 compliments have that positivity that's infectious that allows other people to feel good about themselves and as johnny said when you recognize a personality trait in someone complimenting that is a really powerful way to start that connection now this is one of our favorite topics yeah and if we're to hop in the way back machine the whole entire premise of starting this podcast was about talking with strangers and learning how to talk more effectively with the opposite sex of course but strangers in essence and i know as an introvert i've had my struggles with this exact thing and i know a lot of extroverts who also struggle with this exact thing why because we now have these devices in our pockets that easily distract us yeah well we were just talking about that on the way over here to do this show which is we are now getting even 10 years later from starting this 13 years of starting this podcast is where we're now getting more and more comfortable with a synchronous communication rather than synchronous conversation because most of our dialogue most of our conversations are being are being held online and of course we didn't know where any of this was going when we first started and but yet here we are and car conversation skills i have gotten worse our connection has gotten worse and now because of the technology and because of us following it with connection in mind we are now seeing the sickness that is i guess a symptom of that and one of the things that we were also discussing and i think it was johan harry who mentioned that these conversations though we're still having them are equal to say if i'm hungry to have a big mac like i'm not going to be hungry but i'm certainly not getting the nutrition nutritional value that i desperately need in order to be for that to be good and our conversations these asynchronous conversations that are being held online are those big macs yeah well synchronous conversation is the most difficult right you have to be in the moment you have to be present you have to be listening with the other person saying and you have to tune out that inner dialogue that's going on asynchronous conversations well those we're used to now and and a lot of us default to that right it's easier to text someone it's easier to facebook message even look at the dating apps most people the data shows they stay on the app they don't have synchronous conversation you know and here's what i was thinking this goes along with this when i was young and when and when you first start to become a teenager it's like 11 12 13 you start getting friends and then you're then you're always on the phone with them so the phone in my house had this long cord and would run underneath the down the hallway underneath the door that's how my dad would find out if i was having conversation with my friends at night but i remember talking to them and i remember thinking about what the future world would be like if you were able to see the person that you're speaking to and and how glorious that moment would be now when i get a FaceTime call on my phone you better believe i'm not going to answer that thing in fact i don't answer it and i text back what do you what do you want why you FaceTime me bro so this idea of this invention that would make all of our lives so much better it is now here and i don't care for it and even when my you know every once in a while my my dad will call me with and i'll answer him he wants to see my face i can understand that certainly with loved ones but if you know to have a regular homie call me up what FaceTime like the who are you doing well it's funny because you know the impetus for starting the show 13 years ago in my basement in in arbor to now and i think back to that journey and obviously who we've had on the show and the guests and the relationships that i've built you know one of the common questions that i get is well do you practice what you preach what makes you an expert how how is it that you are the expert on talking to strangers and if i look back over the last 13 years at my relationships look at my fiance complete strangers met in las vegas sure business partner complete strangers met in dc my friends in la complete strangers met at holiday parties met in elevators met a random house party that we happen to be invited to i mean the list goes on and so many of us are feeling stuck with toxic friends we have that topic on the podcast a popular episode last year feeling stuck with the same people they went to school with the same co workers all because they haven't mastered the art of talking to strangers they haven't been willing to put themselves out there and what we want to do today is talk a little bit about the science behind why it's scary and and why we're struggling in this area and the loneliness epidemic but then also look at the flip side and the impact that talking to strangers has yes it's created business opportunities for us it's created relationships romance you name it so we live and breathe it and now it's something that yes as an introvert it doesn't fire me up but i do get excited when i have those one great conversation those two or three great conversations with strangers that make it all worth it well we've said on the show a million times now which is that all the most important events in your life is going to be centered around there's going to have to be a conversation for those moments now that conversation can be held online however in order for the trust the loyalty the impact the commitment to be there there needs to be that in real life face-to-face conversation where you having it can fill so much more fulfilled and safer than of not having it and one of the other things that we we now know is to the science that goes along with that is even if i'm on facetime i'm still unable to pick up all the facial cues and be able to mimic them to have that connection and and that's unfortunately that's just the facts well i remember so amy's family lives in minnesota and