 The Jack Benny Program presented by Lucky Strike. S-S-S-S-S-S-M-D-B-L-E-M. I'm everything. Lucky Strike, first again with Tobacco Man. First again with Tobacco Man. More independent tobacco experts smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. There you have the findings of a recent impartial survey which reveals the personal smoking preference of Tobacco Man. Auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen. Yes, the survey shows Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Men. First again with Tobacco Men. First again with the men who conceive the makers of Lucky Strike, consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. So light up a Lucky. Puff by puff, you'll see. L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and in a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts. So for your own real, deep down smoking enjoyment, smokeless smoke, tobacco expert smoke. Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Men. Strike program starring Jack Benny with Murray Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester Dynasty, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, last week the star of our show felt that he needed a vacation. So he took the week off and went to New York. But tonight, I'm happy to announce that the prodigal son has returned. And here he is, Jack Benny. And this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, I think that was a very fitting introduction because I do feel like a prodigal son. Well, thank you, Jack, and welcome home. And it's very appropriate, too, the prodigal son being welcomed by the fatted cat. But, Don, it's good to be back, really. Well, did you have a good time in New York, Jack? Wonderful. I saw almost everybody I knew. Irving Berlin, B. Lilly, Ed Sullivan, Fred Allen, Jack Eigen. Oh, so you saw Fred Allen, huh? Yeah. Well, uh, how'd you find Fred? I just pushed aside those bags, and there he was. Honestly, Don, he has the biggest bags over his eyes. Over his eyes? Yeah, he's wearing them in an upsweet this year. He got tired of stepping on them. But you know, I saw Fred at his broadcast, and it's really amazing how lucky he's been. What do you mean, lucky? The way he ran a case of sinus into a million dollars. Honestly, Don, the way Fred talks, he's... Well, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Welcome home. Well, that's a fine welcome home. Haven't you got a great big kiss? I had one, but last week I gave it to Robert Taylor. All right, so couldn't you save a little kiss for me? Jack, when Taylor takes over a show, he takes it all. Well, I will say one thing. He did a wonderful job. And so did you, Mary. You were great last week. I was in New York, and I heard it. The kiss? The show. Anyway, I had a wonderful vacation in New York. You know, this year they're having one of the most successful theatrical seasons they've ever had. They charge a lot of money, you know, for their tickets, but it's worth it. What show? The streetcar named Desire, High Button Shoes, Inside USA, and Mr. Robert. Oh, gosh, Jack, I certainly envy you. How did you like a streetcar named Desire? Well, I didn't get to see that show. I'm sorry I missed it. Oh, that's too bad. But Jack, I'll bet you enjoyed High Button Shoes. I heard it was a great musical. Yeah. Well... I didn't see that one, either. You see, before I knew it, it was Thursday night, and that was the night I was going to see Mr. Robert. Well, Jack, when I get to New York, that's the show I'm most anxious to see. Mr. Robert? Yes, yes. How'd you enjoy that? Well, that's the one I'm really sorry I missed. You see, I got as far as the lobby, and the girl in the box office made me so mad I wouldn't go in. What'd she say to you? 660, please. 660, please. 660, please. Some smart Alex since you took over the show last week. 660. Anyway, money had nothing to do with it. Henry Fonda, the star of Mr. Robert's, gave me two passes. I wish I hadn't sold them. Now, what about you, Mary? Anything happened with you while I was away? Not much, except that I received another letter from my mother. Your mother? Well, what does the Republican dark horse of Plainfield have to say? I've got it right here. Do you want me to read it to you? No, but you're going to do it anyway, so go ahead. All right. My darling daughter Mary... As Alan would say, if you didn't read it, this program will be short. You know, go ahead, Mary. It says it every week, the same thing every week. Go ahead, I'm sorry. My darling daughter Mary, I received your letter, and I want to thank you for sending me $25 for Mother's Day. You're so generous. What other girl would send her mother a whole week's salary? Do you are generous? Mary, I bought myself a dress with some of the money, and with the rest of it, I bought Papa a beautiful monogram wallet to keep his