 Yeah, um, and what made it even worse, Garth Garrett, with his pants around his ankles and his droopy checkered boxers standing on that water bed out of my mind, and Zabby holding that knife, but she don't know that part. I would never tell my kids this. They think I'm at my globe club. Yeah, I'm at a globe club. So that summer there was a contest on the radio. I was going to win it. Whoever could come up with the best name for the horse with no name would win, no lie, a horse. Yeah, you had to stick the names in on postcards, like one name for postcard. So I readdressed and stamped 90 postcards. I was going to win that horse. On the first part of the journey, I was looking at all the life. There were plants and birds and rocks and things. There was sand and hills and rings, and nobody knew what that meant. But still we sang a song. You know, every single day that summer I sent in a new name. The horse with no name. Cause I've been through the desert on a horse with no name. It felt good to be out of the rain. God, that was our anthem. You know, if we knew what an anthem was, it was the thing we sang before doing it. It being the thing we would not be doing is the three of us were not together. Zabby and Skinny Linney and me. Vying, testing, erupting, egging each other on to greatness, to infamy, to getting our asses kicked. Like sneaking into Zabby's parents' pub because they actually had a pub inside the basement of their house. And we would mix drinks out of whatever was open, and it didn't matter. You know, Jack Daniels, Sherp, Strawberry Hill. Peppermint schnapps, gin. See, we hate to taste all that shit, but it doesn't matter. Cause we're 13! Yeah! So we mix all that together. The brown and the red and the clear stuff that makes my nose sting and my eyes water. Plus some more juice for body. And we pour it into an empty tennis ball can. And then we drink, holding our noses. And it is awful. It is God awful. Taste is not the point. If you taste is the last thing we care about. I was a good girl. I was an outstanding student. The perfect child of miserable parents. So corruption, father. What class do you have right now, Zabby says? French. Well you're going to be late to your French class. Oh, I'm never late. Well today you're going to be late. And she knew her, Abby, so her, Zabby. She was newly notorious because of a fist fight on the bus with Tonya Yonkers. They got her suspended for three days. And even though Zabby had this big red ball patch, where Tonya had yanked a bunch of her dirty clothes on. It was pretty much a greed set that Zabby won. You know, Tonya's crying though it's really a concern because she is the bossy crybaby. So and now Zabby's back at school. She's just talking to me. And I'm terrified. And slightly honored. Better hurry. You're getting late to your French class. Can you please give me back my French book? Uh oh, was that the bell? Oh my god, give me back my book. Well it looks like you're late, huh? What are you going to do? You're late too, idiot. So what? So we're going to get in trouble. If you get three tardies, you get a detention, and one more after that you get suspended. And if you get three suspensions, you get expelled. How many tardies have you had Frenchy? None, I say. Well I've had five. Five? This week? No. You can get expelled! Okay just shut up and give me back my book. Principal! I'm going to bring you more raisins this morning, but my rabbit died. So no more raisins. It's what you think it is. God, Zabby was everything I was afraid to be. She was a reverent, outrageous, attractive, and funny. She could even dance like she was black. That sounds silly. You have to remember, this was a time when all the white people were doing disco, and we just looked even harder. I mean Zabby was an influence. That's skinny Lenny. We're sitting in Zabby's parents' pub making a graph of our disgusting magical elixir. They won't care, they're at a party, skinny Lenny is pouring drinks. Well that's way too much of the brown stuff Lenny. Okay I'll balance it with more of the clear. She just sort of fell into my life, skinny Lenny. No she like legit just fell off her bike in front of my house. She was funny that way. Completely accident prone. Is that actually notable how many near death encounters she survived? I wonder if she didn't die sooner. Yeah, down the hatch. Probably as bad as her brother's Dean and Dono. 22 or 19, I don't know, but too old to be a kid. We're hiding in the youthful of this tree bent over the road, armed with stolen rotten eggs from the peaker's car that has the bag for the expertly dropped vetted balls on windshields and hoods, and laughter we wet our pants. Zabby, look who's coming. Dean's car. His manhood rumbling on the road below us. Me? One, two, go, go, go, I shout! We pelt that macho station wagon with heartfelt hatred and joy, a 13 year old revenge. Miss calculation, it takes Dean no time to put two and two together. I mean, he's slamming on those brakes. That car has never moved so fast. We are skittering, laughing, screaming down the street, running in every direction. Dean crawls out of the passenger side because the driver's door is busted. Dean chants into her face and her skin's getting Lenny or tearing out of there. Skinny Lenny, of