of course i wanted to ask her dad for her hand but i i could not our cross we're not going to pass we weren't going to cross paths here in la or me in minnesota so i had to default to facetime and i remember i have the ring i'm all excited to show him and share the story and then her mom joined in on the facetime and it was one of those moments where like i still couldn't get a good read even though i'm looking at the video you can't pick up on all the signals the nonverbal communication that we talk about on the show and when we rely so heavily on technology and it's become the default for everything delivery we basically go on our phone for that dopamine and of course we've now become accustomed to asynchronous communication always set your phone down i'll think of something witty i'll reply back yeah yeah i don't want to deal with my friend right now i'll respond in a couple hours and we're almost allergic to the phone we're allergic to the synchronous conversations that we needed to be having to really start connecting and opening up opportunity now why is it that talking to someone you don't know is so scary well we've talked about this before but basically it's built into our dna we survived because of it evolutionarily speaking we were tribal and if a stranger from another tribe comes over well he or she probably wanted to do you some harm wanted your resources wanted something from you that was not a very positive outcome so of course we're going to stick to our tribe we're going to stick to the familiar faces we're going to stick to the people we know now fast forward to today that's off we're still running you know we laugh about getting in an elevator and just how many people won't look at you won't say anything won't anywhere neighbors we literally live across the hall from each other and we're not engaging with people or in line or wherever the case may be and we talked about this digital device security blanket so one of my goals for 2020 is to break that habit in myself i do it in the backseat of uber's i do it when i'm at an event where i'll just i'm alone and it's just easier to pull out my device and i i want to break that as a habit that that security blanket is keeping me from the interactions that i know leads all these amazing things in my life well yeah those that's opportunities that are being wasted and when you are good at this when you are comfortable with with socialization you create opportunities now you could still create these opportunities online as well i mean everyone is running seemingly running businesses online now however in order to advance those businesses there's going to be these conversations there's going to be meetings there's going to be lunches and and let's hash it out over drinks that's going to happen and even us we we work in a business we have a lot of remote contractors and team members yes and guess what we still try to do meet in one location fly to them or fly them out to us because it's so impactful and here's the thing in the modern day lifestyle we no longer live in these close-knit communities we are not with our tribe members all the time most of us have family members spread out very few of us are living in that ancestral state and of course we're now wondering why do i feel lonely why do i feel like i don't belong why do i feel disconnected and at the same time everyone at this point probably agrees for the most part there's nothing wrong with talking to strangers unlike that advice you got as a kid there's nothing wrong with talking to strangers in fact talking to the person on the bus sitting next to you talking to the person in the elevator no harm and in fact there's benefit to it science shows and it certainly beats staring at the phone i know myself when i even as an introvert when i've had those great conversations i walk away inspired feeling really great and scientists call this minimal social interactions and they fulfill a basic human need of sociability in fact they create intimacy in a study done by gillian sandstorm and elizabeth dunn that's titled is efficiency overrated minimal social interactions lead to belonging in positive effect this was published in 2013 the researchers split participants into two groups the control group was asked to just order their coffee like a normal person and the other group was asked to go in and actually have a chat with the person making your coffee the barista and guess which participants left the coffee shop feeling better it's an easy guess yeah it wasn't the control group and similar studies have done on commuter trains and waiting rooms it's all the same this is called fleeting intimacy or street intimacy it allows us to feel connected and that sense of belonging that we're all craving with very very small doses it's nothing heavy lifting it's nothing that should scare us but we're not doing it we're not engaging in it i have heard of that referred to as your social biome and the study that i had saw i was just released in in on ink.com and it was it basically they have all the research and data back now that shows that the longer you have these fleeting interactions the the less stress the more happy and the and the overall security and safety that you feel with within your environment yeah i mean it without a doubt that intimacy is something we crave that connection is something we crave and it starts with talking to strangers for for most of our lives we are going to be walking to situations where we don't know someone and guess what good news it's actually easier to talk to strangers and we're going to talk about a little bit later some simple ways that we can do this but why is it easier well number one we can assume the other person doesn't know our backstory so yeah we have free reign to create that narrative with someone new and we have to explain everything to do it you know how many of us spend time with our significant others our best friends our siblings we know every freaking story we know the words