 I'm the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man. And I'm here to read the funnies to you happy boys and honey. Yes, boys and girls, it's comic weekly time. And here I come right into your house to bring a little fun and happiness. Right out of the pages of fuck the comic weekly straight into your living room, your friend the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man. Hello, hello, hello. Well, little miss, howdy, how are you today? I'm just fine, thank you, and you know what? What? Oh, yes, I might, maybe, perhaps, uh, possibly. Are you ready? Ready. What? Oh, that's easy, a teddy bear and a doll. No, that's... Oh, excuse me. Well, um, a teddy bear and a... No. Hmm. Oh, all right, I give up. What two animals do you always go to bed with? Two. Two calves. Yes, right. Oh, so you have. You trick me, you fool me, you hung me up. Fuck the comic weekly, very well, I'll read that in just a moment. But before I do, let's listen to this nice man. Now here we go with fuck the comic weekly. And on the first page, under bringing up father, Beatle Bailey. Magic words for the music, please. Very well, my lady. Toot me a toot and tweet me a tweedle. Squeeze out music for Bailey the Beatle. Beatle's hard-boiled sergeant looks at himself in the mirror. He sees his stomach is getting so big that it's hanging out over his belt. Oh, look at my stomach, I gotta cut down on eating. And a few minutes later, third picture top row, he's in the mess hall, giving the cook orders about what not to feed him. And under no circumstances are you to give me desserts. Understand? Well, okay, if you say so. Last picture top row, the cook is giving orders to Beatle and Bugsy, his two assistants. No matter what he says, don't give him any while I get in trouble. Well, I hope he doesn't see your custard pie cookie. Bugsy looks at the sergeant and sees... Oh, like, ain't sorry. First picture bottom row, the sergeant has the plate in his hand. His mouth waters, he's looking at Beatle. Beatle, uh, cut me a piece of that pie. No, sir. Please, just one middle piece. No. The sergeant reaches for the pie. Beatle puts it up and then he's in to scuffle over the pie. Come on, darling. No, no. I forgot Shakespeare. Let him have it. Nothing would make me happy. Hey, Bailey, I didn't mean to give a tome in the face. Last picture, a happy sergeant is sitting at his desk, pie all over his face, and the captain exclaims... He hit you in the face with a pie? What are you going to do to him? Uh, how about, uh, promoting him? Isn't that funny? He gives orders to everybody not to feed him the pie, and he ends up ordering them to give it to him. Yes, and Beatle gave it to him right in the face. Yes. Well, now let's see what's happening to the Walt Disney Story, Ben and me. Oh, yes, please. I just love the story about Amos. He's such a sweet little mouse. All right, then let's turn over the page and go past Little Iodine and Prince Valiant on page three. And here on page four, is Ben and me. You remember that Benjamin Franklin, who lived in the early days of America and was a very famous man, was a spare man with electricity. Yes, he put a little rod on the tip of a kite and then put Amos the mouse on a little box in the kite, and had sent the kite flying up in the air. But a storm came up, and lightning hit the kite and knocked the box apart, and Amos was hanging one for dear life. I wonder if Ben will get the kite down in time to save him. Well, let's see. I wonder if Ben will get the kite down in time to save him. Well, let's read now and find out. Here we go with Walt Disney's Ben and me. Say the magic words with me. Dickery, dickery, dickery, dickery, dickery. Doodle some music for Ben and me. Amos, speak to me. It was Ben. He was very worried. Amos, was it electricity? That did it! I picked your top, Рou, I turned on the heel of his thumb. Goodbye, Mr. Franklin. On second street, For the nature of electricity, but he had lost my friendship. Sit your bottom rows. We always slept in shoes. We were the 65th cousins on my mother's uncle's sister's slide of the old lady who lived in the shoe. We liked the old girl, so we started to keep the habit. We had some of my original sayings tacked on the wall, like a stitch in time stays nine. A rolling stone gathers no more. Early to bed and early to ride, wealthy and wise. And I was sitting there while everybody else left, thinking up a new saying about that trickster, Ben Franklin, who had almost got me killed. The best I could think was, if you work for a genius or work for a dope, watch out for yourself or you've lost all hope for a troubled one. There was loud talk against the stamp taxes, rumor of violence and rebellion. You see, we were still in English colony when the British king was taxing us unfairly. Meetings were held all over the state. And of course, I attended. How about it, men? Are we going to stand for this? Oh, no! We're down with the king! Naturally, I felt strongly about the matter as the next man, or a mouse. And last picture, I climbed up on the lamppost and took charge of the meeting. I agree, man! Well, you know, as I recall, Ben Franklin was very active in the problems between