 That's the theme from the Sears Radio Theatre. Tonight's story is a comedy with Andy Griffith as your host. Here's a preview. The movies. Man, that's where this country's headed. And anybody from Europe with a name like Valentino or Chevalier is going to clean up. I think we better look into this here cinema little further. The Sears Radio Theatre will begin after this message from your local station. Ah, the Roaring Twenties. A glittering, light-hearted era of the Model T, the flapper, raccoon clothes, jazz, prohibition, and dance. It was the Golden Age of Sport. Babe Ruth, Jack Dempsey, Gertrude Erling, Galloping Ghost Red Grange, Bobby Jones. Valentino was the great lover. Doug and Mary were America's ideal couple. Clara Bow, the hip girl, bathed in perfume. Hal Jolson made his first talking movie. Perhaps the crowning achievement was Lindy Crossing the Atlantic. But all those spectacular and important events have nothing to do with our story. Our tale deals with another kind of plot. Time, 1929. The place will see peace. It's a pleasure to be in Union Town today. Union City. Oh yes, Union City, Kentucky. Tennessee. That's right, yes. Now look down the road and you will see the car of the future. The perfecto built by Mr. Lionel J. Forge himself. And in the driver's seat, the Baron de Paris. I dare you to test ride this machine. I challenge you to climb on board and travel 175 miles per hour. Only one dollar for the opportunity of a lifetime. You must not miss this. Only one dollar. It's perfectly safe, ma'am. Thank you. Two dollars, yes. Thank you. One dollar. Three. Why, sure. If you'll just hold one sec, folks, I'll check with the Baron. Be with you all right quick. Vernon, you better not stall this time. How much you got? Shut up. You're supposed to be wounded. I'm unable to talk. The Baron and I are going to test run down the road. Now, all you find people just line up and wait. I said how much? That's right, Sheriff. A couple men line over there. Forty-three dollars. Say what? That's the best I can do, bubba. Now, go on. Hit it. Take off. Little sucker. But it worked right fine. That is until they got to Joplin, Missouri. Now, you stay with us because Vernon and Fontaine are just beginning their adventure. Radio Theatre, a new adventure in radio listening. Five nights of exceptional entertainment every week. Brought to you in Elliott Lewis' production of The Sears Radio Theatre. Our story, Fontaine Harris, Le Baron de Paris by Ken Gerard. Our star, Pat Butler. The Sears Radio Theatre is brought to you by Sears Robot and Company. Sears, where America shops for value. It's like I was telling you. This scheme the boys had to make money. It wasn't the greatest thing you ever heard of. But it brought in a dollar or two. And maybe if things had run smoothly, they'd still be at it today. But that's just not the way life happens. As you would no doubt have heard. It's great to be here in Poplar Bluff, Missouri, and you find folks are in for the thrill of a lifetime. Because here comes the Baron. A few months away from the big event. Now if y'all just take a place over there in front of the cigar store, it'll be all Jake. All right ma'am, yes, one dollar each. Thank you. Plenty of room. We can take four at a time. Just a sec. I have to have a powwow with the Baron. How much? Be right with you, Mr. Mayor. 78, complain about that. Get in. A seams a Baron wants to check out the generator. We'll be right back. For our ash flat Arkansas, never before and never again. That's for sure. Will you have this chance? This golden opportunity to ride with the sons of Kabul, Missouri. Get ready for the chills, the thrills, and the honor of riding in the Forge Perfecto. America's future for only one dollar. Ain't I seen you in Piper Bluff? I doubt it. But here's a silver dollar. Now go help yourself a dinner on me. Thank you. Oh, just line up in front of the cafe until we get ready. I think we've been spotted. I knew this was a bad idea. How much? 38. Uh-oh. Look over there, some geezer is pointing this way. That's the sheriff with him. Get in. I'll be right back, folks. Never gonna be free. Be a hunted man my whole life. Police, angry daddies. I'll be dead for them 35. Oh, that's great driving. You are the best wheel man in the nation. Shoot, I bet you could get a job with any one of them Yankee gangsters. Well, at least they make more money. Now don't start that again. My nerves are all equivering. We got to talk about it sometime, like right now. I'm fine. I can't stand anyone walking around with a powerful lot of suppressed anger. I know what that means, but I do know that your car, the future scheme, ain't got no future. You're overstating the problem. Bull, this is the pits. We're taking $40, $50 every third day, chicken feed. On average, we're doing $93 per week. Contain, this is a terrible scam. Even my cousin Billy's horse lineman does better and he lives at home. I spent half my life in that dang car