 So today, I want to dive into the conversation about attraction and yet I'm not going to go down the road of where we typically focus on attraction. It seems today to me that relationships are often driven by the physical attraction two people experience in the very early stages of dating-mating relating. And because of this hyper focus on the physical, there's this belief that there's actually going to be a successful relationship at the other end of this physical attraction. Sadly, men and women are seem to be almost equally driven by lust and limerence. That's right, lust and limerence. And the reason why I know this is think about it. Some of the most some of the conversations today centers around love bombing and how that actually causes somebody to fall in love with another person. The fact that it's so much talked about love bombing and it's talked about it from a negative perspective and yet people succumb to love bombing all the time. They succumb to the attention. They succumb to the being desire. They succumb to the validation that another person is giving them something in this short-lived experience. And why I say short-lived is that the physical attraction phase is certainly necessary for two people to begin the bonding process. But what's most important if you want a long-term relationship, if you want a long-term relationship, is do you share the same values? Are your lifestyles blendable with one another? And most importantly, is this person an emotional grown-up enough to be in a significant relationship? So then I got to thinking, what are the qualities that men really are not just attracted to, but more importantly, what do they fall in love with? How do we fall in love with another person? Now some of you might not like the terminology of falling in love, but what is deep love? Like what is deep love? Let's explore that for a moment. I think it's when you reach a point where you genuinely can trust this other person. And trust isn't just about fidelity and trust isn't the capacity to share yourself with another person. I think it's important to look at trust from the perspective of, does this person have my best interest at heart? When they're thinking about their life, are they also thinking about my life? Am I saying this properly? Okay, I'm thinking about my life. And at the same time, I'm thinking about my life. Am I very conscious of how my actions might affect another person's life? And do I put their best interest, if it nothing else equal to my own best interest, that to me is trust. And how do we get to this level? How do we get to this level of really just falling in love with each other? And if you don't like the terms, I get it. I'm just simply saying truly loving another person. You know, when I think of when two people say, I love you to each other, this is what they should mean. I'm here. You matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere. And I only want you. Think about that when you say that to another person. I'd like to think that's what it means. And what's going to get a person to that place, we're going to talk about in a few seconds, we're going to talk about these qualities. But let's dive into this. I'm here. That means I'm present. Not in the future. I'm not in the past. I'm not stuck in the past. I'm not hung up on past relationships. I cleared my childhood wounds. I cleared my adult traumas. I'm present to this relationship. As I ponder this question, I think this is probably the number one reason why people don't ever really reach the distance of I love you. Is they're not present? I think this happens a significant percentage of time. I'm here. You matter. Okay, that's coming back to that trust piece. That means you're putting this other person's feelings at a commensurate level of your own feelings. You matter. We are important. We, you know, I want you to think about it when two sovereign beings hook up, it's not, you know, you turn into one sovereign being one plus one equals to the the I mean, for most people, that's the logical choice, right? One plus one equals to that two is a separate entity. The we is a separate entity, the relationship is a separate entity. And it's rather imperative that two people go in into it consciously, recognizing that this is a separate entity. And you might be thinking, what does that mean? Well, there's a real purpose to a relationship. I think this is another reason why people inherently fail, I say the word fail, but they don't work out, because they never know they don't know how to co create a healthy, happy relationship together. A lot of relationships today are based on entertainment, entertaining one another, spending time with one another. And yet how many relationships build the deep roots of trust to co create this we. This is part of what I think I love you means. I'm here, you matter. We're important. I've got your back. I've got your back that comes back to you matter, but it's also taking a step further and like, I'm going to put your needs ahead of mine at times. I'm going to put your need, your desires and not at the abandonment of my own. That's not what I mean. I've got your back. But I'm going to be there for you when you need support. Because, folks, what's the point of being in relationship? What's the point at the end of the day? Isn't it about having each other's back? You're going through a tough time, you know, you know, it's like you're going through chemotherapy. Is this person going to be there to wipe the vomit off of your face when you're going through a tough time? That to me is the demonstration. I've got your back. I love you. I'm not going anywhere. Okay, I'm here. You matter. We're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere. That really says that I'm fully committed to this relationship. Can you think of how many