course, trips on a pothole and scrapes up her knee and her elbows and her chin. And I stood down to help her, but Dean's coming. Big Dean smiled on his stuff. Met her mouth as if running through something's backyard. He's yelling after me. I'm watching! That's what you do in a contest. Destiny. Thickle. Finger. A fate. We were standing in Garf Garret's right wing. Me, Zabby, Skinny Lenny, Garf Garret. And this little cousin in his. No, really, the cousin wasn't very tall. And he was just standing there with his hands in his pockets. He wasn't show-off-y like Garf Garret. Who's always thinking like this family was rich. Whatever. Anyway, the reason we had whole Zabby is that he had gotten a bunch of wheat. Hot shot. And he told her that he would give her some, you know, rich house, which was really just this dirty house at the end of this hill. And then I can't stand Garf Garret. Nobody can. But she's wily. In case he tries to lock the door. But he's just cleaning against the walls. He's got his shirt. Starts to get his belt. He is in Zabby. He's a checkered boxer. Doesn't care. Zabby grips that knife. Rooting around my scarf drawer in the first place. Missy. I was looking for a scarf liar. He never wants a scarf a day. And you're like, well, I was going to start, but now I'm forgetting. Mom, be quiet, Carrie Ann. What did you do with it? I did what she steal this time next year. When she's in juvie or jail or we're being sued in court. Because where all of this is headed. Stop talking like such a jackass. And there she goes to the floor. A catapulted fit. Lip Manson. It's not the first time. It won't be the last. It's fine. You get used to it. If you're in use still from your mother. See, that's earlier. Favorites started having an affair with a guy that lived across the street. He moved back in six and she was 14. Yeah, just, yeah. And she didn't even know it was, and she tried. But I was pretty sure they would kill her first. So my mom's scarf drawer. What? I was looking for a scarf. And anyway, why is she hiding that much money? I instinctively took some so that Carrie Ann could get what she needed to not have the jerk's baby. But, and I swear this was, there was no letter in that. I didn't take the letter dad. What letter? Right, there wasn't one. So are you telling me you didn't steal or I know that's not what you're telling me? I'm confused. Are you a thief or are you a liar? You should have thought about that before you decided to become the worst part of the belt. What's the point? It's supposed to be learning. Except how afraid am I for not to think about Mark Garrett with his pants around his ankles and his droopy checkered boxers like that. I didn't know any more who shame I was feeling over. Yeah, my father, I think trying to whip a little more out of me than the line in the stealing. Like his wife's secrets and his daughter's shape-shifting and his lack of control over any of us. I didn't cry. Didn't you film that payoff? Grounded. Go to your room. No grimacing. No whimpering. I cried hard into my pillow under my covers. Watching repeats all in the family. Good time. Happy days. My father would be in his basement office, avoiding my brother. My sister would be having fun sex with her married boyfriend. Shit. I was dying. So the first year we moved into the unincorporated area called Theraviv State. Theraviv is a fire. The Santa Ana Winsville some idiots can't fire into these massive parched oaks of eucalyptus and fire tore through regional parks and housing tracks and flew up into the hills where we lived. Me so sleepy he had to carry me through this dark house. My mother, anything she could carry, birth certificates, ashtrays, World Book and Psychopedias, anything she could find and throw it into this cardboard. So we go out to our car. Our street was this surreal movie. Neighbors driving by and packed cars and everybody in PJs like us. Horses running in and out of the dark. So beautiful and afraid. Horses crazy, me wanting to catch and ride every one of them. Through the dark, bareback. All that freedom and fear. What happened to them? What were they at the office then? They know where home is. Down the street, the boats and pigs are running across people's front porches and the whole thing was made magical by these flakes of white ash falling from the paper. I'm telling you this for a reason. After the fire scare, we had regular drills at our house. Being at the top floor of a shape root of home, my father thought he should install and I'll turn in the scape root. So he put rope ladders into the gable window seat as I was pulling this rope. We had sloppy joes for dinner. They go dork. Why, are you gonna rag on me? I'm sorry. Did I get grounded or did I got whipped just doing something for you? You can't climb down that rope. You don't know how. Well maybe if you yell loud, your dad will come up and show me. I'm not kidding, I'll tell. So long. He hasn't called me. I don't know what's going on. He's married. It's his wife. It's awful. She doesn't understand it. He's gonna ask for a divorce. He just has to wait for the right time to do it. You don't know everything. I know he's a jerk and you're an idiot. That much I know. It's so messed up. I just... I wish you understood how he made me feel and how