unemployment checks in. And that reminds me, your sister Babe is no longer on vacation. A couple of weeks ago, she got a telegram from John L. Lewis telling her go back to work. Good old Babe. I'll never forget her in the Easter Parade, strolling down the avenue with that lamp on her hat. Jack, please. Oh, I'm sorry, Mary. Continue. I heard you on the program last week, the broadcast you did with Robert Taylor, and I must say it was a wonderful show without Jack. It was the first time in five years that my airway took a Sunday off. So we'll close now your loving mother, Nature Girl Livingston. You know, Mary, your mother writes some of the silliest... Hello, Don. Hello, Mary. Well, hello, Dennis. Gee, Mr. Taylor, I don't know what happened to you since last Sunday, but you look awful now. Dennis, for heaven's sake, I'm not Robert Taylor. Look over here. I'm Jack Benny. Oh, I don't blame you for being mad. Dennis, aren't you happy that Mr. Benny's back? I certainly am. You know, Mr. Benny, while you were gone, I sure missed you. Well, thanks, kid. You know, you wouldn't believe it, but I was like a lost soul. I felt awful. I couldn't even eat. Oh, that's a shame. Yeah. Next time you go away, you ought to pay us in advance. Dennis, you've got a lot of nerve suggesting anything like that. After all, Mary was on last week's program, too. She didn't mention anything about being paid. Oh, she doesn't care about money. She got kissed by Robert Taylor. What? He wouldn't even put his arm around me. Dennis. I may not look like much, but he ought to taste my potato pancakes. Dennis, stop being so silly, will you? And get ready for your song. Okay. Mary, before I forget it, will you wait and drive me home after the broadcast? Where's your car? Well, I'm thinking of getting a new one, so I send Rochester out to see if he can get a good trade in, you see. I hope that he can. Hiya, Libby. Hello, kid. Well, look who's back, little boy blue eyes. Hiya, Jackson. Hiya, little boy blue eyes. Hiya, Jackson. Hello, Phil. How's Encino's answer to a page to be ignorant? That's what he didn't know was in there. We had another one written in. It wasn't nearly as funny. Huh? Oh, I'm fine, Dad. Glad you're back, Dad. What did you think of the program we did last week without you? I thought it was an excellent show. I thought Robert Taylor did a wonderful job. Who did a wonderful job? Robert Taylor. You don't by any chance mean Spangler Arlington Brew. Yes, what about us? Spangler Arlington Brew. Oh, Spangy. What a name, Brew. Before I met him, I didn't know whether I was supposed to shake his hand or blow the foam off of him. Anyway, what'd you have to get him for when you got me, me, the one and only inimitable Harris? Well, you're not inimitable. It's just that nobody wants to be like you. I'm surprised you pronounced it right. Now, look at this. Wait a minute. I don't care what you say. I'd much rather be like me than Spangler Arlington Brew. Oh, for having safety. What do you got against Robert Taylor? He burns me up. He's married to a beautiful actress. He's a good-looking guy. He's got nice, wavy hair and a great personality. So what, Phil? You're married to a beautiful actress. You're a good-looking guy. You've got nice, wavy hair. And you've got a great personality, too. I know. Well, what about it? Nothing. I just wanted to hear you say it. Phil, I said it. Now, Dennis, let's have... Phil, are you taking bows? There's your head so big it keeps bending you over. Now, come on, Dennis. Let's have your song. Well, what do you want me to sing? I don't know. What do you got prepared? Potato pancakes. All right. Sing that. Sing anything, will you? Ladies and gentlemen, an answer to thousands of requests is our feature traction tonight. We are going to repeat our version of that great universal international production, The Egg and I. Now, we aren't doing a new play tonight. Because in order to do a new play, it has to be written. And my writers lost their typewriter at the opening of Hollywood Park. Now, in this sketch, I will... All right. So they lost their typewriter at the races. Couldn't they dictate the script to their secretaries? No. They looked so forlorn as they pushed her through the $5 window. Now, in this sketch, I will play the part of... Oh, darn it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Billy. This is Rob Jester. Oh, hello, Roger. Have you done anything about trading my car in? Yeah. I was busy all morning. First, I took it to Mad Man Months. He looked the car over there carefully, but he didn't offer much. Well, how much did he appraise it for? Well, I don't know. He didn't offer much. Well, how much did he appraise it for? Of course, when a car gets that old, they don't appraise it. They weigh it. Well, of all the nerve, the license plate alone is worth that much. That's the