 The Jack Benny program, transcribed, presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike, be happy. I've made a resolution, friends, to get more smoking fun. I've switched to milder Lucky Strike for 1951. Ring out the old ring in the new, a lucky year to be, for we no find tobacco counts in L.S.M.F. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike, be happy. Friends, are you happy with your brand? Here's why I ask. A recent 38 city survey shows that millions of smokers are not happy with a cigarette they're now smoking. Now if this is true of you and you want to be happy, go lucky. You see, fine tobacco and only fine tobacco always gives you both perfect mildness and rich true tobacco taste. Everything you want in a cigarette and L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes, every lucky you like gives you complete smoking enjoyment. That happy blending of perfect mildness and rich taste. So, be happy, go lucky. Start with a carton today. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike, today. The Lucky Strike Program star, Jack Mini, with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Tennessee, and yours truly, Donald. Ladies and gentlemen, in a few short hours it will be 1951, and another year will have passed into history. Yes, as the saying goes, time and tide wait for no man. So now we bring you a man who hasn't tried his luck with tide, but who has licked time, and here is Jack Mini. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking. Now Don, step away from the microphone and let Phil get on. But Jack... Don, I said step away from the microphone and let Phil on. But Jack, why do you want Phil on so early? Because this is New Year's Eve, and if we don't get him on fast, we may not have him at all. Believe me. Now wait a minute, Jackson, I heard what you said, and that may be true of the old Phil Harris. Harris the Nair do well. But I want you to know that the leopard has changed his spots. Really, Phil? Yes, for the year 1951, I'm going to be a new man. I'm going to spend more time around the house, devote myself to gardening. And who knows, someday my petunia bed may be the envy of the entire community. Phil, there is nothing more soul satisfying than planting a seed, watching the little plant push its tender leaves through mother earth, and blossom into a fragrant flower. Phil... Phil, let me look at something there. A colorful bloom, lifting its dew-kiss petals toward the warmth of the morning sun. Nature and all her hands are filled. Phil, you've got a script from Life Can Be Beautiful. Here's our script. Well, here I am a bum again. Yeah, yeah. Jackson, tonight or week later... Wait, wait, I'll walk back to my microphone. Now cut that off! Musicians. Jack, they were whistling at me. Oh, oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Happy New Year. Happy New Year, Mary. Happy New Year, Don. Say me your name, Mary. Happy New Year, Phil. Phil? Phil, what are you daydreaming about? Have you noticed the rich crimson colors of the point setters this year? Phil, put down that script. What script? I'm auditioning for a seed company. Well, not now. We have a very special sketch to do tonight. Oh, Jack. I got a letter from Mama this morning, and she wants me to thank you for the Christmas present you sent her. Oh, good, good. Your mother. What does the Harriet Craig of Plainfield have to say? I've got it right here. I'll read it to you. Good. My darling daughter, Mary. Just a few lines to let you know that we had a wonderful Christmas and hope you had the same. Please thank Jack for the present he sent us. It brightened up our whole Christmas. What do you sound like, Mary? A light bulb. Sixty watt. Tell Jack we appreciate it very much and it goes with the socket he sent us last year. Yeah. We had the whole family here for dinner on Christmas day. And your cousin, Martha, came with her new husband, who was quite famous. He once wrote Lincoln's Gettysburg address on the head of a pin. Well. I know a lot of people have done it before, but he's the only one who ever did it with a typewriter. Well, now that's ridiculous. What else, Mary? We've had a terrible cold spell and it's been causing a lot of damage on the farm. For the last few weeks, we've been getting nothing but broken eggs. Broken eggs? The ground is so cold that hands are laying them standing up. Your mother's really cold tonight, isn't she? No other news, so we're closed. Now, wishing you and Jack a very happy new year, your loving mother, Mama. Say, Mary. Wait a minute, Jack, there's more. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah. Mary, I heard the program where you said brass reek instead of grease rag. How could you make a mistake like that when your sister babe runs one? You know, Mary, one thing about your mother. Come in. Well, look who's here. Hello, Dennis. Do you mind if I sing my song right away? I'm in a hurry. In a hurry? What for? This New Year's Eve, Bob. I got to keep rolling. What? Want to have a quick one with me, Phil? Dennis! Step aside, kid. Dennis, what's come over you? Pucker up, Liv. I'm going to hang one on you. Dennis, what happened to you? When I got off the bus, I bumped my head. Oh. It feels so good. I hope I can get the same bus going home. I hope so. It was a sunset bus. Look, look, Dennis. Once I did it on the Wiltshire bus, what a hangover. All right, all right, now hold it. Dennis, what did you say when you first came in here? Oh, I said, can I sing my song now? I'm in a hurry. Look, kid, I heard your song at rehearsal and the orchestra was out of tune. Hold it, Scrooge. Hold it. Crew. Look, Jackson, you can stop being sarcastic because in 1951 I'm making a lot of changes to improve the band. I'm adding some new musicians. Really? Yep. I'm adding another pianist, two violinists, a clarinetist, a harpist, and a choropetist. A choropetist? Yep. He was with Guy Lombardo for three years, two years with Wayne King, four years with K. Kaiser. Phil. Phil, a choropetist is someone who works on people's feet. He is? Certainly, don't you ask questions? Jackson, when a fella tells you he's Patrillo's cousin, we band leaders don't pin him down. Well, Phil, this new man will have a picnic with your band. They never wear shoes anyway. Now, they can snap their toes when they roll those dice as beyond me. How do you do? You know, boys, Phil, these boys of yours are absolutely amazing. Lucky for you, the phone rang because I had three more that were pips than him. Hello? Hello, Mr. Barry, this is Rochester. Rochester, I didn't expect to hear from you. I gave you New Year's Eve off. Are you at home? No, I'm just reporting in from Central Avenue. Oh, you've already started your evening. Well, where are you now? Well, right now I'm at the Esquire Club and we've got a lot more places to go before midnight. More nightclubs? Yeah, and you ought to see the way of me and my friends' dress. Raccoons? This is New Year's Eve and we can't waste time in transit. We came in this club so fast we spiked the door man. Mr. Rochester, I hope you have a real good time tonight. Are you with Susie? No, I'm with Eloise. Eloise? Hey, she's a new one, isn't she? Yeah. Here, uh... When she smiles, she looks like a Los Angeles landlord the day they signed the control. I'm living again, eh? Now look, Rochester, as I said before, I want you to have a lot of fun tonight, but don't overdo it. When do you think this party will end? Well, there's no set time, boss. People just go home as their birthdays come up. We'll be back home tomorrow and that's final. Goodbye. Goodbye! Oh, say, boss! Now what? Ha! See, Rochester is so fortunate. New Year's and his day off come at the same time. And now, ladies and gentlemen, since this is New Year's Eve, we are going to revive an old custom and present another. Oh, Jack! Yes, Don? Before you do the sketch, I think we ought to have a commercial. A commercial? By all means. Is the sportsman quartet here? Oh, yes, Jack, and they prepared a number that's quite appropriate for the new year. New Year's resolution? Well, that's very clever. I was afraid they'd have something about the Fourth of July. Go ahead, boys. Let's hear it. We resolve when playing golf to never lose our temper. We'll stop and smoke and count each stroke we promise to remember. Be happy. Go lucky. Be happy. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Go lucky. Go lucky. Strike me today. When my wife demands a new fur coat, just like her cousin, I'll light a lucky take a puff and say let's buy a dozen. When the phone awakens me some morning from my slumber, I promise not to blow my topic. Sorry, pal, wrong number. Be happy. Go lucky. Be happy. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Go lucky. Go lucky. Strike me today. Everyone is making resolutions to reduce, but as for me, I just can't see that it would be much use. Be happy. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Go lucky. Go lucky. Strike me today. One more year has come and gone and then he's feeling fine. When his toupee is old and gray, he'll still be 39. Here's a resolution every one of you can make. Be full of cheer throughout the year and then work on this thing. Be happy. Go lucky. Be happy. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Go lucky. Strike me happy today. Very good, Don, wonderful. And sportsmen, Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Don, Don, they talked. They talked, this is wonderful. Take them over here, fellas. Mary, say Happy New Year to them. Happy New Year, boys. Happy Year. New. Oh, darn it, the tenor got in the wrong place. Maybe we'll get it right next year. Now, ladies and gentlemen, as I started to say, since this is New Year's Eve, we are going to revive an old custom and present our New Year's Fantasy entitled The New Tenant, or Goodbye 50, Hello 51. Now I will play the part of the old year, 1950, and Don, you will be the world. Oh, Jack, every time you do one of these fantasies, you make me play the world. Just once, I'd like to be the little new year. You play the part of the little new year, Don. That's ridiculous. Ridiculous? Why? I could wear a diaper, couldn't I? Don, you not only can't wear a diaper now, but there's a great element of doubt in my mind that you ever could. So you'll play the part of the world. Just come dressed in your latitudes. Or if it's cold, wear your longitudes. Now let's see. Jack, how come you're getting most of the jokes in the program today? My writer did that instead of buying me a Christmas present. Cheap guys. Now, Phil, you will play the part of Uncle Sam, and Mary, you'll be Uncle Sam's wife, Columbia. Now you and Uncle Sam have 48 children. 