we know exactly where it's going to go it's not interesting i'm sure that both of us can repeat stories that each one of us have told each other over the 13 years several times oh absolutely we laugh with all of our clients on saturday when we're wrapping up the bootcamp at graduation dinner and of course everyone wants to hear stories what was the craziest bootcamp experience what did you have to deal with what's been the most fun who have you met while out on bootcamp right all those great stories and it's now at a point where we finish each other's stories i can start it you can finish it we know the stories inside and out why because we experience them together for the most part we've told them together we know the other person's stories so with people we're familiar with people we're close with we don't have that luxury right and of course if we start explaining if i start explaining something you're like dude i already know this come on stop wasting my time here but with strangers we have that ability to create our narrative explain everything to them and we have really have nothing to lose it's a it's a use it or lose it situation i hear this all the time well i i'm i'm witty online i got this going on there and i had these conversations get the zingers online and we've heard it all before but there is that and and of course there is benefits to being able to put that together but you have time as a luxury to be able to put this stuff together sure though the zinger in the moment is going to be better but it still works on the long term however let's have you trying to hold court or in a conversation having some verbal sparring going on with somebody that you're interested in or somebody that you're creating a relationship with so that uh those relationships can be forged to help your businesses go and without doing that your those opportunities are slipping through your hands and this last point which i i love and and it's sort of counterintuitive but it really is how human nature works people are much more likely to open up to strangers in these situations and we'll actually cover that in some more detail a little bit later but you'd be surprised some of the shocking information i've gotten from complete strangers conversations with uber drivers conversations in an elevator people are willing to share if we are present if we're willing to actually take that first step and ask them how their day is genuinely and ask them something about their lives that's important to them you know this is important to us we build a business around it it's also important to humankind because it's for there's health benefits that are wrapped around it as well and so i always try to make it a point of to put myself out there but wherever i'm at even even if it were waiting for the car outside of the studio i'll end up chatting with somebody because i see something of interest um but i can't tell you how many times i've heard somebody ask me well how'd you guys meet oh that guy oh we met on the street a few years ago but you just met him on the street yeah i just started bullshitting with him because of xx i like to choose he was standing at shapeshark i seen him a couple times i mean it's it's just how that goes that people are like wait you guys didn't know each other and you met each other on the street well yeah shoes were appealing or he was wearing something unique and i took interest in it and i've built so many relationships around those types of run-ins they're normal to me however i'm i've also seen them especially for the younger generation coming to program where they find that so fascinating and so bizarre because there was no there was no pre context to any right well there was no reason for you to cross paths it was serendipitous but that's the thing that creates opportunities that grows your network that grows your social capital all those amazing things we've been talking about in the podcast all blossom from strangers having conversations with you but a lot of us and this is something that i wanted to spell because i feel like you know people listening to this are like oh but i do talk to strangers you know i'm open and i'm extroverted and i don't need this sort of thing and the people who take your program must be complete shut-ins and that's just not the case the truth of the matter is we all are running on autopilot for much of our day-to-day lives yep we are not looking for these opportunities and we are easily distracted by devices or other things in our lives and for us it's easy to look back and be like well i look around and most of my friends were complete strangers to me i certainly have the friends from school i have the friends that i grew up with but most of my friends my business partner my fiance absolute stranger there is no close tie there was no one in my network that set it up yet these are some of the best relationships i have in my life and what's going to happen after you graduate you're going to get a piece of paper that you're going to want to use to advance your career as far as possible as you can and a lot of times you're going to have to move to a place that is going to help with that career or at least put you in the mix of allowing yourself to have those opportunities to do that which means you're going to be at a place where your buddies from college or high school or the kids you grew up in are not around which means you're going to have to start from scratch and you're going to have to build relationships of the stranger that you met sitting next to at a bar because he had this a pendant of a team that you root for and now there's so much opportunity to practice this skill this is not something that you need to be in a specific environment to practice that you have to go drive across town literally there are strangers all around us there are ample opportunities to practice these skills we're going to cover a little bit later and here's a few factors that should actually make some introverts