people today are in casual relationships where they say, I love you to each other, but are they really in love with each other? Are they fully committed? I'm not going anywhere. They are 100% all in. I really wonder, I think a significant percentage of people say I love you and they're not all in. I only want you. It comes back to that fidelity piece I talked about, but it's like I desire you. I only want to physically be with you. You turn me on. You light my fire. How many couples really, really get to that level of I love you? I think I love you today is oftentimes a byproduct of this lust and limerence that enters into the early stages, the lust and limerence that enters in the early stages. And then you're kind of, you're kind of hooked on someone who may not be, you know, share the same values. Your lifestyles might not be blendable or more importantly, there's a lack of emotional maturity. So what does it take to get to I love you stage? Well, I'm going to share a couple that pop into my head today. And I want you to know there are far more than what I'm about to share, but I want to dive into these three. And I think the first one centers around that desire to want to be a partner with another human being. And you demonstrate that you want like, like I've shared that I want to be a husband on recent videos. But what I'm really saying is I want to be a partner with someone I want. I don't want partnership. I want to be a partner. You have to want to be a partner. And when one person wants to be a partner and the other person doesn't want to be a partner, then you've got a mismatch going on. I think for a man, for a man who's ready for a partner, then he's looking for a partner who wants to be a partner. I can tell you there are a lot of women. I was recently just having a conversation with a woman today. How she's like, I really don't know if I want a relationship or not. She's in a relationship with one and yet she's wondering if she should be in a relationship. I think you have to then really look inside and say, do I want to be a partner? And here's the thing. We have the benefit of being wishy-washy these days. Isn't that sad? We have the luxury to be wishy-washy because we no longer need marriage as an opportunity to have sex with one another. We get the companionship, connection and sex without real commitment. And if you don't have to commit, then you don't have to choose to want to be a partner with someone because there's a plethora, you know, because of these devices, you know, because of these devices, we have a plethora of people that will settle for mediocre relationships. I'm here to say for a man who wants a partner or excuse me, for a man who wants to be in partnership with someone, it's critically important that he also choose somebody who wants to be in partnership. That's the first thing to contemplate. I think the second thing that men are highly attracted to, and I think women are attracted to this too. I think this is such an underrated aspect of relationships that I'm talking about people with agreeable personalities, agreeable personalities. I can tell you, during my years as a single man after my divorce, I bumped into a lot of women who had disagreeable personalities. Now, some of you were characterized, and maybe this relates to you, but some people characterize a disagreeable personality with a masculine trait, okay? That's in being in your masculine energy when you have a disagreeable personality when you are controlling, when you're criticizing, when you're a masculine man, you are in your masculine energy. That's not a man, that's not masculine energy. That's not masculine energy. That's simply bad behavior. You know, agreeable personalities, and this is really important, so sit with me for a second. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Sadly, particularly here in the United States, we have a very self-righteous, self-centric population of singles in the dating, mating, and relating marketplace. Quite frankly, most people think it's always somebody else. It's always somebody else. They point the finger, but they're not looking at the three fingers pointing at them. I say this with full humility. I've been a very self-centric person in my life. I've been a difficult person. It's taken me a lot of work to heal that place of wanting to be right. An agreeable personality is choosing happiness. Maybe you don't want to go to that particular restaurant. But your partner wants to go to the restaurant. You say yes, because that's what your partner wants to do. I'm not suggesting you have to compromise your boundaries or things like that, but people that are easy going, I've dated a woman where, oh my God, it was a nightmare trying to pick a restaurant where she'd want to go. Had to be gluten-free. It had to be vegan-free. It had to be this thing. It had to be that thing. It didn't have to have too much noise and too much this. And I'm like, oh my God, it was a nightmare trying to pick a place to go. And then it was the menu that wasn't right. This person tip doesn't have an agreeable personality. That's just there. You can't, you know, behaviors can change, but personality is rather fixed. So people that have an inherently, you know, complaining, you know, disagreeable personality aren't the type of people that when a man has an agreeable personality, it becomes incredibly frustrating to be with that type of person. And then this goes both ways. I'm not, I'm saying ladies, if you have an agreeable personality and you're with a guy who's disagreeing, complaining, after a while, you're going to lose respect for that guy. It's not an attractive quality to allow us to fall deeply in love with another human being. And that's, isn't that what this is all about? Isn't this about falling in love? You know, I've been pondering