only part he wanted. So discouraged, but undaunted, I drove to the Smiling Arshmund's life. And that's where we had a little tuple up. Why, what happened? As the Smiling Arshmund climbed into our car to inspect it, he slammed the door and the fender fell off. Which fender? The fender. Oh, my goodness. What did you do? I decided to go home. Uh-huh. And while I was driving down Wiltshire Boulevard, something went wrong with the steering wheel and the car ran right into the LeBrayer Tart pitch. Oh, that's terrible. Worse than you think, the pitch threw it back out again. Gee, Rochester, I expect you to sell the car today. You can try it again tomorrow. Yes, sir. Goodbye. Goodbye. Now, come on, kids. Let's get on with our play. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we will proceed with our version of the egg and eye. In this sketch, I will be Fred McMurray and Mary Livingston will be Claudette Colbert. What part am I going to play, Jack? Well, Don, the scene takes place on a farm so you can play the part of our pig. Oh, Jack, every time you do a farm sketch, I play the part of a pig. I want to do something else. Well, what would you like to be, Don? A canary. Don, you a canary? P-P-P-P-P. Well, that's not so bad. All right, Don, you can be the canary. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the egg and eye. As the scene opens, we find the newlyweds, Claudette and Fred, driving out to their new home. Gee, Claudette, I hope you like the new farmhouse I bought. Oh, I will, Mr. McMurray. You can call me Mack. You know, honey, I can't believe we're really married at last. Yeah. It was such a wonderful wedding ceremony, but you were so nervous. I was not nervous. You were, too. You put the ring on your own finger, kissed the best man, and gave the preacher a potato pancake. Well, a friend of mine makes them. But, darling, wasn't it exciting as we drove away from the church with those old shoes tied in back of the car? Yeah. I wonder what made them bounce like that. My mother was still in them. Oh, yes, I cut her loose when we went through Anaheim. They can always use another smudge pot there. Oh, look, there's our farmhouse. Here we are. Look, darling, there's our new home. Gee, it sure looks run down. Yeah, but we'll fix it up. There's the real estate man. Oh, Mr. Mr. How do you do? How do you do? I just bought this house. You're the man from the real estate office, aren't you? Yes. Nelson's the name. I'm here to show you around. Gee, what a peculiar style of architecture this house has. It's not French Normandy. Is it early American? No, crummy colonial. Let's go inside. Come on, honey. All right. I'm talking to my wife. Oh, just follow me, folks. Now I'll show you through the house. This is the living room. This is the dining room. And this is the bedroom. Gee, Mr. Nelson, does the bathroom have a tile floor? Shall we go out and see? I'd like to see the kitchen. Right through this door. There. Isn't it a beauty? Well, I don't know. The stove looks very old and awfully dirty. Oh, that's just a little dust. I'll blow it off. Have you tried sen-sen? It's getting kind of late. I better go. Goodbye, Mr. Nelson. Goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Nelson. Mr. Nelson, stop kissing her. Well, if Robert Taylor doesn't care, why should you? Well, darling, here we are in our own little home. We'd better start getting to sleep, too. We're on a farm. You know, you have to get up at four in the morning. You're right, sweetheart. But it's so nice to be alone. Just the two of us. Yeah. Well, darling, good night. Good night. Get out of here. Darling, you're snoring. The rooster. It's morning. Oh, oh. Well, you hurry and get breakfast ready. I'll go out and milk the cows. It's a good thing I slept in my clothes. It's pitch dark this early in the morning. Now, where's that milking pail? Ah, here it is. Easy, bossy. Easy. That's a good girl, bossy. Easy, bossy. Easy. Gee, I can't seem to find... Uh-oh, wrong end. Easy, bossy. Easy. Now, hold still, Mel, while I fix the pail and stool. That's a good girl. Hold still while I fix the pail and stool. There. Oh, la, la, la, la. Better change. I'm not, but I think the cow is. With a white stripe down its back. Well, it shucks. If that isn't the cutest little... Kitty, have you tried Sen Sen? Now, Claudette, don't stand around. We got to feed the animal. Okay. Be cute the way our canary follows us around. Now, Shoe Canary, Shoe, we got to feed the chickens. Here, chick, chick, chick, chick. Here, chick, chick, chick. Come on, chick, chick. Here's some corn for you. Well, I better get some oats for the horse. Hey, for the cow. And... What happened? Our canary stepped on the pig and killed it. I should have gotten suspicious when he bent the bars in his cave. Now, let's get... Oh, look, here comes