 J.T. Calhoun! Oh! The Jell-O program, starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with Baby Me. If you have a family of football fans, you know what an afternoon at the game can do to their appetites. Send them zooming up higher than a kite. So be prepared with a good hearty meal and for dessert, that all-star favorite, Jell-O. You always win with Jell-O. You make a touchdown every time. It's so good to look at. Gare than the college colors. Cheerful and bright and appetizing. And so good to eat. Jell-O's rich, successful fruit flavors make a real occasion out of every meal. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. All six are chuck full of extra-rich flavor that tastes as tempting as the ripe fruit itself. There are dozens and dozens of different ways to serve Jell-O and you'll find attractive recipes on every package. So look for those big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O. Played by the orchestra. Now, folks, as you all know, 447 years ago last Thursday, Christopher Columbus discovered America. That's right, Don. To finance this expedition, he borrowed a huge sum of money from Queen Isabella of Spain. Yeah. So tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who Columbus would have had trouble with, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, although I appreciate your timely introduction, aren't you assuming too much? What do you mean? Well, how do you know Columbus would have had trouble borrowing money from me? That's just a wild guess. Well, Jack, I was merely trying to be topical, that's all. Last Thursday was Columbus Day, and I wanted to tie you in with him. Well, Don, tying me in with Columbus is indeed flattering, but you didn't have to make me tight. He didn't make you tight, he just lifted the veil. Oh, he did. Now listen, Phil, you too, Don. We're beginning a new season, and I think we ought to make a few changes. I'm sure there are more vital things to talk about than me being tight. I am awfully sorry, Jack. Me too. Don, I believe. You know, fellas, this is only our second broadcast, and during this new season, we ought to try and get on more believable subjects. You're right, Jack. We've all been picking on you too much. You said it, Mary. Imagine saying I wouldn't finance Columbus. If I'd have been living in those days, I would have been glad to loan him the money. Yes, but he'd had a tough time sailing that boat with one arm. Mary, I wouldn't have asked for collateral. To hear you talk, you think I never spent a dime. Well? Well, nothing. What about that party? Well, what about that party I threw Wednesday night at the coconut grove? What party? You know what party. It was one at the coconut grove. Didn't I pay the check for 10 people? Didn't I leave a big tip? Yeah, but you took a tree home for firewood. I did not. I just took a few branches that fell off, so don't exaggerate. Boy, that's rich. Benny the wood chopper. Bill, get this straight. I didn't go to the coconut grove Wednesday night to chop down any trees. Then why did you wear that lumberjack shirt? That wasn't a lumberjack shirt. That was my tuxedo shirt that was washed with some plaid socks. So there. Why, Jack, you ought to sue the laundry. He can't. He can't. He did it himself. Well, you're certainly right up on your toes tonight, Miss Livingston. Mine is quite a contrast to your opening performance last Sunday. You said it, Jack. Oh, boy, was I nervous. I nearly fainted. I'll say you did. It's a wonder you couldn't control yourself. You've been on the air before. Why all the worry? Did you ever have a strap break in the middle of a program? Oh, I see. So that's what happened. Say, Mary, is that why you borrowed my fraternity pin? Yeah. Phil, how can a hillbilly that only went as far as third grade have a fraternity pin? What are you talking about? I'm a college man. What college? Cornpone Tech. Cornpone Tech? Yeah. Cornpone, cornpone. Here we come. Shave and a haircut. Bay rum. Oh, a barber college. Well. Well, I'm certainly glad to know that, Phil. Right after the program, I'll let you cut my hair. OK. Just send it over to the Wilshire Bowl. All right, Smartie. No cover charge. Mary. Now, wait a minute, Phil. That's another topic I want to smist this season. I don't want to hear another word about my toupee because I don't wear one. What's that over your right ear, a squirrel? Now, Mary, cut it out and let's change the subject. Say, Don, come here a minute, will you? What is it, Jack? What is it, Jack? What is it, Jack? Did you hear any nice reports on our opening program last Sunday? I mean, was there any good comment on it? Why, yes, everyone I talked with liked it very much and they were especially enthusiastic about our new tenor, Dennis Day. Oh, that's swell. Of course, he was a little nervous his first time on the air, you know. Well, I have to admit, Jack, I was pretty nervous myself. I had the shakes, too. Phil, you've never had anything that a good night's sleep won't cure. But really, Don, I'm very happy about Dennis. Of course, I'm going to have to do something about that mother of his. Oh, boy, what I've gone through with her already. Well, after all, Jack, it's a mother's instinct to look after the best interests of her son. I know that, Don, but I