lately, how long does it take to fall in love? I think most men know within the three to six month mark whether or not they want to explore a long term relationship with someone. Now, let me be clear. Emotionally grown up men, emotionally healthy men, emotionally men who know they want to be a partner with someone, men who have an agreeable personality. They know within the three to six month market, they want to explore something with someone. They just know that. Does that mean they're in love at that point? You know, I think love is a behavior that is also built over time, too, to really build that trust with another human being. I think when a man, I think there are a lot of wounded men out there that can be in relationship with someone for years, but they'll never deeply fall in love with that person, nor will they fully go all in with that relationship. I think that's a significant percentage of the population today. I would venture to say 80 percent of singles today find themselves in casual relationships and never build the deep roots of trust that allow them to actually go deeper into the relationship. That's just an observation. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. You know, one thing as a coach, I've observed that most women have a broken picker. They do. They choose broken men because they have a broken picker. This is where my coaching comes in. If you need some support with that, reach out to me, schedule a discovery call to see if working with the coach is right for you. So I want to share with you the last piece of the puzzle that I'm sharing today. I think this is really one of the underrated parts of a relationship. I really do believe this. I don't think enough emphasis is drawn to this critically important factor for attraction to feel like you are going to fall in love with someone. And that is thank you for allowing me to have the trumpet blow shared sense of humor, shared sense of humor. Think about how important it is to have that shared sense of humor and and and at least have a sense of humor. You know, I think this is really a critic. This kind of falls back to agreeable personality. And let me share with you why I say this. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? I think people who are stuck up and want to be right don't have much of a sense of humor. They're kind of sticks in the mud. And I think this holds true in a relationship. People that have more of an agreeable personality hopefully can see the light, the levity, the when I say the light, I meant the light. You know, the the the levity, the the humor in this chaos we call life. You know, it's life is a very chaotic thing. We live in a chaotic world. It's almost it's almost sad and at the same time humorous how humans here, at least particularly in the United States, subject themselves to so much abuse and I don't mean relationship abuse. I'm talking about being addicted to these things. And I'm laughing at it. I mean, I'm guilty of it. That's why I'm laughing at it. But when I'm talking about sense of humor, do you have a dry sense of humor? Do you have a sarcastic sense of humor? Do you have an overbearing sense of humor? Are you a poker? Are you a you know, what is your sense of humor? By the way, can someone list all the different forms of sense of humor out there? I don't even know what they are. I'd like to know all the different forms of sense of humor. But having a shared sense of humor is kind of like at the end of the day. If two people can laugh together, I don't mean entertain one another. I think a lot of people are addicted to the need for entertainment. At the same time, if you can laugh at yourself and laugh at your partner for being a fallible human being, we are fallible human beings. And sometimes we have to laugh at our own stupidity or what's the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different results. Well, I think it's the same with humans. Learning to laugh with one another is a quality that I think is so underrated and yet so powerful, so powerful to create those deep roots of trust, those bonds together that allow people to dive into the words, I love you. I love you. Laughing together, maybe going to comedy shows together as a way to connect. If your sense of humor is different, find something where your humor is similar to one another because laughter at the end of the day. Isn't that the point to laugh and have a good time with one another? I think laughing together is the best as one of our Facebook members has shared. Coming back full circle. I love you. I'm here. You matter. We're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. Show up as a person that wants to be a partner to another. Show up with an agreeable personality and most importantly, show up laughing at this thing we call life because if we can see this journey for as simply as it is and not that it's a game, but life is a game. I mean, like if we can treat it like a board game with fun, maybe two people can find those connections really form that deep bond with one another that I think most everyone is seeking. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Please post a comment below. Do you want to connect with me? Schedule a discovery call. Join my group called Midlife Love Mastery for those watching in the group. Send them to my website. Send your friends to my website, Jonathanasai.com. Have them click group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. And I'm going to sign up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic job of self-love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's OK. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pat, a teddy bear pillow and get it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use a lot more hugs or love right now. Thanks a bunch. Bye now. Bye bye.