 For the safety of your smile use pepsidon twice a day see your dentist twice a year Lever Brothers Company presents the pepsidon show my friend Irma created by Cy Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship when other friendships have been forgot, there's will still be hot Manhattan, in Central Park you can hear the gay songs of the cheery robins You can see the little shoots of grass poking their way out of the ground and the tiny buds sprouting from the limbs of trees Yes, this is the time when everything comes to life Everything that is except my roommate Irma Peterson Now, don't get me wrong, her eyes are open, but whatever there is behind them in that adorable blonde head still sleeps like a rock For instance, the other evening I was reading the newspaper and I said, Irma honey, I see that Eddie Cantor is being sent to Milwaukee And Irma said, oh I don't think that's fair, those important men get away with everything What do you mean honey? Well anybody else would be sent to Alcatraz Shall we go a little further? All right, last night we went out to dinner and when the waiter brought our order he said Would you care for Lee and parents with your statement? And Irma said, no thank you, we don't care to eat with strangers Do you get the picture? That's one of the reasons I'd rather eat at home What? I said did you finish drying the dishes? I think so Now I've got to sweep What? Oh not another dish, I'm glad the knives and forks aren't breakable or we'd be eating with our hands I'm sorry Jane, it's Al's fault Al's fault? Yes Al says I'm his favorite dish and thinking about it gets me so excited I dropped the one I had in my hands I'm sorry Jane Don't go into your sorry act, just sit there quietly, I'm trying to figure out something What do you want to know Jane, you can always count on me Let me see, now Thursday is the 31st Friday's April Fool's Day That's right I know it is because my boss says if there is a parade that day I should be the one deleted He picked the champ Now let me see, Mrs. O'Reilly, the professor, Richard, Mr. and Mrs. Horowitz upstairs Jane what are you figuring out? Well I don't know if it ever occurred to you Irma but these people have entertained us during the past few weeks and I feel we're about due to return the compliment It's a social obligation Well Jane do we have to go to jail? What are you talking about? That's how Al's friends pay their debts to society Please Irma you're distracting me It's about time we gave a party and I want to plan something different Since Friday is April Fool's Day I was thinking it'd be fun if everyone had to come disguised as their complete opposite The person they least resembled That would fit in with the April Fool motif Well I don't understand Jane Who would I come at? Someone completely opposite from you Say Professor Einstein Your boyfriend Al He could come as a working man Oh that sounds like fun Jane Jane Positively not But Jane Amber's a lot of fun at the party she entertains Amber entertains Yeah she carries telephone books in half What does she do for an encore? Throw the piano out the window? Look once and for all I do not want Amber at my party understand? Alright Jane I'll let me know when you change your mind It's only me Professor Kropotkin Hello Jane, your name are my two little stars One blinking overhead And the other with her head on the blink Excuse me a little joke I picked up from a sidewalk astronomer Oh Professor I'm sorry Jane Girls could you let me have please a pencil and piece of paper I got to write a note Oh certainly Professor You could use this pad with the lines on it It's the one I always use to keep the word straight Thank you Thank you Mrs. O'Reilly cooked enough for me last night And I want you to know how I feel about it Now let me see Dear Mrs. O'Reilly The chicken was delightful So fresh from the oven And anyone who cooks like that deserves a lot of love Oh that's very pretty Come in Hello girls Hello Mrs. O'Reilly Oh write in a letter Professor No Mrs. O'Reilly he's writing a beautiful poem just for you For me It now Certainly here you are The chicken was delightful So fresh from the oven And anyone who cooks like that deserves a lot of love Oh, Professor Jane Rita Mrs. O'Reilly Rita And what I'm lovin to shovin is O'Reilly in the oven You shabby shakes here Now look look Before the two of you get into the main valve There's something I want to tell you Irma and I are giving an April's Fool party Friday And you're invited Oh how exciting Is it a costume party Janey Uh huh And you must come to Skylde as the person you least resemble Your exact opposite Let me think the exact opposite Very simple come as a human being Don't be insulting Janey what if I put on a bathing suit And come as Miss America I think that's perfect After all you was here when it was discovered And don't yell at me or I'll come as Columbus and prove it I don't have time to make up your mind Irma darling what are you coming at Well Janey says I should come as Professor Einstein That's clever But I'll have to tell my hairdresser to let my hair grow long Because I don't think there's time to grow a beard I mean We know what you mean honey We think Now remember it's this Friday Yeah we'll be here And if you don't mind Janey I'll bring my violin and play some gypsies music La da da dee da da da da Ah wonderful! Oh as much as I hate to admit it, when I hear that gypsy music, I love to close my eyes and whirl about madly, and