nice he is to me. I can tell him anything and he doesn't criticize or judge me or make fun of me. He makes me feel smart unlike some people. Well that's just stupid. Because you don't understand and you might never understand. And I feel sorry for you. I wish you knew what this is. I wish... I know what it was like. I just wish he'd called. I'm sure he'll call. He's probably just busy. Do you think? I'm really certain the favorit was right. They find a broken cord on the driveway but there weren't a whole lot of options. Okay. Make yourself useful, Curian. Hold it to the window. Higher! I'm not a wizard. I'm not a pro through. And soon enough, the end that's bolted to the window seat is good and tight. Okay. Wish me luck. I crawl out the window onto the roof to terrify every body part. I inch my torso. Fraction by fraction. You're at the day to lay on a Mr. Universe or something. So the garage is filled with these rude Goldberg-like contraptions that Dean works out on every day. Kind of like a shiny torture chamber. I say I was just like a flabby 50-year-old guy but Dean had plans to be a famous... Well, you're not rich or good looking but you can buy a fire extinguisher. Get the fuck out of here. You're staying in the place with your girl smell. You know, Dean never does make it as a stuntman. Famous and recognized. He wasn't an actor in a movie once. Can't remember the name. Anyway, he was always working on his done as a biceps or as much work as a belly. The middle brother, on the other hand, he was more interested in the vehicles littered in their front lawn and his head was usually stuck under a lawnmower. I walked by and he would say hi and I would think it was the car I was talking about because it was just surprising. Anyway, Zabby's she's sitting cross-legged on the counter throwing bologna at whichever dog was fastest. I was really surprised. I'm not for sure. Her and Skinny Linnie we did. They're not suspicious. They said the jack tasted watery so they locked up the bar. We need reinforcements. Well, Zabby's parents have failed to realize that most of their hard liquor was nothing but water or Coca-Cola or Kool-Aid or Rub-Aid. He always had this secret glee about it. Like if you just put a potato and somebody's tailpipe and he's waiting for it to blow. Do you know what I mean? Gleeful friend, Tina White. The relationship that you're probably someone that sticks ships and I wish Tina White could go peacefully in her sleep. Zabby says, uh, yeah. And he's not using it right now. Says Donna. Wait, Dean's car? It's keys for decision-making. They're not fully disoriented when you're in your mid-20s. It's not fully connected, especially when it comes to the regions of risk assessment and impulse control. So this explains why I said what I said. Let's drive. So I crawl into this passenger seat because remember, the driver's door's busted. It's here across the bench. Donna. And just like that, I am sitting next to him and my hand's on the wheel. Neared him that I've ever been. He said, you know, maybe my teenage dreams. God, why do I feel naked? I keep looking down to make sure my clothes are show on. What's, uh, what do you want to do? He's giving me water and holding my sweat. He releases a lever. This doesn't seem like a good idea to me. Like, what if they catch us on our property? They're not going to catch us. Let's go. We have to get the car home before Dean kills us. Let's go. Wait, let's go, Lindy. But, no. Skinny Lindy has pulled up a handful of grass and is running across this dark dirt patch or straight at this group of dark horses and is messing around. You've got to go. And then, Lindy screams. She screams so loud, it sounds like a slasher movie that she has to be faking it. They shut up. And all of a sudden, we're next to our towering friend. We have all fallen. We've all tripped over. Oh, no, no. I'm stiff. A few days gone. A fever attack, an accident. That happens, but this is different. The horses' front legs have been bound at the fetbox with wire. And you don't do that unless you don't want them to move and you never use water. This was no accident. Oh, my God. That's sick. Who would kill a horse? Oh, poor horsey. Stop. Look. And we start to go and tapping these horses. 20 pair of sullen brown eyes. Those beautiful breathing beasts. They're homely staring us down. All of them can't get out of here. No way of having not leaving them. What are you even talking about? I don't know, but I want to catch every one of them and get them out of here. What? How do you even do that? I don't know if they don't trust us. They're smart horses. I mean, they don't know that we're not going to bind them and leave them to die. How do they know? The group of them turn away slowly and hard. We sing at the entire two hours. It takes us to go back over the hills, cut through backyards, down our street, back to Savvy's house. When I get home, which is good, I crawl through the broken hallway just before dawn. I drink sparklets from a Dixie head. Upstairs, I throw my filthy self onto my bed. My heart hurts. And crap, we didn't even replace the liquor. And I cannot stop thinking about that most. Bloated and stiff. It's wired, tied to your legs and how it was suffered before it died. Separated from the others, helpless