48 children? Wait a while, here's about this. It's only a play. Now, Dennis, I have a very difficult part for you. We have? Yes, you will be several of the foreign countries in the United Nations, such as France. Oui, oui. England. Rather. Mexico. Buenos noches, señor. And Russia. How do you do? Now, Dennis, this is a very serious play, so let's get started. As the curtain rises, the old year 1950 is in his room, packing, and Columbia is helping him. Curtain. Music. Oh, Columbia. Columbia, will you come here a minute, please? Well, what do you want, 1950? Give me a hand with my packing, will you? I've got to get out of here by midnight and make room for the new tenant. Oh, yes. Little 51 will be here soon. Yep. As soon as I'm packed, I'll be on my way. I sure wish I could take that television set with me. Why? That Faye Emerson. What? What? Say, Columbia, where's your husband, Uncle Sam? Like say goodbye to him. Oh, he's meeting with a U.N. again. There's so many things for him to straighten out these days. Yeah, but Sam's been in a lot of tough situations before, and he's always come out all right. Well, I almost got the suitcase filled. Now, let's see, what else? Oh, yeah, I want to take some of this music. Irene, good night, Irene. Irene, good night. Good night, Irene, good night. Yep, gonna take that one with me. If Irene don't want to go to sleep, why force her? Now, let's see, yep. Yes, I got about everything. Oh, one of them flying saucers. Now, let's see. Yes, Cherie, guess I've packed about everything. Well, look who's here, Uncle Sam. Hello, Sam. Howdy, Columbia. I just dropped in to say goodbye to 1950. Right, nice of you, Sam, coming to say goodbye to me, considering all the trouble I gave you. Yep, you've sure been a rough year. Well, I know I made some mistakes, but mistakes right off the back you froze up my son Florida. Then you practically ruined me with the cold railroad strikes and, brother, what you've done to know today. Now, don't be too hard on 50, Sam. He did his best. Well, thanks, Columbia. Cried anyway. Well, I better get going. Say, don't forget to say goodbye to my 48 kids. I won't, they're my favorite little... Hey, wait a minute. Hey, Columbia, how come you're sitting there knitting? Oh, she told you. She told me what? We're expecting two more. Hawaii and Alaska. Where? Kind of tough, knitting wool and underwear and brass skirts at the same time. Hey, that's pretty good. Hello, everybody. Well, well, if it ain't the world. Hello, world. How's the universe treating me? No, I don't know. Hey, well, you don't look too happy. Well, I haven't been feeling so well lately. You remember how sick I was from 1914 to 1918? Uh-huh. Then I had a relapse from 1939 to 1945. Yep, I heard about it, but I thought you were all over that. A few months ago, I suddenly developed a big pain around my 38th parallel. Well, why don't you go see a doctor? I did, and he knew what was wrong with me as soon as he took my blood count. Too many red cells. You don't feel a lot better if they get something accomplished downstairs in the U.N. Say they're having a meeting there now. Let's open the door and listen. Order, order. Let's have a little order for the next speaker. Look, the Russian delegate is getting up. Yeah. People of the world, gentlemen and comrades, we have brought some Soviets wish for peace and we are prepared to make a fair compromise. We asked you the small buffer area. Of course, this would mean moving the 38th parallel slightly. We would like to move it somewhere around Alabama and Mississippi. Hmm. Now we would like to hear from you. I am not finished with my speech yet. Since I am here in America, I want to tell you the terrible things I have seen with my own eyes. Pedants are forced to ride in automobiles. In California, some of the pedants are even forced to ride with the top down. And they are wearing dark glasses so nobody should see how much they are suffering. And tomorrow, tomorrow in the concentration camp, they call the road wall, 100,000 people will be forced to huddle together to watch a football game. That is why I say that... Just a moment, just a moment. What is wrong? Why is it, Mr. Russian delegate, that every time we discuss a matter here, you stall and delay the debate for weeks and months so it never ends? Well, if you must know the longer I stay here, the less time I have to spend in Russia. Close the door, Sam, I've heard enough. Well, Columbia, it's almost midnight. Better get my bags together and say the new year is coming a few