smile and make it a little bit easier for them you're not looking for prolonged conversation that was stranger so you're not going to drain those metaphorical batteries of socialization that we're talking about and you're in no way required to go deep with what you're talking about no one's asking you to pour your heart out it be super vulnerable with strangers it is light it is simple it is not complicated so it shouldn't be taxing on us introverts and it's perfectly acceptable to end a conversation at any point without being rude because you don't owe it to anyone no you're strangers you're in passing now that's the best part there are absolutely no expectations and when we start to remove expectations we start to remove pressure from us and hopefully start viewing all the opportunity around us we can start planning some new seeds growing a new garden removing some of the toxic influences from our life now let me get 10 seconds here if you've been enjoying the show over the last couple years or the last 13 years even and taking what you've been learning these practical tips and putting them into practice and getting value each week your next step might be coming out to LA for a week long boot camp imagine diving deeper into these conversation skills that we're talking about here and gaining the courage and the power to have charismatic conversations with strangers and diving deeper to become a top performer with these advanced social skills i'd love to chat with you head on over to the articharm.com slash apply to learn more about our programs now i want to talk about the simple techniques that we can use to open up this world of opportunity hopefully you've now heard all the opportunity around you and realizing from us that we actually walk the walk we're talking to strangers and of course making great relationships with said strangers and when people ask us about the guests we've had on the show or how we've had these opportunities in our lives nine times out of ten i could point to a stranger at some point making introductions coming into our circle and all of a sudden magic happening so the first easiest way to get this ball moving in the right direction is to take your eyes off your phone off your iPad off your device off your Apple watch whatever screen you have in front of your face and just gaze briefly around the room at the people around you and see if it's reciprocated now can we just look into that pun intended just for a second how many people when they heard that we're just gonna stare at random people we're just gonna look in their direction what if they're looking in my direction well that's how these things start there's nothing wrong with that right there's absolutely nothing wrong with glancing at strangers and strangers glancing back and in fact for up until this time period i mean that's what we did we go out to social engagements and you scan the room for people who look fun warm attractive interesting and your first point to that is to make the contact or maybe they smile or maybe they put their head down in a in a shy way and you're like oh it's on i'm gonna go over and say hello it reminds me of the high school dance right your first high school dance you get there the girls are on one side of the gym name and the boys are on the other and you kind of talk into amongst each other and then all of a sudden you start glancing over okay who's kind of looking back here oh who's who's smiling oh i'm gonna walk up and ask her to dance i wonder at what point we are going to see a trend phase craze whatever you want to call it of bars taking people's phones as they enter that's happened it's there we're now happening oh night clubs have been removing them for obvious reasons but also bars and they've also put scramblers up so you can't use your cell phone in the bar so it's basically there you go there you go i mean it was a dead zone i it wasn't it was it was going to happen sooner or later yeah because listen these devices these screens are taking away from this exact moment we're talking about if i'm putting in the money to to blow out this nightclub it with the the production and the ambiance and the excitement where i want people to come back weekly i don't want a room that is staring at their screens you're killing it you're killing it you're killing the vibe and what are people gonna say yeah it was there it was all right well it was all right you you have not allowed yourself to take on everything that was built meticulously put together put together we've had club builders on the show our buddy Derek and we know the painstaking efforts that go into the layout the design and every piece to that place and you're gonna walk in and get on your phone i don't think so it's happening not enough it should be happening more it's going to but the screens are definitely distracting and and as johnny was saying there's a difference between a gaze and a stare a stare will more likely cause a negative reaction as pbl's worth and her team showed in their study the stare is a stimulus to flight in human subjects yep a series of field experiments what they showed was when we stare with intent we actually strike that fight or flight mechanism in the other person they feel the tension so we're talking about here is a gaze with a smile and we're looking to see if that smile is reciprocated right a simple signal but we're not doing it enough now here's one that's like oh my god brain dead simple how many people are listening to this right now thinking well a good thing i got tender i don't have to worry about i don't stare at anybody who's at my screen saying hello or how are you or similar phrases you know it's funny because i have friends that i've met simply by saying hello standing in line at a networking event for a refreshment yep and people ask later like how did you guys meet well i said hello he said hello whoa that's how you met yeah that's how people have met for ages but for some reason even the people googling