leap into space with wild ecstasy. That's nice. Remind me to play for you on the roof some night. Come on Miss O'Reilly, goodbye girls. Well now, let's see, how many guests are we going to have? Come in. Hello dearie. What's the matter with you Miss Stacy, ain't you talking to nobody? Hello Amber. Well, you might at least say you like my new fur piece. Oh it's very pre-amber. Well thanks dearie. It comes from a llama in South America. Oh one of those religious fellows who lives in a monastery? I never look a gift horse in the mouth. Say what's new, Amber? Well Jane is giving a party next Friday. Oh, that's nice. What like where? Well, you see Amber, I don't see nothing Miss Stacy, and let's keep this on a high plane. Because one word from you that I don't like and I'll let you have it over the head with that washboard. Irma, will you explain to Amber, I'm going down to the drugstore and buy a copy of Movistar's parade magazine. You know dearie, it looks like that stuck up girlfriend of yours don't want me at her party. What's the matter, is she afraid of competition? Oh Amber, it's nothing personal, it's just that she doesn't like you. It's half your apartment isn't it? Well what good is that, I can't invite just half of you. Now let me talk to Jenny some more when she comes back Amber. Well, don't force the issue dearie. But if she's worried about me eating like the pig she thinks I am. Tell her I've been taking reducing treatments at Madam Rushmore's, I have an appointment right now. Your waist does look smaller Amber. Oh that's nothing, look at my ankles, they're almost as slim as my knees. Oh say I'll be late, I'll see you later Irma. Oh hi Amber. Oh I haven't got time for chit chat, so long. Hiya chicken. Hello Al. Happy about it. Chicken have I got a deal that's a pip, got to clean up. What is it Al? It's a special tea kettle for married men who like to kid around with the maid in the kitchen. A special, a special tea kettle? Uh huh, it not only whistles when the water is boiling, it whistles when the wife is coming. What do you think of it chicken? Oh Al it's wonderful. Decided had to do something desperate, can't stand that line at the unemployment office anymore. Keeps getting longer every week. It's disgusting, the moment you find something good everybody tries to horn in on. What's that list you're eating? Oh Jane is giving an April Fools costume party, everyone must come as the person they least resemble. Someone exactly opposite. Makes it pretty tough for me to find. You see I have so much in common with most of the world's outstanding figures. What do you mean Al? Well, can't come as a movie star because I ain't so bad to look at myself. Well how about some big important politician? Well that ain't opposite chicken. Them guys don't work any more than I do. Only one man can help me. Who are you calling Al? Who else but... Hello Joe. Ah, got a problem. How would you describe it? Huh? Honest, ambitious, courteous, and a fine taxpayer? Joe ain't you laying it on a little? Huh? Oh you think the police are tapping your wire? Hey you hot again Joe? What for? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. What do you mean the government considers it unfair competition? Oh you're printing your own money. Well I gotta get off the wire. So long Joe. Well I have to think of a costume myself. Hey chicken why are you looking so depressed? Party ought to be fun. Yes but Jane won't let me invite Amber Lipscott. What is this with Jane? Always putting on the dog with our high society friends. You tell her you got friends too and you'll love them. And taking care of them is more important than money. You got it? Got it. Good. Now what are you gonna tell Jane? I'm going to tell her that if we love those who are important to us they'll always take our money. Here's good news. Big money saving news about the wonderful film removing pepsidant. An amazingly improved film fighting formula for brightening teeth and cleaning breath. And you can get it now at a sensational introductory bargain. Listen. Get two 25 cent tubes of new film removing pepsidant for only 33 cents. Yes two 25 cent tubes in a special twin pack. Regular price 50 cents now only 33 cents. You save 17 cents. Yes penny for penny ounce for ounce. New pepsidant gives you more for your money than any other leading toothpaste. And more in results too. For no other toothpaste can duplicate pepsidant's new film removing formula. It foams wonderfully. Goes to work faster removing film. Makes your teeth brighter and your breath cleaner. So act now. Get two 25 cent tubes of new film removing pepsidant for only 33 cents. More for your money than any other leading toothpaste today. Cheer up sister and you too, pepsidant. The pace for you. Gotten back in the house. And I know that Irma must be upset about something because she's doing everything backwards. She's looking in the icebox to see if the cake she just put in has burned yet. And now she's looking in the stove for ice cubes. And I know her mind has left her head because she's just turned on the mix master and she's dancing to it. What is tormenting her I must find out. Irma what's bothering you? Oh nothing. Look sweetie I can't take this much longer. If you have something to say get it out. Oh I know you want to have Richard and all your swell friends here for your party Friday. But I don't see what harm it could do to have my friend Amber. You don't. Look honey I don't want to be mean but