair to Alice. It's got to be a surprise. I'll meet you later. Hey, but wait a minute. No, no. Well, he'll probably pick out something nice. Now, let me see. What can I get for my dad? I just want... Oh, Miss, can you tell me where the men's furnishings are? Oh, yes. You walk through ladies ready to wear, pass ladies lingerie, then through the debutante shop, where the fashion models are modeling the latest bikini bathing suits, and just beyond is men's furnishings. Do you think you'll find it? Sure. But it'll be uphill all the way. Thank you, Miss. Well, let's see. Say I have it. Maybe your father would like a necktie like this. No, no. Look, I'm afraid not. See, that's too bright, not dignified enough. Well, one of these lounge jackets? This is very conservative. Oh, no. See, that's not conservative. Not enough for my father. You see, my dad is very dignified. Well, I give up, Mr. Harris. What did you give him last year? A pogo stick. It's the only safe method for crossing the Hollywood freeway. He crosses the freeway on a pogo stick? Uh-huh. Them hot rods don't even bother with you. They think you've been hit already. Now, let's see. If I had like some nice handkerchief, monogram, uh-oh, here comes Elliot. Hey, look, mister, I want you to do me a favor now. This fella coming is a friend of mine, see, and he's going to buy a present for me, and I'd appreciate it if you steered him in to something expensive. Yes, sir, you can count on me. And look, I'm going to get down underneath the counter. I want to be here. I want to see this. Hey, Clark. Yes, may I help you? Yeah. I'd like to buy something special for a very special friend of mine. I don't know exactly what he'd like, so why don't you name a few things and I'll tell you whether you're hot or cold. Very well. Would he like a tennis racket? No, no, you're cold. Very cold. How about some bowling shoes? No, you're freezing. You're in Alaska. A game of scrabble. No, that's even colder. You're in Greenland. Well, how about a nice set of the encyclopedia? No, no. Now you're in Iceland. Well, then how about a nice silver-plated corkscrew? Well, here we are in sunny Spain. Just how much is this corkscrew? That's a dollar and 46 cents. No, that's too expensive. You got anything cheaper? All right, hold it. That does it. What are you telling this guy, Elliot? Curly. What are you doing back there? I'm glad it was back there. It's a good way to find out who your friends are. How can you chisel on buying a present when you're not even spending your own money? Well, I'm just trying to economize a little bit. Oh, Elliot, what is there about you that keeps you from going first class? What are you talking about? Don't deny it. Every time you give me a present, you try and save money. I haven't forgotten that bicycle incident. You've got your bicycle, didn't you? Yeah, but you didn't have to buy it on the installment plan. Some bicycle, they send me one piece of it every month. I still haven't got the seat. No seat? What do you do? I keep peddling all the time. And the other day, I forgot and sat down. So? I wouldn't answer that for a million dollars. All right, Curly. You tell me what you want for Father's Day. Now you're being sensible. I'm a picture actor now, and I realize that my education has been neglected. And I want something that'll improve my mind, like books. Oh, that's a capital idea. Yes, I have the top three scientific nonfiction books right here. Here's Professor Hartwell's treatise on the metaphysical aspects of the Freudian theory, Gilfoyle's dissectional study of Terakwiyas omniscience, Taylor's pursuit and isolation of the pathological seismoscope. Well, Mr. Harris, which one do you think you'd like? I'll go put a couple more nickels in the park. Come back! Come on, let's go. Thank you very much, Mr. Look, Elliot, on the way out of the store, maybe I can find something I want. All right. Look, Alice, I hope the children won't mind, but I took back that pink bed jacket. No, they won't mind, honey, as long as you're happy. What did you finally get? Well, listen to this. I combined the money from the bed jacket and the money that you gave Elliot, and I bought something that I have wanted for years. It's a set of fencing swords, and I got a book of instructions. Well, fencing swords. Sure, honey. All the he-men in Hollywood have them. Well, they not only keep your waistline down, but they teach you the art of self-defense. Hey, honey, just look at the whip in this blade. Spread out, everybody. I'm getting the hang of this thing now. Oh, I'd like to have a duel with Errol Flynn. I'd run my trusty blade clear through his little black book. All right, on guard there. Hey, up on the table. Up on the stairs. Take that. And that. Down off the stairs. I'll get you this time. Take that. And that. That did it. I got him right between the eyes. Go ahead and die. Die. What's the matter, Alice? Is he seeing those things again? Hello, Dad. Hello, Dad. Hi, Mr. Harrison. No. No, Dad, I... Look, don't get the wrong impression. You see, these are dueling swords, and I got them, and I... Well, you don't have to tell me what they are, son. I'm familiar with all kinds of cutlery. You know, when I was in show business, that's how I met your mother. She was a knife thrower. Gee, I never knew that Mom was a knife thrower. Neither did I, until I came in late one Saturday night. I didn't want to tell her where I'd been, but she finally pinned me down. You know, Dad, I think you make those stories up. No, I don't, Alice, honey. We had a big act, filled the mother and I. I used to stand in front of a large board, and then I'd tell jokes while she threw the knives at me. Worked out real good, till one night she forgot to wear glasses. One of the knives she threw cut my suspenders. Collie, Dad, what happened? I'm not sure, but I told my first joke in the theater, and my second one at the police station. Look, Dad, I don't want to change the subject, but what's that package you brought with you? Oh, that's the little something your mother sent you for Father's Day. Your mother loves you, son. I know she does, Dad. I know it's the only thing right here. While when you were a little tight crawling around the floor, I used to tell her not to let you do it. I said if that boy puts his little finger in the light socket, those 110 volts are liable to kill him. Your mother lets you put your finger in there all you want. That's dangerous, Dad. Did I ever put my finger in the light socket? Oh, yes, it was terrible. I'd have gone for help, but I was reading and you threw such a nice light. Here's your present. Your mother made it for you. My mother made it for me? Oh gee, well, let me open it. Oh, Dad, it's a pink bed jacket. Yes, your mother loves you, son. Take a look in your right hand pocket. Right hand pocket? Dad, a full cord. I love you too, son. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. Like any fine instrument, a television set is no better than the care you give it. And when your RCA Victor television set is cared for by RCA's own technicians, you know your set is getting America's finest television service. Remember, only RCA Victor television owners can get RCA factory service, and that service is no farther away than the telephone. The moment your RCA Victor set needs service or adjustment, look in the yellow pages of your phone directory for the number of the RCA service company branch nearest you. And when the RCA technician visits your home to service your set, ask him about an RCA Victor factory service contract. That contract, plus RCA Victor television, gives you America's finest combination. But whether you have a contract or not, remember, you can always get RCA service on RCA Victor television. Insist on it. America's finest television deserves America's finest service. Well, I guess you know by now, folks, the June 20th is Father's Day. And I don't mind saying that after being kicked around all year, we fathers deserve a little attention. Oh, Phil, you don't know how good you've got it. Why, with birds, the father bird has to sit on the eggs. Would you sit on the eggs? Sure. If you don't mind scramble children. Good night. Good night, everybody. Encoded in this program transcribed by Mary Jane Croft, Dick LeGrand, and Hi, EverBang, the part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Get your portable radio set for summer fun. Take it to your radio service man. He knows portable's best. And if your portable needs fresh batteries, chances are he'll recommend RCA batteries. They're radio engineered for extra listening hours. Your radio man has an RCA battery to fit virtually every portable radio. Insist on dependable RCA batteries in the familiar red, white, and black carton for your radio and flashlight needs. In an NBC radio network presence. Here can you top this following John Cameron Swayze tonight on the NBC radio network.