the Americans and the British, and maybe now that Amos has joined those that are protesting against the English king... Maybe Ben and Amos will get together again, huh? Well, let's hope so. We'll find that out next week, I'm sure. Now let's turn over the page and see who's there. Oh, look! I won't waste a second. Here we go with Donald Duckle. Say the magic words with me. Squeezing, squeezing, squeezing, tick-a-tack! Let's add music to better... Today, Donald and his nephews all dressed up in their Boy Scout clothes are going out for a scouting trip. Donald is Scoutmaster. They're out in the backyard, all set to go. All right, line up for park inspection. Yes, sir, Uncle Donald. What else? And economy-sized toothpaste. And leave your compass home. This hike is to simulate emergency conditions. Some time later, they're out on the woods. All right, now. This is where you learn to use substitute equipment, out hatchets. Last picture top row, Donald walks off pointing at the trees. Blaze every fifth tree so we can find our way back. And remember, no compass. The boys out hatchets and begin to work blazing, which is putting a nick in every fifth tree. 10 minutes later, we see them hard at work, very unhappy. Oh, darn, this is hard work. Hey, wait, I have another idea. Yeah, what is it? Well, why don't we do a recent first? Five minutes later, Donald, who is up ahead, notices that the hatchets have grown silent. He puts his hand to his mouth and, ah! Last picture, Huey, Dewey, and Louis come toward him, carrying a tube of toothpaste. Behind them on the ground is a long cord of toothpaste. Huey says, that's OK, Uncle Donald. We're using substitute equipment. Yeah, a big squirt of toothpaste on every fifth tree. It's easier than chopping. Yes, but what will happen if it rains and the toothpaste gets washed off? How would they ever find their way home then? Yes, that's why we use a hatchet to make a little nick. That'll stay there. Well, anyway, they're funny. Yes, anyway, they're funny. Well, now let's go to the last page of the first section and see what's happening in Dick's new adventure. All right, Uncle, who's a doctor, and General Wiley Thompson, who's an Indian agent? Yes, the United States government has been having trouble with an Indian chief named Osceola. So General Thompson word, suddenly the stagecoach just stopped the guy in the stagecoach without saying a word. And Dick looked outside the coach and saw Indians surrounding them and saw them right along with them. Well, let's read and find out. Here we go with Dick's adventures. Say the magic words with me. Riggity-pack, kazack, kazack. Let's have music for adventurous Dick. Dick looks from the warriors who are riding along outside to the Indian who faces them in the stagecoach. And then the Indian speaks. My name is Powell, gentlemen. I'm half white man, but more than half Indian. Last picture top row, General Thompson answers. Oh, I see. I know you now. You're Osceola. Frankly, I'm glad you're here. I saved the United States for you. You're one of the few chiefs who are still defying us. The United States Congress has set aside thousands of acres west of the Mississippi, just for the Indians. Now we are providing you with farm tools, medical care, and schools for your children. We'll pay you for your land in Florida. Now, why won't you accept our offer? Osceola's face hardens. We stop the coach from now. He waves a hand. The Indian is in trouble. He waves a hand. The Indians close their horses in on the stagecoach, and it is stopped. Get out. The door of the coach opens. And General Thompson, followed by Dick and his uncle, get out. Dick sees the anger mounting on Osceola's face as he says to General Thompson. White man has driven us far enough. Florida is our home. We mean to stay. Although he's surrounded by unfriendly Indians, General Thompson answers quietly. In that case, sir, you're under arrest. First picture bottom row, Dick sees the flash of a knife and throws himself in Osceola's arm to stop him from killing the general. But he's too weak. The Indians close in on them. And last picture, moments later, General Thompson is left buried under the wreck stagecoach as Dick and his uncle, battered and bound up, are made captives. And then the little party rides southward. Yes, he was. I guess we can see now why the American government was having trouble with him. Oh, what? Well, we'll find out more about that next week. But now look below Dick's adventures. There's Rusty Riley. Oh, and I'm anxious to see what's happening to Rusty because he has been very bad trouble. Well, I'll read that in just a moment. But first, here's that nice man again with something interesting to say. Now, here we go again with Puck the Comic Weekly. And on the last page of the first section, Rusty Riley. Magic words for the music scene. Very well, my lady. Get up and run till the road is dusty. Give us music for his horse and Rusty. An actor has stolen a valuable string of pearls from a wealthy girl named Miss Castle. He was dressed in Rusty's clothes. An electrician and a stage carpenter had seen the thief wearing Rusty's clothes. So naturally, they said that Rusty was a