 death it's inevitable yeah like it's inevitable it's hard to fathom in it it's hard to accept and you're gonna have to one day you're gonna have to i think my mom said something to me one time that like freaked me out and your mom's like my mom's 88 89 as of like a week ago she said this a while ago she was like i'm ready and i was like yeah but your mom believes in god yeah yeah yeah yeah i've even fucked around with do you not believe in god or you do but until until the chips are and then you're like fuck i don't when you're upset about death well we'll find out on that my death bed if i'm at peace with it i mean i i think about it like i can't go to the like when i go to the doctor i freak out thinking i'll get bad news this one most people are the most people die is they don't go to the doctor so afraid of getting bad news the bad news is inevitable it's coming yeah but no it's coming whether you whether you feel it or whether a guy says it to you yeah and i wake up every morning not now i've been healthier since sober october i've i've my drinking is cut back drastically like i mean i think i've drank maybe nine times since the beginning of october which is a lot to not drink for me but i think about it when i wake up when i wake up there was a period i remember when it started and i was like oh you're fucking up man like you're fucking up you're not being healthy like this is all bad stuff for you and i think about it it's why i work out every day it's why do you do it do you want to live because you're afraid of death or you want to live for like land and the kids it's it's FOMO it's fucking the fact that i just can't be that you don't want you don't want people to go on without you yeah i don't like that you know what's funny that's an unheralded issue yeah they're like no we're that's why i went like the rapture great we're all dying i'm very cool with the rapture let's go i heard a story about this little girl in nagasaki and it was on his history podcast i listened to so they picked two places to drop bombs based on weather they kept trying to bomb this one place but based on weather they picked hiroshima and nagasaki so but they missed the target and also there were a shitload of japanese people there that was the other reason yeah yeah yeah yeah so they they missed the target in nagasaki by like seven miles there was this little girl it's not funny there's this little girl who let's see who who the bomb hit and she went to like the back of the room and then got thrown against the wall woke up and the world was gone like the world was gone and it was just her and she didn't know she was dying very soon like she said they said she felt like knives and were going in her skin and eyes in her mouth and it was all there was all the nuclear fallout but the world was gone she woke up got thrown got knocked unconscious in the back of her school and got up and there was no landscape like it was just like yeah and i kind of felt envious of her that i was like oh shit so i did it it's just me out here like i'm the last one mother fuckers want to be the last one yes fuck yes it's a lot of fomo though oh no then i'd be like all right now i die with everyone else okay everyone else oh you just want to you you want everyone to die you just want to go i want to go with everyone that's my biggest fear is like i'm gonna die and then everyone's gonna be like oh my god can't tell you how jealous i'm gonna be of my family that goes they're all my deathbed right and everyone's there and i'm taking my last breath and then someone says he's gone it's really sad she opened a bottle of whiskey and someone goes fucky i'm gonna cry Pete we open that bottle of wine real quick that i'm i know that's a fucked up because that moment that's what life's about is the fucking i'm gone my daughters my wife my friends people are there and then they go and celebrate my life i can't be there yeah it's so fucked up they would go and have a drink and they go how great was dad and they wouldn't say that to my face right get any of those compliments yeah like it would be like i think about i think about was having sex with Liam one time and i and i looked into her eyes and i thought i'm so glad that these are the eyes i'll see what i die and not like some young fucking yoga trainer who goes perfect ass let's really get into it yeah part like beautiful full head of blonde hair uh no wrinkles on her face doesn't need a bra doesn't need a bra loose fitting shirt no bra lean and over and i'm laying don't want this is who we don't want this is what we don't want we want lian it's you got the lollipop uh with the sponge on it so you that's how they feed you water you dip it in and then uh huh right and then she's looking at me and she's like honey i love you she's got a redneck accent yeah they all do she's like i love you i love you so much and she i watch her look at her watch and i go what are you doing she goes i'm just saying i got yoga class in an hour and i wondered do you think i could go to that and then come back real quick because lian would never do that lian's gonna be my age too she's gonna fucking old lady eyes and she's gonna be like give me some of that lollipop water and then she's gonna look at me she's like don't go birdie boy and i'll go i don't want to go lian she's like i need you my life's over when you gone you want someone to end their life when you end your life yeah yeah you want the you want everyone like it's over yeah i don't want it to go on without me i don't and i it's funny because i i have two thoughts about it which is like it's incredibly like narcissistic or arrogant yeah but like narcissistic i'm a soft narcissist like i'm i don't affect your life but i think about everything for me yeah yeah that's about right yeah and uh i i got i just got popped with a covert narcissism charge last week from covid narcissism covert oh alan cobert alan cobert narcissistic