and finding our site they're like well i can't say hello i need something more magical to start up the conversation but hello works and this is called fatic communication it's almost without factual information or meaning and it has tremendous social value because the value lies in acknowledging the other person by simply saying how are you hello we acknowledge them we enter their reality and of course they reciprocate it's simple there's there's other ways to go about it as well high fives cheers a lot of these these are these are all fatic communication now number three here i love i do this all the time and the reason i love it so much is because it forces me to be present in the moment you can't make a casual comment about the shared space or experience if you're not actually experiencing it right so in order to find something to strike up conversation about whether it's the cocktails or whether it's the massive line at the networking event or whether it's the fact that the bus was late whatever the case may be you have to be fully present off your device paying attention to the world around you in the experience to have a shared comment on it think about this when if you're listening to this at home think about the last time you left your house without your phone when was the last time i didn't run back immediately didn't run back immediately when was the last time you left the house without your phone for an extended amount of time let's say four hours it's been years hasn't it not purposely yeah i've done it accidentally and the whole time i've been feeling phantom vibrations in my pocket and wondering what's going on with my phone of course and then you know there's a of course there's a part of us that goes that says to ourselves well people used to be able to do this all the time this was the norm how did that how did they ever get a singularity is here we are part device now making this casual comment about the shared space or experience this is called triangulation and it's powerful because it starts a conversation with low commitment you're not talking about the other person you're not putting any pressure on anybody or you're not even talking about yourself you're literally talking about a third element separate of two of you and if it's the bus if it's a pink poodle whatever the case may be it's again very low commitment for the other person to join in and the best part about it is it puts you in the moment it makes you more present now it's not searching for the craziest thing but even the most simple of observations can strike up that conversation whether it's the traffic in la which of course is causal comment constantly whether it's the traffic in la which is of course a casual comment for pretty much everybody these days or the line how long things are taking or how much you enjoy the drink it opens up a world of conversation that creates these opportunities that we're talking about now number four is one that we recommend a lot in our programs as well and this is a compliment now it needs to be genuine it needs to be respectful sure and we don't need to go into the difference between a crass compliment and a real compliment but when you notice something about someone else that you appreciate sharing that whether it's their taste in music their taste in clothes the way they did their hair you would be amazed at how powerful just a simple compliment is striking up that conversation allowing the other person to feel good and if you're a little bit worried about how that will come off you can use what we call a trait compliment which is just it's it's slightly deeper it's beyond the surface and so it shows that you were actually paying attention and it's not some superficial thing you just said to get somebody's attention yeah and compliments of course can be a little terrifying right you don't want to come across too strong you don't want to come across as hitting on someone but compliments have that positivity that's infectious that allows other people to feel good about themselves and as johnny said when you recognize a personality trait in someone complimenting that is a really powerful way to start that connection so in our boot camps our social skills training programs we film you interacting with our coaches because a lot of what we're talking about here a lot of these signals nonverbal communication what our body is doing when nervous we're not aware of no we're focused either on our internal monologue of what's going on upstairs or we're focusing on the other person everything that they're doing so we film you interacting that's video work that johnny's referring to and what do you see in this video work johnny well the tape doesn't first of all the tape doesn't lie you can't escape you can't escape video but along with that is let's just say that you are very comfortable bantering with your friends and you're pretty witty and you always got some remark in a zinger and if that is your your go-to humor and you're a little bit nervous or you're you're out where you're not the most comfortable so you focus inward you're going to go to what you already know and so it's that kind of humor that usually is your go-to and that comes out and how many times week after week through our video girls who to help us with this video go where did you get that and that is the most horrible thing i've heard why i'm so offended and and i i love it this is my favorite there is this is the light bulb going off because for whoever it is is doing the video work who is participating they now have seen something that they have been doing for most of their adult life and getting poor results because of it and i've finally now has i've had that pointed out so they can fix it and it's not so easy to fix because this is reinforced programming that you have been doing to yourself for years it needs to be rewired but at least you now know the cause of the bad for suppression yeah we have to make it conscious to fix it yeah and a lot of