don't want her around while we're broadcasting. Well, why don't you put your foot down, Jack? Why don't you threaten her? Threaten her? Did you ever get a load of her muscles? Look, we've been on the air ten minutes and they haven't shown up yet. And you know why? Because I told her to be here on time. Oh, Jack, you're just imagining things. Mrs. Day seems to be a very nice woman. Don, you don't have to put up with her like I do. She's always interfering with my business. She came over to my house the other day and made Dennis stop mowing the lawn. How do you like that? Don't tell me you got that kid mowing your lawn already. Well, it keeps him out of mischief and besides, Dennis was perfectly willing to do it. He should be. You got it in his contract. I have not. His mother took it out. Anyway, my lawn sure looks nice, half mowed. Well, why don't you make Rochester finish it? Oh, I told him to and he took the lawn mower back to the neighbors. Anyway, fellas, getting back to Mrs. Day, if she doesn't... Jeepers, that must be her now. Don't say anything, fellas. Come in. Well, Andy. Hiya, Buck! Well, Andy, it's about time you showed up. I was expecting you to drop in last Sunday. I couldn't make it, Buck. I had to drive Ma on part of the Pomona Fair. We never miss it. Oh, the Pomona Fair. Say, did your mother win first prize again on her famous elderberry wine? Well, she was expecting to, Buck, but Pa was all alone in the backseat with the jug. Oh, so he drank it, eh? I think so. We passed an orange grove on the way and Pa said, Holy smokes, look at that sunset. Well, then you're probably right. Say, Andy, they generally have pretty good exhibits at the Pomona Fair. How are they this year? Well, the farm products were wonderful. You know, Buck, they had an ear of corn there three feet long. What was that, Andy? I knew you'd be interested. Well, I'm glad you had such a good time, Andy. By the way, did you get a chance to tune in on our show last week? I sure did, Buck. How'd you like our new tenor, Dennis Day? Oh, he was great, but Ma was a little disappointed. She thought I was gonna sing this year. That's all we need. Yeah. Now, wait a minute, Andy. You're not a tenor. I am on some words. You're a quartet on some words. Well, stick around, Andy. I'll have you meet the kid. He'll be here pretty soon. I'd like to, Buck, but I gotta run along now. Why, Andy, what's your hurry? Well, my girl's picking me up in front of the studio. Oh, you're a girlie. Who is she? Whoever picks me up. So long, Buck! Hey, that Andy is getting to be quite a devil. Well, come on, Phil. Let's get going with the show. How about a number? Okay, Jackson, would you like a newie or an oldie? Phil, just play a goodie if you can. A newie or an oldie. A newie or an oldie. The sound and writing played by Phil Harris and his orchestra. And Phil, in all fairness to you, the band sounded very good. Much better than last week. What are you talking about? The music was sensational last week. Sensational? Yeah, did you see that marvelous ride up? I got the musical curio. The musical what? Curio. I got it right here. Let's see that. Curio, that's courier, musical courier. He owns a fraternity pin yet. If I could trust that strap, I'd give it back. Yeah, I don't blame you. What does the ride up say, Phil? Ah, it's a rave from start to finish. You read it, Jackson. I don't want to sound hammy. Okay, it says musical review. Phil Harris and his orchestra are back again on the Jello program this year. And on the opening broadcast Sunday, October 8th, we can only say that the music was abominable. You said bad, eh? In all selections played, the brass was turbulent and the strings were as stagnant as anything this reporter has ever heard. And that guy's one of the best critics in the country. He certainly is, Phil, so that's what you call a rave notice, eh? Sure, I got a scrapbook full of that stuff. Did you hear that, Mary? He saves those kind of ride-ups. Maybe he's gonna blackmail himself. That must be it. What are you kids talking about? Why, that's one of the best ride-ups I ever got. Did you notice them big words? Phil, this review says that your music was abominable, turbulent, stagnant. If you take a bow on that, it proves that you're definitely an illiterate egomaniac. No kidding. Gee, that went to his head, too. Yeah. Well, I give up. I did my best. Now, let's drop all this nonsense and get down to business. Well, say, Jack. Yes, Don. Speaking of ride-ups, our opening program got a lovely notice in the Grocer's Journal. Oh, in the Grocer's Journal, eh? Have you got it with you, Don? Yes, right here it is. It says, uh, the Jello program opened its fall season last Sunday night with the most enjoyable half-hour. It was a distinct pleasure to hear Don Jolly Boy Wilson. Jolly Boy? Again, remind us that Jello is not only economical and easy to make, but that it comes in six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, irons, lemon, and lime. Well, that's very nice, Don. Doesn't it say anything about the rest of us? Oh, yes. It says, uh, Jack Benny, Mary Livingston, and Phil Harris maintain perfect silence as Mr. Wilson, in a voice vibrant with emotion, stressed the importance of insisting on genuine Jello with its big red letters on the