and another half running from the sheriff. Well, excuse me. Mr. Rockefeller hasn't donated to our cause. I'm tired of living like this. Did you have it any better at Vendemir's garage? I'm thinking on it. Ain't you having fun? This is a slice of life. Fun? Sleeping in cornfields, racing around with John Q. Law and my fanny? I think this car is my future and early grave. That's some thanks. I give you the opportunity of a lifetime Bull. Hot damn. I didn't promise you a tea dance. We're just in our start-up period. Just the beginning. We're testing concepts, marketing ideas, taking random samples. I got the big con up my sleeve. You lie like a rogue. Okay, let's hear the big one. No, no, no, forget it. You're not receptive. Let's split the money in part, friends. I guess the almighty minute this way, it's like breaking up the Yankees. The end of Ruth and Gary. Don't you see I'm worried? This is not a successful mode of life. Right, right, yeah, we gotta split. I know you'll be happier fixing axles at the garage and living with your Aunt Minnie. I'll get an honest job clerking or selling shoes. Here, take the whole thing. We got those little dollars. How much? $367.50. Oh heck, that ain't too bad for a bit over a month. Well, have it all. I'll start all over again. Well, don't get all sulky. I didn't say I was going home. Well, you've been so hostile. I don't think we can work together anymore. Oh sure, I understand that, Sid. You want to cut me out of the big action, I know you. I have not said a word. I got you now, you have hit on the big one. Take it all, in the car. I just want to be alone. I thought you trusted me, but just like any young person, you want it all today. Fontaine, I am three years older than you. Go, Vernon, and may the light of a new day shine on our chosen path. Don't get happy. I have gone along with the con, even being French. All I'm asking is when are we going to hit the jackpot? Why do you care? You've rejected me? Well, okay. I'll ride along for a bit. Come on, let's go to Joplin. It's got to be better. This here looks like a real metropolis. Look at there. That building must be seven stories high. But it's got one of them elevators too. Hey, hey, bubba, hey, pull over, pull over. Somebody spot us? Hell no, take a gander at that. Hot stuff, it's a movie theater. So what? They're showing a talking movie. Big deal. Al Jolson made one last year. Now that is the future. Movies at talk. Look at that. Love Parade with Jeanette McDonnell and Maurice Chevalier. A singing movie that will thrill you to the heart starring the international French star in his first American role. Let's go. That kind of stuff shouldn't be allowed. My aunt Minnie says it's devil's work and all them movie women hussies. Well, that's why she's sitting in dolphin. No vision. You crazy? She owns 1,000 shares of the Auburn Auto Company. Reckon she's worth $250,000 on paper and she can't read or write. The movies. The talking movies. Man, that's where this country's headed. And anybody from Europe with a name like Valentino or Chevalier is gonna clean up money and the women. I think we better look into this year's cinema a little further. All she did was put up $1,500 and she's a damn millionaire. Paper profits. It ain't real. What makes you so dang smart? I read. I study. I examine. If that isn't the most bodacious parliament knower. I read we are poor. I study the road maps to avoid the police and I think I want to examine why I'm still driving for you. Because you know Fontaine is gonna make you rich. I am a damn fool. Head over there. We'll take Lodgins at the Joplin Arms Hotel this evening. Lodgins. I know he's gonna get me hung maybe shot. Commodations for two. Perhaps you have a suite? Oh, but of course. The President Grant has a fireplace and it's sitting your own. Wonderful. We'll take your smallest room with two single beds. But you just say... I'm merely checking, my man. Yes, of course. Sign here, please. First, we would like to avail ourselves of your superb dining room. The Baron has been famished since we left New Orleans. Le Baron? Yes, I'd like to present Le Baron de Paris. The famous racing car driver. We're here in this beautiful city to give a demonstration of the forged perfecto. Enchanté, monsieur. Hermand Chevalier. Le maître d'hôtel à votre service. Unfortunately, the Baron is unable to speak. His throat was pierced by one of the Hans Bullets in the war. Oh, sacré bleu. Pardon? Nothing mere sacrifice for La Belle France. I am Fontaine Harris, his manager and confidant. Ah, mon plaisir. Yes, and perhaps a light repass? Oh, mais oui. Please follow me. Just like Marcel. Is this table satisfactory? Quite sufficient. La maire, sir, you... Et filet mignon, perhaps. No, it gives me a rash. Of course. Perhaps a little turtle soup, some grilled trout, and then my special souffle. We had that yesterday. Yes, of course. How about chicken fried steak, biscuits, green beans and a double order