thief. However, Rusty was miles away from the theater at the time the pearls were stolen, helping a man named Jerry, whose truck was stuck in the mud. Mrs. Castle, mother of the girl, has brought charges against Rusty. He has been arrested, and a trial is now being held. Mr. Pringle, lawyer for Mrs. Castle, is calling the electrician and the carpenter to the stand to testify. Well, Mr. Jake Wilson, the electrician, please take the witness chair. Mr. Tindall, who is Rusty's lawyer, has a plan. He says to Rusty, step into the next room, Rusty, and do just as I told you. Yes, sir. Second picture, the electrician is in the chair, and Mr. Pringle is cross-examining him. In your own words, Mr. Wilson, just what happened on the afternoon in question? Well, sir, I was working right near the corridor where the dressing rooms are. I heard footsteps, so I took a look, known that the actors was all on stage. Well, I saw right off it was young Rusty Riley. You see, I did the electrical work at Milestone Farm, so I know the kid well. No mistake in that jacket in the red cap. Last picture, top row, the carpenter was finishing his testimony. Well, I didn't see his face, but I recognized him as Rusty Riley. I seen the kid often. He was just opening Miss Castle's door. Then first picture, bottom row, Mr. Tindall, Rusty's lawyer, comes forward. You two gentlemen are very positive about your identification of Rusty. In spite of the fact that you are Rusty, your identification of Rusty, in spite of the fact that you only had a back view. Now, I want you to pick Rusty from the two boys I'm about to show you. Officer, please open that door. The officer opens the door, and two persons of Rusty's height and weight are standing in the doorway. They have backs to everyone in the room. Both boys are dressed exactly alike in Rusty's cap and Rusty's jacket. The electrician looks at the boys for a second, and points to one. Uh, the one on the right. That's Rusty, I'm sure. The carpenter nods. Yep, me too. He's the one on the right. Mr. Tindall smiles. Thank you. That will be all, gentlemen. Will you boys turn around, please? The boys turn around, and Mr. Tindall dramatically exclaims, Your Honor, we'll please note that neither of these lads is Rusty. They are Dixie Wilkins and Mickey Dunn, professional jockeys. And Pringle Rages. I object. This is nothing but fricara. They are carefully dressed in clothes exactly like Rusty rallies. This does not prove that it was not Rusty who was seen at the theater. Meanwhile, only a few miles away on the highway, last picture, a car with a sign, Jerry's Wonder Dog, is speeding down the highway. In it are Stovepipe, Rusty's old friend, and Jerry, the man the Tex and Rusty have been hoping would appear. Jerry is the only man that knows that Rusty was not at the theater at the time the pearls were stolen. And Stovepipe is saying, Sorry I had to shank high you this way, Jerry, but if I in lads future may depend on your testimony. And Jerry answers, Well, he helped me when I needed help bad, so I'm glad for the chance to help him. Pearl! And Tex and Mr. Tindall's trick has worked. Wasn't that just like Rusty and then asking that electrician, was Rusty? Yes, and when the boys turned around everybody in the room saw that neither one of them was Rusty. And that spoils Mr. Pringle's chance of proving that the carpenters and the electrician's testimony is any good. Oh, I hope Rusty will get off next week. Well, we'll find out for sure, but now it's time to pick up the first page of the second section. Oh, yes. We'll find out right now. Here we go with Dagwin and Blondie. Prima food, amma fun, zim, zim, zombie, conjure me music for Dagwin and Blondie. Dagwood's daughter Cookie has four friends, and they've all dropped in to ask her to go to the movies. Blondie is in the kitchen quietly stirring up lunch when suddenly a tornado bursts into the kitchen and out of the kitchen Cookie goes. Last picture top row, Dagwood is quietly relaxing in the bathtub when suddenly... Quick, Daddy! Quick, give me 30 cents for the movie. Don't scare me like that! Give me my pants. Cookie dashes out of the room. Oh, my nerves, my poor nerves. First picture, second row, she's in again. Here's your pants. Take it easy, will you? Look, you threw my pants in the water. Quick, quick, quick, 30 cents. Here and get out of here. Thank you, Daddy. And out she goes. Dagwood looks at his pants. Oh, my poor... Last picture, second row, Cookie dashes down the hallway, trips over the dog. First picture, third row, she pats him on the head. Sorry, I'm sorry. And down the stairs she goes. At the bottom stands Blondie, her arms full of dishes. Dishes. Sorry, Mom. And out the door she goes. The third row. Okay, kid. First picture, bottom row, Dagwood in his bathrobe looks at poor Blondie, who is lying on the floor surrounded by broken dishes. Well, thank goodness. We'll have a few hours of peace around here to recover while we're at the movies. At the theater, the kids are looking at the announcement posted outside. Yeah, me too. Yeah, see that? So am I. Look, come on, kid. And last picture, the door to the Bumstead House opens. And then gallop the children and cookies