once before you talked me into letting Amber come here to a party. New years remember? And what happened? She threw Mr. Martin down three flights of stairs. Oh Jane that was part of the game. We were playing charades and Amber was acting out good to the last drop. This I know but tell me what is that dreadful stuff she uses for perfume? She doesn't know. What do you mean she doesn't know? Well someone sent her a bottle of something for Christmas. And the label was off and Amber won't take any chances of drinking it so she wears it. Oh please Irma come in. Hello Jane Irma. Oh Richard I'm glad you dropped by. Look are you going to be busy Friday night? No Jane why? Well I'm having a little April Fool's party. Everyone is coming as the person they least represent. I'd love to come but I have a little problem. I've got to find a nurse for my mother. Nurse for your mother why she's a grown woman. Irma be still. Richard is your mother sick? Well she's a little under the weather. Depressed and all that. And when she's that way she's impossible to get along with. So the doctor recommends a nurse to pamper her. Mother's fired six of them already. So I'm on my way to the agency to see if I can pick out a nurse she'll like. Well Richard I think I know just the girls. She used to live with me at the YWCA. She's wonderful. I'm sure your mother will like her. Oh Jane that's just the kind of girl I've been looking for. What? Her mother I mean. Oh that's better. I'll try to locate her right away. Fine fine I'll call you up later. I'll be at the club. And don't forget Friday night. I won't. Goodbye Jane. Bye Irma. Goodbye Richard. Irma I'm going to run right down to the Y and see if I can find out where Betty White lives now. Alright Jane but are you sure I can't invite Amber? Irma will you please get her off your mind? Well how? Well... Occupy yourself. Make some favors for our party. Alright I'll make some favors. Good. Now have you forgotten about Amber? Yes I have. Fine. Jane. What sweetie? I'll make the favors if you'll do me a favor. What is it? Can I bring Amber to the party? Goodbye Irma Peterson. It's only us again me and Mrs. O'Reilly. Irma where's Jane? Irma darling what are you crying about? She won't let my girlfriend Amber come to the party. Jane doesn't think she's classy enough. Well I think Amber should be like I am. Where I'm not wanted I don't shove myself. You don't? No I don't. Well I don't know who shoved you but whoever did it certainly pushed you out of the shade. Professor? No please Mrs. O'Reilly can't you see Irma's in trouble? Well then don't go insulting me. Because Friday night you'll learn a thing or two. When I go to a party the men all flock around me. They do? Yes they do. Well I can understand that you look like a barrel of beer. Well that's the last straw. No it isn't the last straw it's on my bed but you've got the nerve to call it a mattress. This is Professor Kropotkin. Glad to see you. And this is Mrs. O'Reilly. Come to the party. I don't always look like this. I just got through clean in the living room. Come on Mrs. O'Reilly I will not stand by to see you insulted. I'll help you with your costume for the party. Now my suggestion is that you come as Marie Antoinette. And I'll just come with an axe. Well Irma did your snooty roommate change your mind about me coming to the party? No Amber she doesn't want you but don't feel hurt. It's alright Irma. I'm getting used to being treated like public nothing number one. Well Amber don't get a complex like that. Take me a lot of people go around calling me a dumb door. But they can't be so smart if they don't even know my right name. No dearie what they say about me is true. I ain't got no culture. But I've tried to improve myself. I even bought that book by Emily Post. You know them silly things like how to eat an olive and how to get rid of the pit without nobody seeing it. And I've been practicing for weeks. Irma would you believe it? I got a bathtub full of olive pits. Well Amber I don't think you have to go to all that trouble. Why don't you just bring a little change first to the table with you like I do. Business about the fella getting up when you're introduced. That's a lot of bologna too. I've introduced myself to a hundred guys on the bus and not one of them got up. I've got that one on how to be a good conversationalist. Irma do you know that the pyramids in Egypt are over 5,000 years old? Have nobody collected yet? Choose with points on the top. The fellas do you know the pyramids are over 5,000 years old and they say good let's neck. What's the youth? Culture, smulcher, every guy you meet's a vulture. Something about you that's nice? I mean I know what you mean dearie. I only went with one fella that appreciated me. Gerald the Jockey. I used to hang around the stables with him. And when the horses got sick I'd help take care of them until they got well. You know I learned a lot about medicine that way. Boys used to call me the Florence Nightingale of the Stables. Gee I'll bet if you were Dr. Amberlips Scott Jane would invite you to the party. Yeah. Funny I always wanted to be a knife but I never got the opportunity. Hello? No Jane, Richard hasn't called yet. What? If he calls tell him you have the name and address of that nurse for his mother. Alright, goodbye. What's wrong? He's sick. Yes, Richard is trying to find a nurse for his mother and... Say! Are you thinking the same thing I'm thinking? Well Amber I like you and