of grits? One portion and two plates. Oh, je... This dress is not a freshman, and you are a fraud. Not true gold would even smell grits. Now, hush up, Bubba, we're going. Ha-ha! He speaks! A faker! Poser! Come on, Fontaine, let's pack up. Now, now, sit down, Vernon. We are on the verge of a conceptual breakthrough. Oh, my stars, not now. I must ask you to live immediately. Uh, you did say, uh, chivalier? Well, let's split. He's gonna call the cops. Chivalier like in, uh, Maurice Chivalier? Oui, oui. He is a 17th cousin on my father's side. I knew it, I knew it. The same profile and the voice. You really think so, eh? Would I lie? Does the sun rise? Now, sit down, my friend. I've got the opportunity of a lifetime for you and me. You know, the chivaliers were keepers of the Queen's jewels. I bet that wasn't the only thing they kept. Can I get a roll and butter? I'll hush now. Uh, how come an, uh, elegant man, a good taste such as yourself, is in Joplin? You'll be a temporary and convenience. I was the ballet to him. Never mind. I got you, brother, yeah. Uh, how would you like to drive around in a fancy car, wear suits with vest, travel, become rich and famous? Next, he's gonna tell you about the luggage with the stickers on it. Now, hush. I am gonna offer you a deal that will take you out of this hotel in Joplin. Pardon? If I say bull. Amen. Sit down, pardon. Fontaine has got a hot idea. Armand Chavallier listens. Do we get dinner? If the deal is good, yes. If not, the door. Armand, you are the man I've been looking for. I'm gonna put you in the movies. We're not gonna eat. We're not gonna eat. We're in movies. Are you crazy? How much money do you have? Armand leave. I knew it. We don't even get an appetizer. Now, steady, big fella. It was just a thought. Amen. They pull one of that. I want you to become a talking movie star. Mad as a marcher. Hush your mouth. A star that never appears on the screen. Adieu, mes amis. Sit down, sit down. You wanna be stuck in Joplin all your life, waiting on tables, serving fried chicken to fat old matrons? I can get you out of here in style. How? I am, as you say, flat brook. Because you are French, and the time is right. Down at the biograph, women are taking smelling salts. Every time cousin Maurice looks cross-eyed at Jeanette McDonald. But of course, he is a lover. The best. Now's the time to cash in on your heritage. Oh, this is gonna be a good one. Now, Vernon, you figure in this also. Him? Le Baron de Gritz. Talkies is a common thing. It's bigger than vaudeville, and you can get in on it. We form a fake movie company, sell phony shares to the suckers. We pretend to make a movie, but we never really make it. And Vernon pretends that he's a director, and our man, you will be the matinee idol. The new Valentino, and I'll be the producer, and handle the business in. Incredible. We'll repaint the car silver, buy new clothes, look like movie people. We'll get Vernon a riding crop. It's possible. But we don't know anything about the movies. I don't own a camera. We don't have to know anything about it, because we are executives. But of course, we go to different cities in search of new locations. And new leading ladies. But of course. Now, here's the play. I put ads in the local paper. Movie moguls to shoot extravaganza in the name of the town there. Looking for new female stars. Interested thespians, investors may meet the producing staff in the name of the hotel and so forth and so on. And I handle the business, and you two do the casting. You got it? Oh, I love to cast. Did you ever try for trout the real cock to cast? Oh, Vernon, you are the dumbest. What the hell? Boys, just pick out the honeys with the richest daddies, and leave the rest to me. I will sell more worthless stock than Ponzi. It is wonderful, sensational. I accept. I will be the greatest chivalier of them all. Well, hold on now. Something's bothered me. A hunger pang. No, it's your name. I like my name. Not yours, dummy. Our man's. I beg your pardon. You see, if you use chivalier, then everybody in his uncle will know we're fakes. Now, to pull this thing off, you've got to have a new name. Oh, but of course, a good point. My middle name is Henri. How about Henri Ford? Idiot. How about Henri Garbo? Oh, oh, I always wanted to be greater Garbo's husband. Well, just be your cousin, and we'll do all right. Oh, I love it. I salute you. You have the heart of a true Frenchman. Garçon, two steaks for this table and a side of grits. Compliments for the house. Kansas City, here we come. When do we leave? Tomorrow. After the good people of Joplin ride the car of the future. A scheme. Set up a phony motion picture company. Get suckers to invest in it. Cast actors who didn't exist in a picture that would never be made. If not perfect, it was better than the automobile scam. But oh, my, there's many a slip, as the fellow said. Amalgamated kinescope. Dr. Harris speaking. Oh, hello, Mr. McCoy. It's a hotel