 Hi, I'm Captain Vick Simmons from the popular web series Red vs. Blue. And I'm his boss, Sarge. In recent years, what was once the primary weapon of annoying environmentalists, panhandling on the street, has now become the go-to fighting technique of angry nerds on the internet. And that technique is the ancient art of internet petitions. A quick search through popular petition websites will come back with thousands of results, such as petition to get Netflix to cancel this Amazon Prime series, petition to bring Heath Ledger back as a joker, petition to make a gender-bent Spider-Man reboot about Ladybug. And that's only a few, petition to put me on the cover of Madden this year, petition to give Encyclopedia Britannica a TV adaptation, petition to remake the Godfather films of the all-female Ghostbusters cast. All right, Sarge, we get it. Dev donkey his own movie, renamed Men in Black because it's both racist and sexist, lost. But they actually were dead the whole time. Chernobyl Season 2, one wick, stop casting new Batman's! But unfortunately, petitions don't really do anything. You may think that your John Hancock is a proverbial slug, loaded into the shotgun of revolution, but in reality, you're just firing blanks. This is what you think happens when you sign a petition. Oh my God, look at this petition! We have to re-shoot the ending! Quick! And here's what actually happens. Oh my God! Look at this cute cat! Retweet! Did you notice that? Nobody gives a shit. Back in my day, we'd declare wars over this stuff. Fighting Hatchet and Tomahawk over our belief that Mel Gibson should have won an Oscar for the Patriot. Nowadays, you expect me to believe you're some kind of animal abuse activist because you signed a petition and never remake Marley and me? Hell no. The fact that it's so easy makes it virtually pointless. If you take a look at the numbers, it takes precisely 4.2 seconds to sign a petition. If everything you wanted in life took that long to achieve, we'd all be billionaires, the sky would be made of chocolate, and yes, Firefly would be picked up by Netflix. Which means it doesn't matter how many people spend their hard earned seconds signing the Cancel Red vs. Blue petition, it's never gonna happen. Wait, what the hell? Who made this? Sup? Griff! You walking Tater Tot? Did you start our petition to get us canned? Why? Wanna sign? No way, Jose! Besides the fact that it would require putting into writing to agree with you on literally anything at all, we'd all be out of jobs. Exactly! We'd finally be free. Think about it, Sarge. We could put this whole thing behind us, collect our severance, and coast out to retirement off unemployment checks and royalties. It's the American dream! You know what? That actually perfectly illustrates our point. This is the kind of person who makes and signs internet petitions. Griff! The man who was so lazy he didn't actually sign the petition, he just smeared ketchup all over his screen. Legally, you can't refute that's not my signature. Petitions are only one step away from full-on communism! A story needs a leader, a dictator, someone to tell people when to laugh, or cry, or clap for hours on end under the threat of being persecuted. And even if writers did look at every petition and listened to them blindly, they'd be making a script written by committee. A committee of dumb people. Hello! For violence! Hello, villain! Look up the children! Hello, sexy children, villain! What? No! If petitions worked, they wouldn't work. If you want real change in the world, mindlessly signing a computer screen isn't gonna do anything. You need to be the change you wanna see. If you don't like how a show wrapped up, write your own show that's ten times better. Not happy with the contents of a movie or a video game? Don't buy it and move on. Put your money where your mouth is and... Hey, Simmons! Huh? Got a new petition for you! Petition to get Simmons to shut the hell up? What the hell is this? And it's signed by everyone! What do you mean, everyone? I mean everyone. Hello! Sarge, you too? They promised that afterwards we could remake Avatar, but this time, with Red Aliens! Ha ha ha! And double the inoption! But, Simmons, you gotta be the change you wanna see, right? So just shut up! Okay, you know, 50 of your closest friends might seem like a lot, but statistically speaking, when you account for the millions of people who've watched our show... No! No! No! No! Fine, I know when I'm not wanted. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the base working on my last jet, I rewrite. Thanks for checking out that episode of RVB. You can find the playlist to watch more below. Or, you can go to roostateef.com to check out the latest RT shows. Also, don't forget to like, subscribe, and hit that bell, or leave a comment.