and mad. And all I was trying to do was wring away. I have a new mission in life. Save the more instant horses. And then all of a sudden, my door flies open and my mother comes in. We're in God's name. Privacy, you couldn't be dead. Your father went out with the neighbor and carrying in some crazy torment. And not because I'm out of the favorite, but because nothing good can come from something that lame. I'm scared. Another part of you have to fit, fits my mother when she experiences big emotions like laughing or thinking stress all in a week treat. One minute she's standing there and then next everything just sort of my mother tips into my arms and says it's there. Well I did steal her money so I figured I'd give it down. Oh, you found it? Do you know that client? The window or you're grounded? Well I am grounded. Good morning. Is Jack coming back? Mother. I was in the favorite's bed the next morning. My mother was still asleep in my bed and my father was nowhere. Wait so you found the letter in mom's body. What are you little ladies up to tonight? He's in my face with a pulse as he is handsome. What do you got there? Squirt. I look at the top of her burden. Nothing? Yeah, nothing. Then your ugly business gets out of my room. Better be careful. Squirt. Better not get in trouble if daddy might ground you again. How's my DM afraid of you? Oh that's bogus. You're not doing anything with her. Well then I guess you weren't going in you. I could not explain to them that that dead horse followed me around every night. Something falling on me. Suffocating. Dying slowly. Morningstar was everything unfair and ugly that those unlucky new horses were worse than me. Shut up. Dean instantly grabs Zabby by her hair. His fist in a great big wand of it. Are you saying something? Huh? Are you talking? Or pinning her down. Dean knocking. Okay be red faces. It's okay. Scaling gives me a pillow full of drops of paint sheets at my feet. They're clean kind of. I did. Sweet little bitch. My fingers are stuck together. I'm swallowing my spit. His mouth is huge over mine. His lips are hard. His tongue is surprisingly pointy. It's filling my mouth. I can't breathe. Why do people like this? I stop thinking I'm hovering watching myself pretending to know what to do. Forklift tongue. It feels so stupid and it's going to happen tonight. But Dono is nowhere. I don't think is it? Yep. He's stupid. He's cool. Everything at me not tonight. Your two tires drive us five miles. Why? Because you're a dick. Maybe. Maybe I have a dick. You are a dick. But he's steering. I have a steering wheel. It doesn't take the bait. You definitely are Dono. Hey Savvy it's cool. And she throws her play text gloves at her body. Do you know where you are? Tina's primary. He drives away slowly. Stupid idea saving forces. Thinking Dono was a possibility all the time. Which is something. And we were there. We were morning start with our rubber gloves and our ropes and our plan. Our really really stupid plan. Hey you guys might start like falling on the wire fence. Skinny Lenny somehow managed to get her hair caught. I'm clucking and cooing. Here we've got carrots and carrots. Here we show. Two of them trying to wait. You have to go slow. Oh hey here's your horsey. Here's your hair. Savvy somehow managed to get her rope around the neck of a mangy bay mare. Lenny is and the warm breath is on my neck and my ears feel great. It wasn't horse. I wasn't scared. Green super friendly. It lights me. I don't I'm leading him up the hill away from morning start. Oh my God we're doing this. We're saving these horses. We're doing something wrong. We're making something right. Oh crap here they come. But Adam is more awake than I've seen her a little today and she's watching Carrie Ann sleep. They had to give her something to get rid of the pills to make her throw up. She's going to be alright. I don't know why but why would she take so many pills? Carrie Ann talk to you. Do you two talk? I sit next to my mother on the couch. My head on my shoulder and they watch. Carrie Ann sleep. Did Carrie Ann tell you about George? You have bad news today. Cancer has moving. He has maybe two knots today. He said he said they just couldn't do that to me. And then I look up and I look at my mother and I see that desperation and I say would you want? I'm dead in the road and I'd be sitting here. I'm not dead and I stole a horse. And the mornings are people calling and call the police and I think they're messing with charges. Because it's illegal to stick in. Why steal a horse tonight? In six months when my mother is out shopping she'll run into George. He'll be with another woman. He won't have a lot to say. And I offer to get the belt but he just shakes his head now. Those people never did press charges. They said it had been inadvertently hobbled. They did close down within that even. I like to think we have something to do with that. That's how we knew we had been through something real. We weren't freedom fighters. We were in the midst of air. Like starved spirits. That summer we agreed to no matter what meet back at the tasty frees every ten years. Well it's not a tasty frieze anymore. I keep coming back. I keep thinking that old Zabby got married and not religion. Searching stealing freedom.