us are doing these things subconsciously and when we are starting to pay attention to strangers that's when these opportunities start to appear as johnnie was saying on video work unfortunately a lot of us we're so focused internally on our own dialogue on our own behaviors the way we're being judged that we don't see all these other opportunities to be present to strike up conversations with strangers and this is one of the concepts that we've covered on the show before but i want to talk about because it just works so well and that is the conversation formula and a lot of us think oh i'll just ask someone for something and that's a great way to strike up a conversation but it's transactional right you're asking for directions you're asking for the time and you get that answer and it's a dead end it doesn't really go anywhere what we focus on is ask a question that is not transactional ask something about them ask about their opinion and then share your opinion back in the form of a statement so you ask a question you listen to their answer and you reply in the form of a statement and that eases itself in naturally into a conversation because one you're taking interest in them and two you're showing a willingness to share something about yourself and your your statement should not be oh that's cool because you've just shut it back down this whole point was to open it up for dialogue it needs to be a shared statement about yourself and incorporating their answer and what we we see a lot is if you're nervous the questions will just tend to keep coming because well you've gotten something out they answered so next question but you can only ask so many questions before the conversation starts to get weird it'll start to collapse on itself because you're not contributing to it as with the other person and then we use this jelly bean jar brunet brown uses it with vulnerability but if i'm chatting with aj and he's asking me questions every time i answer i have to throw jelly beans at the jar if he's not giving me a a shared statement contributing to this conversation well after a few questions i'm the only one contributing and then this is why it will begin to feel uh as an interrogation for me and if it feels like an interrogation on my end i am not going i am not going to want to continue the conversation yeah you're going to start to withdraw so and you'll see it on video yes first they'll withdraw with their body language crossing their arms leaning a little bit back looking around the room and they're going to start to withdraw with their attention they're going to start to pay less attention to what you're saying because they feel like you're taking information and this is key that's cool that's awesome that's rad is fine as long as you add a because and say why give them the reason you think that's cool why that's rad oh it's rad because i grew up two towns over that's so cool because that was my first favorite band growing up whatever the case may be you have to say because and answer the why you feel that way not just agree with them in improv and this is an incredible tactic it's called the yes and tactic so you answer with an emphatic yes show some enthusiasm and then you can give your statement afterwards now the conversation formula i love i use it constantly it's one of our guys and gals favorite tools to use to strike up conversations it should be in your back pocket using questions and allowing that answer to be utilized through a shared statement as johnny said so question answer statement listen to their answer reply in a statement that simple formula i found i haven't even had to ask more than two questions three max before the other person starts taking interest in me because i've one been curious about them showcase some interest in what they're doing or what's going on around us and two i've showed a willingness to share now it's not deep vulnerability you don't have to get into your whole backstory or your autobiography but those two things curiosity and a willingness to share opens up these opportunities for conversations with strangers so if you're listening to this and that your first thoughts are i don't like going out because it always ends up in small talk and not really going anywhere that's on you that's bad tactics that is bad tools that is bad conversation that you are able to fix people who are out in these situations socially they want to enjoy everybody wants to have fun and enjoy great conversation but if you are lacking in those tools well of course the conversations are not going to be good at some point you have to take responsibility for those conversations yeah let's talk about common pitfalls here with people who hate small talk number one common pitfall is they're not sharing nope so the conversation doesn't ever get outside of small talk nope you're not sharing the things that interest you so it feels small it feels like it's just a trait of information that's useless so focusing on sharing what matters to you second thing you're not asking the right questions you're asking the same boring questions that everyone is expecting why don't you ask someone what are you excited about what are you looking forward to in 2020 and if we're not disclosing information that's interesting it's small talk if we're not asking the right questions we're focused on small talk and the last thing that i want to say is we don't need to be allergic to small talk small talk leads to big talk if you're willing to take control now if you're listening to this and you're saying oh man i hate small talk i can never seem to break out of it you might want to check out the rest of our toolbox episode exactly about this phenomenon there's no reason to feel stuck in small talk and there's certainly too much bashing of small talk great conversations have all started with small talk and don't you cannot rely on the other person to do all the work if you made the attempt to go over there and say hello you have to be willing to