someone. Hello? Howdy, neighbors. Howdy. Z-carousels. My name live right over the hill. Well, do you have a farm over there? Yep. I raise little of this, little of that, mostly corn. Do your pigs? No, from a still. Oh, you have a still? Yeah. She'll make 20 gallon a day. 20 gallons a day. That isn't much. Well, my old lady don't drink. Here, Zeke. How long you been living around this section? Well, little lady, let me see. No, I moved here in 1918. It's 1948. That's 16 years. Wait a minute, Zeke. From 1918 to now, it's 30 years you've lived here. We don't count the 14 years a prohibition is living, son. Oh. Got any children? Yep. I got two sons, but we ain't seen them since they ran away with the circus 10 years ago. Sure, miss the boy. I'm saying both of them less. Maybe one of them will come back. Ain't likely. They're Siamese twins. Oh, Siamese twins. Yeah, they're pretty attached to each other. Oh, Zeke, you're the barnyard's answer to Phil Harris. By the way, Zeke, is that field over there a part of your farm? Yeah, that's the place where I raise my tobacco, son. Knows where my hired hands out there picking it now. Where? Right over there. Rubin, rubin, we've been thinking what a sad world this would be if we had no Betty Gravel or no LSMFT. Rubin, rubin, we've been working raising those tobacco sprigs to make a pack of lucky strikes for Lampy Boone and Speedy Rakes. Once they went down to the city just to see a burly cue, they came back and brought a sample round and firmed with eyes of blue. Rubin, rubin, we're not joking, mate. No difference where we roam. We will always keep one spoke in luck. You still let cows come home. Puff, puff. Zeke, good to see you all. Well, hello. How are you? More kettles, the name, live right down the road. Which house? No house, just down the road. House? Yep, she's married to Paul Kettle, the laziest man in the state. He's the laziest man in the world. He won't even pick his teeth. I had to go down to the store and pick him for it. Go, kid. Well, what do you know? Here comes Paul Kettle, the lazy critter now. Name is Dennis, but folks call him Paul. Hiya, Paul. Hiya, Zeke. Hiya, folks. Ma, put your arms around me and squeeze me. I feel like exhaling. Better talk a little faster. We won't get off the show. Is there any place to lie down around here? Oh, Paul, stand up for a while. Oh, by the way, what are you folks figuring on raising here? Chickens. I tried if I were you, tried to raise some myself a few years ago. Never had any luck. What happened? I bought 10 hens. They laid up a lot of eggs, but none of them ever did hatch. How many roosters did you have? Oh, roosters! Well, I guess it better be going along now. Gotta go home and help my pig write a letter. Your pig writes letters? I just tell him how to spell. He already has the pen and oink. Oh, Paul Kettle, you're sharper than a potato pancake. You said it. Well, look, folks, my husband and I are just going in to have breakfast. Why don't you come in and join us? It's okay with me. Me too. Pick me up more. Well, come on, let's all go in. Hey, wait a minute. What happened to Zeke? Where's Zeke Harris? Oh, he had to run along. He's got his own show. What? I can stay till Wednesday. On me? On you? Yes, we haven't got a table. Ha! Only been on the farm one day, but you've got corn all over you now. You said it and we just made it. Come on, everybody! Lucky Strike, first again with Tobacco Man. First again with Tobacco Man. As a recent impartial survey reveals, more independent tobacco experts smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. More than the next two leading brands combined. Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Man. That's what the survey shows. Now, listen to what Mr. Garland Fletcher Tilley, 25 years of tobacco buyer, recently said. At auction after auction, I've seen fine, ripe, mild tobacco bought by the makers of Lucky Strike. Tobacco you can't beat for smoke and quality. I've smoked Lucky 17 years. So light up a Lucky and puff by puff. You'll see. LSMFT. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobaccos. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. So smoke the smoke, tobacco experts smoke. Lucky Strike. First again with Tobacco Man. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to take this opportunity to thank Robert Taylor for taking my place on the program last week. He certainly did a great job. Mary, answer the phone, will you? Okay. Hello? Yes, he's here. It's for you, Jack. It's your sponsor. Oh. Hello, LS. How's MFT? What? Oh, I was only trying to be cute. Robert Taylor? No, no, he was on last week. But he was only supposed to be on for one week. But I don't need another vacation. Look, I don't want to go to New York. I've been there. Where? I don't want to go there either. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.