manager. What can I do for you? What? How many? I'll tell you what you do. Put them in the small ballroom and give them some light refreshments and we'll see everybody one at a time. Of course. Yeah, you just put it right on our bill. Huh? Why, sure. Mr. Garbo, be glad to give your wife his autograph. Fine. Right. No, it's not too late to invest. Bye. What is going on? We've hit the jackpot, brother. We're going to be rich. The lobby's just full of people. He says maybe a hundred or better. Just waiting to see us. Investors. Mamas. Daddies. Future stars. I did it, I did it. Mrs. Harper, my own sainted mother has put her life savings into this venture. Do you think I'd risk her retirement on some wild scheme? Well, I can't sell you that many shares, Mr. Crown. I mean, we're almost oversubscribed. And you know, Mr. Mellon from the Farmer's Bank and Trust, he asked me to save him the... Oh, what the dickens. You're here first. Take 20 shares. Just make the check out to me. That's right. Just make it payable to me. $250. Right. Thank you, Mrs. Dow. And you have made the investment of a lifetime. Will you escort this lovely flower of Kansas City to the Casting Salon while her grandmother and I discuss some high finance? But of course, it comes this way, my dear. It's a brilliant concept. I congratulate both of you. And now that you're shareholders, I can assure you special treatment. Henry, V.J., meet the feral sisters. We're going to cast them as identical nurses. All pleasure is mine. The twins. How exciting. The first weekly meeting of the amalgamated kinescope company will come to order. Hey, this is real swank. I've never had room service before. Yes. It is something one can go to appreciate. Now, as president, I wish to make a financial report. Oh, here, here. Where? Come on, dear. And let me see it. During the past seven working days, your company made the following disbursements. $10 to repaint the car. $5 for new use luggage with stickers. $3 for office supplies, including the fake stock. $19 for secondhand clothes. $40 on sundries, of which $25 went for gifts to the feral sisters in appreciation of their efforts. Divine one. Do you know how? May I finish? $1 for ice cream. $50 for dinners. $25 to the mayor's trust fund. $200 to the hotel. A grand total of $403 dispersed. All bills paid in full. That's a powerful lot of money. Income from sale of bogus securities. $5,625. Say again? $5 grand. Pussy brain. Wrong. Here, take a look. Oh, I've never seen anything so beautiful. I went to the bank this morning, put the whole thing in cash. Yeah, who I can buy new clothes. A new car. Play the stock market. Some paint the feral girls out in style. Hold on, hold on. Now, wait, wait, wait. I got some good news and some bad news. We are caught. No, no. We are leaving Kansas City. Why? We got it made here. Boys, we've been here a week and we made a bundle from nothing. We stay longer. They're going to smell a rat or we're going to have to make a movie. We've accomplished phase one of the plan. Now we're ready for bigger fish. I told the manager we're leaving in the morning. Going to Hollywood and coming back in a week. Gents, believe me, it's time to move on. But where? Into the big time where we can turn this $5,000 into $50,000. Continue it, mon ami. We're heading north to Chicago land. With all those bootleggers and gangsters? Of course not. I picked out a nice quiet town just outside of the big city. Boys, we're going to Cicero, Illinois. It's a piece of cake. Let's dig her up again with the concluding act of Fontaine Harris, La Baron de Paris. Come on, it's all set. We got the best suite in the hotel. I'll read. Hand me my suitcase. Now don't bother. Don't bother. They're sending a bellhop for everything. And they're going to park the car for us. So just come on inside. We'll go upstairs, have a little room service and relax and then commence operation. But of course. Look out. I'm going back to Joplin. Let's get out of here. Hurry, Fontaine. We're heading south. Great. I'll get you with us. What happened? You're Brian Boyce. Shut up the window again. Oh, that's the second time this month. I'll call the glass company. Gee, this is getting to be a pain. Well, what are you staring at? Oh, those are the movie people I told you about. They rented the St. Valentine's suite. Oh, well, why didn't you say so? I'm Big Al Angel. I own this hotel. Welcome to Cicero's finest, the Hotel Hortone. I guess you met my manager and bookkeeper, Millie M. O. Sure have. No offense, but there's been a change of plans and we was just leaving. No, there hasn't. You're staying. We're staying? Are you told? Out of the car. If you insist. Yeah, I do. They're making a French movie in town. Looking for new stars and investors, Al. Real interesting. I'm an investor. Well, maybe we could talk a little business sometime. Sure. Hey, Millie, have the boys come to the Kit Kat Club tonight. About 10. My special table. That's their pitch, a