take the responsibility of the conversation to get it moving because let's look at it let's look at it for what it is you saw somebody that you wanted to say hello to so you made the effort to go over there now that person is in a position where first they have to make sure that they're safe they don't know you why you're coming over they're going to be a little bit you're going to put them in a position to be slightly nervous in small talk disarms and small talk disarms and so we need that however if you start asking questions and you're not contributing to the conversation and you're not willing to take responsibility for your end you've put all of the pressure on the other person who is already nervous because you walked over there and said hello right so you amplified that pressure do you see how selfish that is i hope so let's say what's happening because a lot of us don't realize that a lot of us are a little bit blinded of like well hey i walked over why is this person not giving me more information why is this person not disarmed and willing to share well what happens with that they go over they make an attempt they don't contribute they put the other person in a position to be a bit nervous so they're on guard it doesn't vary it doesn't go well and then they come back you well that person was a jerk but now you're gonna dump off the conversation not going anywhere because because because they're jerks because they're stuck up i mean the audacity now this last point we want to make and this is a really powerful one it's scary it's intimidating yes i will admit that but it's a really powerful one and i experienced this it was a little contrived but it really was remarkable so i went to a networking event up in the hills here in LA and the host a buddy of mine he had everyone sit down and of course we don't know each other so everyone thinks icebreakers everyone thinks oh let's just do the small talk and get it over with as we're sitting in a circle he goes all right i want you to share two things with the group what you're excited about and what you're struggling with and it was a little tense everyone kind of was like whoa i i didn't want to get that vulnerable soon and he's like i'll go first he's like i'm excited about this new app that i'm developing but i'm really struggling with building out a remote team and everyone was like oh okay and then as we went around the circle the struggles got more and more real i'm struggling with time management i'm struggling financially i'm struggling in my relationship and you start to see the power and leading with vulnerability when you are willing to tell a stranger and share something deep with you something personal first that stranger is more likely to reciprocate and follow your lead than you would imagine and it was remarkable we were complete strangers the group didn't know each other and he was like sit down we're not doing the normal nametag icebreaker stuff and immediately after that going around the circle everyone felt so connected and the conversations were really transformational people were helping each other they were getting excited about overcoming roadblocks and that event of all the events i've been to really stood out for me to illustrate this point that if we can lead with a little bit of vulnerability right it doesn't have to be your deepest dark it's it doesn't have to be your deepest darkest secrets but if you're willing to lead with a little vulnerability i'm struggling with this i'm frustrated with that i'm concerned about this you'd be surprised at how easily that opens up conversations with strangers and it's not boring small talk something has to give in those situations and i was good of your buddy to put that together and start that it brings me to remembering the time that you and amy did the murder mystery party and you invited me and i was out of my element because there wasn't many people there that i knew however i wanted to participate you guys asked me so of course and i hey i'm always interested in that kind of stuff so i was laughing because the first i guess hour was just people arriving and and because there was a lot of people from several different uh social groups everyone got there hung out with their clicks and were on their phone within their circle and staring at their screen and what i laugh about is of course then we played the game and everyone was loosened up and everyone was now knew each other and had a great conversation and the game went really well because everyone had a character to play right they could put on their social mass yeah that would alleviate the pressure of actually having to connect with people now my question goes to how long would it have taken to have to get to that place if we if that game wasn't inserted for us to play it could have been all evening i mean that's just where we are now yeah and i think the other side of the coin is when you're willing to offer up some information right instead of taking information from the other person when you're willing to offer up a piece of vulnerability there is a reciprocity in that that it is hidden that a lot of people don't realize because we're so afraid and we have a great experiment that was run on this exact fact you are more likely to share something personal with a stranger than you are with close connections it's strange you know i was talking to a client on the phone yesterday and he was like you know my friends jokingly refer to me as a safe that they can't crack because i just i build the shell i put up a wall and these are his friends calling him a safe but that's so low stakes with strangers it's so low stakes with someone you don't know to share something a little vulnerable there is not the implicit judgment attached they don't know you you don't have to walk away from it feeling as intentionally as intensely judged as you do with people you know now sydney jarard in self disclosure and experimental analysis of the transparent self wrote disclosure