I want to help you and I want Jane to respect you so she'll invite you to the party. Uh, but is it the right thing to do? Look, don't worry about it dearie. I can handle it. The chief veterinarian at the stables used to say that when it comes to nursing the only difference between a horse and a human is that one has a tail. Call up Richard's mother and leave my name. It's my big chance of him. Alright Amber, I'll do it. But promise me one thing. What is it? If she breaks her leg don't shoot her. It's a promise. This is more like it. Little while ago you were in the dumps but now you're in the clouds. I'm certainly glad to see you're no longer angry about Amber not coming to my party Friday. I'm not so sure that Amber won't be at the party. Wait a minute. Irma you didn't invite her after what I told you. Of course not Jane but maybe someone else will invite her. What are you talking about? Oh Fiddly Dee. Irma I don't like it when you say Fiddly Dee. Because I know that when you're fiddling Ro must be burning. Oh dear you've got me so jumpy I don't know what to expect. Come in. Jane I want to have a talk with you. Well Richard you're angry what's wrong? Plenty. Where did you get that so-called nurse you sent mother? Richard I don't understand. Neither do I. She wants my mother to run three furlongs every morning. But Richard I can't understand that Betty White is a registered nurse. Betty White? I just had mother on the phone an hour ago at Long Island and she says the nurse's name is Amber Lipscott. Amber Lipscott? But that's not the girl. What's the difference? Mothers probably fired her by now and had a nervous breakdown. But Richard I can't. I mean oh Irma what have you done to me? Don't let me stand here like a fool in front of Richard. Explain. Tell him. Well you see Richard like this Amber wasn't invited to the party because Emily Post has a bathtub full of olive tips and of course Nightingale gave her a seat to the bus driver. Please stop before I need a nurse. Oh Richard Richard will you ever forgive me? Come in. Telegram for Miss Stacy. For me I'll take it. Gee I hope it's bad news. Anything to forget what's just happened. Richard listen to this it's from your mother. Mother? Yes. Dear Jane thanks for the wonderful nurse you just sent me. Never in my life have I met such a character. I have laughed so much I haven't had time to remember I'm sick. But she's so extreme in her suggestions. Personally don't you think I'm too old to take boxing lessons? My deepest gratitude and if I am well enough I will come to your party with my nurse naturally oh no. I guess that's all mother needed right along to get her mind off herself. You see Jane you said Amber wasn't good enough for anything but you were wrong. She's got Mrs. Rhineliter out of her mind. Miss the sensational bargain introducing new film removing pepsidon toothpaste. Get two 25 cent tubes of new pepsidon for only 33 cents. You save 17 cents. Yes two 25 cent tubes in a special twin pack regular price 50 cents only 33 cents. Penny for Penny ounce for ounce. New pepsidon gives you more than any other leading toothpaste. More in results too. No other toothpaste can duplicate new pepsidon's film removing formula. It foams amazingly. Goes to work faster removing film. Making teeth brighter breath cleaner. Hurry offer limited. Get two 25 cent tubes of new film removing pepsidon for only 33 cents. Pep pep pepsidon toothpaste fights film on teeth and cleans breath too. Pep pep pepsidon toothpaste gives film on teeth the old skidoo. On it again. She has dragged me through mental fire and water and I've come out smiling. Why? I have to everyone else is so happy. As for Amber Lipscott she'll be at my party because naturally I can't hurt Mrs. Rhineliter's feelings and because of my weakened condition I've let Al talk me into inviting mushy. Irma if this party is a success I'm going to be the most surprised girl in the world. Oh Jean I'm so excited. Friday night the blue bloods will mix with the red bloods. Well what's so exciting about that? This will be my first party in Technicolor. And you know red blood or blue blood I'll really need a mental transfusion living with my friend Irma. My friend Irma is produced and directed by Cy Howard. Park Levy writes the script with Stanley Adams and Roland McLean and it is brought to you by pepsidon toothpaste with Irma. Another fine product of Lever Brothers Company. Marie Wilson is starred as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane. The part of Al was played by John Brown. Hans Conreed was heard as Professor Kropotkin and Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly. Music was under the direction of Lud Bluskin. Ladies make your next permanent a rave home permanent. This new personalized home permanent from the famous pepsidon laboratories eliminates all guesswork. With rave and only with rave you get the easy to use dial a wave chart that gives you the one right wave for your kind of hair. Rave waving times are up to twice as fast as ordinary home permanence. Yet a rave wave is gentler, long lasting, more natural looking from the very first day. The complete rave kit is $2. Rave refill kits $1. Both kits contain the easy to use dial a wave chart. Dial your rave number for a personalized home permanent. Tune in one hour earlier next week and listen to the Lux Radio Theatre followed by the pepsidon show My Friend Irma. Both brought to you by Lever Brothers Company. Wendell Niles speaking.