seconds early. What do you mean, old timer? Look out the window. Here he comes now without any clothes on. Just a cloth wrapped around him. Hey, are you the new year? No, I'm on my way home from Santa Anita. Dog corner, I thought sure that was him. Well, let's see, I got my bags packed, got my hourglass. I guess I'm... Hey, that must be him now. Come in. There goes that sorcerer again. I didn't see anything. Neared it off. Well, some people do and some don't. That's the first stroke of 12. I wonder what's keeping the new tenant. Little fella should be here by now. Don't worry, he'll show up. Now, before I leave, Sam, here's a little tip for you. Keep your shirt on, but your sleeves rolled up and everything will be all right. Don't worry, old timer. They can push Uncle Sam just so far, then he starts pushing back. I know, Sam, but you're going to need a lot of things to push with. So keep your factories humming. People have to work a little harder and do without a few things, but they did it before and they can do it again. Well, time's a fleeting, but I can't leave till that little shaver gets here. That must be him now. Yeah. Come in. Yep, it's a little new year. Hello, son. Hello, old timer. Isn't he cute? Yeah, I bet he don't weigh much more than symmetric. Come here, sonny. I want you to meet Uncle Sam and his wife, Columbia. Glad to know you folks. Hello, sonny. Hi, Bob. Make yourself at home. Say, I almost forgot, this is the world. I want you to meet him, too. Hello, son. Hello. Yes, sir. There's enough room on him for everybody. There should be, and yet. Oh, I don't quite understand it myself. Well, it's getting late and I'll have to be motioned along, son. But there are a few things you ought to know. What is it, old timer? Well, the most important thing I want to remember is to take good care of Uncle Sam here. He ain't going to have no picnic, 51. We may get some complaints about high prices and taxes. Gee, I'm a little discouraged already. Oh, I wouldn't be too discouraged. It looks bad, but it's not. It looks bad, but some good things are happening. Some people are beginning to understand each other a little better. A couple of weeks ago, some were called Ralph Bunch. Grandson of a slave went to Stockholm to pick up his Nobel Peace Award. Take good care of him, sonny. We need men like that. I will. Now there's some more fellas I want you to take care of. You will hear about them. Eisenhower and Douglas MacArthur. They've been helping Sam for a long time. There's some others, too. Sam will tell you who they are, won't you, Sam? Sure will. The reason I'm mentioning this, son, is because I want you to be a little more careful than I was. See, I lost some mighty good boys while I was here. One of them just recently. A fella named Walton Walker. He was a general and a darn good one, too. And then there were thousands of others who weren't generals or weren't even officers. Just plain GIs. But they're all doing their job for Uncle Sam, weren't they, Sam? Yup. I'll never forget them. Then there was another fella we lost during my time. Was he a soldier, too? Well, you could call him that. Sort of a singing soldier. Used to go around entertaining everybody. Singing songs and telling jokes, making people happy. I wish you could have seen him. He was good, huh? Good. Why, son, when he'd get down on one knee and sing about his mammy, the people would stand up and cheer. And after he sang and sang and sang and you thought he was all through, he'd look right at you and say, you ain't heard nothing yet. There's the 11th con. Gee, I feel older already. Well, you got a big responsibility, son. And just as soon as I go, it's all yours. Well, I guess I'll be on my way. Gosh, I hate to go. There were so many things I wanted to do. But you're young and strong, I guess I'm leaving it in good hands. Goodbye, son. Goodbye. So long, Sam. So long, Columbia. Goodbye, old timer. Goodbye, 1950. So long, world. Keep smiling. We happy. Go lucky. We happy. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Go lucky. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Go lucky. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Go lucky. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Strike me happy. Friends, enjoy your cigarette. If you're not happy with your present brand, and the 38-City Survey shows that millions of smokers are not, smoke Lucky Strike. With every lucky you light, you always get the happy blending of perfect mildness and rich true taste that fine tobacco and only fine tobacco can give you. And remember, LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So for all the deep down smoking enjoyment you want and deserve in a cigarette, be happy. Go Lucky. Yes, in 1951, make every carton Lucky Strike. Be happy. Go Lucky. Be happy. Go Lucky Strike. Be happy. Go Lucky. Go Lucky Strike today. Good night, everybody, and a Happy New Year from all of us. Happy New Year, everybody! Happy New Year! And be sure which follows immediately. Subscribe. This is EBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.