talking movie. A smart stock option plan. It sounds good. You sure they're clean? Not in a little phony. Al, I've been doing your books for three years. The private ones. And the set for the income tax people. I know a straight deal when I see it. Anyway, you gotta move part of that whiskey money into something. We got cash laying around the office like it was spatial tissue. Okay. If you say it's bona fide, I'll invest. Second, Lou is coming in from Toronto tonight. I got the whole payment here. All in hundreds. Good old Lou. He's the hardened soul of this operation. A thief with honor. Sure. A regular swell guy who's getting $400,000 for his heart, his soul, and his crummy booze. You got the bag? Right here. Let it go. I need a funny money in here. No. You can't pass that counterfeit stuff off on Lou. That's dumb. I'm about just a couple of grand. Al, we are running a legitimate illegal business. Gee. But the stuff looks like the real McCoy. We gotta use it. I got it. I'll buy the movie company with it. That's dishonest. No. It's smart. Millie, make up a police with $15,000 of junk money. We'll go legit with it. Hey, here they come. Hey, over here, man. The best table in the house. Go, Millie. Get it. Right nice place you got here, Mr. Angel. The best speakeasy in Illinois. Imported booze, real glasses, thick carpets. The dice game is upstairs, and the craft table's in the cellar. Hey, Charlie, bring us some drinks. Millie treating you okay, boys? Oh, real fun. Terrific. Thanks, Charlie. Here we go. Nothing but the best for you. You are close to long life fast cars and wild women. Good stuff. Millie says you got a hot peel. Talking movies is the thing of the future. Oh, it's not that great. It's really a wild gamble. I wouldn't advise a man of your stature plunging into this. We even have second thoughts about the whole venture ourselves. Oh, yeah. We just may abandon the project. Talking movies, ridiculous. That's the best sales pitch I ever heard in years. You say it's punk just to wet my appetite. Great negative selling, boys. No, honestly, we haven't put it together. We don't even own a camera. And I am nothing extra. You've sold me. I'll take 100% of the stock. Oh, it's not for sale. Yes, it is. I guess so. I knew we'd come to Thames. How much? $10,000. Sold. And just because I like Mr. Gaboo here, I'm giving you another $5,000 as an override. For the whole thing in cash? Absolutely. And here comes Millie with your money. Here. Take it. It ain't right, Al. Take a look. You want to count it? No, I'll take your word. Wonderful. How about a toast to the new partnership? I'm not thirsty. Drink. It might change your mood. Got big Al. Got money. What the hell with the money? Let's split it. Here. Take this. It's not all money. Take it. Take it. Follow me. There's a black door. Down here. We'll head west. Come on. Hurry. On the road to Aurora, we're going toward Iowa. Well, we can't go back. Sorry, fellas, but our money. The Kansas City investment. In the hotel room. Oh, dang it. Broke again. Is he come? Is he go? I got some money. Well, thank you, Milly. But you keep it. You see, this year, a movie thing, it was a scam. There wasn't any picture. The stock was worthless. It was just a con. Just a cop and counterfeit money. Oh. But we're not broke. I took Al's bootlegging money when we left the club. Take a gander. Glory be. Is it real? Good as gold. How much? $400,000. All re's passed out. Since Al wanted to cheat you, I think it only fair to keep the money. We'll split it four ways. But I'll handle the account. Yes, ma'am, and I nominate you as treasure. Let's get out of here, huh? Right, Bubba. How about heading west to California? Sounds good, huh? What about Los Angeles? The climate could cure my asthma. Sure beats Cicero. And we need a bunch of miles between us and them Yankee gangsters. All right? Hit it, Vernon. Just head west. Come on, boy, shake a leg. Move this car. Are we really millionaires? No, we're 100,000aires. The millions are next. Now, let's get. Yes, get on it. Can I say something as 100,000 there to another? Yeah. Let's refund the money to the people in Kansas City, please. It'd make me feel better. Well, why not? It's a right-nice gesture. When we get to Los Angeles, I'll send the mayor a money order for the whole thing, and then some, like a special dividend. Yes! That clears the line. Let's go. Hollywood, here we come. This is only the beginning. Our policy is satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back. Sears, where America shops for value. Fontaine Harris, LeBaron de Paris was written by Ken Gerard, produced and directed by Elliot Lewis. Your host was Andy Griffith. Our star was Pat Butler. Also heard were Barney Phillips, Shepherd Menken, Sandra Gould, Dawes Butler, and Ed Max. The music for Sears Radio Theater was composed and conducted by Nelson Riddle, Art Gilmore speaking. The Elliot Lewis production of Sears Radio Theater is a presentation of CDI.