bottom. Well, that's a marvelous review, Don. You went over very big. You know, fellas, when you get that... Say, Jack, here comes Dennis Day now. Where? Right behind his mother. Oh, yes. Hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Well, did you hear that, Dennis? That shows everybody liked you last week. You were a big hit. Gee, it all seems like a dream to me. Well, I can imagine. Oh, hello, Mrs. Day. How do you do? And, uh, how are you, Miss Livingston? I'm fine. Thank you. Mary, uh, now, Dennis... Yes, please? Uh, now, Dennis... Dennis, I don't want to harp on any particular subject because this is all new to you. But as I told you last Sunday, it's rather important that you be here on time. You were a little late again today. I'm very sorry, Mr. Benny. That's quite all right. You see, we haven't lived out here very long. You've apologized, Dennis. That's enough. But, Mrs. Day, your son was just trying to be courteous. That's all. He said he was sorry. That's all that's necessary. Oh, brother. What was that? I said, oh, brother. I was talking to my brother. He's sitting in the eighth row. Hello, Sam. My goodness. Now, Dennis... Dennis, tell me, did you hear any nice comments about your singing last week? I mean, did your friends like you? Oh, yes, Mr. Benny. Gee, I was so thrilled that I took the first paycheck you gave me and framed it. Oh, you framed your check? You mean you're not even going to cash it? No, sir, never. This is the happiest moment of Jack's life. Now, Mary, I'm glad he sent a mental. It shows good character, Dennis. Thanks for the frame, Mr. Benny. Never mind. You know, Dennis, I'm one of the friends who thought you were grand last week. You went over very well. Sure, the kid went over. Say, Mrs. Day, how'd you like to weigh my orchestra accompanied your son? Since you asked me, I thought the music was a bum. There you are, Jackson. Everyone says so. Phil, I can't stand this any longer. I'm going to explain this whole thing to you in your native tongue. When that critic said your music was a bum, and it only meant that you weren't jiving, that you were off the beam. You mean I wasn't in the groove, I wasn't hip? Exactly. Well, dummy up on that mama, Jackson. Well, don't take it so hard, Phil. We all get bad write-ups once in a while. Shucks, and I just subscribed to that paper for 25 years. Well, that's too bad. Oh, Jackie, shouldn't have told him. He was so ignorant and happy. I did it for his own good, Mary. Phil's been getting pretty conceited lately. Is that so? Yes, Phil. You know, there's an old Chinese proverb that says, when orchestra leader gets kick in pants, swelling in head, go down. Remember that, Phil. Now, Dennis. Yes, please? Dennis, we're ready for a number. Have you got your song prepared for tonight? Oh, indeed I have, Mr. Benny. Okay, so now, ladies and gentlemen, Dennis Day, our young vocal discovery, will sing that old and popular favorite, Melancholy Baby. Dennis is not going to sing Melancholy Baby. He's going to sing Cinderella, Stay in My Arms. Now, Mrs. Day, I've arranged with Dennis to sing Melancholy Baby. It's my favorite towards them. Dennis is singing Cinderella, Stay in My Arms. Now, just one minute, Mrs. Day. Whose program is this? It's up for grabs. Stay out of this, Mary. Ladies and gentlemen, Dennis Day is going to sing Melancholy Baby. Oh, no, he isn't. Oh, yes, he is. It's no use, Mr. Benny. Dennis, I'm handling this, so just do as I say and we'll have no trouble. Melancholy Baby, folks. Sing, Dennis. Midnight, half a ball, all the crowd was swaying. Then two charming people went dancing by, and I heard him say, Park is striking. I'll hope it won't run away. It's a fun desire. It was Melancholy Baby sung by Dennis Day. And now, ladies and gentlemen, And now, ladies and gentlemen... That was Cinderella, stay in my arms. Now listen, Mrs. Day, Cinderella was a melancholy baby, and you know it. Anyway, Dennis, you sang that number beautifully. You didn't sound a bit nervous tonight. I wasn't, Mr. Benny, but last week, gee, oh boy. Well, that's only natural. Gosh, if it hadn't been for Ms. Livingston, I don't know what I'd have done. Oh, it was nothing, Dennis. I didn't want you to be scared, that's all. Well, that was awfully sweet of you, Mary. What'd you tell him? I just said that if a certain comedian got by for seven years, why should he worry? Well, that's a fine way to talk about Fred Allen. Anyway, Dennis, don't feel upset about last week because we were all just as jittery as you were, every one of us. I was as pool as a cucumber. Is that so, Mrs. Day? Is it if I care? What was that? I said we're on the air. We're on the air. And hello, Sam. Mary, I'm talking. And now, ladies and gentlemen, if I may resume control here, I would like to announce our play for next Sunday. A week from tonight, the Benny, Beliger and Barnstormers will inaugurate their new season of dramatic offerings. After much thought and careful consideration, we decided to open with our version of Daryl Ebsanik's 20th Century Fox Productions, that historical drama of adventure in darkest Africa, Stanley and Livingston. Thank you, Off Beat. This, I feel, will be one of our outstanding presentation. I agree with the Jack, I think it's a great idea to do Stanley and Livingston. Yes, Don, at least it'll be something new. New? Fred Allen did it two weeks ago. Mrs. Day, what Fred Allen does on his program is no concern of mine. It's the true story that took place in the year 1875. And I have just as much right to do Stanley and Livingston as Fred Allen. Even more, you knew the boys. I'm not that old, Mary. Now, getting back to next week's attraction. Oh, Mr. Benny. Yes, please. I mean, yes. Yes, Dennis. Why does Mr. Allen talk through his nose? What was that, Dennis? I said, why does Mr. Allen talk through his nose? Because he has enough strength to blow it and thanks for asking. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to take the remaining moments of our program to give you a preview of some of the highlights from next week's stirring drama. First, pardon me, I'll take it. Hello? Oh, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester. Rochester, I'm busy now. Call me back later. But this is important, boys. Carmichael's got a toothache. Toothache? Dog gone, I knew there was something wrong with that polar bear this morning. Is he in pain, Rochester? Yes, boss, and he's in a bad mood. I threw him a fish and he declined it right back in my face. Rochester, it's your old fault Carmichael wouldn't have a toothache if you'd take care of him. Did you brush his teeth this morning? Only as I passed by. That's awful. Which tooth is bothering him, Rochester? Is it a molar or a bicuspid? What's that, boss? I said, is it a molar or a bicuspid? Yes, pretty bad. Rochester, here's what I'm trying to get at. What's bothering him? Is it a front tooth or a back tooth? It's that long front one, the one he dimpled my leg with. Well, look, I'll be home pretty soon. Meanwhile, here's what I want you to do. Now, pay attention. Okay, boss. Now, take a piece of cotton. Take a piece of cotton. Roll it into a ball. Roll it into a ball. Put some toothache drops on it. Put some toothache drops on it. And then shove it in the cavity. Rochester, Rochester. Your echo just resigned. For heaven's sake, now don't be such a coward. Animals understand when you're trying to help them. You remember? You remember that story about the man who took a thorn out of the lion's paw? Yeah, whatever become of him. Well, look, Rochester, just leave the bear alone. I'll take care of him later. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boys. What? Can I borrow your top hat tonight? My top hat? Yeah, I got a date with a tall girl. Just stand on your tiptoes and leave my hat alone. Goodbye. That polar bear's got more trouble. What's the matter, Jack? Oh, Carmichael's got a toothache. There'll be no living with him all week. Well, where were we? You were going to give us a preview of Stanley and Livingston. Oh, yes. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the highlights of our next week's attraction, Stanley and Livingston. That thrilling saga of the Dark Continent. Take it, Don. Africa. The jungle. Headhunters. These, ladies and gentlemen, are just a few of the highlights from next Sunday's sensational offering, Stanley and Livingston. So be sure and tune in. Pardon me. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? I'll be seeing you in the jungle next week. Oh, are you a headhunter? No, hair is all I'm after. Goodbye. And he's not kidding, folks. Play, pal. You know, there's always something new for dessert if you just look around. And the new jello puddings make the best desserts you've tasted in a long time. Just try that jello butterscotch pudding and find out how delicious it is. It has a creamy, mellow flavor, the flavor of real old-fashioned butterscotch, the kind you loved when you were a kid. And it has a tempting golden color, like taffy, that makes you hungry just to look at it. Then try jello chocolate pudding, rich and dark and satin smooth, and a jello vanilla pudding with a rich color of old ivory and a delicately tempting flavor. Yes, ma'am, you'll say all three jello puddings are tops in goodness, and all three are quick and easy to make. For all you do is add milk, then cook and stir over a low flame until the mixture is smooth and thick. Simple directions are in every package, and you can't go wrong. Jello puddings are a swell cold-weather dessert, a truly heartening treat for brisk fall night. So try all three and try them soon. Ask your grocer tomorrow for jello butterscotch, chocolate, and vanilla pudding. This is the last number of the second program in the New Jello series, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. Make sure and listen into the opening of our dramatic season. Say, Jack, let's go out someplace and get a sandwich. Oh, I can't, Mary. I got to run home and take care of Carmichael. Oh, say, do you know a good dentist I can get for him? Sure. I got an uncle that's a swell dentist. Well, call him. Will you? Is he painless? No, he's got rheumatism, something awful. There's a wheelchair bowler, if ever I heard one. Good night, folks. J.T. SELF-HOUSE! Here's news. Every Tuesday night, the Aldrich family is on the air, starring Ezra Stone and Henry Aldrich, that lovable, hard-luck kid. Consult your local newspaper for climate stations and be sure to tune in on the Aldrich family next Tuesday night. This is the National Broadcasting Company.