begets disclosure in short it's actually easier to be vulnerable around strangers and they'll reciprocate much more frequently than our friends will and that's because it's an interaction with someone that you're not likely to see again so there is not this pressure that we put on ourselves around being vulnerable being open and in fact if you can lead with a little bit of vulnerability some light vulnerability as we talk about you'd be amazed at how amazingly deep those conversations get without the small talk that everyone seems to dread now here's where it gets a little counterintuitive this doesn't work with just facts all right the reciprocity goes out of the window if we're just sharing facts and that's because facts are less interesting than learning something personal about the other person right so it's not facts the vulnerability comes with the emotion sharing a little bit of your emotional state whether you're excited whether you're nervous whether you're anxious in fact we've laughed right how many times have we gone out with clients and said just be honest hey I'm a little nervous that's my first time in LA I'm a little nervous calling out the emotion that you're feeling is like a breath of fresh air when everyone else is trying to be someone they're not and put on this social mask you can be real with what you're feeling and share it with a stranger and it changes the dynamic of that conversation so in prepping for this episode I wanted to spell out what you get when you're good with conversation when you're experienced with it when you've put in the work compared to what you get when you're not and so that you can see how incredibly important this is so one of the things is being able to control the emotions in the conversation right so if you're chatting with somebody and they're negative without being experienced conversation with dissolves the weaker stronger frame dissolves a weaker one you are now stuck in their conversation in their frame you're you are unable to get it out of there you have to just go with the flow so one number two wit and when I talk about wit I mean all the components to it there is so much art to great conversation that without experiencing it and learning about it you're going to miss out and when I say wit I mean all the pieces that go come along with it like sarcasm and irony and humor and though and there's and it is displayed in so many different places and you might be able to pick it up in reading a great novel and reading some great literature or reading a great tweet but if you're nervous if you have some anxiety going on and you're focused inward you're unable to see those things number three it's to be able to frame things properly so that you can articulate your vision or what it is that you are looking at to the person you're speaking with very important yeah it's hard to get your point across if it's the first time getting that point across so practicing becoming more experienced allows you to develop those skills being a great storyteller as we've covered in a toolbox stories don't happen magically you have to practice you have to get in tune with the audience and be able to read people and that comes through experience and I every time I read one of these I know I can hear somebody in the audience thinking I do it great online I'm a great storyteller when I'm writing these out or when my friends read my post that's not what we're talking about here we're talking about synchronous communication right I mean there's cadence there's intonation as you heard and here's the thing you can get this experience relatively easily by talking to strangers yes that's really the goal of this episode is to understand whether you are experienced or inexperienced you can gain these skills by opening up and talking to strangers this is a big one we did an episode about this and this is one of the most important components to great conversation which is being able to identify and validate and roll with emotional bids yeah emotional bids it's when people are trying to connect with you they are expressing themselves in emotional bids Dr. John Gottman coined the term we've talked about it a lot on the show and many of us have never encountered that phrase we don't know what emotional bids are and it's one of those powerful moments in boot camps where a light bulb goes off of like now I see why my significant other was struggling to communicate with me or was frustrated with me or why I was fighting with my boss I wasn't paying attention to the emotional bid his attempt to connect with me was completely shut down because I was turning away from them yes we had Michael Sorenson on who wrote the book I hear you which talks about these emotional bids and once again when we do video work we the first thing that we ask is okay what were the emotional bids in that conversation and the first answer usually is what because you've missed them all and if you're missing emotional bids you're not being able to validate the other person uh flirting you get better with flirting when you get better with conversation it goes with the wit and humor also your ability to critique somebody without criticizing them right to actually have a spirited debate and discussion without turning it into a direct criticism of the other person or undercutting your argument when you think about all of those components and all those skills that are able to be developed and cultivated and get to get better at communication I mean the the opportunities that you have on through your daily and weekly routine to sharpen these skills are there in front of you it's up to you of whether or not you are interested in getting better yeah and we gave you some simple strategies that you can use this week so take out the air pods pause the podcast and start talking to strangers and you're going to start to see a world of opportunity socially relationally and professionally open up just by having more conversations with people you don't know