out. We all think of that. My dad is here. Yes. Do you throw your daddy's pants in the bathtub when you're excited? No. This is possible. Hmm. And do you break a whole set of dishes when you're excited? No. Only the sugar bowl if it gets stuck around my hand when I'm getting the money out. Oh, you children. Well, I know one thing I wouldn't do. What's that? If I'd seen a movie and I liked it, I would go see it again, because I like the movies. Yes, I know a little girl named Phyllis who'd just like that. And I know a boy named Stephen. I guess most children are like that. Yes. Well, now let's turn over the page. And, oh, look, here's Flash Gordon. Oh, and Flash... Yes, he's the only Earthman there. And he's discovered many strange people who are ruled by a mysterious person who's never seen. But Flash has found some friends, too. An old hermit named Phyllis and a clown named Rosini. And they worked out a scheme so Flash could slip into the castle. But it didn't work. No, Flash slipped into the castle while Rosini was entertaining all of the soldiers and the mind. And suddenly, a trapdoor opened under Flash's feet and he fell down. I wonder what'll happen to him now? Well, let's find out. Here we go with Flash Gordon. Regga regga dune dune saskimataz. Let's sub music for heroic flag. Flash falls through the trapdoor. As he falls, he hears. He finds himself at the bottom of a dark cavern in water up to his waist. Flash waves through the water. Oh, it's laughing. All around me, splitting my head. First picture, he works his way out of the water onto a slippery bank. It's black in here. Can't see a thing. I hope this portable search light still works. Last picture, he turns on his search light. It works. The cavern is flooded by its beam, a dank, dark place. Flash sees a mysterious creature that looks like an octopus across the cavern from him. And then an agonized scream echoes in his ears. Oh, am I? Well, maybe the creature lives in the cave and can't stand the light. Oh, this could be Flash's way of defeating him. Yes, it could be. Oh, do you think it could be? Well, we'll find out more about this next week. Now, look across the page. There's Roy Rogers. Oh, yes. It was because they have silver in them. Yes, but Roy finally captured him. And two of these men had captured a girl named Beverly Stark and they were on their way to meet Roy Staskham. But they didn't know that Roy had already captured Baskham. Roy saw the men coming and was ready for him. Yes, and when Roy threw a keg of salad and a small seed into the wagon, this is a task in the spot where Roy was hiding. And then the two outlaws jumped out of the wagon leaving Miss Stark in it all alone. I wonder if she'll be safe. Well, let's read now and find out. Here we go with Roy Rogers, king of the cowboys. Ah, yippee-yoh. Now, here we go with Roy and Trigger. Ah, yippee-yoh. The lighted fuse lands in the wagon. Beverly Stark is terrified. Somebody hide. And then Roy leaps from the bank above into the wagon. Don't worry, Miss Stark. It won't explode. What do you mean? I filled a keg with sand before tossing it into the wagon just to scare away Baskham's men. Meanwhile, the two outlaws who have scurried for cover wait for the explosion. Why don't that explosive in the wagon go off? Uncover your ear flaps, knucklehead. It's noiseless. Maybe it's all over and we don't know it. Last picture top row, cube root gun in hand appears before them. Correct, gentlemen. It is all over. Hey, what the? Roy Rogers already has captured your boss, Wasp Baskham. Now you are my prisoners. Crime does not pay. Short time later, second picture bottom row, Roy and cube have delivered the outlaws to the sheriff, telling him the complete story of how the stolen stone buildings were built out of rock that contained silver. Well, sheriff, I'll be riding on. Well, thanks for running up Baskham's gang, Roy. They'll be in cold storage for a long time. Right, sheriff. Adios. Some miles away, a prison train transporting convicts to a new jail labors up a steep grade. Last picture it passes under a low-hanging tree. A masked man, gun in hand, drops from the tree onto the caboose of the train. Yeah, there's one con on this rattler who won't reach that new prison. Come on, sparrow, get ready to fly. And they'll be locked up for a good long time, the sheriff said. Uh-oh. I'm afraid you're right, that masked man on that train, which is loaded with convicts being taken to jail, something tells me that Roy might be having a new adventure. Oh, I can't wait to see what it is. Well, we'll find out next week. Now that's all the time I have. But before I go, here's that nice fella with some more interesting information. Well, honey, and all you boys and girls, I gotta go now. All right, Mr. Comic Weekly Man, brother. Okay, that's a date. And a date with all you boys and girls. Be sure to meet me with our little friend, Miss Honey, next week when I read Puck the Comic Weekly. For I'm the Comic Weekly Man, the jolly Comic Weekly Man. I'll be back to read the funnies to you happy boys and honeys. Don't forget, boys and girls, see you all next week. Your friend the Comic Weekly Man, the jolly Comic Weekly Man.